The Paradox of the Flirty Girl | Girls Chase

The Paradox of the Flirty Girl

Chase Amante

Hey! Chase Amante here.

You've read all the free articles I can offer you for this month.

If you'd like to read more, I've got to ask for your help keeping the lights on at Girls Chase.

Click a plan below to sign up now and get right back to reading. It's only 99¢ the first month.

Already a subscriber? Log in here.


Every time you see her, she twirls her hair, smiles at you, and asks you how your day is going. She’s just an absolutely delightful girl, and you know she likes you. You’ve just got to wait for the right moment to make your move.

You’ve known her for ages, and it always feels like you’re building more and more steadily towards something happening. The connection between the two of you is undeniable; you can feel it. It’s visceral and real.

What I’ve noticed more and more as I’ve coached men on dating is that so many of the women that men get caught up on and start chasing after are, in fact, not actually women they really do have some special connection with... but rather, in fact, are simply flirty girls.

flirty girl

They’re women who enjoy flirting with men, teasing men, leading men on, and all because it makes them feel good.

No man will ever admit he’s in love with a flirty girl. His ego always gets in the way; of course a woman isn’t just flirting with me; maybe with some other guy, he thinks, but me? She means it with me.

But the flirty girl is not hard to figure out, nor is she difficult to call on her game-playing. It does, however, take an honest view of the “connection” you have with her... and the stones to tell her to put up or shut up.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his One Date System.



AuContraire's picture


You keep creating wow-moments for me.

You and your fellow writers here at Girlschase have the rare gift of being able to add new perspectives (in contrast to other blogs that keep rehashing old pickup-material every day). Your blog is a real gem and worth reading every time new content shows up.

I sincerely thank you and the other guys.

I think there is a specific type of flirty girl which I occasionally run into - the one that approaches you on the dancefloor (with her back to you, never facing you directly), following you even if you retreat slightly although she has plenty of space in front of her. In my experience a bold escalation move as you describe it is the only way to success or the occasional indignated facial expression.


Chase Amante's picture


Yes, there's an abundance of those women on dance floors. And I agree - be very bold, or make them chase... that's "put up or shut up" for the dance floor.


Jesus's picture

hello Chase,

Wonderful post, very insightful, i'm exactly in this situation with someone, only that i mostly ignored her flirtation at the beggining because i wasn't that into on her, only now i'm starting to notice her and getting quite attracted to her. i want to do what you said, calling her out on her flirts, to see if i have a shot with her, but i wanted to know if i could escalate compliance by asking her out to go to a concert with me, is it ossible to do it that way

James123's picture

I really appreciate this post
.....was experiencing this just sabed a brother

Iain's picture

Chase is totally right here. Took 14 months to turn a flirt right around to me. I fell for her straight away, only to find she did it with most guys. So I chased for 5 months solid, got fed up and then ignored her totally, in fact learned to hate her. 3 months later she was calling me for a date. Ive been with her since. Shes prob out flirting tonight, but Im nit bothered. Chase is right. She will come back to me every time. The day she doesnt is her loss and my gain, but it wont happen

JJ Newman's picture

My story is almost exactly like Iain's, it's scary.

Gazing into each other's eyes, I fell for a girl straight away, thinking she felt the same. So I was (unfortunately) chasing for maybe 5-6 months, trying to make sense of her mixed signals. I would also notice she would flirt with others too, but I didn't really care; she's a flirty girl, but I thought what we had was special. At the end of the 5-6 months, I was tired of going no where, so I decided to ask her out one last time: if she blows me off, that's it. She says she doesn't see me that way and didn't know if she was leading me on or not. I say no biggie, it's cool; move on, free my mind for other women.

Afterwards she would try talking to me more but I would deflect cordially and minimize conversation. That would start to visibly bug her. By coincidence she would see me talking and interacting magnanimously with other people, which I know now is called pre-selection (done by accident). Whilst I would be minimizing conversation with her, I would still be magnanimous with others, and she would see this. It didn't take long before she starts getting all googly-eyed, breathless, and smiley around me, being extra sensual and flirtatious with me, ogling at times.

I was confused as shit since she rejected me and she would still flirt with other people. "She probably thinks we're cool now and just wants to restart her casual flirting relationship with me." And since I was still attracted to her, I did test the waters a few times, flirting with her, but she would be aloof: okay she's not attracted. But it turns out she was according to acquaintances, meaning her aloofness was probably due to being nervous. I ended up not doing anything because I decided she was not worth my time. She was pining after me for a little over a year and only recently seems to have gotten over me.

What Chase talked about is legit.

Anonymous's picture

So, in my three-plus decades on this planet, women seldom if ever flirt with me. Does that mean they really like me? Haha..

On a more serious note, I seldom see flirting at my local gym or really anywhere in town. I seldom see men hitting on women. With a male-to-female ratio of 10-to-1 (10 single guys for every one single woman), this should be very prevalent. Yet, I only see awkward attempts by men crowding and swooning over a girl in social circles. I think the Internet has transformed a lot of people, including me, into somewhat socially-awkward people.

Chase Amante's picture


I haven't been anywhere that had a male-to-female ratio that extreme (assuming you were talking about the town, rather than the gym?), but I would presume that women have to naturally tone it down there to keep the attention at reasonable levels. Flirting is a tool for getting more male attention; if there are 10 men for every 1 woman, all a woman has to do is exist to be a hot commodity. If she starts flirting, that's almost certainly going to be interpreted far too generously by far too many desperate men... from what I've read about oil towns, where the ratio is skewed toward many single men for the number of single women, it's outright dangerous to be a woman there, and you want to attract as little attention as possible.

(if you just meant the gym on that ratio, and not the town, and the town itself has a more usual male-to-female ratio, could just be a cultural thing that for whatever your town or country doesn't promote or encourage flirting as much as some other places)


David22's picture

I'm really glad I found this site, Chase. Through applying your stuff I really can tell you are a wise man. I love how you ignore others' perceptions of reality and only care for what really works. I've always had a similar outlook on life as you, I believe what works, not what is preached. Every time I have been doubtful of something, you remind me that observations have more credit than "common knowledge." I always felt flirty girls were insencere. Girls that really liked me would be rather reserves or nervous. I myself work in short bursts of time when I feel the most awake and alert, and find time to finish tasks in class to relax later. You're right that looks aren't important, I've seen girls worship an ugly Asian dude. I've had a five foot Mexican friend that had tons of taller girls enamoured of him. When I read your site, I remember how much control I have in life and I'm glad that I have a trusted source for advice with girls and social abilities, as well as someone reminding me that the world isn't all that it seems.

The M's picture

Hey Chase,

Cool article. One question: if you're in a high-status position (famous actor, or just won some award), where lots of fangirls then come over to you and goo-goo eye you and talk about how much they admire what you do, is that real or not? Is that a case where you're higher status and they're flirting with you?

One other question: should I try to match a girl's speaking speed and style - or more generally, her energy level? Some girls talk faster and more excitedly, and are energetic - should I stay slow and calm, or match them a little?

The M

Chase Amante's picture


If you're high status and girls are falling all over themselves for you, that's not really flirting so much as it is just nervous, hopeful, uncalibrated chasing behavior. I just read a review of Rob Lowe's autobiography where he talks about being a teen idol, where women were just losing it around him and sex was crazy easy, and on one side he enjoyed it, and on the other he found it kind of saddening, because he knew that none of these girls really knew anything about him or cared, they were just following the herd. Then he couldn't get another gig and went back to being a nobody bussing tables at a restaurant, before breaking back into Hollywood later on and getting famous all over again.

If a girl's energetic, you're better off being calmer (but still warm), and gradually guiding her down to your level. The only time to match her emotional levels is if she's agitated in a bad way and close to auto-rejecting; like, if she's angry or upset about a situation that's outside of your control, you want to match that to pace her reality and let her know you're on the same side with her, then gradually tone it back down.


Anonymous's picture

Hello Chase.

First of all, thank you for a very helpful site and an insightful book.
Could you adress the issue of height and how it affects attraction and the feeling of physical dominance?
Is there methods to balance a shorter than avarage height and if so what would those be?
Can a shorter man compensate with a powerful charisma and steadfast sexual frame?
I myself am about 5'10, not short per se but not tall either. If you would reply, wether it be in this comment section or as a passage in an articel about dominance it would do much to ease my concern -and surely many other with me.
Thank You.

Darkwings92's picture

Hey I'm not Chase but I can truly say height plays a factor. You should be fine though at 5'10. Lol i'm 5'3 and I do ok. This site takes all the things you can control and lays them at your feet for improvement. Sure some girls will say your not tall enough but it's cool. By the time u amass enough numbers you won't even care. In fact you might be thanking them in your head for disqualifying themselves and not wasting your time :).

Anonymous's picture

Thank you for giving me a clear answer. I do however still wonder if not height is linked to the feeling of percieved dominance in men. Perhaps good posture, sprezzatura and charisma does well to compensate and provide that same feeling in the female mind. I do not think I am short but it buggs me not to be able to improve and surpass the average male in the height department.
It could be height is something a man has to live with, but if is but one of many factor in ones image then shouldn't that issue still be improved upon by other means?
I hope my thoughts made sense and again: Thank you.

Darkwings92's picture

I believe it's most certainly linked by women and men but unfortunately it's one of the things we can't change. It's not a skill so much as it is an inborn inheritance of sorts. Sad how we put so much prestige on something we virtually do nothing to earn or master huh? Alas I wouldn't mind seeing an article on it myself.I've gotten negative reactions because my height doesn't match to my deep voice or the way I carry myself. Ever on expects me to be like the comedian Kevin Hart because we're both short and black.

Anonymous's picture

I think there is an article here about making your seductions efficient. Now working with the idea that a tall(er) stature is desireable in men, perhaps I should only sleep with shorter women. Obviously it is possible (not even that hard) to attract taller women but is it efficient?
All in all: adopting a rule of "shorter domen only" should increase my sucess rate at least somewhat. Also, I must admit, I am not completely comfortable dating taller women myself.

Darkwings92's picture

It takes balls the size of cannons lol.You've got to completely own the frame from the moment she sees you and long after.You can't let up for a second.Trust me at 5'3 my girlfriend was and easy 5'11 and I had to be dominant in ways I didn't even know I was capable of.That being said going against the norm in anyway test you as a person and even more so as a man especially when nearly everyone friends,family and peers look at you an her and go WTF. Think of it as a hurdle, and tall or not they're still girls ;)

Xeno's picture

Hey Chase, I demand respect from both men and women to the point where I boil up and obcess when I do not have it. While I believe its good for me to demand respect, when I feel violated I seethe with anger. At that point, I can't freely think and i'm out of the game. I guess what i'm really getting at is how can I work on my temper because it gets in the way. Thanks.

Chase Amante's picture


I'd suggest doing a lot more cold approaching. This both changes how much importance you place on any one person's opinion of you, since you're constantly meeting new people and forgetting old, and upgrades your social skills at such a rapid rate that you get very good at commanding respect right away (you have to be, or you fail with most of the girls you meet).

Cold approach will also subject you to far more disrespectful situations than you'll encounter otherwise, which will really frustrate you at first, but leads to you having a more philosophical view of respect: people who disrespect you aren't doing it because they've accurately assessed your value and are providing some sort of objective judgment of it, but merely are doing it because it seems socially expedient and they're just using you as a rung to climb on. When you realize that it's not really about you, but is rather about them, your perspective on disrespect changes... and you also tend to view it as an opportunity to turn their efforts to ladder climb you against them, and hoist yourself up over them at their expense instead.

In short: go talk to more strangers. It'll be punishing at first, exciting next, and highly educational throughout.


Flirty Girl's picture

Hi, flirty girl here. I found this site because I wanted to know if I was a freak or if anyone else knew it was possible for us girls to orgasm by just having good old fashion sex. I see you do and know a few other things.

Just wanted to let you boys know that I'm a very flirty girl but only with those I would sleep with/date. It would be such a shame to miss out on someone because they thought otherwise.

Chase Amante's picture

Flirty Girl-

Thanks for the counterpoint!

I would guess that you are either a.) very confident, or b.) live in a conservative area or one with a lot more single men than single women?

Very confident women often don't need men chasing after them, or get it automatically from their personalities without having to act remotely flirty, and can reserve flirting solely for men they like (to give them that little extra "push" to take action), and women from conservative regions don't flirt much in general, especially not with men who "might get the wrong idea", while women from regions with a lot more single men than women just need to be careful about what signals they're sending out so they don't get too many desperate men thinking the wrong thing.

Anyway, those are the "exceptions to the rule" scenarios I'm aware of!


Anonymous's picture

Perfect timing... I saw you recently posted about submissive vs. independent women but I've identified a type that I'm not sure how to classify because she doesn't seem to be one or the other, but also doesn't seem to fall in between either. Let me try to describe this type of girl as much as possible. She's the type who:

-Isn't submissive but isn't confident either. She acts very hard to get which makes her appear confident but it's because she IS hard to get. You won't see her holding your eye contact, making any moves, or actively testing a guy's confidence. Since she's not really submissive nor shy, but probably more quiet and reserved with people she doesn't know well, she doesn't reject you because she's scared nor insecure. You'll never catch her obviously flirting with a guy if at all.

-She probably has one, and yes one, not even two, best friend and everyone else is more like an acquaintance who she sees maybe a couple times a year. This friend is her world and only with her friends does she act like her true self and let her guard down. You can tell she has a hater side and probably a small discreet tattoo somewhere. She also wears her in that "i'm a naughty good girl" way: hair parted with the locks to the side (all over one shoulder and not both). Which brings me to the next thing...

-You can tell she's very into appearances. She's constantly monitoring and improving her image although you wonder who she's trying to impress. She has a nice slim body, tanned and you can tell she's very classy. She probably comes from a nice family, possibly rich, but what you know for sure is that it's not a bad family. It's likely she's a single child - daddy and mommy's little girl - but you get the feeling daddy and mommy might be divorced and she might have moved around a lot as a child.

-She's generally pretty quiet, at least to most people. She doesn't show very much emotion at all, even in bed. She never initiates or craves sex, but of course she still enjoys it because it's sex after all. You wonder if she has the capacity to really love or feel but everything is still a mystery. You rarely see her with a guy but if she is with one he's usually a bad boy because they're the only ones with enough confidence to deal with a girl so mysterious.

So I hope you can piece together the kind of girl i'm referring to. I'm not so sure she falls under the submissive/independent continuum but let me know if she would belong in the middle. I hope you can relate and provide some analysis on these types of girls e.g. why they are why they are and how to handle them. They don't seem like ideal partners just because they don't seem to be able to connect, but I'm so interested in what you have to say because I'm very very curious. Ty.

Chase Amante's picture


These are actually the girls on the extreme end of the independence scale, with a bit of narcissism mixed in. They don't test much because they just don't care. They don't talk too much with strangers because they aren't that interested in people and generally see themselves as superior to most of the more pedestrian individuals around them regardless. They take care of their appearances because they have a great deal of pride, and want to make sure everyone else has no reason not to notice their superiority. Anyone who doesn't gets dismissed as foolish and irrelevant. They don't flirt because they could take men or leave them.

In bed, they're not usually that good because they've had no reason or motivation to learn how to please a man. They just don't care about the man's enjoyment. I had a girlfriend like this for a while; when I ran Strawberry Fields on her, her response to, "And what would you say to the farmer whose strawberries you were eating?" was, "Who cares about him?" She was quite a character. But, ultimately, not really LTR material, that's for sure. Very interesting and educational, these girls are, though.


Anonymous's picture

Exactly what I needed! This site has changed my life

Nuncle's picture

Chase, this is indeed good stuff as usual but it does confuse things a little in that it appears to clash with the advice often given in pick-up circles and life that you have to be bold and seize your opportunities. You know all the "Dude! She was sitting on your sofa, she kept stroking your hand and she said you had nice arms and you didn't go for it!!!"

I personally often look back on times past and slap my forehead and think "Oh hell how many signals did she give me? How can I have missed that she was interested?"

Any guidance on when we should assume we are being signalled and when we should just file it under "empty flirting"?

What are the sort of situations about which we can genuinely say "Dude! She gave you a green light there! How could you have missed it?"

Chase Amante's picture


With situations where you're unsure, just lead things to the next step and escalate compliance. You will very quickly find out if she really was super into you... or not.

I've seen lots of the "dude, she was SO into you!" comments, and what you need to realize is that most guys are very poor judges of this. I've taken groups of students come out, and have them be incredibly impressed because some girl was "so into" me or one of the other students, when in reality she was utterly refusing compliance, while continuing to flirt. Alternately, I've had students and mentees watch me pick up and sleep with girls that they'd later tell me how surprised I was, because she didn't seem interested in me at all.

Most guys just aren't good at gauging which girls are actually interested, and which aren't. Much of the PUA industry is built on this - a lot of the infield footage that focuses on getting makeouts with girls, or girls to say / do crazy things, gets viewers really excited at what's possible... without realizing that the PUAs putting those videos together sleep with very few of those girls they're having all those makeouts and wild scenarios with.

Flirty behavior can sometimes be connected to actual intent and desire to mate, but much of the time it's actually pretty divorced from it, and just something girls are doing for fun.


Samm's picture

I just had the same experience!! I know this as beeing "nice". I think I always fell in love through other girls beeing really "nice" to me. It's funny that you write about this, because I just recently thought about it. The thing is, that when a semi-attractive women is really nice to me, I get the feeling that she likes me more than others. What I didnt realize is, that some women are nice to everyone, that means, that they smile with everyone and touch them(beeing flirty). I will talk with them, they laugh ...and I normally get the idea, that we have a connection..because we seem to have a good conversation. These women seem to have good conversations with everybody lol, but its the true. These women laugh about almost everything and are really easy in making guys fall in love with them.

asianpersuasion's picture


I think you uncovered a large chunk of wool over my eyes with this article. Thank you! I notice now that while I flirt with just about everyone, I always ramp up my flirting when a girl starts flirting back....

From what I've just read, it looks like I need to do the opposite... Girls that flirt with me should be getting more of my aloof side.

Is that a good rule of thumb to go by? Flirt when the girl doesn't and be more aloof when the girl flirts?

In social circle situations, I'm not sure what would happen if I start being aloof when girls flirt, but flirting with them when they stop.

Thanks for all the insights! When Minnesota thaws out, I'll be looking forward to seeing life spring back into public venues so that I can post more FRs.

- AP

Chase Amante's picture


Good to see you back getting into the swing of things! Yes, that's a pretty good rule of thumb. The exception might be flirty girls you want purely as social contacts, not as potential sexual ones. Think ahead of course - if you might fall for some girl and get a little infatuated later, even if you're not now, still treat her as a potential sexual prospect.

I wouldn't start flirting with a flirty girl after she stops - this can look too much like classic chasing behavior, where the guy "wakes up" after the girl quits investing and realizes he's lost her and needs to get her back.

Instead, just flirt with the girls who aren't very flirty with you, or who are just a little flirting, and be aloof and to-the-point with the ones who are flirty, or were previously. Sort of like, "Hey, I'm going to grab a bite - come with me?" in an inviting-but-noncommittal tone.


Anonymous's picture

I want to thank you so much for this article. I'm so happy to have found this website. After having read a couple of articles, I immediately noticed the difference between them and all the other content on this subject on the internet.

I'm a flirt. I flirt all the time with women I would never date, women to whom I'm not attracted or with whom I expect no future. I've never thought it might mean anything to them. I've always kind of assumed that they're in on what's going on and they feel the same as I do, that is: I'm flirting only because it's fun, funny, and makes the day go faster. I didn't even consider it flirting, I've always thought of it as a sense of humor or something like that.

At the same time, I seem to continue to get my heart broken by pursuing flirty girls. For some weird reason it never occurred to my caveman brain, before you pointed it out, that they're also human beings like me who like to flirt, without having intentions of commitment, relationship, or sex.

I appreciate so much the time and thought put into these amazing articles; they're gold!

Anonymous's picture

I've long noticed that girls who are very comfortable flirting with me from the get go usually see me as nothing more than platonic friends. Girls that like me are usually a bit nervous when talking to me.

However my issue is that when I can tell the girls are obviously attracted to me (e.g. stealing glances when I'm not looking), they get nervous sometimes even to the point of uncomfortable when I start talking to them (especially if I ramp up the sexual vibe with shy girls), which more often than not makes them shut down a lot quicker than I had expected. It makes the situation awkward and makes me lose interest because they don't respond very well when they are not comfortable.

This seems like a sticking point I can't really get past: how do I make them comfortable around me but not so much that they only see me as a platonic friend?

(Note I have a very boyish look which makes people don't take me as seriously as other guys my age, and I could have somehow subconciously responded to this by trying to compensate this aspect by being a lot more sexual and aggressive than my looks permit?)

Chase Amante's picture


That's pretty common to run into when you've got your fundamentals down and come across as a pretty attractive guy; no worries. Check out these articles on putting girls sufficiently at ease around you when they're feeling nervous / like you're out of their leagues:

As for boyish looks, aggressiveness can help, and sexuality is big - facial hair's another:


MonteCristo's picture

Chase; I've been parsing through your site for a few weeks now and I have to say, this is the best dating-related website I've ever come across. Well done, sir. I have a rather perplexing question for you, however; so this gorgeous girl I used to hang out with that you could qualify as a "love at first sight" type just recently contacted me after 2 years (no typo) of no contact. We went out on a total of 3 dates, and on the 4th time we hung out, with friends, it ended shortly thereafter. To this day I believe it was because I was too intoxicated that night and because I proceeded to "smother" her when she talked to other guys (big mistake on my part). We never had sex, but after our 3rd date a while back, we were in my bed and were close, but she then said something along the lines of "I can't do this right now because I don't want to have sex too soon." We used to text a lot but then it got to a point where she was always busy or something.

So fast forward to present day: she contacted me a few months ago, and almost right after we started talking again, she broke up with her then boyfriend and is currently single. I haven't talked to her in awhile, because I'm just letting the dust settle (the last time I was the "rebound" guy so I'm trying to avoid that moniker again). Soo one day it was cool then it just abruptly ended...and now, after 2 years, we are starting to talk again, albeit online. What do I make of this and how would you approach the situation? Much obliged, Chase.

Chase Amante's picture


Girls will pretty commonly get in touch with both ex-boyfriends and guys they liked / flirted with in the past when the break up with an ex. It's part of their "let's see what else is out there / see if there's anyone I hit it off with" routine. Chances are, she's talking to you, and a few other men from her past, but that doesn't mean you can't get her.

Most important thing of course is just getting her out and getting her in person. She likes you; and she wants to see if the magic is still there. You can't show her it is over correspondence though - you must get her in person. If you can show her a good time in person, you'll be in good shape.


jonnywishbone's picture

Hi Chase, really enjoyed reading this article. I'm currently dating what you would probably call a flirty girl. When I first met her she definitely fell into the bracket of being nervous around me, but overtly flirty with other guys. I moved fast with her and things went well. We are now going out, but what confuses me is that I know she is into me (things like compliance, how much time she wants to spend with me, she buys me things, travels to me me etc etc), I still find she is flirty with other guys - like she is really addicted to the attention. Just eye contact and smiling with guys as we walk down the street, waiters in restaurants etc, but in all honestly I don't know how to handle it. Is this normal? What's your thoughts on how I should view/handle this? Would love to see a post on this

Red Handed's picture

Whoever you are, you've got great insight. This describes me to a T. I get myself into trouble all the time by flirting with guys I'm not really interested in—because it's always fun to create a little sexual tension, and I automatically feel charming and confident when I'm talking to guys I consider myself "above." Also, the attention does wonders for one's self esteem. I never mean for guys to take me seriously, though. It really is a game to me.

But when I'm around a guy I really like, I turn into a shy, nervous wreck, and can't even hold a conversation... Underneath it all I'm pretty insecure. I would guess that most of the girls you're describing are too.

Ben's picture

It was already too late for me by the time I read this. Next time I'll put it into practice, but unfortunately I have already become a "fixture" in this girl's life. I have foolishly indulged in an emotional commitment and what's worse, I'm sort of stuck seeing her every day. How do I deal with this? Anything you got I'll take. Thanks.

Too flirty's picture

I just wanted to confirm as a flirty girl, this article is bang on. Scary bang on.

I came across it while trying to research what is wrong with me, and why I keep getting myself in trouble!

I work in a male dominated industry and the ratio of men to women is very high. For this reason, I try to keep the flirting down to just a reasonable friendly level, but it sure does make the day more fun! I love to talk with people, and always feels like; can it really be harmful if everyone is having a good time? I would never insinuate anything sexual on purpose - I think it's tacky when people joke like that - but just enjoy remembering peoples names, smiling at strangers, and asking people about themselves. I'm ultimately insecure, and think I just want people to like me! I do the same with women, but men are usually more receptive :)

It sure does cause trouble sometimes though. As a request from a flirty, but ultimately not heartless girl, please don't get mad at us if we turn down your invitation at something more. We are just trying to make the world a more likeable place.

JJ's picture

You're perfectly on point hit the nail on the head over & over & over without a miss. I'm 24 and I've only had one serious relationship b/c well I fell in love the guy he was astounding. I remember wanting to approach him so badly when I met him at his shop he's Native American and my usually confident Russian Jew little self felt so fearful of him giving the cold shoulder or making it clear he had no interest. I'm an Aquarius and definitely the coquettish aggressor type I'm after all into the CBT branch of bdsm with hot arrogant men which I find to be pathetically easy prey. They're just eye candy I chew I spit out, but nothing more. Plus I relish teaching them a lesson or two. Like you mentioned I don't feel actual chemistry or attraction of the spirit kind with these guys to me they're like Louis Vuitton purses there for compliments and my disposal. Anyway, when I met this special guy i felt not love at first sight, but more than lust like an electric current a spiritual connection. I know it sounds cliche to say that I felt there was an invisible string binding us together like marionettes, but it felt so. Typically, with the one night stands all I feel ais a small amount of mental stimulation,hardly any emotional and very little physical desire. With those guys the spiritual aspect remains untouched. I can tell by the way my stomach and gut feels when a guy is a fly by I get a bit of acid reflux or a nauseating knot in my stomach knowing it means nothing. With the one who got away i felt butterflies like the feeling of riding a roller coaster euphoria really :) When I had the nerve to approach him I was a stuttering flustered mess lol I knew he was from another state from his accent and since I knew I'd be moving from the state were we met and I was living at in 3 months ( I move frequently) I knew I had to keep in touch with him. Ends up he was originally from the southwest and moving back to where I was also moving to call it fate :) I'm a nerd hard to believe just not the antiquated cliche shy conservative type obviously, I don't wear glasses either I look like a metal head b/c I kind of am aside from being geeky which only an Aquariuan can pull of such a crazy combo lol then again I'm Russian American. So yeah, he was also super smart and we hit it off like I knew we would. The point being I'd never meddle with the feelings of someone I really liked I act like a lady well not really lol around folks I love, when someone is an a** I load all my weapons b/c I want to feel in charge and it's like taking candy from a baby.

Dee's picture

I am female & I only flirt with people I am very very attracted to, whom I actually wish to pursue. And if the flirting is reciprocated, then I tell them clearly & out loud that I like them, so there is no ambiguity. I am friendly and smiley with everyone else, male and female, but I take pains not to lead people on.

I actually do not like when men flirt with me without a heartfelt intention to date & get to know me. I find it threatening because they are much bigger than I am and I don't know how far they will take it (will they try to touch me? follow me?), and it's a also a bit insulting, because I know that most people, of both sexes, flirt indiscriminately and I don't like to feel like someone is messing with my emotions just to boost their ego. I don't mind when girls flirt with me though, as they are less threatening, and I am a bit less interested in women, so I'm not as likely to get emotionally attached.

Also, I am NOT attracted to men whom I perceive as having "higher status" at all. Personally I don't like people who think that way - no one is better than anyone else, and I do not like people who are (or even just think they are), "better" than I am. I strive to have very equal romantic relationships, so I prefer men who are very much in touch with their feminine side, and non-dominant. Side note: It seems to me, from the outside as someone who does not do this, that women/people who are looking for men/people with "higher status" are trying to somehow better themselves via their romantic relationships, and that seems a bit like using people.

This article is interesting to be sure, but a bit disheartening, because it reminds me of how many mind games people can play, instead of just being genuine and vulnerable. I feel like most of my relationship problems in the past were caused by the other person trying to read between the lines, and/or trying to establish dominance over me, which is very annoying. All these "tests" and games - how exhausting! Just ask the girl if she likes you lol.

I love a kindhearted man who can just be soft and sweet and not censor their feelings toward me for fear I will reject them just for being vulnerable, and who won't "escalate" the relationship in a contrived way with excessive touching or sexual comments - that's not appropriate behavior. I remember I liked a guy a lot a few years ago, who unfortunately kept caressing my forearm on the first date, over and over again even after I gently pulled away - and I thought, is this some PUA stuff? Because it was not at all in keeping with the non-romantic conversation we were having in that moment. So I never went out with him again (and told him why: the unwanted touching and his fetishizing my multi-ethnic heritage - "oh you're so exotic" "I never dated a Spanish girl before" etc., made me feel I wasn't a human being to him, but a prize and potential possession). Bottom line: Dominance is not attractive to every woman, and I think it's especially not attractive to women who are bisexual or neurally atypical (Aspergers, etc), and I fit both categories.

Anyway, just a few thoughts & I hope everyone reading this finds someone who cares about them and treats them with respect. Say what you mean and mean what you say, and surround yourself with humans who do the same -- it makes life a lot easier :). Peace.

Another girl's picture


both of you, thank you for your interesting texts.

I also learned from the article on the one side, and on the other side disagreed with the same points as Dee. I'm also female and bisexual and I'm kind of flirty with some guys, but I would never get the idea to mislead someone about my intentions, because that could put me into uncomfortable situations... Maybe it depends on how secure women feel, you know, about the whole situation, and on how confident they are about themselves, and on their flirting experiences... But a female flirt does not imply that they feel superior, it's more a sign of trust and comfort, or just an overall good mood. Of course in this world you can find every type of person, even nasty ones with superiority complexes, BUT one should really be careful to claim something as the behavior of half the population.   

I view the difference between being approached by men and women in the same way as Dee. And though I think that the stop or deal with it method would  be helpful to find out about the flirt's intentions, the "get touchy" method could scare a female away even if she really is interested. In fact, everything on that list should have the right timing.  

And, yeah, I'd also look for an equal rather than a superior :) 


Justncredible's picture

Maybe I've never met a "flirty" girl, or it's possible I've always just assumed the types of girls your talking about were playful, either way, would there be a distinction one could make between someone flirting for fun and profit, and one with intentions(it's possible the guys you talk about getting hung up can't read emotions and intentions well) I can't get a feel for the difference simply by reading text, any film/scene recommendations could make this much clearer.

ug's picture

thank you, i think this article cleared a lot of things for me as this subject is one i am struggling with in my recent interactions: flirty girl, but going nowhere. i found a lot of insight and wisdom, which is what i am seeking.
so thank you :)

Add new comment

The Latest from