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“Any good dreams last night?”
“How was your day today?”
“You’ll never believe what happened to me.”
There are normal little communication bits and pieces you’ll encounter in relationships. They seem pretty small and trivial, and superficially they are.
However, these little questions or statements – called ‘bids for connection’ by Professor Emeritus John M. Gottman, Ph.D. – have big impacts on relationship health.
That’s because any time you make a bid for connection, or a gal you’re with makes one toward you, it goes one of two ways:
- You or she accept the bid (Gottman calls this ‘turn towards’)
- Or you or she ignore the bid (Gottman calls this ‘turn away’)
How often these little bids are turned toward or away from makes a world of difference, it turns out.
Comments
Sigh
Holy shit, it's similar to what I came upon just a few days ago!
Wish I read your comment earlier bro about not digging the hole with compliance over text, Chase.
What's different about my case than anon, is since she goes to the same school as me, what would you say I should do if I see her in person, maybe weeks or a month later?
What should I say?
She has bad memory so hopefully she forgot it's me and I start anew and she'll fall in love at first sight again haha...
Hahaha who am I kidding...when I say I'm Lawliet, she'll probably know immediately.
Auto rejection, me bane of life, bro...
Lawliet
Or on the bus sitting right
Or on the bus
sitting right next to her if I see her and then go aloof by not looking her way or initiating conversation. Ha! But she probably doesn't remember how I look, introduce and then aloof!
Aiming her logical mind
yo dude, I thought of an idea past days.
What if instead of going for her emotional mind with my text, I reiterated her points and went for her logical mind, asking what part made her think it's an ultimatum. Not sure about your girl dude if she misunderstood you or just went fawk this, but maybe you can try this.
I already sent the text I wrote above, so not sure if going for logical mind now in another text or calling would work. Hope you can save yours dude!
Getting her out
Hey Anonymous,
Thanks for your suggestion. I actually thought of a shot you can take.
Maybe shoot her a text on the lines of (Do it a week later or so, so you don't come across as desperate):
"texting isn't a good way to talk, we should talk in person and clear up our misunderstandings, come meet me at [a subway station or coffee shop] at [give 3 days at the same time so she can think] or a time that's free for you. If no other time is given, I'll be there waiting"
And then show up those 3 days and see if she does? This will be like a final shot, but I'm not Chase, and bro will probably say that's a bad idea!
Lawliet
thanks dude! I'll keep it at
thanks dude! I'll keep it at bay.
yo chase, what if I found fault by relating to her and instead of arguing how it's not ultimatum I admit at first, then give her a twist in the end?
"You're right. If I was treated the same way, I would book it too. But an ultimatum is two choiced, correct? My statement had 3, did you know?" said in a sexy voice in voicemail or voice recording on funky chat apps. Sounds rad? ;) a week past, didn't send another text or any correspondence yet. hope that won't make em battle plan bad. thanks chase!
3rd Choice?
I'm guessing the 3rd choice is you're actually asking her out? On the lines of, No need for compliance girl, just come out! Let's see what Chase says. He'll probably say our ideas are all bad haha.
Lawliet
Wait, Voice?
Isn't that exactly what is written in Tactic Tuesdays: Calling when text doesn't pan out! You use calling because text has anchored negative feelings so you switch up. And it's easy too (not as intrusive as a phone call) in terms of path of least resistance...
Wow I think that's a good idea...But what to say?
Good Luck Anonymous!
Lawliet
Weird
A thought on my mind. I'm feeling an urge to do something now, as in it's the crucial moment to act now...is this any true from your experience in success turning a girl back? Or just an illusion from our emotions?
One more note
Awwww come here you was to exude warmth and welcoming...if there was a better way of doing this in my wording
Did not say no
I also didn't say No, it's not an ultimatum in a direct way in my text response due to Don't say No to women. Is this proper application? thanks chase!
Is there any advice what to text girls who you messed up with?
Hi Chase!
I was wondering what you would do in the case where you have messed up yourself with a girl. Long story short, I met a girl about a year ago, and we had sex relatively fast. She then started to say things like, "If we're together, you can't see any other women". This sort of freaked me out, so I ended up just having her around for sex. Her general feeling and takeaway from me is probably that I just wanted to use her for sex and that I didn't really care too much for her (i.e., she complained that I never walked her out the door after sex).
However, now I would really like to consider her as a long-term relationship. The problem is, every time I text her to meetup, she still thinks I just want to use her for sex and she makes up some excuse not to meet up. Is there anything I can do or text her to have her see me again and possibly for a long term relationship? Thanks Chase!
Second Chances
Nicolas-
I’d call, get into a real conversation on the phone, and tell her something along the lines of, “Hey, I messed up before. I really dug you, but you scared me before by jumping right into things before I was ready. Anyway, it’d be cool to see you.”
Just be a little raw, a little honest, but don’t be needy about it. Lay it out there in a controlled way and let her know you’d enjoy seeing her again. Don’t promise a relationship, since that’ll be incongruent to what she recalls of you before; just dangle the carrot a bit of you really like her and were perhaps a bit too aloof before. No promises about what you’ll do differently; let her imagine she’s worn you down, which it sounds like is indeed what’s happened.
That said, also give this post a read:
Avoid "Falling Into" Relationships at All Costs
And if you still want to proceed, also read this one:
How to Get Your Girlfriend Back
Chase
Last piece of the puzzle
Hey Chase,
Thanks for all the help. Really appreciate it. one more piece of info bro,
As for my girl, it's the same one who I texted expectations whom you advised later not to express explicitly. She thought I rejected her on romantic relationship instead due to unclarity on my part as clear in her good bye text (screw explicit) and I kept pushing for a selfie (I know, wish I read your post much earlier on digging this hole).
Hole after hole, all stacked up.
And I've been texting her for almost a year (before I found your site).
Maybe that changes my scenario drastically than anon?
Thought I include this. What should my game plan be to get her back?
Your devoted reader,
Lawliet
yo dude, a year of investment
yo dude, a year of investment from her? She waited a year, pushing to meet you over text, and was still warm and attracted until hard pushed into auto rejection... That's legendary dude, maybe something to your advantage...
Tapping her subconscious?
Hey, I was wondering, bro
We tend to come up with conclusion for our actions to avoid cognitive dissonance. This is why investment or other concepts on here work so well - we conclude from our past behavior.
However, all of this occurs in subconscious (she's unaware of it).
What if we voiced as her subconscious and used these as reasons to persuade her to come out? If she comes out, we spike attraction and also give her warmth. She will start thinking, "Ah I got him wrong" it might just be what's needed to turn AR around!
But will voicing it counterproductive?
"You know, we spent a year dancing around this, we might as well meet up and see what happens. So we don't come back to "What if" for the rest of our lives. Just for a few minutes. Since we were "together" for a year, even IF we're breaking up, might as well do it in person properly ;)
Voiced in a calm, warm (how to do warm tone?), sexy (purr) tone
(and any other details such as location close to hers for path of least resistance)
(the last part is for playful? )
(and mentioning the one year, is of course to get her logic thinking, "Oh all that investment, might as well answer my "what if".)
And that's a wrap!
Lawliet
A test
All of you don't need to complicate this.
Auto rejection can be eliminated with a notion of twist!
Instead of trying so hard, all of you can say it was a test after a week.
Congratulations, you passed my test. I wanted to make sure you won't act weird if this was to occur for real after getting together and not like the Overly-Attached girlfriend frenzies. Not desperate, and treating yourself well, I like it!And be as detailed
And be as detailed as possible so it doesn't look half-assed.
Give her a genuine compliment how well she handles herself and won't tolerate bollicks. As detailed the compliment is about how impressed you are at her personality, the better.
Cheerio
Being warm
Hey bro,
So we gotta be warm here in our correspondence.
(Predicting the future Chase's reply! Whew!)
Given that, how do we end our statement without being needy? Do we offer to give another try or what?
And like anonymous, I know we shouldn't chase, and that, and I'm still seeing other girls like usual. I'm approaching this on more of an experience. Hope to learn from you, bro!
Best,
Lawliet
Trust Issues
Hey Chase, what can I do about trust issues? I am paranoid and think every girl is a slut, especially in this day and age.
I know anything can happen, but I just am paranoid about it with every girl, I think they are all slots not to be trusted. This website even made me think about it more.
I'm not bitter, I really think that and it's tearing me apart. What should I do? I feel I can never have a relationship.
Re: Trust Issues
Anon-
Check out these articles:
More or less you'll just need to get better about ferreting out which girls are which so you've got a better handle on the truth and don't need to be as paranoid anymore.
Chase
Warm voice
yo chase, how does a voice exuding warmth sound like? Love some pointer articles and a voice example. thanks chase :)
Re: Warm voice
Anon-
Sure, I'll add it to the list.
In the meantime - obvious example: Morgan Freeman. Has one of the warmest voices on the planet right now. Listen to him talk, pick up on some of the nuance, and learn :)
Chase
Discussion of wants
yo chase! Sorry for the confusion.
by discussion of wants, I meant figuring out why she won't comply and then meeting her wants. In my text, I accused her of playing games (not directly), and elaborate so she knows she's playing games, saying that if she wants to see me (I know she does), then this won't be a problem at all and if she doesn't want to see me then what's the point of texting. Ending with following her heart to what she want and do it and she has my number. thanks chase! ;)
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