Have Men Become Disposable in Dating? | Girls Chase

Have Men Become Disposable in Dating?

Chase Amante

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disposable dating
Have social media and dating apps made modern dating disposable? Not quite – the problem goes back farther than them, to mid-20th Century “throw-away culture.”

Two months back, a reader asked the following question:

Hey Chase could you possible do an article discussing whether men are disposable due to online services like Tinder & Co.? I mean when a man doesn’t put out a good performance on date, a woman can just say “next!” and go on Tinder for more endless matches. I currently feel that way and I thought another perspective man bring some fresh air.

It’s a pertinent question... although not as new of one as apps like Tinder might suggest.

American society (dating apps like Tinder originate from America too) has been accused as far back as 1955 as being a ‘throwaway society’. We have articles on the American habit of throwing away too much; articles that accuse corporations of being at least partly to blame, building things not to last or to become obsolete so consumers pay to upgrade to more recent versions. Other discussions focus on the abundance of material goods in our society, which by extension causes us to devalue those same goods.

This isn’t limited only to the economy and material wealth, either.

There are articles all over the Internet about disposable dating culture. Here’s an article that talks about disposable dating in New York and San Francisco. Here’s a blog post from a woman who talks about ‘recycling’ all the men she’s dated back into the dating pool. Here’s a more general one that discusses how to know if you’ve been in a ‘disposable relationship’.

You could make an argument that some portion of Girls Chase philosophy treats dating relationships like disposable goods. The recommendation to replace rather than chase assumes romantic partners are substitutable goods, and you can ditch one and get another one. The basis behind the advice in articles like “Can’t Stop Thinking About Her” and “Just Friends: A Man’s Worst Nightmare” is this too. I strongly recommend these articles and the perspectives in them, of course; they are necessary tools for navigating the romantic terrain in any developed, urbanized society. However, they reflect upon the nature of dating in a society like that as well as they teach how to navigate it.

Dating apps (like Tinder, Bumble, and Bagel Meets Coffee) ultimately are just the latest iteration of this modern American approach to personal relationships.

But is our approach these days truly disposable? Is it so only with men, or with women too? And if dating has become disposable, how much of online dating and social media is the culprit?

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his One Date System.



Timbowimbo08's picture

Hey Chase,

great article, very useful. I've been looking for advice like that recently. With all the things I read on here and in different books, my standards have risen and I am at a point where I am not interested in 90% of the women I meet - when it comes to screening for serious relationships. I wonder if that's a normal thing these days?

I myself have some things to deal with (terrible childhood), so this makes me a person to avoid, going by your own advice. I have baggage, I built walls, but I'm working on fixing it. I also now that my problem of not being able to trust other people means I have low self-esteem. I basically don't trust myself because of negative thoughts (not good enough, etc.) I also tend to attract women who have a troublesome past (abused) at times, which shows I am not yet there.

Question: Should I keep dating, keep going through (bad) experiences (nothing REALLY bad happend to me yet, except for ruining my first relationship with a cute girl because I lashed out at her for no reason calling her a liar and cheater several times until she had enough and dumped my ass) and even risking of being trouble for "healthy", high/normal self-esteem women (my ex) or should I fix my problems and then start a comeback?

I really enjoyed my first and last relationship (except for the days I couldn't handle my doubts), relationships just seem to make everything in life a little better. However I don't want to hurt girls like I did with my ex. If something like that happens again...let's just say I had trouble forgiving myself, even after I got to apologize to her. The moment you realize you ruined everything for NO reason and the girl was actually so loving...she really fought for me and it lasted 6 months. Guess she wasn't on the disposable-train. Ouch.

Anyways I feel bad reading about how I might be a person that should be avoided by others.

Thanks in advance.

JJ's picture

Hey man, I'm sort of the female version of what you're describing yourself as. Don't feel unworthy,defective or insufficient,people like us have endured traumas that a normal person who had a traditional nearly perfect loving mom,dad supportive family sheltered childhood will never comprehend.
They dont grasp the severity of the trauma bc they can't relate to us so their opinions don't uphold much & no longer make me livid just sad.
Perhaps they attended private schools had their dad buy them a car at 16 & put them through college or maybe they were poor,but they had emotional stability,love & normalcy,unlike us defective chaps.
Clueless ppl can assume all they want like that we are making up stories as if we gain anything from playing "victim".In my case i dont go around telling just anybody my stuff,very very few of my friends even now past a few details.
I only share a small speck of my life experiences when I feel it can be of help,emotional supporr or comfort to ppl like me who need reassurance we aren't alone.
Ppl that trash talk & judge have no firsthand experience about our struggles.Friends can be there for us,but like you said it's hard to trust so unabashedly & i dont like to impose my stress,heartache,pain or problems on my friends,they've their own stuff going on.
What doesnt let me personally,heal now in adulthood is even though I physically removed myself.The burdensome verbal abuse remains as I'm constantly seeked to be bashed & undermined .
It enrages that many scumbags(i know) have the sweetest kindest parents that give them everything even though they are not nice human beings & I'm like why them they don't deserve such great parents when they're not worthy,but life is unjust & screwed up like that.
I also have only had one exclusive monogamous long term relationship & I treated my former boyfriend like crap most of the time.
Sometimes I was supportive,affectionate, cooked for him, & was a good gf,but mostly I was a bad to him bc he made less money than I did & didn't go to college,but now five years later he's turned his life around.He has a fiance & is making 3x as much money as I am without a degree.
I guess I had that coming, all he did was accept,defend & love me with all my mental & emotional hurdles & I belittled him then broke up with him in exchange.
As for treating men in my case as disposable well at first from ages 13- 23 I did it on purpose.
At 24, I was in a transition phase,I alternated between disposing guys after a few romps & also dating without bad intentions.However,I did not want anything serious. I wanted freedom,since I'd been with the ex bf around that timeframe & didn't want another suffocating relationship.
Now at 27, I've become more compassionate bc I've been through rough stuff & idk I'm just very sensitive now. I try to be more considerate & I've improved,but I still sometimes regress to discarding guys once I've had my time with them & dont feel the desire to contact them again even though the guys still wanted to stay in touch with me.
Ive had guys get clingy & I don't like that.
Once,I'm done it's over & final. Im not one to hang out again for old times sake & some guys dont handle rejection like grown men & are hardheaded so I have to be extra firm.
I literally have no idea what most of them are up to now.I forget their last names or first names & erase them from my life it comes naturally to me.Its not like I do it to be vindictive anymore(I used to years ago)I just don't want anything from them anymore & they're just like an old file I deleted & don't want or need any longer,it's weird I can't really describe how easily it comes to me to toss them from my life permnanetly.
That doesn't makes us junk or rubbish.
At least one thing about me is I'm not an adulterous woman.I may have many faults, promiscuousity,but never a cheat,liar or schemer. I dont try to get pregnant from guys for money etc I may be crazy to some,but I'm not selfish or heartless.I'd never have my future children face the traumatic hardships I endured in my early life.
I want a better life for them than what I was dealt with.As i get older I want more meaningful relationships too,but I get bored so easily & I still don't want to settle down until I'm mid or late 30s.I think the key component of importance is that you realize your weaknesses & are trying your best to improve bc you want the best.When you're truly ready & meet the ideal lady she will not give up on you & you'll overcome or manage your fears better it'll work out don't worry.I know when I'm genuinely ready & meet the guy worthy to sire my future kids that he'll be by my side through highs & lows.

Chase Amante's picture


What I hear to be the best for overcoming large trust issues / bad childhood experiences - where your brain is effectively "rewired" at a young age - is dialectical behavior therapy, which focuses on training the brain to change its reactions to various situations that might otherwise trigger suspicion, paranoia, anger, etc. If you're burdened by lack of trust, I would look into that. (I don't know how bad off you are... maybe that's overkill)

I would also suggest it's helpful to try to arrive at a place where you do not NEED people, necessarily. Getting upset at someone for lying or cheating only happens when you need those people. When you don't, the emotion is more a calmer "Well, I'm disappointed. I guess that's the end of the relationship", and you move on. Just a sort of hmm, oh well. Disappointing. Onto the next thing. No big theatrics, 'world is ending' feelings, or anything of that sort.

The moment you realize you ruined everything for NO reason and the girl was actually so loving...she really fought for me and it lasted 6 months. Guess she wasn't on the disposable-train. Ouch.

These realizations are good/important/transformative realizations.

When I went through a similar realization with a few girlfriends (realizing I was the cause of the relationship ending, and that the girls struggled mightily to keep it going), it was both a little sad but also rather empowering. Since you realize you are valuable enough that these really great girls were busting their tails to overcome a lot of B.S. from you just to try to keep you. Makes it easier for you to be more chill in the future... since now you know that hey - I'm actually a pretty valuable dude. And some very top quality girls really will work hard to hang onto me. So what any one woman does does not really matter all that much to me.

Learn from it, figure out how you want to run your future relationships so you don't needlessly hurt women, and you will do fine.


anonanon's picture

"Thus, you get a bunch of girls in the 7-and-below range (i.e., ‘cute’ or less) who are having a lot of disposable sex with hot guys who won’t commit to them."

Oh, what a *terrible* life this must be. The pay gap and so-called "pink tax" isn't enough retribution for this.

Chase Amante's picture

Works out the same as less attractive guys who are able to get beautiful girls to flirt with them or be their platonic friends but not go to bed with them. The self-esteem hit works exactly the same - 'friend zone' or 'orbiter zone' for a man is the equivalent of 'one-night stand zone' for a woman.

Of course, it's hard for the sexes to have sympathy for each other. Few women have sympathy for men who can't get women to be more than friends or flirts with them, just like few men have sympathy for women who can't men to do more than pump-and-dump them. Largely because this kind of treatment marks a man/woman as "undesirable" and makes others want to stay away/mock them.


Doc's picture

All along I've been repulsed by my hometown (Miami) and I would call the people shallow, cruel, etc.

I even became fully emersed in the disposable as a 'you know what...? Fuck it, time to reclaim my power here.' to only be planning my evac out of the states (I'm really wanting to meet some Asians or something, dunno really.)

Anyway, thanks, Chase :)

I don't want to make this more dramatic than it needs to be, but you're truly a light in this world & one of the only people I trust in regards to anything. It's rare to find someone that has your deep, deep, deep understanding of things.

Please, how can I cultivate a "Chase" approach to things? What do you study? Where do you study? Bluntly: how in the freak do you stay so on top of it all (it also being you).

Thank you,


Chase Amante's picture


Sorry to hear about Miami... though that is something I've heard repeatedly. It's a major modeling destination spot, which will tend to make things more shallow. Add to that being a big tourist destination and it gets even worse.

As for me, I might suggest these posts to get a better grasp on how I think about/approach things, and where I get my mindsets from:


Charlie1000's picture

With online dating women now have too much power in the dating game. They reject men for sport. A lot of guys think it’s money........... but that’s matters more offline. They don’t care about your money, your muscles, your intelligence, what kind of car you drive, or even if you work.

They’re only looking at your photos.

There’s actually no need to even fill out a profile. Just upload your photos and let them judge you and if a woman looks at a man and does not like the LOOK of him, she does not care about him at all………NOT AT ALL.

Thus women date up. Men date down. A woman who is a 5 in the real world, is a 7 on line, a man who is a 7 in the real world, is a 5 on line. So women are over-priced online

Women online think that online dating will change the laws of physics. That is, they think an average women will end-up with above average men because they met on dating site something that has never consistently happened throughout the course of history.

But if they cannot find the BEST, then of course, they go for the WORST. A guy that is way out of their league or way below their league.

These women are what I call, the BBD’ers. (Bigger, Better, Dealers)

They are constantly are trying to UPGRADE and even if a woman does meet a man and hit it off online, they will only hide their profile because that’s the online equivalent of “going steady.”

Tomas's picture

Hi, I just want to point out a disposability problem in online dating. I think it's quite common.

You meet a woman online, hit it off, meet her in real, hit it off, have sex on that first date (actually pre-date). The woman is happy to tell you her schedule for the next week. (I even had a woman lend me a booklet, telling that so we have more reason to meet again!) But after the date, this picture breaks and you go to trash.

Sometimes, you two were really different and didn't click, but anyway you gave her the excitation that led to sex. She got horny and you were there, so to say. Or sometimes, she had a legitimate reason to leave you.

However in a big portion of cases, the problem is very simple. You were the first man she met and she wants to meet more men to "choose from". Chances are you were actually her best choice, but she doesn't know.

Usually when the woman stays with you, it's because she experienced some disappointments online and you come to her as a win. But if you are her first man from the dating site, she often takes you as standard and expects to meet someone even better.


Chase Amante's picture


Great observation.

There's often a 'data collection' period before the satisficing period any time a person switches to a new environment to meet mates in.

Where she (or he) basically says "I wonder how good the quality of mate I can get here is?" and then dates around (and hooks up) a bunch until she's amassed a decent data set and can decide roughly where her ceiling is in terms of mate quality. Then she picks a mate close to the ceiling and settles into a relationship.

I haven't invested as much time into online dating over the years as other guys have. But this is definitely a pattern you see other places. I'm not surprised to hear you see it happening with online too.


Motiv's picture

If I caught the gist of this article, disposability is only hastened via online dating — particularly, apps like Tinder/Bumble emphasize quickness of matching based on minimal screening (looks only).

That being said, it's very odd to me just how many women go out of their way to decree, "NO HOOKUPS!"

Is this an obtuse shit test? I have a hard time fathoming how a woman who swipes right on a guy who's profile picture is a shirtless, muscled torso somehow thinks she is in for a special romance… Do these gals have no clue, or are they just testing my 'alpha-ness'?

She enters your world… not the other way around.
Tweak your way to the top ;)

Chase Amante's picture


I tend to translate this to mean something slightly different.

What it generally seems to mean is "No sleazy guys who make me feel bad about myself offering only sex!"

But if a sexy guy charms her, and invites her to meet up offline, sleeps with her once, leaves her feeling good, and that's that and they never meet again, it's fine.

Remember women don't talk about cold facts. They are talking about emotions. She is saying she does not want to feel used -- or like some man is trying to use her.

So long as it feels GOOD, and she will not feel used later, one-time sex is fine.

Also -- girls who do not hook up do not specify no hookups. Women who've hooked up but been disappointed do.


SZ's picture

1. How bad did I fuck up missing the online dating game and dating apps?

I'm so mad, I regret it so bad. I tried tinder, but got no matches, so I got rid of it.

I always thought online dating was too much, in the area I was at there aren't many attractive girls either.

I feel like I messed up big time by not just keeping it and trying for all of those years, I could have been at 100+ women by now off that alone.

I feel like dating apps and online are the fastest to get lays.

What's your opinion on me missing out? Are the women not as easy as I think online ? Would I have reached my 100 goal? Did I miss out big time ?

I get so mad because I don't know why I don't take advantage of these things.

2. What do you do when a girl flakes on you ? I know you're not supposed to get mad, and I think I read to not bring up another date.

Well I lost many girls because I didn't get a text back from them at all after I said it's cool after they flaked.

I say it's cool and then they might say something else, but they never try to re schedule or anything.

So what do I do in those situations ?

Example: a girl and I made a date, but she canceled because she said she had work early in the morning. She said sorry when she got up, I said coo, and she said yeah. Never heard from her.

Another girl said she had finals, same thing.

Some girls ignore my text when I ask them when they're free.

Picked up a cashier, we talked all night and set a date, I text her if we're still on. No answer.

The first 3 were club girls, last one was cold approach.

All of these women were on my dick and they still flaked on me with no make up date.

It's like I have no choice but to ignore them, if I try to get another date, wouldn't that be chasing ?

Wtf am u supposed to do?

Chase Amante's picture


I'm not going to address the regret thing. I've said all I can say about regret before.

As for the flakes question, check out this article:

Probably also this one:


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