First Time Having Sex with a Girl? Don't Be Too Rough

The first time you have sex with girls, you do not want it to be overly rough. Nor do you want to do anything to trigger feelings in a woman that you think she's a slut.

Yet I have noticed over the years that some guys are fairly (or even quite) rough during the first sexual encounter with a girl. They may do other things that imply to her they think she's a slut (such as using dirty talk where they might even tell her she's a slut. On the first night!).

Some possible reasons men do this with women include:

1. They've watched a lot of porn and have conflated 'rough' and 'wild' with 'showing her a good time'

2. They're just really physical, manly guys and think just being rough with a woman the first time is normal

3. They may have had a girlfriend or FWB who liked it rough and gotten into the habit of being really rough during sex, and that's carried over into their hookups with new girls

4. There's also the less-charitable interpretation is that they may not really care about the girl at all and are just using her to pump and dump (who cares if she has a good time or not!)

Regardless the reason for their roughness the first time they have sex with a girl, the fact is you should not be too rough the first time you bed her.

There are a variety of reasons for this. Some of them are quite important.

So, I hope you will read on -- and have better first encounters + avoid a lot of potential heartache for yourself and women.

 

First Off: Rough First Sex Insults Most Girls

I don't care how you met her, what kind of connection you have with her, or how rough she normally likes it with her regular lovers. If you go too rough on her the first time you bed her, it's usually going to be taken as an insult.

It's an insult because just like there is a flirtation/escalation process from "hello" to "let's go to bed", and just like there's an escalation process from a guy scowling at you to him punching your lights out, there is an escalation process from "feeling you out" sex to "I know you inside and out and am going to run you ragged" sex.

Think of it like this: if there's a girl who is looking at you and smiling, and you walk up to her and tell her, "Get on your knees and suck this dick, baby," will she be insulted? Absolutely. (there are a few freaks out there who will get off on it... but the vast majority of women will take this as an insult)

She would not be insulted if you walked up to her, seduced her properly, then got her out of there an hour or two later, brought her home, seduced her more, then gently told her you wanted her to suck your dick. (again, there are a few outliers who will be insulted even if the seduction was perfect. But this won't be most girls)

Why is it insulting if it happens without the proper escalation?

Well, for that, you need to dig into the psychology of why humans are insulted by this thing or that.

But we all know when something insults us. Often it insults us when things happen without sufficient escalation, where they happen too early -- when the gun is jumped.

If you get into a fight with a guy, and it starts with you trading mean words, then the two of you shoving each other, then a fight, well, it's a fight. You don't like the guy, but you don't feel terribly disrespected.

However if a guy walks right up to you, looks at you square in the face, then clocks you with a left hook without so much as a provocation on your part, you're going to feel extremely insulted by that.

Why though? You got punched either way. Why is one so much more insulting than the other?

Largely it is due to the lack of expectation. We're insulted when our expectations are not met. Someone jumping the gun on your expectations communicates lack of respect for you.

When things happen too soon, without the mutually agreed upon escalation to that point, it's an insult.

That is how it is for the vast majority of women when sex is too rough the first time you take them to bed: it violates their expectations for how the sexual progression between two just-getting-acquainted people should go, and they take it as an insult.

 

The First Time Is Supposed to Be a "Getting-to-Know-You" Session

The first time you sleep with a girl it's about getting comfortable with each other.

It's a release for the seduction, and it's also a familiarizing process.

It can be fun and orgasmic. But it should not be super rough, super wild, or super kinky.

Why not? Because it's not supposed to be.

The progression goes like this:

1. First night in bed: both parties somewhat tentative. It might be a little awkward. It might be good. But it will be fairly basic, boring, and vanilla. Slap her butt perhaps, but not too hard. Grab her breasts, but don't squeeze too hard. Missionary position is fine. Doggy style is fine. Cowgirl is fine. Oral's okay, but make sure it's super willing. Don't do anal if you want to see her again. Don't choke her. Don't bite her. Don't twist her titties. Don't call her your "dirty slut." Probably don't pull her hair.

2. Second night in bed: still pretty basic, but you're more familiar with each other, and can start to branch out a little bit more. A few more positions, a little bit kinkier. Push her up against your glass shower door when you fuck her, or shag her in front of the mirror so she can watch you give it to her. Try holding her leg up while you give it to her standing up. You can try pulling her hair now.

3. Third night in bed: you can start testing out some rougher or kinkier stuff here -- but gently. Slap her butt hard. It could be okay to try anal with her here. If she's into or open to choking, and that's something you like (and know how to do responsibly), maybe you try that here -- again, starting very gently. If you like to bite, titty twist, pinch nipples, you can try some of that stuff here and see how she responds -- but ease into it, and even if she likes it, don't suddenly dial it up to 11.

4. Beyond: if she's sexually compatible with you, you can start ratcheting things up more. Again, this is a gradual process -- there is a process of trying stuff out with her, testing her limits, seeing what she enjoys, and escalating in a calibrated way.

See how that works?

It's not like you had a nice seduction, then you get her into bed for the first time and you're fucking her in the ass while smacking her ass cheeks hard enough to leave a welt as you pull on her hair like you're in a game of tug-of-war and call her your filthy little anal succubus, then reach around to choke her as she cums.

Even if she is apparently enjoying it, that is not the point.

The point is not "does she enjoy it in the moment."

The point is is it going to make her feel insulted when she reflects upon it later?

 

Rough First Sex and Buyer's Remorse

When first sex is too rough, and/or you do anything that makes a girl feel too much like a slut by having sex with you, you stand an excellent chance of triggering buyer's remorse, aka sex regret.

READ MORE: How to Prevent Sex Regret from Women You Sleep With

Buyer's remorse is really bad for you, for several important reasons.

I'll list them out below.

 

No Repeat Business

I can't tell you how many men I've had tell me over the years what a PHENOMENAL first night in bed they gave a girl... how breathless she was, how many orgasms, how much of an incredible experience she told them it was... and then she never agreed to see them again after that, and they could not figure out why.

A lot of the time the girl turns stone cold to them after. Huh?

If the only reason for her to see a man was to max out her physical pleasure, this wouldn't make sense.

But "last time's pleasure meter" is not the only thing going through her head when a woman thinks about seeing a man again.

She is also thinking about how the man makes her feel in general. If the first night they shared in bed together consisted of him treating her like he is an absolute sex expert, tossing around yet another female rag doll who has happened to wander into his bedchambers, doing all kinds of rough stuff to her, and dirty talking her, is she going to feel like she was special to this guy?

Or is she going to feel ashamed, like she was just another girl in a long line of them that this absolute sex pro is used to pumping on his sex assembly line?

There was an old comic I saw long ago captioned "How men really see women" (or maybe it was "Men's ideal woman") and it was just a pair of breasts atop a vagina and a set of legs with an ass hanging out the back. No head, no neck, no arms, just tits, pussy, legs, and ass. Too rough/wild/slutty sex the first night makes a woman feel like that.

When you are cavalier enough to break out the rough stuff and treat her like just another slut in a long line of sluts on your first night together, unless she herself is a wildly open-minded high count girl, and not necessarily even then, she is going to feel like just another slut in a long line of sluts for you.

Would she like to hop back onto your slut-pump assembly line for another slut-pumping?

You might have crafted an orgasm-filled, pleasure-and-pain-laden sextravaganza, but that is not enough to lure her back if she feels like she was treated like a throwaway hooker.

If the first night is too rough, or you do anything to make her feel like "just another slut" to you, she is going to feel like she was a disposable hooker for you, and she is not going to want a repeat -- no matter how good you THOUGHT you made it for her.

 

Men Ruled Out as Boyfriends

Another trend I have seen is that men who give women overly rough first sex, or first sex that gives a girl the "full slut experience", tend to be unable to convert these women into girlfriends later.

I have repeatedly seen guys complain how they give girls amazing sex, and have from the get-go, and the girl comes back for more but will not entertain the thought of having a serious relationship with them.

If the sex is that crazy the first time around, and she is left feeling like you are a sex maniac and that, to you, she is just another walking vagina, you are going to be completely out of the running for a long-term relationship with her. That is true even for most highly sexually experienced women as well.

No girl wants an LTR with a guy who sees her as a slut from the beginning.

She KNOWS such a man does not -- and will never -- really value her.

Or at least that is how it seems to her.

Is the truth different?

Maybe.

But she has no way to know what is in your head.

Your actions are the only reliable metric she has to go off of.

And your ACTIONS say "This girl's a slut." Would you go wild doing super rough stuff the first night in bed with the girl of your dreams who you were head-over-heels in-love with? I doubt it.

When you kick things off with rough, wild sex right away, it is like a big announcement that says "I will never view you as a girl I could have anything serious with."

 

False Rape Accusations

When I wrote my article on false rape accusations in 2014, there was one thing I did not realize, and that was how often FRAs included instances of guys engaging in rougher sex or escalations than the girl wanted or was ready for.

I knew about how often making a girl felt slutty (whether by accident or indifference) led to FRAs. I did not realize at the time how often rough escalations and rough sex played a role.

Should a man be accused of rape when the sex is consensual but it is rougher than the woman wanted or the guy made her feel like a slut?

I don't think he should be.

Can we say the guy was a perfect angel who took excellent care of the woman's emotions and left her without cause to try to get back at him some way or other?

Well, no, we cannot.

You've heard this saying, surely:

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

If you make a girl feel like too much of a slut your first night together, there is a very real chance she is going to feel scorned.

How scorned she feels depends on the girl. But there is a non-zero chance of her feeling scorned sufficiently to FRA you.

It is simply the case that when she reviews things in her head and feels like you did not care about her at all, were too rough with her, and treated her like a slut, she will feel really bad about it, like you did her a grave injustice, and may seek to right that wrong through an accusation (whether by gossiping to others in your social circle or by accusing you to the authorities).

As I've gotten more familiar with false rape accusations, I've realized quite a lot of them contain this too-rough or too-much-slut-treatment sex, often on the first night together.

Men are doing it either because they want to or they think women enjoy it.

Women, on the other hand, are feeling treated like spurned cheap whores and accuse the man of rape to assuage their own cognitive dissonance -- or because their friends, or the veil of time, has actually convinced them that "consensual sex that is too rough or that made me feel too slutty = rape."

Obviously this is not close to the same thing as a man jumping out onto the jogging path, grabbing a woman at knifepoint, and dragging her into the bushes to ravish her as she tries to fight him off and scream.

That these two very different phenomenon are lumped together as the same analogous crime is one of the great tragedies of our time.

Nevertheless, if a woman feels scorned, she is going to use whatever tools are at her disposal to undo that, and one of the tools at her disposal is a rape accusation.

 

Your Intentions Don't Matter; Your Actions Do

This is very, very important:

It does not matter what your true intentions were.

Perhaps your true intentions were to show her an amazing time.

Perhaps the ONLY thought in your head was, "Women like a man who takes charge. Women love to be pleased. I'm going to use all the tools I have access to... rough sex, dirty talk, the WORKS... and I am going to give this woman the most amazing sexual experience of her life."

You may have had nothing but the noblest of thoughts in your head.

Your thoughts and intentions don't matter, because they are invisible to her.

The only thing she sees are your actions, and the way she interprets your actions is going to come down to how she interprets actions in general:

• Some women are charitable, and may give you the benefit of the doubt

• Some women are inward lookers, and will blame themselves for something you did that they did not like (e.g., they will say to themselves, "What did I do to make him think that would be okay?")

• Other women have an external locus of control, and when you do something they dislike, they will blame YOU. They may make uncharitable assumptions about your motivations and think you behaved that way because you just cared about "getting yours" and they were just another throwaway slut to you

You have no say on how a woman views events.

You only have control over the events she experiences with you.

If you give her stuff that can possibly be interpreted as you not respecting her, some women are going to take that to mean you don't respect them.

Plan accordingly.

 

You're Not a Stud for Rough Sexing Her the First Night

If you make a girl gag on your cock before fucking her in the ass while twisting her tits so hard they almost reach her back the very first night you sleep with her, it is not like you have now become some kind of über lover in her brain.

Remember, people think about themselves a lot more than they think about you.

So if you are fucking her like that, on your first night together, which is almost always about two unfamiliar people acquainting themselves with one another's bodies and preferences, affectionately yet somewhat carefully, but you are doing this whole other porn star / hooker-and-john act, she is going to be asking herself, "What is he thinking about me to be DOING this such rough/wild sex and/or treating me like such an enormous slut?"

The answer she is probably going to come back with is, "He does not respect me and thinks I'm an enormous slutbag."

She probably does not view herself as an enormous slutbag, so it's an insult.

She doesn't view you as a stud for this, either.

I have talked to girls who've had experiences like this, and the way the guy is almost always framed is as a guy the girl regrets hooking up with. Sometimes it is paired with "he seemed really nice" or "I didn't know he was like that" but the sexual experience soured them on him completely.

I have even asked some of them, "Did you cum with him?" and had women tell me yes but they felt gross about it later and they don't know why they did.

(once or twice I've had girls tell me stories about a first night with a guy like this where they really enjoyed it, where the guy just jumped right into rough stuff and it was magical -- usually it was after a very sexual seduction where the guy had paced and led them to that point though... they'd already talked about BDSM, the girl knew what she was about to get into and wanted it, etc. In other words, her expectations were properly managed -- unlike what is happening with most girls when porn sex is suddenly thrust upon them in the very first encounter)

I've also heard from girls about stud boyfriends they had, who fucked them really well, did a lot of rough stuff with them, dirty talked them, etc. I have done that plenty with girls myself. I've had girlfriends who loved being slapped on the ass HARD (hard enough to leave handprints long after the sex is done)... who liked having their tits twisted hard... who liked being bitten, being fucked super hard, having their nipples twisted, hair pulled back nigh hard enough to give them whiplash, sometimes wanted to be slapped in the face, loved dirty talk, loved getting used and abused, and so on.

I won't do any of that stuff with a girl the first night though.

Sure, there are a handful of girls out there who like that the first night. But unless a girl makes it really clear to me that is what she is looking for, I am going to assume she is one of the vast, vast majority of women who will take it as an insult if I start that with her on Night #1, because we haven't escalated our sexual relationship to that point yet.

If you want her to remember you as her dream stud, you are almost certainly not going to do that with a single night.

Even that super sexy guy she hooked up with on vacation and still reminisces about all those years later did not do that with her the first night. They spent three or four nights together on her vacation, and it was the third or fourth night where things got truly steamy.

That is simply how sexual relationships go -- unless she is in that tiny sliver of a minority where she is just down for whatever the first night and doesn't care a lick how you view her, you need to escalate to the point where rough sex and "the slut treatment" will not cause offense -- it is an escalation of trust and familiarity as much as it is an escalation of sexual antics.

No matter how you cut it, that is almost always going to take multiple sexual encounters spread across multiple days.

You can't hurry love, Phil Collins's mama told him.

Just so, you can't hurry rough sex.

If you do, expect that she is not likely to view it the way you do, or the way you intend her to.

Escalate to it, instead.

You will both have a better experience, and you will keep her safe from the self-doubt and used/buyer's remorse feelings she might otherwise have, while keeping yourself safe from gossip, rumors, character assassinations, and decidedly uncool courtroom cases.

Be the truly pleasurable lover -- not the rough porno guy.

Porno isn't real.

In real life, we seduce.

Chase