Tactics Tuesdays: Advanced Romantic Objection Handling with UNDER

Something a lot of guys are weak at is handling strong objections from women they like.

We can roughly break romantic objections down into several categories:

1. Token: otherwise known as 'weak protests'. You can typically ignore these altogether, or handle them any number of ways. These aren't serious protests, and she's more or less swayed to your way of seeing things already. You bring her close to kiss her, for instance, and she weakly protests, "But I'll get lipstick on you..."

2. Tentative: she might object; she isn't sure. She'll throw this objection out to see how you react. You're sneaking into somewhere off-limits with her, for example, and she whispers, "What if someone catches us?"

3. Standard: your run-of-the-mill objection. Not necessarily super hard, but not something you can always easily just brush aside either. Think "I don't go to guys' places on the first date" or "Shouldn't you date women closer to your own age?" There are already many guides on Girls Chase to dealing with standard objections (I'll link them up a little below). These aren't the subject of this post.

4. Strong: a firmly-held objection she's insistent on. You tell her, "Let's sit," and she says, "I told my friends I'd wait for them here." You invite her again and she just shakes her head and says, "I have to wait right here." You invite again and again she says, "I can't move from this spot, I promised I'd be here when they arrived." This kind of objection is our focus today.

5. Absolute: she walks away or blocks you. Absolutely nothing you can do when she can't hear you anymore!

Token you don't have to worry about, unless you're the most tentative beginner ever.

Tentative is easy to overcome with any kind of playful response or halfway conviction: "No one'll catch us, don't worry," or, "If anyone catches us I'll beat him up. Come on."

And absolute objections, well, nothing you can do there. You're not omnipotent. Can't talk to women who aren't around you and you have no way to contact. Women like this are just gone.

Standard and strong objections are the ones that trip a lot of guys up.

In today's article, we'll talk about handling strong.

 

Before You Assume It's Strong, Treat It as Standard

It'll often not be readily apparent at first how strong a woman's objection to something is.

She might say something that sounds like it's some silly bit of tentative objecting, and you'll respond that way, yet she'll hold to it. So you'll assume that's a standard objection. But then you'll use your standard objection-handling procedures, and she'll remain insistent.

This is the point where you discover an objection's strong.

What is a strong objection? A strong objection is any objection a woman holds to strongly because she really wants to do something, or not do something else.

Most objections you don't defeat by arguing directly against the objection. Most objections have underlying cords that bind and support the objection. If you attack the objection head-on, the woman feels like you don't understand her reasoning for objecting and dissimilarity begins to form between you and her.

Token and tentative objections have weak or no underlying cords. Sometimes they are simply thoughts that popped into her head ("Sneaking in... hey what if we get caught?"). When you handle these objections, you resolve the worry ("Oh, he likes lipstick marks, okay" "Okay, he says we won't get caught, it's in his hands then").

Standard objections you can often overcome by insisting in different ways, being playful, and undermining common underlying cords you know these objections have. e.g., if she's telling you she doesn't go to guys' places on the first date: "It's a good thing this isn't a date and we are just friends then. Come on!" or "I mean, we could go to your place too, I just thought mine was closer" or "Don't worry, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. We're just going to go and have a nightcap and that's it. Totally harmless."

Make sure you've read our several guides on objection handling to have the full set of tools on overcoming these:

• Secrets to Getting Girls: Addressing Women's Objections. Learn three (3) techniques to beat objections: the hard push, throwing objections back, and forcing decisions.

• 19 Common Ways Women Object to Men (and How to Beat These). "I don't think I can do that." "Will you [buy/do] something for me?" "Wouldn't you rather meet someone else?" You've probably heard many of these before. With this article, you'll know just how to respond.

• How to Smoothly Reframe Her Objections for a Better Date. When a woman objects, pace her reality... then lead her to the reframed reality you want her in.

• What If She Says No? How to respond when she objects to your compliance requests. Use this to get her back onto the compliance boat.

• Tactics Tuesdays: How to Force Frame Someone. Use this to break through many standard objection scenarios.

This is all extremely useful stuff for getting past most standard objections.

But when you run into a strong objection -- one a woman holds snugly to, and one bound by one or many underlying cords she's not revealed -- you can use all your best objection-handling techniques and they still won't work.

You're going to need something else.

 

Advanced Objection Handling

For handling strong romantic objections, we'll use my UNDER system.

UNDER focuses on digging up the hidden cords of a woman's objections... her underlying reasons, rationales, and fears. We want to know what these are, so we can either resolve them or (more often) step around them.

If you invite me to come to your party and I say no... and you respond by telling me it'll be a lot of fun because of such and such cool thing you have there and name some cool people I'll be interested to meet who'll be there and I still say no... why did I say no?

Obviously "it'll be fun" and "cool people will be there" aren't hitting my underlying cords. My reasons for saying no were NOT that I was worried it'd be dull or that the people there aren't cool.

You need to know what my reasons are. If my reasons are that I'm way behind on other work, or that I promised a girlfriend I'd see her that night and I hate to break promises, talking about it being fun or having cool people there won't work. You either need to urge me to go home and complete all my work right now so I can make tonight's party, or you need to tell me to bring my girlfriend along too and that you'll go out of your way to make her very comfortable there.

You can do this using the UNDER system for handling objections:

1. Unpack
2. Nail down
3. Discover
4. Enumerate
5. Reframe

Here's what each of these steps entails:

1. Unpack. Ask the question "Why?" Why can't I come to your party? Why won't she sit with you? Why doesn't she want to go out with you? Why won't she kiss you?

2. Nail down. Whatever her answer is, it's usually not going to be the ultimate one. So you need to nail her down. You need to tell her, "That's not the real reason. What is the REAL reason you don't want to?" If she says she doesn't want to kiss you because she just met you, for instance, tell her, "That's bullshit. I know you've kissed guys quickly before. What is the real reason you're so hesitant to kiss me?' When you nail her down, she will cut the nonsense and divulge her true underlying reasons to not do something ("I don't want to blow it with you" or "I'm just not feeling that spark")

3. Discover. Next, you want to walk her through imagining what would happen if she did do the thing she's objecting to doing. This does two things: one is that it gets her to imagine doing it, which removes some of her resistance to actually doing it. Two is it highlights the aspects of doing it she has a negative reaction to. So if for instance you tell her, "Okay, so imagine even though you don't feel a spark that you kissed me anyway. What would happen?" She'll answer with something like, "I don't know, nothing I guess."

4. Enumerate. Now list out one or two alternatives to the thing she's objected to. For instance: "Okay, well what would happen if instead of kiss me on my lips, you kissed my cheek?" "How about if I kissed your cheek?" Make your alternatives a step down in intensity from whatever thing she objected to, or something different entirely (that still moves the courtship forward).

5. Reframe. With your enumerated alternatives, get past her objections. With the no-kissing girl, you can say, "Okay, in that case, you are going to kiss my cheek, then I am going to kiss yours. Here." Then have her do it. What's that do for you? Now it's very easy for you to give her cheek kiss rewards or ask for cheek kisses yourself. And the more of these you do, as you continue the seduction, the more intimate things are going to feel to her, and the more she will warm to actually kissing you on the mouth.

UNDER works to bring up the underlying cords, and untangle them or get around them.

You can use it for any kind of strong objection.

For instance: let's say she insists on staying where she is to wait for her friends, instead of come to sit with you.

1. Unpack: "Why is it so important to wait for them here?"

2. Nail down: "Okay, because you told them you'd be here. But that's not the real reason; they'll easily be able to see you seated over there. What's the REAL reason you're glued to this spot?"

3. Discover: "Ah okay. Because you're afraid there won't be a good spot for your friends if you move. So what would happen if you moved and lost these spots?"

4. Enumerate: "What would you say if we sat now, and when your friends got here, if your spots weren't free I went up to whoever was there and asked them to make room for you?" "And what about if when your friends got here you just had them sit with us?"

5. Reframe: "All right, so here's the plan: you and me grab seats now. When your friends get here, they'll sit with us. Or if they really just want to stand we'll go over there and I'll get people to move so we can all stand over there. Cool? Let's go."

Here's an example during last minute resistance (the sudden surge in resistance you see from a previously-willing woman when it becomes obvious the two of you are about to get intimate):

1. Unpack: "Why do you think we shouldn't sleep together?"

2. Nail down: "Hmm, because you're afraid I won't respect you, huh. I think you know me well enough to know that's not true. There's got to be some underlying reason. Some real reason, deep under there, that's driving this."

3. Discover: "Okay. The last guy you went to bed with you slept with quick and he made you feel terrible. So what do you think if you and I sleep together quickly? You think I'll make you feel terrible?"

4. Enumerate: "What would happen if we made love. And then we stayed together tonight and we made love another time. And then we went to sleep, holding each other. And then in the middle of the night we both woke up and could not contain ourselves and we made love again. And then in the morning when we woke up we made more love. What would your feeling be about that?"

5. Reframe: "So here's what I'm going to do. I'm just going to continue to touch you, and kiss you, and undress you a little bit. And we don't have to make love, if you don't want to. We'll only do whatever we're both comfortable with."

You can use UNDER to tackle just about any strong objection and get through it with a fairly high degree of success.

Your delivery is important during this. You should be curious throughout it -- as if you are just asking these questions just to know. As if you have no expectations about her response (and you really shouldn't!), you just genuinely would like to understand her thinking.

By being curious and expectation-free, you allow her to relax into thinking about these things openly without trying to protect herself.

You should also of course be appropriately seductive when doing this. Obviously you will be more seductive during the LMR UNDER than you will be during the "Let's sit" UNDER.

Just keep the acronym handy:

1. Unpack
2. Nail down
3. Discover
4. Enumerate
5. Reframe

 

Do Not Use UNDER If...

It's not a strong objection!

Recall the phenomenon of cementing emotions.

If she only protests weakly to something, yet you treat it like a big deal protest and force her to examine her thinking and come up with rationale for why she feels that way, you're going to cement that in her mind. Then you force yourself to have to do all this extra digging and reframing just to get her past that.

Don't treat little objections like big ones... lest you turn them into big ones.

Save this for the really tough situations.

The ones where she hasn't walked away or blocked you yet, but you're going nowhere fast with this girl unless/until you handle this objection she's so insistent on.

 

What're Your Odds with UNDER?

Effective use of UNDER is actually reliant upon a few more advanced skills:

• You need to be able to stay meta enough to call out answers as not real answers

• You need to be outcome independent enough to not be putting expectations on her

• You need enough experience (or imagination) to propose alternate solutions that won't feel like you're just asking her to do the same thing she objected to

• You will usually also need a slight understanding of NLP or maintaining a calibrated vibe

Don't worry if you're not able to pull off UNDER as a beginner.

But for more advanced and higher intermediate guys who want to know how to deal with intractable objections they run into with girls, UNDER can be your go-to.

It's a good way to get under her objections... or go right around them.

To do so, you must know where the actual cords of her objections lead to, so you know what parts of the objection mine field to step around or dig up.

You can use our five-step process to do that, any time you want:

1. Unpack
2. Nail down
3. Discover
4. Enumerate
5. Reframe

Happy mind-changing :)

Chase