Don't Chicken Out with Women; "Next Time" Never Comes

There are many common errors men make in dating. These errors sabotage in small ways or large ways with women. The errors put guys through endless frustrations... usually of their own doing.

We'll talk about an error today in the way guys often think about "next time." Because it's sort of a big one, but it's likely one you won't stop to reconsider too often.

If you sift back through your memories, I bet you will find instances where you thought "I'll do it next time." See a beautiful girl? "I'll talk to her next time." Talk to beautiful girl? "I'll ask her out next time." On a date with beautiful girl? "I'll ask her home next time." Home alone with beautiful girl? "I'll make a move on her next time." As soon as you read these, I know you know the thoughts are counterproductive. If you're like most men, you still have them sometimes anyway though, don't you?

What's not included are the 'next time' thoughts you don't have. Like "That girl rejected me, but I'll get it next time." Or "My approach sucked. Next time will be better." Or "It's all gone tits-up with this girlfriend. But I'll do things right with my next one."

Men have these 'positive next time' thoughts far less often than they should. Yet they are a key to staying sane in the moment, and heading off neediness before it crops up.

 

Helpful vs. Harmful 'Next Times'

How can you tell if 'next time' self-talk is good for you or bad for you?

The easiest metric is this:

• If you let yourself off the hook for something you haven't done but should do, it's bad

• If you let yourself off the hook for something you have already tried to do yet failed at, it's good

Very simple. If you tried to do it and it didn't work, "next time" is okay. If you didn't try to do it even though you feel you should, "next time" is how you slink out, tail between your legs.

Most people spend far too much time in the moment letting themselves off the hook for inaction... and beating themselves up for actions they did take, which fail.

It's almost topsy-turvy when you think about it.

While, often, later on, you may beat yourself up for having failed to take action you failed to take, and, later on, you may feel glad you took action you did, in the moment it can be quite different.

In the moment, guys often cut themselves slack for not doing anything, while beating themselves up when they do do something.

Which is... sort of nuts, right?

If you want to get anywhere with the opposite sex, you must take action. Usually, you must take more action than you're used to taking, and you must move faster as you do it.

Yet, there is this bug in normal human psychology that relieves us for not taking action we need to take in the moment. Meanwhile, it beats us up for taking action it's good we took if that action doesn't perfectly work out.

I'm sure there are good sociological or evolutionary reasons for these tendencies. It doesn't matter what those are though. Because these tendencies do not help you in many modern romantic settings.

If you want to get somewhere with women today, you have to learn to silence that inner voice that encourages you to chicken out... and to silence that equally troublesome voice that scolds you for action you do take that fails.

Because usually, in today's world, these voices are wrong, on both counts. That is to say, when you fail to take action because "I'll do it next time", most of the time there is no next time. Yet, when the voice scolds you as if you've well and truly blown it, very often there's a next time in your near future, and you've not blown a thing.

 

No More Chickening Out

That's what it is, isn't it?

It's not fun to say it.

But every time you're with a girl, and you want to make a move, and you feel like she may want you to make a move, and that voice chimes in and you back off with a "Next time. Next time I will," that's what you've done, right?

You chickened out. You took the scaredy-cat exit.

There is a certain amount of bravery required in dating. No matter how 'obvious' a woman makes her interest, there's always some degree of a leap of faith when you make a move.

Sure, it might go well. But she might also act like "What are you doing?" She might recoil from you. She might blow up in your face! Or she might think you're a weirdo and scamper out of there.

I can't recall ever having a girl blow up at me for making a move. But the other stuff can happen. She can recoil. She can act like it's a shock. She might get awkward and leave soon thereafter. It happens. And it's also somewhat unpredictable when it happens.

No matter what anyone else tells you, sometimes women who give you every sign of interest in the book will act surprised and weirded out when you go for them. Other times women who show precisely zero interest in you will get right into it the moment you make a bold move. You can guess, and you can make predictions, but you will never be right every single time. This lack of perfect predictability, and inclusion of uncomfortable randomness, means escalation always requires courage.

And because it always requires courage, there will always be a little voice that tells you "It's okay to wait for next time!"

Well, not always. When you're on a roll and you're doing well with women and you're sharp and on-point, that voice goes away (mostly). Although it can still pop up in situations where you feel less comfortable than normal.

For the most part however, that voice will always be with you.

Sometimes it legitimately IS better to wait!

Sometimes you may want to use date compression rather than charge ahead to first-date sex. Sometimes a woman is not ready to sit with you, or change venues, or agree to a date just yet (but will later). These are normal, reasonable parts of the courtship process.

Most of the time though, when you listen to this voice, you never get that next chance. Ask yourself, how many times have you told yourself "Next time I'll do it" and then actually done it next time? Compare that to the number of times you've told yourself "next time" and nothing ever happened after that.

"Next time" most of the time might as well be "no time."

Now, when it actually isn't time for a thing yet, and it truly is better to wait, you will feel that during the courtship.

This last minute voice that pops up, right as you're about to do something, is not that. Instead, it's a sort of male equivalent to last minute resistance. It's a thing that pops up into what was a previously clear, made-up mind, to urge a complete, panicked 180-degree turn. "Wait, abort what you're doing! Because... we can do it next time instead!"

This voice is not giving you measured counsel. It is causing you to self-sabotage, because there probably will not be a "next time."

This nagging voice is not limited to seduction. You'll feel it with other things too. I've felt it before every fistfight I've had. I've felt this voice before I answered important commitment points with girlfriends. I've felt it before particularly risky answers with law enforcement, bosses, and teachers. That voice is always there, ready to tell you to drop the action you'd already decided to do and slink out through the coward's exit instead.

The thing these scenarios all have in mind is they are (or seem) 'dangerous'. That voice urging you to give up your action and slink away is one of self-preservation. It wants to protect you from risky outcomes. Just do it later, it tells you. Of course, later usually doesn't come.

But with courtship, are the outcomes ever really all that risky?

There are crazy worst-case scenarios, of course. Even these though have known risk factors and are reasonably avoidable if you know those factors and mind them.

For the most part though, risks are overblown.

If you make a move and she rejects you, big damn deal!

Persist and try again later. Or move on and meet someone else.

The tough part though is how do you get that little voice to listen to this? Because that voice doesn't hang around to engage in rational dialogue with you. It's silent 99% of the time, and only emerges, in a panic, when you're about to do something 'risky'.

Clearly, this isn't something you can logic your way out of.

Instead, you need to condition yourself to not listen to that risky panic voice.

How do you do that? Learn to stick to your guns when that voice kicks off its dissent.

You've already thought things through.

You made a decision based on the information available to you. That's as good as it gets from a decision-making perspective.

It helps if, during calmer moments, you review the times that voice has chimed in and messed things up for you. And remind yourself that what that voice is is your inner coward's voice.

No shame in that. Unless you're a psychopath, you have that voice. We all do.

However, the difference between cowardly men who don't get what they want, and courageous men who do, comes down to whether they abandon ship when that voice starts its panicking, or whether they stay the course.

Reflect on it. Remember when this voice has chimed in for you, and what the outcome's been. And urge yourself the next time you hear it to ignore this voice and continue on the course you've set for yourself.

It is possible to do this. Every time the voice wins and it causes you to back down from doing something you needed to do, review the ultimate outcome (was it good you listened to that voice, or was it a mistake?), and remind yourself again.

With enough reminders, you will start to override that voice.

You will adopt the mantra of "when in doubt, forge ahead."

And once that happens, all sorts of scenarios that flummox normal men will start to work out fine for you.

 

When It's Helpful to Think "Next Time"

Do you know when it's actually helpful to think about the next time?

When you take action and it doesn't work.

For instance:

• You approach a girl and open her but she blows you off

• You get into a conversation with a girl but it never clicks

• You try to get a phone number from a girl but she says no

• You set up a date with a girl but she flakes

• You go for compliance with a girl but she turns you down

• You invite a woman home but she declines

• You try to kiss a girl but get her cheek

• You escalate to sex but get stopped with LMR

• You sleep with a girl but she won't see you again

• You start a relationship but at some point the girl vanishes

• You have a girlfriend but a year in she dumps you or cheats

... and so on. Plenty more examples like this.

What's the typical thing for you to do in any of these situations? Obsess over the situation.

But what's the most productive thing to do in such a situation?

Very brief analysis of what you did wrong, followed by a swift move to 'next time'.

Let's say you approached a cute girl on the street and opened her but she blew you off. The average inexperienced guy at this point slips into self-doubt: "Did I come off weird? Am I not attractive enough? Did I say something funny? Was my voice too quiet or too harsh?" He then drops into this ruminative mood, and the rest of his outing will likely suck.

What if you did only a quick analysis, then switched to thoughts of next time? Then it'd be more like this: "Hmm, that might've been due to me coming in from the side and startling her a bit too much. I should try to use a little pre-opening on my next approach. All right, let's focus on the next girl now."

Guy A spends 20 minutes mulling over this girl who blew him off. Then a bum mood follows him around for the next four hours like toilet paper on his shoe until he gives up and goes home.

But Guy B spends six seconds mulling over this girl who blew him off. He then moves on as much as he can mentally (somewhat determined by how much resilience to rejection he's built up over time), and focuses on the next girl. When he meets her, he even has something new to try (whatever he concluded might have been off with his last approach), so the approach feels fresh and he's eager to see if he's got it this time.

It is like this with everything, and this approach works with everything, where you took some action and it just didn't work.

If you try to kiss her and only get her cheek, don't drop into a funk. Give it a quick 10-second analysis, come up with an idea about something else to try next time, then move yourself to 'next time'. That might mean getting yourself in position for your next kiss attempt with this same gal, or it might mean moving on to meet a new one.

What works for the approach works for the relationship, too. If she breaks up with you, do a little analysis to figure out as much of the cause as you can figure out. Then, switch your focus to next time. For your next girlfriend, you'll do D and E and F different, based on lessons from this current girlfriend. You could also make it clear to this girlfriend who just broke up that you'll do these things differently, then follow through and do them. But do be careful getting back together with exes. Lots of trouble there...

Anyway, the chief aspect of this process is you stop the analysis after the first 5 or 10 seconds. You do enough to figure out a quick thing to try with the next girl (or with your next attempt with the same girl), then you move on to that next one.

If you linger longer than that, you'll slide into rumination, and sabotage the rest of your date or outing.

If you don't linger at all, you'll do the 'robotic approacher' thing where the guy gets rejected, does zero introspection, then does the same exact thing again and gets rejected the same way again, does zero introspection again, does the same exact thing again, gets rejected again, and so on and so forth. This guy gets to be doubt-free, but at the price of improving his results at glacial speed.

Do do a little analysis.

But cut that analysis short before it hamstrings you... and move onto the next woman, or the next (sufficiently different) attempt with the same woman.

 

When There's a Next Time

There is a next time when you're taking action.

When you're taking action, even if the action you take fails, you can always try again. You can switch things up, and try with another woman, or try something different with the same woman.

If you'll stick with the same woman, the next attempt you make should be different enough that it feels like a next time to you. For instance, if you're seated on the sofa with her and pull her in for a kiss but she pushes you off and acts weird, try something different next. Next, in another five or 10 minutes, don't try to pull her in. Instead, build a compliance ladder to the kiss: tell her to sit on your lap, and when she does, tell her to rub her nose against yours, and when she does that, tell her to put her fingers in your hair and close her eyes. Then kiss her. Or, instead of that, have her get up and start to dance with you in the middle of your apartment, in an over-the-top ballroom dancing fashion. Then dip her, and kiss her when you bring her up from the dip. Do something sufficiently different, and it will feel like a next time for you both.

If you won't stick with the same woman, then come up with a tweak to make, and go meet another gal. Make your slight adjustment, and try again.

There is not a next time, however, the vast majority of the time when, just before you take an action, the fear bubbles up inside of you and you abort for no good reason. She was ready to sit with you, but you got scared and decided to wait until next time? There won't be a next time, most likely. She was ready to accompany you home, where she'd have fallen into bed with you, and maybe become your friend-with-benefits or girlfriend? But you, ready to invite her, chickened out at the last possible moment? Odds are that was the only moment you'd get, and 'next time' isn't coming.

The "no next time when you chicken out" rule is one I've had to relearn repeatedly throughout my seduction career, usually any time I got a little rusty (which, hey, if you meet enough great women, and those women tend to stick around, it's hard to stay motivated to be constantly in the field all the time, no matter how driven you are). The bad news is you don't ever get so certain of yourself you're immune from ever chickening out again with 100% certainty. The good news is once you realize chickening out is a problem and solve it, it's one of those "just like riding a bike" things. You get a little rusty, then start to get back in the swing of things, chicken out a few times with a few girls, remember the ironclad rule of "he who chickens out forever loses the girl", recall that it's always been one of the most important rules, and you stop chickening out and are back at your old level of results again.

Just remember... burn it into your cortex:

So long as you're taking action, there's always a next time.

But there is no next time for men who chicken out.

Don't chicken out.

Any time you get that sudden urge to chicken out and "wait until next time" with a woman (or in any situation) where your mind was already made up, you should probably ignore that, and follow through on your plan regardless.

Save the 'next time' talk for when you've actually done a thing and it didn't work out perfect. Then you can think about 'next time' -- because at that point, next time just might actually work.

Yours,

Chase Amante