6 Signs You're a Player (Plus 3 Signs You're Not)

What is a player? And more importantly, are YOU a player? Will being labeled a player have a bad impact on your dating life, or can the label actually help you?

What is a player?

Many years ago, when I was still a sniveling newbie in the dating scene, I was friends with an amazingly talented seductionist. I’ll call him Chris.

I went to a party with Chris, and a girl I recognized from work looked at me sideways and asked how I knew him. I didn’t tell her we were part of a secret society of pickup artists that met in a rented room we called a “lair” every Sunday and were out that night to practice our approach techniques.

“He’s a friend of a friend,” I replied.

“Well…” she shriveled her nose, “he’s a notorious player.”

I went back to Chris and told him he had the reputation of being a player. “Really? That’s good,” he replied, obviously pleased with the label.

Why would a seducer be pleased about being called a player?

 

Pre-Selection

Following the rule of pre-selection, women are attracted to men other women find attractive. That’s why when you’re out with your girlfriend, other women will shoot you seductive glances, but when you’re alone, it’s as though you’re invisible.

When I was in my early thirties, I was invited into a social circle of college girls. I was already a full-time dating coach, and everyone knew it. Do you think this hurt my chances with the girls? My being the older guy who taught men how to pick up women?

Not one bit.

All the young guys in that group were very interested in improving their game but also happened to have a big social circle full of attractive girls. These guys were thrilled to have a veteran dick wizard there to bounce ideas off, and wingman with. Because they found me cool, the girls did, too. I had social proof.

I had the reputation of being a player. I know because the girls I slept with from that circle told me they had been warned about me. I had the reputation of a player. And the result? It made them curious. Why is he a player? Why do the girls like him? Does he like me? Will he try to seduce me as well?

'How' people hear about a guy's player status makes a huge difference. Calling yourself a player might make you seem creepy (unless you can pull it off), whereas having a mysterious reputation as one can intrigue women.

Because I was aware of this reputation, I used it to my advantage. Instead of chasing the girls and hitting on them, I did the opposite. I’d tease them, dismiss them, and ignore them until they started chasing me. I utilized a combination of push-pull and my player’s reputation to hook up with most of the cutest girls from the group.

 

What Is a Player? The Negative Connotation

Depending on what culture you are a part of, it’s a label to be celebrated, or despised.

Is a player someone who manipulates women to extract easy, no-strings-attached sex? Who avoids the responsibility of long-term, monogamous relationships while enjoying the lifestyle of a prolific seducer of beautiful women?

Put that way, it sounds a bit monstrous, doesn’t it? Then why do rappers hype the term like it’s a prize title? Perhaps because it assumes you’re active rather than passive in the game. You’re hustling and scoring chicks, which is a measure of personal power and success, depending on what culture you're in.

 

What Up, Playa?

I’ll assume that we see being a player as a positive. It’s more a term of endearment than an insult.

For someone asking what a player is, you’ll generally get two reactions: one of disdain and straight-up disgust, or that of an approving nod (likely from someone who considers themselves a player).

Someone who Googles “What is a player?” is probably looking to defend themselves from men who pretend to want relationships but just want sex. We’re not worried about those folks — because we’re players. Or maybe you like rap music and think being a player is simply someone who plays the game of life. Or you bang lots of hoes and wear a lot of bling?

What is a player? I’d say it’s someone who plays the game with a high level of skill. In this case, the game of extracting a lot of sex from eager and willing women, preferably without lying to them about their intentions.

In that sense, is “the game” something that can be won?

Anyone who considers themselves a player will be very pro-player lifestyle, and anyone who isn’t will likely not understand the concept or people who call themselves players. In fact, non-players may go so far as to think of players as a betrayal to their culture.

 

The Player Mindset

The player needs to turn off all negative self-talk. They’re not concerned with being labeled a womanizer because they know it just adds to their mystique. They have a certain narcissistic streak, a love of the pursuit and conquering of beautiful women — they are willing to put in more effort than the average man.

It could be said that, in any game, true players are the one's who put in more effort to get what they want — the ones who create their own fate rather than settle for what falls in their lap.

They’re willing to pay the price of time and effort for the reward of being with more (and more beautiful) women than the average man. They don’t care what anybody thinks about it, either.

But maybe you want to be a player?

The reality is most real players would never call themselves one. Like my friend who’s the master of picking up women off Tinder, banging them once, and then moving on to the next, and the next, and the next. He never tells anyone he’s a player. But he is. He’s never read a pickup artist book in his life, but he’s still a player. It’s just an arbitrary label.

Do I reserve judgment for someone who considers themselves a player or wants to live the player lifestyle? No, of course not. Because for much of my own life, I’ve been one. These days, having "played" for many years, I try to make sure any women I sleep with have a good shot at becoming my girlfriend. It doesn’t always work out that way. And if I just want no-strings sex, I make sure the girl knows that’s the case.

So I’ll never snub my nose at anyone who wants to wear the little ego suit of the player. Why not? It’s better than sitting in your basement jerking off and eating Cheetos.

 

The Morality of Being a Player

You don’t need to be the dark triad type, destroying women’s self-esteem, banging them, and then never texting back. But then again, you can do that, too. I’ve had many women do that to me. Just recently, I met a sexy 23-year-old British girl in Thailand.

I approached her while she was shopping for souvenirs. We got on well, went for a drink, then she told me it was her birthday and invited me back to her bungalow. I nailed her good that night; and the next day, I texted her, and she never replied. Why not? Well, because it was her last day in Thailand. She just wanted to get laid, not snag a boyfriend. She played me, sort of.

I’ve also slept with many married women who only wanted sex. When we started getting too emotionally close, they’d cut me off completely. No more texting, no more social media. Everything cut off as if we’d never known each other. I call these women “playettes.”

This happened so many times that it dawned on me: some women just want to get laid without attachments.

Casual sex is a normal human pastime for both men and women. The moral component isn't about sex, but rather the 'expectations' surrounding sex.

So I have no shame in saying I’ve been a player. I’ve used women for sex and I don’t feel guilty about it. You can be a player without lying. But to imagine you can do so without hurting anyone’s feelings? Not gonna happen. Feelings will be hurt, although you can mitigate the damage by being honest and setting the right expectations.

 

So What Is a Player, and How Do You Know If You Are One?

Here are three signs you’re not a player:

1. You only date one woman at a time.

2. You sleep with less than three women a year.

3. You don’t put any effort into meeting new women. It just sort of “happens.”

This is how the vast majority of men’s dating lives operate. They have no strategy for meeting women. They rely on introductions from their social, school, or work circles. Sometimes they get lucky on a dating app, a night out at a bar, or a house party. But there’s minimal effort put into it.

If most of these guys do manage to find a girl to sleep with, they’ll want to keep her around. If she’s reasonably attractive, he’ll instantly grant monogamy and enter into a long-term relationship, at her discretion. He essentially settles, gives up his power of choice, and falls into a relationship. Either that, or the girl who bangs him just uses him for sex or resources, and plays him.

There are exceptions, of course, but if this sounds like you, you’re most definitely not a player.

Six signs you are a player:

1. You are not monogamous.

2. You sleep with many women over the course of a year.

3. You’re active in creating and pursuing new leads.

4. You use strategy to meet new women rather than relying on chance.

5. You aren’t attached to the outcome. There are plenty of women to choose from.

6. You consider yourself a player, which makes you one, at least in your mind’s eye.

 

Final Thought

You don’t need to label yourself this or that to be successful with women. Most men just want a cute girlfriend, not dozens of sexual conquests. But if you do want (or just happen to get) more than the average guy gets, what matters is what you believe and feel about yourself.

Many people think of a player as a guy who tricks women into his bed by making promises he has no intention to keep. But one can be a lover of women – many women – and be an ethical man. Players aren't confined to one positive or negative definition. It's more about how they play the game and whether they regret it in the end.

Are you satisfied with your sex life? Are you content with the girl you have now? Do you regret not having more sexual experiences with beautiful women? When you’re 90 years old and sharting in your freshly starched bedsheets, will you look back fondly at your memories of being a player? I know I will.

Until next time,

Tony

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Read Next: Is Being a Player a Betrayal to Your Culture?