(2) Intermediate

When a guy doesn’t do well with girls, usually he finds something to blame. But most of the time, what he blames is not the true culprit.

Everyone is an expert, as the saying goes. The less you know, the more you are convinced there’s nothing you don’t know. People will repeat non-stop how your success with the opposite sex is predetermined. I have too many friends who have been approaching women for years, still whining about things they cannot control instead of focusing on improving what they’ve got. It is ridiculous.

But it makes you wonder: how much is there for the average person to improve, given proper practice and incremental development?

Different men approach meeting girls from wildly different paradigms. What does your paradigm say about you – and how’s it impact your success?

The other day, commenting below Alek’s fourth installment on his series about meeting girls in gay bars, a reader named BMontana remarked:

“[A]s a man, I not only want to get laid but I also want a woman to chose me over other straight guys, it’s an ego thing I guess. Now I wouldn’t mind picking up a girl in a gay bar if I was 100% sure I would succeed but still knowing that I am one of the few non gay guys won’t give me the satisfaction that I would have gotten when picking up a woman in a regular bar.”

It’s an interesting girl-getting paradigm: I’m most satisfied with a pickup if the girl chooses me over other men.

At first I mistook BMontana’s paradigm for: I’m most satisfied with a pickup if I vanquish other men. But I realized that is yet another paradigm. BMontana wants to feel picked by the girl over other offers, rather than to defeat other men in a battle of skills, wit, or will.

What I’d like to do today is to explore the different potential paradigms a man may have when it comes to securing new women. Some of these paradigms are more helpful than others; however, I will not present them in order of effectiveness.

Instead, we’ll talk a bit about what makes a paradigm more or less effective, and then we’ll discuss the seven (7) paradigms a man may use. Note that your paradigm will tend to be your default; when you operate from a paradigm, it is how you normally interact with the opposite sex.

The paradigm you inhabit colors your dating world: how you think about women, you interpret the signs and signals they give you, and how successful (or not) you are, in various situations, with various women.

Once you’ve hit it off with a girl in a gay bar, how do you pick her up? By showing you’re straight, beating her tests – and turning her on.

Welcome to Part 4 of my series on meeting girls in gay venues. Here are links to the other articles:

If you want to be respected, you must set boundaries. But how do you set these, without looking reactive, defensive, or weak?

A former student of mine asked:

“Hey, Denton, how do you balance being grounded and not being affected by others while also not being weak, a pushover, or being seen as passive?”

How can you assert boundaries without appearing reactionary? When your girlfriend is acting up, you cannot possibly ignore her. If a guy is aggressively crossing the line, you cannot simply stand by. What is one to do?

These are great questions! And they are often a source of dilemma for many guys.

Well, I find the biggest misunderstanding is the huge difference between being grounded and being passive.

In gay bars, you don’t want to be an approach machine. Instead, it’s often best to let girls come to you. Also vital here: your vibe and conversation topics.

Welcome back. This is part 3 in my series on how to meet girls in gay bars. You may read parts 1 and 2 here:

• Part 1: Types of Gay Venues

• Part 2: Gay Bar Patrons

In this post, I will start getting into the whole “how to seduce in a gay club” thing, but keep in mind that this will not be a seduction guide from A to Z.

Most of the usual seduction rules still apply in gay venues. I remember the times I’ve brought skilled seducers into the gay environment, such as when Pablo Garcia visited me a few weeks back and asked me how to work these venues. I usually tell guys to do what they would normally do. Truth is, it doesn’t take much time to figure out the dynamics in these venues. You will not be seducing dudes, you will be seducing bisexual and straight women. It is not that different from what you would usually do.

It is just the environment that changes. In the case of a bar, only the crowd has changed, but you still have to deal with usual “bar vibe” related things. For instance, with clubs, you still have to deal with wildcards, noise, chaos, and all that good stuff.

Overall, things are more or less the same, with the only exception being that big chunks of the crowd will be gay.

So in this post, we will discuss the elements that are unique to the gay environment as they relate to seduction. I will cover the things you will have to keep in mind when hunting in this community.

Basically, I will cover a set of rules. In my next post, I will cover how you can work through each phase of the seduction and cover the elements that are specific to this environment.

Anyway, let us get back on point.

There are tons of great dating and self-improvement advice to turn yourself into a slick Casanova. But how many guys actually listen?

The inspiration for this article came from reading the Girls Chase forums, where I’ve noticed various flame wars initiated over the years by certain users who ask a detailed question about how to improve an aspect of their dating lives. The user then receives superb advice from fellow members who come with various levels of experience and angles... but the user doesn’t just ignore the angles presented, he flat-out rejects them.

Other concerned members step in and suggest that the user honestly consider the advice with an open mind – most importantly, to try it out before dismissing it.

In many cases, the advice has something to do with an obvious fundamental barrier that the asker is simply unwilling to explore. He thinks the issue isn’t important, or that it doesn’t apply to him, so he continues to ignore it, remains open only to the answers he came to hear, and eventually the discussion fizzles after everyone bails out of frustration.

Then, months later, the same forum user returns, asks the same question, and proceeds to reject the advice he is given – again. The cycle repeats.

Our friend remains in his bubble, static, unmoved, destined to repeat the same failures over and over again until he learns his lesson some other way – most likely the hard way – or never at all. That’s his choice. It's a conniving paradox. At his disposal is an invaluable resource – a group of like-minded men who will undoubtedly help him accelerate his goals. His inability to just shut up, open his mind, and trust the advice of experienced teachers and peers render his efforts practically futile.

It boggles the mind. How is a student able to judge good advice? How can a student know that a particular piece of advice is not at all applicable to him? How can someone who is seeking knowledge close his mind when multiple, experienced, well-intentioned peers are telling him the same thing?

Have a bad night at the bar and you may want to give up and go home. But it’s not over just because you’re off to a bad start.

Every time you step outside your door, you enter a world filled with different, random, unknown others. Some of those others will be delighted to meet you. Some will be indifferent to you. Some will be rude, dismissive, or flat-out hostile. And on any given outing, the proportions of each of these groups you meet will be somewhat random.

There are a variety of ways you can increase the odds you meet folks delighted to encounter you, and minimize the odds you meet folks who want nothing to do with you. Some of those ways include:

• Improving your fundamentals so you are by default a more attractive, appealing human being

• Tailoring yourself toward the types of girls (or people) you want to meet, so you are by default the sort of man your sort of woman wants to encounter (after all, like attracts like)

• Looking for signs of interest and approach invitations that alert you a woman wants you to say hi
  

• Building social momentum, often by being a naturally sociable guy, so you come across friendly and likeable, and people receive you more warmly

• Choosing to socialize in low competition environments, where women have lower walls to approach and are more open to conversation with strangers
  

Yet, you won’t always be able to implement all these items. Sometimes you may want to check out a new venue, or you reach a preferred venue on an off night and discover the crowd is different from usual. Suddenly, you’re not tailored to the girls present and the environment is not so low competition.

And regardless the steps you take, there is always that element of randomness in the people you meet. Sometimes you’ll go out and every girl you talk to wants nothing to do with you. Other times you’ll go out and the second or third (or even the first) girl you talk to is all over you and ends up going home with you.

Each time you’ll be inclined to think “it’s you.” When the girls reject you left and right: “I must be really off my game tonight,” or, “Did I dress in a weird way or something? Am I putting out a weird vibe?” And when girls are all over you: “Damn, I’m good!”

Yet much of the time it’s pure chance. It’s often dumb (bad) luck when you get that string of girls who reject you all in a row. And more dumb (this time, good) luck when one of the first girls you talk to is the one you take home.

Today, I’m going to give you some tools to employ when you hit bad luck any given night. This post assumes you go out and talk to various (i.e., more than two or three) people with an intent to find a girl to take a number from or to take home. If this is not your style, it still might be an interesting read; in that case, read it through, file it away, and pull it out should you ever find yourself emboldened to meet enough girls to find that one you click with and can take home.