Do Girls Just Blow You Off When You Try to Approach?

When some guys start cold-approaching girls, they go through a stage of “girls just blow me off.” Let’s explore why that’s happening and the brain hacks needed to fix it.

On the Girls Chase forums, a user posted about his struggles with day game, a common issue for newbies. I’ll break it down into chunks so that you can learn the art of day game along with him.

So, if women are blowing you off before you even have a chance to get anywhere, thank Merchant's-Kin for bringing up the topic!

Here's the first part of Merchant's-Kin's post:

“Been struggling quite a bit with street game, because I can’t even stop a girl consistently while keeping without my heart racing, etc. (that’s where I’m at). There isn’t even an opportunity to test openers because I can’t stop girls consistently. They just blow me off.”

This is the beginning stage of learning cold approach: overcoming approach anxiety. It’s also the point where most men quit, right at the starting line.

 

Overcome Your Anxiety

First, check your internal voice: “I can’t,” “They just blow me off,” etc. Although this may be factual, it’s negative thinking. If you’re going to survive the newbie stage and move on, you need to adjust your expectations and take on a positive mindset. Pessimism is of no use.

Be very proud that you can face your fear and take action regardless of your doubt and insecurity. The anxiety is the feeling of the inner baby girl leaving your body.

The rule of state transference states: “Whatever you feel, she feels.” So if you’re approaching with a “heart racing,” state, it will be written all over you. You’re obviously terrified, which to the girl signals something is wrong. “Why would he be nervous just talking to me? Is he crazy?”

So, she’ll make an excuse: “Sorry, I have to go.”

There are all sorts of rejections, some harsh, others soft. They can feel humiliating, so why would you want to subject yourself to countless embarrassing rejections?

Because the more you practice, the less anxiety you feel. The less anxious you are, the more attracted women will be.

If you believe that approaching is fun, natural, and normal, so will she. If you think it’s scary, weird, intrusive, awkward, and manipulative, so will she.

 

Believe in the Process

You must believe in the process. If you keep practicing, for weeks, months, or even years, eventually you’ll become confident. Women find this attractive. Your rejections will not only mean less; they will happen less often.

The act of changing your inner game is impressive. Focus on being a superior man. Rather than lamenting your insecurities, lean forward into your pain, and just do it.

No risk, no reward. Be the creator of your destiny, rather than the victim of your fears.

 

What's a Street Stop Supposed to Look Like Anyway?

Merchant's-Kin continued by describing his current day game approach process.  I'll quote him and comment on what he might do to to improve at each stage:

"In my mind, the process for a side stop is like this.

1. I walk down the street, pretending to mind my own business, and look far and ahead for girls I’m attracted to."

Sounds fine. But also look behind, beside, above, and underneath.

"2. I see a girl I’m attracted to from a distance and walk normally. So far, I’m avoiding eye contact. I can look in her direction, but then I’ll look beyond her instead of making eye contact."

It’s fine to make eye contact. Especially if you want to do a frontal stop. You can grab her attention with a hand wave, a big smile, or just start talking. There are countless ways to stop a girl.

If you’re worried about giving eye contact, try an eye contact experiment. Spend the day walking around a busy area, just making and holding eye contact with women. Try to get a smile out of them.

"3. I act normal and pretend to be intending to walk past her as I walk past her."

You don’t need to “act” normal. Just “be” normal. I think what you mean is “manage my nervousness.” You can do this by clearing your mind of thoughts, and breathe deeply to slow your heart rate.

Neither must you pretend to walk past her. You just see the girl and decide to approach her, whether you’re crapping your panties or not.

You won’t fool her any more than you fool yourself. You’re hitting on her, and she knows it.

"4. I summon the guts to do the side stop and do it immediately because if I wait too long, the heat of proximity will fade, and I find I’m unable to smile genuinely."

Don’t summon your guts. Become thoughtless. Do, don’t think.

When you jump off a cliff into crystal waters, you don’t summon courage. You just step forward and leap. Because if you think, you freeze, and then you hit the rocks and die.

You’re caught up in the details — side, behind, above.

This is all technique. As a newbie, focus on getting in front of women and flapping your gums. Your emotional state must shift from one of excited nervousness, to calm confidence.

Pay attention to your breathing. Take long, slow, deep breaths, and say to yourself, “calm.” All the technical details will come much later after you’ve learned to relax in front of women.

"5. I prepare the sexual intent/mischief that allows me to put a smile on my face when I do the side stop."

I guess you’re trying some internal mindset stuff to alter your emotional state. You’re not able to smile because you don’t feel happy; you feel terrified, awkward, and embarrassed.

What you really need is a win: one girl to give you a little validation, so that you feel a reward for facing your fear, rather than an impending punishment like rejection or humiliation.

"6. I actually execute the side stop with all the correct positioning. There are a couple more steps involved."

I detail approach angles in my book, I Hope it’s Sunny Out. Or you can read this article for some great insights. Angles can be important (for not freaking her out, mainly), but focusing on them too much can bog down your mind.

"7. I deal with more fears somewhere along the path of the above steps. If I do all seven steps correctly, I stop the girl more than half the time. But then my heart is racing. I no longer have my cool, and then whatever follows is so easy to mess up."

Again, this goes back to emotional conditioning. You’re doing the right thing by just doing your daily approaches. Keep doing it, and eventually, you will calm down.

Rather than focusing on the 7-step method, focus on being in the present moment, with your fears, anxieties, and all. Accept that this is part of the process, and there’s nothing wrong with being nervous.

Your issue is outcome dependence.

 

Outcome Dependence

You want to have a perfect performance and a perfect reaction. But you’re learning a skill not unlike the guitar, or computer programming. You must let go of technique and improvise. Play to fail; see what happens.

“I feel like I’m struggling because there are so many steps involved just to stop the girl. I would assume the process for street game would be something like:

1. Perform the stop
2. Deliver the opener
3. Start some form of thread amplification
4. I haven’t even thought about what’s next.”

At this stage, you shouldn’t think about what’s next. You’re a newbie. Just focus on talking to as many women as possible, calming your nerves, and moving forward from there.

You can sprinkle in technique, theory, and all that. But until you master your emotions, you’ll suffer from temporary memory loss.

 

Don’t Overthink It

Most men suffer from “overthinking.” Instead of communicating on an emotional level with their “vibe,” they consider women as automatons that react to a precise series of inputs.

Pickup is more art than science. Having technical knowledge is critical, but no more so than intuition. Sometimes the best practice is to “go with the flow,” or “let it go and see what happens.”

“The main assumption I have is that if I just keep practicing (I’m aware that it has to be quality practice), let’s say I do it with full quality 100–200 times. If I’ve successfully done that, will there be some kind of muscle memory that allows me not to think about this part of the process anymore?”

Something like that, yes, but not really muscle memory. This isn’t archery. You’ll build a series of reference points, and unconscious competence, or skill.

No pain, no gain. To gain muscle, that means physical pain. To gain pickup skills, that means emotional pain. Pain means it's working.

 

Path to Mastery

The path to mastery looks like this:

1. Unconscious incompetence (I don’t know what I don’t know)

2. Conscious incompetence (I know I suck)

3. Conscious competence (I totally don’t suck)

4. Unconscious competence (That used to be an issue? Why?)

Merchant's-Kin continues:

“If I fk up in one of the above seven steps to a side stop, or if the environment presents an awkward situation, it’s no longer a quality stop. And it’s so easy to mess up one of the seven steps. Sometimes, it’s not even my fault; it’s a difficult environment. And then I gradually lose social momentum after three fk ups, and my mood goes downhill.”

This is all irrelevant, mental masturbation. Men who are good at game don’t have a series of steps in our heads. We have an intuition, reference memories, confidence, and an ability to improvise, calibrate, and compromise. All that comes after making enough mistakes and gaining enough reference points.

Our goal is always in mind, whether it’s to get a phone number, a date, or sex. This is what attracts the woman to us. We know what to do, and when to do it, because we’ve made every mistake possible, and learned from them.

 

Learn from Your Mistakes

You can’t learn by avoiding mistakes; you need to seek them out. That’s science. Find all possible errors, make them, and then dissect those mistakes.

“Is just practice and many fk ups (I’m guessing 300–400) necessary to achieve this milestone? I would appreciate any advice or ideas.”

At your stage, yes.

 

And Have Fun!

You can’t put a number on it. There’s no quantifiable number. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. Expect this process to be for the long haul. And if it’s too hard, takes too long, there’s always a nice river where you can go fishing with your dog.

This game’s not for everyone. It’s a long hard road. But it’s also incredibly fun. Most new guys take things way too seriously. What do girls want? Girls just want to have fun. Remember that.

Tony