The Best Defense Is... No Defense

In competitive endeavors, it’s important to maintain a stout defense. Whether discussing military operations, or man-to-man combat, or sports matches, or guarding a company’s secrets against industrial espionage, it is of vital importance to have a strong, effective defense protecting oneself from one’s opponents.

But seduction is not a military operation. Nor are relationships competitive sports matches. And a lot of guys don’t seem to get this.

Women will press for things, from the time you first meet them, to the moment you part ways with them, whether that is after one night or it’s after a multi-year relationship (and sometimes, they’ll press for things long after you’ve parted ways with them!). It is in the nature of woman’s relationship with man to do this; men are in the position of leadership in the relationship, and women petition them for what they want and desire.

Most men don’t see it this way, though. Because most men don’t feel in control. So what most men do, when their women begin to press them, is they defend themselves. They defend themselves as they would against an opponent who wants to hurt them and destroy them, or take from them or manipulate them – because that’s how they view it. They perceive women’s attempts to petition to have their wants and needs met as attacks, and they defend against these perceived attacks as though they are in danger.

Women see this combative, defensive stance taken by men, and react to it: a woman presses harder, sensing that she has the man on his heels; she sees that he is not in control of the relationship, and she transforms her pressing into full-on attacks. Whereas before she wasn’t actually attacking to get what she wanted, the man simply perceived it that way; once she detects that weakness, that sign that he sees her as a threat, as something that he needs to defend against, she will begin to view herself as a threat to him, and to view him as a man she must oppose.

It isn’t actually women who create this combative dynamic. It is the men who retreat and defend in the face of women’s pressing who create the combative dynamic.

I’ll give you a few examples of what I mean:

Girl: You don’t look like my type.

Guy: What do you mean? Why not?

Here, the man gets defensive and reactionary, asking the woman to explain herself. What’s the effect? The woman thinks more about why this guy isn’t her type, and fleshes out her reasoning. What might have been an off-the-cuff remark before is now cemented.

Here’s another:

Girl: I don’t think this is working out.

Guy: You haven’t even been trying lately!

In this example, the man reacted to the woman’s pressing by becoming accusatory – “It’s your fault,” he seems to say, leveling the blame on his woman. Now she’ll feel put on the defensive, and she’ll also feel like he can’t handle her pressure – now, suddenly, she views him as a far weaker man.

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So being reactionary doesn’t work. Nor does getting accusatory. Or going on the defensive. So how do you address being pressed by a woman on something? Let’s give a few more examples – this time, where the man is doing things right:

Girl: You don’t look like my type.

Guy: That’s too bad. Want to know what I think about types?

Girl: What?

Guy: I’ll let you know when I make my mind up. So if you had to pick a type, what would your type be like?

Girl: Sexy, sophisticated, and dark-haired.

Guy: Hmm, well… sexy and sophisticated perhaps, but I guess I come up short in the dark hair department. So much for my plans for us to run off and get married on top of a mountain and start making beautiful babies.

Notice the trend there? The woman presses the man, and he takes something that seems negative and turns it into a positive – talking about the two of them running off together romantically and having children.

One more example of the right way of doing this:

Girl: I don’t think this is working out.

Guy: I understand… things can be pretty hard with a guy like me.

Girl: I just feel like you aren’t very serious about this relationship.

Guy: I’ve given a lot for this relationship. I care about you very much. I understand if you feel like it isn’t moving as fast as you want it to; for me it often feels like it’s moving too fast. So I guess we’re a bit different in that regards, but in other ways we’re such a good fit I’m not ready to walk away from this.

When women press like this in relationships, it’s often because they feel neglected, ignored, or not heard. So it’s important to communicate two things: first, that you do care about her, and are investing in the relationship, and second, that you hear her and understand her and get her. It’s important that you do these things in a very matter-of-fact way that avoids coming across as defensive in the least. Everything should sound objective and balanced coming out of you; you must retain your calm and your control. Women are paying the most attention to your reaction. Men who flip out and become emotionally compromised display their weakness. Men who remain calm and in-control display their strength.

Notice that in both earlier (wrong) examples, the man becomes defensive and (in the second case) goes on a counterattack. While in the later (correct) examples, the man does not defend himself, except in a very neutral, set-the-record-straight way in the second later example, and he never becomes emotional or accusatory or is knocked off balance (unlike the man who asks “Why?” or “How can you say that?” or “What do you mean?”).

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Succeeding in trying situations requires a bit of patience, and the ability to read between the lines and see what’s really motivating a woman to press you. It’s usually that she’s uncertain about you or your motives (if you’ve just met her), or insecure about the relationship or feels neglected (if you’ve been seeing her awhile). Taking things personal and getting defensive won’t help the situation – it’ll only hurt it.

The best defense with women, then, is no defense. Rather than defend, instead focus on understanding and working toward a cooperative solution. All may be fair in love and war, but love is not war – and romance should not be treated as a battlefield. Both a seduction and a relationship are a joint effort – minimize wall-building defensiveness and maximize understanding-based cooperation, and you’ll be doing better than just about every other man out there.

Chase