Social Life

Sometimes we put on facades because our genuine self sucks. Other times because we don’t want to appear ordinary. Can one become both genuine and extraordinary?

What is the difference between being the genuine article and being just a good fake? Before discussing this, let’s throw out the moralistic rulebook of society that says being a fake causes people to gasp audibly and say “Shame on you!” Instead, let’s be real here.

Putting on a facade doesn’t make you a bad guy. It doesn’t necessarily make you anything out of the ordinary, but therein lies the issue – the ordinary. In a world where ordinary often comes up short, is boring, and disappoints, it ought not be the aim, right?

For some, being ordinary is a shield; it is a way we can justify our actions and focus on activities that yield an ordinary result, but a result nonetheless. Ordinary is safe. We relax in the classification of our acts being ordinary because by default it means, no one SHOULD make a fuss, or else they are the crazy one, and if they act crazy trying to take you on, they act crazy trying to take on the whole world.

So it is no small wonder, then, that when we put on a facade, we do so with some sense of reassurance. Every other guy has done it, and if they haven’t, they either should have or are a liar trying to put rules on you they never intend to follow themselves.

And we all know that being the genuine article is preferable, but should we suffer while we try to get to that place more than we already do? Often the answer to this debate in our head comes to a close rather quickly – so quickly that it might not even be a conscious thought. We therefore hold no accountability for the choice and can leave it aside without worry of it ever coming back to bite us. Or can we?

A man’s legitimacy in the eyes of others determines what he can and cannot do. And as legitimacy falls, it influences how that man reacts.

A few weeks ago, I posted about the concept of increasing complexity in the mating market. In it I talked about some ideas inspired by Joseph Tainter's Collapse.

Today I want to talk about one more idea the book inspired. That's legitimacy.

In Collapse, Tainter discusses a society's need to maintain its legitimacy. That the more a society struggles to prove its legitimacy to the people who live within that society, the more it has to direct resources into displays to uphold its legitimacy (like monumental architecture, or war with neighbors to inspire patriotism) or into efforts to coerce its population to go along with things and to stifle dissent.

In fact, not long before a society enters a collapse, its construction of monumental architecture often reaches its peak. Despite the fact that there are fewer and fewer resources available as societies slump toward collapse, the society throws more and more of its shrinking resources into larger and larger buildings and monuments. Likewise, as societies proceed toward collapse, coercion increases, social trust erodes, and everyone ends up looking over his shoulder for those who might imply he's guilty of doing/thinking the forbidden.

All this is fascinating when you apply it to civilizations.

But as I read Tainter, it occurred to me his work applies to men as well.

Because just like a civilization, a man must also labor to establish legitimacy.

And just like a civilization, as a man's legitimacy crumbles, he struggles, often futilely, to uphold it with increasingly grand, or increasingly draconian, ways.

You should always have a few fresh, recent stories to tell about your life.

These don't have to be particularly amazing stories. But they should be a little interesting, they should be recent, and they should display some interesting trait about you.

For instance, do you ever get people run up to you with strange requests? Four days ago I was at a Starbucks, eating a yogurt cup and reading my Kindle. They have this low-fat yogurt at Starbucks that is horrible. I don't know who wants yogurt with the fat out. But if you get the mixed berry yogurt, you can scoop up some berry and granola with the yogurt so it isn't too awful.

Well, I'm sitting there at this table by the window by myself, and I notice some girl hovering nearby. She looks like she's looking out the window, but I think she wants something.

Anyway, I go back to my book and my slightly awful low-fat yogurt.

The girl suddenly appears again, right at my table, and interrupts my reading. She says excuse me, do you have WhatsApp on your phone?

I look at her. She's pretty. But her face is glistening like she's been running a marathon or has a gland problem or something. And she looks all serious and distracted.

I can't tell if she's trying to meet someone and lost her phone, if she's using this as an excuse to meet me, or if she wants to steal my phone.

"I need to log into my WhatsApp account to check my messages," she tells me.

"Oh, sorry," I say. "I don't have WhatsApp."

But she doesn't leave. She just stands there, with her glistening face and her serious, distracted look.

"Oh," she says. "Because I thought everyone has WhatsApp. I just need to log into my account."

I don't know if she didn't hear me or what. She's not even really looking at me now, just glancing around as if scanning for predators. I do a quick mental calculus of "Do I want to go out of my way to help this random sweaty distracted chick? Do I want to tell her she can download WhatsApp to my phone, then sit there and watch her like a hawk while she uses it to make sure she doesn't make a break to run out of Starbucks with it?"

Instead I just tell her "Sorry, I don't have it."

She stands there for another moment, still looking sweaty and distracted. Finally she says "Okay, thanks" and walks off.

I notice her 15 minutes later over at some long table in the Starbucks, texting on a phone, still looking sweaty and serious but now laser-focused on whatever she's texting. So I guess she found someone to lend her a phone.

I dunno, what would you do in that scenario? I might've been more inclined to lend her my phone if she'd used a napkin first and wiped all that sweat off.

The gift of gab can be learned, but it involves more than just words. True smooth talkers master a range of elements that culminate in a complete performance.

Smooth talkers have a deep understanding of what makes a great conversation.

A conversation’s “smoothness” is defined by how it handles transitions – how it moves from one topic to another or goes deeper into a particular topic. It is also defined by how the conversation’s errors are handled (e.g., awkward points, miscommunications, etc.).

The fewer “errors” in a conversation, and the better those errors are handled, the more smooth a conversation will feel. But transitions must also lead somewhere – a conversation can be smooth but boring, and that’s not worth much.

Thus there should be good emotions involved. A conversation shouldn’t only be smooth and fun, but also enriching.

You want the other person – or people – to walk away having learned something, felt a great connection with you, and gained more respect for your character.

What’s difficult to teach about conversation, of course, is the details.

“What do I say?”

If you expect me to tell you what to say, you’ll be disappointed. What to talk about depends on the environment, the context, the people. The occasional anecdote can be great if the context is right for it. But going in with pre-fabricated conversations can backfire, because a good conversation is dynamic. Conversations are note speeches.

What matters most is being able to start a conversation, then keep it going no matter where it goes. Context is everything with a conversation. The ability to make the conversation interesting depends on your familiarity with the context, whatever it may be.

There is one secret that I learned to developing good conversational skills, but it is not in and of itself the answer, only a force that propels you. At the end of this article, I will reveal it, but in order to utilize it, you’ve got to know the basics.

So, to start, I will teach you a system to learn how to smooth talk like a pro. If followed properly, people will seek out your company, because they know the value and the positive motions that will follow in the wake of your presence.

Let’s get to it.

If you meet many 'pick up artists', you may realize the majority aren't very cool. There's a very good explanation as to why (and it's not that talking to girls doesn't work).

Over on the forum, one of our members, Ree, asked a provocative question: "Are pick up artists losers?"

He notes:

"Man i have to ask a very tough question.

when i got into seduction,i imagined a seducer is a guy like james bond.

someone who knows how to handle any social situation,someone skilled,well off,charming and with super tight fundamentals.

yet I am in a whatsapp group with a bunch of seducers and only a few satisfy this image.

most puaz that i have had the misfortune to meet,are guys who have read every article of gc but still have victim mentality,entitlement ,bitterness ,very poor fundamentals,meagre results and when i point this out to them,the reactions are usually very hostile and explosive.

something else i have noticed,the few guys who are good and normal would never react like this

for example, say you walk up to me and say, "ree : your girls are ugly"

i would either try to do something about my purpotedly ugly girl,or i would shrug and ignore you,both ways,nothing anyone can say would make me explode with rage.

however in my experience most people take any criticism very badly,
and this just does not affect their seduction only,most puaz i know are jobless or they have very low value,on top of that ,after reading countless articles,they walk around life with a "i know it all attitude"even though they have no credible achievements.

what is your experiences for those of you who have hang around puaz?is the same true for you guys too?"

If you've met many guys into seduction, you've undoubtedly noticed what Ree has: many aren't so good. Many carry around a lot of negative mindsets. The majority aren't so open to criticism. And by and large, many aren't cool.

But why should this be so -- aren't PUAs, by definition, supposed to be babe magnets?

Feelings of security or fear largely influence how people play the game. Can these factors be used to predict whether someone will play red or black?

The red-black game is a simple reflection of how decision-making affects outcomes, like what’s called the “butterfly effect.” In Part 3, we started to see how trust, fear, and the outcomes of the red-black game are self-fulfilling prophecies.

Throughout my work story, the company CEO and my colleague Monica both played red at various points when I chose to play black. That created chaos for me because I was unprepared – and now, I was about to be defeated.

However, playing red all the time also invites total destruction. Now we’ll find out what led to Monica’s downfall.

To conclude the red-black game series, we’ll see that stability – or the appearance of stability – affects the perception and presence of trust and fear.

In the end, we’ll see that our own beliefs about the world create that reality, as well as the outcomes of the red-black game.

To avoid boring people out when they ask a question like “What do you do?” try answering the question without really answering it.

Learning the nuances of the most basic social norms is something most people don’t give much thought to.

In college, I remember spending a lot of time contemplating how to respond to that weird “Hey, how are you?” exchange that happens when you pass someone you know. Most of the time, they say “Good, how are you?” and don’t even listen as they walk past. Responding with “Good, thanks” is a necessary but useless response.

How do you make those interactions more interesting and less awkward?

I took the time to figure that out, and it helped a lot.

The same goes for the question, “What do you do?”

If you approach a lot of girls – which you should if you want to get dates, sex, and girlfriends – then you’re going to hear “What do you do?” a lot.

It will also come in other forms.

“What do you do for work?”

“What do you do for a living?”

“Where do you work?”

Your answer won’t change much, regardless. As long as you understand the basic root of what they’re asking, answering is simple.

So, what’s going on when someone asks “What do you do?” and how do you respond to it in a way that makes you interesting and cool?

Here are nine ways to do it without giving the typical, boring answer of what you actually do.

First, let’s go over why it’s boring to tell girls what you do – most of the time.