Rewarding and Punishing Girls

Reward girls to encourage helpful behavior you like. Punish them to discourage unhelpful behavior you dislike. Do both to make your love life much easier.

Note: this is an old post of mine that guys liked a lot from back in the mASF days. It dates to around mid-2007… so if you notice any stylistic differences here, well, this is coming from a younger and less polished me.

Whether during the initial pickup or in a relationship of any kind with a chick, rewarding and punishing is crucial. A lot of guys will make the mistake of trying to alleviate bad behavior by kissing up to a girl, trying to distract her, or going overboard and getting angry or reactive. None of these are the correct solution for maintaining both your value and your attainability in the interaction or relationship.

Most guys in the pickup community who are successful at picking up girls recognize the importance of rewarding and punishing during the pickup: if you don't punish bad behavior, she will think you are a pushover, lose interest, and blow you out. If you reward good behavior, she will try harder to make you happy and hopefully the night will end with a romp in the sack. Where a lot of guys drop the ball later on is in the relationship stage.

The fact is, most of the guys you will talk to simply don't think of their relationships in terms of mapping a girl to behave the way they want. But it can be done, and it's not terribly difficult - and it will make your relationships that much more enjoyable, supportive, and strong.

So here's a challenge: begin looking at your relationships in these terms. Everything your girl does can be interpreted as either good behavior or bad behavior. If you like what she is doing, you MUST reward her, or else she will likely stop doing it, forget about it, or just think you don't care. If on the other hand you DON'T like what she is doing, you must punish her, or she will keep doing it and lose respect for you all the way.

Rewarding vs. Punishing Girls

Rewarding is easy. Reward girls with the three A's:

1. Affection,
2. Attention, and
3. Appreciation.

With but a few exceptions, every girl wants to be loved and held and cherished. If you thank her, touch her, kiss her, or fuck the daylights out of her for doing something good for you - do you think she will want to do it again? You bet. In terms of the actual pickup, kinoing on the highpoints, qualifying her when she says/does something that impresses you, and giving her an SOI are all rewards. Together, they reinforce the behavior that they are being used to reward.

Punishing is a bit tougher. When a lot of guys say "punish", what they mean is "take". You should never "take" anything. This is key:

REWARD, in the context of relationships, means to choose to give. PUNISH, in this context, means to choose NOT to give. A high value guy has no need or desire to ever take from anyone - only low value guys try to take from others, because they are trying to make up for what they lack.

Punishing is done with freeze outs, zoning out, becoming distant, withdrawing kino. Things of that nature. You aren't insulting her or getting mad at her or telling her to get lost, you are just not giving of yourself to her.

If you get angry and react emotionally to anything a girl does, that is not punishment. It is actually, in a twisted way, a kind of reward - you are giving her validation by showing to her that she has emotionally affected you.

Subtle Behavior Modification

The interesting thing about rewarding and punishing is that it is so subtle. Unless you are blatantly obvious about it (which you really shouldn't be), girls will likely never realize what you are doing... it simply builds unconscious connections in their brains. They learn pretty quickly, "Okay, don't give this guy shit, I don't get good feelings when I do it with him like I do with other guys who kiss up to me when I give them shit." Especially in relationships, the effects build up over time.

READ MORE: Operant Conditioning in Your Romantic Relationships

Condition her behavior over time to bring it in line with what you’d like it to be.

As you reward and punish, reward and punish, you can get a girl's behavior to the point where she is pretty much always happy and positive and supportive around you, which is what you want. Unless she's a fucked up psycho girl, in which case hopefully you realized that before you got involved with her and you know what you are doing. But I guess hey, psycho girls need love too.

Anyway, a big key to all this is to make sure that you reward the right things. If you reward bad behavior (even inadvertently), you are reinforcing that behavior and you will see it more and more. So if a girl is doing something you don't like, punish it using the two I's - ignorance and indifference. Ignore her a bit, be indifferent. It will show her that behaving badly around you gets her nothing - and if you usually provide affection and good feelings to her, she will want to get back to that.

Rewarding and punishing is vitally important from the moment you meet a chick all through pickup, seduction, and into the relationship. So long as you remember to reward good behavior and punish bad behavior, you life will be so much easier. Try it. You'll like it.

Always,
Chase

READ NEXT: “How & When to Reward a Woman”