Can You Flirt at Work Under the Radar? Why Yes You Can | Girls Chase

Can You Flirt at Work Under the Radar? Why Yes You Can

Chase Amante

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7

flirt at workIn the post on indirect game, Dave asked the following about flirting at work and in other non-anonymous social situations where romance may not be the focus of the gathering at hand:

Hello Chase,
there's something about indirect rapport I'm not sure you've covered and it might be interesting. Very often and especially with girls whom you're likely to meet again - colleagues, fellow students etc. - it seems to me going true indirect could make sense (while still being sexy that is, but not saying "I'm kidding, I just thought you were cute" which is in fact direct but just delayed 3 seconds) because it allows the girl to pretend she didn't know you were seducing her. She can then tell herself (or her friends) that she's completely innocent and didn't help you or make it easy for you. On the other hand, directness and indirect direct polarize reactions so it can easily become awkward if you have to see them on a regular basis afterwards. Maybe you could add a few words on this.
Dave

It's a tight rope to walk - how do you express interest and flirt with colleagues and coworkers without being so obvious about it that you risk an ugly rejection or a (decidedly non-professional) label as the office flirt?

I'm going to focus mostly on work situations here, largely because we've already covered the classroom (see: "Cute Girls in Class? Stop Flirting and Start DATING"). As with that article, the topic here is going to be not just how you can flirt with (a modicum of) subtlety, but also how you can actually make something happen.

Because, while flirting is undeniably fun in its own right, taking that coworker you've been flirting with for months for a hot date or a roll in the hay is a lot more fun.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his One Date System.

GET CHASE’S ONE DATE SYSTEM

Comments

Next Best Thing's picture

Hey Chase,
I have read a lot of ur articles on here n ur advice has helped me a bunch, thank you! Chase, I'm havin 2 problems that are frustrating the hell outta me tho.
First off, I have worked on my fundamentals a lot n have been told I'm an attractive guy. I've hooked up with a few girls from work in the past but lately I've been getting the feeling that none of the girls from work take me seriously anymore, I think i might've disqualified myself from being boyfriend material TOO much. Don't get me wrong, I'm still not looking for anything serious, but it's gotten to the point where girls kno exactly what I'm all about that they don't even bother talkin too me because they 're lookin for somethin serious. Even new girls can tell i have this player vibe n become disinterested. I'm not a jerk either, i get along with everyone jus great! In ur articles it says to not be too nice n let them know that ur attracted to them. U also say to disqualify urself from boyfriend material which ive done....maybe TOO well. It's not jus girls from work tho, it's girls in general, they are all lookin for a relationship n I'm not really sure how to keep them around. What am i doing wrong?
Second, I mentioned that I'm a decent lookin cat n do fine with girls but sometimes when I'm out at bars I can't help but notice guys who look way better than me. I kno that no matter how much I work on myself, I will never look like them, n it's fine! I gotta play with the cards I've been dealt, n I kno there's always gonna be someone better than me at gettin girls, I kno. But myquestion is this, I TOO have seen guys who look like s#@t n have these gorgeous girlfriends! These ugly dudes are super comfortable with their girlfriends talkin to better lookin dudes at the bar, how is that? If it was me, I wouldn't start a fight or anything but I would be a little nervous ya kno? How do they do it? How do i adopt this kind of mentality?
Thanks Chase!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

NBT–

Sounds like a frustrating scenario with girls at work, yeah. When you’re cool and well-liked and women are still avoiding you regardless of this, it always comes down to one of two things, both awareness-related – either:

  1. You’re still actually a lot more “boyfriend material” than you realize, and girls only want you for that but have figured out they won’t get you for that and auto-rejected, or

  2. You’re missing something to make women value you as a potential lover – could be you need a stronger sexy vibe, could be you need more warmth and genuineness (if you’re coming across too player-ish)

My guess, if you have a player vibe, is it’s the latter – you have a fun, likeable, “I’m having a good time, why aren’t you having a good time, come on and let’s have a good time together” vibe, but it doesn’t feel real and it doesn’t feel like you’re serious about building real connections with women. If you can change that, and get focused on women and turn off the player for a while, you can probably elicit a change in attitude from your workmates.

On ugly guys with hot girlfriends – it’s a combination of abundance mentality mixed with confidence in their hold over the girls plus the girl’s known sexual tendencies. If you know women are nuts about you, and that your girl has a low partner count and isn’t the type who jumps ship at the first hunky guy, and regardless even if she did you could replace her like that, your Zen in situations like this where attractive men are hitting on your girl goes up a great deal.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hi,

Great article as always it got me thinking of what kind of process do you need to pin down in order to pull girls that are in work mode. I would be interested in an article like that.

Thanks!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Depends what you mean by work mode, and depends what you mean by pull! If you're talking women who are focused hard on getting their work done, and by pull you mean pull her home and take her to bed, well, it's going to take some incredibly strong fundamentals on your part, and just the right angle to get her broken out of autopilot - and also a little luck; even if a girl likes you a lot, she naturally has buckets of resistance about leaving work and going with you. So you need a girl who either just doesn't care, or wants it (you) so bad that she's wiling to set concerns over work aside - and that's a very rare thing!

If on the other hand you mean how to approach hired guns and girls who are working (waitresses, clerks, etc.), then stay tuned - I expect to have something up on that soon!

Chase

lance's picture

Hi Chase,

Thanks for another amazing article. I think the tactics from this article can be very well applied to college scene too. I'm not too sure, but I will try and see how it goes...

What do you think I should be aware of if I used them?

By the way, if you don't mind, I'd like to ask you a question that is not that related to picking up girls (maybe related to the other article about making female friends): there are a few girls in my class who are not that attractive to me, basically, I have not noticed them at all (maybe I'm a little bad for that). But for some reasons, we got a chance to introduce to each other after many weeks since the beginning of semester, and I found them pretty nice and smart that I want to be friends with. However, when I ask them to just hang out, like going for a coffee, study review, hiking... they act really, really indifferent to the suggestions. And even when I just say hi to them, they are still very cold. But that is only if I say hi, otherwise, they will just pretend not seeing me at all...

What do you think what's going on, Chase? I don't know if they liked me then got cold because I didn't open them earlier, or they just don't like hanging out with me?

Thanks!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Lance-

Glad you liked it - you can indeed apply this to certain college settings. Depending on what your classes look like, you might struggle to use it there - if you can find time to flirt surreptitiously before / during / after class, you can, though in many classes you may not be afforded that opportunity.

However, you can almost certainly use these same guidelines for group projects, computer labs, cafeteria settings, and dorm hall / student apartment building hallways.

The main difference with college is, unless you're in a really small school, the downside for making a mistake here is a lot less (and even in a really small school, there's a lot less downside than in a work environment). What that means is, you can generally be more forward/aggressive in school than you'd be at work, because you have less to lose and less need to beat around the bush. In fact, women are more tolerant of you flying under the radar at work than in school - you more or less need to be a bit more forward in school than you would be in an office setting.

The difference really comes down to timetables - whereas you might take weeks or months to court a coworker, you're usually best not taking more than two weeks at maximum to court a classmate. There's also usually a lot more dating and a lot more competition going on in school than there is in the office, which makes moving faster of greater importance in school (the more competition and the more aggressive that competition is, normally, the more you've got to be making things happen quickly, while still smoothly and attractively, of course).

The coldness / indifference from the girls you don't find that attractive is a strong indication that they likely see you as being out of their league. Women will get very cold to you when they think you're too handsome / cool / whatever unattainable thing for them, to the point of acting snarky, or like they think they're superior to you... it's ego protection. It could be a few different things - your vibe, your walk, your looks, people they've seen you interact with in class - but whichever one it is, there's something about you that's signaling to them that they haven't got a chance with you romantically, which makes them not want anything to do with you (it feels bad for a woman to spend time around a man she knows does not want her and has no interest in her).

The best thing you can do to avoid this happening is really nailing down a warm, accepting vibe that oozes sexuality, to the point where every woman who talks to you feels like you'd probably tear her clothes off if given the right environment. If you get this down right, you can mix it with just enough aloofness that a girl you wouldn't really go for will feel like, "God, there's a sexy man... I don't know if he'd go for me, but I'd sure like to get him alone and find out!"

Basically, you want to tailor the impression you make so that it reaches the point where women aren't sure if they can get you or not... but they'd very much like to, if they could.

If you can strip a woman of the fear of rejection, you can make her all but immune to auto-rejection, and once the possibility of auto-rejection is gone, and you seem like an otherwise very attractive, high value guy, you're able to interact with virtually any woman you like without having to worry about coldness (except from the most insecure of women, who will auto-reject no matter how warm you are if you seem like you're far above where they think they their "ceiling" with men is).

Chase

Zac's picture

I read the conflict between men and women in the 21th century. So i always tried to be Galliant, and some women do turn "retards" at work. So do they are to be treated as males? Some ass kicking to do. :D

Still confuse, it takes proper reading of environment, because it can interchange. More like the big dog who walks with a big stick, the reference you made in one of your older article.

Zac

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Zac-

Sometimes you really can only interact with a woman as if she's a male - either your powers of seduction as a Gallant aren't powerful enough yet, or she's so deeply entrenched in an Equal mindset that she's just going to walk all over a Gallant and think him clueless.

And that's okay, if all you have to do is work with them - you can treat them like you would a male coworker, except with a little bit more reserve (even when I was being completely mild-mannered and innocent with female coworkers, I remember having some of them go on the attack against me because they felt I wasn't deferential enough if they were in higher positions than me or whatnot, often to the shock and bewilderment of my other male and female superiors and colleagues alike). They're still women, and still more emotional - they just don't want to be treated like they are, is all.

Yes, with the office environment, a lot of times it's better to go in and keep your mouth shut and head down and just be cool and nice and polite and punctual until you get a lay of the land and figure out who's who. You don't want to go stirring up anything until you know what hierarchies are in place - as much as you want to skirt the hierarchy, people generally organize themselves into them in workplaces, and the cutthroat people there (men and women) generally are good at playing to the hierarchy for what they want, to an extent - at some point in most organizations, you'll run into higher ups who think all the political intrigue of their subordinates is petty and ridiculous, and those are the people you want to ally with to shield you from schemers at the lower levels.

Once you know who's who, you can adopt a "normally Gallant, but Equal with Persons X and Y" mentality while there and be confident you're winning over most women and at least on neutral territory with the hardcore Equals.

Chase

Zac's picture

Firmly believe women are deep entrenched in the Equal setting.

Wow, i can't believe i share the same experience with you when you said your colleagues were bewildered because some women attack you. :)

Be Gallant but Equal with Person X and Y. You know, I find it related somehow to the 4 types of women article. The Strong Experienced clashes with Strong Experienced.

Zac

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Zac-

Very good point. Yes, I can't work with TR/EX women or FT/IN women... TR/EX women we're either at each other's throats, or we just have to stay out of each other's ways. FT/IN women I'm just going to terrify by talking around so I always tried to avoid them. Nothing in common, anyway.

Hmm. I hadn't thought about that in a work setting, but yes, makes sense. The women I had conflicts with at work were all TR/EXes... I still get annoyed thinking about those individuals (as do the majority of my former colleagues, I have no doubt... even my "toe-the-party-line-buy-into-the-hierarchy" workmate got chewed by them out on occasion, which was admittedly a little amusing to see).

Chase

Zac's picture

Haha!! Sad about your workmate.

I guess, if you in a work environment, you can only do just as much trying to comform to following standard rules and hierarchies in a place, because all in all, you can't really, please everyone, and you have to know that yourself to have your identity there, or get suck in between.

An insight indeed.

Zac

xchaser's picture

Hi Chase,
I thank you on behalf of all readers from India on changing lives simply by not chasing girls.
Specially in India guys watching all those romatic Indian films ending chasing the girl they love all the way simply to loose ........because all the dynamics you talked will play out ....poor guy is killed....

However i would request you to do a piece on what not to apply in India as some of your advice doesnt work in India bec the girls as primed by a different social culture ....that again gets the guy down even though he gets and learns what you have taught .....

It happened to me too .......i almost succeded bec of what i executed on my learning from this site but made mistakes that could have worked out well in US

Also thanks a ton in writing a piece on my request earlier ....U r God to guys who r looking for love

thanks in advance,
Xchaser

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Xchaser-

Media can have a pretty big impact on people, especially men. I've seen several studies that have found that men are more romantic than women, on average, fall in love sooner, and get hurt more by breakups. I think if you're a woman, you think romantic movies are sweet, but you have enough men approaching you and talking to you and hitting on you and dating you and having relationships with you at all times that you have a very clear distinction between what's going on in the movies and what your real life looks like. You might be a little resentful that the men you're attracted to in real life don't behave like the men in the movies you watch, but at least you have men.

A lot of the men watching those movies have no women at all in real life, and sit there wondering why the stuff from the movies don't work. (and the guys who are naturally good just don't watch those movies and don't care about what the actors in them are doing or saying because it isn't real and they know it)

I'd love to write about dating in India, except... I'm not really in a position to do so (at least not yet)! I still haven't made it to India yet (although I very much want to and intend to - India itself I hear all kinds of fascinating things about, and while a subset of Indian women leave something to be desired, the ones at the beautiful end of the spectrum can be really beautiful and incredibly sexy), and my personal experience with Indian women has been limited to Westernized Indian women - women from India, but working in the West and living Western lives (still dating mostly Indian men, but I'm rarely the first white man the ones I meet have been with). The nuances of dating in India as an Indian man in his native culture (and dealing with the expectations that go along with it) I'd have to write speculatively to write about - I'd be talking about something I haven't experienced first hand, and it'd be hearsay at best, hollow keyboard jockeying at worst.

I would be interested to know some of the challenges you've run into in India trying to implement some of the things you've learned here, though - can I convince you to make a post on the discussion boards about how you've found dating in India using this stuff, and what's worked, and what's been difficult or fallen flat?

Perhaps I or some of the other members on there can provide suggestions - I know we have a few other guys from India who post there at least some of the time too.

Chase

JJ1988's picture

Thanks!
For everything, this site has been GREAT with helping me come out of my shell, I've had just no idea what to do...
Especially this article, I've been wondering how to ask out a cute girl here at work without being too pushy and screwing up the work environment.

This article has been a huge help, and I'm glad to see I naturally ended up starting the right path. I've kept distant but friendly, with the occasional long convo and the casual "you look nice today" with laughs and smiles from her. But now I see what next I need to do.

Seriously thanks for being such help!

wesk's picture

Chase, thank you for creating such a website that's not only full valuable information, but visually appealing/entertaining, and easy to navigate.

My question is if there is any way out of an "awkward situation" at work?

Is there a best way to handle it when you must see the girl every day at work?

Should this girl be treated any differently than any other you might be flirt with (that likes it)? I.E., is any attempt to be 'sexy' or use cocky-comedy just going to backfire and make things even worse?

Is there any hope for turning an awkward situation around (if you have to see her every day)? If so, what's the best action or in-action to take?

Thanks.

Max1991's picture

Hey Chase,

There's this new girl working at the reception desk for about a month now. I'm definitely ready to ask her out, it's just that finding the right moment is hard. I like her, she's nice to talk to and I've picked up on some signs indicating she'd probably say yes. In a non-work environment I would've asked her out already. But the situation's a bit more complex:

- There's almost always a female colleague sitting next to her at the reception desk.
- Every day there are lots of visitors, incoming telephone calls and questions from coworkers so she's busy most of the time.
- I can't really see whether she's busy or not, we just get to talk occasionally
- Competition is fierce although I think they aren't really getting anywhere.

So far I've kept my interest levels at a minimum, kept conversations short unless she engaged and was always the first one to end them. But there's definitely some tension between us. You got any more tricks up your sleeve to pull this one off asap? I know the time is right and I can't wait too long but I wanna get the circumstances right as well. Thanks in advance and keep spreading the wisdom :)

Max

Murf 's picture

Wow you're so spot on its ridiculous. I'm very good with women and I really took away some valuable information so thank you. I think the best take away from this article is kinda what you said in the beginning, and you're number 1. Break out your sexual vibe

Being sexy is subtle. Meaning guys that are true players aren't obvious, they're just sexy. You don't need to say this, or say that. You don't need to be this or be that. Whether it's a girl you're interested in or not, you're just sexy. It's that simple. Now I really really simplified it, this in fact is the toughest thing for most guys to grasp. Because really it's about being your best self, being sexy can only be obtained through self reflection. Meaning being your true self... And anyone that's their true self, is super confident, and ultimately super sexy.

At work guys always come up to me and say why are you always surrounded by women, what is your secret. Now guys are stupid, they think it's because I'm tall and good looking. Sure that helps, but let me tell you I was tall and good looking in my 20s and a complete loser with women. What it really comes down to is confidence, it's the number 1 aphrodisiac for women. Not looks, not money, not height.... CONFIDENCE. At work I'm funny, a ball buster, but always nice. One of my favorite things to do for girls is favors, my secret though is, bitch the entire time I'm doing them the favor. So the great thing about this is, I'm doing them something nice but I'm making it obvious I'm not happy about it. They laugh EVERYTIME, it's gold. I make sure to let them know that my service is a privilege not a needy nice guy deed. If they ask me to do something I say, you know my boss wants me to keep an inventory of everything I do, so I'll put annoying "Jen" from accounting wants me to throw these documents away for her....I'll do it, nice... But bust her balls about it, funny.

Anyway you knew this, but I love your article. It's gold. Tough to grasp for rookies but over time this can be learned. The most important is number 1 but again that is super hard to learn and takes time.

Also Being sexy isn't about what you say, but how you say it. Girls don't say in their head, wow this guy is sexy I like him therefore I want to hang out with him. All they know is they like the emotions they feel when they're around you, and that's why they ask for help, include you in girl exclusive convos, etc. that's the bottom line.

Barra Andro's picture

Great article, thanks!

Just one things:

It's not such a bad thing to fall in love. Doesn't mean you're "off your game". Sleeping with loads of people is nice, but so is finding someone you're compatible with. Chill out, article author.

cohiba's picture

One of the best ways to be discrete is to use work instant messenger like jabber. now, you don't want to use this to say anything that could come back to bite you, but it is a way to get a girl essentially texting you. You can have secret conversations at work in the same room without others knowing - makes it kinda exciting. its easy to get them texting you cause its an official work thing, its not like you had to exchange phone numbers. I learned this by watching an office mate of mine introduce our company jabber to me and a female coworker - on separate occasions though. I sent her a message before he got her on it. she never responded. she knows I sent the message. she only talks to me in person and giggles incessantly around me. but I can see she now has an active jabber up all the time. so does he. I can hear them typing back and forth to each other. I think they even went to the extent of hiding the keystrokes with using the accessibility keyboard cause I kept hearing her make so many mouse clicks that it had to be typing a message. She was pretty into me, but I think this guy kinda gained ground quick. Its a tactic I may use in the future. I think she still likes me but in some way she is starting to friendzone me and be validation to this dude, which kinda sucks. but better to not get involved at work anyway. 

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