How to Build a Harem, Pt 7: The Ethics of Non-Transparency | Girls Chase

How to Build a Harem, Pt 7: The Ethics of Non-Transparency

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ethics of non-transparency
In a non-monogamous relationship, is it ethical to keep your partners in the dark about each other? Let’s explore the reasons why it is – for you and for them.

Girls Chase reader Damien asked me a question about a relationship he had with a woman that lasted two years in a non-monogamous setup. He noted that his girlfriend was mostly drama-free and easy to manage, which is the way it should be.

However, Damien also mentioned that he felt like he was lying to her at times by withholding information about what he was doing with other girls. I thought this was an interesting topic to explore in the context of this system and non-monogamy in general.

Damien writes:

“I had a non-monogamous relationship for two years where I ran things exactly like described in this article, but it always felt like I was lying to the girl (even though I was just not telling her the details). Also, that girl was low-drama and easy to manage.

So, should a man tell his partner about all his activities, or is it better for him to protect his partner by withholding certain information that he knows could be harmful to their relationship? It’s a tough question, one that is worthy of an article because it’s the central concept of understanding how the harem system works – and all implicit systems.

We’re going to explore the ethics and philosophy behind the harem system. As you’ll see, the system was not designed to enable men to lie to women – quite the opposite. It was designed to protect and sustain women and to look out for their interests.

It’s a non-monogamous system, so it does largely cater to men. After all, it’s an innate male desire to have sex with many different partners, and there’s no getting around that. For women, the system holds a different promise, and most of it is dependent on the man.

Even monogamous guys who have been with the same woman in a loving relationship for many years feel a desire for other kinds of pussy. Not every guy gives in to their desires, but I do know many men and women in monogamous setups who do, which might make it the most dishonest agreement of all. It’s not just men that have a desire to sleep around. Often, women share the same level of horniness as men – or even more so.

Emotionally, women always desire to be with the strongest man in the pool and seek commitment and security with that man exclusively. Sexuality, however, can be very different.

Most times, a woman won’t cheat on her man or even consider sleeping with other men if she’s sexually satisfied by her main partner, because there’s no reason for her to. With this in mind, let’s talk about the implications of the system.

Varoon RajahAbout the Author: Varoon Rajah

A New York City native, Varoon’s studied under many of the seduction industry’s leading instructors. His specialty is direct day game, where he meets girls on the street, on the subway, and in coffee shops. Varoon is the host for the Girls Chase Podcast, available on iTunes or via SoundCloud.



El Gallo's picture

This is all well and fine, but how do you answer questions she has that, if answered directly and honestly, would violate this principle? Especially if she already appears to know the answer? I recently had The Talk with a girl and she immediately asked:

"Are you dating someone else right now?"

I was. And, try as I might to uphold the principle of non-transparency, I could tell that she could read from my body language that the answer to that question was yes. This girl knows me very well and she is also good at reading emotions. I would be interested to know what you thought I should have done but in the light of this high-pressure situation, I just said "yes".

She immediately followed up with preferences she knew I had because I had talked about them to her. Some were characteristics that she had, others were characteristics she didn't. I don't think it was good for her to hear either because another girl having the former would make her feel less special and another girl having the latter would make her feel less desirable.

"Is she [race X that she knows I have a preference for]?"
"Is she thinner than me?"
"Have you had sex with her?"
"Have you had unprotected sex with her?"

All the answers to these questions were yes. And she knew they were yes because of my body language. She knew I had a preference for all these characteristics and behaviors. So after a pause following each question, I simply answered "yes".

I was finally able to stop the onslaught of her freight train of questions when she asked:

"What is her name?"

To which I responded:

"I'm not telling you her name."

And then reiterated that I didn't that I didn't want to share any other information about anyone else I'm dating because I wanted our time together to be about me and her. But the damage was done. We slept together after that conversation but when we woke up in the morning, she said "She [the other girl] was in that bed with us last night."

Already, her knowledge of the other girl was driving a wedge between us. She was making it into a competition over monogamy with me even after I explained my intentions were to be non-monogamous.

She followed up her comment with "Are you seeing her today?". I wasn't but just remained silent to avoid her getting used to getting answers to these types of questions. But that felt like the wrong thing to do too.

So that's my biggest question: how do you respond to questions that violate non-transparency when a woman is extremely aggressive and emphatic about getting direct answers to them?

Varoon Rajah's picture

Hey El Gallo,

Sorry it took so long to write up this response - I have been busy but also wanted to think about it a bit.

I'm going to write an article on this specific situation. But the long and short answer is that such a situation requires you to start drama management.

At the end of the day your position is that you're going to be honest with a girl about your lifestyle and what you're doing, and you're going to treat this girl well AND be sexually safe. However, what you will not tolerate is her impinging on information, privacy, or being totally unreasonable about you being honest with her. This is one of those cases - it's not reasonable of her to ask about information from other girls. Granted, all girls ask - but you have to smoothly deflect this, and with a valid reason.

The reason is: I am open about my lifestyle as it pertains to me having multiple partners whom I care for - including you; however, I value privacy and discretion, as do all my partners. In this lifestyle, I respect my partners desires and do not talk about my liasons with others.

Anyway, for what you are describing:
- When she asked if you're dating others, this is a great time to have The Talk, even if you've already done it before. Having the Talk again reiterates your position, and you indirectly state that you're seeing others.
- When she demands to know more about if and who you are dating, this is a time to deflect and tell her you don't openly discuss your sex life, for respect of your partners.
- When your girl started going into very detailed questions comparing herself to the other girl, this is the time to initiate drama management - specifically a soft-next. Either leave without saying anything, and very calmly; or if you prefer to you can do standard drama management (more challenging in this case).



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