Female Basic Conflict: Understanding Women’s Ambivalence | Girls Chase

Female Basic Conflict: Understanding Women’s Ambivalence

Chase Amante

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Tell me, what you’re thinking about

When you got me waiting patiently

Usually, I don’t have to wait for nobody

But there’s something about you

That really got me feeling weak

— Tell Me, by P. Diddy. Vocals here sung by Christina Aguilera.

If you truly want to understand the psychology of women, you must be aware of, and willing to accept, a paradoxical truth: women feel greater sexual attraction towards men who are less inclined to provide for them emotionally and financially.

female basic conflict

Euphemistically you can say: in their heads women know that nice guys make much better husbands, but deep within their secret hearts, women love to love bad boys.

This paradoxical phenomenon is literally a schizophrenic duality between a woman’s need for survival on the one hand, and her need to express her own sexuality on the other. This creates a psychological condition where a woman’s sexuality is necessarily ambivalent and conflicted.

Simply put, the Female Basic Conflict is the need to manipulate a man into the role of her Provider, followed by an automatic contempt and/or lowering of her sexual attraction towards a man who lets her do so.

Joseph W. SouthAbout the Author: Joseph W. South

Joseph South is a talented seducer who only discovered his abilities with women after his first marriage failed. He teaches men to understand the female mind, and helps them get past their own reservations about hooking up with cute girls.


Anonymous's picture

There are some very quotable statements here to make a man wiser. Keep at it, Joseph. :)

Joseph W. South's picture


Thomas's picture

Hey Joseph,

did I get you right by saying the "inner message" of this serie is to integrate man's female part in his personality as man and then it is possible what you said:
"The challenge to you as a man lies within your ability to tolerate female ambivalence. If you can, you may succeed in becoming dominant over her, which can greatly increase the chances of her remaining sexually attracted to you and a generally happy relationship."
There is a good book "Jesus der Mann" (Jesus the man) that describes this process very practical and from a psycholgical point of view. Unfortunatly this book exist (as far as I know!!!!) only in German since it's written by a German female psychologist and theologian called Hanna Wolff. (And no it's not the usual salvation stuff :-) )
I am very excited by this serie and looking forward to read more in detail ( true for all series here).


Joseph W. South's picture

We all have at least a little bit of both masculine and feminine within us, but one polarity is usually dominant. David Deida said that roughly 80% of men have a masculine essence, 10% of men have a feminine essence, and 10% have a neutral or balanced essence.

We naturally attract our reciprocal.

As I hope to demonstrate, the meme "opposites attract" is true, but it's also NOT true. Psychologically we inhabit two very different universes. It shocked me to realize that I could sometimes get an erection or find myself obsessing sexually over a woman that I was not happy with or jealous about. And for women it's the same thing; it's why they say they want to date a nice guy but find themselves irresistibly drawn to "jerks". Jerks will make them cry but also make them horny!

So what I hope to do with this knowledge is make it plain, why women think and act the way they do, and why we as men react the way we do to their behaviour. Understanding is power.

So in this case, Female Ambivalence can make a logical guy nuts! It can be infuriating to a guy who one minute feels at peace in the relationship and the next minute is feeling a vibe as though she's checking another dude out or thinking about him, always with plausible deniability so she can accuse you of being "controlling" and "jealous".

When you learn to TOLERATE Female Ambivalence then she'll start to perceive you as a very powerful man, willing to do what you say in and out of the bedroom. It's subtle but very powerful. I hope that makes sense!

Thomas's picture

It absolutly makes sense...... at least for me.
Articles or series like this give me the background to understand what's going on with women. Since I am always very flirty on my way and I always have a shot on the things you guys describe here, I manage more often to figure out what's going on. Apart from the fact that you can act or react accordingly, inherently this knowledge alone is absolutly fun.
Again thank's a lot for the great work here guys and I hope there are a lot of men who will go out and practice.........


340Breeze's picture

Tolerate female ambivalence HOW?

"Tolerate" is a verb which is a process that requires steps to complete. So the steps I take to "tolerate" ambivalent behavior may look very different than the steps you would take. So in your view, what's a good method for one to employ to TOLERATE a woman's ambivalence with the goal in mind of appearing to remain calm and non-plussed? What's the mindset to keep in mind to follow when your emotions are getting in the way?

The issue I've faced when dealing women's brazenly petty (ambivalent) behavior, is that it makes me IRATE. I get irate because I can't understand how it is I automatically seek to be calm in troubling situations (which is tiring) and then there this woman who not only can't calm down and chill out, but appears to every minute have some new schizophrenic emotion, happy then sad then depressed and back...fluctuating rapidly like a stock...out of control. Maybe becoming irate and reacting negatively is weakness on my part, but I have years of learned behavior behind of me. In my childhood, the response to others' brazen behavior (verbal or even physical attacks) wasn't to slink down and cow-tow in fear, or and remain quiet and just smile and be non-assertive... instead the response was to become AGGRESSIVE AND DON'T BE A PUSHOVER!!!!!!!"

Women are always testing limits always seeing what they can get away with, so while this kind of response makes women cut their shit out in the moment, I've learned the hard way that it builds resentment...a hidden insidious side effect. Resentment is poison to relationships and as such I want to minimize the chances of causing it. So I want to employ a softer touch (I've sometimes been too abrasive and NOT smooth enough) in dealing with women's ambivalence...I want to optimize if you will.

So the key question to you or Chase is: How exactly does a man go about being firm but yet gentle with women, especially during heats of battle when women are being brazenly dramatic and his emotions in response to the woman's brazen behavior is screaming: "BE VERY AGGRESSIVE AND STOP THE MADNESS!!!!"? (By aggressive I mean verbally lol...nothing physical here.) It's all about minimizing the effort necessary to accomplish the goal...which is a fun and good time with a woman (who's mood/behavior is seemingly unstable because she fluctuates from one emotional state to the next...)



Joseph W. South's picture

Never forget, from a biological perspective, female ambivalence is DESIGNED to get a rise out of you!

In my case, at least intellectually understanding that it wasn't *personal*, helped me to chill out a bit.

Consider if a fire ant was biting your foot. You could swat it away from you, or kill it or... get out a gallon of bleach and pour the entire thing over the ant, or get out a shotgun and blow your own foot off while killing the ant.

So when a woman is acting annoying, first step is to understand why this is happening. #1, women are biologically designed to be annoying on occasion, LOL, especially when in a sexually-tense situation.

Next step is to decide what is the correct response.

Imagine your girlfriend starts telling you about some strange dude at her workplace who keeps trying to get her out on a date with her. You feel some jealousy and maybe even sense some disrespect and provocation coming your way. What do you do? Imagine you've got 3-4 girls that you date and sleep with on a rotating schedule.

If she's your only one, and you're not super self confident in all other areas of your life, this is going to be *way more annoying* than if you had, say, 3-4 women on a rotation. It's also going to be much harder to take if you're not a very high value guy in all other aspects of your life, such as work, and platonic friendships.

Take the pain and discomfort you feel in every moment as a SIGNAL. Pause and breathe deeply and try to ascertain *what the signal is telling you* before you react. Do you need to revive some old friendships? Have you been neglecting a female whom, maybe you don't like her quite as much as this one, but she's still pretty cool and would definitely appreciate a call or a visit? Have you been procrastinating on an important work project or goal?

Once you've determined the holistic reasons for the emotional signals you're getting from yourself, then you can react. You don't have to be a pushover. You can do anything on a spectrum:

– Laugh it off and/or tease her (similar to aikido)
– Ignore. Literally act as if she never said or did that thing
– Laugh and get into her face
– Ask her to leave your presence
– You leave her presence
– Tell her in calm but assertive terms you don't appreciate it
– Raise your voice
– Get into a physical confrontation

I don't recommend the last 2. In my opinion, that means you've lost self control over your own self, which is a sign of weakness. In an upcoming article I discuss Self Control, why it's so attractive to women, and how to strengthen it. The article is full of personal examples from my own life. I think you'll find it useful!

bongstar420's picture

If this is how women really are, why don't we put an end to their charactization of this as "meaninful relationships?"

...because you won't get laid, that is why.


Meaningful relationships are not manipulative nor do the depend on sexuality.

bongstar420's picture

LOL..you thought you get boners for some other reason than how she looks?

Man, women have brainwashed their son's to be good little relationship tools well. 

Anonymous's picture

So I met this girl and got her number. The problem is that she is a single mother who has to watch her kid all the time so she isn't free during the week. Every other weekend she alternates taking care of the kid with her ex. She is also in the army which takes up one of her free weekends each month. This leaves one weekend a month where she has any free time.

We have hung out twice over a two month span. She says she wants to hang out with me but its hard to find the time. A couple weekends ago she was free and we had plans to get together on Saturday but when Saturday came she didn't respond to my text. Sunday I tried to set something up but again nothing. I was starting to think she was just a flake and to move on but just on Friday we hung out for a little and after I left she called me because she was stuck in traffic. She made me guess what movie she just recently watched, (50 shades of grey) which opened the conversation into more sexual topics. I mentioned about seeing her later that night because it seemed like an invitation. She said maybe and to text her when i was done at the gym. Again, when i texted her to get together that night I got no response.

So what do you think of this situation? It's hard for me to narrow down her thinking. I feel like if she really wanted to see me she would find time to make it happen but I dont know. Please help me.

Joseph W. South's picture

Please realize that it is very difficult for a feminine woman to feel sexual attraction towards a man that she is LEADING. Allow me to demonstrate:

- Your ability to see her revolves around her schedule, not yours. You didn't say anything about your schedule, only hers; the implication being you'd be available to her at ANY TIME, except that she's got child care, work, and the military.

- You text her, she responds or she doesn't

- Sunday you try to set something up, she isn't able to... That may seem like you're LEADING but in fact it's the opposite... if you were to say "come over and bring beers" and she complied, then yes you're leading. But when you're ASKING to see her and she's the one deciding yes or no every single time, then she is calling all the shots.

- She tells you when to text her, you comply, she fails to respond

Especially if you have not slept with this woman yet (have you?) then my answer to you is NEXT!

How many other women could you have texted in the time it took you to write this post? If the answer is you don't have any others to text, then you need to go back a step and start filling your phone with multiple options. How do you do that? Meet more women either through cold or warm approaching. As soon as you put all your eggs into the basket of a woman who is stringing you along like this, she automatically holds all the power AND SHE KNOWS IT!


I hope that helps...

Anonymous's picture

Thank uou very much for the reply. It all makes perfect sense after you laid it out for me like that. So given the situation how would I change it so that I am leading again. I agree I need to set up more options but I also want to work on this so I can stop this situation from happening again. If I can learn how to get back to leading hopefully I can learn to avoid fallig out of it all together.

Thinking about what you said, i need to stop framing things as asking or wanting to see her and change it to inviting her to get together so if she doesnt respond it doesn't matter. Also when she texts me, should i just not respond sometimes? I normally vary my response times up but maybe I should just stop responding as well. Lastly what are your thoughts on calling? When I call her she doesn't respond. Iv'e read to leave messages and also not to leave messages. She has only called me once so I'm not sure if I'm going to get a chance to not answer when she calls.

Any help you could give is much appreciated. Thank you so much for helping me understand the situation. It's funny how it all makes so much sense after someone lays it out for you.

Joseph W. South's picture

"Also when she texts me, should i just not respond sometimes?"

Sure, but only do so when you've *legitimately* got an alternative, fun or productive activity to do instead. Don't just sit around watching porn or stewing over this girl if you're not going to respond.

"I normally vary my response times up but maybe I should just stop responding as well."

Varying your response times is a good idea, but again, you should find ways to be *legitimately* busy doing other things/other girls LOL, so that your varied response times will come more naturally.

"Lastly what are your thoughts on calling? When I call her she doesn't respond."

I think you answered your own question. I like to use the telephone a lot more than I used to, but if someone doesn't have the courtesy to pick up or call back, fuck 'em.

"Iv'e read to leave messages and also not to leave messages. She has only called me once so I'm not sure if I'm going to get a chance to not answer when she calls."

Definitely do not leave a message if she has shown she won't respond. 90% of people have caller ID so she's quite rude not to call or text you back. Or, she's just not that into you. Definitely scale things way way back with this girl.

If you're tempted to call or text her, try this for a trick. First is you want to do something better, first. When you feel the urge, you can do one of these things first, and tell yourself you're allowed to call or text her once you're done:

- Text or call 5 other girls. Can be fat chicks, hot chicks, or your grandma. Just do something where you're going to get a positive reward back FIRST

- Do 50 pushups and drink two big glasses of water

- Spend 30 minutes on something productive that you've been procrastinating on

- Try to open 5 random hot girls on POF or OKCupid (or whatever)

- Do at least 2 intentional cold approaches

- Go to meetup.com or reply to an invitation to some social event, RSVP to an event, and COMMIT to going... pick something and then promise yourself you're going to go no matter what.

All of the above is designed to help you set priorities and build your self esteem over time. All of the above will do way more for your confidence AND for your prospects of getting a girlfriend, as opposed to messaging a flakey girl who doesn't seem all that interested.

Anonymous's picture

I can't thank you enough for the advice. Things are just clearer when you explain them and you make it much easier to understand and apply. I'll get right to work with this!

Anonymous's picture

Can you elaborate a little more in layman's terms the difference between how a "lover" functions in a relationship with women vs how a "provider" functions? Provide a good analogy perhaps? To me this contrast is missing from your article.... in your article I see you talk about the effects of the two on a woman (one good one bad), but not enough on the difference between the behaviors of a lover and a provider.

So what is the behavior that a lover exhibits that sets him apart from how a so-called provider behaves? What about mindset differences?? How does the lover see the world and think about what he's going to do with women (prior to doing it) vs how a provider sees the world? Because a lover, if you think about it, is a provider in the sense that he provides a woman with good feelings. So I'm having little trouble seeing the dichotomy between the two.

Joseph W. South's picture

To put it as simply as I can, when interacting with any woman:

- Her Lover is primarily concerned with exchanging orgasms, and how to lead both of you into that state

– Her Provider is primarily concerned with exchanging *oxytocin*, which is the bonding and comfort brain chemical. Her Provider will do this by offering emotional support, financial support when needed, a listening ear, anything a platonic friend might do for someone they care about

Unless you're a psychopath, all men will feel the whole range of emotions from time to time. But if you're in the Lover frame, you'll be thinking of things like:

– How do I get my hands on her? (kino)

– How do I get isolated with her?

– How do I sexualize our conversation? (banter). For example, and this is just off the top of my head, if I'm out in a social context or on a date, and the woman yawns and says "oh man I am sooooo tired!" I like to say something smartass like, "yeah I bet! Up all night watching porn again?" And if I can touch her at the same time I say it, even on her forearm or hand, all the better.

A Provider is thinking about: does she have enough to eat, does she have enough money, does she feel comfortable. You wrote:

"Because a lover, if you think about it, is a provider in the sense that he provides a woman with good feelings. "

Yes, absolutely, but if you think in terms of different neurotransmitter chemicals there is a WHOLE RANGE of what we can call "good feelings". Think dopamine vs. oxytocin, or in layman's terms, feeling safe and comfortable watching a sunset with a nice friend, or knowing that your rent is paid, vs. a dizzying feeling of increasing wetness between her legs and butterflies in her stomach!

So yeah, a Lover wants to give her good feelings, and so does a Provider, but they're distinctly DIFFERENT KINDS of good feelings.

Mike D's picture

Hello Joseph,

Thanks for the insightful article. I am curious about this statement -

"An important feature of female psychology is the projection of her emotions and needs into the environment. In other words, women tend to automatically project the responsibility for their emotions and needs on to their immediate environment.

People with psychological education know that this is actually a trait of Borderline Personality Disorder. Obviously, the vast majority of women do not suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, but it is interesting that this trait is becoming a normal part of psychologically healthy women."

On what basis do you make the assertion that the projection trait is becoming a normal part of psychologically healthy women? Just based on personal observation? Why?

I moved on from a girl I dated who I strongly suspected afterwards of being a borderline - among other impulsive behavior, she routinely did not take ownership or responsibility for her feelings.

Nowadays, I would not hesitate to quickly walk away (rather than tolerate) from a girl who projected the responsibility for her emotions like that. I don't view that as healthy.

But if this type of behavior is becoming more prevalent, how can one distinguish between those who are just prone to ambivalence from time to time and those who are truly psychologically unhealthy?

Joseph W. South's picture

"On what basis do you make the assertion that the projection trait is becoming a normal part of psychologically healthy women? Just based on personal observation? Why?"

Yes it's observation and having slept with over 120 women now, plus spent time talking with other men who have done the same. I went through a relationship with a woman who most definitely has BPD, although she's never been officially diagnosed to my knowledge.

We could write a whole book on this topic, but you can see it in television, movies, music... women are capricious and ambivalent and they are not usually penalized for this, in fact our culture seems to encourage it.

I also think that the lack of fathers around young girls, or severely betaized fathers is a huge factor. Obviously the father's role in society is greatly diminished from what it was even 30 or 40 years ago. I have read studies on the massive psychological damage this causes to young girls, and have seen it among the people I come into contact with every day.

"But if this type of behavior is becoming more prevalent, how can one distinguish between those who are just prone to ambivalence from time to time and those who are truly psychologically unhealthy?"

Really if a woman does not take any responsibility for her actions and this ambivalence is done with destructive consequences for herself and those she comes into contact with, this would be a good indicator that she is psychologically unhealthy.

For example if a woman stays with a man who beats on her because of the orgasms he gives her, or wants to share details with you about her "abusive ex boyfriend(s)", that would be a major red flag to me.

Drexel Scott wrote a great article on this website on the topic of girls with mental problems, so if you haven't read it already I would recommend that you do. If you really want to know more about girls with BPD and other mental issues and the effect they have on their relationships, check out the shrink4men blog and forums. I have to warn you though – it's pretty disturbing.

Vince's picture

"..To keep up a woman’s sexual attraction you have to be a Lover to her first and foremost. You can be also a Provider to her, but this is becoming increasingly difficult.."

Why even try to be a Provider?

Jimbo's picture

There's so much truth in this post it hurts.

Jack's picture

I came across this in my own life and was wondering if anyone else had the same experience. Luckily Im not married or in a LTR at the moment. I think instinctively Ive stayed away from the provider role. All my friends are in that role and they are not happy. Something happened on New years eve that really hammered this point home to me. I was at a party with the aforementioned friends who where with their respective wives/fiances/girlfriends. After a few drinks had been had by the everyone(except me.......I gave up alcohol a few years back) one of the girls started talking to me. She was literally all over me and then whispered into my ear that she wanted me to fuck her in the bathroom. All while her long term boyfriend was in the other room a couple of feet away. I excused myself because no way would I do that shit to this dude. Anyway as the night went on, another girl comes up to me, same kind of thing. Puts her hand on my crotch while we're talking. She too propositioned me. Im not kidding. I didnt take her up on her offer either. But when I left that party that night I was thinking, what the hell is going on? The girls seemed to crave a secure relationship, but at the same time they had obviously become bored. And I saw that they have a dilemma too: They fear not being in a secure relationship, but at the same time want to be lusted after in ways that their boyfriends/husbands weren't doing. And in no way do I blame those guys. But lets face it, as a man, no matter how beautiful she is, you will get bored of her.
So Ive been cast in the lover role, which Im happy about but at the same time I dont ever want to be The guy whos girlfriend is in another room at a party whispering into some other dudes ear. Those guys are deeply unsatisfied and yet too afraid to walk away from the relationship. Anyway what exactly is the solution? How can a guy maintain his lover status in a long term relationship? Is it even possible?

Jimbo's picture

In our modern society, a woman will typically consider a man a Lover only if he (...) does [not] exert any [] kind of physical or material power over her.

(...) [T]he Lover induces a strong sexual attraction within the woman.

But doesn't a woman typically find power in a man to be sexually attractive? Traits like male dominance, authority, etc. are known to be alluring to women. Given that, I'm failing to see how a man having some power over a woman would push him out of the Lover territory or make him lose some of his sex appeal.

Would you care to explain this?


Joseph W. South's picture

Thanks for the comment Jimbo. That is definitely a Franco part of the writing and I think there may be something lost in the translation. Generally speaking, if a woman is relying on a man for material support this can lessen her attraction for him, because she may tend to slot him into that role in her mind. 

You are absolutely correct; if a man exerts "power" over a woman this will tend to increase her attraction for him. What we are trying to say in this section of the book is that women are far more casual about their sexual relationships than ever before, and tend to pull sexual lovers from the group of men who do not have any deep involvement with them, especially in a financial way, unless she is doing it FOR the material benefits, in which case she can be very prone to "cheat". 

Hopefully this makes a little more sense in the context of the entire chapter and book. If I can offer any further clarification please let me know :-) 

Jimbo's picture

Hey. Thanks for the response.

"[I]f a woman is relying on a man for material support this can lessen her attraction for him, because she may tend to slot him into that role in her mind."

Right, that seemed to be your point. I suspected you were just referring to men who support them in general, and not specifically those who exerted power on them. And you know, that made me think on why a woman's attraction towards you decreases once you start providing.

This whole attraction thing seems to be a power play. When a woman manages to extract resources from you with not much in return, then she sort of overpowered you. She "won." And so, naturally, she'll be less hot for you. However, if for instance, you attach conditions to you supporting her, like "do this and that and I'll take care of you", then you'll come off as the powerful one (you're the guy she relies on for support, at least partially, so she better does as he says, and tries to please him). You're like her boss. In this case, I doubt her attraction for him would decrease.

In the past, most men assumed the traditional role of provider, they had that responsibility over women. Yet, I don't think many of those women lost attraction towards them. Why? Because they also had the authority with it, over the women they were supporting. They were "man of the house". And it's hard to have contempt or look down on the man of the house, because he's explicitly above you in the hierarchy, and he'll have the final word on matters that matter.

So I think that's it. That's the problem with today's providers. They have the responsibility, but not the authority over their women. And when you take care of someone without getting to exert some power on what he should do, behave, or present himself, then you're not his custodian, you're his servant, you just do stuff for him. And I think that's what's missing in today's relationships and with men committing. And why women look for Lovers outside of those relationships, it's because today's providers come off as pushovers and suckers who end up giving more than they get. And it's hard to make a lover out of that. And so that's how women will tend to see them.

Let me know what you think.

Jimbo's picture

Btw, this article of yours was one of the most hard-hitting and eye-opening things I'd read in recent years. I mean just look at my above comment from two years ago. And I saved it, and knew I'd give it another read later on. The whole Provider/Lover dichotomy explained so many things, especially why so many girls would were willing to put out so readily to seeming losers, and never seem to let them go... at least until their biological clocks start ticking loud enough. And the contradiction between what they'd say they wanted and who they often went for.

bongstar420's picture

JFC> all that matters is that roundness. I can't believe you think "feminity" is something more than quality of her physicality....like a male could get me on board by acting feminine. DERP

I definately do not what the children you described. Women like you described are only fit to be abused.

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