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Attraction Has an Expiration Date

Chase Amante

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Attraction Has an Expiration DateA guy meets a girl he likes. He starts talking to her, and there's electricity in the air. Attraction. He can tell she likes him. A lot, even.

She tells him all kinds of things about herself, her eyes wide and filled with excitement. It feels as though there's a bubble around them, in which only they exist; the outside world falls away.

For a while, as time passes, the energy and enthusiasm only builds. It builds and builds, until it hits a peak; a crescendo. And then... it begins to fade.

The guy panics mentally; he can tell he's losing this girl, whom he felt so sure was his only minutes before. He works hard, trying to turn things around, to reignite the passion that was there. But alas, his efforts fail, and the fire dies.

He's fallen victim to a painful fact of life and love: attraction has an expiration date.

But what's more painful is, guys almost never realize this is why they failed. Usually they assume it was a value problem, or that they need to get better at maintaining attraction.

If only they knew the truth: they did just fine with attraction. It was, ultimately, that failure to act in a timely enough manner that led them to losing the girl.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his One Date System.

GET CHASE’S ONE DATE SYSTEM

Comments

LaurenceB's picture

Great post. Really insightful and I wish I would've read this a few months ago. Anyways I'll make my situation brief.

I am a pretty cool, good looking guy. My problem is that I'm a social retard and suck at developing relationships with anybody. 21 years old, college student, never had a girlfriend. I've been laid by a handful of hot women, but I want and know I can achieve more.

I had this girl in my chemistry class this semester. Super hot, super cool, and I knew she liked me from the second she looked at me. She showed all the signs of attraction, always saying hi, giving me freshly baked sweets, touching my shoulders in class (she sat right behind me), being so enthusiastic when I talked to her etc. I didn't ask for her number she gave me hers a week into class! Anyways end of semester hits and I never even asked her out or hooked up. Only time we saw each other was when we ran into each other around campus or in class. I regret it much cause I was so afraid of rejection, and never pulled the trigger. Should I still try to ask her out during the winter break? Wait til I 'coincidentally' run into her next semester? Or is it just a lost cause and attraction is no longer there? Any input from anyone would be great!

Eric Reeves's picture

Ouch.

My friend was in a similar situation, and I've always tried to push him into moving faster. You've probably hurt her pride a bit at this point, but it doesn't hurt to try.

You'll likely find that she'll accept going out with you somewhere, but then flake last minute. She'll also probably do this a couple times, so maybe try once or twice and move on.

You're probably better off waiting till you see her in person.. especially since right after winter break is when people are ready to start hooking up with new people.

Regardless, you need to meet lots of women. Go out picking up women every night (sober) and you'll find that by the time the next semester comes around you'll have too many girls to deal with. This chem girl will probably be crazy about you too just from the new vibe you'll be carrying around with you.

Careful though, thinking too much about this girl is a recipe for disaster.

- Eric

Anonymous's picture

Hey Chase, excellent articles, great insight.

Question. I think I have most of the stuff down, getting good responses from many women, generating quite good attraction. Usually the woman is all over me when I meet her, touching me, grabbing me, being all over the place, get her talking about herself... I am not narcissist, but judging the woman’s reactions around I think I appear like a quite hot guy - good looking, well educated, confident, plus having the PUA stuff down makes me attractive even more. The women are quite comfortable around me at first, all excited, but then they get so nervous when I meet them time. I am trying to keep my energy low, which works quite well, but she is still getting quite nervous and I think that is the reason she is just not too comfortable around me. My initial attitude is that I want to be her friend. Just casual talks, nothing exciting, even boring stuff.... Yet she acts as if I am trying to seduce her (which I am not trying). So ok, I start taking it as a potential lover, start showing some interest... and she just turns around, and wants to either become friend or runs away. Really, WTF??

I understand the 'Attraction has an expiration date', and that moving faster is much better than taking my time. However, either way it seems not to work for me. If I take my time, try to be more friendly and cool things off, the attraction truly expires - slowly and surly, and she starts dating other guys. When I try to speed things up, being quick and dominant lover, she starts running away, and I end up with choice to either chase her (obviously not) or she is just having difficulties coming back. Maybe they still perceive me as too fucking nice guy?

This already happened with 3-4 different women that I was really, really interested in, that I really wanted them. Two of them were so called Alfa Females (BTW, it would be a great topic how to seduce Alfa Female!). I think I am quite Alfa (with mixture of Beta as you suggested), but this Alfa Female I've just lost rather goes out with pure Beta male, who is truly like her puppy on a leash, buying her lunches, jumps when she says so, running around and barking when she asks for it... it is not even annoying what woman can do to adult man, it is simply disgusting...

Anyway, I don't know anymore, it is just frustrating not being able to get female I want, I can't see where am I going wrong... If I care too much, she runs away, if I show that I don't care much, she thinks I am not into it and not interested... So frustrating man. Anyways, I appreciate any insight.

Anonymous's picture

So She is a TA in my college. I go to the tutoring center all the time just about everyday. She doesn't teach me and is in the next room.

One day, I went into my tutoring class, she was in the other room with a few ppl and I glanced at her and all of a sudden she walk away from the ppl and stared at me with her eyes open like she was about to swallow me whole.

One day after the tutoring session, I offer to buy another girl a sandwich and went to a restaurant and 5 minutes she shows up too and buys herself a sandwich and I saw her looking at me and took a glance at the girl I took to the restaurant while her friends waited outside the resturant.

One of her friend I think told her that I invited another girl into the restaurant so....

It is now finals week so a lot of students are going for help. Last day I will see her.
Now I see her talking to a bunch of guy students in front of me (and apparently those guys seems to like her) and she does not pay any attention towards me.......(besides peeking at me while flirting and talking to other guys)

Another student said he is going to ask her out next semester when she becomes his TA (this guy was rejected by another female TA)

Well she will be my TA next semester too so.....

So it seems like I all the sudden like her now but so do a bunch of other guys. Do I really like her or am I jealous? Is she trying to make me jealous on purpose?

Before she left, I saw her looking at me.

Why did she all of a sudden start flirting with all of the guys?
I will not see her again till next month, do you think she would have move on before I get a chance to make a move?
________________________________________________________
Lately. She took a picture with this guy on facebook. He put it in his profile picture. All of a sudden 20 ppl liked it, and 3 weeks later 10 more ppl liked it when she called him hi sexy with a wink and smiley face.

Her profile used to be private. But now it is public along with her comments. I am not her friend on facebook.....nor that guy's friend

Do you think she goes out with him or is this another attempt to make me jealous?

Do girls call their boyfriend sexy on facebook for everyone to see?

______________________________________
However when I checked her ex's profile, only a few ppl like the pics she was in with her ex-bf while she went out with him. She also said I love you babe with a heart... (She broke up with her ex a long time ago so I am not concerned about him)

So why (I love you babe with a heart with her boyfriend (now ex). and Hey Sexy and a smiley face with this guy? (Her and her ex I think broke up a long time ago so she is over him)

Do you think she is over me and planing on or is already hooking up with this guy?

I just don't understand how a shy/nervous girl can be so openly flirty with guys on facebook. I think she is good friend with him because they work together but I have never seen them flirt while they were together.

I THINK I SHOULD OF HAVE MADE A MOVE FASTER. What do you think, forget about her and move on or try to get her.

Anonymous's picture

Chase,

This is good article with some great insight, I wish I had seen it months ago. I 100% see the things you describe in this article, happening with a relationship of mine. She is definitely cooling off and maybe even completely cooled off to me. Is there any way to turn it back and get her back attracted to me. I don't think it would work well If I took serious action with a girl who is cooled off. Any advice is appreciated.

Cheers

Anonymous's picture

I just came across this site and thought I would see about some input on situation I am now involved with.

This is very long and I hope not too confusing to those will to give me some input....
In November 2012 my best friend I have known since high - school passed away from Kindney cancer he was only 47 , we have always been friends staying in touch , last January he contacted me and informed me of the his current health diagnosis , I of course listened but when he said stage 4 I know the chances of any full recovery was very limited, over the next 10 months I would visit him in the hospital and later at hospice until his final days.

After the services I spoke to his younger sister who is slightly younger than me and we basically just said that we would stay in touch and get through this ( I later learned her husband had passesd away from a heart condition 7 years ago and has a 15 year old son)
I would text in the morning just to see how she is holding up many time it was short text saying she is ok but this is very hard on her, I told her perhaps we can talk later , which we later did, we spent 6 hrs on line talking on facebook, then the talking went to cell and then even text for 6 or longer hours for many days during the week , keep in mind we have known each other for well over 30 years but she is very young when I was in highschool.
It was strange that we had so much in common , perhaps it was her brother's death that brought us close I do not know , for weeks now I have been trying so hard to understand this, and I come away with nothing, so one evening she was telling me she joined this free dating site, I am like what really?" she said why? I am , how is that working for you , sarcastically, her reply was it isnt I have used this site since March 2012 and have gone on over 50 dates but have not had much luck.
At this point after all the talks we had I began to have feelings for her , I know this is where you say Go For It...! well she was talking to me about this guy who was 10 years younger than her and for the first time that she can remember he was everything his photo on the dating site was, as soon as they met it was this instant spark , they talked and he said he had great time, by the second date with this marine, he said he liked her alot and that he wanted her to be his at first she was surprised then she agreed to be with him only, as she was telling me this , she said I am not sure I made the wise decision, usually I think with my head not my heart but I could not stop , she said she liked what he said, which was life is short why not just do it!
of course I am listening to this and thinking Dam, what now , so I said we may have a complication , she was like what ? tell me? we were texting each other at the time, she said what did I just say? I said I am begining to have very strong feelings for you, something is driving me to you and I cannot understand this, she said you sure it has nothing to do with how I just told I was dating this guy? so absolutely not, she this is really alot to think over I am shocked and confused but I will figure this out, said she had to go and that she would talk to me later.

The next day we spoke and I explained to her once more my feelings, she said I appreciate you being honest with me but I am in committed relationship now and I cannot possibly date or see you, I am like ok, if it does not work out, then all I want is the chance to go out with you, I was not begging just saying how it is.. she said we shall see
As the weeks continue to go on, we would speak daily via text or phone 3 weeks ago she called hysterical and wanted to know if we can talk ( yea I know what you are thinking Friend Zone) I called her on my cell and she was very angry I asked her what was happening, said that she found the guy she was seeing is not being honest, after they met and agreed to date exclusively she took her profile off the site, while he left his on, she had a friend send him a random message on the dating site , abnd he replied to her said that he is kind of in a relationship but if he can have her number he will call , well this set the whole thing in motion, she said he never would call her, even text her, she said communication is key, I was giving her sublte hints like this is how I would be if it was me, this just seem to go over her head, I offered my thoughts and within a week they broke up.

So now I saw the opportunity to just close the deal , I asked her again , her reply was she did not think it was good idea , feels strange that her brother's best friend wants to date her, i listened and continued my pursuit of her, of which it backfired , when we would talk it was always great, this time she became very irritated, said I just broke up with this guy and now you are pushing me to date you, thank you very much , I later apologised , then she said I was asking too much she has her life, her family, her job and friends, I said gotcha I will back off, which I did, the text messages were very short, and I caught onto this immediately I thought that this is what she wants, I did not text often , then finally I called her said look you are right I will not bother asking you out, I will stand back and we can be just friends, well as soon as that took place she changed, she began texting me more, we began to talk more and she became flirty with me again sending me photos and it was great , but still she was on the dating site , still dating several guys at once, I am like ok so what do I do , if I ignore her she will want to ask why? if we talk it is great but I have to understand there is no chance we will ever date, I am not sure if you simply call it friend zone of just a good friendship so here I am at a point where I do not know what I should do, I like her so much she is on my mind all the time, last night we texted and she send me photo of herself in bathing suit she later said she should should have not done this I am like why its great, I made joke and said yummy , her reply was friends do not call another friends photo yummy I am like I am changing this, so we texted and again this morning we did the same, I am good friend and she even suggested I try the web site for dating , so I know the writing is on the wall her, but something tells me she is as attracted to me as I am to her, yet she will not go out with me anything thoughts?

Dave

Balla's picture

Hey Dave, I'm sure Chase can give better insight. But since your new to this site I can pretty much tell you what you can do. Chase has pretty much a lost on everything, so if you have a problem look for it in his articles and it'll change your way of thinking for sure.

On your situation all I can say is make her make a hard decision or just leave her alone. You obviously want to date this girl and not just be friends, otherwise you wouldn't be asking this question. So I'd say if she wants to be friends back off until its under your terms. Unless you want to keep being around while she dates other guys then be her friend. All imma say is do what you really want to do man, if you like her as a person and your close to her continue being friends, but you can't have deep feelings for her or you'll go crazy trying to win her over and you'll be very depressed man. But all in all get better with girls, meet more women, and date more women and you'll be good. Read the site it'll change your life. Do what will make you happy in the long term.

Peace,
Balla

Anonymous's picture

Hey chase,
So I read this article but my situation is relevant to it however I was hoping you could give me an answer to these special corcstances. See I met this girl almost two months ago and she actually came up to me and started talking to me. We talked the whole day and that night we slept together. Now here's the part where I'm stuck... We text every day yet I've only gotten to see her one other time in the last couple months because she is extremely busy. I don't want her to lose attraction interest in me but at the same time I can't help not being able to see her. I wa hoping you could help me figure out a way to keep her interested in me even of I don't get to see her in person very often. How do I keep things moving forward in this situation? I don't want to seem desperate by always askin her when she's free so how do I go about this?
Thanks Chase

Dayne's picture

Hey chase, how do i do this ?
i just wanna keep her loving me, u got any tips or ways ?

Jaipa2001's picture

There is a really populer girl who keeps winking and smiling at me... Should i ask her out

Anonymous's picture

Coming from a young 20 year old woman, this is just completely untrue. Those girls didnt have a fleeting attraction that suddenly expired, they just weren't interested period. The article flip flops main ideas, is it the attraction that is fleeting or is it simple a lack of initiative on the mans part. I'd have to go with the latter, it sounds like a lack of initiative that allowed these woman to slip through your fingers ( not a sudden loss of attraction) why would we pursue someone who showed only a vague hint of interest?

Hplscs's picture

I am reading through the PUA material for several years now. I learned lots of interesting and amazing stuff, including this blog. As a matter of fact, this is one of the best material I found. I thought that I am good, I thought that I learned much more than average PUA, but honestly, I am really impressed by this blog.

But the more I read the more I am realizing one simple thing: Why not just be a man? Why not become one? Real man does things the way he wants, he doesn't need to learn pick up lines – he simply goes and talks to a woman. What for do you need pick up lines? Learning how to text her? Worrying about attracting her and keeping her? Thinking about what is the right and wrong way to say things? Observing her and waiting for her signals? All these things, no matter how great they seem, are simply ridiculous...

What for does a man need to learn seduction techniques for? Get your lazy ass out (you, average AFC), work on college degree, go to fitness and create some muscle mass. Get a real job, open a business. Have a beer with your frends. Get guts to get into a fight, if not on the street do it in fitness under supervision. Who cares if you loose, just do it, punch him couple of times, and get some punches back... You'll build confidence the natural way. Who cares? Or get a hobby, what do I know, just get a life. Show that you can acomplish something, not to impress her but just do for yourself. Show that you are motivated, not to get pussy every single day, but to get a life. Your own life. Also show that you can relax. Talk to your coworkers, talk to women at work, talk to them in the shop. Just talk, who cares about what...

You don't need to seduce every hot female that you see, just let her go. Let somebody else have her. Go jerk off in stead, or read a book. What for do you need to study seduction techniques? What for do you need to be mysterious? Why do you worry about whether she is attracted to you? Just be a man.

You don't have to be an asshole, just a man – and she'll pick you up. Why? Because man is rarity today. And if not she, another one will. Who cares..? Do you really have to have her, just that one? Who cares if you sleep with her in one night, or after fifteen dates? Are you really so weak that you can't be happy without female at first place?

Anyways, what for do you need to sleep with different female several times a week at first place? What for do you need to date five females at the same time? In my opinion it only shows insecurity, it shows too much of an attachment to women. Simply, if you were not attach to them you would not need them so much. You only appear that you don't need them, you appear that you are above the game – but in reality, you wrapped all your life around females, you think about them day and nihgt. It is still you who is chasing them...

No matter how great you get at the PUA stuff, you are only still that insecure puppy that you were years before – you are still chasing them. The difference is, you are a master now, you now have great skills. But inside, inside you are still doing the same things over and over, the same way like before – you are simply still chasing, only with newer, faster and improved techniques.... With these techniques it only appears that they are chasing you... Really, who is the real chaser?

If she is classy, if she is really intelligent – she will sooner or later see through you anyway. No game will save you, no pretendings will fool her. In stead, build a value of yourself, build a real man, do real stuff – and she won't let you go. She can't.

Just a thought...

Isabella's picture

Hi, so I am at the other side of the situation.. I have been casually flirting with a guy at work and got an invitation from him to go with him and a group from work (who I dont know) for some snow activities. I had to decline because my friends were in town and I told him that and that I would love to join next time. Same night we met randomly at a bar and talked alot, danced, kissed. He even walked me home in a completely wrong direction ( he knew he couldnt spend the night due to my girlfriends staying over). I wasnt drunk, just tipsy, but I dont remember all the details of our convo. Just remember him saying he was shy and hinting that we should do something in the daytime (I said that we should, I would love to etc.)

Then on monday we talked alot, he seemed quite nervous when talking to me. Babbling on about trivial stuff.. I tried to flirt with him and talk to him as well, but at the end he drove me crazy by not asking me out or anything (1 week later).. So I just kinda stopped flirting for a day or two and then the flirting from him stopped all together.

Should I just give up ? I hate the feeling of him thinking that he could now get me whenever he wants or that I am annyoing..

I dont know if he is feeling the attraction still.. how do i figure it out ? Would love if you could help me out here.

Laura's picture

If a women is giving you the eye and then stops, its not always because you didn't make a quick move, in fact, if you approach a woman too soon, you will normally put her off.
The truth of the matter is that, women love sexual attention, even from men they do not fancy, as its an ego boost for a women to be looked at and desired by as many men as possible.
Women compete with each other all the time for the most attention-they see it as a kind of celebrity status, just like men compete with each other with their cars and material wealth.
If a women has been giving you the eye and then stops, its usually because she's got what she was after and has moved on to the next, in that, you clarified to her that you found her desirable.
She was never after sex, she was after your desire, so she could mentally add you to her tally of men that looked at her that day, sad, but true.

When a women genuinely fancies you, there will be no guessing games, provided you keep on returning the obvious eye signals.
She will keep on giving you the eye everytime she see's you about if she likes you and if she doesn't, chances are, shes not interested.

You should be yourself, male shyness is actually a turn on to some women.

Anonymous's picture

I met this girl we really seem to hit it off the first week... so O asked her out that same week but she actually had something going on that Saturday so she reorganized for either next Tuesday or Thursday. I waited until Thursday because that was the time I was off .... I called her and it turns out that she was in the hospital....she said everything would be fine and that she gets released by Sunday. The thing is here with all of these unfortunate true events happening ...how soon should I ask her out again? the surgery that she has ....has a recovery time from 3 days to a week... I don't want her to lose interest in me I'm really trying to take full initiative here.

fyi: she comes to my job a lot, i didn't know she was in the hospital all week, we text a lot the first week but. the 2nd week was when she was in the hospital, I don't know what I should do now.

Frank's picture

In general, girls can flip on you. They lose attraction and gain attraction sometimes as often as they change clothes. So yes attraction has an expiration date in a sense, however, it is usually recoverable through some new development or having time pass.

Anonymous's picture

I have known this girl for quiet sometime now and she's been giving me the attraction flow but she teaches my kid in school and I know nothing about school rules but gone this Val day I made her a present with a note and my name inside the box not outside,so when I went to pick up my kid she was there and she told my sorry she could not accept my gift ,and when I got home I found in my kids valentine box a card with my kids name on it and the peom "love is a circle" my kid said she the teacher made it so she can give it to her mom and dad,but my kids mom think she still likes me and that the card was meant for only me so what your advise here.

Anonymous's picture

Hey chase,

How can i so this without being needy? Will i not be perceived as needy if i rush things? Many dating coaches advices to act as a challenge. How can you rationalize that?

MichaelB's picture

This is what happened to me this weekend..

Some background info first: the girl I'm about to talk about broke up with her boyfriend recently. We had a thing before she dated him...about 1.5 years ago.

Now to the story:

A bunch of friends came down to visit and the girl mentioned above ended up tagging along with one of my female friends. My night was made...or so I thought. Up to around midnight, things were going great. We were both pretty drunk having a great time at the bar. At one point, before leaving, she even asked me if she could stay with me tonight. I obvioulsy said yea. We all went home. The two of us then got in bed and for some FREAkING reason, the first thing that came to mind was cuddling. We didn't even kiss. Soon after, I passed out. WTF. I was in a different state of mind. It seems like I felt intimidated by her recent brake up or something.

Here I am...with a smoking hot girl in my bed and all I did was cuddle. I usually close the deal but not this time.. For some reason, I couldn't get myself to make a move. And we have done "stuff" before....a while ago.

Any advice on how to proceed? I'm thinking of not drinking much next time I see her and have goal in mind all night....to CLOSE the damn deal..

Thanks guys..

george's picture

Hey Chase,

This a very well written and informative article. I had a few questions about what you talked about. It makes prefect sense that you should never hover around to to make a move with a girl. But what about the opposite? What if you do it too quickly? and I dont mean in an obsessive, desperate way, but I heard you say about a week to a month before the fire dies (not exaclty sure if you said exactly this sorry, perhaps you could clarify). what should be the time frame for this?

also, I should mention that this girl is my age, we were acquaitnaces in high school (we are in different but close colleges now), and i have a feeling she likes me too. So in the case with her, I am hoping for long term relationship (ie not just one night). I know in your article you focus a lot on this, but does the "expiry date"if A) I have known her for a good amount of time, and B) i am looking for a more long term relationship?

Thanks,
George

Anonymous's picture

So how does a guy get a girl to like him back?

Situation:

This guy was friends with a girl for a 1 year and a half. They first started out as housemates, because she moves in for spring semester.

She hinted her attraction toward him, but he turns her down because he wants to get to know her more before he makes a move. He tells her that he wants to remain friends.

She moves out by the end of the semester but they kept in touch. Over the course of the year, she had hinted her attraction toward him but he turns her down on three separate occasion, because he wants more time to get to know her. He tells on these three separate occasion that he just wants to be friends.

He is a good guy, who been raised with good manners. He only sleeps with his girlfriends. No hook up for him.

A few weeks after Valentine day and a year had passed, he decides that he really does like her since she throw a birthday party for him. When he makes a move, she rejected him and ends the friendship.

He is flabbergasted about why she would rejected him when it was obvious that she had liked him before and he wants to know if he can repaired the friendship in hopes of a relationship with her. Is there anything he can do?

THAT Guys's picture

Chase -

Been dating this girl for 6 months. I am, admittedly, "slow to boil" - I take time to show/tell girls how I feel as a result of having been burned (and done some burning) in the past. A situation came up about a month and a half ago with this one wherein I acted like a fool and it really hurt her. I apologized (didn't grovel) and things seemed to get back on track. Her interest level seemed up for about 1-1.5 weeks, then things started getting hot and cold. The good times were awesome, then other times (sometimes the next day), she seemed disinterested, dispassionate about it. In the last 2 weeks, she's been super busy with work and other commitments, and while we've talked (9/10 times it was her initiating contact), we haven't seen each other.

We've had a couple of serious conversations about "us" in which she's brought up some past hurts, where her focus lies right now, and the fact that she doesn't see marriage in her near future (neither do I, for the record), so she doesn't know that it makes sense to get into a relationship at the moment. I realized this was all likely womanese for "I'm not digging you the same way", and it was confirmed last night. I got tired of texting/messaging/phone calls, so I asked her if I could stop by. She agreed, I went by, and we talked for about 2 hours - about EVERYTHING. Ultimately what it all boiled down to is that she said the excitement that was there for the first ~ 4 months of our relationship wasn't there any more (attraction has an expiration date). She still cares about me, loves spending time with me, but the "spark" isn't there right now. I'm into this girl and believe that I've seen that attraction in her recently - as in like the last 3-4 weeks.

My question for you: how do I get it back? I've read boatloads on the subject, on your site and others, and realize that it may be a lost cause, but I'm going to try regardless.

Appreciate any advice you can offer.

Best,
THAT Guy

Veyron's picture

I met this intern girl last month who worked under me. Not working under me anymore as of yesterday, but I am attracted to her. She has a BF and but has been flirting with me a lot. Her BF is a student a couple of years behind her and a long distance BF while I am a faculty and in much better status. She did speak of her bf three times the entire month. She may potentially looking at me as a trade up ( and I know she can do that in the future too)

I have been pretty busy with work and hobbies and did not want to ask her, particularly when an intern under me - as it is against employment policy.
I had been playing hard to get, less acknowledging of her compliments and made myself very busy including subtly pretending that I am seeing someone although a friend might heve told her that I am not in a very committed relationship.
She has asked me about - my parents, my home, my hobbies, my free time and where I am going on vacation. I am currently on vacation for 9 days and I plan not to text her at all during vacay but when I am back resume texting and then ask her out.
Is this a good strategy to be silent during the vacation and text and meet up when I get back. I do not want to show that I am desperately thinking about her during my vacay. But, at the same time, I am not sure waiting 10 days would be too long. Advice appreciated?

Anonymous's picture

Hello Chase,

Glad to come across your site, and this awesome article. I have some kind of this problem and I hope you could give me some suggestions.

I am a Chinese guy currently doing internship in India, and I met a Brazilian girl here (3 months ago), she is an intern as well, we work in different company, so we actually don’t meet very often. We went traveling once with 2 other girls 1 week later after we met, I didn’t talk too much during the trip, but I took good photos of her, I think I made a good impression her, she always says I am a very nice person (Kind of typical good Chinese I guess). Then we had another chance together to travel again, but she didn’t come because her friends come to her and she had to keep them company. So I feel kind of upset, and me friend a Brazilian guy chatted on their Brazilian group said that I felt upset because she was not coming, and he said I liked her. They chatted on facebook in Portuguese which I didn’t understand at all, then my friend posted a pic of me on face book and one of her friend commented below:” someone is happy today…”

Actually we hardly contact personally, it’s been 3 months, and we usually meet at bars(At the beginning I hardly went to bars cos it is too noisy for me but she loves it), friends places, some gatherings, and since last week she comes to my place to watch “Breaking bad” with my roommate (another Brazilian) on Monday.

On the beginning of September, I went to Nepal for 2 weeks, during my trip in Nepal, she visited my office and left a notice to my Brazilian friend said “ I came here to say I love you”, and she also wrote “Tell Li(my name) he is the man”.

After I came back to work, my friend asked me to take a photo with him for the Brazilian girl because she asked him to do so.

I am kind of shy sometimes, and I know I only stay in India for 6 months and I never had dreamed of having a girlfriend here before, and as a Chinese, I am somewhat conservative in dating girls (that is why I don’t contact her often). And I am outgoing and talkative when I stay with my good friends, but if there are so many people, I speak less cos I don’t know what to say. People who don’t know me regard me as a shy Chinese.

It’s been three months since we first met and I think, according to what you said in your article, she might be not interested in me cos the attraction expired. We will meet on Wednesday at a party, So I came here for suggestions, because I never have dated western girl, so I have no idea if she likes me or not, and maybe she just views me as a good friend, and what can I do to date her?

BTW, I am designer and animator, and she loves arts, she likes my photographs and drawings, and we both love traveling. We have something in common.

Waiting for your suggestions. Thank you so much.

JB's picture

Hey Chase,

Your the man dog. Listen I have a feeling that I may have let the attraction expire with this girl I just met. I was walking to the apartment to a party when I saw this really cute girl standing outside. I asked her if she was going to the party and she responded yes and I let her in. She was immediately interested and we ended up playing beer pong together. She had to leave to pick her friend up and she gave me her number. So i set up a date at this coffee shop at our school. (Not Exactly Covert) We talked for about an hour and I thought it went really well. I did a solid job of deep diving, she showed me her watch and her new shoes (investment), I did a solid job of mirroring by relating to her. But honestly looking back I feel like I was acted almost too much like a boyfriend candidate by acting a little too nice.

So after we met I texted her later saying I had a good time with her and she responded saying the same. But this is the red flag. The next day she texts me and asks if I have a way of getting alcohol bc shes underage. To me she slotted me into the friend/boyfriend zone right then and there. So i declined and told her that I couldnt. I ended up seeing her later at another party. She responded well to me and we were grinding on the dance floor pretty hard. Unfortunately, I got way too drunk and I had to leave without sealing the deal.

I honestly think I have no shot, but there still is a side of me that thinks I have a shot because all of this has taken place in 9 days

What you think man?

Anonymous's picture

I met this girl at her work, a little coffee shop. I've visited her and engaged in conversation a couple times then finally got her number. We had arranged to meet the next week, but something understandably came up. I've had some weeks were I was busy and some weeks where she has been busy, I've texted her to go out twice since, but according to her she was busy the 1st of those times (she's going a through a small crisis of looking for a new job) and said she was sick in response to the second time. It's hard to tell if she's giving me a soft/easy rejection because we have good rapport and when I do visit her at work she gives me a lot of attention, sits with me, and is showing a ton of the signs she is interested. So I don't know how to feel about not being able to go out with her so far. From the time I got her number until this posting it's been about 6 weeks. I've texted her maybe once or twice a week. She still seems interested, but I'm at the point where I question even my own judgment on how I'm interpreting her signs.

white cat's picture

I posted this on a forum and didnt get any real resolution.

"I keep running into really young girls between the ages of 18 and 21 and the give strong ioi's and even try qualify themselves to me and once I show any interests they go cold. Some I get numbers but I'm trying to figure out if they don't realise they are acting interested and get scared off or what? Some will still come up to me at work and seek me out after I show interest but they temper it down. For awhile i thought they were just attention whores but they eventually go into auto-rejection. Why would do that if there just looking for attention.. Just a side note I'm a really good looking guy and know how to dress. So I started to wonder if they are doubting their selves or something."

"I try to spend more time with them but they go cold after I get their number or show any interest in hanging out. So I will go cold on them and ignore them for a little bit and they will start pinging with me again. Usually toned down a bit though. So I will run a jealousy plot line and they will still react like their interested but then try and get them to hang out and they go cold again."

Then I read Chase's articles on "Attraction Has an Expiration Date" and "Secrets to Getting Girls: Staying Out of Auto-Rejection" and decided I need to qualify more, show interest and move faster. But I'm still having a hard time getting them from dodging out when it comes to hanging out. how do I get past this? its driving me nuts because I keep running into this and been dealing with it for 3 years now.

As a side not most of these girls I work with or they come into my work or gym and seek me out.

Anonymous's picture

I met this girl fell for straight away, we went on on 7 dates over the christmas period and excahnge giftes, one evening she would not take her eyes of me all night and i was the same with her, she even told my she was so fortunate she met me, and even arranged for me to meet her son, which did not happen as we an issue with texting each other, she said she text me but i did not recieve, we used to teaxt each other all the time, before christmas day and after.

I met her Boxing day and we walked along the beech hand in hand too, so generally though everything was good, and actually thought alot of her, oh by the way we are both 40 years old.

She then went away for a week to leeds with her parents to see her brother, now i did not text as i thought it was a affair, i text her new years eve to widh her a Happy New Year and she responeded the same with xxx after her text which i was used to up until she left.

I had also apoligised to her before she went for not meeting her and her son, but she told me not to worry as we could meet up on her return, anyway i did not hear from her until the friday as i text her to wish her a safe journey home, she replied on her return home and wanted to meet up the follwoing week, and i will be honest i was surprised as i had not heard from her and then a text wanting to meet in the week,

I was glad and excepted, so we both started texting again, but I could feel the etx were shorter and less responsive, so i told her i would rather talk by phone then text as sometimes i did not fully understand what she was thinking or trying to say.

Anyway we agreed to meet Thursday after she cancelled the wednesday due to her mother being ill, anyway thursday came and she sent me a sayiny "ive been thinking a lot and got to behonest not sure we are right for each other, im sorry but i dont want to meet tonight, adn i dont want to mess you around.

I did reply as to why she was so into me up until she went away.

she replied "Im sorry, I was being genuine and i do like you, it was a little to much to soon i think, plus this guy i used to date keeps contacting me, i dont want to see him but think it unsettles me, im sorry if i upset you.

I really dont see what i did wrong, i did evrything right in my eyes, she was on about to much to soon, yet she wanted me to meet her son and told me she only had eyes for me.

Can you tell me where i went wrong?

Anonymous's picture

Wow, i disagree with "Inaction on the part of the man leads women to give up and lose hope." because, if the girl likes the guy, then the girl should be the one to act! It wasnt the guys fault it should be "Inaction on the part of the woman leads themselves to give up and lose hope."

stef jaen diaz's picture

the point is that many(most)women wont, and what Chase said would happen, you are confusing whati is ought to be with what it is the case...

Greg's picture

Those second and third paragraphs are nothing I've ever experienced.

mr_firm's picture

Chase,
What do you do if a woman insults you? To me an insult is worse than rejection. I can deal with rejection because nearly 100% of the time a woman will be polite about it, but an insult to me is far worse because it comes from a woman who internally thinks she is better than me. That is how I feel. Am I correct to feel that way? Thanks in advance.

Anonymous's picture

in my case i met a girl and we had an amazing night together and the way we kissed was so romantic and sensational, but from what i understand from her she was in a very serious relationship and she just got out of it, so i hesitated to go fast, and then i saw her the next day and it was my last day before my business trip, we did have a good lunch and we were walking in the street and happy and cuddling but then when i kissed goodbye i told her that i would like to keep in touch with her and hopefully will see her when i get back and in the mean time we can contact each other thru messages, but its been a week now since i left and she barely answered my msg and she didn't even react on my second, what should i do in this case (my trip is for a month) and i honestly don't c myself msging her more often…
Is she scared of long distance? she's not that into me?? she did told me that she hates long distance because of her ex…what should i do and what will happen when i get back? i really like her…
please help

justice's picture

Hello chase,There's this girl in my school who has a crush on me and I kinda told her that I like her too...Since then we've been kind of together although I having asked her to be my girlfriend.There's this one guy( also in my school) who keeps trying to flirt with her and she is loose with other guys too (she hugs them real tight,sits on their lap and level let them hold her waist)...Things were going good but recently the way she has been acting is all weird,She used to call me like a million times a day and we would text all night but now she barely calls and when I decided no to call her for two days she reported me to her friend...I was thinking of asking her out next week but I am really confused,Please I need Your Advice....Thanks!

New kid on the bock's picture

This kinda feels vain to ask but since I'm already looking at this website I guess I'm already through the looking glass. But I gotta ask; when you said;

"Why does attraction expire? If two people are suited for each other, they ought to have all the time in the world to get together, one might think.

I first noticed that attraction had an expiration date back in college. I noticed that girls in my classes who'd stare at me all day and smile at me and flirt with me would only do it for a time; gradually, as they flirted and I took no action, they'd come to lose interest, and eventually they'd move on."

I realized that I'm at the same exact stage that you were then. I noticed that a lot of girls were looking at me and talking but I never had the courage to push through and ask them until several days, weeks, or months later. I've learned real fast this lesson was just wondering what came next for you once you managed to break though this stage so I might know what comes next.

Anonymous's picture

Hi
So I think I've messed up on my timing I really like this girl
And she likes me aswell but I'm really shy. So I was at the pub
When she rang me to hang out so I invited her. We hooked up
Went back to hers and before we left I said I didn't won't it to
happen Like this and she agreed. We made out some more
back at hers and I said I had to sleep so she did aswell in the
Moring I woke up to her trying to start hooking up again. But
half way through the fore play I stopped and said I had to wait
But now it just seems hawkward did I miss my timing or am I over
Thinking this.

Thanks anon

brownbetty's picture

a man that gets it! And one that gets the dating dynamic without trying to take cheap shots at how silly or out of whack female thinking is. It is not even taking shots at men. LOVED your use of the concepts of TAKING RESPONSIBILITY, STALLING, and women eventually becoming BITTER towards that man for inaction. I'm 22 years old so I can only speak for college aged girls and younger, but I've noticed that males around my age want to be the prize. they want girls to approach them, to romance them, to show overt interest while they kinda act like indecisive cowards that feel ENTITLED to sex with you after all of YOUR effort and who, after all of this, won't even give you a title. Like they wear ambivalence as a badge of honor.

I was talking to a Chinese guy in his late twenties who has a really GREAT job and to me seemed like a interesting person. I told him I was attracted to him and I really respected his lifestyle and accomplishments. We went out a few times but he never initiated any kind of physical touch beyond hugs. On the first date it was cool to me since a lot of guys are very (sometimes only) interested in sex with me. But after a while I thought "this is weird." And then i started feeling eerily insecure and my friends started saying "he doesn't chase you enough" so after a while I deleted his texts, number, all contact on social media because it absolutely was a blow to my ego... especially with it being drawn out over the entire summer. in just 4 hours he sent me a really long email about how hes sorry he's been weird and had all this work stuff that kept him occupied. He asked me why I cut him off and so forth.
because, like you said, it is about timing. the rapid response from him made me believe I was being irrational and within the weekend we were normal... then he started being weird again. He would vacillate between excitement for us to share experiences or to talk about whats going on in either of our lives, to like... not replying my texts... (this, also accompanied by the fact that i discovered he knew about online accounts I hadn't shared w. him or details about myself that my male friends were pretty sure he cyber stalks me) so I got PISSED this time and responded the way I originally had... like clockwork, within just hours, he tried to skype me, sent me hoards of texts like he had been reading my texts all along and was JUST NOW going to address them (he also started referring to stuff on my blog which was just WEIRD), he called, and messaged me on one of my non disclosed accounts. I ignored him. I decided to stand firm. I just think the ambivalence makes him look weak to me, and it's sort of suggesting to me that his assessment of my value, doesn't match mine. who wants to waste time on a maybe when you can go after sure things? especially when the guy, despite what he may think, is not exactly a "prize" himself.

ImInHighschool:('s picture

Hi chase, I need your help! So I have been on your blog for about a month now and would say I'm pretty decent with girls.... Always room for improvement but nevertheless, I'm decent. So I'm a senior in high school and need to know what the best way to have sex with girls if you don't always have a house to go to, because of my parents. I have snuck many girls into my house and bedded them only for them to leave before my parents wake up. So because I don't have my own place to go it is a lot harder to get girls to come to my house while my parents are home. So what should my alternative be? In a car? Also my other question is, when I go through the school day, I ignore everyone besides my 2 best friends who are also pretty good with girls, not because I am socially awkward but because it's easier for me to focus on what needs to be done. It goes back to the article about the grasshopper and the ant. Throughout the day I can tell MANY girls want me to talk to them, through their non verbal actions such as playing with their hair and asking for help with things and incidental contact. Should I give them the attention they want because of the attraction expiration date? All of these girls tare girls that I am interested in, I just really don't see how I can balance out my life in school with girls. I'm more of the kind to do all of my actions on the weekends. Thanks in advance

teckdeck2008's picture

Hey Chase,

I enjoy the articles. Been a lurker for a while because I've been trying to improve my game in general and I like the approach you take with this. It's useful yet still gives room for people to have their own values and personalities which I other guys fail to understand.
Anyways, I've had it happen a several times now that due to scheduling issues (most recently a beautiful girl who works as a model but is also a single parent) we hit an expiration date. I was wondering what you advice is on how to deal with this. I feel like there isn't much I can do about it; but I also don't want to keep missing opportunities, because I was shy kid like you when I was young and want to shake that issue.

Thanks for the help.

nanday's picture

So how do you get the girl to chase you again after she approached and you shut her down, if possible?

Anonymous's picture

Dating a Mature Hot Leo Woman Leo (60 but looks 40 ) or 1.5 yrs.
We always have lots of Fun together .
Often times i forget that we are not a Committed coup;e !
BEFOR MEETING HER , I WAS MARRIED FOR 20 YRS.
SHE HAS BEEN DECORCED 29 YRS. ....IR. 9 YRS. LONGER THAT I WA MARRIED !!!!!
WHEN we started dating , we were together 3 days..Every weekend .
PROBLEM :
STILL NO SEX !!! JUST HUGS & KISSES ....WTF .....
i now dont call her nor txt but once every 2 weeks ...to see if she will chase ????
NO ! SHE WONT CHASE !!!!

WHENEVER I ASK HER TO MEET ME SOMEWHERE - ANYTIME OF THE DAY OR NITE ......
SHE WILL JUMP & BE THERE ON TIME ?????
WITH THAT SAME SHITTY HUG & KISS ON THE JAW .........

I'M TRYING TO RESPECT HER .......SOMETIMES I THINK I WAS MARRIED TOO LONG ......

DID THE ATTRACTION EXPIRE & DIE ?
OR IS SHE PLAYING ME JUST TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE
FOR ENTERTAINIMENT , FOOD & DRINKS ???

HOWEVER IF I GRAB HER ASS ....SHE GIVES A POKER FACE AND SAY .... THAT'S ALL MEN THINK OF !!!

BE PATIENT OR DROP THIS CORPSE ........

Anonymous's picture

Hi guys,

this article is already old, but it is fundamental for any seducer! A comment from me to attraction expiration in online dating. It is also one of reasons why online dating does not work.

There were lots of women that I have been on the first date with. There was enough attraction, however we could not have sex. By the way, online first date are often set up so as to "prevent" sex because - you are strangers and what if this or that etc blah blah... The problem is that you want to meet again, but the life intervenes. Because first you have too much work, than she has too much work, then she is sick, than you go on a business trip... If you cannot set up the 2nd date in 2-3 weeks, attraction is gone.

Another case when attraction expires is that you never ever meet because you are not able to set up even the first date.

There also comes a mix of attraction expiration with auto-rejection. It happens that a woman cancels one date term. She proposes another one, but you cancel. There is yet another one term, but she has to cancel again. At that point, she feels so bad about it and auto-rejects you because you have just too bad luck to meet.

The painful thing is that you have usually no control about this stuff, it just happens due to life circumstances. And yet more painful, once a woman's attraction expires, it never comes again. So imagine, you meet the same woman on an online dating site one year later. What happens? She rejects you automatically, even if, actually, she never met you in person.

Tom

Anonymous's picture

I'm always getting girls ask me out of make super hints, because I don't show interest and play it cool. The problem is I always lose them as I'm unsure due to my situation in life I can't go into. But I'm wanting a girl who only wants sex after marriage because I am someone traditional and don't want girls who sleep around with people because I'm not like this. I disagree with your approach of sleeping with girls on the first date. You ought only sleep with people you love after marriage because that's the proper place for it.
It's because of people like you sleeping with girls on first dates and acting immorally, that girls have all become sluts and good guys can't date them or want them to marry. The good girls out there which you won't date, actually appreciate a good guy who waits, so you've got it all wrong as it depends on the person. Your guide is for shallow promiscuous people with no love or ideas of morality.
But I have a problem in taking out the women who come up to me, because I take too long to dats them because I'm unsure and think they'll probably think like you and be sluts. If I took a chance and then lost them for wanting to court without sex, then I'd lose them and be heart broken. So I don't try. If I don't try, I don't get hurt. And who knows if a girl thinks like me, so it's all a risky disappointing journey. Best be celibate or date religious girls.
But your website is interesting but promotes sexual immorality, which I don't respect.

Anonymous's picture

What do I do when I've been talking to a girl for 3 weeks now and she was super into me and clingy at first but I got drunk and said some stupid things about I weak ago that I know through her off and made her second guess her feelings for me and now she is saying she thinks things are moving too fast and that she likes me but can't do it right now? I called her and talked and she said never mind forget what I said and that she just wanted to slow things down. I'm sooo confused lol

Cobra's picture

I can agree completely. I have seen many women that I waited too long with that I ended up blowing it. Most of my women were the ones that I moved quickly with ended up loving the fact that I was a man, decisive and deliberate who knew when and how to move. It was when I didnt make moves or just waited to "see if her interest is for real" or just a fluke that I blew with completely. Also, another thing that was a huge obstacle was drinking too much and forgetting my game altogether. when I made myself clear did I experience the most action and consistent lays afterwards.

Matthias's picture

Hey Chase, been reading your awesome website for a while.

My question is: Does attraction really expire completely?

There's a girl at university who seems to have had a huge crush on me. She came from my extended social circle, we didn't have much contact before. Some time ago, she introduced herself to me via mutual friends and finally approached me to ask me out on a date. Yes, SHE asked me out.

At first, I wasn't really interested as I had never really liked her, but decided to give it a try. It was only at the end of the date that I started to feel attracted to her, when it was too late and I had already pissed her off.

Hence, the date was an epic fail, the worst I ever had in my life. I a boring idiot, acted unfriendly and of course didn't make any moves on her, despite her being into me. Sure I didn't hear from her again, despite me trying to reach out for her and being much more interested now.

After a month or so, I had to work on a class project with her. After a couple of hours of us two being alone in a room, it was totally on, again. We went out together the same evening and this time it was much better. This happened not so long ago, we're still dating and I hope to make her my girlfriend soon.

So, is this an incredibly rare exception? Or is it, because attraction is different in social circles? Maybe strong attraction doesn't expire entirely, but only cools down?

Would love to hear your opinion.

Alcatraz's picture

Chase sir i understood the article pretty well and agree with it but how do you talk less about yourself and exude coolness and get women talking about themselves more i need help on this step maybe with an example or something thanks in advance.

Alcatraz

Niji's picture

Definitely finding great tidbits for self improvement in your articles. But man that other 0.03% is AMAZING isn't it? Though a good 80%+ of the time I am not into her (or him, it, other, etc) just from the scent thing I mentioned before, sometimes it makes for a great nerdy FWB tho. I am definitely of the mind i would NEVER settle down with someone that I had to approach, as it goes against every dynamic upturning, trend bucking, unconventional instinc I have. And I am one of those people that WANTS to be the one approached where the right of rejection is in my court (or even rejecting them,they continue to relentlessly pursue and finally win me over /reverse fairytale romance warrior female that TAKES what she wants, but must best me in a tough and grueling battle/war), so i fully get where women are coming from in being approached and so glad to encounter the ones who don't buy into that fucking bullshit social way of thinking (indeed this would never happen is way in the wild so consistently it would be closer to 50:50 or 60:40 with the females worth creating healthhy, strong af offspring with). But it is, and it really is, extremely selfish and weak yet also the strongest (being he one approached is the strongest position of power to be in as all the power of reaction is wih you, antagonists act protagonists react, etc) position.

Tough quandry to resolve, since it's resplution comes about from without, entirely out of one's own control or even influence, or from giving up on things one feels to be the most important/meaningful.

Damnnn that 0.03% though. The best.

jas126's picture

So I've been sorta talking to a girl at work when I can. She started maybe 4 weeks ago or so but I said very little to her besides some eye contact here and there. She one day waved to me smiling coming in and said "bye" very quickly when she was leaving speeding off. This happened in the same day, roughly around the 2nd week. It should be noted, at this point, I had not even told her my name yet. The next time I saw her that next week, I told her my name and had very brief short conversations inbetween working. The next day I asked if she wanted to hangout somewhere that weekend and she responded "Which day?" and replied with corresponding dates. She said she was working those days, then after a brief pause told me the other place she worked at. However, I forgot to get her number then. So this brings me to this week, where I only managed to talk to her a very few times but not enough time to ask for her number. She seems to give me a lot of eye contact and always looks at me when she comes by where I am, as well as always asks me questions first and asks me when I get off work every single day. So my question is, did I wait too long to get her number (due to the busy nature of work) and should I still attempt if she even has interest? I'm quitting this place next week for another job, so I could try going in to her other work. Do you think that would be a better option to go about it that way? My goal is to simply sleep with her as fast as possible, but work just gets in the way.

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