8 Red Flags She’s a Crazy Girl You Should Stay Away From | Girls Chase

8 Red Flags She’s a Crazy Girl You Should Stay Away From

Chase Amante

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crazy girlIn my article "Why I Quit Dating Girls Who Club, Party, or Drink", Balla asks the following questions about spotting a crazy girl (so that he might stay far, far away):

How do you know if a girl is crazy before its too late? What early signs do girls show you?

How do you know you if a girl is lying to you about not being a club girl? Say if you met her during the day?

Don't club girls run around during the day too? How do you know you're not picking up a club girl during the day?

Now, that's not to say that all girls who head to nightclubs every so often are crazy (although... most of them are at least somewhat more narcissistic women).

What we're talking about here when we say a girl is a "crazy girl" is that she is a woman who's more likely to be unstable in a relationship. That's it. She may function perfectly in every aspect of her life besides romantic / sexual relationships, but that's unimportant to us here for our purposes - this website is about selecting women as lovers and long-term partners, and we're most concerned with how those women are going to serve in those roles, how they'll affect us, and how stable (or not) they're going to be in that position.

To make some of these red flags easier to spot, I'm going to break them down into different red flags across three distinct categories, which may or may not be controversial for some people... and if so, well, them's the ropes. We're simply looking for the most useful tool here for making general predictions about the effects a given woman is going to have on your sanity as a man down the line in a relationship of any variety with her.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his One Date System.



Fox's picture

Hey Chase,

I've noticed you stress fundamentals in a lot of posts but I don't feel that "voice" has been covered enough.

I read the one article you have up on it and read about it in How To Make Girls Chase, but neither helped me because I still sound like I'm swallowing my words and forcing my voice deeper than it is to try to sound sexier, because my voice is naturally higher.

How does one get a sexy voice that girls go wild for?

Chase Amante's picture


Voice is one that it's quite hard to teach via words on a page - it's really best taught with examples. I recommend finding actors with voices you find appealing whom you'd like to emulate - Brad Pitt, Val Kilmer, George Clooney, Harrison Ford, Sean Connery all have voices with lots of sex appeal - and gradually repositioning your voice to sound more and more like whichever of them you select as your desired speaking voice.

You can spend a little time each day recording yourself on your computer - you can use Audacity, which is free, for this on a computer, and most laptops and smart phones / tablets have built in microphones - and playing it back so you can hear what you sound like (you'll probably be horrified at first, but keep working on it, and you'll see regular improvement).

Other than this, if you get stuck or REALLY want fast improvement - get a voice coach. You'll have to ask around a bit to find one who doesn't just work with singers, but who can actually help you train up your speaking voice (and not have it sound like a radio announcer's, which isn't quite what you want - just tell her you want her to make you sound like George Clooney), but once you find her, it's usually money well-spent for this kind of training.

I suppose you could ask a friend to help you train your voice up and you'll help him train his voice up if you're extra dedicated - this'd probably be just each of you taking a few hours a week and critiquing each other's speaking voices as you work on it and practicing speaking in your new voices in front of each other.


Lois's picture

I am a "normal" woman reading this page for insight on how to deal with a "crazy" female coworker.
Trust me, guys, normal is preferable to crazy, particularly if you want to build a stable life. Crazy girls will destroy your life. No amount of instant gratification is worth that. Worse, once you have had your fill of the crazy, the decent girls won't want you. Just like decent men don't want the town tramp, decent women don't want the male skeeze.

Like attracts like.

As for voices, men naturally have deeper voices. My boyfriend's voice drives me wild when he speaks calmly in his naturally deep authoritative male voice. It should sound natural, confident, and in control. He loses that charm when he gets excited and starts talking in all sorts of weird modulations as it makes him sound of of control.

For the perfect male voice -- just be confident, calm, authoritative and speak with integrity and kindness. Have a voice that inspires trust and respect -- something that makes the woman feel safe and protected, that her man is in charge.

As for office crazy girl, she's about to get her butt canned -- comes in, charming everyone, gossips about everyone, tries to set up coworkers on dates, sets up people for prat falls for laughs, betrays confidences, flings herself at every man (and woman) -- she's bi. She's sloppy, but fun, screws up her job, nearly got one guy arrested, lies pathologically, sabotages coworkers who don't give her the attention she feels she deserves...Still interested?

She's got a few men eating out of her hands.....The men who gravitate to her are all weak, insecure and view her as a fun, reassuring mother figure. The guys are fundamentally losers and milquetoast - no personality, life isn't working out for them....they have lots of personal problems they share with her as she eagerly listens and reassures them only to turn around and mock them behind their backs while they remain oblivious to her machinations.

You know who doesn't like crazy? The managers who are stable and run the place. The up and comer with an MBA who has confidence, enterprise, charisma, education, integrity....The nice guys with morals who are staples of the organization.

You pursue crazy at your peril.

crazyrichhooker's picture

The difference between you and us "crazy" gals is we are not submissive woosies that need sone wanker to be "authoritative" and whatnot. We dont want a dad. We are dominant women, often into bdsm domme sessions. This attracts submissive men. Some sub men are losers some are not. Ive met my share of successful men who are submissive behind closed doors. My suggestion for the coworker is quit feeling so smug and superior bc she will sense it. Show normal respect, maintain boundaries ie keep interaction to whats necessary only. Distanced politeness and her job performance will dictate whether she stays or leaves. I prefer to do escorting, its alot more lucrative and independent.

sb's picture

"Us" "crazy" are not all the same. Personally, and naturally, i'm submissive which all guys low-key like unless they're into the torture you're stating. Also i play nice girl and unleash the crazy girl a bit more down which they like. also am professional, but known as crazy but i get things done creativley which "nice" people lack lol. The first lady talking about the office gal sounds like the type of people that judge. life is more fun when you accept everyone. like the author stated we are all a bit crazy. in fact, the more normal you are the more unethical i find people to be (state of the earth, human rights, humanity) i find people to be. Just cold and selfish imo.

This is pure gold... the pure truth.. 's picture

Thank you so much for this I needed to hear this even though I thought all you said thru, hearing this made me convinced I did the right thing.

Troy's picture

Hey Chase,
You really hit it off with this article. I have had the same problem. I've read all the articles here over and over again. For a while now i wanted to start using the advice but my anxiety just got the best of me. It's time for me to change that though and follow my gut. :)
I really agree that probably most of your readers are not active enough or at all.
Today i have one issue that has come up with me lately. That is me being in conversations with both guys and girls and we just tend to have awkward silences or some weird conversation. You already covered the conversation part on here already. Right now my biggest problem is keeping conversations so im going to put the "100 hour rule" for that. What id like to know is how to deal with saying "goodbye". Many times it seems as if we dont know when to say goodbye and exit the conversation gracefully. So my question to you is, " How do i say goodbye to persons when a conversation has finished without it being awkward or insulting to the persons image and self-esteem? Saying goodbye is most times been not done appropriately. A post on this would be a boom to my success rate and other readers on the site. However, you can only help a lot and no more so the real work is for us readers to get out there then life changes. So thanks much for all your time and work to help. A post like this would be great when you can do it so we can gracefully end conversations. thanks!
Carpe Diem, Troy!

Chase Amante's picture


Wow, yeah... I haven't thought about this in years and years, but I do vaguely recall remembering that it felt awkward once trying to figure out the right time and way to bid someone goodbye.

A good way of doing this in bars and nightclubs is to just say, "All right, well, I'm going to go take a look around some - I'll check you later," and then head off. If you're in a department store, it's something more like, "Well, I've gotta go pick up these shoes for my roommate I promised him I'd pick up - hope the damn things aren't like really heavy boots or anything. It was awesome meeting you!"

If you're talking to a friend at a party, it can be something like, "Well, cool. I've got to go circulate some more and see what some of these other crazy cats are up to," or, "All right then - I'm going to go hit the couch to rest my feet and whisper sweet nothings into the ears of the beautiful women sitting over there."

The basic formula is:

Wrap up statement ("All right" "Well then" "Well, cool" "Okay then" "Well, I guess" "Time for me to"), then saying something you're going to go do ("Chat with some of these other party goers" "Go buy terrarium pebbles for my iguana" "Grab another one of those eclairs from the buffet table - goddamn, those things are good!"), then either say you'll run into the person a little later on (regardless of whether you plan to or not) or say it was cool meeting / chatting with them. Then skedaddle.


Anonymous's picture

So before the summer, this girl, I'm going to call her Girl A, and me had a thing. Right before summer, she started growing bored with me and losing interest. I chased because I was inexperienced and didn't know better. I stupidly confessed my feelings for her. So, right before the summer we agreed to stop for the summer come back and reassess our feelings. Over summer I hooked up with 7 different girls. One of those girls was her best friend, girl B. I hooked up with Girl B in order to make girl A jealous and make her think I was over her. Fast forward to the end of the summer. At the end of the summer, I held a party and invited 10 friends those two girls included. I promised Girl A and Girl B I would hook up with them, but I thought girl A didnt like me anymore. Girl A found out about me and girl B and flipped out. She was like, "Do you even really want me there" then she was like you told me you liked me where you lying. But she also texted me things like, "We were single then...but we arent Together" then I told her how it made sense for me to get over her and she was like Yes. but when o asked if I could hook up with Girl B since it looked like Girl A didnt want me she was like no I want to be with you. I was completely unprepared for this kind of assault. I thought I hurt her so I stupidly was like its ok I'll hook up with you there no biggy. She fell asleep talking to me on the phone and when I hung up she called me back. Then the party came and this kid came last minute. This kid didnt know I was going for girl A so he started poaching. I let him since I expected girl A to turn him down later and was doing this as an ego boost. Also, she told me two days before that she didn't like him. Also, I didn't want to chase her cuz before the summer I was too easy. She ended up hooking up with him and telling me that we are through. Did she want me to stop him? I thought I didn't need to cuz she told me she would hook up with me and told me she liked me. Also, that night after Girl A and the kid hooked up once, we got wasted and Girl A asked me to take a nap with her. So we start cuddling and I was with my friends so I didn't want to get rejected so I didn't try anything. I told her I missed her (I was drunk, invino veritus) and she was like I missed you too. I ended up passing out on her and every time the kid came to take her away she said no. Later, after I had passed out she hooked up with him twice. She told him that was they weren't ever hooking up again and made him promise not to tell how far they went(found out from a mutual friend). The next day I tried to hook up with her and she let me advance physically but her walls were up. She was on her iPhone and didnt put it down. When I tried to kiss her she was like I told you I don't want to kiss you anymore. Can you tell me everything I did wrong and what her real feelings are?

Chase Amante's picture


I'm inferring from the context here that when you're saying "hooking up" you're referring to kissing? (normally when I hear or use "hook up", it's referring to penetrative sex, although I remember there being a big debate when I was in high school about whether "hook up" meant kissing or sex) My normal advice would be if you kissed her but didn't have sex, you missed the escalation window, and she's lost respect for you as a sexual option.

But then... you sound young, and I'm not sure how relationships work in, say, high school (not my specialty - I was getting in fights and acting out and driving cars way too fast in high school, rather than spending time with girls like I should've been), so there may be different rules here, though I couldn't tell you what they are. It always seemed to me like it was mostly a free-for-all of random people kissing random people until they reached the age where they started having sex, and then relationships became more settled into boyfriend-girlfriend dynamics, but that was just based off of what I gathered from other students' communications.


Balla's picture

Thanks chase for another article man, I appreciate it. I have a question about your response about race and intelligence in the value article. You said being black is the best when it comes to getting women and I must say im shocked to hear this. I thought black would be one of the lowest because of how the media portrays us. I'm so shocked because where I'm at right now, it's mostly white guys with the girls and I mean all kinds of race's. I see black mostly with black about 90% of the time. I have my best luck with black girls compared to other races. Then you said blacks are considered more into the lover category because of their less smarts. It's like basically I'm thinking the opposite of what you say, and being black is the best for sleeping with girls, when I thought it was the hardest.

My questions are

1. Please tell me why blacks really have it the best, what do we have over other races?

2. How can we use are race to our advantage when going for girls of other races?

3. Do you have to act different for different races?

4. I remember reading before when you talk to white girls you want to show them you're intelligent, but then you said they find blacks more hunky because they assume they're less intelligent. Im lost ?

Thanks and Peace

Chase Amante's picture


From a pure "sex appeal" standpoint, blacks have it best, at least in the U.S. (and, I hear, in Scandinavia too, in a big way). Take black, white, Latin, and Asian men of about comparable physical attractiveness, line them all up in a row, and ask a diverse collection of women which man is sexiest, and the largest number of votes is probably going to go to the black guy.

From Educating African American Males: Voices from the Field, by Olatokunbo Fashola, here's a quick excerpt drawing from a variety of research papers on young black males' identities in school:

We do know that Black boys are both loved and loathed at school. They set the standards for hip-hop culture and athleticism while experiencing disproportionate levels of punishment and academic failure. This juxtaposition leads to a range of behaviors and strategies within school that set the tone for the overal problematic educational experience of Black boys (Sewell, 1997). The response of these boys to a context that defines them as both sexy and as sexually threatening is often problematic.

The advantage of being black is being seen as a sex symbol... the disadvantage is being seen as intimidating, or even dangerous or threatening or over-aggressive. Compare that to white or Asian, where you're seen as not all that intimidating, but not all that sexy. Black men who are good with women must remove the aspects about themselves that scare off women, leaving only the parts that excite them behind, while white and Asian men must add excitement that wasn't previously there to the mix. Of course, this is general, and stereotypical, but it's often true for a large segment of each of these populations.

As far as which race YOU do best with... a lot of this comes down to what kind of woman your style is best tailored to. I've known white guys who dated exclusively black or exclusively Asian women and couldn't get white girls to save their lives; and I've known white guys who only ever dated white girls and dreamed of someday getting a black or Asian girl. I've known black guys who only dated white or only dated Asian women, and I've known Latin guys who complained about how picky Latinas were but how welcoming white women were, and plenty of other Latin guys who complained about how picky white women were and how much they preferred the Latin women of their home countries.

There are some nuances among the different races - I know I've mentioned a few of these before, like coming across a little friendlier and smarter and more cleancut with a white girl than you would or might need to with a black girl, to remove some of the white girl's reservations about black men.

As far as "less smart = hunky", that's true, but you need the proper balance. The average black man has a stereotype in the media right now of "sexy thug", in which he has too oafish of an image, thanks to the results of Lyndon B. Johnson's housing projects / ghettos, gangsta rap, and the ravages of crack cocaine. When you have a black guy who wants to do well with white women, it's important that he strikes her as "not like those black guys on TV" and she instead gets a black guy who has all the sexiness of a black male, without the danger of the black guys from the hood she crosses the street to avoid when she sees them downtown. Humor, smarts, an easygoing demeanor, and sharp, cleancut clothes and facial hair and hairstyles really go a long way in bridging this gap - every black guy I've known who's done well with white women cleaned up in these areas, without sacrificing his sex appeal.


Blue's picture

I'm a white girl and let me tell you black men are absolutely sexy. I mean effortlessly by just being black. I always thought I find black people very attractive because I live in Italy and there are so few of them around and rare things get attention. But recently I went to Kenya... if anything I now think black men even more sexy! Tall and lean and black with their easy smiles and deep eyes and that deep voice... I think a black man with qualities like kindness and intelligence (which are more important than looks in anyone) will have girls fall for them really easily.

Balla's picture

One quick question, how do you not end up in boyfriend role/ friend role, when you have money, a nice career , and a nice house? I don't want to struggle in my life just to get laid.

Another question I have is about another comment I read, you said that when you're a beginner girls will put you in the boyfriend zone and friend zone, and there will be blow outs and girls will be disinterested In you if you try to do something out of that role. What do you recommend beginners to do when girls think of them in the bf zone/friend zone and will get disinterested if he moves fast?


Chase Amante's picture


See this article:

... although, one advantage you DO have as a black guy is that, while you're struggling with girls outside your race right now, once you can figure that out and become a smooth, charming, sexy man women adore, you'll find that a lot of white / Latina / Asian girls will view you as a "guilty pleasure" whom their parents would be upset about if they took home, and they'll be a lot more willing to have flings with you.

Conversely, the more attractive you become to girls outside your race, because of all the cleancut / not intimidating / sharply dressed changes you make, from what I've seen, the more black women will automatically start slotting you into "perfect husband" territory and go super slow with you, because good black husbands are in such short supply and when a black girl finds one, she's going to make sure she doesn't mess it up (this is probably the reason why the black guys I know who do the best with women almost never date black women... it's too hard to be cleancut, sharp, sexy, and disarming as a black man and not get instantly into a black woman's "future husband" box, so it's often a "Will I be sexy for black women and scary / uninteresting for other women, or will I be sexy for other women and husband material for black women?" choice in that regards).

If you are in the boyfriend zone, date compression is your very good friend - see this article:


Anonymous's picture

Hey Chase,
Yeah I am a junior in high school. Thank you because without this site I would have no game. I am just so confused about this whole situation. She is all over the place.

Trailblazers's picture

Hey chase, I'm still in high school and have tried to apply a lot of these articles to my life, they have all helped tremendously, but it's a little difficult in a sort of contained environment like school as there are only so many people you can talk to and I feel like that holds me back as I try to keep a good social status among other students. I usually play it safe, like flirting and teasing less often as I would outside of a classroom. It's like I'm too concerned about making mistakes or failing and so I try to take everything slow. I also feel like sometimes I just sit by passively trying to think too much instead of taking action. I have read the article on how to get dates in class but I still find it hard to get talking all the time. Do you have any advice on how to care less what other people think in a high school environment and to just do instead of get caught up in thinking about things? Thanks for any help and your website is the greatest thing on the internet

Chase Amante's picture


On high school, no - for me, that was a fishbowl of the greatest amount of crushing, stifling self-consciousness I've ever experienced in my life. If you can, I would STRONGLY suggest getting meeting new people - and especially cute girls - outside of school, as that's where I've seen the guys in high school on the discussion boards meeting women and doing most of their socializing, and I believe Alek mentioned that was what he did when he was in high school too.

I'd imagine that meeting people outside might also give you an outlet and show you that the world is much more than the box you're in at high school, and give you a bunch of new stories to tell there, too - when I was in high school, all of my craziest stories that would have crowds of other students gathered around me hanging on every word and laughing hard were about things that happened to me outside of school, usually at work or in the mall.


Anonymous's picture

I know that you have done articles on empathy and how to be a warm person but I was wondering if you could do an article on having elite body language and eye contact without making people feel inferior or uncomfortable. (mainly around other men and not making them feel weak).\


Chase Amante's picture


That's a good subject, and one that, yeah, I see guys who are new struggling with (too many inadvertent stare-downs with people or overly-imposing or exaggerated body language), and I can remember struggling to find the right balance between big and strong and assertive enough without going overboard and being cartoonish or being scary or intimidating.

I'll see what I can do.


Marty's picture

Hey Chase:

Nice article. I think that a crazy girl, or preferably several, is just what the doctor ordered for me right now... liven things up a bit. I'm gonna go seek a few out! ;-)


Chase Amante's picture


You should be in for some fun (and educational) experiences, then. Do enjoy them!


Crazy girl 's picture

Marty, crazy girls are unfortunately vulnerable to being used and abused by guys who are just looking for fun to 'liven things up'. This creates a cycle of the girl becoming even more crazy. You should tread lightly and consider her feelings before embarking on such a quest. Of course, if you treat her with respect and tell her your intentions to just have fun then that's fine and I wish you all the best!

From a self diagnosed Crazy Girl

Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase,

Guy here, and disconcertingly, I exhibit a lot of these 'signs' myself, to very high degrees. I also have an extremely unstable family background and a history of emotional difficulties.

As a guy, I feel like I should exhibit emotional stability. But.. how are you supposed to regulate your emotional behavior, beyond suppressing it?

Chase Amante's picture


That's a tough question, and it's not one I'm sure I have a perfect answer to. I've certainly learned to regulate my own emotions over the years, but, while they were at times overly dramatic while growing up, I was never as outrageously emotional as many of the "crazy" people I've known.

I think the best way of thinking about emotions is that they are responses to the unknown and the unexpected and the uncontrollable. The more something feels known, expected, and within your control, the lighter and scarcer your emotions are. The more in-control and predictable your life in general is, the less emotional you as a person are.

Suppressing your emotions is not the way you want to go, unless you're training yourself to be able to better control yourself in unexpected and unusual experiences... which is difficult. The easier path for emotional control, I think, is simply finding everything that generates unstable emotions in you, and getting enough exposure to the thing that your brain learns the patterns and you calm down and are less emotionally affected.

Training yourself to have a future orientation can help quite a bit here, too - as you take a progressively longer-term and bigger-picture view, the momentary ups and downs that cause explosive emotional reactions in your right now begin to seem less and less significant, and thus less and less worthy of an emotional response.

One good exercise that I like is every time I find myself having an overly-emotional response to something, I stop and ask myself either, "How important does this look to someone flying in an airplane 30,000 feet above where I am right now?" or, "How important am I going to rate this moment two years later from now?" These things very quickly snap you back into perspective - but you must be aware of your emotions, and you must be annoyed enough at being overly emotional that you stop and take the bird's eye view and ask yourself how significant the thing looks then.


Jason's picture

Hi Chase,

Thanks for your great response regarding your making friends article. I just have a quick follow up question. After reading your article about 2 years ago, I have made tremendous improvement in making friends and really really thank you for it. I am able to make friends a lot better now but my main trouble nowadays is that I have trouble with groups. It seems that in a group you always have to say the right thing because if you dont, your "value" wont take just one hit with one person but multiplied by however many people are there.

Do you have any suggestions or experiences you could share regarding how to navigate large groups or crowds of people or friends? It seems that in school, everyone always has a group and everyone seems to be saying the right thing. Thanks so much!

Chase Amante's picture


Best advice here is to stay relatively quiet until you figure out what the group is all about. When you're going to contribute, contribute with something that amplifies the emotions of the overall group - say, if everyone is talking about how formulaic Hollywood blockbusters have become, you'll want to talk about how you sat through XYZ blockbuster and literally were able to time when the moment had come to shift into the next storytelling block, or make a joke about how you're writing your own blockbuster, and it's "first, everything's idyllic; then, there's a big problem! then the hero comes to the rescue; but then, oh no, the hero stumbles and falls! but not to worry; in the end, the hero saves the day, the bad guy is beaten, and everybody walks out of the theater feeling warm and fuzzy. Pretty sure I'll make a lot of money; all those silly details like genre I'll figure out later." Conversely, you wouldn't say, "Well, to be fair, there are plenty of movies that DON'T follow Blake Snyder's screenwriting manual," nor would you start expounding on the nature of dramatic tension, because either of these are a buzz kill; one is calling on the group to abandon its emotional rant (which it is enjoying right now, and doesn't WANT to be called off of), while the other is too dry and not emotional enough for where the group is right now.

Think of groups of people as big, dumb emotional herds, and your role as to first observe the direction the herd is already heading in, then get to the head of the pack and appear to be the leader. Really all you're doing is riding the wave, but everybody else is going to look at that and think you've sure got a lot going on.

The other main functions in groups is as builder and facilitator; see "Bring the Energy: Being the Life of the Party" for more on that.


Gem's picture

Hey Chase

There was an article (or small paragraph or something) that I believe you or Ricardus had written in the past about like a girl who is in a healthy strong relationship how she knows that you even as a sexy lover type man (while she is attracted and may flirt back to a degree) can’t give her as much as all the time and good memories/past experiences that her boyfriend has provided her with. I think this was an article, it went further on in the article I believe elaborating that of the different types of girls this was the type that you should want to be in a relationship with and this is ideal for someone who is trying to seduce your girl.

Was hoping you could lead me to that article and elaborate about this phenomenon if you could. I just got back from the gym today and I had approached and spent part of my time with a girl I met. She was really attractive with a gym booty and well dressed nice chest the whole mess you know ;) .. and well I’ve been through many approaches, and as you know, there are approaches that you can say I did this wrong I did this right I need to improve on this, but today, I played all my cards right and was on my A game. I opened well, moved, screen qualified, built rapport, kino, everything to a T (felt like it had went so perfectly that there was little to nothing I could have done better with it all) and I feel like it was the phenomenon that you had discussed in the previous article that this girl, she mentioned her boyfriend, really had a good thing going. While I talked to her and kept true to law of least effort, it passed my mind a couple of times that yeah if it were my girl and she met the most attractive guy in the world (hypothetically, not saying that that’s me haha but was pushing my A game yes) this is how I would expect and be fine with her reacting, maybe be attracted and friendly back but not comply more (and basically how the girl treated me was in this manner: she was attracted to me but unconsciously loyal to my boyfriend, again like they had a really good thing going).

Something that I noticed was that while she did flirt back and was very attracted and our eyes flirted well, she would not converse or do too much from herself. When I would initiate she would do it back but it was like, from herself even though she was attracted there was a sort of invisible wall stopping me from getting through and as attractive as I tried to be and as many tricks as I tried (I tried a lot of things out of my book, she was attracted but not hooked you know) I couldn’t pass the barrier.

One last thing that I noticed was that she didn’t ask me many questions (almost any questions in fact, something very rare that I’ve seen); even though I had her do most of the talking and deep dived well (she’s a lawyer, and loves to work out, wants to help other people and be an honest lawyer and gets on with hard work more than smarts according to her) she didn’t ask questions back. She was listening to her music, and was into her workout and in a relationship and while she did move quickly it’s like she was attracted but not seeking to move things forward with, not interested.

Sound like a familiar story Chase? Maybe you could explain it better to me.

Thanks once again,


Chase Amante's picture


I'm not entirely sure, but I think you might be talking about the mention I made that no one (woman or man) is really in an endless race to find the BEST possible mate he or she can secure; rather, it is more of a race to first get an adequate idea of what the options are out there, then, having figured out what these are and about what one can get, select a mate who is as close to the top tier of what's achievable as one can.

If that is what you're thinking of, that sentiment is from the article "How to Prevent Cheating by Your Girlfriend", and here's an excerpt to possibly ring some bells:

Your girlfriend isn't looking for the PERFECT man. Trust me, she isn't. Somewhere out there on Planet Earth, there's a man better than you in every single way [...] But this guy's virtually no threat to you if you run your relationship right.

Why? Because of the level of effort involved in constantly changing partners.

Anyway, yeah, certainly - you will meet women (I've met plenty) who are clearly attracted to you, maybe even VERY attracted to you, but (usually because they are in a relationship) they seem to have the "move forward with this guy" option completely switched off. It might be possible to get somewhere with this girl in absolutely ideal circumstances, but it'd be pretty hard.

There are also times where women are acting flirty and attracted because that's just how they act with reasonably attractive men who approach them, even if they aren't especially interested; and it may be the case that while she wouldn't move forward with you, she might have with another guy, just like women who've advanced with you might have given a flirty but firm wall to some other guy who approached.

Ultimately, it boils down to "it's impossible to know for sure" what the deal is with any one given girl, simply because the only reference point you will ever have with any real certainty is your own; you know how she is with you, but not with the next guy who talks to her, or the guy after him, or the guy after him.

So, it could be that she's just switched off the "make progress with another man" switch (which some women do when in happy relationships, and a few women do even in unhappy ones), or it could be that she was flirty but you weren't the specific type she goes for... and there's not really a good way of every knowing with complete certainty which of these it actually is.


Flava's picture

Hey Chase, I have a few questions, mostly in regards to relationships & monogamy.

Having read a lot of what you have to say on the subject of monogamy and hearing what your personal beliefs are on the subject, I have to say things kind of hit home and I can safely say that I totally relate to the idea that the whole 'marriage thing' and placing monogamous relationships as the most important aspect of your life doesn't really make sense or even seem like a desirable way to live.

It's funny how social conventions kind of overtake the majority of people's minds and almost stop them from thinking about how they truly want to live their life, it's like these conventions are running through the heads of millions on auto pilot and there is nothing that they can do about it, but accept the fact 'I MUST get married and settle down' - but why?

To meet, get to know, share experiences, have fun and learn from many different girls and appreciate them all in their own little ways kind of makes more sense and that is definitely how I believe that I'd prefer to live my life.

The question I have though is, how easily is this lifestyle maintained, particularly as you get older (say into your late 40's and fifties). I mean doesn't it get to the point where meeting all these different girls becomes unlikely to achieve on a regular basis and your going to end up alone? I guess one good aspect of maintaining a monogamous relationship is that you will always have a partner with you, even if you hate each others guts... Come to think of it maybe I'd rather be alone ha.

Another question I have is in regards to testosterone. From what I have learnt, testosterone is essentially that chemical in us men which pushes and and leads us to seek out success, achievements and women. I have read a lot about how testosterone levels drop as we age, however the scientific data in regards to how this drop occurs etc etc seems a little bit inconsistent. For example many studies show that in men who stay active and healthy and continue to take care of themselves, testosterone levels do not seem to drop. These studies seem to come to the conclusion that low levels of testosterone are not to do with aging itself but rather lifestyle. Then threre are studies that just outright state that as you age testosterone levels drop by so and so percentage each year and that's that.

What is your understanding of this Chase? I see it as something very important to address as testosterone levels are one of the key elements to living and maintaining this lifestyle.

Another question I have (last one I promise) is, what are your views in regards to entering a relationship with a girl that you've met and truely do like in many ways, the kind of girl that you actually wouldn't mind spending a few solid years with. What are your views on short levels of monogamy with truely special


Chase Amante's picture


The general trend seems to be that Western men in their twenties and sometimes into their early or middle thirties cling to a "I will be single forever!" mantra, until they don't, and suddenly start yearning for a more settled relationship, families, etc. For most guys this seems to come like a bolt out of the sky, and usually the ones with the firmest original views have the most dramatic reversals. I've seen a lot of guys I knew who claimed they'd stay single forever start settling down and starting families over the past 3 or 4 years.

So, I'd say, don't worry about it too much. Be single while you want to be single; if and when you change your mind, it's easy enough to not be single - by then, if you've been making the rounds with women and working on not just abundance but absolute abundance and training yourself to get the kind of women who are your ideal, should you decide you want to take a break from the bachelor lifestyle for a short or long while, you'll find it none too challenging to select a woman who meets all your criteria to do this with.

As far as how long you CAN live a bachelor lifestyle stacked with abundant female options… if you've seen my pieces "Dating Younger Women: Does It Make You 'Dirty'?" and "Attracting and Dating Younger Women", I talked quite a bit about getting much younger women even into your 60s… provided you handle what you need to handle to continue to be standout and attractive as you age, you can maintain a "young man's" lifestyle well into your golden years… however, the question of motivation is the bigger one. What a man in his 20s wants and what a man in his 40s wants are usually very different things, and people often don't anticipate how much their wants, needs, and drives are going to change as they age and experience more of life.

Re: testosterone and aging, from what I've read, it seems to be largely based on activity levels and intrinsic motivation. One study found that married men who stopped seeking out or thinking about / planning for sleeping with new women saw marked drops in testosterone, while married men who continued to think about or pursue new lovers retained their pre-commitment testosterone levels - essentially, men who stayed on the prowl kept their motivation sharpened and ready for use. I haven't studied much about testosterone and aging directly, but I have seen several studies showing that "age-related" muscle loss actually comes from disuse rather than aging itself; men in their 70s who began a workout program put on muscle as rapidly as men in their 30s; they simply were weak and scrawny because they never used their muscles. I've seen similar studies on the brain, falling into disrepair from lack of use rather than age itself (although there is some slowing down of reaction times and a few other areas that seem to be inevitable results of aging); I would suspect that much of the testosterone drop you're seeing that's claimed to be "age-related" is similar to most of the muscle and cognition loss claimed as "age-related" too, and mostly the result of disuse and neglect. When you're retired, you're usually not trying to make a name for yourself, destroy the competition, pick up beautiful young girls, or anything else along those lines; most older men view accomplishments as something they've already tied up, and now is the time to relax and enjoy their twilight years, until the day that death comes a'callin'.

On short-term monogamy - ideally, I think this is best put off until you've achieved a level with women where you know you can easily get replacement awesome/amazing girlfriends almost at will, and are deep into absolute abundance; at that point, if you want to do monogamy, from everything I've seen of men with true, complete abundance, you'll be fine; if you stay together 10 years and then it breaks apart, you'll come out of it cracking your knuckles and saying, "All right - let's go meet some young cuties again." If you get into this before you reach that point, you'll likely experience a gradual decline in abundance and have some difficulty maintaing respect and control in the relationship long-term, and will see some reduction in success rates with women should your relationship come to an end after a year or more… but I realize that most guys aren't really going to stick to meeting girls until they reach perfect abundance, and that's probably fine; even if you see some atrophy in game skills and have a needy and/or emotional breakup as a result of not knowing emotionally whether you'll be able to replace a partner or not, you'll bounce back with a little time in field and end up being okay.

Sex and dating are ultimately about relationships, which are ultimately about reproduction, after all - at some point in your life, you almost certainly want to graduate from one to the next… almost all people do.


Jason's picture

Hi Chase
I have been reading a lot of stuff on here and man these are really cool stuff different from what I have seen from most of PUA out there. Really appreciate what you're doing. You've helped me tremendously in both life and getting girls. Anyway, I know you're a busy man, so I'll try to keep it short. I have been working on my fundamentals and haven't approach that many girls, but after finishing reading your '100 hours' and 'threat and opportunities' article, I think it's about time I invest more time on approaching. But since I live in a small to medium university student town, everytime I tried to do an approach, I can't help to get the feeling that the girl might be a friend of a friend of mine, and I end up not approaching because I think I might embarrass myself if the approach doesn't go well and ruin my reputation and I'm still at beginner stage....It begins to feel like a big social circle game, which I don't prefer. If I live in a big city, I won't have this kind of approach anxiety because I know I might lose the girl now if I don't approach, but since I live in a small town, I know there's a chance that I might see this girl again if I screw up. Any idea how I should deal with this kind of approach anxiety? Should I just go ahead and take my chances?
Thanks very much!

Chase Amante's picture


I can tell you that you will in fact get that feeling wherever you go. I've been in giant cities on the other side of the planet and had emotions kick in and say, "What if someone who works at my hotel watches me approach and thinks that all Americans are sleazy people only out to get laid? I could be singlehandedly undermining international relations and further tarnishing our already spotty reputation abroad!"

The only thing you can do is say, "Screw it; life's short; and if this really DOES create a problem, I'll deal with it when it happens. For now, I have some girls to go meet."


Anonymous's picture

Take note that women will not test two specific types of men:

Men they are 100% committed to being with, and
Men they are 100% not interested in.

Hey chase, you wrote the above in "When Women Test Men" and I was wondering, what does it look like exactly when a woman is NOT testing a guy, for example after he tries to kiss her.. what are things women will do in that scenario normally?

Chase Amante's picture


That's simple enough:

If she's not testing because she's 100% committed to being with you, anything and everything you try, she simply goes along with. These are the women you kiss, and they kiss you back; you take their shirts off, and they help you get them off; you unzip their jeans, and they push them off their bodies and take their panties off along with them.

If she's 100% not interested, nothing you try will fly, no matter how smooth or effective you are or it is. These are the women you never try to kiss, because they simply don't put themselves in position to kiss you; or, if they are very inexperienced in the ways of men and really are oblivious to what's going on (or you're super aggressive yet don't convey your intentions in any way beforehand), they will simply move out of the way of the kiss and excuse themselves and leave... just imagine how a straight, sociable (i.e., not an angry guy who likes punching people) man you'd just met and talked to a little while might react to you suddenly trying to kiss him - that's how a girl who's totally, completely uninterested in you will react too - a little surprised, a little amused, and probably going to wrap things up with you and get out of there ASAP.


Danny's picture

Hey Chase,

Unfortunately I'm unable to come up with a game plan for this upcoming date. Firstly we'll have to go in as a group of 4 or 5, Mostly because I am unable to pay (heh.) are there any suggestions to help me close on this date?

Chase Amante's picture


That's a tough one! I've honestly never taken a girl to a movie that I wasn't already in a relationship with, so I've no practical experience here to offer. That said, I had a friend who was quite good with women who claimed to do all kinds of things while watching movies simply by sitting next to a girl and gradually physically escalating with her throughout the course of the picture. So you might try just planting yourself near her and getting progressively more touchy with her in the dark, assuming she responds.

Closing is another matter... if no one's drinking there, it's going to be quite hard to pull her. Or do you mean just grab a phone number? If that's the case, I'd suggest peeling off and sitting with her at some point before or after the movie, getting into a quick conversation, and telling her the two of you should grab food sometime as SOON as you hit a high point, and grab a phone number immediately after - in these kinds of situations, you can only really count on getting one shot to connect with a girl well enough to propose a date and grab a number, so when you get that chance, move fast and make it count.


danny's picture

I was leaning more towards pulling and escalating physically thank you for the help

Dave's picture

I just wanted to concur with what the others are saying... I'm a high schooler as well, and it's hard to implement a sexy vibe when people you've been going to school with since kindergarten don't already see you that way. So many of you're principles basically make school just seem like seduction is impossible. Lately I've been trying to set up a. Social circle in which I'm pretty high status, but that still doesn't change their perspectives of me. An article or some research on loopholes (if there any) would be great; I need to get then seeing me in a new lightt in order to apply what you teach, aside from the most basic fundamentals.

Also, is be interested to know, say, the top 5 skills you would say are best to learn to kick start your value? I have a strong skill set, but they are very specialized and are only valuable in to a few people(e.g. no body cares if I play guitar if they're looking for somebody to date or hook up with; it's irrelevant.)

One last question: i am very introverted. Not shy at all, I just prefer to keep my thoughts to my self. When I join a group of people I don't know well, I feel like I have to offer some type of justification for being there, instead of just being present and relaxed and comfortable, but quiet, like I do in my regular social group. This is a huge stumbling block to my social life, because I want to connect with people and form strong alliances but I don't want to lose myself and make everyone think I'm a high energy chatty dude in order to do it. This goes against the Law of Least Effort, as well. Any advice on being accepted into a new social group that seems effortless and doesn't require me to be constantly talking? I try not to qualify myself, but I'd I'm just standing there awkwardly, not really contributing, it's really obvious and everyone thinks: why is he here? He's not a part of this group, never has before, what's he suddenly want? (this is the biggest handicap of high school seduction, and renders useless most techniques you would use elsewhere.)

Chase Amante's picture


I do have it down on our article queue that there's interest in an article on meeting girls in high school, IN your high school. That's not one where I have enough experience that I'd feel personally competent writing an article on that that wouldn't be heavily speculative (and, potentially false or misleading).

I did do an "image relaunch" in junior year of high school - for me, my first two years were spent establishing myself as a very independent character with a sharp wit and a unique style; towards the end of my second year I filtered it out to a few of the popular kids that I'd be launching "Chase Amante 2000" the next year, and within a few days the whole school knew and people were coming up to ask me about it constantly, but I wouldn't reveal what it was going to entail - just that it was going to be a complete new version of me. The only thing I'd admit was that I'd still have my sense of humor, but not be cracking quite so many jokes.

Then I just went out and worked hard to change my image over the summer at a new summer job: I got contacts, changed my hairstyle, got a leather coat, upgraded to a new briefcase that was cooler looking (backpacks were WAY too conformist for me), and bettered my social skills a bit - I started proactively asking people questions about their lives and greeting them and making eye contact, instead of never talking to anyone first who didn't talk to me first like I had before, etc. My image did change, for the better, I think; any time you come in LOOKING dramatically different, people will accept different behavior from you, too, and will test the new you out - if you hold to these, the changes will stick and their impression of you shifts.

Joining groups: yeah, I remember this always being quite awkward… when I relaunched my image, I started doing this, and I'd go up to people and say, "Mind if I join you?" I tried to mix it up and join different groups - sometimes the cool kids; sometimes the cool-ish stoners (I steered clear of the loser-y stoners, though they were always courting my attention, like everyone else); much of the time I'd still hang by myself, though. But yeah, you'd join a group, and they'd be talking about what happened at the party last weekend, or whatever, and all of them were there, and you were not, and plus you haven't been to a party since you were 8 years old… I never quite figured that out then, although I'm very good at joining friend groups NOW.

The most important thing I find is being able to relate to what the people involved are talking about - if they're talking about a party, ask, "Oh, how big was the party?" "Mostly just people from this school there, or folks from other schools too?" "That sounds like a blast." Then listen a while, then contribute some other way. DON'T talk about yourself unless asked.

Of course, that's after high school… dynamic may be different there (though I suspect not). Ask some questions, be casual and mildly interested but not over interested, then hang back and nod and smile a little and let everyone else talk. Occasionally interject to ask a few more questions or laugh at a joke someone's told or interject with, "That sounds like a good time," or, "Man, I'm amazed you survived that; sounds intense." If you're spreading value and good feelings to the group, they soon want to reciprocate and include you, and will start asking you questions, or even begin to extend you invites ("Hey, what do you do after school? Want to come with us to…?").

That's speculation for that environment, but I don't think there's too much risk of that being very far off the mark - maybe try it out.


V's picture

Hey chase, I have a few questions.
1. I carry goals with me but I still can't approach, what else do I need to do? It's like I just can't approach.

2. I looked at a website that had 40 teachers sleeping with their students, ages 13-18. I want to know why the hell are they doing it with little boys and risking their jobs? And what do I have to do to sleep with my teachers or bosses? Im not as young but I still would like to know how.

3. People really think im dumb or something and im starting to feel dumb, they treat me like im stupid. How can I change that and be smarter?

4. Im having a secret casual relationship with one of my co workers, what should I do to make this last for a while and make her feel good always? We only hang out in the house and I remember you saying that's all you should do in those relationships, how do I not let it get boring though? Thank you!!!!

Chase Amante's picture


At some point, you've just got to grab your balls and go do it. My first ever cold approach, in January 2005, was me saying, "Those girls are standing over there looking bored, and I HAVE to make three approaches on random women, and I'm months behind my start date. I'm going over there now… feet moving… here we go." Turned out I didn't even have to say anything; as soon as I reached them, they opened me and said "hi."

Who cares what your emotions say, or what YOU'RE going to say? Screw your emotions - start moving your feet, and figure it out when you get there. Getting the ball rolling is the most important part (and even if you get a solid rejection, you'll feel triumphant, for finally slaying the approach anxiety beast).

Teachers sleeping with students - I honestly have no idea. I've always wondered about that too. It might just be that these teachers' students are their lives, and they never meet men outside of school, or the boys in school are more charming and more familiar to them than anyone they meet out of school. There are boys who start quite young - high sex drives, unshakeable confidence, and they KNOW what they want. If I had crazy confidence at a young age, I know which one of MY teachers I'd have been propositioning.

Being thought of as dumb - mostly comes down to how you react to what people say, and the kind of comments you make. I had a reputation as the "super smart, witty guy" in school, and wanted to test out the alternative, so when I started a new job, I'd delay a few seconds after someone told me something, then give them a blank stare and say, "Huh?" or, "Oh - you mean like [repeat what they said]." Pretty soon everyone there was saying I was the dumbest person they knew. I dropped the act after half a year, which was really odd for many of them, who thought they were smarter than I was, then suddenly found me speaking more thoughtfully than they did. Focus on making your replies as nonverbal as possible; make strong, clear eye contact as soon as anyone tells you anything (give them a piercing look); use more nods for "Okay" and squint your eyes and turn your head for "Come again?" Replace words like "Huh?" or "What's that?" with elegant-sounding phrases like "Beg your pardon?" or "Mind repeating?" or "Could you rephrase that? I didn't catch it the first time." Little things like that dramatically change how people perceive you. Also, stay away from dumb jokes, and only make a joke if you can make it relatively clever. Make your language sound cultured and elegant and people will view you as being a sharp tack.

On the relationship with the coworker - give her great sex and a little fun conversation, and that's really all she'll need from you. Get her cooking for you for added bonus points - ask her to cook a meal for you, then give her great sex after… she'll come to love making you meals, and love having you over, even if that's all you ever do.


Miranda's picture

Yeah, i randomly came across this page when i was googling and clicked in bc i was curious. I found this amusing because the crazy girl sounded like me (except if he wanna hang out with his friends or whatever, then go ahead; it's cool i don't see what's up with the hype from your example; that's pretty extreme; i believe u should give a guy his space but there's all kinds of ppl/special cases but hey, that's just me). As for the normal girl, i have it in me too so it could go both ways? I think some of those 'crazy' girls you've encountered want you to change your ways if it gets on their nerves; for example being flaky/saying you're gonna do something and never do it made girls wait on you. Not only that, you're consistent in that kinda behavior that pisses people off and giving on and off attention playing games; like wth?? It'll only drive me nuts bc i tried acting cool on the exterior and address it subtly asking why and saying that it bothers me. Then the guy comes up with excuses, and i just go 'ah. i see...' and then he'll continues doing whatever, he wants w/o considering my feelings and wasn't there when you need someone close to be there with you. They're qualities one looks for in a close partner/relationship. It's really disappointing bc it gives you hope and even worse that person's not a bad guy bc you have your expectations. When i act 'crazy' aka, calm one day and not the next it's because when i'm with him i don't wanna ruin anything except live in the moment; wanna have a good time without ruining the atmosphere. But! i had my doubts, in bed wondering how he feels about me, where i stand in this 'it's complicated flirtation ship, and it gets frustrating when it's not exclusive. For me, i just want things to move forward and it doesn't bc the guy always have excuses and turning the tables on me? So how should i get it across and so the guy will change his behavior; I think when people care, they'll go out of their way bc the little things count to make the woman feel at ease and if it's a healthy relationship, she would reciprocate it back.
I read this blog because it was interesting, and since i can't really change other people other than addressing the issue, I was looking through articles to see what i can do on my part/fixing flaws/making myself a better person, and to see what i can contribute in a relationship. It really depends on the couple and see if they can tolerate/have similar values and can appreciate/respect one = whether or not they have chemistry together. Like they say "you see what you look for."
I have a question though, how can I find balance between 'craziness' and 'normal' to get my point across/be respected (meaning there's some kind of compromise/change) without me just tolerating the same kind of behavior that the partner seems unwilling to change and the issue/problem will only arise again; THEN at what appears to be like a random moment, it feels logical to get angry and my emotions take over; I'll be complaining about the same old, and will come across as crazy? lol what should i do??

Chase Amante's picture


One of the biggest problems that people have with relationships is going in trying to shape other people into what they want them to be. You'll see a lot of both men and women trying to get someone else to be more committed, OR to be more comfortable with an open, casual relationship and stop bugging them about all that commitment stuff. There is *some* tendency of men to occasionally settle down with a girl who sticks it out with them long enough, but most of the time, if a man is not reasonably serious about things at the outset, he's probably not going to change his mind and decide he's crazy about you later.

If you've ever had a casual relationship with a guy that you WANTED things to stay casual with, you can probably imagine what the likelihood was of you ever settling down into something committed with him if that guy decided he wanted commitment with you and starting pushing for that or asking you if the two of you were ever going to get serious… probably not very high, I'd imagine. It's the same going both ways.

I'd recommend not tempering your crazy side TOO much (except at school / work), because the more you temper it, the more you're going to attract men who are looking for a calmer, stabler woman, and the more you're going to feel pressured to contain yourself in that box and the more they're going to be displeased when your wild side breaks loose.

Conversely, if you're your natural self most of the time, you'll attract men who find that wild self compelling, appealing, and exciting, and they're going to tend to be better matches for you anyway because they WANT you to be a little crazy, and they like it.

Should you need to properly get a point across - this is one I've continually educated my "crazier" girlfriends on - the best way of doing this is by beginning with an, "I know you feel like / believe that / like to…" and communicate to your guy that you fully understand his position, then continue with, "… but I don't think that you understand that when you [X], it makes me CRAZY, because I can't stand [X] and I really need a more consistent [Y] to follow so I can have some certainty about what to expect with us. Can you dial down how much [X] you're doing and help me go crazy less?" It takes a little emotional control to do this (especially if you're fuming or about to burst), but try to do it before you start peaking emotionally, to head that off at the pass, and see how he reacts.

If you present a well-reasoned argument to him after communicating that you understand where he's coming from emotionally, and he doesn't respond with something equally thoughtful or considerate, you're probably safe to blow up or get crazy at him at that point, which may compel him to pay a bit more attention.

However, if he absolutely can't or won't bend, and it's a matter of great importance to you, it may be a situation of the two of you just want different things, and he's getting what he wants from you, but can't give you what you need from him, and you'd be better off finding someone else who can better provide you what you need.


The M's picture

Hi Chase,

I can't remember if it's been explained on here before, but could you say why it sometimes seems that most of the girls who are attracted to you are the ones that you're really NOT attracted to? Or maybe it's just me. :)

Also, is verbally disqualifying yourself as boyfriend material (e.g. "I'm too busy for a relationship right now") ever strictly necessary? Moving fast, limiting displayed value, and having a sexy vibe seem to communicate this much better - and besides if the action and vibe aren't there, the words won't mean much.

The M

P.S. Just a heads up on the search function: when I do a search, the articles appear in seemingly random order. By date would be better. :)

Chase Amante's picture


Thanks for the note on search - yeah, we need a better search function on here. At some point, we should probably jump on the Google bandwagon and get a Google site search enabled.

On girls you don't want wanting you - if you're newly adjusting to cold approach from having previously met women purely via social circle, this could be why; if you're good at showing value in social circle in ways that it's difficult to show quickly and easily among strangers (e.g., in high school, I easily had all the prettiest girls in school flirting with me and asking me out, because I stood out, everyone knew I was fiercely independent, and I had a razor sharp wit and probably the highest level of social dominance of anyone else in school, man-to-man; but when I started out in cold approach, all of these traits were invisible, and when my fashion sucked and I had a paunch and a fat face and a $12 haircut and poorly-fitting and cheap-looking clothes, I was all but invisible to many of the prettiest girls).

It can also just be the case that the girls on your level are playing harder to get and you aren't picking up on their signs, whereas the girls who are clearly below you are being much more assertive and aggressive with you because they know that's their only shot at potentially landing you.

You do eventually reach a level where most of the less attractive girls just give up hitting on you… but it doesn't go away entirely. I've been very aggressively propositioned a few times this year by women I would not be interested in even if I was extremely inebriated (well… never say never; alcohol works some real miracles sometimes).

As far as verbally disqualifying yourself as a boyfriend - it's only as necessary as your vibe (or lack of vibe) makes it. The better you get at conveying the information you need to convey with subtlety or, even better, nonverbally, the less you need to rely on outright stating things like this.


V's picture

Hey chase, it seems all of my life people enjoyed trying to take advantage of me and try to pick on me and bully me.

Some people have told me that im easy to pick on and for some reason I have that vibe that people just have to mess with me.

I fight back, but people keep on trying to bully me and pick on me no matter where I go.

So I talk crap back, I fight back, I try too be extra loud and rowdy, i try to be silent and stern, I try to have a mean face, I try to have a neutral face with no expression, I have big muscles and I'm tall.

I don't try hard, I just mind my own business and look tough on my own, people just love trying to bully me and pick on me.

I want to know how do I get rid of this vibe and invisible sign that says pick on me, off of me for good.

Please help me chase, Thank You!!!

Chase Amante's picture


That's one I can't quite say without seeing you, but if you combine s-l-o-w movements with a tough face and sharp, intelligent eye contact (look between people's eyes, and focus your eyes, don't let them be glazed over even though that's "easier"), that's usually cool and intimidating for both people.

Take every opportunity you get to work on the Law of Least Effort and sprezzatura. Become a tireless optimizer on these - learn to do everything constantly more relaxed, more effortlessly, more gracefully - and eventually you become so strong-looking, so cool, and so bad ass that nobody wants to insult you, or will be able to.

That said, there's probably SOMETHING about you or you're vibe that you're not picking up on that's subcommunicating to people that you are weak and make for easy prey. If you don't know what it is, there's no way I can tell you what it is over the Internet - it could be your voice, it could be your walk, it could be your movement speed, it could be you jerk your head around too fast, it could be you're too reactive to people, it could be you get upset too easily and that cracks people up, it could be anything. I would strongly suggest you sit down a bunch of people close to you, one-on-one (i.e., individually, not in a group), and tell them, "Hey, listen, I'm on a major self-improvement kick right now and I'm trying to upgrade everything about myself. But there's something or some THINGS I'm clearly not getting, because a lot of people are still picking on me, and that means I'm coming across weak or lame or stupid for some reason. I don't know if it's my voice, my walk, my facial expressions, my body language, or WHAT - maybe ALL of those things - but it would really help me out and be doing me a huge favor if you could tell me which of these are weird or need work so I can fix them. Could you tell me what needs fixing?"

The most important part of that little speech is listing out a bunch of things it COULD be - voice, walk, movements, I'm jerking my head around too much, I'm too sensitive, etc. - because only when people hear you list out things that you think might be wrong with you will they feel comfortable pointing things out themselves. Otherwise, they're going to try to protect your ego and won't give you any usable information.


Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase!

I have a really fast question for you. Usually there are girls I meet in a city and then a couple of days later I have to leave for months because of my consulting job. Usually I try to break all contact before the next time as you advise.

However, recently there is this girl I met who has been trying to reinitiate contact, either due to her need for validation that I still like her or just for attention purposes. Recently she added me on this chat application and only sent me an emoticon, ":)"

For this, would you usually reply or not? I am just afraid that if I dont, she may go into autorejection. However, if I do, it seems she will get her validation and her "chasing" will be brought down a notch. Thanks Chase!!!

Chase Amante's picture


I wouldn't respond to that. I have women who periodically send me pings on Skype / email / etc. with "Hey, what's up? =)" and little notes like that, which I always ignore these days. It only serves to make their desire to contact me burn even harder, and they're usually super responsive when I get back in contact.

One note: I leave all my chat apps on "invisible", and am almost never on them anyway - it's just too much of an unproductive time sink / distraction. When that's the case, the girl doesn't know if you got her note or not, so her responses have just disappeared into the ether. Even if she can see you though, I'd probably just not respond; she'll think you might be ignoring her, but won't know for sure, and when she hears back from you she'll be thrilled.


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