GIRLS CHASE MONTHLY SUBSCRIPTION
• Unlimited access to GirlsChase.com
For your harem to last, you must compartmentalize your girls and life in such a way as to respect Queen Theory… or drama will send it all crashing down.
Welcome back to the Harem series! It’s been a while. In Parts 3 and 4, we’ll cover some juicy stuff. In Part 1, we talked about Queen Theory and why all the girls you’re dating must always be made to feel like your number-one priority.
In another supplement to this series, we talked about the differences and issues between monogamous and non-monogamous dating structures. In Part 2, we talked about jealousy and the role of discretion, why they exist, and how to manage them (as they are inevitable).
If you haven’t had a chance to review those articles, I highly recommend you do so to catch up on the concepts, because this and upcoming articles will build upon all of them, such as the different tiers of girlfriends a man can have, and how his lifestyle and capacity for girls go hand-in-hand.
We’ll cover how to structure your relationship compartments to respect Queen Theory, protect all your different relationships, and maintain a woman’s social face.
Comments
Missing article
Varoon- I can't seem to locate the part 2 of your article on instinct based game. Wonder if it's missing. Cool wisdom in the harem article above by the way! Thanks.
Part 2
Hey! Great catch - I started writing Part 2 of the Instinct Based Game article but never finished it or submitted it. I guess this means it's time for me to finish it! Look out for it in a few weeks :).
VR
Don't Ask Don't Tell
I like how a lot of the concepts in this article overlaps with polyamory such as NRE (New Relationship Energy), which is talked about in many polyamory books.
I imagine that this whole harem-building process while making every woman feel as if she's the only one you're dating might come easier to extroverts with more social energy and a higher tolerance for drama. The methods you're teaching here do seem a bit exhausting to me, an introverted guy who wants virtually no drama, but different strokes for different folks, I guess!
A lot of what you're talking about is really similar to what a few polyamorous couples here and there choose to do: DADT (Don't Ask Don't Tell). It's not the most popular way of setting up a poly relationship, but I guess it's necessary if you want to maintain some illusion of exclusivity.
I would just much rather keep things easy, though. It's pretty convenient when, while I'm in the shower, I can ask the partner I'm with if she can text a reply to another partner of mine on my behalf and she does so happily. Not every girl is cut out for that sort of relationship, though, and I'd love to hear your thoughts on my next article about polyamory that will be published this week on the matter. :)
Agreed
I agree with you Michael and I'm a very extroverted person, but I don't like drama. The above subscribed setup feels like if you make one little slip up with one girl it all breaks down in drama. I had a non-monogamous relationship for 2 years where I ran things exactly like described in this article, but it always felt like I was lying to the girl (even though I was just not telling the details). Also that girl was low drama and easy to manage.
Next time I had 2 open fbs/mLTRs for around 6 months I was honest about it (they knew about each other + my ONSs), and it resulted in lots of drama and both girls eventually got too insecure and left.
Also non-monogamy seems easier to run the higher above your mate-value is compared to the girl.
I'm really looking forward to your article on polyamorie! There must be a way to run this stuff honestly without compartmentalizing too much.
Challenge
I don't mean to undermine this article; there are many men and women who need some drama or a continuous sense of challenge in their relationships to keep things exciting and to stay attracted. Some people really do thrive in the heat of drama and/or the potential for drama.
DADT arrangements can indeed work for some, especially if the person has an avoidant attachment style. Compartmentalizing comes naturally to them and would lead to less drama. One of my current partners has an avoidant attachment style and can totally do DADT but we don't because I personally didn't want that. I can do without any secrets or drama as someone with a secure attachment style.
The kind of relationships that Varoon is talking about can be right for some people and it can be wrong for some people, just as the kind of polyamorous relationships I advocate can be right for some people and wrong for some people. I do not recommend this sort of DADT arrangement with women who have an anxious attachment style, and my next article will detail the kinds of women who would not be a good fit for polyamory, as well as the kinds of women who would.
As for your view on differences in mate value affecting your relationship structures, it can serve as a self-fulfilling prophecy (the opposite case can be true as well) but it won't lead to fulfilling polyamorous relationships. If a woman associates her own self-worth (or mate value) with some sort of tolerance for non-monogamy (i.e. if she is less open to non-mono the higher she values herself), she is inherently against non-monogamy and there will be trouble down the line. There are women who do not subscribe to this mindset at all, those who view relationships not as a system of power or value, but those who embrace the diversity of the many ways we can love. I'm guessing the 2 open fbs/mLTRs you had just weren't cut out for such an arrangement in the first place, or perhaps there was a better way to handle those relationships.
Different Models
Damien, thank you for your comment! I love the examples you shared – the “don’t ask don’t tell” model where you were running things like the Harem system was fairly drama free, even if you felt like you were lying - but you’re really not lying, you’re just avoiding the details – for HER sake, not yours. You’ve inspired me to write another article in this series though: Are you lying to the girl when you don’t tell her something? You’re actually not lying, you’re protecting her from information that she doesn’t really need to know (because it doesn’t affect her anyway), but her knowing that information will DEFINITELY cause her to feel insecure, which is what was happening in your second more open arrangement. The moment you had two open FBs/mLTRs and told them everything, they got super insecure and caused drama. This is because you violated Queen Theory – neither girl felt like she was #1, and didn’t like thinking about you with the other girl(s). Most women are like this.
Queen Theory and high value women are both very real. All high value women BECOME high value because they seek a King. If you're in a situation where you have a very high value woman willing to share sex partners with you openly, it's either (a) because she IS your Queen and you are treating hers such or (b) you are NOT her King, and she is simply engaged with you as a lover temporarily while she finds her king.
The ideal situation for men, though, is finding a woman who has settled into a Kingdom with a King, and the King is no longer satisfying her sexually. So you come in later into the game and become her sexual outlet, while allowing her to keep her Queen status within her chosen Kingdom. This girl may also be older and already heavily invested in this King and kingdom (i.e., Marriage, Children, etc) so leaving the kingdom is just not an option to her at that point. But finding a suitable bachelor for discrete sexual encounters is available.
True polyamory and non-monogamy are definitely easier with higher mate value. This is why you see the Dan Bilzerians and Hugh Hefners of the world – but in public what you really don’t see is all the stuff that happens behind the scenes. There most likely is a whole lot of drama and subtle infighting, but you never really hear about it. Most women are naturally competitive with each other.
However, to Michael’s point, there are a small subset of women who are truly open and accepting of everything, or at least have a desire to be – I’ve found that they tend to be in polyamorous circles anyway, and usually I find that they’re more okay with FB style setups than true Girlfriend setups. I recently was seeing a woman who actually stopped seeing me because I would not tell her about all my partners – she was the type that was really upfront with how open she wanted her polyamory to be, and she didn’t want to not know. I can’t afford that, because I’ve found that when I do introduce partners to each other it causes more long term drama and insecurity. This girl told me on our last meet that she actually broke off with another man right before me, who wouldn’t allow her to meet his wife – because the wife didn’t want it. The wife didn’t want to meet the face of the woman he was fucking, but my FB friend wanted to meet her and for them to have an open environment where they share everything. Because the man wanted to protect his wife – who had told him that she didn’t want to know about his other activities – my FB friend ended her relationship with the man. She was bisexual in nature, though, so she very much wanted to have an open relationship to play with everyone involved.
Another one of my mLTRs had dated a guy in a live in environment before she was with me – she was dating a guy who had a wife and kid, and they had a very open polyamorous setup. That guy was very possessive, however, and when my mLTR wanted to leave the relationship he chased her all the way to a different city and moved there, which caused his wife to divorce him. This mLTR was also bi-curious, and dated me and a girl when we first met, and then a few weeks later she broke up with her girlfriend.
Different Models
Thanks for the reply Varoon. Looking forward to your article! And yes I can see the advantages of your system. Haven't found the open about polyamory girls yet, that Michael mentioned. I can see why your system works, I just find the compartmentalization aspect pretty difficult to implement. Like for example when a girl asks what you did the day before and you were with another one you can say you spent time with a friend but it's not reaaaally honest if you know what I mean.
What You Did Before
Yeah, compartmentalizing is one of the big challenges of the system - but unfortunately it's very necessary.
The way you have to look at it is not that you're lying to her or being dishonest about what you're doing, you're actually protecting her from information that causes her anxiety and would hurt her. So actually, you're keeping information away from her TO protect her and give her good emotions. So actually, the guilt that you feel is within you, it's not that you're being dishonest. I'm also assuming she's already bought into the system as well - you've had some kind of talk that says you're not exclusive/monogamous to her; if she sticks around after that, then she's implicitly agreed to the setup, and now it's your role to protect her from feeling bad from your own extracurricular activities ;) while she chooses to see you.
Anyway, I know exactly what you mean - I've had to do that hundreds of times.
Michael!
Thanks for your comment, Michael!
So it took a while for me before I could sit down and write a response to this – I thought about it for a while, and I was also busy, but I see you released your own article about polyamory this week, so the timing is fitting!
I do think that the Harem system requires a fair bit of management to be successful – what you say seems exhausting – and it is that way because there’s more responsibility involved, as there should be when you’re truly dating or partnered with a woman. You’re keeping your different relationships in different bubbles here, and they’re independent of each other – and this is to protect the women involved, it’s not really about the man. I think in your setup, there’s just one big bubble, and the girl(s) can come in and out at will, and know about each other. That’s cool too – it’s a totally different relationship model. I think the pool of women that are truly okay and drama free with it is much smaller, though.
I actually don’t think the Harem system promotes any drama, it’s in fact exactly the opposite. I’ve shown examples of drama here in the article to showcase what happens when a person breaks the system apart and doesn’t follow the method – but actually this setup is fairly drama free as long as you follow it! I deal with very little drama from the women I’m dating in this setup, for years – it’s great.
You’ve actually inspired me to write a new article on this subject – about implicit versus explicit relationships. I’d call your system an “explicit non-monogamy” system, which is like true polyamory, whereas what I describe is “implicit non-monogamy,” where you maintain bubbles around each partner, but you have several of them. So, look out for that!
Real Harem by Arash Dibazar?
Hey Varoon,
this topic is awesome. My question though: How does Arash Dibazar handle his harem of 3-5 girlfriends and they all live together and don't seem to be fighting about who is the Queen.
Maybe it's just facade but I would appreciate your thoughts about this guy.
Best Regards
Reave Krieger
Hey Reave,
In short, the higher mate value you have in life, the more you can “get away” with in terms of polyamorous dating structures. This is also how it works for guys like Dan Bilzerian and Hugh Hefner – their value as a man was so sky high that girls will put up with other women around just to be close to him.
Granted, I’d caution you from assuming that they all live together peacefully – usually in these setups there’s always more than meets the eye, and you can’t truly understand what’s going on inside the circle from the outside. Most times there’s all sorts of long term power drama and dynamics for favoritism going on in these setups. Many times the girl also knows not to rock the boat too much for fear of being thrown out altogether – again, a factor of the man’s value.
That being said, what I’m advocating in this article and in this system doesn’t require you to attain this level of value to have the same kind of lifestyle – while it could be cool to have a “family” of women as partners, by and large this requires more management and can cause more problems – it’s quite easy to have the same setup without them knowing about each other. It’s also pretty difficult to get to the level of these guys, very few people attain this – not that you shouldn’t try, but you can get similar benefits without doing that.
Hope this answers your question, but it looks like I’ll write an article about this, too!
VR
Leave a Comment