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This should be a fun and enlightening article, I hope.
A few days back I answered a comment on my article about calling girls when texts aren’t doing the trick, and one of the remarks I made in my response is that the most fun lays you will have are the ones where:
-
The girl really likes you a lot, or
-
The ones where the girl doesn’t like you at all.
Some of the guys on the forums wanted to know what I meant by that second one. A girl’s got to like you to sleep with you, right?
Well... not necessarily.
In fact, sometimes it’s even better for your chances when she doesn’t.
So, in today’s article, I’m going to cover 10 situations in which a girl will sleep with you... even if she doesn’t like you.
Comments
Thanks for clearing this up
Hey Chase,
I actually had a question on this awhile back reading your article where you talked about speaking at a conference and many guys were astonished when you said girls don't need to like you to have sex with you. On the contrary, they won't have sex with you if they like you (i.e. boyfriend material). Glad to see an expansion on that!
Here's a funny situation I came across I want to share with you.
You say we shouldn't wait for her response at the opening. What if she's laughing hard?
Me: (After some chit chat), Are you single?
Her (server): Yes (very quickly)
Then, I wasn't sure how to follow up, because Ricardus didn't write that part (or I missed it). So I just meh, let's see what happens
Me: (tilt head, sexy voice, eyes at corner): Interested?
Then she explodes into laughter. I've never seen like this before.
Instincts tell me this is good (tension). But I'm still new to this, I'm a beginner, and this caught me off guard. Still kept cool and with that sexy smile and stood there.
So I waited for laughter to end..Which you say is bad, never wait for her response.
Her laughter never did end. Covering her mouth and getting louder and louder (which is hilarious! She's on duty too!)
I eventually slowly backed out and rejoined my friends.
Sigh, guess I missed out there. What could I have done, bro?
Your devoted student,
Lawliet
Make her laugh more and leave cold
A big, exasperated sigh plus an exaggerated, slow head-shake should keep her laughing while you tear a page from your notebook/grab a card from the bar and jot down your number. Slide it across the bar, turn, and walk away without looking to see if she picks it up (she will) and more often that you'd expect she'll contact you - but you must leave while she's still on the high.
Or
Hey Anonymous,
Thanks for the suggestion! Will definitely give it a whip!
I was thinking this: Maybe some feedback from you or bro
What about getting compliance by getting her give us a piece of paper (she's helping the process!) and then writing it down, keeping the nonverbal to keep the flirty mood (don't go cold), no verbal talk, then walk out?
Re: Playful names
Oh and any guidelines with coming up with playful nicknames smoothly and dos and don'ts? I want to employ it, but it seems out of the blue with a girl.
Lawliet
Don't break the high
Not in this case - you mustn't break her mood - you're the strong guy putting her in a good mood and dealing with her excess in a masterly manner. If she stops laughing before you're done you've lost the impetus.
Use an item of clothing as a trigger - 'Hi Miss Stripey-legs' or 'Good Morning Knitted-cap lady...'
Then when meeting her for the date, if she's changed her stockings it's, 'Wow, hello; I was waiting for Miss Stripey-legs but now I've met you, er, let's get out of here before she arrives...'
And if she hasn't changed it's just 'Hi Stripey-legs.'
Gone too far?
Hi Chase,
Was just thinking about asking questions.
When we ask/escalate too far, and she doesn't answer (no answer, or changes topic)/ freezes up,
What to do?
I'm thinking of fractionation (i.e. changing to fluff talk or pushing her away), but I thought that's when we go near the edge of her boundaries (escalation or question) not passing it?
And isn't changing topics when she's not answering or letting her change topics / moving away from escalation after she freezes up, sort of weak?
Would putting pressure on her with skeptical look or bored look help, bro?
Your devoted reader,
Lawliet
Re: Gone too far?
Lawliet-
I'm not sure exactly what kind of situation you're talking about here, so I may not be talking about what you have in mind.
But if, say, you're in a bar with a girl and you put your hand on her leg and she freezes up, I will call her out on that: "Did you just freeze up because I touched your leg? Are you really that stiff?" Then probably laugh at her. Then I'll pat her leg a couple times and take my hand off, still laughing at her. Maybe picture Chris Pratt for this one.
If you remove your hand without breaking the tension, she's going to feel like she rejected your advance, and that's a whole lot of negative compliance. On the other hand, if you just leave it there, she's only going to get more weirded out and eventually will tell you off or blow you out. So you need to remove it in a socially savvy way.
Chase
A girl that mislead by selling me romance
Hi Chase
I met a girl on OKCupid stunning single, 36 years old with hugs boobs angelical face, blue eyes, but overweighed. Her profile made me think she was looking for something serious.
After some messages we agreed to meet for tea mid in less than a week. The date lasted 75 minutes and was polite and cold, she was very cautious and defensive. To my surprise she texted me 48 hours later asking me how it went a business I mentioned I was closing the following day. After some tender, loving and warming up exchanges messages she came to my place the following night to see my wine cellar since she is a wine lover.
We made it out but didn´t have sex and slept together spooning. The following morning I invited her for brunch at a nearby restaurant and as we were waking I took her hand. In the middle of the street I kissed her passionately.
I texted her tenderly and she replied accordingly and 3 nights later we had passionate sex all night long. But then she started to become cold and evasive
One week later after tired of her relying with lame excuses over text I remained silent for 16 days. Then I fired up: Hey I don´t know if there was a misunderstood nor I don´t know what are you searching for or if you want to see me again. Do you wish to continue knowing each other? Shall we go and get some drinks? She replied immediately: Hi it´s feasible that there was a short circuit in the communication. It´s a good point to ask what I want, that question and other personals I´m trying to answer at least partially. Of course we can go out, have some drinks and talk.
The following night we met at a cozy lounge and stayed there for more than 4 hours. The first two hours she was cold with little talk and not much to say even I pushed for it. Then I went cold on purpose and she noticed it asking what was wrong a couple of times: I said nothing was wrong…..then she became romantic again. She said since I didn´t contacted her in two weeks she though I didn´t liked her, I said I preferred to give her a break since she went cold after we had sex. The she said: let´s go slowly OK? I said OK but I want to know if what happened was real since I felt it so intense. She said it was real and very intense, but didn´t want to get feelings hurt by none of us. After that I invited to go back to my place but she refused because she had to wake up early. I proposed there to meet 3 days later but turned evasive again.
I texted her the following day and after some hard to get with suggestive messages I convinced her to pick her up 2 days later. I took her to the museum, then we went to buy some groceries and ended in my place cooking and watching some movies then we had sex but not so good as the first time.
The following morning she had to work early but skipped it then she braced me and said it´s so nice being in this bed….we had sex and then she left my apartment with a cold goodbye.
I texted a couple of times during the week to see how was she going with cold replies.
The following weekend I called her twice but never called back.
I gave her again a break and after 2 weeks I texted:
I don´t know if there are some more short circuits or you don´t want to see me anymore. Can we meet and talk? She replied: You are absolutely right, I misbehaved with you and I feel terrible bad. Let´s meet and talk now.
One hour later we met at a Starbucks and asked: is there any other guy or a former boyfriend appeared?
Her: No, not that. I wanted to try it with you…but I don´t feel anything for you and I didn´t feel the need to reply your calls. I talked about you with my shrink, and I´m angry because the sex with you was fantastic, probably one of the bests I had and you treated me so good like no other man has treated me before…. What I can offer you is my friendship but I know I´m insulting you since I guess you have other expectations with me.
Me: I´m like customer service. Tell me what do you want? You sold your image as someone who was looking for a serious date. Even though I´m not looking for something serious I met you and you moved me and I said to myself: Why not give her that opportunity after all she suffered from the jerks she dated? I have no problem with casual sex or FWB relationship, or being in your Booty Call list.
Her: I don´t know what is a booty call or casual sex nor I don´t want to think of me like that.
Me: Then shall I delete you from my contacts in my phone?
Her: No, I´m very close and warm to my friends and if I treated you cold is because I felt uncomfortable for me handling the situation bad and it was my fault.
Me: No problem in being friends but I will not call you anymore. If you want can call me. (I think to myself: Of course I don’t want to be her friend since she has played with me…but what else could have I said to her since her attitude took me by surprise? Go to hell and fuck you?. I never been so insulted by a woman)
Her: I will call you after some prudential time, but please don’t take revenge on me. If I call you don´t assume I want to fuck because –again- maybe I want to know how you are or just have a coffee with you since I find you such a cool guy and good-hearted. But maybe I may want some sex. If that´s the case I´ll let you know.
In one moment she mentioned it will be possible that she will regret to let me go, but couldn´t retain me this way.
I remember when we were in bed she was craving to caress her back (she said: you have a gift, no one ever touched me like this, I can get so used to this) I did that all the time we were intimate even the first time we didn´t fuck.
THIS ARE MY ISSUES: Casually we are members of the same social club. Two days after the break-up I saw her on an after office event our club was promoting. She approached me with a huge smile, said Hi and started talking with the guy I was chatting with for no more than 2 minutes, then she went to sit on a table with 2 girls and she stayed seated with them for the whole night looking bored. In fact that night was fun to me since I met a lot of cool people.
This events are being held every two weeks, so I don´t know how to behave next time I see her.
On the other hand maybe it would be wiser not to assist to this events, so I can give her a chance to miss me and call me. That will not happen if she see me saying hi to her and then ignore her all night and socialize (easy for me) or try to pick up girls (I have flaws on this, and will get me nervous if she is present)
MY QUESTIONS ARE: How can that be possible that if I give a woman all the kind of opportunities with me (being in a serious relationship, casual sex or FWB) she refuses it?
How can that be possible that if she sex was one of the bests she had and no other man treated her so well and I propose her a no strings attached relationships, she refuses it?
I met a girl that mislead me. Her OKCupid profile was about romance not something casual and I bought it. As you can imagine she broke my heart.
Yours truly,
Rico
Try this:
First, assume you've lost her - that way only nice surprises are possible.
She has, effectively, told you she's putting you on her 'maybe in extreme circumstances' booty list. So let's dial up the circumstances.
Go to those events. Ignore her unless she approaches you and if she does, just be polite. Flirt with the other girls - or better, take one with you, a really stunning one.
If she really does have you on the 'maybe ' booty list a healthy chunk of what Chase calls preselection might trigger something - and if not, well, you already lost her but hey, you've already got the replacement...
What shall I do next time I see her?
Since she was bragging about her intense social life what shall I do next time I see her in the after office parties our common social club promotes?
Shall I approach her ,say hi, give her a warm kiss on the chick as it is customary in my country Argentina, and then leave and socialize in another area of the venue and ignore her all night?
If she comes to me looking for chit chat: Should I say I thought you had an exciting social life, so why you waste your time and my time in the wrong place unless you want me to fuck you hard?
When you want I will fuck you hard and do to you the things I didn´t (and describe each kinky stuff am planning) but if you are not here DTF don´t look after me with the bullshit of a friendship after all the fire that transpired between us?
Should I tell her: When I invited you to the museum I did it because you showed signals that wanted a romantic approach and you were tired of all the jerks that fooled you…but I assumed wrongly?
Maybe tell her don´t ask me how am I since its none of your business the same way as I´m not interested in a friendship with you. You mislead me in selling yourself as someone wanting romance?
She is a pretty 36 years old single but overweighed, and I am a handsome 44 years old entrepreneur, never thought I could be rejected by this kind of woman, but I cannot help myself: I felt in love.
A guy I know from this social club told me she made it out with him but didn´t have a chance to have sex. Then each time he called she was giving excuses about how busy she was. Then things diluted and would only say hi to each other in this events. This happened some time ago before I met her.
The curious thing is she confessed me too many intimate things about her life and before, and after having sex some days later we spoke on the phone for three hours from 1 AM to 4 AM.
Thank you for taking the time in reading this
Next time...
Be polite, friendly but no more. Don't refer to your past together, do walk away before she is quite done with you.
Remember - you already lost her so you need to turn it so it was she who lost you. If she wants to talk say 'Call me.' and walk away. If she comes over and wants to talk/flirt say 'You told me you'd call me if you wanted me, so call me.' If she persists make some excuse and leave - preferably with another woman; say 'Call me.'
If she does call you, invite her over. Don't say why, she knows why. If she won't come say 'Call me when you're ready.' and put the phone down.
Don't promise anything - it looks needy.
If you think you might make a foolish declaration wait until you are sure she's noticed you and then pull out your 'phone as if it's just buzzed. look at it a moment, smile at it and leave at once without looking her way again. (Risky - you're pretending you've another date, but much better than making romantic gestures at this point.) Don't return that night unless you've a pretty girl on each arm.
Cheerio,
So after a month she texted in a cold way. What to do?
Hi Anon
Thank you so much for your wise words. After she broke up with me one week later I invited her over text to a house party I was running at my place the following night. She accepted asking what groceries to bring and I told her so. But the following day texted that something came up and she couldn´t come. I was expecting that answer (guess she is having difficulties at first in saying no)
After the party 2 days later while checking her WhatsApp texts accidentally I dialed her number and few minutes later she called back but I didn´t answer and she hasn´t left messages.
Then 2 weeks later accidentally and I don’t know how my smart phone laying on my desk called her reaching her voice mail, when I realized I hung up immediately. She called back 15 minutes later, and since I didn´t answer she sent me a WhatsApp: “Sorry for not answering I was in an important call, I called back but I got your voice mail and I hate to record voice messages, Are U OK?
I replied 90 minutes later: I´m fine, but my phone went crazy and dialed my last contacts. Are you fine?
Her reply: Ah…Ok, I´m fine, thanks for asking.
That was it. After one month of radio silent she texted me this weekend a polite but cold message to which I didn´t reply since I found futile in doing so, besides I wasn´t compelled to do it.
Her text reads: How´s everything? Just a greeting to know if you are fine. Hope so. Kiss
It will possible that I will see her in the after office parties promoted by my club. And Anon has given me good advices in managing that issue. But any suggestion on her last text message? Is it good that I didn´t reply back or plays against me in the next events held by our common club?
In the eventuality of her making an observation I thought to tell politely: I saw you message but to be quite honest I felt neither the need nor the usefulness of answering your polite cold message, if you want to call me feel free to do so but I´m not into useless chit chat.
What do you think?
I forgot to ask
I forgot to ask: what can I do to prevent this in the future? What were my mistakes? Is there a way to spot a woman looking for a ONS when you really are searching for lovers/FWB ? In fact I withheld sex until the second encounter.
how to differentiate?
But how can you differentiate between a girl who is really into you and a a girl who is not? what is the main difference in their behaviour?
is / is not
Most PUA would tell you strong IOI (indicators of interest) which would mean:
- she laughs & giggles
- she touches you
- she keeps eye contact
- she looks at you when you talk
- she is warm and smiley
- she hits you or smacks your shoulder
- she is near you and not in a polite space (usually further than your arms length)
- she tries to build connection (like agreeing with your opinions or statements in general, qualifying herself after you say something. You: "It seems like most people nowadays just eat in restaurants and noone makes their own food" and shes goes: "I cook! And I love doing it!")
- she wants to see how you react on things - because she views you as a leader and a reference on "how to react" and "what is the right action now".
- she wants to be part of your "team"
- she talks more, gives you more to work with
- she asks you questions
- she "pokes you" with words, meaning like
-------------------------------------------
I tried to stay away from the typical attraction signs like playing with her hair.
** Key point is: every girl is different and shows interest differently. I had a girl who kept hitting me, kept asking questions, touched me a lot, laughed a lot and was very warm but it was because she is like that with everybody. She is extroverted Gemini (even though I dont believe in that, most Geminis I met were like that somehow). **
-----------
Those that dont like you will typically:
- be cold
- give you short answers
- not look at you
- seem bored probably
But then again, you might have a girl next to you who is just dying because her heart cant contain the love for you and will look like a normal, regular girl. I read in some article from Chase or maybe it was Colt or Drexel that the only sure fire way to know is to move girls or ask them out or for their number at least.
Hi there, I came across your
Hi there,
I came across your interview on theemotionmachine and I'm happy to visit your site!
In one of your articles as I was browsing, you say attraction is not built and attraction from "Hi" is pretty much all we get. This is a puzzling thought that I have trouble getting my mind around. If I'm interpreting it correctly, this suggest that first impression is significantly central in seduction and the process afterwards does not create attraction. Then the "game" aspect, the intrigue, the techniques and tactics in conversation, don't they serve as tools for building attraction?
Your articles are very thought-provoking. Hence, it is one of the best sites I've came across, elegant and in depth. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Best regards,
Jack
I'm puzzled too
Good point Jack! I'm puzzled too.
To expand on you, Jack, I was reminded of an article.
In the article, "Being a challenge to women", we assess where we stand with women and then tackle accordingly.
However, If attraction isn't built, then the idea of making women who see us as "no challenge" start seeing us as a challenge by busting their balls and teasing them technically won't work.
Since the analogy is starting off as "no challenge", which is no attraction to becoming attracted from adding challenging behavior (verbal or nonverbal teasing).
I'm sure bro can clear the confusion.
Welcome to the site!
Lawliet
Attraction After "Hi"
Anon-
I guess one caveat to that rule is “attraction isn’t built after hi outside of social circle.” If you’re someone she sees around frequently enough, you can still build more attraction over time.
e.g., if she sees you at work or in class and she’s ‘meh’ on you at first, if she discovers you’re actually a really sharp guy with an awesome sense of humor and everybody loves you, she may find herself coming to feel more and more attracted to you over time.
Most of the time when you’re meeting strangers though, she’s going to feel a certain amount of attraction for you, and you’ll either confirm that attraction for her or it’ll expire (see: Attraction Has an Expiration Date). What you’re doing with your interaction with her prior to sex is confirming her initial attraction and helping her feel comfortable enough with you to stop trying to guard herself against that attraction or from doing anything with you.
If she isn’t super interested in you from the start though, she typically will not become super interested later on (which isn’t to say you can’t still sleep with or date her; you can get girls all the time who aren’t super interested in you if you just follow good process).
Maybe think of it like this: your fundamentals determine her attraction, and those are things you won’t change in a day or an evening, typically. However, your game determines how willing she is to act on that attraction, and THAT you can have a big effect on, then and there.
Chase
Hola amigo, I'm a little
Hola amigo, I'm a little surprise amigo to not see an article on what to do when a lover calls and says she's pregnant. Accidents happen for lover amigos ;)
Adios,
Peer
Pregnant
Peer-
Yeah, that could be a good one. I’ll add it to the article queue!
Chase
How to answer ?
Hey Chase,
Here's the real question,
So I've on forums for awhile now, and asked for tips on honing my intrigue skill in conversation (coming up with answers that intrigue them instead of giving too much) or in things we do (Polarizing). But didn't get satisfactory answer.
I want to hone my intrigue, what articles would you suggest will give me the right direction and any personal tips you realized as you worked on this skill, bro?
And coming up with the thing to say.
Some questions girls ask me:
What do you do?
What do you take in school?
What do you plan to do afterwards?
What do you do on your free time?
What are you busy with?
etc.
How do you answers these, bro?
I wanted to use this opportunity to disqualify myself as bf material, so sometimes I'll say, "I just go with the flow, when things come up, I do them". "Every day is different, a variety so can't say exactly" All in an attempt to intrigue.
But in "Relationship expectations article", you're vehemently against "going with the flow" anywhere in life. I'm shocked! ;) What do I do now, bro? What would be a better thing to say?
Yours,
Lawliet
Building Intrigue
Lawliet-
My top three on buliding intrigue:
Vague answers like the "go with the flow" or "every day is different" ones don't build intrigue unless you say them with very strong sexual intent. Otherwise, they're just kind of non-answers that make it sound like you don't have much going on.
See the article on baiting for how to answer various kinds of questions. You want to answer in a way that gives her something tangible, yet leaves plenty still unanswered and gives her something to ask you about if she's curious about you and interested.
Chase
difference between lucky and unlucky people
Hey chase!
I have been a fan of your articles and would like your personal opinion on this topic. I admire your understanding and analysis of human pscychology.
I have never been a fan the words of luck or bad luckI came across an article by writer Erik colonis that said:
"Recently I came upon a fascinating study by Richard Wiseman, a psychologist at the University of Hertfordshire. Wiseman surveyed a number of people and, through a series of questionnaires and interviews, determined which of them considered themselves lucky—or unlucky. He then performed an intriguing experiment: He gave both the “lucky” and the “unlucky” people a newspaper and asked them to look through it and tell him how many photographs were inside. He found that on average the unlucky people took two minutes to count all the photographs, whereas the lucky ones determined the number in a few seconds.
How could the “lucky” people do this? Because they found a message on the second page that read, “Stop counting. There are 43 photographs in this newspaper.” So why didn’t the unlucky people see it? Because they were so intent on counting all the photographs that they missed the message. Wiseman noted,"
I totally coroborate it with my incident today. There is this cute girl in my neighbouring room in student dorm I had been planning to talk to for days. I thought over it for days and planned a silly excuse to go talk to her only to realise that she had been sick. Instead of adapting quickly and offering her to drop by place for some warm tea i completely flipped and just went through what i had planned in my mind before, Just like the article i missed the opportunity for a spontaneous casual conversational connection based on my planned mindset. think this is what most people nervous with girls and new to it suffer, presence of mind and adaptablity. Not always but specific to situation they are not comfortable with. Your views on this !
Lucky vs. Unlucky People
Anon-
Oh, that's a great find! I just looked it up - the full paper has even more juicy stuff in it:
The Luck Factor
I've seen research before (maybe it was even by Wiseman; seems like this is his field, if Google Scholar is any indication) showing that people who reported having good days and bad days actually had the same number and magnitude of good and bad things happen to them throughout the day, but folks reporting good days remembered the good and forgot the bad while folks reporting bad days remembered the bad and forgot the good.
Actually, since reading that paper, I've had almost no bad days. Every time I start feeling like it's a bad day, I remind myself of what's probably going on, focus on the good stuff, and the latter half of the day will usually end up being good (occasionally I'll have some big bad thing happen after that anyway, and then I'll go, "Well, just random chance that I've had a lot of bad stuff happen today; I guess I'll just let myself feel like today's a bad day even though I know better").
Anyway, regarding this one, the findings here would make sense. Everyone I know who considers themselves super unlucky spends too much time plodding along and visibly misses good opportunities. I've traditionally considered myself "unlucky but dogged" and I used to miss good opportunities a lot too. Only with training have I become "more lucky". You basically have to learn to expand your focus and be a little more ADD.
Your theory on beginners not being sufficiently adaptable to changing situations due to being too stuck on whatever path they're on is great. Maybe that'll be my next article, in fact... hmm!
Thanks for the share!
Chase
UPDATE: Here's the article: Be More Flexible, Sleep with More Girls
yo chase, love your articles!
yo chase, love your articles! Looks like this week is sex theme week.
curious, what do you do to turn woman on? I don't see much exercepts on sex talk from you, or any chase's sample dialogue from deep diving to sexual. Would love to see that. thanks chase! ;)
Turning Girls On
Anon-
Check out these!:
Chase
Looking away?
Yo dawg,
sick article brother! respect!
I read up my brother Colt's article and he say we let the girl look away first when it gets tensed. Dis means we ain't weak. Can't find it now. Ain't da case in your how to be smooth piece, we look down like my boy Val Kilmer! so look away or let her look away?
Peace dawg!
Re: Looking away?
Anon-
Depends on what you're going for. If you're using the look down like in the how to be smooth article (here), it's got to be well-timed and done in a strong but mysterious way. Tougher to execute.
The usual good advice is this: don't look down.
Chase
Thanks for replying dawg!
Yo dawg,
Almost forgot. Sick reply on how to not get tired in sex by the way.
How would this apply when imma bathroom sex or places ain't the pad?
Peace!
Tired with Bad Logistics
Anon-
You're probably going to get tired quickly in bathrooms. No shortcut around that, short of working out specifically to have stamina in bathroom sex situations ;) Same deal with car sex. Or just have enough bathroom/car sex that you build up your stamina reserve.
Other non-pad places, sometimes you can still swing less-tiring positions, but usually better to think of these places as novelty locations: fun to do, but you're not going to have 40-minute sex sessions in them usually, because they're just too tiring both for you and the girl.
Chase
Not paying for dates
nice one chase...keep em coming!
ehhh, how do you communicate not paying the date???
before date or when you check out?
and some girls pay for you without asking? how???
Thanks buddy!
Re: Not paying for dates
Anon-
When the check comes, don't look at it and don't pick it up, just keep talking. Unless she's a professional gold digger, sooner or later the tension will get to her and she'll pick it up herself and either ask you how you want to do this or put in her share directly.
Girls will pay for your check for you if a.) you never make it seem like a date, before the date or after - you're just a super cool guy she's linked up with who's going to hang out with her, and b.) you provide high value on the date with great conversation, good sexual chemistry, etc., and she feels there's an obvious value imbalance. It's also a lot easier if she knows/thinks you don't have a lot of money, and if she's professionally successful, but this isn't mandatory. Helps though.
Chase
self expectations
yo chase, thanks for spending time answering our questions. It really means something when someone devotes his time for strangers' success. I posted comments about the girl who misunderstood me. A question about expectations: at the time, I was telling myself, "She's definitely gone" to protect myself from feeling disappointed in case I end up failing. or alleviate the sting BEFORE taking action.
Will holding expectations like these that expect the worst outcome during premeditation affect our successes with similar social situations or life in general? thanks chase! ;)
Re: self expectations
Anon-
The research on it says you're better off thinking optimistically, because you take a bigger negative emotion hit if you were pessimistic and get a bad result than if you were optimistic and get a bad result. If you were optimistic you tend to go, "Huh? Weird. Oh well," whereas if you were pessimistic you go, "Sigh. I knew it. It never goes my way."
Anecdotally, the best solution of all is not allowing yourself to think about it or form an opinion. Look at it, say, "There's no way I can know," and think about something else instead. The less mental energy you put on something, the less it affects you no matter which way it goes.
Chase
Article Idea
Hi Chase,
I love your articles and your work. After applying your stuff for about a year now, I've transformed in ways which I couldn't have even fathomed possible. I have you, your writing staff, and the forums to thank for it.
My comment is unrelated to this article-
One thing I've noticed a lot of men in the pickup community do is try to validate themselves or "fill a hole in their lives" via learning how to have sex with women. They often believe that they'll feel happy "if they get a girlfriend" or "if they consistently get laid" or if they "[Insert personal goal with women here]". Nothing could be further from the truth. Using external sources for validation will only bring about a temporary high. But after the initial excitement wears off, low self-esteem will once again, come crashing down on him. Its similar to the way an otherwise low self-esteem man would feel after purchasing a new car or getting a promotion at work.
I think a great article which I haven't yet found on this website would be one which explains how to validate one's self and feel complete as a person without women. Once he's done that, he can do pickup operating under a much stronger paradigm- one in which he invites women into his already great life. As opposed to seeking women to make his shitty life better.
Once again, I appreciate the work you've done here. :)
Filling the Hole in One's Heart
Anon-
Yeah, I've seen that too. I suspect it primarily comes from lack of purpose or direction, from what I've seen; the lack of giving oneself over to a cause: The Purpose of Life from a Practical Point of View. Sometimes guys try to adopt PUA as their "cause", but that's not a very good cause. It's skill set, or a hobby, or a pleasant diversion, but not a life purpose.
There's another side to it though too, and that's when you get guys with personality disorders, who can often become really good at picking up and getting laid, but go through depressive spells. One of my mentors was like this: incredibly good with girls and got laid all the time, but he'd slip into these awful depressions sometimes or be up on the highest of heights others. And I've seen plenty of other guys who deal with this.
That one all I know is that cognitive behavioral therapy supposedly works wonders, but I don't have any personal experience with it so can't speak to it.
I'll add this one to the article queue, but probably can't/shouldn't write it myself since it isn't one I've gone through personally.
Actually, some of Cody's articles might be a good fit if you or anyone interested in this topic can untangle their sometimes tangly messages. This rather recent one from him hits fairly close to the target here: "Developing Your Own True Independence."
Chase
Reminds me
speaking of sex, it reminds me of pauses. Pauses create sexual tension, with gazing in the eyes. What do we follow up after the pauses that sets off to the races?
cheers!
wow
Since the cute guy never bothered to make his offer, and girls are scared to death of approaching, she took the offer she had, and went off to shag Mr. I-Guess-He’ll-Do.
Women are "scared to death" of approaching? That is sad. I had no idea.
Sex
Yo dawg,
do you use lubricant or prep other stuff? what about for ONS or em girls in places out of yo pad?
Damn hilarious bringing a bottle around!
Peace!
Missing URL
hey chase, I can't find your Meeting Women More Easily: Lifestyle link anywhere.
Here's the original post:
http://www.girlschase.com/content/meet-women-more-easily-location
Thank you for your attention
Lifestyle Post
Anon-
Yes, you're right, the follow-up piece never got posted. My bad. It's nearly 5 years overdue at this point, eh?
We have some articles (and a mini book) up that should fill in some of the blanks, though:
Chase
Re: Missing Link
sorry just curious. You were in Philadelphia and had bad logistics. Your pad is far in the suburbs away from bars and the city. Then how did you close at all with girls back then? You also had a rapid pace with taking lovers in the first weeks of 2011 despite of this. Amazing.
Jealous????
I find myself getting jealous of girls I talk to who make more money than me, have had more sexy partner's than me, etc.
I feel I have to have more money and sex partners.
How can I stop this feeling.
This one girl told me her body count, it was more than mine, and I said she was a bigger slut than I thought. I wanted to cut her off right there because of that.
I was so angry.
What can I do about this Chase?
Re: Jealous????
Anon-
I’m not sure of a good answer other than, “Compete harder.”
Personally, I find if I feel bad that someone’s got more of X than me, the best medicine for that is just stepping up my own efforts to get more X.
Once you know you’re working as hard as you can to get more X, and you’re seeing some progress, that kills most of the jealousy then and there, because instead of looking at people and saying, “Damn, she’s got way more X than I do,” you start saying, “She’s got a lot of X – but I’m catching up.”
Chase
Leaving the bar
How should you handle a situation where you've moved to a new house. It's 30 minutes away from the closest bar/Hotspot. Theres no walking, it's definitely got to be a car ride. What's the best way to handle this type of situation so you don't lose your built up momentum or her interestate on the way home?
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