Not Getting Laid? You're Playing It Too "Safe" with Girls

When a guy is not getting laid, it is almost always for the same reason:

He is playing it too safe with girls.

I don’t mean “safe” as in “avoiding sketchy situations with girls bristling with red flags.”

Sure, red flag girls might be easier, but that’s not the kind of “success” you want.

Instead I mean “safe” as in he is doing things to protect his ego and avoid work that might not pay off instantly, the cost of this being that he continues to not get laid with girls.

So long as he continues playing things this kind of “safe”, he will remain stuck in a dry spell, going nowhere with girls, and not getting laid.

The only way out of it (aside from Lady Luck taking pity on him and throwing him a freebie one day) is to stop playing it so safe… and begin taking the kind of risks that bring girls into one’s life and bed.

 

Most Guys Approach Way Too Few Chicks

The first way guys play things too safe and end up not getting laid is to approach far too few women.

We have a thread on the forum where guys are presently debating the number of approaches unskilled men need to make to get a lay. The opinions are varying from as low as 20 to about 40 to as high as 100 or sometimes multiple 100s of approaches for a man lacking in polished skill with women to sleep with a new girl.

That sounds like a lot. But if you take on my 4 approaches per day for 30 days challenge, you’ll hit 120 approaches in a single month. Even if you’re a 100-approaches-per-lay guy, that’s one new girl in your bed with an hour or two of approaching per day.

READ MORE: Can You Approach 4 Girls Per Day for 30 Days?

What I have observed consistently over the years though is that men will talk about how they are not getting laid, often spending large amounts of time fretting over it, talking about what might or must be wrong with them, going onto forums and video and article comment sections to opine about women being picky or them not understanding what women want… and then you find out how many women the guy’s approached since this year-long dry spell of his began and it’s… 5 or 10 girls total.

That’s like going to a tennis court, swinging the racket 8 or 9 times, missing the ball each time, then leaving the tennis court… only to spend the next year in consternation, turning it over endlessly, pouring hours upon hours into debates with others about why it is so difficult to hit tennis balls these days, or speculation about who exactly you need to be to hit a tennis ball.

All that time spent doubting oneself and opining with others could have been spent approaching girls, and you’d have been getting laid, instead of getting frustrated.

There are many ways to make girl-getting more efficient.

Nevertheless, at the end of the day, while you can get your needed number of approaches down, getting laid is and will always be a numbers game.

READ MORE: Think in Numbers: Talking to Lots of Girls

You simply are not going to be getting laid unless and until you put the numbers in:

• If it takes you two years to speak to thirty different women and finally get laid, you will get laid once every two years.

• On the other hand, if it takes you a week to speak to thirty different women and get laid… you will get laid once per week.

This is just simple math.

 

Math Matters When It Comes to Getting Laid

People like to think “math doesn’t matter” because this is a thing having to do with people, but math does matter. You can even break it down into a math equation:

1. What percent of women my age are single at any time? (it’s about 23-24% of women in almost every age bracket)

2. What percent of women I approach are likely to find me attractive? (determined both by things you cannot control, like your and her facial similarity and other assortative characteristics, plus many things you can control, such as your fundamentals)

3. What percent of women I approach will be logistically free enough to get together with me? (i.e., which girls are not “single and interested but flying out of town tonight” or “single and interested but so stressed out by work that can’t do dating right now”)

Here’s an example of the math in action:

Say you approach 100 girls.

23% are single. 0.23 x 100 = that leaves you with 23 girls.

Only 15% of those 23 are attracted to you, because you’re new to this and you’re a bit of a schlub still, but hey, there’s someone out there for everyone, and girls’ tastes vary widely, plus you get points for having the balls to approach, so you still get a little interest. 0.15 x 23 = that leaves you with 3.45 girls.

80% of those are logistically available to go out on dates or hook up with you, the others having various reasons why, despite their interest and availability, they end up not being able to meet. 0.80 x 3.45 leaves you with 2.76 girls who are single, attracted enough to go to bed with you, and lack any logistical obstacles that will prevent them doing so.

That gets you to 36 approaches on average to find a lay.

No wonder the guys doing 5-10 approaches per year are on a dry spell!

This is math. Math is fun. Math is pretty straightforward.

If you understand math, it becomes a lot less about EGO, and a lot more about “putting the numbers in.”

You must put the numbers in to get laid. If you’re not putting the numbers in, you’re not getting laid.

If you need to meet (for instance) 36 women to get a lay, how the heck are you going to get laid talking to one or two new girls a month?

That’s like going to the tennis court, swinging the racket once or twice, then going home to fret about how you can never hit the tennis ball.

You need to swing the racket more often than that, young Padawan.

 

Most Guys Move Too Slow

There was a time when I was going out 2-3 nights per week, making 5-12 approaches per night, yet only getting laid once every couple months. For the life of me, I could not figure out what I was doing wrong, and I became very frustrated. During this stretch I was what you would call an “approach artist” – I could make approaches; they just wouldn’t usually go anywhere!

Then one day I went out with a very experienced guy and a bunch of other guys, and none of us other guys picked up girls, but the experienced guy brought a group of girls back to my place, pretty much all on his own. Then at my place, each of us guys chatted with girls, and I tentatively tried (but totally failed) to pull one of the girls to the bathroom, meanwhile the experienced guy was the only one who actually pulled a girl to a room. The walls were too thin, everyone else was too sober, and the girl, after he tried escalating on her there, balked and exited the room.

After the girls left, the experienced guy chided us for not moving faster. We were in the club talking to girls all night but we didn’t escalate and we didn’t pull. We were back at the apartment and, again, all we did was talk to them. We didn’t make things sexual. Nobody else pulled a girl to a room. All we did was talk to the girls platonically.

And it clicked for me: “Am I just talking to girls and not actually trying to move things forward?”

I realized I was.

I realized that – because I wanted to avoid rejection – I was trying to make sure girls were SUPER into me before I asked a girl to do anything. Even then, a lot of the time I’d be drowning in signs a girl liked me, yet still not making invites to her, still saying to myself, “Well, I don’t want to make a move just yet… I need to be surer!” and finally the girl would get fed up and leave.

One breakthrough I began adopting piecemeal soon after was to set internal ‘timers’ for myself.

READ MORE: Tactics Tuesdays: Tactics Timers

It got me around my anxiety and into making moves, even if I thought the girl might not be ready for it. I discovered the reality was I’d been playing it too safe, and as soon as I started moving faster a lot more girls were a lot more willing than I’d expected they’d be.

I gave myself a rule that every night I went out I had to invite at least one girl home with me, and any night I didn’t do that was a failed night and didn’t even really count as a night in field; instead it was just a bust, since I didn’t even try hard enough to really fail at anything that counts.

I still see loads and loads of guys doing this, though – this same thing I did for a time. They will approach girls, and talk to them, but they do not make moves, or they take so long to make them that most of the girls they could have gotten, they don’t get.

If you’re not getting laid, you’re almost certainly moving too slow.

 

“Blow Me or Blow Me Out!”

When I was new to going for girls, there was a seduction guru by the name of BradP whose catchphrase was “Blow me or blow me out!” He liked to claim that if 25% of your rejections weren’t blow-outs (i.e., harsh rejections by the girl because you went too far), you weren’t risking enough in your approaches.

BradP used bold, sexual game. He was charismatic, energetic, and fun – but he pushed to move things forward with girls, too. It forced them to decide: YES or NO. BradP is an extreme example of what I’m talking about here: pushing to move things forward versus sitting on the fence.

If you’re pushing TOO hard – like walking up to a girl with the old chestnut “Nice shoes; wanna fuck?” – it’s just not going to work (well… usually).

The problem most men have is not pushing too hard, though. It is failing to push hard enough.

If it feels like you have a lot of conversations with women where women show interest in you but they never really go much of anywhere, AND you also aren’t asking girls for dates, phone numbers, or to accompany you home pretty much every time you go out to talk to women, then you are almost certainly moving too slow, spending too much time perched upon the fence, and are not trying to escalate nearly often enough.

You are probably missing out on many girls who do like you, whom you could get together with, but who you don’t because you’re not making the moves.

You don’t have to go full BradP “Blow me or blow me out!”

But you should be working to move yourself closer to that – i.e., get her to either move to the next step with you or outright tell you no – at least until you’re confident and calibrated enough that you can consistently escalate with girls in smooth ways without leaving on the table women you could’ve gotten but didn’t.

(worth noting that there are men with the opposite problem: they move too fast and collect too many blow-outs from girls they otherwise could’ve landed. Read this article if that’s familiar)

 

Most Guys Get Too Daunted by Words

When I was in college, there was this jock/athlete-type guy on my floor who was a pretty cool high testosterone gorilla type of guy. He didn’t play any sports for the college sports team but he was always in-shape and always into manly pursuits.

A few years after college, with me now into seduction, I met up with him in Phoenix to catch up and go pick up on ASU chicks. While we were chatting, he mentioned this very hot girl he’d brought to his place one night, and described how confused he was because she’d seemed SO into him, yet when they reached his apartment, she made out with him, then got up, went to the bathroom, came back, made out with him again, then declared, “We are NOT having sex tonight!”

Any guy familiar with the subject matter of this site knows if a girl is into you back at your place saying this to you, it’s in the bag. It means she is thinking a lot about sex, and wanting it. If she doesn’t want to have sex she isn’t going to feel the need to tell you she’s not having sex with you! She certainly won’t be making out with you, reinitiating make-outs with you after they’ve ended, and ACTING like for all the world she wants to!

READ MORE: We Are Not Having Sex Tonight: What Happens When You Don’t

Unfortunately for my buddy, the moment this girl said this to him, he gave up, figuring she must’ve meant it, and showed her out shortly thereafter. The confusing thing to him, he said, was she was still grabbing at him and trying to kiss him even as he ushered her out the door.

I laughed in commiseration when I heard this. Just about every girl I’ve ever had tell me, “We are not having sex tonight!” has ended up having sex with me within about 30 minutes of saying that to me. But the first few times I heard it from girls I nearly gave up trying (only to end up getting laid not long after the girl said it). My friend had fallen for that age-old trap that catches so many men, so often: listening to women’s words instead of their actions.

If a man is telling you he’s your good buddy, your really good friend, as he sticks a gun in your face and robs you blind, what do you think? “Well he said he’s my friend so I guess he really must be my friend in spite of his actions?” No!

So why if a woman is telling you “I’m not into you” or “We’re not hooking up”, meanwhile she continues to sit close to you, comply with your requests, kiss you, and allow the escalation to continue, would you conclude “I guess she really is not into me”?

An easy way to go from not getting laid very much at all to getting laid a whole lot more is to simply ignore most of what women say and home in instead on women’s actions.

READ MORE: Why to Never Take What Women Say at Face Value

The deafer you can become to women’s words while becoming ferociously attuned to women’s actions, the more you will find getting laid with girls becomes easier, and easier, and easier.

Yes, words can contain some useful information sometimes, such as details about a girl’s logistical situation. But much of the time, words have much less relevance to a seduction than actions and behavior.

 

The Modern Man Word Obsession

Every guy complaining about “stuff women say” is a guy who isn’t getting laid with girls.

I have never encountered a man getting laid with women regularly who cared much at all about what women were saying.

Guys who are not getting laid are often totally fixated upon women’s words. They talk about:

• Women’s statements about what kind of men they want to date.

• Women’s statements about how willing or not they are to have sex.

• Women’s statements about their political orientations/ideologies.

• Women’s often hypocritical and oxymoronic positions on various things.

• Women’s statements about their schedules, availability, and busyness.

… and so on and so forth.

Guys that are not getting laid REALLY, REALLY CARE about things women are saying.

Guys who are getting laid don’t care about this stuff at all.

So which comes first? Is it that men who get laid start to not care about what women say? Or is that men get laid BECAUSE they aren’t paying attention to what women say?

Well, it’s a bit of both:

1. When you stop paying attention to what women are saying, and instead just listen to their actions, suddenly it becomes a whole lot easier to get laid with girls.

2. As you get laid with girls more and more, you discover their actions often and even EGREGIOUSLY contradict their words… and because you are getting laid with their bodies, not their words, you end up paying a lot more attention to what women’s bodies are doing than what words they are saying.

I’ll give you some examples:

1. If a girl says she only dates guys with 6-figure incomes, and you don’t have a 6-figure income, but she is acting attracted and compliant and allowing the courtship to move forward, the guy who listens to words will eject and not get laid with the girl, whereas the guy who listens to actions will stick with it and lay the girl.

2. If a girl says she is on her period and cannot have sex, yet she is acting lustful and compliant and allowing the seduction to move forward, the guy who listens to words will eject and not get laid with the girl, whereas the guy who listens to actions will stick with it and lay the girl.

3. If a girl says she has a strict 5-date rule before having sex, yet she is acting attracted and compliant and allowing the courtship to move forward, the guy who listens to words will take her on five dates first and very likely get friend zoned at the end of it, whereas the guy who listens to actions will bang her on the first date, like forum member NarrowJ did with the girl who told him this.

The more you are listening to women’s words – in-person, on social media, in videos, anywhere – and the less you are listening to women’s actions, the less you are going to be getting laid.

The more you are listening to women’s actions (especially around you), and the less you are paying attention to women’s words, the more you are going to be getting laid.

Of course, listening to women’s words is the “safe play” that corporations, outspoken feminists, and modern society is telling you you need to do because women and men are just so identical and it’s unjust to listen to a woman’s actions over her words (hilariously, these same entities will then turn around and instruct women to ignore men’s words and instead listen to their actions).

You can play it “safe” and listen to women’s words and not get laid even when women are doing everything in their power to try to get you to lay them, short of just outright telling you “Stick your penis in me, pal!”

Or you can play it “risky” and do the outmoded, unprogressive thing, and let a woman’s actions, behavior, voice tone, and expressions speak louder to you than her words do.

 

Conclusion: Why You’re Not Getting Laid

We covered three (3) reasons why if you’re not getting laid that likely is:

1. You’re approaching far too few chicks.

2. You’re moving much too slow with girls.

3. You’re listening to women’s words instead of their behavior and actions.

Each of these is some form of “playing it safe”:

• “I don’t want to risk rejection so I just won’t approach.”

• “I don’t want to risk rejection so I won’t escalate.”

• “I don’t want to risk rejection so I’ll go by what she says.”

Have you ever heard a woman describing what she wants in a man, and heard her say something like, “I’m really looking for a guy who plays it really safe. You know, he avoids bold actions, doesn’t take any chances, and is really kind of slow and meek, kind of like a little mouse or a turtle”?

No, of course not. Women like their men confident, ballsy risk takers who will take a stab at something and make an effort to make things happen. They like men who are out there creating the life they want, not huddled in the corner waiting for life to find them.

If you are not getting laid, that tells me RIGHT NOW that you are not taking enough risks. Every guy I have encountered who is not regularly getting laid is in violation of one or all of these:

1. He’s not approaching enough chicks.

2. He’s moving much too slow with girls.

3. He’s listening to women’s words instead of their behavior and actions.

The awesome thing is this is all COMPLETELY within your control:

• It’s totally in your control how many girls you approach.

• It’s totally in your control how slow or fast (not to mention how continuously) you move with girls.

• It’s totally in your control if you will listen to girls’ words or their actions/behavior.

YOU decide.

You get to CHOOSE how much you are going to be getting laid.

Want to not be getting laid? Then simply don’t approach enough or at all, move slow when at last you do, and always obey girls’ words over their actions/behavior. I guarantee you if you just do these three things, you will get laid so rarely sex and horny women will both start to seem mythical to you.

On the other hand, want to start getting laid? Then:

1. Approach enough chicks.

2. Move faster with girls.

3. Listen to women’s actions and behavior above all else.

That will start you getting laid, even if you’re all thumbs with women.

To do even better with girls, use the stuff from this website – we’ve got a lot of it here – and watch as getting laid and getting great girlfriends grows easier and easier.

But those first steps are critical: you’ve got to approach, you’ve got to make continuous moves, and you’ve got to listen to women’s actions, far above and beyond their words.

Chase Amante