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‘Respect’ is a thing we get a lot of questions on around here. Most regularly, how to command it. How do you make others respect you?
The easy answer is, you earn it. But that’s only half of the equation.
The other half is that you demand it.
Some will pay you respect you do not demand. But others will only respect you if you yank the respect out of their gullet with both hands.
And whenever someone has a problem with respect, it’s always because he’s lacking on one (or both) sides of the equation:
- He isn’t demanding respect, or
- He hasn’t earned it yet
Comments
Tonality
Can your tonality also dictate if people respect you or not? I have a low speaking voice and I find it hard to speak in goup situations. No matter hkw hard I try I cant seem to project my voice enough. when Im in a group and I speak they say "what"? or they lean closer in order to hear me, and it sort of sucks having to repeat myself twice because it kills the energetic vibe and makes me look lame. This problem has been plaguing me for the longest time.
Voice & Repetition
Anon-
That's more volume / articulation / annunciation than it is tonality, though adding some inflection to your voice can help make you better understood.
Repeating yourself is never good, so if you must, try to rephrase the statement so that the communication is not that you're a poor speaker who needs to repeat things he's already said but that perhaps the other person did not understand your words, so you will rephrase things for her another way.
Such as:
Being understood is important, however, so make sure your volume, articulation, inflection, and annunciation are all good, and work on them until they are if they already aren't.
Chase
needs examples
Seen this basic advice around in one form or another in several places. Always lacks examples. I would consider myself a person deserving of respect given my education, finances, owning my own home since 25 (and paying off my student loan debt by 26), professional and artistic accomplishments etc, but aside from a few people (and in that case usually only for professional stuff) I get none.
Am I scarce? Most definitely. Aside from a sports league my team won this summer, I probably have only gone out 6 times in the past year. Very scarce. Doesn't stop people from wasting my time.
Do people know my accomplishments? many yes.
If I tell or request things, I get respect in a professional setting, but not really anywhere else.
Not saying the advice is bad, just not practical, it's like telling someone to be confident when they aren't
I'll give some situations, would be curious as to what you consider the right and wrong ways of handling them.
1) Had a chance to get a good deal on some sports tickets (still somewhat expensive) and made plans with a buddy of mine who has a very reliable track record.. Took a long time to make the plans due to his commitments (competes in national athletic competitions), but he found a day that worked for his schedule and it worked for mine as well. Got tickets a week before the event. He called the night before to cancel due to work, but then was tagged in a bunch of party pics on facebook from the same night which showed up on my newsfeed..
2) Not sure there is much to be done about the next one, but it illustrates how low things are. Following some bad advice from a friend, I decided to try meeting girls through facebook and one of the dating sites. If contacting them on facebook, the trend is they not only ignore me, but either block me or change their name (PSA for all girls changing their name, it shows in messenger. If you really don't want someone to find you, block them). On the dating site, only responses are strippers wanting me to buy their cam shows, or women who act normal for one or two conversations, then start asking for money for a dying relative.
3) Tried to help put together a sporting event for the fall. Contacted at least 100-150 people through facebook or phone calls and only 5 or 6 responded whether they were in or out by the deadline. Needless to say no event.
4) used to go out dancing a lot and am fairly good and known in the dance community. Generally girls appear to swoon when I meet them, but shortly after they learn the basics from me, they start giving me the brush off and become fairly cold and distant. Some just walk away when I say hello. I've done nothing to offend them.
5) signed up to work with a volunteer organization, called a few times over a 6-8 month period, never a response. Went to the office to meet in person and sign up in person. Got an apology, an "I don't know what happended, I usually respond to messages" and still somehow ended up not being signed up for either event I signed up for in person (still showed up and worked though).
There are some real life situations. What is the good and bad type of response to each?
Specifics
Limp-
On earning respect, I don't know there's much I can list example-wise except "study people you respect and be more like them." It's such a broad, all-encompassing area - your personality, your passions, your pastimes, your preoccupations - that it's a deeply personal thing. There are numerous ways to earning respect, and these will differ by the group... the way you win the respect of a bunch of hard-nosed rednecks who like beer and guns and sleeping with fat chicks is very different from the way you win respect with a bunch of World of Warcraft players or the way you would with a bunch of athletes or the way you would with a bunch of socialites. You must study the individual group, find what it values, and become it.
On demanding respect, check the articles linked in that section for each bullet; each of these goes far deeper into each concept than is doable in a big picture article like this one.
Several comments on your comment:
Scarce is not "I never see that guy" so much as it is "It's very hard for me to get anything with this guy." Scarce is much more about being very busy than it is about not going outside. If you are very busy, people will have a lot of trouble wasting your time because you will be screening everyone very hard for what they want out of you from pure necessity. If you're just at home, you won't be screening like this because you aren't genuinely scarce, just not going out so much.
Earning respect in a professional setting and earning it elsewhere are different things.
A guy might be the king of the beer pong scene, but plunk him into a cubicle and suddenly he's average at best. Same thing for the guy who is the man at work but lags far behind in earning respect elsewhere. Being great at the office only gets you respect at the office. If you want respect elsewhere, you must earn it in the ways that those individual groups value.
On the sports scenario - sounds like the friendship equivalent of this article: "Keeping Your Cool: Don't Chase Women." When people are too busy for something and decline multiple times, throw the ball back in their court and tell them to get in touch when they're ready. Usually all this means though is that they don't value your friendship (or romantic potential, if the person in question is a girl) to make time for you, or that the thing you're inviting them to is not something they want to do. Sounds like the buddy probably didn't want to go to the sports match and either didn't like you enough to be straight with you or just didn't know the right way to say, "Hey man, I'm really not into hitting up sports matches. Let's not do that," or, later, "Hey bro, I know you bought those tickets, but there's a killer party going on tonight - let's skip the sports match and hit this up instead. I'll buy you a bottle of Jack to make up for the tickets."
On Facebook, see this article: "Why to NOT Meet Girls on Facebook."
Online dating in general, depends on the site, but very much as well on your profile / photos / initial messages. See this one: "How to Meet Tons of Girls on Plenty of Fish."
On event organizing, that's a skill in its own right. These are hard to pull off. I spent a few years trying my hand at this sporadically before I got it down just right, but you have to hit the right mix of an appealing venue, a date that people won't be busy on, a short time horizon (e.g., not 2 months out... more like 2 weeks, maximum), but also not too short notice, an appealing initial message to people to get them aboard, and ideally a cluster of cool people and especially cool guys and hot girls who will jump on the meeting right away to give it some initial momentum. If you're operating in known circles, like I assume you were in Facebook, you need to make sure the people you're contacting like you and respect you already too, or they'll say, "Oh, it's him - yeah, I don't want to go to an event he's throwing," unless the event is REALLY good and a bunch of cool-looking people are already signed up.
On girls losing interest when you start talking to them - there are probably 100 or 200 articles on this site with small or large pieces devoted to this. I also have several products on the site that are devoted to showing you how to have conversation with women that make them more attracted rather than less. If you need somewhere to start out, check out the diagnostic quiz: Girl Skills Diagnostic.
Volunteer organization... I don't have much experience with these, but from the limited experience I do have they seem to frequently be flaky and disorganized. Builders and perfectionists tend to be more attracted to business or other masculine hobbies I guess; volunteer organizations get people who want to help poor suffering others, but are constantly losing track of this thing or that thing. Happens, and unless you made some kind of personal bad impression on the one person who manages this I'd just chalk that up to volunteer organization flakiness and not anything too dramatic.
Chase
Your recent
Your recent articles-including this one- are just amazing.
Just wished to point this out :)
90210
Living own life
How it feels to live your own life without feeling loneliness when caring not about others. I don't know how it feels to be free with minimal need of validation from others, for me all those times when I focus only on my stuff are accompanied with feeling of loneliness 'this is only me and this stuff'.
Freedom from Loneliness
Anon-
Maybe focus on building something that allows you to interact with people and be around people. Events planner, party promoter, public relations professional, bartender, bouncer, donations collector for a charity, owner of a business that helps others or gives back to society in some way.
When you're doing something in one of these fields, I guarantee you you will have no shortage of people who want to talk to you. Many of them will just want stuff from you in a one-way value transaction, but from the sheer number of lives you touch and the value you provide to those lives some people who are genuinely awesome, high value people will want to get to know you and these people you'll tend to become good friends with over time. You will have as many people to hang out with, talk to, travel with, spend time with, and contact in a time of need as you could possibly want, and will spend much of your time saying, "Sorry, no," to people and very little (or none) of it looking for someone new to spend time with... since you have a steady influx of new connections all the time, and a larger and larger roster of cool friends you keep in touch with and see, accumulated over the years.
Chase
Older Girls, Attainability, Lowering My Standards
Hey Chase,
Awesome article man. I'm glad you wrote about this so extensively. You even included a little "self analysis" into the equation. I love it.
Demanding and earning respect is another way ofoffending money to make money. Good stuff. For the past three weeks I worked at a pharmacy, I earned the kind of respect that a hard working person got to the point where when I was leaving, my coworkers put some extra money together to boost my pay.
Chase, you're right about giving value as well. Last week while I was at work, I just had the urge to do something nice for my coworkers so during lunch time I bought a drink for everyone. It came to a total $12 U.S.. for all that drinks. It turns out that sometimes all is needed is to give a little to get a lot.
...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
And Greetings Dave,
I just saw your last reply to me. I was wondering what happened when everyones comment was answered and mine was pending. I guess it was because it's the longest. I tend to do the same as you, that is, solve the easiest things first. So no worries there, you said you'll get to my comment there "Back Road Sex".
I have been going out five times a week everyday after work to do street game. I must admit that even though I go out so much, I don't approach a lot of girls.
The majority of women I see on the street are way above my age. I'm 18 and these girls are like 25 years old and up. Some of them even remind me of my mother. Even if they look young, they all dress and act so mature that it freaks me out. Something feels very off for me to walk up to a hot girl that is about 20 years old and up and telling her I want a date and number. Its like I'm approaching women far too old for me who themselves want older men.
I see these professional women coming from work and all I can think is, don't approach her. The fact is even though I am 18, most people say I look like 16. I have a almost invisible amount of facial hair starting to grow but for now, that's it.
It feels incongruent to talk to women older than myself, even one year older than myself. I grew up learning to address every woman older than myself as " Yes Miss". I once forced myself to approach a 20 something girl and I clearly remember addressing her saying
" Excuse Me Miss, you have the most stunning walk I've seen all day. I'm Troy. What's your name Miss?"
**forehead slap**
Writing that makes me cringe. It's just too formal for a girl I want to sleep with. Too lame, nice guy behaviour. Sometimes I see a girl who looks around my age but behaves so mature that it freaks me out. What can I do to help me change this? How to approach older women?
At the rare times I do spot a girl who is close to my age, I always find it difficult to lower my standards. If she has a nice face but no boobs then I next her. Every girl I see I analyze them way too much. It's so extreme to the point where I like a girl's body but her face is just disgusting to look at. Lowering my standards is difficult. I want to begin looking at girls as just simply cute and silly girls instead of "oh she's not perfect. NEXT!!!
So many girls I meet only have good looks or good personality but very few have both. It's toxic.
I know Chase wrote an article "lowering your standards and getting more girls". What I don't see in that article is a "how to" on lowering standards. Could you give some practical steps to lowering my standards and stop looking for Mrs. Perfect? Thanks
Troy
yeah
Im personally interested in this reply I have the same problem...
Noted
Hey Anon,
Are you referring to the older women problem or specifically something else Troy asked about?
Just Dave
Hi Dave! Im referring to
Hi Dave! Im referring to lowering your standards and focus on less prrfect girls. Life is then less disturbing and you can focus on your progress. But how to lower ur standards...?
Thanks man!
Transition Phase
Hey Troy,
Introduction:
Apologies, I didn't get to your comment. I've recently changed cities and jobs so I've been out in the town to get set and everything. Regardless, I'm making my way back to the last couple comments of the last month. Now to answer your comment about older women I'm attaching some reading material about the topic. I'm also going to share my own experiences laying older women.
Younger Men and Older Women
Own Experiences:
Now I have the inverse of what you have Troy. I looked older than my age for awhile. Older women thought I was older until I revealed my age. I told them I was just trying to talk and get to know them better. I would learn about them and be very direct about my game. I would hit them with a very unorthodox style of game. Something that they thought they knew, but really didn't. Actually, the most recent of my lays have all been from girls older than me. I'm going to attach my two field reports.
Bartender
The Senior
Anyway take a look at the article and my field reports Troy. It basically covers my approach and all the information I use. The main thing I can see for you is reprogramming your mind. You just have to break away from being polite. You have to learn to tap into a girl's sexual mind. Otherwise they will just look at you as a boy and not a man. Don't be afraid to ask me specific questions about the article or my reports. I'm glad you've been going out a lot though. That's dedication!
Take care,
Just Dave
Tired of it
Hey Dave, what can I do to get pass this racist shit? Im tired of girls not giving me play because of my skin color, im trying hard to not be bitter, but this shit is driving me crazy. I know it's skin color because girls would tell me they don't like black guys and I would see black guys try to talk to them and they would reject him for any guy that is white or hispanic, but has horrible fundamentals and is unattractive. Shit, now attractive black girls are starting to ditch black guys and go to white and hispanic.
It's bullshit that these bitches really are so racist, and now black women are drinking the cool aid. Im getting beyond annoyed and pissed off, I work my ass off to be attractive for myself and women. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I keep trying and getting rejected and somethings gotta give before I really lose my mind.
What else can I do Dave to get these women? It sucks having all girls you're attracted to reject you based on skin color and race. Wtf! Im lost and have no idea what to do.
I feel like giving up and just finding a girl im not attracted to and settle down with her.
Please help me out Dave, thanks.
Open minded Communities
Hey Wolf,
I never actually asked what region of the world you live in. I'm from the Midwest, I notice that some people genuinely are racist. It's not something you can escape but you mentally transcend. It rips at your very soul not being accepted because you're skin color. The only thing you can is not very about people who hate, you have to find people who are open minded. Now to find those people you have to go places to find them. You have to reach outside of your comfort zone. If you're striking out repeatedly in the club scene, try a different venue.
When you love yourself, people can't tear you down. Women will see something in you that's different from people. They see value in you. I actually wrote a forum post on this very topic. It goes more depth than this comment can.
Loving Yourself
Let me know if that helps you out Wolf, also let me know what place in the world you're located.
Take care,
Just Dave
Sup
I live in the dirty south. A lot of white and hispanics here and not a lot of black people. So the light skin gets a lot of love.
Good Post
Forgot to mention Dave that your post was great! What do you think I can do in my situation to finally get the ball rolling down here in the south? I can't change locations for a few years. Thanks.
Makes Sense
Hey Wolf,
Glad to hear that you liked my post. The dirty south can be tough, what I would suggest would be to try neighboring towns. This way you won't have to relocate immediately to another U.S. city. I have family in Tennessee, Georgia, and Kentucky so I'm vaguely familiar with the south. My relatives often tell me to try to head to more diverse cities. If you're in a region like Texas or Louisiana it can be a lot harder. Now it can be hard but it's not impossible. Tell me about your style, what fundamentals you've mastered, and how often you approach. Also, what kinds of girls you approach and where.
Take care,
Just Dave
Born and raised in the South,
Born and raised in the South, and as a black dude who has dated a lot of chick outside my race, mainly white chicks, I can honestly feel your pain because I had to endure a lot of prejudice to find the ones who looked past skin color. Now, I can pinpoint which ones would be more open to dating outside their race. (I will note that sometimes it's not so much about being racist as they are afraid of the social backlash from friends and family and/or the hair or eye color of their kids.)
(The following is based on my experiences.) Having gone to two SEC schools, cross out all sorority girls, unless she has been out of college for a while. This isn't to say all will judge on account of skin, but the few who wouldn't, wouldn't date outside of their race because of the shit she would get from her sorority sisters. The Greek system is very influential in the South, and they like to keep things very traditional. The exception to this problem is if you play football, and you're a starter, then they won't care about the race.
Blonde with blue eyes are especially difficult. While I haven't dated many, my white guy friends have, and I've had candid discussions with these types of girls. Many of them want blonde/blue-eyed kids. Just that simple. Not even really racism, "I want my kids to have blonde hair, blue eyes." Without going into discussions with these girls about genetic traits, I usually reply with, "OK."
I've noted the higher the level of education, the more likely she will be open minded. Most of the white females I've dated have MBAs, JDs or some other type of doctorate. These types happen to be very independent and don't give a shit about what people say, so you will have to find strong women, and these types typically don't hang at bars because they are above that and they are. They have better shit to do. If I didn't meet through friends, I would meet them through my own professional groups, i.e. attorneys and CPAs. A lot of them are doing online dating because it's the fastest and most convenient way for them to meet people.
You also have to look at upbringing and her high school and neighborhood. If her parents are big into social scene, they will manage their daughter for fear of being talked about in their own social circle. I've had many break-ups that came after parents were told. Parents have cut off funds and stopped talking to them. I've seen some pretty messed up stuff parents would do to their own daughters. They would come to me crying, saying, "I can't not talk to my family." This is why the more independent, the better. Some neighborhoods just cultivate very negative attitudes towards people outside their race, and you can get a feel of these communities by growing up around them yourself. I know a few near where I grew up where I just knew my chances were slim.
Sometimes you can tell by the way they dress and the friends hanging around them at bars. Having lived in TN, AL, GA, LA, TX and NC, you eventually can pick up on the clothes the types who won't be interested will wear. Pearls are the most common sign. If she's in a flock of girls with Sundresses and sandals, chances are probably not good. The reason why is that these outfits trickle in from sorority life in college. If she's really decked out in expensive preppy gear, don't bother. Parents are prob loaded with a strong social circle they want to protect (here's where former Clippers owners comments relate. Some parents prob don't care but they don't want their own friends talking.). If she has white preppy, dbag guy friends, chances are high he was in a frat, especially if he went to a SEC school, and he will not be your friend at all in trying to help you out. In fact, he'll prob stir up more crap than her female friends (again, unless you play football). If you're looking at a group of chicks, the more the girls look like each other, the more they will all date the same guy so they can keep fitting in within the group.
If I was prowling bar scene, I would keep an eye on dark haired chicks with beers or whiskey drinks and who aren't wearing clothes that scream "I have to fit in." If they're in a diverse group, that helps. If she's only with one friend, and they're older, chances are prob better.
As far as night scenes, hip hop/dance clubs are good because you at least know if she's in a hip hop/dance club or bar, she likes the music. Liking hip hop music doesn't mean she's completely into dating outside race, but you at least know she's willing to be somewhere where black people might be. I've gone to plenty of bars where I'm the only black dude, and instantly know my night might not be so great. They hang out there because they are more comfy where their own kind is. However, if you party in college towns, you can very well be in a hip hop/dance club with no black folks.
It's really hard to pick the ones not evaluating on race. I've learned over the many years there, and I never have a problem now. Like you can find what you really want but you will have to face rejection on skin color a lot.
Unfortunately, I live in Washington State now and my game is all off, which is why I'm on this site now. The stuff I did in the South does not work here. People do a great game of lying to your face on the West Coast. The thing about the South was at least they told you to your face.
Side note: my comment prob isn't PC, don't care. If I appear to generalize it's because I was going for brevity. Thoughts are all over the place. Typed this on phone, so please forgive grammatical errors.
After the club
Hey Chase and Dave, I have absolutely no luck at all with getting girls to meet up after the club. I know the club is better for the same night lay, but im not confident enough nor have the best logistics for sleeping with them on the same night. I know it's possible to meet up with club girls days after the club, I just don't have the right approach and need to finally get over this hill.
I have so many numbers from club girls it's not even funny. If I fucked half of them, id ask could I make an article about it, that's how serious this is.
I'll give an example of what I do and the results:
I ask for a date then get the number every time, I even deep dive just a little bit.
I pretty much text them a few hours later and tell them who I am and to save my number. I never get a text back and then I follow up after a day of radio silence to ask them about their schedule, no response. I don't care to put my pride on the line for these club chicks so I stop hitting them up.
Next example that got me fast responses and the girl and I talked for about two weeks, but she at least gave me interest. It was only one girl and I only did this once because chase says not to wait or move slow. What I did was, I got her number by just asking for it and left, then after 3 days from that, I texted her and everything was good, her attraction was high, but I just couldn't figure out how to get her out because she was stubborn. I thought about trying this again but I remember chase said not to wait long, but out of all the girls she showed the most interest.
I know some guys that see girls days and weeks after the club, but they go the text buddy route and text girls all day about whatever, there is some deep diving in there, but they meet up, even though chase says not to do that.
I don't know what to do, im lost and completely frustrated. What can I do to get these girls to at least meet me up days after the club?
Thanks
end it?
Chase! Ive had loads of one night stands but finally wanted to get a gf. I met very nice girl and shes extremely intelligent but sth physical doesnt click. I have a problem with oral sex with her (never happened before) and she loves it so she has a problem too. Go with reason or emotions? Leave her or wait for things to click?
Oral on Her or You
Hey Anon,
Could you clarify on whether on she wants to give oral or you want to give her oral.
Just Dave
MILFs
Hey Chase,
Hope all is well! My comment is completely off topic from the above article however, I think you might like my two ideas for future articles. I would like to see an article on seducing/sleeping with MILFs/single mothers and how different they are from the rest of women in seducing them. Also an article on seducing older sexy women who have money and keeping them around as sugar hunnies.
I always look forward to your articles since they have helped me in all areas of my life since i joined your site 1.5 years ago. Appreciate it!
Noted!
Hey Phelwan,
I will let Chase and the other authors know about your request.
Just Dave
Groups
Hi I hope that this comment can be please be passed on to Chase, just because it's something that I really need answered 100% and I know Chase is the main authority in this site. Even though I appreciate and welcome all advice!
Basically my seduction skillset is pretty good I like to think - I know what I am doing with girls (particularly when I am one on one with them)
My problem occurs when I am ok group situations. The issue is not that I am shy or particularly put of by group situations, it's iust that they really are not my kind of thing, I much prefer one on one personal contact where it's just you and the person you are speaking to, things just feel more real and less surface level etc.
I don't mind chillin in a group every now and then when I am just looking to have a bit of fun - but for seduction purposes I need to know if how I run group game hurts my chances.
You see in groups, to me it always feels like a bit of a competitive bullshit game where 2 or more guys tries to establish himself as the loud one who tells all the stories and laughs as loud as he can etc, everybody is super noisy, just literally having fun, it's just chaos really.
My problem is that I can't be bothered to compete for being the loudest and most involved of the group, it doesn't appeal to me - so usually what happens is that I sit back a bit, listen, make a few witty remarks every now and then etc - but generally I am not one of the ultra 'ahh let's shout and laugh and get completely smashed' kind of people.
I guess what I am saying is how do you run group game? Can you get away with sitting back, and doing more listening that anything else?
It's not that I give a shit that I am sitting back, I don't care, it's what I want to do - but I want to know it it hampers my ability to seduce and isolate the girls in the group that I like. Is playing it cool in these situations a viable option?
Another question is how do I go from 'sitting in a group around a
Table' > spotting a girl I like > talking to her one on one > inviting her home
How should a seducer behave in a group - it always feels a bit false and try hard looking to become the big leader who is the noisiest and does all the talking etc - i just don't see all the famous seducers of history working group games like that, but I dunno.
Help appreciated.
Re: Groups
Anon-
There's an article up devoted exclusively to this subject; see this one: "5 Essential Insights on How to Meet Girls in Groups."
As for being seated in a group, targeting a girl somewhere else at the table not near you, and getting her out of there... there's not really a good way for that that I can tell you. Try to make sure you sit near her when you sit down, or get up and wait for the group to disperse and catch her once she's away from the table. Alternately, hover standing up opportunistically and wait for people to get up enough so that you can go and grab the seat next to her a little later.
Pulling in group situations is dicey; I'd recommend you check out these articles on the subject:
Chase
How to Be Happy
Dave,
Thanks for the links, I read them but haven't got any questions right now. I'll re-read it and see what gems I can come up with. The one with you and Amber was really interesting, I actually read it two times like a story. Amber is one hell of a chick. Congrats on that lay.
One thing that especially stood out to me in your reply itself was this quote:
"The main thing I can see for you is reprogramming your mind."
I'm back into senior high school now. Unfortunately, I'm back at the same school. My parents just put me back there.It wasn't my choice and besides, they are paying the fees. Today was my first day. The good thing about today was that in my class, about half the students are new to the school. Mainly girls too. So it's a hope to chat with them.
Dave, the senior high school year is the time when a lot of people change schools. That's great stuff.
I want to make a good first impression on these girls. What is stopping me is my own head. I have went through dark times. I've realized that I have a inferiority complex mindset. I struggle with believing in myself. I don't think that I am ever good enough. I get a lot of attraction from girls but not results. A lot of girls will call out to me, give me approach invitations and call me cute. What i do with all that? I waste it and keep causing attraction to expire.
I'm seriously considering taking a few months break from "gaming" girls. It messes with my natural self. All the scripted opening lines, techniques, and logically thinking about everything is making me overly self conscious, socially robotic, and pua' ish. It's extremely difficult to keep thinking about xyz at abc time.
What opener to use
Body language
What to talk about e.t.c.
I'm not sayings that all this advice or process is a waste. What I'm getting at is that I have too many things thinking about. I posted on the forums that I'm going to do strictly "social calibration training". That is until I develop basic calibration skills.
In the past three years I was a active athlete. I greatly improved my 400m split time yet I didn't have a good mentor and I was ridiculed by the "hip" guys. I was teased a lot and that really broke my self confidence. It really is true that the persons around us influence us good or bad. I feel fear socializing due to having gotten used to guys treating me poorly. It has gotten bad to the point where I struggle with expressing myself.
Talking has become tiresome and the words don't flow freely, I feel awkward when walking around and facial expressions are of a fearful appearance.
What interests me now is doing a few months of self esteem building. I need to feel comfortable in myself before its possible to talk to girls and befriend, seduce, and sleep with them. My first step towards doing that is getting away from people who are out to insult me. And socializing with everyone else to build calibration.
However, after three months of working on my walk, body language, and voice, they aren't improving. The main target is my voice and facial expressions for now. I want to feel comfortable and make these girls feel comfortable around me. Body language is difficult to change when the mind is depressed. So what could I do to control my voice and facial expressions when I feel low on confidence? How do I come across confident when I have self esteem issues?
How do I become relaxed when speaking, walking and being put on the spotlight. It's extremely difficult to walk up to a cute girl and not stammer or freeze up. I need to overcome my mental models.Could
you drop in the article queue "How to Be Happy"
Thanks Dave
Troy
Noted!
Hey Troy,
I will definitely let Chase and the other authors know about your request. The interesting thing about you Troy is you're not that much different from me. You have a lot of passion and I can see that. The thing I want you to look at is you're so close. You have opportunities to make things happen. Don't beat yourself up for coming short. We all come short, but you have to keep taking small steps. Enjoy your senior and prepare for the experiences in life you're going to face. It takes a long time to finally begin to master things as far as gaming girls. I've learned a lot particularly from you about how much things have changed in schools.
The thing I want you to know Troy is you control your own happiness. You have to decide to be happy for you and no one else. It's your life and you decide what direction you want to do in. Needless to say Troy, if you feel like you need to take time off go for it. Just make sure you come back because you're so close to a real break through. Anyway I'll drop the request in the queue.
Take care,
Just Dave
Drunk Friend
Hi Chase,
Great website filled with useful knowledge by the way.
Myself and two other friends (age range 20-21 so young bucks) were out last friday night, and things were going well throughout the evening. Now bearing in mind, my one friend is a 'Brightly packaged box with nothing inside', which is a shame, as he is usually a nice guy to be around usually just the two of us, even though he can lecture me about things he thinks he knows a lot more about.
For example, he is at uni doing his first year of law, and he has managed to get some part time work with his sister's fiancé recruitment company, and whenever he refers to the company he says 'our company' it's all a load of bollocks really.
Anyway, he has a minor drink problem (he is half irish haha) and he met this girl he has had sex with before in the pub. So he comes up to me with this girl in this pub and asks if we can go back/leave (evidently so he can have his way with her) as i was the only one with a car.
Now i had some stuff to discuss with this girl that i had not yet seen, and so i told him quite plainly that and we will leave after that. (demanding respect fairly you know?) and he does a huff and storms off.
He comes back a short time later and starts getting aggressive, he tells me to 'get out of here' blah blah, and when i don't, he lightly/medium pushes me in my face (so he doesn't actually hit me... perhaps it was a test?)
As you can understand, i just looked at him quite stunned, looked at my other second friend who is neutral and quite passive usually, though is still unnerved at this unnatural situation and i said to him 'it's not worth it' and 'cmon lets go upstairs and play pool or something, its not worth me hitting him' etc etc'
so we did and left my friend downstairs. My friend who was playing the drunk dick comes upstairs later after the girl he was trying to get back to mine had come upstairs and was talking to me about the situation and about HIS antics, and stands around the pool table trying to join in, he payed me no attention and neither did i vice versa, i went with my calm other friend back downstairs and outside in order to meet my girl who i had plans to talk to.
she eventually came but after a certain time, no one is allowed back inside the pub new customer or old. My drunk friend comes outside with his female, and I pay no attention. I do notice that he is REALLY trying to pull my other friends arm in his direction, almost in a sort of 'come with me, i'll show him he's wrong by having everyone else go home with me, but my friend did not go with him and stayed with me.
I then drove back with my girl and neutral friend.
I then sent the drunk friend a 'relaxed no hard-feelings' text a couple of days later, as he is too stubborn to apologise first. I valued our friendship more than i did falling out over his alcoholic tendencies.
He did reply back saying i have to apologise to you blah blah blah but i didn't feel like it was enough compensation for his actions, especially the push in the face, that really REALLY ground my gears.
My question to you Chase, is did i honestly do the right thing by not hitting him. I was so close, i could feel my knuckles turning white. Am i a weak man in the eyes of others? I have heard people i knew saw, and thought his behaviour was unacceptable, but what i cannot stand is the thought of being seen as weak.
He has tried to phone me recently, to which i can only presume is another apology.
Am i a weak man for not causing Grievous Bodily Harm to my cocky, arrogant friend? or should i feel a degree of pity.
Choosing Battles Wisely
Hey Will,
Even though you had the right to hit him, you did the right thing by not hitting him. Because in the end it wasn't worth it. You definitely are the bigger man in this endeavor. If anything you can calmly talk to your friend in person about it. Keep it in mind he was drunk and out of his mind. There's really point of fighting a drunk person because in the end you both lose. If anything people respect you more for keeping your cool and not overreacting.
Take care,
Just Dave
Chase, compliments
Chase,
compliments on your work. This article is great if a person already has an 'intuitive' feeling of the whole respect thing - the topics covered really helped me arrange and systemize what I already know and feel about the flow of respect in different social enviroment.
In my opinion the information in the article is even better for people who have had no idea about respect. It certainly helps one open his eyes for many mechanics behind the way people handle respect. I would like to make a remark to anyone who feels like this article hasn't helped him - first of all, understanding is almost never instant, so it's best to give it some time to sink in. Second, results won't be instant as well - they would come through practicing, which would lead to new sensantions, which would lead to better understanding and that - to being better on practice.
Lastly, I would like to add a thing that from expirience helped me a lot with being respected - to demand respect from yourself. Now, this may sound a bit schyzophrenic, but valuing and respecting your own time, not doing things that wreck you, keeping in mind your good accomplishments, not surrendering to self-pity and not thinking bad things of yourself would significantly raise your self-esteem, good mood and productivity.
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