Should You Regularly Ping Text Girls Who've Eluded Your Dates? | Girls Chase

Should You Regularly Ping Text Girls Who've Eluded Your Dates?

Chase Amante

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ping girls for dates
If she eludes your dates, it can feel tempting to ping her regularly to make sure she doesn’t forget you. Yet there are better follow-up strategies than this.

A reader writes in:

Chase,

First off, I really value your dating advice; it’s rooted in logic and psychology and that’s how I operate.  It resonates in a big way with me.

So my scenario/question...

There is this one girl.

I’ve known her for about 2 years, but we never hooked up because one of us has always been in a relationship.  I own an organic juice bar and she actually came into the store the other day.  Attraction was definitely strong and she extended her number to me.

We went on a date a few days later; local, food, drinks and just established rapport and comfort.  Of course my end game was to get intimate with her, but it didn’t happen.  I was sort of bummed.  No good night kiss?  I can’t remember the last time that happened.  After the date we texted and I asked if I could call her and I did.  We basically stayed on the phone for almost 2 hours, sort of continuing the date convo.

I asked her on the phone, “Why no kiss?”.  She mentioned that she is shy, that she is attracted to me, the fact that I was on antibiotics for strep throat (day 6) bothered her a bit.  We also talked about how she is a bit messed up from an ex and that recently, she was actually falling for someone hard and chased him but it didn’t work out because he doesn’t want a girlfriend.

I’ve been trying to set up date 2 but it hasn’t happened yet.  I’m just keeping the texts short, direct, nonchalant, non predictable non needy, etc.

I really think she is just hung up on this guy (the one she was recently intimate with and doesn’t want a girlfriend) and after some time I’ll be able to meet her again and put the moves on her.  I’m confident once we’re intimate she will be chasing me.

However, I am by no means not seeing other girls.  I always keep about 3-4 in the rotation so I’m not lonely on a Thursday, Friday, or Saturday night.

MY QUESTION – Texting is such low effort as is Instagram and DM and things of that nature.  Is it ok to use these methods once in awhile to keep a “girl in the loop”?  I feel that timing is everything sometimes and this may be a method to grab her attention at the most opportune time.  What are your thoughts on this?  I’m not sitting home pining over her.  I just feel like the end goal is so close within reach and don’t want to completely give up.  If this is a viable method for achieving my end goal what would you recommend?  Frequency, context, things of that nature?

Thanks you for you time!

This is a great question. You get some progress with a girl, it feels like it’s close, but then it doesn’t happen. She doesn’t come out on dates, but she still responds to your messages.

So the question is: do you ping her from time to time to see if she’s available and changed her mind? Or do you not? And if you do, how often?

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his One Date System.

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Comments

Motiv's picture

…just established rapport and comfort. Of course my end game was to get intimate with her, but it didn’t happen. I was sort of bummed.

I realize this article is about text pinging, but I think I spotted our commentator's real problem right here.

-M

She enters your world… not the other way around.
Tweak your way to the top ;)

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Good eyes, Mischief!

-C

Motiv's picture

Confirmation that I spotted something like this brings a huge smile to my face.

-M

P.S. “Fun really isn't something one considers when balancing the universe, but this does put a smile on my face.” —Thanos

She enters your world… not the other way around.
Tweak your way to the top ;)

HereNthere's picture

I had been meaning to make a forum post out of this for a long time. I have a situation that's sort of the reverse where it's the girl who keeps pinging me, yet she keeps evading dates.

Me go on a first date. It goes great. She agrees to a 2nd date, but at the last minute cancels but immediately counter offers for two days later. Okay, the counter offer means she's sincere and interested so I agree. 3 hours before the date, she texts to cancel because she says her TA (she's in grad school) just texted the whole class to assign them a paper that was due the next day.

"Okay, there is no way that that is a real thing," I say. Every single other person I've told the story, including people in grad school, say the same thing. A TA assigning surprise papers via text the night before they're due 16 hours later? I get another text from her, "Sorry, you must think I'm so full of shit." Well....yeah.

Normally I'd end it there, but if I really, really like a girl (which I did in this case; we got along great and really clicked when actually out together) then I will give her one mulligan for obvious female bullshit.

She says maybe next week, we make the date. We actually got out that time and have a great time and make out. 3rd date is made, another great time and even heavier parked car making out. She's busy with school for another week and a half, but finally a 4th date with heavy making out on the dance floor followed by sex back at her place (her place was a mess of open text books and papers everywhere, so she was honest about school (I still didn't believe the last minute paper texting though)). 5th date a couple days later with movie at her place and more sex. It's a week before Christmas and she even surprises me with wrapped present on the 5th date.

I casually mention that if she's not doing anything for New Years to give me a call. She hesitates, and then gives some non-answer. Okay, she thinks it's too soon for New Years Eve date. I can live with that.

A week and a half passes, Christmas and New Years have gone, I text her for a date. Hours later I get a reply that she's really busy with school and just doesn't "have time for dating right now". Ah ha. I know better than to whine or argue, so I just say school is important I'm glad I got to meet you good luck. Get the reply, "I mean I like spending time with you it's just things are so crazy right now I don't have time for dating. Maybe if things calm down we can do something again." Uh huh...but I just reply, "Sounds good let me know" and delete her number.

For the next FIVE MONTHS, she would text me every 1-5 weeks. Just the most inane crap: what she had for dinner, something about the football game she had on in the background while writing a paper, what some website had put up for April Fool's Day. Just a ton of "why are you telling me this?" crap. Never an offer to actually see each other. I tried arranging something the first couple of times, but got the "so busy with school" brushoff. Eventually I would reply with "sounds good", "great!", or "crazy". Eventually after that I sort of snapped and said, "Look this whole thing is weird. You're great to be around but if we're just going to be platonic text buddies I don't see what the point is." Not one word back.

5 months later. Get a "How are you doing?" text from her. Oh god not this again. I say I'm busy planning for a party I'm throwing in a few weeks (true). "Sounds fun! Is it open invite?" Now she wants to meet up? Rather than get into details I just throw her the Facebook invite page. No accepting the invite or any word from her. 3 days before the party I ask if she was planning on coming. No response. Just now, a day after the party, I get a big long text. "Sorry for not replying or coming to the party. I've been so sick I can't even keep water down I even had to miss my friend's 30th birthday party. How did the party go?"

I had long ago written off salvaging anything out of this, but just what the hell?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

HereNthere-

You can never be 100% with this sort of thing. But the read to me looks like she digs you but is unsure you feel the same way. Plus is also genuinely busy. But the "I am too busy to meet so let's keep talking over text" thing with a girl who's already been sexual with you and doesn't sound like she's seeing anyone else (or I mean, she could be, but sounds unlikely) sounds like she's just uncomfortable coming out and saying "I like you" but is also afraid to move too fast because she fears she'll get hurt.

I'd just call her up, talk to her on the phone, bond with her again, be flirty, and basically get into a "Hey, I like you. It's fun to talk to you. I miss hanging out with you. Wish you weren't so busy all the time," kind of vein and see what she does. She seems like the kind of girl to say she'll be busy for a while, then pop up a week later and tell you she's ready to meet up. e.g., initial high defenses, then lets it sink in and changes her mind.

Could also probably just have her come to the party and see if you can sleep with her again then. You've already bedded her on a few separate occasions; another two occasions within a week or so of each other should be enough to cement it into a regular thing.

Chase

JasonH's picture

Hey,
Usually I agree with Chase but have a different view this time. Mines a more pessimistic(perhaps realistic view?). Just from reading this I got the sense she initially wanted you in a boyfriend role, hence why she made you wait till the 4th date. Maybe there were logistical reasons why you couldn't have sex on the 2nd or 3rd date? The post sex behaviour is a bit weird though, usually girls would be blowing up your phone more(regardless of how busy they are).
The 5 months of odd txts following that sounds like she was keeping you in the background and she wasn't as excited as you'd want her to be. Especially when you're giving her opportunities to meet up but she's not taking them, it sounds like she just wants your attention or you submitted to a boyfriend frame too easy and she sort of lost that excitement. In my experience girls who like a guy/are excited about someone just don't display this behaviour.

As for the TA assigning surprise paper, yeah that doesn't happen. She probably had an assignment due that day but couldn't finish it before your guys date. Anyways it sounds like she's keeping you around in the background for attention, in case she runs out of other guys. It mostly sounds like excuses from her but it's good to know that you haven't been sucked into texting pointlessly. I feel like jealousy plotlines, talking about other girls you're dating (implying but not directly stating i.e be subtle about it) is the best way to re-ignite this fire if you want to. Best done over phone, with a mix banter and flirting, then set up a meet at your place and have sex.

Just my thoughts, best of luck.
Cheers,
Jason

Lawliet's picture

Hey Chase,

Great article! I didn't know there were other ways.

Re: Flirting
So I met a girl online, it's not a dating site, but i thought to take a chance to practice flirting.

So it got me curious. in terms of online, are there "windows" as do in person - "escalation windows" ?
where we do something in accordance to a time frame or etc.

Like your outline for approach article.
Like your outline for date or second date or compressed date article.
What about online?

Re: Improv and coming up with flirting material
I read your thread in the fourm on "How to make boring stuff fun by flirting"
Still working on that.

But times when I find to run out of flirting witty banter stuff.
What to do, especially when nonverbal isn't involved.

Any tips?

Also how in improv, we are to never say no, and always be playful.
However, when she says no, to a silly accusation "you're hiding", it's almost like we are thrown into the ocean with nothing to grab on. Question rings "Now what?"

Tips on dealing with "out of ammunitiion" moments in improv or other tricky encounters
would be great!

Re: I saw hector's "Do not tease over text if she likes you"
Does this mean when she texts you on her own? takes initiative and ask you what your name is (if online dating or something).

And more importantly, I thought cooperative teasing is fine. And isn't teasing a big part of flirting?
If this is stopped, then it sorta dies out doesn't it? That sexual romantic fun vibe...

Best,
Lawliet

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Lawliet-

Sure, there are windows with online too. General rule of thumb:

  • If she talks to you long enough to figure you out and find you predictable, you missed the window

  • Or if you don't get her contact info and get her to agree to a date before she burns out of the platform and stops logging in, you missed the window

So generally you will want to move fast. A few message, then go for contact info. On a non-dating site it could be more, since the competition is lower and she's less likely to hop off in a day or two.

On running out of stuff: try learning chase framing. Then you can just take whatever she's doing or talking about, mis/reinterpret it in a sexual light, and there you go.

Re: don't tease - if she likes you, don't tease. Just get her out. Whether she texts you first, you text her first, etc. The more she likes you, the simpler should be your texts. You're much more likely to lose points over text than you are to gain them with a girl who likes you. Just use text to get her out. Tease her in person.

Chase

Joseph P.'s picture

Since I've been hard at work, I make money. I've heard about all this pinging girls or dead leads. Good in theory, not so much in practice. I learned that pinging a girl that lost interest is a form of supplicating or proving that you're an electronic orbiter. Women love attention, they masturbate to instagram likes. They love compliments too, hence why I never do it unless we're close. Been 12 years since my last S.O., but complimenting a woman seems too beta and kiss-ass. Fast track to the friendzone by polishing her pedestal.

Online dating, there's a 1 strike rule. I work a lot, and don't have a lot of time to really go out and meet chicks. It helps my money if anything. If she's not with you, she's with another guy. Why else would she not return your messages?

In the case of me, I do send messages online. Yeah, I'm not Lebron James. What happens is either:

1. Me and a girl talk, till it's time to get the number, she goes ghost. A day later, no number still. She's deleted and blocked in lieu of being an attention whore.

2. Girl talks with me, we set up a date, no more returned texts or calls. Had one recently cancel a date. Deleted and blocked of course, she's likely seeing someone else. I told a recent girl that I was got with a new woman while she was being scared to see me. Yes, she's blocked and I deleted all her info.

3. Girl is taken, just looking for friends, hung up on her ex, emotionally unavailable. Deleted and blocked. I'm not playing therapist.

Erase and replace. I don't hang around. Men and women can't be just friends. Most men can't replace very easily, but they sure as hell can erase.

Luck and timing are everything. Uninterested chicks won't date you at all. Don't waste your time on them. Deleting a chick isn't giving up or beta, you moved on and won't waste time on attention seekers.

With dating girls, second place is first loser. Focus on coming in first from the beginning. When girls who rejected you come back, they want you for a beta role i.e. ego boost, social media likes, access to exclusive clubs, network connections, etc. Notice sex wasn't mentioned here.

If there's a disconnect with an online girl, you can say that you see her as incompatible/ it wouldn't work/ you're not compelled to see her over other prospects. Anything that both rejects her and shows you have options. Also, you're not desperate.

My weaknesses: I could sure use some online dating help, and help maintaining interest. Particularly after the first phone call and the first meeting. As you know, 2 unreturned calls/messages equals her being deleted.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Joseph-

Good thoughts here.

I have a guide to online you might get some value out of here. It's a little dated, but the general principles are the same:

If you're having girls slide after the first phone call, take a look at these and see if there's anything you can add to your repertoire:

If too many girls vanish after the first meet, you may want to tighten up your Day 1 game:

And if she doesn't respond, a few things you can do:

Chase

randomasian's picture

does this work the same way with girls you've already had sex with? I fear the girl is dodging my last 3 invitations because she found someone else better... so in this case I'll work on other girls and wait a few months

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Random Asian-

Yes, works the same.

Try phone calls if you haven't yet before you put her on the shelf. Sometimes it's attainability (e.g., she isn't sure you're really serious about seeing her), not that she found someone else.

Chase

Gus's picture

I would really appreciate your feedback to my story:

Co-workers with her (I was her team leader), she changed job.
I initiate texting with her with a good tease which made hee answering and finally asking how my team and the other ex teammates were doing..

I teased and flirted her, saying that all were pretty good except me who had my health deteriorating due to her absence

She texted "Hahaha" and commented that I was really amazing, I rock.... Didn't text back anything as I preferred to end it without danger to boring discussions.

After 4 days I send her a ping message with a photo of a sunny beach surrounded by beautiful trees.
Her:" Wowwww"
I teased her saying "Come on, can't imagine you are at the office working".
And fired "Take a break... Let's rendezvous sometime next week to have fun"
While I was texting my last daring phrase (via Viber the texting),
She answered "Yes!!!", "I'm in", "I'd like it very much"
Almost at the same moment I was ending my aforementioned invitation with the
"Come on, meet me or I won't get to try and kiss you"
Understand? She had probably answered positively before seeing my "kiss" ending.

To this she responded "Hahaha"

Your thoughts on this?

(We didn't texted eachother for the next 14 days to fix the rendezvous we had talked because I was out of the city for work. Yet, neither she texted to see about the rendezvous)

Anyway, after 14 days, at my birthday day she called me early in the morning to wish me. I was surprised as we hadn't talked to phone before and I thought she would just texted her wishes.

Because I was driving and was accompanied by co-workers, I had a short and rather typical conversation with her. Thanked her and that's it

(I don't know if that was her chance to re-initiate touch, so my birthday was her chance)

After 2 hours I texted her a hook
"I keep wondering..."
She: "About what?
Me:" What's gonna feel like when I kiss you"
Her:" What are these you're saying leaderara" (superlative of "leader", like "great leader" meaning)
Me:" I thought you were thinking about it!"
"Let's find out on Friday at 19 30"
"U r not opposed to an exciting rendezvous"

That's it. No response. No rendezvous. I have been thinking possible reasons...

Bad sexual escalation?... No good transition from her phone call to my sexual text?... What the "hahahas" really meant?... I'm sure I had the chance and had sparked kind of interest.....

Last element: On Thursday, one day before the suggested date I was at my company's party and posted at Facebook some photos with my teammates and some with beautiful ladies only.

To my surprise (I thought she would entirely stopped "like" my Facebook posts), she liked 2 photos with my teammates and not the ones which were me and other women.

I don't know if it means anything. I just mentioned it.

That's the story. I'm a little confused because I really liked her and was pretty sure I would get the date.

What's your thoughts?
Can any of the backup plans work?

Or is there any other insight I can't think of?

P.S. I'm married man and she knows it.

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