The Beginner's Quick Start Guide to Picking Up Girls and Dating

This guide lays out the major stages and steps to focus on for anyone new to picking up girls and dating women. Use it to get up and running fast.

Most of the boot camps I’ve held in my career as a dating coach have been with guys who were fairly weathered in their journey to success with women. But last week I found myself coaching a fresh-to-the-game kind of guy. Going out with me was among the first times he had ever gone out to approach women. But I was so used to dealing with guys who had at least some inkling of what success with women meant that I found myself utterly at a loss for words when it came to coaching someone this new.

That experience inspired me to write this article, in which I seek to not only give better advice to my student, but to provide something for anyone who is looking to make seduction a part of their lives. It’s something to help you avoid some of the pitfalls that made people like myself stumble back when we were new to learned success with women.

What Brings Success with Women?

I do not deny the fact that looks and money matter. However, like any other learned skill, there are things that matter little and things that make up the larger portion of the pie in regards to overall success.

And I will say this. Looks and money matter, but being a verbally sharp, in-control, dominant, fun-loving guy adds more to your total than your physical attractiveness or whatever you have in your bank account. I have spent years doing this, racking up data with tens of thousands of approaches, and when I am in the zone, that’s when girls like me. When I am sad or down (say, after a bad breakup), girls will not touch me with a ten-foot pole.

And so comes the next question: “Yeah, but what happens if the guy with looks and money learns game?” Well, he would achieve much better success than before. Having muscles isn’t what makes you good at sports. Just because a guy is super tall doesn’t make him good at hoops; it helps, but without practice, you won’t find him in the NBA draft. You need to learn the game and practice hard to get truly good. And that goes for everyone.

My point: whatever you want to get out of this, I promise it can be done with enough hard work and intelligence.

My Clunky Journey

Nowadays I am classified by my friends as “extremely good with women,” and “good looking” by guys who don’t know the work I’ve put in. But it wasn’t always this way. Today I can say I have been cold approaching women for 7 years, being all-out obsessive about pushing my limits. But now that I am at this point, I look back knowing I could have pushed myself so much further. What I seek to do for you here is provide some guidelines to follow. And if you follow them, then 7 years from now, you can look at what I did in that time – and scoff.

The Stages to Game

As with anything, there will be levels of expertise. As you progress, the things you will focus on will shift and oftentimes narrow when something requires more focus. So I’ll briefly give you a rundown on what to expect on your journey.

Beginner

You’re going to be clueless. But that’s okay. You need to start to talk to women to remove the haze.

At this level, you wouldn’t know if a girl liked you if she were your own left hand. Everything is covered in obscurity. When starting out, it is good to know what you ultimately need to add to your game, but generally, you’ll need to approach a lot.

Intermediate

You’re getting dates now... though they aren’t always perfect and don’t always work out.

You are starting to get more attractive women with some level of regularity, but it still feels like a numbers game. Some guys are okay with this, but if you want more, then to reach the next level, you’ll need you to start taking more extensive notes and focus more intensely on hammering home your fundamentals, making them more second nature.

Start to make game plans on how you are going to get rid of the things holding you back and implement things that help your success.

Master

Women have become almost effortless for you.

By this point, you can read people. You can close girls with regularity. Women even somewhat throw themselves at you. You know all the right things to say, as you’ve been in almost every situation. You are smooth as butter. But to reach the next level, you’ll have to do something new. Something profound. You’ll need to become more and more yourself. Put away as much of the game as you can, and try to become a totally authentic you. Genuinely connecting with people is the new standard of game for you. Learn to really care about the women you talk to and bring out the real you.

This isn’t to say that being yourself as a beginner is a good idea. It’s not. What I’m talking about here is bringing out your authentic self ON TOP of the fundamentals you’ve developed to get past the intermediate level.

Grand Master

The toughest part at this point is the scheduling.

By this point, you have droves of hot women chasing you. The only problem you have is convincing women you genuinely like them. You are one hundred percent yourself. All the years of approaching women has refined you from a lump of coal into a spotless diamond, a man who doesn’t need an outer coating. Because you are awesome. When you think of games, you are not nearly as logical as you used to be; instead, you are guided by intuition and emotional mastery. This is where I want you to ultimately arrive.

Fundamentals

This is the big piece of the pie. Here is where you need to focus as a beginner and intermediate. Yes, I want you to dress well. Yes, I want your lifestyle to be on point. But when it comes to approaching anything (including women), there are fundamentals for doing so.

Following are some examples of what I mean by fundamentals. Focusing on these seven things will get you a higher percentage increase than focusing on anything else. Perfect these, and watch your results skyrocket.

#1: Eye Contact

Quite possibly the quickest fundamental to get right... with the biggest impact.

I am putting this one first because it’s the easiest to perfect. There is nothing that returns so much from giving so little. When you give a girl good eye contact, it shows a plethora of good signals. It’ll show her you are comfortable being social and talking to girls. It also signals that you are genuine and have no ulterior motives. What you say will come across as more sincere. It also shows that you believe you are on her level.

Now, if you can’t do this at first, no worries. Here are a few tricks to help out.

Firstly, make a note to give good eye contact to people you deal with as you go about your day, even with strangers who pass you by on the street. This may come across as weird to some people, but it will make it a lot easier when you are confronted with a gorgeous girl.

Another trick I’ll mention a few times before the end of this article is to visualize giving a girl great eye contact. Wait and see how much your results will soar.

#2: Being Witty

If she’s laughing with you, you’re in good shape with her.

Compared to eye contact, this one can be a bit harder to master. But as time goes on, you’ll find it easier and easier to get this under control. What you’ll typically hear from dating coaches is to avoid canned lines, and speak from the heart. I believe this is the most hypocritical piece of advice I have heard come from the community. My view? If you say something witty and you like it, write it down for later use.

On a second note, a lot of what makes a sharp tongue is the dual process of (1) not censoring your thoughts and (2) assuming everything you say is pure gold.

There are a few things you can do to get that silver tongue:

• As mentioned earlier, write down witty lines you have picked up.

• Do the “million dollar mouthpiece” exercise: talk to yourself as quickly as possible without pause for 5 to 10 minutes. If you pause, you lose. This will help you speak off the cuff.

• Attend improv classes. These will help you immensely.

#3: Slow, Controlled Voice

Don’t rush your conversation; be a joy to listen to, instead.

One of my biggest sticking points over the years has been slowing and controlling my speech. Oftentimes my brain moves too quickly, and to keep up, I have to speak fairly quickly. This is a terrible thing to do with women. It makes you look nervous.

So if you do this, here’s something that will help a lot. Spend a month or two talking at a snail’s pace. This will seem painful, but others will appreciate the change. And from there, it will eventually become second nature.

#4: Emotional Control

Women are attracted to men who will elevate their moods, rather than bring them down.

Controlling your emotions is of the utmost importance. Girls will not like you if you are depressed and sad. You must learn to reign in negative emotions and push for happiness and exuberance.

To do this, learn how your emotions work and tune in to your cognitive functioning. Take frequent and extensive notes on how your thoughts and moods fluctuate. Learn your triggers and what sets you off kilter.

Another great technique to use is mediation. Hard to be depressed about anything if you are present in the moment.

#5: Authentic Coolness

A cool man is a desired man.

This one is very much a fundamental. One of the more important, actually. However, until you can master your emotions and begin to become a genuinely cool guy, you may want to put this on the back burner till a bit later in your development, as knowing “what is cool” comes largely from learning more basic fundamentals.

That said, being authentically cool is huge. It is the difference between “feeling like you have to rush an interaction before a girl finds out you are a loser” and “knowing that the longer a girl hangs with you, the more head over heels she’ll fall for you.” As you start to become a cooler guy, start peeling away the pieces that are not you and let the genuine cool self come through. Watch what happens.

#6: Leading and Dominance

Women want you to take charge.

Get used to telling women what to do. This is one of the cornerstones of being a man. A girl wants a man who can take charge. Do not be afraid to take the lead in an interaction, whether it’s a conversation or a destination. This just takes a bit of practice, but once you see the positive results you garner by doing so, it will become as easy as breathing.

#7: Frame Control

No matter what a girl says or does, no matter how cute and adorable or brusk and trying, you must keep your cool.

This is simply the ability to not be shaken when a girl throws something your way – to be resolute when shit hits the fan. This takes time to develop, and honestly, the only way to perfect this is to get covered in dung time and time again. When it comes to this, as with most of the above, fake it till you make it. If you find that you can’t keep calm in an intense situation, pretend to be calm. With time it will come.

A Set Beginning to Close

Lastly, I want to include the basic framework of a set. A set is an interaction with a girl from beginning (the open) to close (the sex).

Here’s what to expect.

1. The Open

   All good openers have a few things in common. First, an attention getter. Because if a girl doesn’t know you are trying to talk to her, how can you make a connection? Intent, because if the girl doesn’t know you are into her, the conversation is hard to keep on the right track, and you can seem a bit deceitful if she only catches on to your “ploy” late in the conversation (and no, I do not believe in indirect game, and I have never seen it done well). Always be direct in some way, whether it’s by the words you say or the way you talk to her. She needs to know you are a sexual being; otherwise she’ll think of you as a friend.

2. Rapport

   During this stage, it is up to you to build what is called comfort and attraction. Comfort in that she sees you as a cool guy who won’t kill her the second you two are alone; attraction in that she’ll see you as a suitable guy who is worthy of sex. Get enough of both in equal amounts, and you got this down. If she has any friends, it is your job to make them feel at least as comfortable about you as she is. Why? Because if you do not, they will cockblock the hell out of you.

   At this point, use your discretion on deciding whether to close now or wait for a date. My advice, if you’re in a bar or night venue, push toward closing now. But if it’s during the day, lean toward trading phone numbers, but don’t discount the possibility of taking her home then and there. I have many friends who are very good at closing girls from day game. If you deem it good to go for a close, then we go on to the next step.

3. Isolation

   This means leading her somewhere isolated so you can close the deal. Getting a girl somewhere more secluded is not as easy as just asking. Girls are heavily slut-shamed in today’s society, so it is up to you to make everything seem as innocent as possible (i.e., you’re not just going off to smash). Make it look like it “just happened.” You can invite her over to play darts or maybe shoot pool if you have a pool table. Anything but “Want to come over for sex?!”

4. Close

   As a final point, guys often make the age-old mistake of thinking women get turned on the same way as men. This is not the case. Whereas men are turned on like a light switch (instantaneously), girls are turned on like a volume knob. Slowly. So don’t try to push it too hard too quickly. Come on nice and easy, and escalate little by little. Deal with her resistance, and when the time comes, make the move.

Conclusion

I hope this article serves to help you pick this stuff up more quickly than I did. All and all, go out a lot and focus on fundamentals over all else. You will go through stages, and it helps to know what stage you are in and what the next step will be, so pay attention. And when you approach girls, know that there are steps to this.

Women do not think like men. Guys throw themselves at them all the time, and a girl needs to know you aren’t just another guy or a serial killer or something – but that you’re cool. Give her time.

When things are in place, she’ll open up and be ready to take you on.

Good luck on your journey, and until next time, peace out.

Denton