Tactics Tuesdays: Disqualifying Girls to Boost Attraction

One classic seduction tactic I’m surprised we’ve never written a devoted article on is the disqualifier. Given Alek Rolstad’s recent series on showing disinterest in girls (to get them chasing and raise attraction), I figured it was time to write one up.

A disqualifier is anything you use to disqualify either YOURSELF or THE GIRL. Disqualifiers have several use cases (such as simplifying the seduction by removing yourself from boyfriend contention). However, most of the time you will use them to slightly lower attainability in a playful, flirtatious way designed to make girls chase you.

Here’s a very simple example of a disqualifier you might use:

BLONDE GIRL: So what kind of girls do you like?

YOU: Mostly redheads but sometimes I go for brunettes.

By telling Ms. Blonde that you only go for redheads and “sometimes” brunettes, you implicitly disqualify her as a romantic option. If you read her right, and she was ripe for a disqualifier, she is going to start working harder to attract you – i.e., she is going to chase.

I’ll briefly discuss the psychology behind disqualification. Then we’ll talk about when and when not to use disqualifiers, plus give you some example disqualifications you can play around with on girls today.

 

Why Does Disqualifying Girls Make Them More Attracted?

Maybe it seems silly (or childish, even) that saying or implying a girl does not ‘qualify’ as a romantic option for you would make her want you MORE – but it (often) does.

Seduction is not a ‘serious’ affair. It is a playful one. That does not always mean you’ll be laughing and joking, but it does mean you will be teasing her in the purest sense of the word: tantalizing her, tempting her, offering her something attractive then seeming to withdraw it.

Some research I first quoted in One Date from Texas A&M University states:

In two studies, we examined the effect of different degrees of attraction reciprocation on ratings of attraction toward a potential romantic partner. Undergraduate college student participants imagined a potential romantic partner who reciprocated a low (reciprocating attraction one day a week), moderate (reciprocating attraction three days a week), high (reciprocating attraction five days a week), or unspecified degree of attraction (no mention of reciprocation). Participants then rated their degree of attraction toward the potential partner. The results of Study 1 provided only partial support for Brehm’s emotion intensity theory. However, after revising the high reciprocation condition vignette in Study 2, supporting Brehm’s emotion intensity theory, results show that a potential partners’ display of reciprocation of attraction acted as a deterrent to participants’ intensity of experienced attraction to the potential partner. The results support the notion that playing moderately hard to get elicits more intense feelings of attraction from potential suitors than playing too easy or too hard to get. Discussion of previous research examining playing hard to get is also re-examined through an emotion intensity theory theoretical lens.

In attainability-speak, what these researchers are saying is that the most attractive potential romantic partners to us are neither those who seem too hard to get (too unattainable) or too easy to get (too available), but rather just attainable enough.

We – men and women alike – are most smitten with those prospectives mates in the “Goldilocks zone” of attainability.

When you disqualify a woman, you lower your attainability. You tell her that you are not so easy to get as she thought before.

When you disqualify YOURSELF, like in the “telling girls you’re not boyfriend material” article, you actually do something different, selectively reducing your attainability for one role (in that case, the boyfriend/provider role) while leaving your attainability for other roles (such as the lover) untouched. Assuming you are desirable as a lover (let’s hope so!), it makes the decision for her simpler (“Okay, he’s out of the running as a boyfriend. But he’s still really cute and pretty sexy, so maybe we could hook up”).

In this article, though, we’re just focused on disqualifying girls to lower attainability and make them more attracted (so they chase you harder).

So what happens to a girl psychologically when you disqualify her?

Let’s use the example from the beginning of this article.

Let’s say you’re talking to a blonde-haired girl. At this point, you’ve had a nice conversation with a little flirtation but you get the sense she’s only mildly into you. Now, at this point, a lot of guys will worry about their value and how they can raise it, but if she’s interested enough to talk to you and flirt, value is not generally going to be a huge problem. You need to screw with attainability a bit.

So, as you talk to her about romantic preferences, this occurs:

BLONDE GIRL: So what kind of girls do you like?

YOU: Mostly redheads but sometimes I go for brunettes.

What transpires in her head?

Well, before she may have thought, “This is just another guy. He probably likes me.”

But now you’ve given her some doubts. Do you REALLY only date redheads and brunettes? Does that mean you are NOT attracted to her? Or were you just joking? Do you only view her in a platonic light?

Even if she was leaning toward viewing you in a platonic light, it still feels like a little bit of an insult to find out that you may view her without romantic or sexual interest. She’s a woman. Men are SUPPOSED to want her! You mean you really don’t want her because of her hair? But blonde girls have more fun!

Depending on her personality there’s a few ways she can react to this.

• She may get defiant and try to disqualify you back: “Well I only date guys who are [opposite of you].” Sometimes this is playful but sometimes it’s auto-rejection (more on that later).

• She may start to test you to see if you really mean it: “Oh, so you REALLY don’t like blondes?” she says as she whips her blonde hair around and ‘accidentally’ hits you in the face with it… to see if you react, get shaken, and start to chase her.

• She may try to call your bluff: “Oh come on. You like blondes too,” she says. “Admit it!” (you have to be careful here, because if you ‘stick to your guns’ you’ll make her auto-reject. Instead, just give a non-answer, deflect, and change the topic – answer this question like a politician)

• Or she may just start chasing: arguably the most common response. She decides that since you do not usually go for blondes, she is simply going to have to make you work harder to let you see what you are missing out on – and of course, the more she invests into you and the seduction, the more attracted she becomes.

No matter how she reacts, she becomes MORE emotionally involved in the seduction and MORE concerned with how you see her.

She values your opinion more. She longs for your approval more.

And you wrap this girl more and more around your little finger!

 

When to Disqualify a Girl (and When NOT To)

The most usual time to disqualify a girl is when she is insufficiently interested in you.

You can do this with girls who are only moderately interested in you.

You can even do it with girls who do not appear to be interested in you AT ALL.

Disqualification is one of the very few techniques (social proof and preselection are others) that can work to attract women who are WHOLLY disinterested in you at the outset.

(typically for a wholly disinterested girl you will need other people willing to go along with your routine, so you can make disqualifying remarks ABOUT the disinterested girl as you laugh along and joke with her friends or other people in earshot of her, which forces her to listen to your disqualifications but doesn’t give her the chance to shoot you down or shoo you away. That’s an advanced strategy though and we’re not going to talk about it here. If guys are really interested, maybe I’ll write it out as an article or add it as a fifth bonus to Lush Teases, my upcoming “how to tease a girl” training program. If you’d be interested in using disqualifiers to rope in totally disinterested girls, let me know in the comments and I’ll consider putting that together)

Another time it is useful to disqualify a girl is when she is behaving too uppity and resisting yielding the frame to you too hard.

Here’s a quick (though not comprehensive) list of occasions for using disqualifiers:

1. When a girl is engaging with you but not acting especially interested in you.

2. When you’re talking to a girl but she is refusing to yield the lead to you.

3. When a girl is testing you heavily and seemingly non-stop.

4. When you want to challenge a girl to move into a specific frame you want to set.

5. When you want to inspire specific chasing behavior from a girl.

I’ll give you examples for each of these in just a moment (to move them out of the abstract and into the concrete), not to worry.

Before I do though, let’s talk real quick about times you should NOT use disqualifiers – or else be very careful about using them.

 

When NOT to Use Disqualifiers

You should be very careful using disqualifiers when girls are behaving well and compliant.

Don’t punish good behavior. Disqualification is a form of mild punishment. It is also possible to make it a strong punishment. You do not want to use it when girls are behaving well.

That means if she is:

• Going along with whatever you ask her to do,

• Actively qualifying herself to you and passing your screens,

• Investing in you actively when you ask her to comply or on her own (auto-investing)

… then in that case do not disqualify her!

If she’s going along with everything you ask, super compliant with you, and bending over backwards to qualify herself to you, and then this happens:

BLONDE GIRL: So what kind of girls do you like?

YOU: Mostly redheads but sometimes I go for brunettes.

… the feeling she is going to have is that the two of you are really not on the same page at all, not synced up, you are too dissimilar, none of her efforts to move the courtship forward are working, and as such she is going to start to pull back on her efforts and interest.

(if a very compliant, qualifying girl asks you what kind of girls you like, you can just describe HER, without saying it is her. e.g., let’s say she’s a blonde with a spunky personality wearing a pair of cowgirl boots, you’d say, “Well, just personally, I have a thing for spunky blondes in cowgirl boots.” That way, instead of punish a compliant girl with a disqualifier, you reward her good behavior by implying that yes, she qualifies as your type – all without coming out and directly saying “I am into you”!)

Also be very careful disqualifying her if she seems shy or reserved. Shy and reserved girls may resist compliance out of fear; if you disqualify them for this, it can wreck your attainability.

The big problem with disqualifiers misused is that they can send girls into auto-rejection.

If she already likes you, and is already complying with you, chances are your attainability is already in the attainability Goldilocks zone.

Using disqualifiers here risks pushing attainability down into ‘unattainable’ land, which can cost you the girl.

If she’s complying, investing, and qualifying, be careful with disqualifiers – or simply do not use them at all.

 

Disqualifying Girls: Examples

Let’s give you some example disqualifiers you can use with girls.

Just above, I listed out five (5) typical scenarios you’ll want to disqualify a woman in:

1. When a girl is engaging with you but not acting especially interested in you.

2. When you’re talking to a girl but she is refusing to yield the lead to you.

3. When a girl is testing you heavily and seemingly non-stop.

4. When you want to challenge a girl to move into a specific frame you want to set.

5. When you want to inspire specific chasing behavior from a girl.

I’ll give you two examples for each of these scenarios, for a total of ten examples.

Let’s go.

 

#1: Girl Is Engaged But Not Especially Interested

EXAMPLE 1.1: you’re talking to a brunette in a bar who keeps looking around to check on what her friends are doing. She’s answering you, but only halfway into the conversation.

YOU: What’re you, going to school at Nearby University?

HER: Yeah. I’m a psych major.

YOU: My ex-girlfriend was a psych major. Never again. It always ends up being the psych major who needs support and therapy from the partner instead of the other way around!

If the disqualifier hits, she’ll laugh, probably tell you that is not true (qualifying herself) or ask you questions about your ex (showing interest.

EXAMPLE 1.2: you’ve met a girl in a coffee shop but she keeps checking her phone and has one foot in and one foot out of her conversation with you.

YOU: You’re not one of those girls who lives her life through her phone, are you?

HER: [laughs] My phone is my life. I can’t live without it.

YOU: You and I can never be friends then. You’d be constantly tagging me in photos even though I’m not on social media. Then I’d have to create an account and log on to untag myself. Too much work.

If it hits, she’ll ask you if you’re really not on social media, then ask you why not (showing interest) or may qualify herself as “actually I’m not really on it THAT much.” She may even start listing out things she does in the real (offline) world.

 

#2: Girl Refuses to Yield the Lead to You

EXAMPLE 2.1: you’re hanging out with a girl in a nightclub who simply will not comply with your requests to go anywhere.

YOU: C’mon, let’s go get some drinks!

HER: Noooo! I want to stay near the dance floor!

YOU: Oh my GOD, WHY am I talking to you? You’re probably one of those girls who when she’s in a relationship drags her boyfriend to the club every weekend and makes him dance with her all night.

If the disqualifier hits, she will tell you no, she wouldn’t do that. You can then wait two more minutes and then propose drinks again and she will likely comply.

(if the disqualifier fails to move her, you’ll probably get a “Haha, I have totally done that!” and she will still resist yielding the lead to you the next time you try)

EXAMPLE 2.2: you’re sitting with a girl on the sofa at your place, but she’s skittish and staying a little too far from you on the couch. You tell her to move closer to you but she just shakes her head.

YOU: Sheesh, who put this forcefield between us? I’m going to take you back to the store and get one of the versions without the forcefield!

This is a very light disqualifier, because she is probably just nervous, and we don’t want to disqualify her too hard. So it is simply a little light disqualification.

If it hits, she will laugh, then hopefully scoot a little closer to you – or allow you to scoot closer to her.

 

#3: Girl Is Testing You Heavily or Non-Stop

EXAMPLE 3.1: you’re talking to a girl who thinks she is funny and is busting on you constantly.

HER: So is that the best beard you are able to grow? You’re missing some hair on your cheeks!

YOU: I guess I just didn’t get enough testosterone in the womb!

HER: Doesn’t that mean you have a little dick then too? Haha!

YOU: Do you have like a cool friend I can switch you out for? Maybe one who isn’t trying to win the joker-of-the-year award?

If your disqualification hits, she will either apologize and tone it down, or else she will qualify you or explain herself (“Sorry, I joke around too much when I like someone”).

EXAMPLE 3.2: you’re talking to a girl who tests you on literally everything you say.

YOU: I like snowboarding.

HER: Do you actually like snowboarding or have you done it like three times? A lot of guys I talk to who say they like this or that haven’t actually really even done it that much.

YOU: Yes, I’ve gone snowboarding more than three times. Have YOU ever gone?

HER: No, but I’m not the one who said he liked snowboarding.

YOU: Yeah okay. Well what are your hobbies?

HER: I don’t know. Do I need to have hobbies to be interesting?

YOU: Am I auditioning to be in the CIA or something? Do you challenge everyone like this or just the guys you really hate?

This is a bit of an indirect disqualifier here – you aren’t saying you don’t like her, but more implying that she is roasting you because she does not like you. So you’re sort of disqualifying yourself, but only because in this situation we only have her personality to go off of so far, and you DON’T want to disqualify girls on their personalities in any kind of negative or judgmental way (i.e., disqualifying her as ‘too negative’ is a very risky disqualifier. On some girls it will work; on others, they will auto-reject, no matter how much they might ‘deserve’ such a label!).

 

#4: Challenging a Girl to Move Into Your Frame

EXAMPLE 4.1: you’re taking a walk outside with a girl and want to get her to sneak into an off-limits section of  a park you’re passing by.

YOU: There’s a really neat area in that park over there. I can’t take you to it though, you’re too much of a good girl.

HER: What? Why?

YOU: It’s off-limits, but they don’t patrol it. But I bet you’re too afraid of getting into trouble to go anywhere you’re not supposed to go.

If the disqualifier works, she will qualify herself (“No I’m not!”), and probably volunteer to accompany you into that off-limits area.

EXAMPLE 4.2: you’re on a date with a girl at a café who resists your attempts to set a sexual frame.

YOU: [using sex talk]

HER: You really think about sex a lot, don’t you?

YOU: Honestly, I think it’s pretty weird if you never think about sex. We all think about it. We’re wired to think about it. Hiding those thoughts is just being prudish.

If your disqualification of this girl connects, she will qualify herself (“I’m not a prude”) or jump right into talking about sex on her own (maybe she’ll even get naughtier about it than you did, just to prove a point!).

 

#5: Inspiring Chasing Behavior in a Girl

EXAMPLE 5.1: you’re sitting down in a shopping mall with a 20-year-old girl who is fairly into you but not outright chasing you just yet.

YOU: Well, I really like talking to you, but you’re probably too much of a mall girl for me.

HER: What? What do you mean? What’s a ‘mall girl’?

YOU: You know, like, one of those girls who hangs out at the mall, and thinks men are gross, because she just likes to go shopping, and hang out with ‘the girls’, and complain about how boys don’t make any sense at all.

If your disqualifier hits its mark, she will quickly begin qualifying herself as “not a mall girl” or “no, I’m not like that”, at which point you can perk up and tell her, “Oh! Okay, I guess I like you then!” and give her a big smile – and at this point, having had her emotions dip down into dissimilarity and potential rejection, then back up into similarity and acceptance, she is going to start to chase.

EXAMPLE 5.2: you’ve met a girl in a nightclub who is showing you signs of interest and behaving attracted to you, but she isn’t chasing just yet.

YOU: So do you talk to a lot of guys when you come here?

HER: I talk to some!

YOU: Yeah, I knew it. You’re probably just saying the same stuff to me you say to all of them. [said with a smile and a wink, so she can’t really tell if you’re serious or pulling her leg]

This disqualifier in essence reverses the ‘playboy frame’ that girls will hit you with, and accuses her of being the player who says the same thing to all the boys instead. When it hits, she’ll laugh it off, play along with it, or get serious and explain herself (“No, actually I don’t come here much and usually don’t talk to guys at all”); but after that, you will notice she starts to chase you a whole lot harder.

 

Wrap Up

There’s more I could say here but this article’s already 3500 words long.

I will say that I covered how to respond to girls when they qualify themselves to you in detail in Lush Teases™, the teasing “how to” program I’ll be releasing soon.

The way you respond to women’s response to your disqualifiers is every bit as important as the disqualifiers themselves. It is very important they feel properly rewarded – that way you encourage them to continue to qualify themselves, invest in you, and chase.

I hope you enjoyed this article!

Disqualification is an extremely effective tool.

It is also one you do not want to overuse – although it is very possible to string together disqualifications to ‘crack’ particularly tough girls (can work surprisingly well).

If there’s interest in using disqualifiers to crack tough or disinterested girls (I mentioned both the ‘disqualify her to other people in front of her’ strategy and the ‘string your disqualifications together’ strategy here), let me know in the comments and I’ll either write an article on them or more likely add a bonus to Lush Teases that covers those.

Cheers!

Chase Amante