How to Set Boundaries Other People Respect

If you want to be respected, you must set boundaries. But how do you set these, without looking reactive, defensive, or weak?

A former student of mine asked:

“Hey, Denton, how do you balance being grounded and not being affected by others while also not being weak, a pushover, or being seen as passive?”

How can you assert boundaries without appearing reactionary? When your girlfriend is acting up, you cannot possibly ignore her. If a guy is aggressively crossing the line, you cannot simply stand by. What is one to do?

These are great questions! And they are often a source of dilemma for many guys.

Well, I find the biggest misunderstanding is the huge difference between being grounded and being passive.

What Does It Mean to be Grounded?

Being grounded, for those of you who have not heard this term, is your ability to be in control of your emotions no matter what happens in your environment. It is having an ability to be so resolute in your reality that nothing shakes you. To illustrate, think of the way a wave crashes around a large boulder without it budging or showing any change. In the same way, when someone comes with a lackluster attitude, it does not affect your internal ecosystem. You do not waver. This is being grounded. When someone crosses the line with you, do you get emotional, or do you stay rooted?

But guys take “being grounded” as the golden rule that can and should never be broken. Being emotionally solid does help, but it is not necessary if emotion is the language that is needed in the moment; people will understand if your unaffected-cool-guy route simply will not accomplish what you need it to. The right use of emotion may even flesh out your character in their eyes. When it comes to your comfort and security, your boundaries come first.

Boundaries

Boundaries are simply your comfort zone. If someone does something around you that you do not like or find disrespectful, this can be crossing a boundary.

You draw boundaries with certain things to make your ecosystem comfortable and maybe to also benefit those around you. They are just a set of internal rules you feel in your gut that you must act on whenever you feel they are being trampled upon.

Where are Your Boundaries?

If you do not have any that you can think of, or if they feel flimsy as of yet, do not fret. Boundaries develop over time and get more defined as you go through more experiences.

Something I did back in my late teens was write down a list of things I would not tolerate from strangers, acquaintances, or even friends. As time goes on and your confidence and self-awareness grows, so will your sense of what you will and will not tolerate.

Be Willing to Cut Anyone Off

There is one big reason that certain people get trampled on constantly by their peers, why no one listens to them. Because at the end of the day, even if people do cross them, what are they going to do other than splutter angrily at their aggressors?

In the end, you have to be willing to leave those who do not treat you with respect. Your boundaries have to be bigger than anyone or any group. If someone or some group is crossing the line, even though you have made it clear that this is not ok, they have to go.

You’d be surprised how often mean words turn to sobs when this happens.

Oftentimes if I was dating someone and she crossed a boundary and refused to budge on it, I would simply stop talking to her. From there, either she would come back and apologize, or we would simply would not be together. This, to me, is the mark of a man with boundaries. Anyone can go, because you and your ecosystem are number one. If someone is a blight on your finite existence on Earth, then they got to go.

Different Strategies for Drawing Boundaries

What I have here is a list of strategies one should employ to give people a nudge in the right direction in terms of how they should treat you. It starts at the first strategy to be used, then progresses to the last resort.

1. Humor

   Whereas aggression is given with a snarl, this is given with a smirk. This is that quip that sends your aggravator reeling while simultaneously making him feel ashamed. This way is the best way to build respect and to doubly reaffirm your rules. For this, you have to be calm, positive, and relaxed. Quick wit is the best and the most viable way to put people in their place. Example:
   

   Him: Let me have some of that food. [reaches toward your plate]
   

   You: Dude. Were you raised in a cave or what is the deal? Get your own food!

   Him: [laughs] Sorry bro. I’ll grab my own.

   I personally have a plethora of canned lines I use for many situations, but when confronted with something new that you do not have experience hearing, the only way you will pull off humor is if you are in a relaxed state of mind where you are not taking the situation seriously. If you cannot do this, then drop to another tactic.

2. Controlled

   This is firmly and resolutely stating what you do not like. When doing this, eye contact and an unwavering tone is paramount. Simply tell the person what it is that you are not okay with, and leave it at that. Let them know you are serious, no goofy smirks or filler words. Be to the point, and let it hang. Do not follow up with anything. Hold the tension by waiting for the other person to speak first. Example:
   

   Girl: [gets a ping on her phone, starts typing on it mid-date]

   You: Hey. I don’t know how other people feel about it. But I find it disrespectful when I’m out with someone one-on-one and they start texting other people in the middle of us talking.

   Girl: Sorrrrrry! [puts her phone away] I’m an addict, I know! I won’t do it again!

   More times than not, the other person will apologize and you will tell them it is okay and they did not know, and you can go about your day.

3. The Look

   This is something you will oftentimes see women doing (you stepping out of line and her giving you a scathing look). If someone crosses a line and you are not in the mental state to either do a “humor” or a “controlled” boundary check, then the next best thing is a simple look. If anyone steps over a boundary, muster up the feeling you have from them crossing you, put it on your face, and look them in the eyes. They will catch your drift and most likely will know not to do it again.

4. Aggression

   What is the first image that pops up when you think of the idea of keeping to your guns? You probably are thinking of Conan the Barbarian running around and clubbing people when they get out of line. This is pretty close to this strategy. Though not necessarily violence, anger does play a vital role. Example:
   

   Him: [slaps you hard on the back for the umpteenth time]

   You: Look man, I told you to quit slapping me on the back. It’s not friendly the way you’re doing it, and it’s not cool. Cut it the hell out.

   Well, this is in fact the second-to-last strategy. This is not physical violence but clear anger with a strong sense of being wronged. Using this can not only make others around you respect you, it can quickly snap the wrongdoer back in line. This is where people have the misunderstanding about being grounded. Showing that you are angry does not necessarily make you less of a man; it instead shows people that you are a man with a wide range of emotions who can be highly expressive without feeling the need to filter himself. That is being masculine. Again, this is a last resort. Do not go off constantly blowing up at friends. If the anger is too frequent and not justified, you will just look like a jerk.

5. Cut a B*tch Out

   If all else fails, cut them out. If they have been told time and time again, or if they simply are not worth the time to correct, then just get rid of them. This goes for groups as well. If a group of individuals is crossing you consistently, it’s time to move on. Leave those people. You have to realize that your esteem and wellbeing are more important than some external person or group. There are seven billion people on Earth, so go talk to them. No need to get hung up on a few.

What you will find with this is oftentimes people will come back and apologize. A takeaway can be your best tool to gaining control.

The How to of Setting Boundaries

Setting a boundary is not some bravado tactic or confidence booster. It is a wall you erect so everyone knows where your comfort level is. You are not trying to attack anyone or harm anyone; it is simply for yourself. You are simply a man telling another person that what he is doing is not okay. You do this for your ecosystem, not to punish the other into submission. Try to be an understanding human being and not a tyrant.

Teaching Lessons to Strangers

Let us say some random guy walks by you on the street and makes a snarky comment about your clothing. What do you do? I will give you a moment….

Okay, some of you guys may have said “confront him” or “tell him off.” Others might have said to “make a joke of it.” Here is what I would do – nothing. My response would be “okay,” and I would keep walking.

“lol, okay bro”

Why would I be so passive about someone affronting me? Because he is not going to be consistent in my ecosystem, and he does not need to be fixed. Generally, someone who would take measures to hurt strangers are oftentimes the most hurt people of all and do not need any help adding to their pain, at least in my opinion.

However, if this person is going to be a constant in my ecosystem, let us say maybe a co-worker, friend, or girlfriend, then I will draw boundaries.

Proving Yourself Resolute

Now comes another topic: what if a stranger comes into your world and tries to shake you in front of someone in your immediate group, and the outcome could be lost respect among those who are significant in your life, for example, a girlfriend or a friend?

The first rule is that the offending person does not need to be acknowledged. The one(s) you are with just need to see that you are unaffected. You can give your friends a look, use humor amongst your people about the situation, or you can simply ignore it. If the offender pursues you further, he will look reactionary and try-hard. You win.

Three Month Challenge

Now, if you are not yet comfortable with setting boundaries and still find it difficult to speak up, then you need practice and a bit of belt loosening. For at least three months, make the active commitment to stand up for yourself, whether it be to a stranger, acquaintance, or even a friend. You have to teach yourself that it is okay to do something like this. You have to go in the opposite direction of your nature for a bit. Then once the three months are up, you can relax off of it. But once you need it, you will find the ability is there. There’s more on how to do that in Chase’s article on being an asshole here:

• How to Be an Asshole – and Become Adored by Women
  

Conclusion

Ultimately, drawing boundaries and being unaffected do not directly correlate to being masculine. You can express yourself. Try your best to keep your cool, but in the end, it is okay to let the mask of calm drop to express yourself if warranted.

If all else fails, there are way too many people on Earth to worry about a few. Go find others who will respect you. Do not feel scarcity in regards to people. Cut people out when they are out of line. Take a few months and build that muscle.

And with that being said, peace out!

Denton

---

READ NEXT: “How to Be Respected by Men and Women Alike”