How to Make Female Friends (as a Guy) | Girls Chase

How to Make Female Friends (as a Guy)

Chase Amante

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In "Guy Talk: Here's How to Kick Butt at Talking to Other Men," JFav (a commenter singlehandedly responsible for perhaps 20% of the "a reader writes in" type articles I've written here) writes in asking about how to make female friends:

female friends

Hey Chase,

Was reading through this article again and it's great stuff! Can't believe I haven't been using it all this time. Though as I was reading though a thought popped into my head, could there be a companion article to this concerning women?

I'm not sure if what I'm asking isn't already covered on here but I thought I'd ask anyways. I've always been fascinated with those guys that just get women and can instantly turn them into a friend or ally. Much like the way you said you can turn any man into an ally I'm sure you can do that with a woman too.

So, I was wondering if you could a write up on this kind of thing. You talked about this subject briefly in Girls Chase ebook where you compared the female and male conversational style.

I'm asking about this because I'm in a spot in my life where being active in pick up difficult for me so having some female companionship in terms of having invites to parties or clubs is my best bet right now.

And just the other day, Ryan had a similar question in the latest Carnival of Dating Advice:

Hey Chase,
I was wondering if you could write an article about what to do if you want to be good friends with a girl. All your articles have been really helpful but i'm not sure how to apply the techniques to a girl whom seducing would be inappropriate, but you still want her to admire and respect you as a good friend. Could you write something about this please? Thank you :)

JFav and Ryan are right - there isn't an article on Girls Chase yet about turning women into friends - so let's correct that situation.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his One Date System.

GET CHASE’S ONE DATE SYSTEM

Comments

zac's picture

Female friends tend to last longer. Yeap, could not have said better. Sleeping with a girl whom you are pure friends somewhat kills you. Been there a lot of times, man. Anyway, you are always in depth and accurate about your article. You also mention that it's good to leave awhile, a year at least, in "i dont chase em, i replace em". It's true, sometimes i check out my previous girl whom used to be friends, turn lovers, on their twitter and i can't help but to think if it was me whom she write about.

I feel "friends to lovers" have more cons. It curbs your abundance mentality and also makes you lazy, if you not careful. Otherwise, female friends can be fun, oh, i realize if you over-invest in getting her out to outings, i got some girls whom think i like them very much, how do u go about that? She must be inexperienced i guess.

Zac

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Zac-

Yes, "friends to lovers" definitely makes you lazy. Instead of saying, "I have to make something happen now!" you start telling yourself, "Well, it's okay if it doesn't happen right away... the plan is to be friends first, and then get to all this dating / sex / relationship stuff!" Which, ultimately, is the exact same thing as being in the friend zone.

When female friends think you have a thing for them and you don't, I don't think this is necessarily a situation you need to correct - you can just smile to yourself and let them have the ego boost. What you will see a lot of times though is women acting like you like them because they act that way with all men - it's simply their default frame toward guys. "All men like me because I'm wonderful!" It usually works - the man senses her aloofness and sense of superiority, mistakes it for true high value, and begins to pursue her. If you laugh a little at this and just stay calm and friendly, most of these girls doing this will begin to realize that you aren't chasing them, unlike every other guy they do this with, and they become intrigued... and then curious... and then they have to know why... and then before you know it they're obsessing over you a little bit and chasing you. The funny thing there is that they do it to themselves - all you're doing is just hanging out and being cool.

Chase

Zac's picture

Thought i might ask this too, I feel as time pass by, I become emotionally detached. Does becoming emotionally independent good? I feel empathy but I am slowly feeling like John Rambo(movie), where pain and negativity has become as such I am more concern with practical stuff.

I know Ricardus and yourself also have this to a certain degree. I think it's important somewhat.

Zac

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Zac-

Emotional detachment is a side effect of getting good at and feeling in control of anything. Emotions are what drive you in situations where the outcome is uncertain and you have a great deal of need affixed to it... but the more certain your outcomes become, and the less needy about them you become, the more your emotions recede and hand the controls over to your logic. It's kind of like your emotions saying, "Okay; you got this, logic and training. We'll just go kick back and watch some action flicks. Let us know if you run into anything you don't know how to handle."

For instance... the guy who's in control of his relationship is always going to have less potent emotions towards his girl than the guy whose girl controls him. The guy who's in control knows the outcome - he calls the shots, things happen because of what he does or wants, and if the relationship ends he can always go find another girl. So his emotions are quiet and calm. The guy who's not in control needs his woman - he falls in love with her hard, he's never going to find another girl like her ever again, he's crazy about her, he's jealous and possessive, his heart is wrenched if she does anything against him or he finds out she's lied to him or flirted with some other man or more, he's overjoyed if she says she wants the relationship to get more serious, etc.

When I first started going to nightclubs to meet girls, there was so much emotion there for me. It was scary, unknown, uncertain; sometimes I'd have a terrible night filled with disappointment and rejection, and other nights I'd have a triumphant night where I'd snap victory out of the jaws of defeat and leave with some beautiful girl I had and almost lost and ended up together with at the end anyway. I do feel a little nostalgic sometimes when I look back on all the emotions of those days, but I wouldn't want to trade success for emotion. These days when I go to nightclubs, it's just a calm, emotionless experience. If I have no success and don't meet a girl to take home, it doesn't bother me. And if I pick up some girl and bring her home and we sleep together - well, that was cool, but it's not terribly exciting, either. Because I know I'm going to get a girl if I just talk to a certain number of girls or go out a couple of times. It's not like the old days, where every outing felt like a do-or-die experience. Now it's just playing the numbers.

A lot of people express fear over losing their emotions when they just start getting into learning more about dating and pick up and seduction and relationships. Which I understand - the culture in the West right now (and the one that gets exported around the world) is "Emotions good; reason bad." But emotions are really there to help you chart unfamiliar waters; once you know how to get around in a given area, it makes sense you wouldn't still be getting crazy emotions there - that area is freed up from fog and confusion and emotion; it's handled; and you are now free to devote your energies to something else you still don't get (that's still emotional for you - could be work, could be an art, could be a business... could be anything).

Self-improvement is a process of taking the things you're emotional about now and getting to the point where you're calm with them... so you can tackle some other area and get that one all set, too.

And you needn't worry about running out of emotions - there's always something that can scare the crap out of you and alternately send you to cloud nine with exuberance. You just need to go where you don't know how to achieve your desired outcomes with any certainty, plunge yourself in head first, and your emotions are right back to being where they used to be, in all their glorious, churning turmoil.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hey Chase, great insightful article as always.

Couple of questions:
1) For direct openers in daygame. I've always used either Ricardus' "Are you single?" or the traditional "Hey...I saw you walking and had to come over... You've got the most kick ass walk I've seen all day" or similar. Ricardus' line doesn't seem to have much love on the forums, though I've found that as it's a bit more forward, when girls react well, they tend to really hook. What do you think is the best, or in which situations would one or the other would be best? I could do a proper test, but as it's only an opener you're experience would save me time!

2) With 1-2 minute number closes. For texting I tend to delete numbers if girls haven't replied after 2 texts. With calling would applying the same be best. Plus I haven't so far, but should I ever leave voicemail?

Thanks

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

I've traditionally been more of a nighttime guy myself - I usually only do day game when I'm looking for a girlfriend, and when I do I usually use the "I saw you X and had to come tell you Y" formula. I took "Are you single?" for a test drive and got some good reactions with it from women, but it's like anything - when you've already got an established practice you like using that works for you, it's hard to switch to something new (because you have to go through a learning curve and an adjustment period, which may not always be something you have the time or the energy to prioritize doing).

The big rule with openers is, whatever you're most excited about is usually what's going to work best for you. Women are paying a lot more attention to your nonverbal fundamentals than they are to the words you're saying - and if an opener gets you feeling good, it's usually going to work better than anything else you might say, even if the words are "technically" correct.

On text message follow up - it very much depends on how experienced you are with women, how abundant a resource women are to you, and how much you want / don't want to bring additional women into your life right now. For instance... when I first started out, I'd drop girls after a few messages not responded to because my ego was taking a hit and I didn't want to keep texting some girl and be ignored. Once I set my ego aside, I was able to start making a more concerted, disciplined effort to get unresponsive women to respond and come out on dates and go to bed, so I'd persist past a couple messages not responded - texts, calls, whatever it took to get them talking to me and out in person again. After a few years of that though, I had enough of an intuition built up about when I could forge ahead with a girl and make something happen even if she wasn't initially responsive, and whether it'd be better to text again or call again, whether it'd be better to leave a voicemail or text message if she didn't answer a call, etc., that I was able to pare follow up down to the point where usually I'd drop girls who didn't respond after a couple of messages, but I'd make sure my last one was clear that I was doing so, built intrigue and interest, and told her what she needed to do if she wanted to see me again.

If you're not at the point where you more or less know what it means when a girl isn't responding, I'd advise you to take the ego hit and risk being the annoying guy to persist a bit further with girls and see what you can pull off. Most of the ones who aren't responding initially won't respond at all. But sometimes you'll be surprised, and it's really not a lot of work to get some pretty good lessons to just send a few more texts and make a few more calls. It's also a good experience getting on the phone with a girl who's acting like she doesn't remember you or is acting annoyed and learning how to turn that around into something where the girl's enjoying talking with you and actually changes her mind and wants to come meet you.

Voicemail is good to leave once you're good with talking on the phone and being interesting and using a sexy voice and being informative but brief, and it's best used if you've tried texting her a few times and then calling her and had no response. Once you're good with phone, voicemail can serve as a major turnaround point; I can't tell you how many girls I've had not respond to any of my texts... and then I called and she didn't answer... and then I left a brief, cool voicemail in a sexy voice, and hung up. And then a few hours later I get a phone call or a text apologizing for not being responsive and suddenly she's being a lot friendlier and wants to meet. Voicemail is an infusion of, "Whoa, this guy's actually a real person... and he sounds even better than I remember!" that's great to use if a girl hasn't responded much so far, or if things are cooling off and you need to inject some life into your efforts to get her out and see you - and remind her that you're a powerful, sexy guy by the tone of your voice.

Chase

Hugh 's picture

Hey Chase, great article. Lately I've been direct approaching women, and have been getting positive feedback, but the transition from opening to getting to know the girl I've been having trouble with. What would be the best follow up response/topic to build off of? Any advice, or tips would be great.

Thanks,
Hugh

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hugh-

That's the hook point you're trying to reach, and it's probably one of the toughest transitions for most guys to learn. I spent years trying to get that down... it's really hard to find anyone who can tell you how to do it consistently, or any specific way to handle it.

I have a book excerpt here that lists out the main focal points you'll want to target to get this handled on a consistent basis: "Reaching the Hook Point with Girls." All of those - fundamentals, early investment, key early questions, and not talking about yourself - are very important, but the first two are the biggest: the more attractive you make yourself, the more you'll hook automatically, and the more you can get quick early investment, the faster you'll hook as well.

Also see the article on locking in - it's infinitely easier to hook once you're locked in compared to when you're not and are instead out floating in space.

Chase

Franco Lombardi's picture

Always... and I repeat, ALWAYS aim to be the potential mate if you are looking for female friends. In other words, you want to be boyfriend-zoned by women that you believe will make good friends.

These women provide you with the following benefits since they constantly believe that something could happen between you two:

1) They are almost always willing to hang out and usually get excited at the thought of you inviting them out or you accepting their invite to go out.

2) When you are out with them, they will tend to do things for you that other types of female friends will not (i.e. buy you a drink or food, offer you a ride home if you're drunk, invite you to parties, etc)

3) Without consciously doing it, they up your level of attraction to all other women in the room. It is one of the easiest ways to keep a constant stream of pre-selection in your favor.

And as Chase mentioned, girls who view you as a "potential mate" are the ones who give you the best way to practice your sexual tension, wit, facial expressions, and other fundamentals that will really up your game when you're out approaching women you actually want to sleep with.

I advise everyone who is newer to seduction to go out and make a few, attractive female friends to get yourself off on the right footing. A little confidence boost knowing that women do find you alluring can go a long way. ;)

Cheers,

Franco

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Great points here, Franco, and a nice fleshing out of some of the other benefits of being the potential mate. All very true.

Chase

Jason's picture

Hi Chase,

Thanks for this great article again! I have a big question for you I was hoping for your feedback on and it pertains to persistence.

I recently met a girl at the dining hall of a dorm, asked her for her number, to which she gave me, then asked her out on a coffee date. The coffee date went well but I left a little early and I could sense that she didn't really want to leave. Later, I sent her a followup text for a dinner date to which she at first replied she was busy and couldn't make it till next week. When I inquired more, she stopped responding to my texts.

Fast forward to 6 days later, I saw her in the dining hall again today and chatted her up to seeing when she would be free next week, to which she replied Wednesday. However, during this time I had pulled an allnighter yesterday and as a result, lost the composure I usually had, got red-faced, looked very nervous and tense around her.

Once I set the time, I could see she really tried to not make a lot of eye contact with me (more so when I got nervous halfway through) and when I said bye to her, she said bye and directly looked ahead of her.

At this point, would it be even worth my time to persist for this girl? I kind of blew things by getting nervous and also she seemed to not want to be in my presence. Should I attribute it to her getting uncomfortable in me getting nervous or is she just not interested? Thanks chase!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Jason-

Ah, that's a tough one. Blushing was always a big pain for me too... you can hide almost every other sign of discomfort, but that one's very difficult to control. Fortunately, the more comfortable you get with women and socializing, the less this happens.

I'd recommend pushing through it with this girl just to pick up the experience. She liked you before, but now maybe is back on the fence - just soldier through it and see what you can pull off. Chalk up as one that's probably lost - nervousness will do that to you - but you can still take some lessons out of anyway. You won't learn anything if you throw your hands up and call it game set match here, but you might learn something by persisting.

You probably want to make a call about 2 days after seeing her, when it won't feel reactive but it also isn't so long that she's completely set her mind in stone against you. At that point, just chat with her normally for a few minutes, have a cool (but brief) story about something that happened to you recently ready when you call in case you need something to get things rolling, and then end it after a few minutes with a clarifying question about next Wednesday that also builds some intrigue - like, I found something really fun and cool for us to do before we have dinner, but I want to make sure you don't have a heart condition first, I couldn't live with myself if we went to do something awesome but then we had to fly you to the hospital. She'll ask what; you'll tell her it's a surprise. This way, you make the date more about doing something fun than about meeting you again - usually bad form, but when the girl's on the fence about you, this can be enough to get her out, and once she's out you can reset her expectations.

Then for the fun thing, make it rock-climbing or roller-skating or something interesting and unconventional - then go have food after the two of you have worked up a sweat together. Any concerns she might've had over you being nervous will be allayed - although she might start probing about it because she's more interested now and wants to know how much you like her (at which point, you just tell her you pulled an all nighter and were off your game).

Chase

Capital G's picture

Chase,

Love the new design, I now spend more time here than I care to admit.
Would like a refresher on ways to effectively communicate sexual intentions and managing sexual tension. Which articles offer the best insights?

Thanks for your time and knowledge!

G

Gnco

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Captain-

Glad to hear you like the new design (and that we're roping you in! That's a good sign for any business / website when it's having that effect on folks).

On communicating sexual intentions, refer to these articles:

... and for managing sexual tension, see these posts:

(the last two articles there are more focused on not using so much humor that you're defusing sexual tension accidentally)

And as a bonus, here's one on managing pulling without letting the sexual tension and other concerns that've built up ruin her desire to leave with you: Get a Girl Alone Today with These 7 Tips.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hey Chase,

What if at school you don't have really any close guy or girls friends at all?. I'm more of the quiet loner type who can be outgoing at times. At first people wanted to be friends but i guess from my aloofness the offers stopped coming and most of the girls went cold on me too. I'm only a sophmore in high school, so should i try and be more friendly or just make friends outside of school? Oh and great article by the way this site really piqued my interest in human and social psychology.

Anonymous's picture

Hey guy.
I'll just give some advice.
Hope it helps you realize that we need people in our lives so start having some true friends.
Aloofness is your natural state but you can change that and be a social guys which feels great.
I'm a loner too before. And I think my lifestyle is what makes me a loner type..
So maybe try to change your way of life and start having people around you..

Hope this will help..
Just tryin to help coz i was once a loner

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Like you and the other Anon who just responded to you, I was overly aloof in high school too. It's a protective measure, or at least it was for me... if people think you're cool enough from a distance, maybe you risk letting them close and they change their minds and think you aren't all that.

I'd recommend you start being more sociable and outgoing. Check out the article on friend-making in general: How to Make Friends? The Master Key to New Friendships. Getting friends outside of school would be good, but being generally friendly in school will teach you a lot of valuable lessons too.

You won't be in high school forever, but you can learn a lot right now that's going to equip you with skills and know-how and abilities you'll use for the rest of your life. It's worth trying and making a few mistakes and being a little awkward right now if you don't do things perfectly - everybody else is being a little awkward at times in high school too.

Chase

The M's picture

Hey Chase,

Congratulations on the new site! It's very visually pleasing to scroll up and down now with all the pictures. Also, the new fonts and comments layout and the little burgundy author dog-ear make a big difference. I just wanted to point out a couple possible improvements (but feel free to ignore them, of course).

In the “Related Articles” section: articles without pictures (e.g. “Finding Your Niche”) end up looking out of place (the text moves to the top). It might help if you add a picture to those articles.

In the “Writers” section: your name often appears twice. Although you do put up enough stuff to sometimes make me think there’s two of you… :) Also, people without last names appear a little far away from their avatars, so the spacing can be confusing.

And the Preview Comment button seems to have disappeared...I'll guess I'll find out what happens in a moment.

That's it - no questions today! :) You've improved my general social intuition and calibration immensely, so I'm able to answer questions to my own satisfaction more and more these days. Thanks for all of the great work.

Best,
The M

Author
Chase Amante's picture

M-

Thanks for the feedback! Really glad to hear you're finding the scrolling a pleasing experience... I've kinda been doing that a lot myself. Just zip up and down the page and go, "Ah, that's SO much better than the old site..."

The related articles section - the last 50 articles finished up a day or two ago, so you ought to be able to see pictures for all of them now - all 500+ articles on the site have images, updates, and categories. You shouldn't run into the situation of seeing text with no image again.

Writers section - yeah, that's maddening to me, it doesn't look good. We weren't able to figure out why it keeps duplicating my name like that; the system's set up to only show each writer once, but in some of the sections you see me twice anyway. We might end up just making some sort of custom box that needs to be updated manually there instead of one that pulls from the system if we can't fix that bug. The names are also tricky, and don't seem to want to vertical align - although it's better than it was, when the pictures weren't lined up at first either.

The "preview" button we removed to streamline the commenting process - so just don't hit "Save" until you're ready!

Very good to hear on your question answering - that's what generally happens with these sorts of things. Eventually you get a sound enough mental model that instead of looking at something and saying, "Okay, that just doesn't make sense," you can simply run it through the model and pinpoint a likely explanation or solution. And the more pieces you add to that model, the sounder it becomes... and the fewer questions you end up needing to ask anybody other than you. Cool to see you're reaching that point.

Chase

Anonk's picture

hey Chase yet again you expel more wisdom from your brain to us. I am highly tankful for that and keep up the good work.

now my question is that I trying to go to prom since this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and comes in a few months .their is this girl I want to ask out who has shown great interest in me but I confused about the whole predicament as follows:

1.i don't know how to ask her out in not a needy way that will not cause me a decrease in attraction.

2.one of my friends asked a girl out so I asked him wait is she now your girl friend and he said kinda.it is not like I wont be open to such a chance but what is the clearest way of me pointing out that I may be interested in a relationship(I don't want it to be a big deal or for outsider like teachers putting pressure on me).

3.me and her have 2 classes together .now I am kind of the strong/silent/observing type of guy who don't really talk much in class. And their is like 3 other couples in the class we share who sit next to each other ,kiss in class, and whatnot but since I want to be a secret lover type of guy how do I still show affection?

4.since I waited so long to show interest how fast should I escalate?

thanks again for sharing your wisdom and I look forward to more eye-opening posts in the future

till next time,

anonk :)

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anonk-

For asking this girl out, check out these two articles:

You're better off making it something quicker and snappier (like in the first article) rather than the somewhat drawn out process in the second article though since this is a special occasion - prom. Ask her soon - if no one else has asked her, and/or if she likes you too, you're liable to get a "yes."

On communicating about a relationship, you can skip that part - remember that men chase sex, women chase relationships. Once you've made her your girl, she'll chase the relationship, and you'll be a little skeptical but gradually let her "win you over." Assuming you get a "yes" for prom, say "cool," and then propose that the two of you grab an ice cream or a lunch the next weekend or the weekend after and get to know each other a little bit better outside of school. Prom is essentially your "excuse" for getting this girl out on a real date beforehand. Then just try and fit in 4 or 5 or 6 dates or more before prom, that way by the time prom rolls around you can really make it special.

Class - rather than kiss, stick to giving her smiles / winks / nudges. Keep it low key, and you'll be fine. Make people wonder, rather than know.

Chase

Rebel's picture

Hey Chase, nice job with the new site. I have a question that's not relevant to this article, so please forgive me. But I feel this is a subject most guys would like to hear about: Lasting Longer in Sex.

I feel like excessive masturbation may be causing a major premature ejaculation problem that isn't being addressed. Do you have any knowledge on this subject, and maybe some content on techniques we can use to train ourselves to last longer.

Thanks

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Rebel-

Hmm - usually most guys report too much masturbation makes it harder for them to cum at all - there was a thread on the boards talking about it here: Masturbation Obsession.

Regardless, for lasting longer in general, try two things: one is focusing on something other than the sex while you have it - a sports game is a great example, if you're into sports, or a video game if you like games... just remember a particular match or game and all the details, and run through it from start to finish.

The other one is stopping when you get too close to climax. Just stop, rest inside the girl, and wait until you've calmed down completely (e.g., you're no longer close to climax anymore), and start up again.

You can also try to find positions you aren't as sensitive in, and there are even condoms on the market that have a numbing gel inside them to desensitize you during sex so that you last substantially longer. Personally, I'd work on distracting yourself and learning to stop prior to climax first, since those are things you can use on-demand whenever you want, and you'll also be training your body not to climax too soon.

Masturbation in general does screwy things with men's sex drives - I wouldn't be surprised if it made it harder for some men to cum, and too easy for others. See what happens if you take a little time off - you won't know how it turns out until you give it a shot.

Chase

snipefield's picture

I'm about to move to a new town to go to school and will be focused on going out and meeting women during the day. Simultaneously, since I don't know anyone there, I'd like to create a nice circle of friends that includes women.

I'm looking for advice on how I can systematically focus on both endeavors. It would be great having one or two true pretty friends who are girls. However, in the midst of an approach, I have a hunch that my brain will be telling me "Man, do everything you can to get into her pants" if I truly find her attractive. That rules out going down the friend route.

Should I revert to the friend strategy only for those girls that I don't find that attractive?
Should I schedule my day-game sessions for "meeting girls with the intent of developing a sexual relationship" and "meeting girls with the intent of forming a friendship"?
Or perhaps it would be more efficient to focus on meeting women thru other situations (social gatherings, climbing gym, etc) and leave day game only for the relationships?
Or perhaps there's something I'm missing in the midst of the approach that would help me decide whether I should game or friend her (ex. if she's especially outgoing, friend her, if she's shy or flirty, game her)?

Anonymousz's picture

Wouldn't the one-sided relationship with a girl end up with her auto-rejecting you after a while?

Sanu's picture

Im a long time follower of girslchase and followed this advice with a female friend to the T and ended up her auto-reject. I was meeting her up with everyone and 1:1 sometimes and I always had kept the sexual tension with her and it was fun. But last time I met her at her place, she was expecting me to escalate since there high level of sexual tension but I did not. I came across as a pussy who doesn't have confidence to escalate and she was disappointed and stopped paying me anymore attention. So, its not a good idea to build sexual tension with a girl who you have decided not to fuck. More often it will backfire and you'll lose the girl as a friend as well

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