Female Mind

Women often claim dates and hookups “just happen!” to them. But do they? And if you’re a man, is there a way to tap into things “just happening” yourself?

We have a member on the forum named Beam who recently committed to an exclusive, monogamous relationship. He has a girl he really liked, but he was also at a breakthrough moment in his game. True to the trend I identified in my article on guys taking girlfriends just as they're hitting game breakthroughs, his girlfriend sensed it and pushed hard for exclusivity, and Beam, figuring she's a great girl, granted her request.

Anyway, we chatted a bit about how he could best maintain his woman skills despite being monogamous. He tried telling his girlfriend he would still approach (whoops), but as you might expect she shot that down fast.

What I said was "you'll be able to flirt in natural settings, but if you try to push yourself to approach, your motivation for that will wane, and you'll probably feel conflicted about it, too."

He replied that that was already the case, and he felt conflicted already doing street approaches... but that flirting naturally with cashiers and checkout clerks or chatting up cute girls at a bar he was out to with buddies felt fine.

He volunteered that maybe because day game was what he was best at, that was why he felt conflicted, since those were the approaches most likely to lead to indiscretions.

That's not the reason though, I said -- it's because a day game approach is a conscious, deliberate one... whereas a flirtation with a cashier or a girl you chatted with while at a bar you were at anyway with friends is not; that, rather, is simply something that just happened.

What a girl says won’t tell you if she really likes you. So how to tell if a girl likes you (or not)? Read the subtext: her voice tone, body language, and compliance.

I see guys all the time talking about what a woman said and trying to decipher its meaning.

They seem to not understand this basic rule of telling how much a girl likes you: it's not what she says, it's how she says it... and what she does.

Women will say things to flirt with a guy, or comment on the environment, or for no reason at all. Then men will get in their heads trying to interpret some meaning from this.

"She said she doesn't date guys like me, does that mean I blew it?" the guy thinks.

Meanwhile she is laughing and smiling at him and has turned more of her body toward him.

Then he walks off, feeling like he shouldn't have walked off, but he can't explain to himself why not.

If you want to know how to tell if a girl likes you, that starts with tuning out most of what she is saying with words and tuning IN to what she is saying with actions, voice tone, and body language.

Women debate the morality of an extramarital affair while married to a man you don’t love. Why do different women view things differently?

I had a girlfriend tell me about a hornet's nest she kicked in the comment section of some gal's blog online.

Usually this girlfriend would read economics blogs and watch university lectures on philosophy. But she was into psychology as well, and sometimes she'd read blogs written by women chronicling their messy lives and tempestuous love affairs on a women's private blogging site.

One day, the female writer of some blog she'd been following entered her latest update. This writer had a loving, devoted husband, who was much more in love with her than she was him. The guy did a lot for her. Meanwhile the writer complained about how annoying her husband was and talked about how she did not love him back. There was a man she'd known whom she'd been in-love with in the past, but he'd moved away to care for his dying parents. Eventually he returned and the writer and he met up, the writer seduced him, and they started sex. He only got a few thrusts into her before her period started though and they ended the sex, the writer deeming it 'fate'.

This kicked off a variety of opinions from the female blogger's followers in the comment section. Some women cheered her on. Some women expressed confusion over why she'd cheat on a good and loyal husband. Other women asked why she was with her husband in the first place if she didn't love him.

My girlfriend, a hothead (most of my girlfriends are), dashed off an annoyed comment explaining to one of the confused women that, "That's just how she is. She is going to keep going back to that man, and then she is going to have a full affair with him, and she will never tell her husband." Then she wrote to the writer "Just tell your husband! Just tell him, divorce him, be brave, and be with the man you want!"

Then she added a little zinger at the end implying she knew the writer would never do this and would instead continue the affair in secret behind the trusting husband's back.

This kicked the hornet's nest, and a flurry of outraged women rode to the blog writer's defense, slinging mud at my girlfriend in ferocious defense of the mercurial writer's tempestuous lifestyle, beginning a day of exasperated reading and responding by my tenacious girlfriend.

Women sort regular guys into stereotyped boxes to know what to do with them. But make yourself sufficiently attractive, and these rules no longer apply to you…

For years, a war has raged in the seduction space between experienced and inexperienced seducers.

Inexperienced seducers have opined on all the reasons women are not interested in men like them.

Experienced seducers, meanwhile, have stated that women do not care at all about these things inexperienced men pin the blame for their lack of success on.

Things like looks, race, national origin, wealth, height, physique, and more get bandied about by the inexperienced as reasons women accept or reject men, yet rejected by the experienced as remotely valid at all.

Furthermore, inexperienced men will complain that women do not want to be approached, insist on men paying for dates, won't date you if you don't adopt the provider frame, and always insist on using condoms.

Experienced men will tell you women love to be approached, will often pay for dates themselves, are easiest to date for men who aren't providers, and will often be the ones suggesting you not use condoms themselves.

Why is there such a disconnect between men who aren't experienced with women and men who are?

Which of these men are living in a delusion... and which men aren't?

To answer this question, we must look at a simple truth of women's, and that truth is this:

Women have different rules for attractive men than they do other, more regular men.

Not all women have class. Some women only have crass. If a girl’s signaling her interest to you in a rude, obnoxious way, it is still interest… whether you act on it or not.

I talked with a friend recently who mentioned being around a bunch of American girls after having been out of the country for a while. One of the girls obviously liked him. Then she started talking to other girls in ear-shot of him about all the guys she'd had sex with.

My friend found this a complete turnoff and lost all interest in the girl. He's no newbie; he's been with a lot of girls. He just does not like this kind of classless, crass behavior. Regardless, he knew this girl was most likely putting on this display to signal sexual availability to him.

I said yeah, I've had a bunch of girls who obviously liked that do that to me over the years... like you, I find it a turnoff. It is mostly American girls I've had do this to me too. Though come to think of it as I write this now I've had a few non-American girls who have done things like this also.

If you like classy girls, you are going to find the behavior above and many of the other behaviors we'll talk about below distasteful. Because what it is is, obviously, a lack of class; the girl has no more refined way to signal her receptiveness or availability to you, so goes for 'crassy' instead of 'classy'.

Yet if she's doing it in a situation where the other signs there are pointing to her being interested in you, then it is almost certainly a sign of interest.

So let's take a look at some of the various rude, crude, unclassy behaviors girls will engage in that are actually (much of the time) signs of interest / sexual availability signals.

Depending on your classiness preference, you may find these behaviors turnoffs... or they might be right up your alley.

She’s beautiful. She can sleep with anyone she wants to. So, if she’s a beautiful girl, why WOULDN’T she sleep around with every hot guy she can get?

Commenting on my article on picking up girls with a jealousy plotline, a reader asks:

Hey Chase,

I've gotten together with a girl I met in a cafe.

That marks my first lay ever from day game!

It was not super straightforward to get her in bed but I managed.

She's beautiful, very smart, great personality, pretty good body- amazing girl.

The thing which shocks me is this:

After sleeping together, I casually asked her how many partners she's had before. I always do this and never come across as judgemental, so chicks always give me the full list, including guys who don't "really count"

So I know she's been honest with and freely opened up. She told me she had one serious boyfriend and that's it. One partner only.

I asked "What about any casual wild adventures? Some naughty action at parties or something?" She laughed and said she's not really a party kinda of person. She can drink socially but never got drunk and passed out and she despises clubs.

I guess what really confuses me is: if she's telling the truth, why on earth would a sexy girl like her not hook up? Guys check her out all the time, I'm sure they must have hit on her. It's so easy for her to have sex, yet she claims she only had one serious boyfriend.

It does not make sense to me because beautiful women can get sex on demand, so why on earth would she not use that opportunity?

It's interesting the range of expectations you see among men for what beautiful women's sex lives must look like.

There are men who expect the most beautiful women to be almost virginal. There are others who expect them to be total nymphomaniacs.

The actual truth of course is beautiful women are just like normal women.

They have the same kind of range in sexual inclinations and experience you find in the general population of girls: some with many lovers, some with few, most somewhere in the middle... with the added twist that as women get more beautiful, they trend toward fewer overall lifetime sex partners.

But... why?

Why wouldn't these girls, given the opportunity to hook up with so many hot guys, indulge?

Or, on the flip side, given the ability to not have to hook up, why wouldn't they stay virgins till marriage?

If you’ve been hurt by women, can you ever become a lover of women? To love women is not to ignore their flaws, but to enjoy them for their blessings.

I have always loved women.

They haven't always been perfectly kind to me. On some (fleeting) occasions, women have really been quite cruel to me. Of course, I don't think of it as "she is being so cruel to me!" because that is not how I think about things... instead I think, at worst, "Geez, here is an unpleasant person!"

I'm not a masochist; I don't stay in bad situations, and I am rather ruthless about cutting value-draining people from my life, including unpleasant or nasty women.

However, my dislike for a particular unpleasant person (or woman) does not dent my overall warmth toward womankind in general.

In this way, I suppose I'm opposite a great many men, who seem to have a general distrust of womankind, and instead busy themselves seeking out a singular "good woman" who is "not like the rest" to lash their hopes and dreams to.

Indeed, this is a human thing to do: there are just as many women distrustful of most men yet who search restlessly for that "one good man" who is "not like all the rest", just as men search for that among women.

Not every man may want to move from general distrust + "seeking the exception" to something closer to how I view women.

However, should you wish it, let me lay out a path for you to this kind of thinking.