How do you know whether you’re dating a woman or just hooking up? It’s hard to tell sometimes, and this confusion can really foul up whatever it is you have going on.
Dating a woman in 2020 can be confusing. With the popularity of hookup apps, dating sites, and even cold approach, combined with a sexually liberal culture, who’s to know when you’re actually dating versus just hooking up?
You’d think it's always the man who aims for a hookup. But it’s not always like that. I remember when I lost my virginity at the sweet age of 15. She was 17 and had these mega-yummy huge bazoingas. For some reason, she decided we had to bang and dragged me off to her seduction location.
Following my first sexual encounter, I was ecstatic. Now I finally had a girlfriend, I figured, imagining all the sex and good times I was going to have with her. But she had different ideas. The more I pursued her, the less I heard from her. This was before texting, so she just didn’t answer the phone or return voice messages.
After a few weeks, I got the hint. She didn’t want a boyfriend. She just wanted to have a hookup. It was disappointing because I didn’t know when I’d ever get another girl, but that’s life. After she slept with me, she did half the guys in town. She just loved sex — or hated her dad.
Some women will want a relationship, and others will just want a good time. When you’re inexperienced, telling the difference can be tough. So in this guide, I’m going to help you out.
Dating a Woman vs. Hooking Up with Her
1. The Time You Spend Together
When you’re dating a woman, you’ll spend a lot more time with her.
You can take two people who have very little in common, make them live in the same house, and their shared experiences will become their commonality. So if you want to keep a girl as a casual hookup, limit the time you spend with her. Relationships build more on shared experiences than common interests.
If you want to just hook up with a girl, keep it at that. She comes over, or you go to her place, you hook up, and that’s it. When you’re done, you separate. You’re not technically dating a woman in this case, because you’re not looking for a more intimate relationship. You just want to hook up.
If you’re wondering whether she wants a deeper relationship or just sex, analyze her actions. Does she rush out the door after sex? Or does she hint that she wants to stick around after? Does she want to go out and do things with you, like go for coffee or walks in the park? Or does she only arrive for a quick hangout, sex, and then make an excuse to get rid of you?
These tells can indicate the sort of relationship she’s after.
2. Meeting Friends
If you’re just hooking up and not dating, you shouldn’t be meeting each other’s friends.
Since most people aren’t cold approach artists, this can be tricky. Most people meet through school, family, or work. So often it’s impossible to avoid spending time together with friends.
Once she’s met them, if your friends like her, she’ll become part of the gang. First, she’ll be added to all their social media, then not knowing any better, your friends will be inviting her to parties, picnics, and touch football games.
If you want things to remain casual, keep her far, far away from your friends.
If you’re dating a woman and she never lets you meet her friends, chances are you’re just hooking up. If you want to weasel your way more into her life, go out of your way to meet and charm her friends. If they like you, they’ll be all like, “Oh, hey, where’s that awesome guy you’re dating? You should bring him out more. He’s so cool!”
Women are far more susceptible to being swayed by their friends and family’s opinions, so use that to your advantage.
3. Talking About Feelings
A big difference between dating a woman and hooking up is talking about your feelings.
If you want to keep things casual, don’t go too deep into sharing each other’s values, or you’ll develop a much deeper connection. This could be your ambitions, dreams, desires, fears, insecurities, passions. The same goes for her side. The more you share, the more you’ll feel.
A deeper connection isn’t a bad thing if you’re trying to move from casual to serious. Perhaps you want to turn your sex buddy into a girlfriend, then by all means, keep sharing your feelings. It’s fine to show some vulnerability, but if you show too much insecurity, you risk coming off as needy or weak.
And if you reveal too many passions or ambitions and fail to realize them, you won’t be a man of your word. This may lower her attraction for you in the long run.
4. Cuddling
When you cuddle, there’s a hormone that’s released called oxytocin. It regulates that lovey-dovey feeling of warmth and connection. If you want to maintain distance in your relationship, keep the cuddling to a minimum when dating a woman.
If you want to create stronger bonds and intimacy or have the girl fall in love with you, cuddling is one of the easiest ways to do so.
That doesn’t mean you can’t cuddle someone you’re just hooking up with. Just be aware that women are much more susceptible to oxytocin than men. They’re more likely to experience strong feelings and emotional attachment.
If you’re dating a very cuddly woman, it’s hard to pull your affection away. But if you’re trying to remain hookup partners only, being more emotionally distant is the right thing to do.
It's hard to maintain distance with a cuddler. Indeed, it gets harder every minute. (Pun intended.)
The same can be said for hand-holding, hugging, and other forms of physical touch outside the bedroom. Hand-holding is particularly intimate. It can send the signal that you want to be her boyfriend. So if you don’t want that, I suggest not holding hands.
5. Shared Experience
When you’re dating a woman for a more serious, long-term relationship, you want to develop shared experiences outside of the bedroom. When you’re just hooking up, you probably won’t go much further than the bedroom.
Women love sex as much if not more than men. But women put more emphasis on the emotional aspects of dating, outside of pure physical attraction. A trip to the coffee shop may just be a trip together for coffee to him, but for her, the contents of that experience matter. She will think about what you talked about, how you touched or didn’t touch, and so on.
If you’re dating a woman, you may take her to parties, the beach, nice restaurants, on bike rides, and vacations. These are things you can still do with a hookup, but you’ll send the wrong message, which can lead her to think you want something more. So even though it’s fun to have a part-time girlfriend to do things with outside the bedroom, it’s not always responsible, as she’s likely to develop feelings for you.
Bonus Signs
Public Displays of Affection
If you’re dating a woman and want to make her your girlfriend, start kissing her, holding her hand, and showing her off to your friends in public. She’ll take the hint.
I used to have a hookup friend, and I’d go for walks with her and her dog. She wanted to be my girlfriend, so she’d try to hold my hand. I held her hand for a minute, but when I pulled away, she’d get upset. I realized I’d made two mistakes:
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Going for walks
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Holding her hand in public
Both of these were tactics on her part to get a commitment out of me.
If you want to remain casual, avoid public displays of affection.
Sleepovers
I’ve let casual girls sleep over. But sleeping over is a shared experience, it’s intimate, and there is going to be a lot of cuddling involved, whether you like it or not.
So if you want to turn your F-buddy into a girlfriend, invite her to sleep over more.
And have lots of morning sex. Morning sex tends to feel more like 'dating' sex.
But if you’re dating a woman and want to remain casual, when it’s time, tell her, “I have to get good sleep for work tomorrow. Do you need a ride home?”
Of course, maybe she has her car, or you call her a cab. That’s logistical. Or if you’re at her place, just make an excuse to go home that night.
What Does She Want? Flip Your Perspective
Do you want a girlfriend or a casual hookup? When you decide, you can plot a course for the relationship.
But you need to consider what she wants, too. With this consideration, you can analyze her behavior and make educated guesses as to her intentions.
Does she:
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Ask for sleepovers?
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Try to hold your hand?
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Want to spend a lot of time together?
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Cuddle with you?
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Talk about her feelings often, and ask about yours?
By analyzing these behaviors, you can make a guess whether she wants to remain casual, or if she’s aiming for something else.
With that insight, it gives you more power to steer the ship where you want it to go.
My best advice is to know what you want, and where you are going. You can then set the parameters of the relationship to best suit your interests while giving your girl something she can relate to as well.
Have fun.
Tony
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