Female Attachment Profiles: Secure, Avoidant, and More | Girls Chase

Female Attachment Profiles: Secure, Avoidant, and More

Chase Amante

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female attachment styles
A woman's attachment style determines whether she is clingy, or distant, or prone to upset at the most trivial thing. Know her style, and you know what to expect.

Early in life, the way someone's parents raise her shapes the way her brain deals with her relationships with other people.

If her parents are loving and supportive, and around enough, and not abusive or neglectful, she'll form a secure attachment style.

Secure attachment is the healthiest form of attachment: it's the ability to form real bonds with other people, free from either neediness or (on the other hand) an urge to 'get away'.

However, not all parents are loving and supportive, or present enough; some are neglectful, or even abusive. Some parents have attachment disorders themselves and simply aren't good at parenting. And when a child grows up with parents like this, she learns different lessons about close relationships, and her brain wires itself to respond differently to closeness.

Depending on her upbringing, she may learn to cling to others for dear life. She may flee closeness, and try to keep space in her relationships. She may have chaotic emotions toward closeness and vacillate between wanting it and pushing it away.

Once you know attachment styles, you can better grasp the women you bring into your life... and better grasp yourself.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his One Date System.

GET CHASE’S ONE DATE SYSTEM

Comments

Ben's picture

Hey chase so I thought this was interesting you brought this up because I think that i'm an avoidant attachment person. I don't really seek out connections with other people. I have dropped a lot of my old friends because they're low value or treated me like shit when they were younger. Now I don't even seek out friendships with other men. Like unless they're a cool guy who I know can pickup girls I act cold towards them because i've met so many people in my life that making friends is not that valueable to me. The only thing I care about is having women in my life. I don't reach out or text people from my social circle much and only meet up with a few close friends if they invite me. My parents are south asian so I was raised in a culture where the child must abide by everything the parents do and nothing else matters. Not the child's happiness,self esteem, whether he or she grows up with positive life experiences. My parents literally even said that life is not about fun. I also was picked on,bullied and insulted a lot throughout my adolescent life, and wasn't very attractive growing up which is why I always assume that negative outcomes will happen for me with girls even though i'm in a much better place than in high school. Have you known guys who walked a similiar path where he had so many negative life experiences as a youngster,but then overcame it and was able to build himself a successful career in the field he wants, strong circle of friends, and have beautiful lovers to support him? I know anything is possible if you out in the work, but it's hard for me to believe in myself.I'm not sure if this is victim mentality because I don't blame anybody for my current struggles. I'm just bitter towards my parents and their contribution towards how neurotic I am and also the kids I went to school with who treated me like shit. 

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Ben-

Yes, that's a childhood that'll predispose you to avoidance for sure.

I've known guys who've changed their attachment styles, yes. The big obstacle is not really "can someone do it" but "is this person driven to do it?"

If he actually is driven to do it, a guy can completely rewire his own brain. I personally was probably fairly heavy on the avoidant spectrum when younger. I loved my independence, had zero need for friends, only wanted women in my life, and would get pretty uncomfortable when women (even beautiful women I'd previously chased hard for) grew too attached. However, I consciously forced myself into heavy socializing (where I'd be out with different groups of friends/people probably 3 or 4 days a week... in addition to going on dates or going out solo to meet girls several more days per week, and in addition to having at least one regular girlfriend at a time, too) for several years. I forced myself to stick around in all sorts of friend and girl situations where people would be expressing their emotions to me, just to make myself comfortable with it. I didn't take an attachment styles test when younger, but if I did I probably would've been much higher on avoidance (and probably disorganized and maybe some anxious as well). Now my avoidance is a small sliver, and I am mostly secure.

The only reason I was able to do all this stuff though was because I had a philosophy that "this emotional/connected stuff makes me uncomfortable, and discomfort is a weakness, so whatever I am uncomfortable with, I need to spend enough time around to get comfortable with it; otherwise I am weak." Many other guys I see do not seem to have any real motivation to change their attachment styles... so they don't.

There is a difference between "I would like to change X" and "I am driven by Y and Z to change X." "I would like to" is not enough. You must find a driver you can use to motivate yourself to put in the hard work exposing yourself, again and again over a period of time, to situations that are uncomfortable to allow your brain to adapt to the emotional stimuli you have learned to avoid.

Chase

340Breeze's picture

One thing you didn’t talk about is how the male/female attachment styles interact. Like what happens when an avoidant male pairs off with an anxious female. Or an anxious male with an avoidant female.  Or other combinations thereof.  Some anxiously-attached women seem to only be attracted to 'avoidant' style men, and find secure men to be boring.  Are some of the material on this website that teaches men not to chase, to seem cool even aloof, etc., written to deal with the anxious-style female?  How would seduction techniques differ depending on the attachment-style of a woman?  I don't think a securely-attached woman would find a securely-attached man to be 'boring.'

 

Also how does a man move from avoidant/anxious/disorganized to secure? A man’s attachment style is going to affect how he seduces and how he responds "when women test.” And women always test. An avoidant seducer is completely different than a secure seducer (on an emotional and relational level). Maybe what makes women so hard to understand for some men has to do with attachment styles.

 

Finally, relationships are supposed to be a safe space.  I think alot of people in the West seem to have forgotten (or never learned) that.  Unfortunately, if, as a child/teen, you’ve been abused, molested, denigrated, or otherwise suffered emotional or even physical trauma , and you haven’t healed yet (whether from therapy or meditation or being in a relationship with securely-attached individuals) you won’t even consciously know (much less unconsciously) that your behavior in a relationship should be to seek to create safety and reassurance.  Emotional Trauma causes PTSD, and a lack of healing from emotional trauma will affect you in your relationships and how you seduce. Without healing, you probably will create chaos in your relationship and not even realize, or don't know how to sidestep it.  You can read all the material you want on girlschase, but you will still languish as a seducer (and a creator of safe spaces with your women) until and unless you do the grief work to heal from your pain, and release the negativity percolating deep in your unconscious. Some men seem to gravitate towards personality disordered women, but many of those Men are themselves silent sufferers of abuse molestation or worse. But when you heal, and come to understand on an intuitive level the need for safety in your relationships, cluster b or bitchy or selfish lack of empathy women etc, become completely UNAPPEALING because your unconscious doesn’t view them as “safe.” When you heal, you develop an unconscious protective shield against bs that some of these women spew.  Women that lack empathy, or are perpetual victims, or otherwise can't empathize/see the male point of view don't create safety in relationships.  That's why it's best to avoid them... no one forces any man to be with a woman.  He chooses to do so, or not.  So choose wisely.  Choose and cultivate safety.  Heal. When you heal, you vibrate on a different level...on a zen level.  Women that don't vibrate on your zen frequency (and instead are drama queens because of their own unhealed pain etc) are 'problem' women in my view.  We can't change anyone..they have to want to change.  So unless and until a woman does her own grief work to heal (even if she's a 9 or 10 and the pussy is goood), she still needs to be released back into the wild if she fucks with your zen.  Value your sanity and safety above all else.

 

Id argue that to become the best seducer, it starts within. Healing from pain/suffering/trauma. Finding the love within yourself. Long in advance of any conversation with any woman.

Cheers,

340Breeze.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

340Breeze-

Good questions.

Yes, people with anxious attachment styles need to pursue. They value more highly those people who make them chase. The kind of chasing I urge men to get women to do on this site is not necessarily 'anxious woman'-tier chasing... though you can get that kind of chasing if you use the material and you run into an anxious gal. However, even secure and avoidant attachers will chase you a bit if they're into you and you create a bit of that vaccuum to suck them into.

Even with secure attachers, people are most attracted to what is a bit of a challenge. The level of challenge someone wants differs by attachment style. If we had a rating of 1 to 10 levels of aloofness, where 1 is 'completely available' and 10 is 'completely unavailable', a secure woman might be most attracted to a man who is, say, at level 4 aloofness, while an anxious woman might go craziest for a man who's at 7 or 8. You do need to modify your level of aloofness (if you want to date different types of women with different attachment styles), but all women do need at least some of it. An excess of absolutely too much over-availability can make everyone lose interest.

One thing I will say is it's fascinating to watch a highly anxious individual and the sort of relationships he will have. He'll chase hard after another partner, think he's desperately in love with her, and then if he ever gets her and she gives himself over to him completely, he loses all interest. Then at some point, once she realizes she's lost him, she may go ice cold to him, leave, and then all of a sudden he realizes he's obsessed with her again.

Also how does a man move from avoidant/anxious/disorganized to secure? A man’s attachment style is going to affect how he seduces and how he responds "when women test.” And women always test. An avoidant seducer is completely different than a secure seducer (on an emotional and relational level). Maybe what makes women so hard to understand for some men has to do with attachment styles.

The only ways I know are consistently successful are:

  1. Therapy
  2. Relationships with secure individuals

I shifted my attachment style in my 20s, partly from relationships with secure women, partly from doing active work to change how I felt about other people. More details on that in the comment above yours.

This is an excellent comment:

Finally, relationships are supposed to be a safe space.  I think alot of people in the West seem to have forgotten (or never learned) that.  Unfortunately, if, as a child/teen, you’ve been abused, molested, denigrated, or otherwise suffered emotional or even physical trauma , and you haven’t healed yet (whether from therapy or meditation or being in a relationship with securely-attached individuals) you won’t even consciously know (much less unconsciously) that your behavior in a relationship should be to seek to create safety and reassurance.  Emotional Trauma causes PTSD, and a lack of healing from emotional trauma will affect you in your relationships and how you seduce. Without healing, you probably will create chaos in your relationship and not even realize, or don't know how to sidestep it.  You can read all the material you want on girlschase, but you will still languish as a seducer (and a creator of safe spaces with your women) until and unless you do the grief work to heal from your pain, and release the negativity percolating deep in your unconscious. Some men seem to gravitate towards personality disordered women, but many of those Men are themselves silent sufferers of abuse molestation or worse. But when you heal, and come to understand on an intuitive level the need for safety in your relationships, cluster b or bitchy or selfish lack of empathy women etc, become completely UNAPPEALING because your unconscious doesn’t view them as “safe.” When you heal, you develop an unconscious protective shield against bs that some of these women spew.  Women that lack empathy, or are perpetual victims, or otherwise can't empathize/see the male point of view don't create safety in relationships.  That's why it's best to avoid them... no one forces any man to be with a woman.  He chooses to do so, or not.  So choose wisely.  Choose and cultivate safety.  Heal. When you heal, you vibrate on a different level...on a zen level.  Women that don't vibrate on your zen frequency (and instead are drama queens because of their own unhealed pain etc) are 'problem' women in my view.  We can't change anyone..they have to want to change.  So unless and until a woman does her own grief work to heal (even if she's a 9 or 10 and the pussy is goood), she still needs to be released back into the wild if she fucks with your zen.  Value your sanity and safety above all else.

You have my complete agreement. Nothing to add here.

Id argue that to become the best seducer, it starts within. Healing from pain/suffering/trauma. Finding the love within yourself. Long in advance of any conversation with any woman.

Huge part of what we might call 'true' success.

There are a lot of highly prolific seducers who are very broken guys. The brokenness actually helps their success as seducers... largely because they cannot hang onto relationships at all and are perpetually on the hunt for fresh bedmates.

However, when you're like this you tend to struggle with a great deal of depression, self-doubt, even suicidal feelings, that the parade of women into your bed only temporarily alleviates. There's certainly nothing wrong with going for a high notch count, and unlike some folks on the Internet I actually think it's pretty healthy if you have the right psychology for it. If you're using it to self-medicate though, it's just a bandage rather than a permanent fix.

Often I have seen high count guys who used women to self-medicate completely lose interest in casual sex once they fix their broken internal issues, and end up in lasting relationships they're very happy with not long after. It's always a surprising transition to see. But you can see the guy is much more content, so you're happy for him.

Chase

SZ's picture

Hey Chase,

1. I'm fine with making a lifestyle change to get my lays up to 100s. To be honest, I'm fine with getting 15-20+ women a year then doing more the next. 100 us the goal in the near future, but for now reaching a baseline of consistent notches is the goal for the very short term. 

The thing is, what do you mean exactly by lifestyle change? I'm assuming you mean putting my energy into getting laid all the time and cutting things out, which makes sense.

But I'm not sure if I'm correct on how I'm thinking. Would it really be that time consuming? How do men get up there and still live their lives? 

Basically everyone works a 9-5 and I would assume a guy would have to have money coming in to go on dates, get fashion, pay for necessities, etc. A guy has to get his body right to date and I'm sure he has other hobbies, etc. And can still get a lot of lays.

So I'm kind of lost on what I would have to give up in order to make this lifestyle change or what you recommend?

I am very obsessed with getting laid, not in the needy way, I just love pussy, I love kissing all over women's bodies and making them feel good. I think about fuckin a lot, so in that part I want to make getting laid regularly a reality.

I feel I can still make the lifestyle change with what I'm focusing on now, maybe not to an extreme extent because I have a lot to work on, but I don't see what I would have to really change.

I do have a lot on my plate, but I can find some time to talk to women, it's just during those times I like to relax.

So if a guy works a 9-5, goes to the gym, learns skills, and has hobbies. What does he have to change to make his lifestyle about getting laid?

Could you give an example of what a guy is doing to change his lifestyle to getting laid? All I can think of is going to pickup after work during the week and going out on the weekends.

I'm thinking about self improvement and women so much all of the time, there has to be a way to make these things work.

If you could give an example of the guy who's lifestyle is about getting laid I'd appreciate it.

2. Could you also give an example on how you wouldn't pay for a cheap date? (Coffee, ice cream, pizza, drinks). I can't think of a way to get out of not paying, I'd be paying because I want things to go smooth and I don't want to look cheap. So I don't feel it would be right to do something I don't want to do. I just can't think of any scenario of a girl who wouldn't expect me to pay. How would a date like that work going dutch? 

All I can imagine is that she'll look at me crazy for not paying and bitch about me being cheap. 

I imagine we get on line and I just see the scenario of her looking at me to pay every time and it not ending well. I can't think to make it work, but I do not want to pay of it won't work for me, I just can't visualize a girl not expecting me to pay for her cheap stuff.

Just wondering what do you do in that situation when you're both on line and she expects you to pay? Like what do you tell her for your reason not to pay?

3. What is the age gap of the distinguished Older gentleman anyway? I'm not too much older than these girls (4-5 years). Would it be like 10? 

4. I don't have anyone to see what I'm doing wrong which sucks, and the only time they could see is at the club because that's the only time I'll be with someone getting girls.

The guys I'm with usually get girls the same way I do, just dance with them and get their number. Or even talk and get their number, I observe.

There's nothing really great about their game to me. These girls just cooperate more.

One of them told me to talk to the girls for a week or two before asking for the date. I'm against that and actually tried it and it didn't work.

To me it's really a luck thing.

I can't get dates for shit, but everything else is good. Of course if you can't get dates, you can't get laid. I have gotten laid more than I have been on dates with different women lol.

I can get numbers all day, I get compliance, I try to deep dive a little, etc.

These girls also hook as well. There's times where I talk to girls and it gets quiet, I actually try to leave, but the girl will keep talking to me asking me questions, which makes me stay and to keep talking to her.

I'm in my head a lot about what I'm doing and try to think of what I read from on here, I'm smooth with it, and I'm very aware of what I'm doing. 

Things work great in person, but that date never comes.

I just started using apps and have been getting matched a lot, but these girls are just time wasters.

I actually had conversations with girls from apps and tried to do some deep diving on the phone even to switch the game up.

I tried being on the phone short and I tried being on the phone long. 

Didn't work.

My things is clubs and apps suck for meeting women right? But if you talk to 100s of women from both, wouldn't you get lucky some of the time?

If you have 20 matches or talk to 20 girls in the club, you can't get 5 to go on a date? That makes no sense to me.

So yeah, I don't have anyone to go out with, and I also don't have anyone to go out with that pays attention like that with game. They aren't thinking like that, this isn't a skillset to them, it just happens. 

And I'm not saying these guys got it easy, but they get dates, and they are not black, which I think makes it easier for them because that's what a lot of women care about more.

So, I'm going to try to fix this myself.

With real life dating, all I can tell you is that I can attract women, my conversations are good, I have women giving me compliance, I have women talking to me and wanting to talk to me. I'm asking for dates and getting numbers.

With online, I get a lot of attractive matches and I barely have worked on my profile. A lot of girls give no conversation. It'll be hey, and I ask them something and that's it, I just assume they're time wasters.

The girls who do bite, I get the number fast and I talk to them, they act very excited to see me and I get them on short calls (like recommended on the site). Then their whole attitudes change and they just don't come out and ghost.

So I thought, let's try to deep dive on the phone and then meet up for a second and try to bring her right back over in 10 minutes or less.

Talked to this chick for hours deep diving, she texts me the next day, then she just stops texting me that same exact day. I didn't bother reaching out.

All of this is mind boggling.

What I can also say is that I have gotten my most success from work. I got so many girls from work, some would play games, but a majority it was straight to the bed.

I know a lot of people hook up from work, but I was getting these girls straight to the bed, no dates or anything. 

It would be many girls, they all are giving me their phone numbers,  coming straight over to fuck, loved it. I would have many girls that liked me, one time I had 8-10 chasing me at once. 

These girls made it pretty straight forward. Either I'd ask them out or they asked me out and that was it.

So that's where I shined at.

I say that to see if you can see what the difference is between work and the other avenues that I used for girls.

Maybe you can find something and connect what I could be doing right and maybe I'm missing something and could use that to fix everything.

To sum it all up, I just would like you know what you think the remedy is to fixing this.

I can get girls doing everything in person, I can even get them talking on the phone, but for them to come out its extremely challenging.

So what would be the solution to getting attraction, having good conversations, getting girls to agree to dates, exchanging numbers, but no dates?

Could it be a deep diving thing? Do they think I'm a player? Do they think I don't take them serious? 

I'm wracking my brain on what I can do differently.

I tried having quick convos on the phone to set up the date.

I tried long convos.

I tired no texting, but to only set up that date. If the date was a week a way, I would not contact her until the day before.

I tried having meaningless all day text conversations just to see if that would work.

Still the same thing.

If you can just give me some type of idea on what a guy needs to do to get a girl to want to see him again or the first time if it's online dating, and I'll do it.

If I need to talk more over the phone I'll do it, text more I'll do it, whatever you can give me an idea on how making a girl want to go out on a date I'll focus on that.

Thanks 

Author
Chase Amante's picture

SZ-

It's all in this article:

Top 7 Easiest Ways to Get Laid & Raise Your Notch Count

If you have one of those jobs, you don't need any extra money for dates. If you're a bartender, or a DJ, or a lifeguard, or a tour guide, probably 10% of your lays come from dates. Once you figure out your angle, you likely don't even do dates at all for the first few years, until you get tired of what you're getting from casual sex and decide you want to see what the girls it takes a little more investment to get are like.

I think you just are not familiar at all what a lifestyle with abundant women looks like. Imagine women horny to have sex with you, who are competing to be the one you pick. You don't have to spend any money on these women. You don't even have to spend much extra time. You still do need game; you need some personality; and so on. The job itself is not enough, you must still be attractive. But as soon as you have a competition effect going on, seduction gets 10x easier.

Cheap date: "I'll get the pizza if you'll get the beers." "Ice cream's on me if you'll spring for movie tickets later." "Wanna grab this one and I'll get us next time?" Or just wait until she goes for her wallet: "Cool, you go this?" YMMV, of course... the more highly she values you, the less she'll care about paying. The more she may WANT to pay, just to even out the value differential a bit. However, the less valuable you are to her, the more she may resent you not paying. The value has to be there for her to be cool with paying.

3. What is the age gap of the distinguished Older gentleman anyway? I'm not too much older than these girls (4-5 years). Would it be like 10?

Completely subjective. Some 18 y/o college girls think a guy is "way too old" if he's 23. And then you'll find a 25 y/o chick who's happy dating her 46 y/o beau because he's attractive, fit, confident, energetic, and reasonably successful. Really depends.

There's nothing really great about their game to me. These girls just cooperate more.

...

To me it's really a luck thing.

Just because you can't see it, and they can't describe it, doesn't mean "well it must just be luck." It rarely is.

My things is clubs and apps suck for meeting women right? But if you talk to 100s of women from both, wouldn't you get lucky some of the time?

If you have 20 matches or talk to 20 girls in the club, you can't get 5 to go on a date? That makes no sense to me.

Yes, if you do enough numbers, you should have some girls it randomly connects with.

I got dates from nightclubs even back when I was a beginner. It was low odds, and most girls flaked/ghosted, but every now and then a girl I'd met at a club but hadn't slept with would come out on a date with me. Just by pure random variation, if you're taking 20 numbers from girls at clubs, you should be able to get 1 or 2 dates out of that.

Not high odds, but it shouldn't be zero, either.

The girls who do bite, I get the number fast and I talk to them, they act very excited to see me and I get them on short calls (like recommended on the site). Then their whole attitudes change and they just don't come out and ghost.

So I thought, let's try to deep dive on the phone and then meet up for a second and try to bring her right back over in 10 minutes or less.

Talked to this chick for hours deep diving, she texts me the next day, then she just stops texting me that same exact day. I didn't bother reaching out.

All of this is mind boggling.

So you're losing them at the phone call.

I'd zero in on that and figure out what the problem is there. Even if you think your conversations are good, clearly there is something there causing women to hit the exit at that point.

What I can also say is that I have gotten my most success from work. I got so many girls from work, some would play games, but a majority it was straight to the bed.

I know a lot of people hook up from work, but I was getting these girls straight to the bed, no dates or anything. 

It would be many girls, they all are giving me their phone numbers,  coming straight over to fuck, loved it. I would have many girls that liked me, one time I had 8-10 chasing me at once. 

These girls made it pretty straight forward. Either I'd ask them out or they asked me out and that was it.

So that's where I shined at.

I say that to see if you can see what the difference is between work and the other avenues that I used for girls.

Yeah, so you're more attractive over the mid- to long-game.

Once a girl gets to know you, she's sold.

But you suck on the approach when you're still a stranger.

Usually this is a sign you've developed qualities that let you gradually shine as someone is exposed to you more. But you're not good at selling yourself fast with people who don't know you yet.

I was this way until maybe a few years into seduction. Put a girl around me for a few months and she'd be in-love with me, 100%. Put a girl around me for 10 minutes, first meet, and she has no idea who I am and doesn't care. It's very frustrating because you know if you could somehow get her around you longer, she'd fall for you. But you can't, you've just got those 10 minutes, and your long-term charms don't work.

You have two choices... the one I went for was "I'm just going to have to develop this completely new, totally alien skill set of cold approach, where I figure out how to make an excellent first impression and make women want me within a couple of minutes." A lot of this website is geared toward that. It's learnable, but it's tough to learn if it isn't natural for you.

The other is to redesign your life in a way you are around a lot of attractive women all the time and get those opportunities like your work gave you. See the notch count post above, or pick a job in the restaurant industry or another similar industry where everyone sleeps with everybody.

To sum it all up, I just would like you know what you think the remedy is to fixing this.

Impossible for me to Internet diagnose, man.

To diagnose something over the Internet, you need the guy to at least have some idea what's going wrong, or he needs to have a standard problem. Yours is non-standard. The way you report it, you're doing everything (more or less) you should be doing to succeed. But you're not succeeding. Which means there are one or more big things hobbling you, but you don't know what they are, and there aren't clues in what you're telling me. It's almost certainly some kind of miscalibration, but that's impossible to diagnose via text.

Chase

SZ's picture

1. Also, what did you do to help your friend solve his problem with having a hard time? You said he's getting lays, but not keeping them in relationships.

I have had a girl on me for three years and she focused on me and I didn't commit and she gave me compliance 100%, she was begging for a relationship for three years, that's past the 2 year drop. 

I had to cut her off, so I believe I'm good at keeping women around a long time. I also have girls come back from years ago trying to rekindle things.

I had another girl chase me for around 2-4 years as well giving me pussy whenever, I have had girls hit me up all the time.

So I got relationships down and keeping women attached, I just need to get more lays.

What did you do to help your friend overcome his problem to get more lays? Maybe it'll help me.

2. I also am going through a dry spell now pretty bad since I left my last chick. It's to the point idk what I should do. Should I fuck a whale? Should I pay? I am at the point where I can't control my urges anymore, I need sex and I need more partners, I need to sow my oats and to have multiple women in my pesence.

What do you recommend to get out of a bad dry spell? I don't want to pay, nor fuck a huge chick.

Thanks

Author
Chase Amante's picture

SZ-

Still not solved. We figured out he was dating mostly avoidant women, and that these women don't want long-term relationship with him. It's a bizarre scenario, because in many ways his boyfriend/husband value appears to be off-the-charts, while his lover value is just okay. But for some reason the only women he gets are a.) women who want long-term with him but whom he doesn't want for that, or b.) women he wants long-term with but who only want him short-term. Just a very unusual issue... at this point I half-think the only way I could solve it would be to spend a couple weeks with him in-person just observing how he is when meeting women, on dates, back at his place with girls, etc.

What did you do to help your friend overcome his problem to get more lays? Maybe it'll help me.

He took me up on the 'invite at least one woman home with you every day for 30 days' challenge. That didn't get him laid I don't recall, because he hit resistance with every girl he pulled, but it opened his eyes to how surprisingly easy it is to get many women home with you, even if you've just met, if you simply invite them.

He found the SAC model from One Date very useful, and I worked with him a bunch on that. In particular we focused on making him less intimidating, which he didn't realize was a problem, and didn't listen to me at first when I said it was (he's a very nice guy in person, yet also quite intimidating), until he heard it from another friend and a handful of women. Working on making him less intimidating / more approachable seemed to help a lot.

Also helping him realize when women turned him down for sex, the way they were doing it, often they liked him and just needed to feel more comfortable with him first (so he should not write them off as quick as he had been).

Beyond that, he's a self-improvement-oriented guy, studies a lot of stuff, and has a bunch of friends who are good with girls. So I don't know how much credit for any improvements he's seen should go to me, and wouldn't want to make any claims there.

2. I also am going through a dry spell now pretty bad since I left my last chick. It's to the point idk what I should do. Should I fuck a whale? Should I pay? I am at the point where I can't control my urges anymore, I need sex and I need more partners, I need to sow my oats and to have multiple women in my pesence.

Just go out, spam approaches, take as many phone numbers as you can, invite as many women home as you can, set up dates every slot of free time you have available. Hustle your ass off. I don't think I'd pay, but maybe it's an option? Same thing with whales... I don't like that idea, but I have a couple 200+ count friends who swear by them ("good for momentum"). So, it's an option.

Make sure you've read this article by Alek:

Sexual Dry Spells, Negative Momentum, and the Big Picture

Chase

Sam2-'s picture

Amazing article Chase,

 

I have recently met and bedded a very beautiful 19-year old girl who has strong characteristics of either an anxious or disorganised personality (more likely disorganised). While I had multiple times sex with her making her in fact cum for the first time, I wouldn’t mind spending some quality time with her.

What type of man a guy should be in order to keep her around? The reliable boyfriend material or the lover who calls her shit out? I have been with her mostly the latter. Does being reliable and showing you care work with her or it will work in the opposite direction: she will get your reassurance and she will leave?

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Chase Amante's picture

Sam-

Well, I can tell you this... my longest anxious/disorganized girlfriend had two very reliable boyfriends before me. She dumped both of them after fairly short relationships (a couple months in one case; one month in the other case). And would vascillate between saying she wished I would be more like them, versus saying they were not guys she would've dated long-term. I was her first actual long-term relationship.

I kicked the relatioship off with her as basically an unreliable lover who was a good guy but just... not someone you would treat as a dependable prospective boyfriend. Although I still showed plenty of boyfriend qualities, offset by my being not so dependable. It drove her nuts, and she kept trying to leave, then immediatley coming back. My attitude the entire time was *shrug*... I liked her a lot, thought she was great, but wasn't going to get sucked into the drama. If she wanted to stay, cool. I'd give her a good relationship to the best of my ability, but I'm still a bit of a cad, so there is that. If she wanted to go, I understood. I wouldn't fight her on that. She was free to leave if that was what she needed to do. She had my blessing and I was sure she'd find someone she'd be thrilled with.

That ended up being a winning formula with her... nice to her if she wants to be nice, 'whatever' with her if she wants to be schizo. Give her warmth when she's warm, withdraw it when she's cool. Worked very well with that type of personality.

For the record, that is not my normal behavior with a girlfriend at all. With a more securely attached gal, I'm warm with her when she's warm, and warm with her when she's cool. Because usually if she's annoyed at me, I can just warm her back up into not being annoyed anymore. With an anxious/disorganized girlfriend, trying to be warm when she's displeased only repels her from you. So I'd just cool off toward her until her storm had passed, and she'd go back to being warm/happy again as if nothing'd happened.

Chase

Sam-G's picture

Chase,

Thank you for your reply. Also, thank you for the high value content of OneDate. I really enjoyed it.

I am shocked about how similiar my case is to yours, so I will just add a few comments and one last question.
She already left once and came back because of jealousy.
Now, she left for summer vacations to her country and she will come back sometime in September.
Before she was about to leave I made a sexual remark in front of her girl friend and she got angry and threw me under the bus, saying for the second time "goodbye". I then made her again jealous via Instagram. She got again mad and unfollowed me. She texted me that "while I don't consider you mine at all, I don't like seeing you with other girls". She then said again "goodbye" and also that "I will be here for you if you need me". I replied with the same fatherly understanding and attitude and I left it there.

For this girl I have been the second man in her life and the first one to make her cum for the first time in her life.
I know that I can't really have something long-term with her without huge dramatic ups and downs.
I also know that she lives only for the heat of the moment. So, her "now" currently says "I am in my country and away from him".

Do you, Chase, think possible (based on your experience and the details I provided) for her to return for more when she comes back in September, given the fact that the sex experience I gave her was according to her "the best of her life? I just feel that the whole thing was prematurely cut off and I would like some more rounds with her. Also, there was some more sexual experimentation that she wanted to do with me before I have led her to autorejection from my sexual comment. She wanted me to fuck her in unusual places, she wanted me to fuck her raw etc I mean even for the sex itself if I was her, I wouldn't just close the door completely.

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