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When I was in college, a bunch of my floor mates wanted
to know how to break the ice,
and as a
result started
bandying around a new line to use with women. It went like this:
Guy: Hey, do you know how much a polar bear weighs?
Girl: No... how much?
Guy: Enough to break the ice! Hi, I'm Hal.
It's cute, but fortunately for you, there are many more ways you can use to break the ice with women that are a lot less cheesy than this.
Ice-breaking is a "line" than it is a technique, done properly. And there's more to ice-breaking than simply starting a new conversation.
In the article "How to Be Playful: 4 Tips You'll NEED," on the function of playfulness, I noted:
“Socially talented men employ playfulness for exactly TWO reasons:
... that's it. Playfulness only serves those two functions. They're two sides of the same coin, really - the "ice" that you break is really just the tension that comes before initiating a conversation where no one really knows what to say yet to do that.”
- Breaking the ice, and
- Reducing tension
And what I'm going to talk about in this article is exactly that - reducing tension, and breaking the ice. Although there are some differences between the two, there's a lot of overlap as well... so we'll cover both in this post.
Comments
See chase that's why I like
See chase that's why I like you, I agree with stuff you say because it's something cool that I would do or I did it before and it worked. Especially the kissing on the mouth. My reason where I guess childish( thinking she does very naughty things with that mouth and I don't want my tounge up in that ). Funny thing is every girl I slept with I never kissed on the mouth and I got laid easier like you said but when I actually did try the mouth I got rejected every time, EVERYTIME! great article man.
Not Kissing Girls on the Mouth
Hi George,
It's a hell of a thing, isn't it? There are these little things you do, that you didn't even think about or realize, until you sit down and type them out or read them. Then you see it, say, "Wait a minute!" and start doing it consciously, and it takes your results to another level.
Neat to see you've already had results with the no-kiss-on-the-mouth approach to escalation - some pretty black-and-white results, at that!
Guessing you'll probably have this one a lot more top-of-mind next time, "childish reasons" or not ;)
Chase
What is your icon? It looks
What is your icon? It looks like sliver surfer.
Icon
It's not Silver Surfer, although it does look similar; but rather, it's a photo of a statue of a silver man that struck me as compelling and powerful, and has some personal significance to me, as well.
Cheers,
Chase
K I can dig it. I have two
K I can dig it. I have two questions though. 1. How can I get girls on dates or have them come over If I don't have a car? 2. I work at a grocery store what's a good way to pick up shoppers?
No Car / Grocery Store
George-
You've got a few options on the car question. They are:
Have them take you to their places instead
Tell women to come to your place for lunch, dinner, a movie, etc.
Have women pick you up, and at the end of the date when they drop you off invite them up
Use unconventional logistics (e.g., beach, park bench, dark stairwell, hotel room, etc.) - these are often exciting for women, which works to your advantage
Grocery stores - I'm planning to do an article on meeting girls while shopping reasonably soon, including grocery stores; and the same stuff that works as a fellow patron will work for you, too (although, I don't know your age, and depending on age you might be at a disadvantage - if you're fairly young you're probably fine unless you're going for women much older than you, but if you're older some women will be naturally closed off because they'll see that as your "career" and judge you not ambitious enough or driven enough or successful enough... you'll get a feel for which these are likely to be after some approaches).
So keep your eyes peeled for that one.
Cheers,
Chase
Not kissing move.... Nice!
Hey Chase,
Love the part about the tension of not kissing on a date until you get home or to the seduction location. I clearly understand the logic behind what you have said. I'll try it with this hot freak that I should be having a date with next week.. hope I haven't left it too late!! (strike while the iron is hot)
Any way so kissing on other parts besides the lips is good. But what do you think about hand holding? (Applying to girls that you want as a lover or/and girlfriend... and they are undecided about you too) early dates....
Also on a first date if the logistics aren't good what is your say on kissing/kino? to make sure you get her next time... or at least not get slotted in the 'friend zone' without any physical escalation.
Cheers man!
Prince
Hand Holding / First Date Touch
Howdy Prince,
Glad you liked the escalation gambit there.
On hand holding - if you take her hand when you first meet her and hold it for a while in front of you, whilst talking to her face-to-face, this is a great way to ramp up some initial sexual tension and bridge her personal space right away. Aside from that, I'm not too keen on hand-holding... it feels too expected, cliché, and relationship-y for me. I used to do it a lot but I've pretty much abandoned it in pickups (don't use it much with women I'm seeing these days, either).
Touch on the first date: if you're not going to sleep with her on the first date, you should be doing a LOT of incidental touch so you're well outside the friend zone when it ends, yes, and you should have a very good reason for why you have to leave at the end of the date. The date shouldn't drag on until she leaves - you need to end it.
The preference is, though, if logistics on the first date aren't good... cancel it and reschedule a new first date a few days later, this one with improved logistics!
Best,
Chase
A definite path!
Hey chase! Im 18 been reading your blog from last 6 months. It seems like i have gained enough knowledge yet im still a beginner. Nothing is falling into place for me as of right now.I still get emotional,sometimes behave like a typical nice guy push over. Dont know i feel like im missing something. Would appreciate if you can tell me from where should i start so that i dont return to my "old(nice guy pushover) self".
Not Returning to Being a "Nice Guy"
Howdy Ash,
The "nice guy" mentality springs from a lack of abundance with women. What happens is, your brain scans its past experiences, intuits its future options from that, pegs women as a "scarce resource," and tells you you need to be very careful with women and be extra cautious not to make one wrong move and annoy or otherwise displease them, out of fear of losing one of these few, precious, rare resources.
Unfortunately, women are very attuned to this, recognize it, and take it as a sign that A) a man is not preselected by other women (and thus his value as a mate is assumed low), and B) she can get away with whatever she wants, or keep him hanging around in orbit, providing her value for "free" (he gives her conversation, security, friendship, etc.; in return, she gives him the hope that maybe someday who knows when, they could someday be together).
The only real solution is getting enough women around you that you know you have options, and getting your skill level and experience with women to the point that you KNOW, down to your bones, that you can go out and get another woman matching or exceeding the desirability of any woman you're with right now in a heartbeat. Once you get there, the "nice guy" is banished forever, and you can just be honest, genuine, and straightforward with women, command respect and investment out of the women you're with, and pick and choose the women you're with at will.
Best,
Chase
Too Attractive
Hey Chase,
What would "too attractive" be ?
Re: Too Attractive
Hey Anon,
Have you ever met a girl who was so extraordinarily beautiful, sexy, and seemingly impossible to get that you just IMMEDIATELY auto-rejected her (e.g., "She's probably really stuck up," "She's probably a gold digger who dates millionaires and rock stars and things like that," etc.)? If you have, you've experienced meeting a woman who was too attractive.
You can eventually become attractive enough that women will start auto-rejecting you quickly or immediately. The ones who don't auto-reject immediately you can make yourself more human through self-deprecation. The ones who do shut down the instant you say "hi," there's not much you can do about that, except realize that they're probably lacking in basic confidence and would be pretty meek / submissive mates.
You'll encounter this most often when you're dressed up very well and look impeccable; e.g., perfect clothes, perfect hair, looking like a million bucks. Out-dressing women is one of the easiest ways to cause it.
On the flip side, at the point that you're causing some women to auto-reject because you're too attractive, you're also putting yourself on the radar of other women who don't normally get excited at all by the vast majority of men. So, there's a trade-off; you lose the meeker, less confident, usually less attractive women, and excite the bolder, more confident, normally more attractive women.
Chase
Oh ok that's what I thought,
Oh ok that's what I thought, basically just not being attainable, I guess it's not exactly a bad "problem" is it ? haha
Great article, any extra tips for stranger ice breaking
There are some real gems here, particularly the no kissing on mouth bit. I agree a hundred percent and have experienced it myself before, although not always true. I have gotten hot and heavy with women at a bar/club and still taken them home. Think it depends on the level of connection and type of woman.
Anyway, I tend to do well with women once I have a conversation with them, my biggest thing is opening. I let the tension psyche me out, happened last night. Great looking girl kept looking at me, clearly wanted me to approach and yet I second guessed myself to the point that I just decided to not say anything. This happens to me alot and I have found myself going for sub-par women because of it. I use online dating and hate the women I meet on there for the most part. I really enjoy the whole chase, just too chicken shit to go after what I want.
I really need a few techniques that could help me ease the tension within myself. I find myself thinking so hard how to open that I literally haven't a clue what to do. Always becomes easier not to say anything and then i feel terrible about it later. Any advice?
Approach Anxiety
Hi Shy Opener,
In case you haven't seen it yet, the article on approach anxiety covers this topic fairly in-depth:
Overcoming Approach Anxiety
One additional recommendation is training yourself to respond to a trigger. e.g., you pick a phrase like, "Okay, time to go," and immediately after you say it you start walking over to a girl and make yourself say hi. Once you've done this a few times, as soon as you say to yourself, "Okay, time to go," you'll start moving to approach without giving it much thought. This can also serve to break you out of the obsessive thought cycles that characterize any kind of "freeze up" scenario and get you back to acting instead of thinking.
Cheers,
Chase
How not to be shy
The no.1 tip I'd say for me personally, get yourself a job that forces you to be social, practice strong EC, you wouldn't believe but you only ever get good results (or at least that was my experience), women fall all over you and men have a lot more respect for you.
Another thing would be to greet people wherever you go, if you bump into someone, (or they you), dont apologise, say hello and smile. For that matter stop apologising completely, unless it's completely neccersery.
Those few things should get you started. :)
Got it..
Once again chase you hit the nail on the head.Thank you :-) .I respect your work to help guys like us who really want to improve their life for good.
So what i am asking now is can you tel me from where should i begin again, like from which articles should i start and with which articles should i end with?
A step by step process, would be grateful if you give an definite chain about reading articles. I mean like what to read after fundamentals uptil the end?
kudos,
Where to Start?
Hey Ash,
Check out "How to Get a Girl," that's essentially this site's quick start guide with a healthy serving of where to start first. Should give you a solid batch of articles to go through before moving onto other posts.
Cheers,
Chase
:-)
thank you.A pleasure to learn from a guy like you. Will take your guidance when i feel im in trouble.
Logistics
I always thought if you don't kiss the girl on the first date she'll most likely end up seeing you more as a friend than a lover but now, looking back, it really makes sense.
Apparently I may have sabotaged myself a bit but now I am happy that your article helped me realise it. ( There's great deal of stuff that you see but you do not observe, man)
I'd like to ask you something regarding logistics.
As of my background I'm romanian, 24, software engineer witout much free time and kind of an introvert.
I live in an apartment at the periphery with two other friends.
Most of the dates I take downtown which as of logistics it's quite bad, but there are not many venues around my apartment.
I was thinking about evening dates in parks and non-crowded outdoor locations and focus more on taking the girl right on the spot but I have quite a few confidence issues about it.
I meet girls mostly through online dating like Tinder (lots of weirdos) and occasionally pick up in night clubs (like twice a month).
I know it's too little and that I shall do hell of a lot more day-game and cold approaches.
Still, strongly focused on paying the bills now :). (Lame excuse)
What would you think would help my efforts to mate the girls I date faster when it comes to logistics.
What would you do?
I previously used to kiss them on the first date, then as a second I'd then invite them home to watch a move or tell them to help me cook. If they refuse few time then I break contact. If they don't, I usually encounter shitloads of lmr.
Can't wait to test the not kissing stuff.
Appreciate your work.
Alex
Online dating
I have been longing to request an article on online dating from you Chase like i like to meet random hot women online and get them to bed but i find it harder to seduce and break the ice online as compared to my real life game please write a detailed article on how to approach , talk and seduce women online thanks in advance
Your well wisher
Adam
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