When a girl does something good, you can reward her with a cheek
kiss… and open up the floodgates of romantic and sexual potential.
This is a fun little tactic I’ve employed over the years that does a lot of good things for you.
Contents
The tactic is simple: when she does something you like, give her a peck on the cheek, neck, shoulder, or lips.
There’s a little nuance to it, because the power of the kiss will be tied to the level of investment she gives you. The bigger the investment, the weightier the kiss. The lesser the investment, the lesser the kiss.
I’m going to do a quick section to tell you why this is good. And then I’ll give you a few examples of how and where you’d use it.
How ‘Kisses for Good Behavior’ Works
I used to have girls do this to me spontaneously on occasion, and always disliked it because of what it did to the dynamic: it positioned the girl as the approver, and me as doing things to curry favor with her. I’d do something kind of nice for the two of us, like grab us some food, and she’d give me a kiss on the cheek.
It’s kind of ambivalent, right? It might be sexual. But she might also be friend zoning you. It’s difficult to tell. Either way, it puts the recipient into a more of a receptive state; the kisser is the one who metes out approval and who knows what’s going on... the recipient has less of a handle on what’s going on.
The first time I decided to try it myself, I tried it on a girl I’d met up with for a first date at a bar. I’d bought the food for us, and she later got up to go buy us another round of drinks. She returned to the table with a pair of beer mugs, and I told her, “Thanks babe,” and gave her a quick peck on the cheek.
Her eyes lit up, and for the rest of the date any time I did something she liked she would get a huge smile and kiss me on the cheek (which at that point is different, since she’s just following my lead and being cute and playful). I had sex with her outside a few minutes after we left the bar.
I’ve used kisses for good behavior ever since, and it’s been a favorite way to do a few very good things with women:
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It breaks the kiss barrier early on. Even if you only kissed her cheek, the kiss barrier is still broken. It’s much easier to kiss her lips after you’ve kissed her cheek (assuming you did the ‘kiss for good behavior’ tactic right). But kissing her for good behavior is easy itself to do, and harmless. The only times it gets refused are if the girl is very not into you and/or she sees it coming a long way off, and/or she has a hang-up about touch and intimacy (some girls do). More on that later. The rest of the time, you kiss her on the cheek, shoulder, or neck (or sometimes lips) early on, and -poof!- the barrier is much reduced.
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It wakes her up to sexual possibilities. There are only two guys who kiss girls on the cheek like this: creepy guys and sexy guys. And those two guys are just two sides of the same coin, really; a creepy guy is a guy she doesn’t like who’s interested in her. A sexy guy is a guy she likes who’s interested in her. Assuming she likes you (and you won’t usually use this tactic until that’s already pretty well established), the reward kiss will often ‘wake her up’ and make her say, “Whoa. That excited me when he kissed me like that. Maybe something could happen between us!”
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It rewards her and escalates the courtship. One of the most crucial elements of investment is whether and how you reward investment after she makes it. Men often ask women for compliance then forget to reward for it when the girl complies and invests. If you don’t reward, she can feel a little foolish for doing all this extra unappreciated work... and cease to invest. However, if you reward her investment, and do so in an attractive way, she will feel excitement at the recognition and approval of her investment, and she will feel electricity in the air that the courtship is progressing.
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It makes her feel like a little girl around you. Daddy kisses her, and big powerful men kiss her. Now so do you.
It’s a fantastic tactic, the reward kiss. But there are a few catches to it.
Those catches are you want to reduce the odds she refuses it or reacts poorly, and you want to make sure the investment she’s made is enough to warrant the reward.
Avoiding Rebuffs or Refusals
If you try to kiss a girl as thanks for some bit of compliance and she rebuffs you, you’re not in so good a place.
Picture it like this: you’ve asked her to go up ahead and save seats for the two of you. When you reach her at the seats she’s saved, you lean in to give her a peck on the cheek. “Nice job,” you say – but then she moves away and puts her hands up.
“Yeah, it’s fine,” she says, a grimace on her face.
You can get past this. I have. But it certainly doesn’t help you. You tried to reward her for compliance, and she declined the reward. The messages there are “I did this for myself, not for you/us” and “I don’t value affection from you as a reward.” Ouch.
There’s still hope with girls like this. If she sticks around and continues to flirt, you can gradually escalate touch with her, and even reward kiss her later on in the courtship. When you do this with girls who initially rebuffed/refused you, you can see them start to thaw as the courtship progresses. She may still give you a grimace when you cheek-kiss her later, but she won’t fight it as hard. And then the next time after that she just accepts it with a laugh or a smirk instead of a grimace. At that point you can get quite physical with her and have her be comfortable with it. It’s usually only ‘avoidant’ women you need to go through this ‘thawing’ process with; women who are uncomfortable with closeness and don’t like it when people touch them.
If she likes you, she’ll warm up to you eventually.
If she gets weird and leaves soon after or creates a lot of distance, you may have a girl who simply is not interested with you. My suggestion in this case is you do a little attainability work, then give her a few compliance tests. If she remains standoffish and uncomfortable, you may be dealing with a girl who is not romantically interested in you... in which case you ought to just make your exit and meet someone else.
But let’s talk how to avoid the need to even have to deal with rebuffs or refusals in the first place.
There are two (2) ingredients to this:
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Escalate touch a bit before you use a reward kiss. The reward kiss should not be the first major touch you give her. Your hands should be on her hand, wrist, arm, back, etc., before you reach the point where you reward kiss her. She should be used to your touch already and comfortable with close proximity to you. The more comfortable she is with your touch already, the easier it is to give her a peck on the cheek/neck/shoulder and not get rebuffed. The good news is, you can escalate to this level of touch fairly quick. See my guide to touch on the various ways to do this:
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Use it for a proper bit of investment. The easier it is to interpret something she’s done as something she has done for you, the more inclined she’ll be to accept a kiss as reward. I’ll give you more examples in the next section, but for now, here are two to illustrate the point:
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She pulls you out of the way of an aggressive drunk guy as he crashes his way through the bar and spills beer on everyone. Give her a reward kiss for that – she saved you from getting knocked over, having beer spilled on you, or getting into a fight. That’s a cool thing for her to do.
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She tells you “Oh hey, we can walk now” at the crosswalk you’re both at and points out the now-lit ‘walk’ sign. Don’t give her a reward kiss for this – yes, she’s being helpful, but it’s not a big piece of investment and it will feel weird to her if you kiss her for this (unless you and her have a very excited/sexual connection already. Then it’s okay). If she feels weird she’s more likely to pull back or refuse the kiss.
Escalate touch well, and use the reward kiss for investment that actually merits a kiss for good behavior, and most (interested) girls will happily receive the kiss.
What Kind of Investment Qualifies?
One of the key calibration factors to the reward kiss is “Does this investment/compliance she’s given me merit a kiss?”
If it does, go ahead and kiss her. If it doesn’t, tread a little more carefully.
The basic rule of what investment is ‘kiss-worthy’ is if it’s a bigger piece of investment and one she does specifically for you or the courtship, it’s kiss-worthy. Or, if it’s a medium-sized piece of investment and she does it on her own (i.e., she auto-invests), it’s kiss-worthy. If it is smaller or not as clearly for you or for the courtship, it’s probably not kiss-worthy.
Examples of things she might do that are not usually kiss-worthy:
- You ask her to spin around and show you her dress, and she does
- You ask her for a sip of her drink or a bite of her food and she complies
- You ask her to move with you or sit with you
and she does
- You ask her to meet you outside / at a table / etc. and she does
Note on that last: you can still use the cheek kiss as a greeting. But don’t use it as a compliance reward.
For the most part though, if a girl does these things and you try to
kiss her cheek as a reward after, it will feel ‘off’ to her (and likely
to you as well). The action didn’t merit such a reward... so why did
you give it?
Examples of things she might do that are usually kiss-worthy:
- She offers you a sip of her drink or a bite of her food without you asking
- She brings you food to eat or something to drink
- She saves your seat for you while you’re gone
- She gives you something you need (like a towel at the beach)
- She complies with a bigger request (“Can you ask your friends to
give us a little privacy?”)
Note that if she just orders food or a drink and pays for it,
but someone else (like a waitress) delivers it, it’s often awkward to
kiss her here. But if she physically brings you
food or a drink from some distance away, regardless whether she pays
for it or not, it’s not awkward. You are rewarding the effort of
bringing it to you rather than the act of her spending money on you.
Now... there are caveats here. The more charming you are, the more you can pull off kisses for good behavior even in those situations that usually are not kiss-worthy. Charm is not a 100% guarantor, but it ups your odds to successfully pulls off kiss rewards regardless how appropriate or not they seem.
In normal situations, the bigger the compliance is, the more powerful the kiss reward is. If you can tie a kiss from you to her doing something fairly big for you (like fetching food or drinks from a distance away), you frame the kiss itself as a big reward too. Which makes kissing you a higher value, more desired activity – a kiss with you is a bigger reward. This is another reason you do not want to use kiss rewards for smaller bits of investment.
There is an exception, and that exception is with very aroused girls. If she’s very turned on with you, you can reward kiss her for almost anything... in this case, the reward kiss isn’t really about rewarding her investment, it’s about using her investment as an excuse to break the kiss barrier and start giving her little kisses. Which she will like (if she’s horny and into you), and it won’t matter how big or small the compliance is.
I still suggest you do not full-on kiss her on the mouth in public unless you know what you’re doing. The kiss for good behavior is ambiguous enough that she doesn’t know for sure if you like her romantically or just as a friend. But it points in a good enough direction that she can get quite excited.
If you want to do full-on mouth kisses in public, make sure you’ve read my article on this (to not fall into the ‘public kisses trap’):
Follow the Leader
When you use the kiss for good behavior tactic right (as a reward for a sufficiently valuable piece of investment), many girls will start to kiss you on the cheek proactively themselves.
Some will do it once or twice after you’ve done it. Some will start to do it a lot. If you’re a little paranoid about ‘controlling the courtship’ this might freak you out: “It’s the same thing I’ve done to show approval, dominance, etc. over her... and now she’s doing it to ME!”
But don’t worry. If she only starts to do it after you have done it, it does not matter how she uses it, because however or whenever she uses it she does so in reaction to you.
You opened the floodgates. You gave her permission to start to kiss you. She would not have tried it until you broke the kiss barrier. But now that it’s broken, she feels liberated to do it.
When she starts to cheek kiss you herself, after you’ve opened
the floodgates, you’re in a good place.
Even if she kisses you after compliance at this point, her kisses only mean one thing: she is kissing you because she wants to kiss you. And this is good.
I hope you enjoy using this tactic. It’s a simple way to make your courtships more cooperative, more electric, and filled with sexual tension yet not the high wire act a courtship can become when there is tension but not enough sexuality or touch.
Chase
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