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Dating Narcissistic and Egotistical Women

Chase Amante

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Chase Amante's picture

date a narcissistA commenter on the article about sexy body language asks the following regarding narcissistic and egotistical women:

I was wondering if you could put out any content on how to deal with narcissistic, overly selfish women. They're tougher to deal with on some levels and I'd love to see what kind of content you have for how to deal with that type of woman.

If you're like many people reading this article, your first reaction might be, "Who on Earth wants to date a narcissist?"

You know... selfish, egotistical, conniving. Unempathetic. Cold, in many ways.

But there're two sides to everything, and narcissism is no exception. Narcissists also tend to be incredibly charming, very charismatic, and quite colorful. They're frequently the center of attention... the bright and shiny objects at the middle of the room.

They are the coveted. And they enjoy being coveted.

In fact, there are reasons you may want to date a girl who's a narcissist... just as there are reasons you may not.

Comments

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Nick-

On banking, I'd recommend you keep both a joint account and a separate account. Joint, just because it's easier to pay for household items from the joint account and keep track of expenses, and because that way if, for instance, you end up in a situation where your wife is staying at home to take care of the kids while you work, you can make sure she has a steady supply of money to use when she needs it (e.g., for grocery shopping, purchases, emergency spending, etc.). It also communicates a level of trust and togetherness that is lacking if you never have a joint account.

And separate, because you'll want to retain your financial independence and have a certain amount of your finances that are completely under your control. Ideally, you'd only marry a woman who's better with money than you (I've never had a girlfriend who's had debt or wasn't very good with money - this is a big turnoff for me), but in case you did, you'd want to make sure you're keeping an eye on the lion's share of your income and that you're doing something responsible with it and managing it wisely.

Marriage sites: can't say there are... it's never really been a topic of much interest for me, personally! There are probably decent sites out there; I'd guess you just have to look. Often, the best marketing and the best material do not go hand-in-hand.

On emotional association: no, still haven't written a post on that yet. I'll throw it on the post queue. But you don't need empathy for it; I've had women with zero empathy become strongly emotionally associated with me. It happens any time a girl is in love with you, yes, and continues so long as her emotions remain positive toward you. Essentially, it's a connection where she views you as a very "good" and very "valuable" part of her life, who is firmly on "her side." This can flip quite quickly though - especially with women low in empathy, who aren't able to really gauge what you're thinking and only are able to view your actions from their own perspectives and decide on their own if you are "good" or "bad" - and turn into disassociation. Keeping a woman emotionally associated to you is all about having her continue to see you as "good," "on her side," and "valuable." Even if she's empathetic, if you stop being these things, she can still empathize with you, but won't remain terribly associated to you for long.

Chase

Mark's picture

I don't know if I read it wrong but I find the following section of the article is a little misleading;

"If you're fine meting out (genuine) praise, are sensitive about not poking people in their sore spots, don't have much of a need for emotional connection, are strong and dominant, are highly self-improvement oriented and on an upward swing in your achievements and skills, are confident and secure and not overly jealous or controlling but still firm and certain in what you want, can at least control yourself around people calling other people "weak," and are good in bed, you should be fine with a narcissistic girlfriend".

No normal man can truly be fine with a narcissistic girlfriend because it's IMPOSSIBLE to have a happy and healthy relationship with a one. They are great for one night stands but not if you are looking for love/to get serious/wife material. It's just impossible to have a long-lasting and loving relationship with a real narcissist (for all the reasons listed in the article). Totally impossible!!!No matter how strong a man is, or fits the description above, after a while the narcissist BS thinking and behaviour is just too much to live with for any man. The only way a man can date a narcissist and avoid getting hurt is to use and not respect them. Essentially not care about her or the outcome and expect it to end.

Anonymous's picture

thanks for ur blog, its really eye opening, i wanted to ask, what about a narcissist that is at that desperate age, to want to get married, do narcissist women want that, and do they become desperate, how would this differ in the way they treat the guy they are with? the guy the specifically target for marriage?
thanks!!!

sxy_vince's picture

Hi Chase

Thanks for your advice to date. I bought your eBook and have perused the blog and, along with effort on my behalf, I have been having more success with women.

I have slept with a number of girls that are wholesome and intelligent (emotionally and often intellectually as well). When I move things forward with them I feel like there is mutual respect.

I would appreciate some advice on how to date narcissistic women without being insulted and repulsed when they come across as gamey, self-entitled and arrogant "princesses". Here are some examples:

Girl#1: We hung out for a bit but I got sick of her because she would take her time making me wait for her to get ready or get dressed. At one point, she asked if I wanted to meet for coffee - I said yes but on the way there she said "oh you know that you are paying because I don't have any money". I was so repulsed by this I never associated with her again.

Girl#2: She was clearly interested in me, flirting all the time. We hung out for a bit. But on two occasions I asked her to meet me for a drink and she said she was "too busy" when clearly she wasn't. I got sick of that since she was more into me then I was into her. Then she would kind of start chasing me, at once stage almost literally begging me to text her. I hesitated but when I eventually did she started acting like she was "too busy" again.

This is a common dynamic for me. I'm reasonably confident these girls do genuinely like me (perhaps even to the point of obsession) but they seem to have this idea in their heads that because I am a man I should chase them and worship them like a "prize". But since I'm not comfortable with that role nothing ever happens, I get sick of them, and they end up feeling hurt.

Any advice on how to prevent, circumvent, or otherwise deal with these situations? Or do I need to change my perspective?

Anonymous's picture

very impressed with this article.

Anonymous's picture

Every man can't stand a narcissistic and egotistical woman at all. Those types of women repel men, especially when they are maneaters.

Bohemius's picture

Great article overall, nevertheless, I sense in the tone of your article the narcissit that lives in you. Actually, you almost defend it narcissism out front. Well, sorry to tell you
man, but, dating a narcissist that its no going to feel empathy EVER is just a clear proof that you have HUGE SELF STEEM ISSUES. which is, by the way, what lies at the core and bottom of every narcissit. Been in a relationship where RECIPROCITY IS NON EXISTENT, is not a relationship. Its a form of slavery. You are a tool, she will use you and she will abandon you, with the same easyness. Are there very passionate? YES, THEY ARE. Nevertheless, that's even worse, because it makes you feel that "feelings"are developing, and deep down, they, the narcissits, have no feelings, no way to connect with their feelings. (maybe that's the reason you, the writer of the article, feel "comfortable around them, they dont require something you cant give and they are a mirror to yourself).

Other point, they are the most terrible care takers, they are oppresive fathers and mothers, humiliating, castrating, agressive and very commonly, verbal and physical abuse as parents is very very common.

Having say all that, good article, very interesting points. Thanks!.

Sexstyleandselfrespect's picture

Great post again, but one thing I think should be clarified is the difference between dating, relationships, and long term relationships or potential marriage on this subject.
I've had high quality women, models etc as girlfriends, and part of that is having a few narcissists thrown in between along the way. Narcissists can be great fun for dating as you say, the effort they put into themselves puts them miles ahead of competition (which is there motivation) and the sex is normally great, which keeps you hooked (also indirectly part of their motivation and sex drive). But when it comes to your future, long term relationships or potential marriage, I would say the type of advice you offer elsewhere, ie "find some saner company" is the best advice by a mile. And as you say in many other posts, the easiest time to find saner company is now, before you get hooked into something you're too turned on by to get out of.
The pschological forces acting on real narcassists, especially when backed by fear of rejection when narcissism has grown out of sad family backgrounds and low self esteem is huge, and the end results almost certain - it's just a matter of time until they manifest themselves. Their need for admiration and validation can be a black hole that can become impossible to fill. There's simply far too much at stake, and the chances of ending up with drama that you don't need or waking up one day to find that things aren't what you thought they were when she leaves you because she "loves you bit is not in love with you" or "doesn't feel the same way anymore" - auto rejection on steroids - are far too high to make sense to the man with other options. Your investment can turn to zero overnight.
Fun for a while, but be careful.

Anonymous's picture

I just started dating a new guy and am struggling with his kindness (not as aloof as I like), but I am really otherwise into his status and qualities (he's a surgeon with NOOOO baggage...e.g. never married or kids). He checks off quite a few boxes for me!!

(I am a N.) I was googling for tips on dating woman like me.

I loved this article... I can totally vouch for many of the points that you have made.

I have told my new man about how I am...I sometimes do this, depending on the guy. I don't say the N word, but I highlight how things are/what to expect. Within a week of knowing him, I called him out on a few things. With me, it is take it or leave it. I am in my late twenties, am VERY successful, and attractive. (All by subjective AND objective standards.. ;) I have no shortage of men waiting to date me. The new one is passing my tests so far. He will be rewarded for this. Men who date woman like me are NOT victims...unless they choose to be! They just need to understand how we are....and let us go when we know we are done.

He's clearly infatuated with me and I'm cautiously optimistic that he'll be good for me for a while. (I can't do relationships for a long period of time...you are absolutely correct about emotional intimacy...) I do try to make my relationships last as long as possible if the guy doesn't get too attached too fast. I always feel like I'm looking for emotional intimacy, if that makes sense, but when I sense it could happen, I pull away. Fast. Sometimes without explanation.

You really hit the nail on the head. I RESENT nice guys. I need a strong and dominant guy, someone who I feel is worthy. I simply CANNOT stand guys that ooze niceness (without wanting sex or a trophy.) I tend to date men that are narcissistic themselves, or at least have tendencies due to their life success and status.

I struggled a lot more when I was younger. I didn't yet have the degree and the career. Now that I have it, I am much happier. No shortage of men, and I really am doing well! Being an N sounds really glamorous or something...it isn't. There are good days and bad days. We see the world differently than the average person and have learned to navigate it differently.

Lastly, being a female N can come in VERY handy in certain professions. I am a litigator and my personality serves my clients and my firm incredibly well.

Gerald's picture

I stopped reading your web because of work and school, but now that I've have time to read again.... I have to tell you how awesome your posts are! Relatable, funny and positive! I always learn something to improve about myself, whether its for women, work or just being a person. THANK YOU!

Anonymous's picture

Many of the women today are like that which makes it very hard to date these type of women since it is all about them.

Ultros's picture

This is well wrote and explains a lot. Thank-you so much.

JJ's picture

Hello guys in the same "dating a narscassistic woman" boat as I was in, It's really a drag when you look back and see your girl was one, but here's my story, I met this chick online a few years ago, we talked on the phone for about two weeks but on the first night we were exchanging dirty pictures in which I hit the jackpot on sexy chicks here, so I finally meet her and we go to a little resturaunt bar type place and i just couldn't take my eyes off her and kept telling her how beautiful she was but she already knew this, so after a few drinks we were back at her place and it didn't take no time at all before she was pushing onto her bed, it was an absolutley amazing mind blowing passionate session and afterwards i could tell their was something a little cold with her because most women like to embrace the magic for few minuts and just say " WHEW " you know.... but she just got up went to the bathroom, came back and layed down with a smoke and thats about it, but anyway thats just the begining, we kept talking all the time, we both were hooked on eachother and it felt great and after about a week or so i left her place really early for work and as i was leaving the bedroom she whispered " I LOVE YOU " WOAHHH nelly, a week ?? ok i thought she was sleep talking but nope she knew what she was saying, 1st red flag, anyway we kept steady talking i would visit her all the time, oh i forgot something, back in the first 2 weeks of just phone calls, she asked me if i would be cool if her x took her to Vegas to see Motley Crue, i was like are you fucking kidding me, you talk to your x ??? flag #2, well i said i cant tell you what to do so whatever but inside i was like hell no, " she didn't go " so time goes by and i got layed off from my job and it's only been about a month of knowing eachother so she mentioned about moving in with her, we dove right in then i come to find things out like she has tons of guy friends, no women friends, she looks very high maintanence but isn't but is in cretain ways, nails always look good, hair always done real nice and heavy prefect makeup all the time, then noticed every time we go out i always notice her giving tons of guys double takes and we would be sitting at a table having drinks or eating or whatever and her eyes would always be on scan mode looking around to see if guys were looking at her,she loved attention flag #3, i always felt as if i were in competition with all guys all the time and its very very frustrating and rude, she did love hard and was very passionate and very beautiful and head strong always right, always had to have the last word,, but with the makeup thing, once she toom it off she looked like a troll but with it shes a dime all the way, i was addicted to the dime but knew their was really a troll under all that paint and thats the point when i started to see how fake she rally was, it's crazy how women can have more than one persauna, no empathy whatsoever, so our relationshi lasted for about a year and a half, then the last 6 months I was just looking for a reason to split but im regretting it i think because i ended up falling hard so do you think its just that she was some seriousley sweet arm candy and i felt like i was on top of the world and don't wanna let that go or what, im confused man, any feedback would be greatly appreciated

playtrip's picture

Kudos on a remarkable article. I think you explain it perfectly from a slightly different perspective. I recently experienced a 10mo relationship with a narcissist and it only lasted as long as it did because I behaved exactly as you said you must in order to have a running relationship with a narcissist. Every thing changed when i decided to "open my heart and share a life together with her", at her request. One month later, after hurting her ego, the game changed. I genuinely apologized, and she said she didnt harbor any ill feelings. But it was exactly the opposite. She found someone else to give her the rush. She still fed me the love verbally but began her exit and deception. So, you are right, YOU CAN have a "relationship" with a narcissist. Just dont believer her when she says she loves you and wants more.

Cameron Wolfe's picture

I don't know about the "if you want greatness" you definitely have to have the potential for greatness beforehand. They can be pretty damn draining if you draw some tough circumstances in life, or you end up long term and realize that you do want a deeper emotional bond with your partner. By then, you'll more than likely have a relatively deep attachment to hers and no chance of that emotional bond. Which in my opinion is almost a phenomena and what makes human connection special/surreal/multidimensional. If you're not aware from the get go that she's narcissistic it can be a hard reality to face. I don't know how people can find connection fulfilling without that deep energetic movement or how people view it as "just chemicals" beyond "just chemicals" is energy "an arbitrary term" for something which we can't really phathom. Everything we know about this physical world insist it'll end so when something appears to be out of this world like intense energetic movement "emotion" is felt in consciousness I think it demands significant value. My thoughts, narcissist will definitely draw your emotion but good luck ever feeling any from them.. Sigh..

samuel feurer's picture

So I enjoyed your spin on dating a narcissist from usually being characteristics to run from. I completely understood what you were saying and reflected back to the narcissist I dated for about three months. That being said, I could not tolerate her lack of action for the very things she would ridicule me for. She'd be all about the gym and so I started to work out too but then I'd be like hey I am done with this story could you read it and she would never take the time. Not only when it came to me asking for her to do things for me, I do see how that conflicts with her NPD. But she would just be extremely ignorant of her flaws. Yell that my car is dirty, hers would be filthy and she would even show a little shame about that. The worst of it though, the empty insults toward my morals when every other things out of her mouth was a bold faced lie and so horrible I don't want to share them. I chopped her up to an unintelligent hypocritical bully type narcissist who will fuck anyone over in her path. Yikes. Also she was covert and pursued me because I thought she was married and respected that, but later called me weak and saying I would never have pursued a woman like her. I laughed. That was a mistake. (Now I am just carrying on but to continue), She was terrible in bed and wouldn't communicate at all what she wanted. She once slapped me twice in the face while cuddleing and thats when I told myself, "Fuck her as many times as she lets you and the moment she says "nope" say good bye. I did but in the most insulting way to a narcissist. I never saw her to tell her, I simply wrote and email telleing her how great she was and how she has all this quite wisdom and and strength and if I could take all her pain and suffering away by sacrificing my pinky toe I would. It was perfect and then I went ghost. Gave her the one word answer to the 5 texts I got in reply, which she kept very short because she knew if she did go off on me, I would release her naked pictures of her to the world. In reality those pics saved my life otherwise with no leverage she would have probably slashed my tires. I lucked out from getting away from this bitch but you add an interesting take on dating a narcissist and I agree with you. I do think about it knowing what I know now sometimes but I am to mushy and want that deeper connection to put up with it. great work love reading your articles. thanks for letting me share.

Jen's picture

Your article read me like a book. Very thorough and spot on.

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