Over on the forum, we had a member report that a girl bartender he’d known a while agreed to go out with him, only to later flake, saying she was “getting to know somebody” and didn’t want to “drag neither him nor anybody into anything.” It was after all clear, she said, that his “plan to do something isn’t just as friends.”
In other words, so long as it’s just friends, she’s fine to do it with him.
If it isn’t, though, she isn’t.
Now, it’s possible the girl might’ve liked him romantically… a bit. These things are not always completely black and white. She was pretty friendly with him, and he talks about some lingering touch between them, being in a conversational bubble with her, etc.
Worth noting that all these interactions happened at her bar, where he was a patron of hers, and at one point met up with her there after she got off work for a chat in her bar. So all his interactions with her throughout were still firmly within the ‘customer frame’. It was only when he pushed to meet up with her outside of work that she excused herself.
So, genuinely attracted a bit (just not enough)? Or just a flirty girl? Could’ve been either.
I do, however, want to use this example to talk about the nature of flaking – and how dependent it is on the girl’s perception of a guy’s value + her perception of his scarcity.
Of course if you know girls who are in nightlife or other social venues a lot, you know they tend to be good at keeping things going with many different guys… good at creating this sense of closeness, of this feeling like things are gradually getting somewhere, all without actually allowing these flirtations to progress to the point where the girl has to put out or else lose the guy out of her back pocket.
Doubly so for girls who work wherever the guy visits them – they want cool guys coming back again and again, having nice chats, leaving nice tips.
If a girl likes you a bit, but not enough to definitely go out or hook up with you, the safest place for her to keep you is in that limbo where you simply do not know if she likes you as more than friends or not (sometimes she herself does not fully know… though she also might indeed know!). Then she can continue to enjoy you in her orbit, without having to decide to get serious about you or else cut you off.
However, all this flakiness gets much reduced as your value and scarcity rises in the girl’s eyes.
In fact, get your (subjective to her) value and scarcity high enough, and girls become significantly less likely to flake on you.
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