About 3 ½ years ago in Washington, D.C., I was getting frustrated because I was finding this consistent pattern of how I’d be telling girls all these amazing, fascinating things about myself, and they’d act bored or unimpressed and things would go nowhere and I’d lose them.
This kept happening, and anytime I see something happen again and again, I make the problem a priority to focus on and iron out, so I decided to try what at the time seemed like a radical strategy and one I didn’t really even think would work: I’d focus on telling women as little as possible about myself and just let them talk about themselves.
My first time doing this was on a date with a 21 year old fashion model from Texas who’d just moved to town. I’d met her very briefly on the subway a few nights before, and she knew nothing about me other than my name and that I lived in town, and had only given me her email address. I put together a rather elaborate process to get her on a date despite these facts, which perhaps I’ll go into in another post. She was unsure about me, and wanted to meet for coffee before heading to the comedy show I’d wanted to take her to go see, just to make sure I wasn’t a weirdo and that she liked me.
We sat at a Starbucks for about forty-five minutes, with her talking about herself, her friends, relationship problems her friends were having, and all manner of things, and me simply showing interest and doing some active listening, and saying nothing about myself and her asking me nothing about myself. When it got close to the time for the comedy show, I asked her if she wanted to go, and she replied with an enthusiastic “yes!” During the comedy show, I cracked a few jokes and got physically very close with her, and afterward I invited her home for a nightcap. We went straight home to my place and slept together.
She later told me that she didn’t date much and never had hook-ups or one-night stands.
Since then, just about all of my fast lays have followed suit. Just a few days ago in Manila, a 20 year old college mathwhiz-turned-party girl, tall and pretty who rolled within high society and dressed fashionably and prided herself on the fact that all her friends were wealthy and well-connected, went home with me around 17 or 18 minutes after I started talking to her. We slept together within about 45 minutes of first meeting, and all I’d told her at that point was my name (which she forgot), my favorite drink (Jack and Coke), and where in town I was staying. She’d asked me nothing else, and I’d told her nothing else. Nothing. And I spent the night and the next morning being intimate with her.
According to my host in Manila, who knew her a bit, she was rather conservative, had only recently lost her virginity, had resisted his talented natural buddy’s efforts to woo her, and that that night with me was most likely her first one-night stand.
The Counterintuitive Logic of Not Talking About You
At first, I was, oh, mildly bitter about this. Even after I shed my bitterness, it took me a long time to come to terms with how this really worked. The less a girl knows about you, I realized, the more likely she is to sleep with you quickly. The more she finds out about you, if it’s amazing, interesting, wonderful stuff she’s finding out, the more likely she is to slot you into the running as a potential boyfriend, and the less likely intimacy is to happen quickly – or, in fact, at all.
The more I think about it, the more reasons I realize why things shake out this way. But I’ll cut to the quick of it: when I talk with guys and I tell them this, I’ll often get some push back: but I want to feel like a girl’s getting to know me, they’ll say. I want to feel that connection. My response to that?
What do you want more – that some girl know you and care about you, or that some girl come home with you and shag your brains out?
Because that’s often what it comes down to. A girl who knows you too well is quite often not going to be willing to risk the connection she has with such a great guy on something as trifling as rapid intimacy. She saves that for guys she doesn’t know so well and doesn’t care so much about. If she knows you well, and you’re a half-decent guy, the fun and release of fast sex isn’t worth the risk it brings of losing you and your respect for her.
Again, in other words, because I really want to pound this point home: the more a girl gets to know you, the more your chances of getting intimate with her quickly go down.
Now, I recognize that’s directly opposite of the majority of what you’ll hear in the seduction community. Most of the seduction community’s “attraction” game is based on telling stories that display valuable traits about oneself, showing off high value characteristics, etc. I believe those are valuable skills to get down, but at some point you’re going to want to move beyond them – and sooner, rather than later.
Who’s cooler and sexier – the guy you ask what he does, and he tells you about his high flying job that takes him all over the world, or the guy you ask what he does, and he smiles a knowing smile, pauses a moment, and tells you, “I’m in business.” Yeah, that’s right – the second guy. The second guy is multitudes cooler. He is a super, ultra, wickedly sexy beast. The girl might ask him what kind of business he’s in, and he’ll reply with something like, “The kind where you make money. Haha, I’m kidding you… we just do some consulting for various companies on their business processes. Nothing terribly interesting. How about you, what do you do?”
The reason he comes across as so powerful and sexy is because he impresses without trying to impress. He’s following the Law of Least Effort to the tee and she’s just eating it up. Because getting girls interested in you and pursuing you and chasing after you isn’t about making a new friend or finding a confidant you can tell your innermost secrets to. It’s about finding ways to attract and intrigue and spellbind beautiful women and make them dream of being together with you. And, strange as it may seem, the best way to do that is to reveal as little about yourself as possible.
Ways to Keep Yourself Off-Topic
Not talking about yourself is a bit of an art. Most of us talk about ourselves non-stop, all the time with everyone. My growth in this particular area of seduction has followed an interesting synergistic curve; basically, as I’ve gotten better at deep dives and chase frames, I’ve found it easier and easier to avoid shining the conversational spotlight on me. And so will you, if you make working on those things a priority.
Here’s something very peculiar I’ve noticed: I’m told repeatedly by people that I’m extremely charming, magnetic, and engaging. But as I’ve gotten better and better at reading body language and facial expressions, I’ve begun realizing that the more time I spend talking, the more uncomfortable people get and the more they look like they want to get back to being the ones doing the talking. So I’ve focused somewhat on cramming enough interesting, important details into as short a conversational space as possible, then shutting up and putting the focus back on the other person.
Everything I say is geared to be interesting though, and that serves two functions:
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It makes people want to know more about me, and they will ask, if they feel the need to know more about me or don’t have anything to talk about on their own, and
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It makes people excited to share things about themselves that are in the same vein or similarly interesting if they have anything to share.
So, even back in the days when I used to have a corporate desk job, when women would ask me what I did, I’d tell them I was a writer and a traveler. Because it was true – I wrote, and I traveled. If the question of how I paid the bills came up, then I’d say I had a day job doing business consulting, but otherwise, the nature of my day job was moot. Being a business consulting is boring and average; being a writer and a traveler is exciting and mysterious. When women hear those things, they tend to ask more questions, or launch into trying to bond with you on commonalities (“No way, I love travel! Where’s your favorite place?”). Remember that it’s better to have women pushing for bonding and relating than it is for you to be doing it.
And the second part of that is putting the focus back on the girl. You don’t want the focus on you. If she’s very interested in you, she may keep putting the focus back on you – and that’s fine, and you’ll give her a short answer with an interesting fact or two, and put the spotlight back on her again. Sometimes you’ll get a back-and-forth where she tells you something about herself, then asks you about you, and you tell her something about yourself, then ask her about her, and that’s fantastic – you get this really quick build up of intensity where you’re both just fascinated with each other and wanting to get to know each other really quick. Other times, you’ll get into this dynamic where she might ask you a little about yourself, then you’ll put the spotlight back on her, and she’ll regale you with impressive tales of things in her life – and that’s also fantastic, she’s working hard to get you feeling impressed and excited by her.
The only scenario that we don’t want is the one where we spend all the time talking about ourselves. That’s how interactions go belly-up.
So, a couple of examples so you know what I’m talking about here:
Example of Back-and-Forth
Guy: How do you spend your time?
Girl: I’m an accountant and I work a few nights as a bartender downtown. What do you do?
Guy: Oh no way. I’m a writer and a traveler. Being a bartending accountant… wow, that’s cool. You’re like the sexy nerd with glasses who knows how to party, huh?
Girl: Haha, seriously. But wait, you’re a writer… oh my God, I write too! Like, what do you write?
Guy: Just some books and articles, mostly on leadership, getting the things you want out of life, that kind of stuff. I feel like most people never go for what they want and just float along, getting whatever comes their way instead of what they go out and put work in for.
Girl: Totally.
Guy: What do you write about?
Girl: Mostly just poems, nothing too impressive.
Guy: The fact that you write, account, and bartend all in the same week is impressive enough in its own right. I can already tell you’ve got to be a pretty dynamic person. You have to be, to keep up a pace like that.
Girl: Haha, some of my friends say that, yeah. So, like, your writing, do you have anything published?
Example of Girl Keeping the Focus on Herself
Girl: So because of that, I knew that I wanted to be a philosophy student.
Guy: Wow, that’s awesome. Now I know who to bring all my existential life questions to. Why’d you choose the school you’re going to – just a good school for that, all your friends are going there… what?
Girl: Well, actually… it was the only one I got into! Haha, don’t tell anyone!
Guy: My lips are sealed! They’d have to bribe it out of me with money, alcohol, and beautiful, lusty women.
Girl: Hahaha!
Guy: So you get into this school that says, okay fine, we’ll let this philosophy girl come here…
Girl: Hahaha…
Guy: Then what? Become a philosopher sitting in a cave somewhere thinking about forms and Plato’s Republic?
Girl: Wow, yeah, that’s a good question. I still haven’t figured out the answer to that one yet. Then what… hmm…
That’s generally how those two styles of conversation work. You’ll notice there’s more humor (at the girl’s expense, but nothing that’s cutting or insulting) in the second example; that’s because when the girl is mostly talking about herself, using a little humor helps things stay light / keeps the conversation from getting too heavy, and shows that even though you’re focused on her, you’re not afraid to give her a bit of a friendly ribbing at the same time.
You don’t want to overdo it with the humor – it’s just interspersed in there – because the real intent is to get her talking more about herself. The humor’s just there to make the conversation a bit more fun and make it easier for her to talk more about herself and make her laugh and feel rewarded for opening up.
In the former example, with the back-and-forth, you’ll notice how the guy only makes brief comments about himself, giving only short, concise, yet interesting details. Eventually what will happen with this conversation is that one of the parties will ask a question that the other goes into greater detail on. If they guy is doing a good job of that, it will almost always be the women who goes that route, discussing in detail something significant about her life that’s related to her dreams, ambitions, fears, hopes, etc. Check out the article on deep diving for a bit more on how to do that.
Differences Between Younger Women and Older Women
Older women tend to be more socially experienced, and will do a better job interrogating you about yourself. Younger women tend to be less socially experienced, and will tend to view you as higher status than them if you are skillfully managing a social interaction, and so will tend to fall into the more submissive position of simply answering your questions and seeking to impress you with information about themselves. Many guys mistakenly take this as a sign these women are not interested – that’s a mistake.
Just because a girl is not asking you about yourself does NOT mean she isn’t interested.
Again, that goes against seduction community dogma. But some of the fastest pick ups I’ve had have been with women who’ve asked me virtually nothing about myself. But when I asked these girls later when they first wanted me, it was usually when they first saw me, stood next to me, or sat down next to me.
The reason they didn’t bother asking anything was because their minds were already made up. They were just waiting for me to run through the process and get them out of there to go get intimate somewhere.
Parting Thoughts
This is one of those, “How deep does the rabbit hole go…” kind of deals, and I’ll try and write more on it in the future, and I’m feverishly revising How to Make Girls Chase to include as much of my latest thinking on this as possible before publishing (hopefully before New Year’s), and it’s going to be part of what Spellbinding focuses on when I put that out early next year, but this is an incredibly detailed aspect of seduction that’s incredibly under-talked about in the seduction community, I guess because almost no one does it, and those that do are natural at it who don’t know how to properly explain it.
I got into this trying to figure out how guys pulled off really fast pulls and slept with beautiful girls they’d just met quickly – girls who didn’t usually do that kind of thing or never had before – but no one could explain it to my satisfaction. It seemed like it should be easy, but the more I studied it, the more nuanced I realized it was. So, I’m excited to keep fleshing out theory and findings on this – it’s a super-fun topic. I was Mr. Relationship Management for a while – had a few people tell me I was in danger of becoming a Relationship Management guru – so now I want to take a step back from that and focus on discussing getting fast lays and making pick ups happen rapidly.
So, when you think about girls not needing to, really, know anything about you – indeed, when we woke up Friday morning, and I made love to that 20 year old high society girl again in Manila, keep in mind that she didn’t know my age, profession, where I was from, whether I was in college or employed or unemployed or independently wealthy or dirt poor and dead broke, she didn’t know if I had a girlfriend or a wife or I’d been single for years, and she didn’t even know my name; we’d talked for all of maybe 20 minutes the night before before leaving the bar, and only about the most rudimentary stuff – be rational about it and don’t take it personally.
For me, anyway, I used to be a little offended, and say to myself, “That’s it? I tell girls a lot about myself, and they won’t do anything with me, but I keep my mouth shut and they sleep with me not long after I’ve met them?”
But really, who’s more honest than the man who says nothing?
He does not tell a lie, he does not seek to impress, and he does not misrepresent himself. Because, for many women, heck, if I can be bold enough to say it, maybe even most women – they don’t really need to hear that much about you. A woman can get a better feel for the kind of man you are simply by watching how you are with her, how you react to the things she says, and how you lead her and move her and how confident with her you act.
That’s what true seduction is really about, and all the talk is just filler that slows things down at best, and gunks up the gears of the seduction and makes it all fall apart at worst.
So cut out the filler – talk about yourself less, and move things along more quickly. You might be surprised at what happens – I know I certainly was, back in 2007. Interesting experiment – even more interesting results.
Yours,
Chase Amante
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