Girls Flirt When It Feels Safe to Flirt

How do you get a girl to flirt with you?

For starters, make it feel safe for her to.

There are various ways women may feel like flirting with you is safe – ranging from because they believe there’s nothing that “can happen” to because they believe that anything that could happen would be positive.

Let’s take a quick look at what this means – how and why girls judge it “safe to flirt” – and how to use this to create meaningful flirtations that lead your seductions forward toward consummation.

 

Safe and Harmless Flirtations

I’m a big flirt.

I like to flirt with girls.

One situation I will not flirt with them, however, is those situations that in my experience most men will line up to flirt with them: namely, any scenario where there’s virtually no chance for the two of you to hook up.

I like for there to be a POINT to my flirtations!

Some women are ENORMOUS flirts at work, for instance. I have worked in workplaces with such women, and observed them flirting with just about every guy with a pulse.

Do these women hook up with guys at work? Probably. It doesn’t matter if they’re married. If they’re that flirtatious, they likely have affairs… sometimes.

However, they generally aren’t doing it as much as your average guy at work suspects. He experiences this married woman flirting with him and thinks, “Wow! She’s REALLY into me!” He notices her flirting with other men too, of course… but she flirts with him MORE. The MOST! He’s the one she wants most!

Every other guy she’s flirting with at work also feels like she is flirting with himself the most… that he himself is the one she wants most… and her flirtation with other men is nowhere near as much as it is with himself.

I worked in a Navy office once where the admiral’s secretary was this very sexy married 40-something Filipina with a killer body who ALWAYS wore skin-tight dresses (often bright red ones with plunging necklines) and flirted constantly with every guy she encountered. Was the admiral banging his secretary? I don’t know. I wouldn’t have been surprised.

But the funny thing was how much the other men in the office flirted with this hyper-flirtatious secretary. She’d ask a guy to bring something to the admiral’s office, or deliver some report the admiral wanted delivered, and flirt like crazy as she did it. Then the guy she was talking to would start flirting back, she’d laugh and flirt a bit more, then she’d run away.

One of my coworkers (a guy in his mid-20s) talked to me every so often about how HOT this secretary was, and asked me if I thought the admiral was banging her (“50/50” I told him). It was obvious this coworker would’ve liked to have shagged this slutty secretary himself, but just didn’t see a way how. Of course not; she only ever flirted just long enough to get a hit of attention from men, then she ran off back to her office.

There’s one easy way to know if a woman WANTS something to happen with you or not:

Does she give you opportunities to get her alone with you or doesn’t she?

If she does, it’s a REAL flirtation, with potential to lead somewhere.

If she doesn’t, she’s just doing it for attention and validation.

It is, in other words, an entirely safe flirtation… because she can experience much of the thrill of a real seduction, with none of the risks (e.g., workplace romance drama, an affair her husband might discover, etc.).

I always found such flirtations pointless. Kind of a real life Cam Girl or Only Fans. “Pay to feel like you have a shot!” Though in this case, rather than pay with money, you pay with attention.

It’s fine to flirt at work recreationally if you want to do that. You may want to “flirt ping” a cute girl in the office every so often, to see if she opens up escalation windows for you. Then if she doesn’t, switch back to being cordial for a few months until you think it’s worth pinging her again to see if things might’ve changed with her.

Or, if you really are just fine flirting back and forth with some chick nothing’s ever going to happen with, because you’re bored at home with the wife or something, then I guess knock yourself out.

But just keep in mind what these flirtations are, where the girl acts very flirtatious, but always makes her exit before the vibe can escalate or you’d have a chance to get her alone: these are flirtations that are safe because they are harmless; there’s no real chance of you and this girl ever getting together.

(that said, the science is with me here: a 2011 study found women’s attraction to men “significantly decreased” when men flirted purely for fun. You’ve got to be trying to DO something with that flirtation!)

 

Common Types of Harmless Flirtations

Here are some of the most common types of “safe due to harmlessness” flirtations men experience:

• Office flirtations where the girl mysteriously never sticks around for them after work or gives them a chance to get her alone somewhere.

• Social circle flirtations that work the same way (girl is always flirtatious, but never waits for the guy / lets him get her alone).

• Nightlife flirtations where the girl flits about from man to man, refusing to linger with any one man long enough for him to really try to seduce her.

• The kind of flirtations men normally experience with waitresses in restaurants.

• The kind of flirtations men normally experience with dancing girls in strip clubs.

Not every flirtation in one of these settings will be harmless, and if you know what you’re doing you can pick up girls from all these places:

• Here’s our guide on getting laid at work.
• Here’s our guide to social circle.
• Here’s our guide to picking up attention seekers / attention whores.
• Here’s our guide to picking up waitresses.

However, if a guy isn’t following a system like one of these, he is probably getting the runaround – a flirtation designed to give the woman attention in a totally safe and harmless way.

Kinda like playing outside the gorilla and lion cages in the zoo. Big scary beasts! No ability to do anything to you (well, so long as the bars hold).

See my article on flirty girls to understand this dynamic even better.

READ MORE: The Paradox of the Flirty Girl

 

When Flirtations Get “Risky”, Women Abandon Them

By “risky”, all we mean here is “a risk of something happening that a woman does not want to happen.”

If you’ve ever tried to pin down one of those flirtatious workplace or social circle girls and had her shift from “very flirtatious” to “awkward and trying to make her exit”, you experienced what happens when a girl who thought she was engaged in a perfectly safe, harmless flirtation realizes she’s with a man who is trying to lead it somewhere.

Even still, if she’s confident in her control of the frame, she won’t be worried.

If she’s not though (or your frame control is better), that’s when you get girls acting awkward, and female state control kicks in, shutting off the flirtation, and they start looking for the exits.

This isn’t a bad thing if you’re trying to get girls to “shit or get off the pot.”

Nevertheless, it can be potentially bad for your work or social circles. Most girls aren’t going to go after you as a guy who “doesn’t get it” (i.e., won’t supply her with a font of validation sans trying to advance the courtship). Some girls though are compulsive about maintaining total control of their environments and the people in them, and if you won’t play ball, and don’t understand how it’s supposed to go, you become an irritant she’d prefer to see removed.

Thus, my recommendation anywhere a flirtatious girl carries some clout (or might): take your stab to see if she’ll let you lead things forward, but make sure it’s smooth – and if she denies it, switch your interaction style to ‘cordial’ instead of ‘flirtatious’ when you see her (i.e., treat her the same as you would a male workmate or friend).

 

Auto-Rejected Flirtations

Another kind of “risky” flirtation you will experience women abandoning is auto-rejected ones.

Auto-rejection happens any time a woman decides the principles of attainability are untrue for you and her:

1. Is this for real?
2. Does he respect me as a friend?
3. Can a girl like me get a guy like him?

You can have, for instance, a great flirtation going with a girl, where she is really into you… but it drags on too long, she starts to think “This isn’t for real; he isn’t actually going to make a move”, and then she starts to auto-reject.

If you miss her escalation windows you can cause this to happen.

Other ways to put formerly interested women into auto-rejected include being accidentally rude and creating too many jealousy plotlines.

If she starts to feel auto-rejected, her flirtation with you becomes a ‘risky’ one – inasmuch as it risks hurting her self-esteem to keep interacting with you, flirting with a guy who (she thinks) doesn’t respect her, isn’t being real, or is out of reach for a girl like her.

At that point, the flirtation stops, and the awkwardness begins.

 

Safe Flirtations that Lead Somewhere

Harmless flirtations that don’t lead anywhere are not the only kind of flirtations you can have.

You can also have flirtations where the girl is excited and where she has a high degree of trust in you. These are your ideal flirtations where your VAC or SAC are firing on all cylinders.

In this case, the flirtation still feels safe, because she trusts that you aren’t going to hurt her or humiliate her, or drag her into some situation she’s very uncomfortable with. If at some point she DOES start to fear that, that means trust’s gone down, and now it’s going to be harder to flirt.

 

Using Flirtation as a Gauge of Girls’ Trust and Safety

A girl being flirtatious is thus a GREAT indication of how safe she feels in a situation.

If she feels safe (whether because the situation precludes any risk to her… OR because she’s totally down for that ‘risk’, at least right now, and trusts things will be okay), she’ll tend to flirt.

If she does not feel safe enough, she won’t.

In other words, if a girl won’t flirt with you, it means both of these:

1. She does not trust the environment/situation to protect her from unwanted things happening if she flirts.

2. She does not trust YOU enough to feel comfortable engaging in a flirtation with you (i.e., does not trust that she can flirt with you yet still avoid engaging in things she’d rather not engage in with you).

If either A. or B. above is true, she’ll flirt.

If neither is true, she won’t flirt.

(exceptions of course for girls who are socially stunted in some way and never flirt)

If you’re meeting women in “low safety environments”, like the street or a bar, where a girl cannot rely on the environment to guard against a man behaving too aggressive with her, you will tend to only get flirtation with women when you’re able to disarm them enough that they trust flirting with you won’t cause anything to happen that they don’t want to happen.

If you approach girls and they flirt lightly but then get awkward, it means the safety/trust element is lacking for them.

As a newbie seducer, one of the biggest things I focused on was trust – I wanted women to feel like they could trust me the moment I started speaking to them. A man has to come across in a trustworthy way, or women will keep their walls up around him. Even today, when I talk to a new woman, I’m very conscious about coming across in a way that makes her feel very much at ease. She needs to be, to be able to flirt.

 

Becoming More Trustworthy (So Women Will Flirt More)

How do you make yourself more trustworthy? Here are a few ways:

• Improve your fundamentals. Better fundamentals tell women you’re a man who is conscientious enough to take care of his appearance, which probably means you’re not a dangerous loose cannon.

• Practice smiling warmly. Not to mention having warm, casual, comfortable body language in general (except where you need to come across especially aloof and high value!).

• Cultivate humility. Not defeatist low opinion of oneself. On the contrary – you must think highly of yourself, but be humble (the occasional cocky joke or braggadocio is fine so long as it’s set off with some real grounded humility).

• Approach in non-startling ways. That means don’t run up to her and tap her on the back. She should see you approaching. Use a pre-opener; there’s a reason they up your open rates and raise the warmth girls give off.

• Show understanding of her. Cold reads, deep dives, personality tests – all these make a woman feel understood, which raises the feelings of similarity between you and her. The relating you do during sex talk does this too – showing her you commiserate with what it’s like to be a woman makes her feel like you ‘get’ her.

• Time your moves properly & pace things well. Try to rush through the seduction skipping steps she’s not ready to skip, and her trust in you goes down. But likewise if you miss her escalation windows and don’t advance things when she was waiting for you to, again, trust goes down. Move backwards in the courtship? Again, trust goes down. I know it can feel hard (especially as a beginner), but try to pace things well. If you’re not sure, though, it’s always better to err on the side of moving faster – if she likes you, she’ll tend to be forgiving of a little faster movement if you’re responsive to her and hit the brakes a bit when she signals she needs to hit the brakes.

• Be desireless. One of three tenets of the Tao of Steve for good reason: when women don’t pick up any ulterior motives in you, it’s far easier for them to relax around you and trust you.

Above all, trust is about vibe. Master the vibe, and trust is easy. Be sure to check out Ricardus’s 5-part X-factor series to get your vibe locked down good and tight.

 

Conclusion

It’s pretty common to see newer guys struggling to get girls to flirt with them much.

At the meta level, the reason is always the same: girls don’t trust them enough, and the situation feels ‘risky’.

If you’re struggling to get girls to be flirtatious outside of ‘safe’ (i.e., harmless) environments, you need to work on coming across in a more trustworthy way.

In fact, this trumps sexiness if you ask me, as far as “what should beginners work on?”

Get the trust factor handled first, then mix in sexiness once you’ve got it.

Guys trying to be sexy before they master trustworthiness end up coming across as creepy.

READ MORE: How to Not be the Creepy Guy

Women should feel safe flirting with you in all kinds of environments – particularly outside those harmless ‘safe’ environments like an office or social group where they’re never alone with you (or any other guy) for more than a few seconds.

Instead, you want to be a walking, talking, trustworthiness-oozing playboy.

That doesn’t mean a harmless playboy. You can be very, very sexy, and very masculine, yet still feel ‘safe’. Why do you think girls want to cuddle up to the sexy bad boy? Yeah, he’ll fuck them silly, and can knock a guy’s block off if the guy’s being a jerk – but girls trust he won’t push them to do anything they aren’t ready to do and won’t bring them into compromising situations. The fact that he can probably defend them just adds to the safety/trust factor.

(I had a post on the forum years ago where I discussed this – how women feeling like you are “on their side” and are willing to go to bat for them if push comes to shove can really help seal the deal in terms of how they feel about you. Again, it is all about safety and trust – a girl feels safe with a guy she feels connected to whom she trusts will defend her. Not white knight for her over stupid crap like somebody saying something mean about women in general, but really defend her in actual nasty situations, such as someone calling her a whore or some drunk guy trying to grab her)

Girls flirt when it feels safe enough to flirt.

Guys will get ‘tricked’ by flirtatious girls in environments where flirtation is harmless – the married woman at work who never lets herself get caught one-on-one; the attention whore in the nightclub who flits from guy to guy; the girl on social media who gives them likes and flirtatious comments without ever meeting up with them solo in real life. These girls aren’t flirting because they’re interested – they’re flirting because it’s harmless and there’s no chance of anything happening.

What you want is women who feel safe to flirt with you in situations that are not inherently safe on their own.

You want girls to feel a sense of trust in you so that flirting with you never feels risky. That way, you can lead your courtships with them forward, and – so long as you keep up both trust and forward momentum – get together with them in the end.

Chase Amante