Tactics Tuesdays: How to Screen Her on Touchy Topics | Girls Chase

Tactics Tuesdays: How to Screen Her on Touchy Topics

Chase Amante

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touchy topics
Women conceal the past. So how do you get the skinny on them on touchy topics… Without them shutting down or blowing up?

A reader named Eric writes in:

Hey, just wondering how do you screen a girl for topics that she might not want to talk about or for things that wouldn’t be in her best interest to tell you like daddy issues or if she has ever cheated in a relationship without coming off as too insecure or too aggressive?

This is a pretty fun topic. How do you get girls to be straight with you on stuff they’d rather not be?

Two days ago, I published “Why Won’t Women Just Say What They Want?”, which is all about women’s tendency toward the vague and ambiguous. This can make it hard to nail a girl down on some topics... Especially the topics she doesn’t want you to nail her down on.

Further, women usually cloak the less marketable parts of their pasts in secrecy (and even go so far as to discourage investigation into their pasts: “Why does it matter?” “The past is irrelevant!”). Men do this too, but the female version of the murky past is the big leagues; men are the J.V. squad of concealment, compared to how women do.

Yet, those parts of her past she doesn’t want you to know about may be exactly the things you need to know about most. In “Why Her Past Matters If You Want Something Serious”, I shared a trio of scientific investigations into women’s age at first sex, their tendencies to sleep with male friends, and their religious service attendance... and how these three things relate to the level of fidelity you can expect from them, on average. And in “How Many Partners Has Your Girlfriend Had? Find Out Here”, I highlight a study that finds a woman’s infidelity risk rises 7% for each additional sex partner she has.

Particularly if you want a long-term relationship with a girl, there’s a good chance you want to know the things she may not want you to. But how do you find these things out, without her lying to you or spiraling into auto-rejection?

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his One Date System.

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Comments

Anonym's picture

Hi Chase,

thanks for the article. But I doubt I would be able to actually do it. I have never even kissed a girl so I do not have sex or love experiences and stories to share. I am uncomfortable to talk about those issues, in most cases even with my male friends. I am not wild or adventurous and I actually am a quiet and conservative guy. By reading GirlsChase I learn to understand and be less judgmental - I have better idea about what women do, but it is just a theoretical knowledge and theoretical non-judgement (I have never talked with a woman about sexuality). I prefer to avoid talking about it, because I do not want her to know or to ask about my inexperience. I do not want to lie to her either or to fake being the super wild guy with no limits who you described in the article. Is here a way how under these circumstances to know more about a girl's past (thing like her number of partners, cheating or hook ups) at the beginning of the relationship (f.e. on the first or second date)?

And one more point: you wrote "I mean, when’s the last time you booked a trip somewhere and went, the next day? Most people can’t, because they have work. But they have vacation time! They could at least book a trip and go the next week, or two weeks from now. But they only go boring safe tourist places. IF they go anywhere at all. Or when’s the last time you went on stage in front of an audience? When’s the last time you hooked up with someone you’re not supposed to hook up with at all, like the guy is just ugly and nasty but he’s so sexy you just can’t help yourself? Most people are limited....That’s being anti-judgmental. I’ve had girls tell me the craziest things after a little speech like this."

Here I believe you are a bit judgmental towards people who are not that wild and spontaneous, not just being non- or anti-judgmental.

Thank you.

Anonym

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anonym-

The only effective way I know is the one in this article.

I realize it seems intimidating to try at first. However, it's one of those things, like the first time you walk up to a girl, the first time you kiss a girl, or the first time you ask a girl home. Seems SUPER intimidating, and then you do it, and you're kind of awkward, but it's not that bad. And then you do it another time, with another girl, and it's a little easier and a little more natural. And then you do it with yet another girl, and it's yet easier and yet more natural. Etc.

I'm not judgmental toward 'normal people'; I'm one of the least judgmental people you will ever meet. I'm not a wild or spontaneous guy myself, and most of my life was pretty ordinary. But for the sake of the seduction, it's quite useful to contrast yourself against the monotony of average life. You know why people go to movies about extraordinary people, events, and circumstances, right? Same reason people hook up. If you can evoke those emotions too, you increase the odds she indulges in an escape... with you.

Chase

SZ's picture

1.How do you know she isn't lying when she says no or no and a story in a calm way?

2.Are daddy issues when there is no dad present?

A lot of the girls I talk to don't have their dad in their life, how terrible is that?

3. When you get into arguments with your girl and she always says sorry it's her fault in a very soft sad voice and wants to hug you and be affectionate. Does that mean anything really?

And

And what does tfw mean? Never seen that b4

Author
Chase Amante's picture

SZ-

Check out this article:

Daddy issues happen most often when there's no father present, yes, or when the father who is present is negligent. If you're dating in the black community, and most women don't know their fathers, you'll need to adjust your standards; most girls will have some kind of daddy issue, but you'll be looking for the ones who are stabler and less affected than the girls who are nuttier / more affected.

When a girl apologizes and gets soft and affectionate that is her submitting to you. It means you have 'won' the argument, and she is now making peace. This is the best normal outcome for arguments. It's partly you and how you deal with arguments, but it's also partly the girl herself: how secure she feels in the relationship (the more secure she feels, the more comfortable she'll feel submitting if she feels you 'won'), how likely she is to submit vs. defy, etc.

tfw = "that face when"

Pretty sure it originates on black Twitter...

Chase

Washington Trees's picture

hey Chase,

awesome article. When you said you asked a lot of girls a lot of personal things & i'm not sure if you mentioned it, but how do i know when a girl is comfortable enough w/ me/any guy to get her to be honest on talking about these personal things?

At least after first sex i would guess, or maybe a couple weeks? or other factors too?

i read this article on pysch about how sex promotes self-disclosure, makes sense. here it is if you're interested -
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/intimately-connected/201703/sex-unl.... you probably already knew this stuff tho ahah.

How big of a deal is talking about these kinds of things for women? Are girls an open book for everyone who asks as long as the person who asks is non-judgy & it feels natural or do they open up more so for people they feel closer too/guys they're interested in?

Also for the girl sex questions with how ugly the guy was & "not super ugly" and the other one saying "there was this guy I was seeing..." what stories did those girls tell? they were good cliffhangers and im curious now

-WashingtonTrees

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Washington Trees-

Cool name.

Yes, sex releases oxytocin in women's brains, which promotes trust and bonding (leading to self-disclosure). But you can get girls to self-disclose plenty even before sex.

I like to deep dive, and I'll often use that to ask girls personal questions. Some topics are better avoided before sex if you want to sleep with a girl (better to save for after). Though you can get to almost anything with deep diving + good directing of the conversation.

Sometimes I'll have a girl one-on-one, and we'll cross that moment where suddenly you messed up and your attainability is just shot and she feels like you're way out of her league. You notice her start to close off and get a bit defensive. When that happens, unless I'm crazy about her and can honestly show a lot of warmth and desire, rather than fake it I will just take the opportunity to totally open up the hood on her and interview her about anything I'm curious about. This is very interesting to me, so rather than chase after a girl I'm not that excited about and who knows I'm not that excited about, I can be genuinely interested in her as a human being, and have her tell me all kinds of fascinating things about herself (which makes me better able to read / intuit about other girls I meet in the future who are like her).

There is, I guess, the added bonus that once you've had her get completely raw and totally open with you, your attainability rebounds, though typically into almost soul mate territory. Usually I won't sleep with a girl if we've gone this broad and deep before sex, just because at that point she essentially sees me as a potential life partner and I neither want to be irresponsible toward her, nor do I want the headache of managing expectations with a girl who now views our connection as magical.

So a lot of the times, for topics I think might 'soul mate' me, I will save those until after sex, at which point you can just ask them kind of casually: [running your fingers along her skin] "You ever [whatever it is]?"

I suggest you generally try to find out everything you want to find out about a girl in the first two weeks or so of dating her, since this is the least stable period, when you are just some guy she's hooking up with (especially if you run the early relationship as I suggest). Past this, as she gets more attached to you, she can start to feel more bashful about certain topics, so it's better if you've talked about them earlier, when you're still "just some guy" to her, and not "maybe my future husband."

How big of a deal is talking about these kinds of things for women? Are girls an open book for everyone who asks as long as the person who asks is non-judgy & it feels natural or do they open up more so for people they feel closer too/guys they're interested in?

Depends on the girl.

Some girls are open book sorts. Some girls are open to those they feel comfortable with, closed to those they don't. Some girls are super paranoid about being judged, and closed with everyone.

To me, this is actually a screening criteria in and of itself. If I screen a girl on personal topics and she gets clearly very uncomfortable, that's an indication she is too secretive / paranoid for me. This is different from a girl who gets nervous or shy; that's fine. But if she gets that deer in the headlights "Oh shit. Is he asking about stuff I don't want to tell him?" look, that's a red light for me.

Also for the girl sex questions with how ugly the guy was & "not super ugly" and the other one saying "there was this guy I was seeing..." what stories did those girls tell? they were good cliffhangers and im curious now

Those are just ad libbed examples. I've heard dozens of stories like these from girls though.

e.g., a girl talking about an ugly boyfriend she had who was convinced he was very good looking, and she would never say anything to him but always thought it was kind of funny and cute (that story made me mildly insecure about my looks for a while: "Are girlfriends just bullshitting me when they tell me I'm handsome? How could I know, because of course they'd claim they aren't bullshitting if I asked!").

Chase

KnitterQueen's picture

I thought this article was going to be about touchy divisive subjects. Many women have strong opinions on either side of todays divisive, "tribal" subjects. Those opinions may differ from the guy approaching her. Subjects like: "are you a vegan, or not?" "Black or Blue lives matter"? "Trump is a crook or Trump "at least shakes things up"?

I read an earlier Chase article where he says to avoid such topics when you can, and to avoid women who get into passionate rants about such subjects. Such rants yield the opposite of a flirty atmosphere. I think that is true. But just in case someone finds themselves in such a debate, is there any possibility to turn it around?

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