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Wounded Man, Nurturing Woman

Chase Amante

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21

nurturing girlfriend
Guys often want a woman who will nurture them. How does a man come to desire this – and is it really the healthiest relationship setup?

There is this dream many men have. In it, a man opens up and tell all his pains, fears, and weaknesses to a woman. In turn, the woman takes it all in, consoles the man, nurtures him, and loves him even more for his sensitivity and innocence.

Often men with this dream try to pull this off with this girl or that. Yet, they are disappointed. The girls they try it with do not respond with the warmth and acceptance they wish for. Instead, the girls they open up to are critical, rather than nurturing. These women often lose respect for them, rather than gain it.

Sometimes this reaction will cause a man to adapt: women are for companionship, homemaking, and sex; they are not for emotional support. Other times, it can cause a man to become bitter: there are no good women out there. No woman will accept me and love me for who I truly am.

Today’s article is about this idea of a nurturing woman you can tell anything you want to to, who will love you regardless how much weakness and vulnerability you share with her, and who will never leave you, no matter what. Are there women out there like this? And is there any role you must play in this – other than to simply offload your emotions to her, and have this girl carry your burdens for you, and bandage your wounds?

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his One Date System.

GET CHASE’S ONE DATE SYSTEM

Comments

A-jay's picture

I tried to screenshot a part of the article, but I could not. Are screenshots not possible on GC anymore? Ajay

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Ajay-

You should still be able to take screenshots. We haven't added anything to the site that blocks these... at least not so far as I'm aware. I take screenshots all the time myself to send to our developers. Maybe it's an app/browser-specific issue?

Chase

A-jay's picture

FYI: turns out when you're browsing incognito mode with the Samsung Internet app, it doesn't allow screenshots at all due to "security reasons". Nothing personal against GC, it seems :) Ajay

CHAZ 's picture

Chase,

How much money have you made in life woman respect a provider. A real man does want he wants, in fact many successful men marry mothering woman. Their are girls for sex and ones who make a good home.

SZ's picture

I never was a fan of women seeing you weak. I would have women want me to show weakness to them. When I was a teenager I told a girl I was fucking for a while about something personal, it wasn't sadly emotional, but it was deep. When we got in an argument she brought it up to try to bring me down, But She Got mad When I Through Her Personal Information In Her Face.

After that, I never would tell a woman about anything deep, I don't need to, nor do I need it to be used against me, women want me to tho. I've also told women problems I'm dealing with, but they don't seem to care, but they sure do want me to pay attention to them. So I just stopped showing all signs of weakness and keep things to myself.

I honestly feel no one gives a fuck about you, real talk.

My other thoughts on why men try to make women feel sorry for them is for pussy. I too had thoughts a girls maternal instinct will open for me if I showed her weakness or confessed I liked her, I was too strong for that and never did it, but I think that would be a reason why a guy would tell a girl that he's pursuing emotional stuff, he hopes he gets laid for it, like when a girl gets emotional with you, you would think that you must be special to her and she likes you enough to share this with you.

But what I have noticed is that all of the questions I keep asking over and over again, are a form of therapy to me without me realizing it. I don't want you to tell me it's OK and shit like that, but I have my bad thoughts and emotions and I feel better writing it to you because I know you'll have a way for me to handle my situations, I feel better writing it down and having someone help me find a way instead of feeling like it's too late or hopeless, plus you know so much stuff I never even think about. I know I write the same questions I guess I just forget that I keep asking them, and end up worrying about something else then I ask about that, then I worry about the other thing again. I truly appreciate your patience with me and all of your advice, thank you.

I had some questions I wanted to ask as well:

1. How does bullying stop a man's ambition ? How could that man become ambitious and not have to tell anyone about his problems ? How could that man who wasn't ambitious become it?

2. Please explain the praying part to me. What happens if you keep praying for stuff and you never get them answered ? Doesn't that make a person get bitter and want to stop? Won't they feel angry they never get luck?

3. Would you want a nurturing women like that as a baby mother ?

4. How is meditation for 10 minutes so strong ? I've done it before and I feel the same. How does it help you out? It never helped me out, it just gave me worser thoughts that I couldn't control.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Yes, women do that. Test you when you show weakness. Often don't care if you have problems. Unless they are the nurturer types who are looking for a wounded man... then it's different.

I honestly feel no one gives a fuck about you, real talk.

People do, and don't. Everyone has problems, and it's human nature to amplify our problems into big deals. It's hard to gauge from the outside how big a deal something really is or not. So people mostly slide into one of two camps:

  1. Over-concerned: any time someone tells you about a problem, you assume it's a HUGE problem and feel really bad and do everything you can to help, often to the point of enabling others or annoying them (your problems, by comparison, you assume probably aren't nearly as bad as theirs)

  2. Under-concerned: any time someone tells you about a problem, you assume they are exaggerating how bad it really is and it isn't actually anything they can't realistically solve on their own (your problems, however, are still very important)

How does bullying stop a man's ambition ? How could that man become ambitious and not have to tell anyone about his problems ? How could that man who wasn't ambitious become it?

Depends on the guy. Some men react to bullying/critcism with defiance: "Screw those people. I WILL do it!" Really we can say everyone, if bullied enough, will eventually crumble. The difference is for some guys the crumbling happens fast, and they never get that defiant "I'll show them!" emotion. For other guys, they can absorb a lot of punishment before they reach that point of surrender/defeat. The way it seems to work is just if you hear something X number of times, you start to believe it. Resistance to bullying seems to be a facet of a man's overall resistance to influence.

Easiest way to become ambitious is to either have a.) some outcome you have a burning, motivating drive to achieve, and/or b.) a worthwhile skill you've developed to a base level of competence. I talked about the latter in my recent article on becoming passionate. Once you have a certain level of capability, it almost becomes hard not to be ambitious; you reach a point where it is "Hey. I KNOW I can do all these things, because I already have the skill to. And I can probably do all these other things if I spend X more time developing this skill. Oh man, this is cool. Which of these many branching options would I like to choose?"

As you become increasingly ambitious, you also realize most people are not ambitious, and you have the experience of repeatedly telling people things you'd like to do, those people telling you those things are impossible or that you couldn't do them, and then you doing them anyway. And then those people rarely care (sometimes they do. I have occasionally had people who doubted me later say "Wow, you actually did it!" and then tell me my succeeding at something I told them I would succeed at that they thought there was no way I would succeed at changed how they saw me. But more often I've found people just don't really care - especially people you aren't particularly close to). So eventually you switch into "I don't particularly care to discuss my ambitions with most people. And I especially do not want to discuss my ambitions beyond a certain point, or with people who are not already on the same road toward similar ambitions, because it will be too far outside their realities."

You realize that most people live in fairly constrained worlds, where many things just seem more or less impossible to them. Either these things are things that other people do - but not them, and not anyone they know; not anyone who is 'real' to them - or they are things that are completely impossible and no one can do them - anyone who claims to is a liar, a charlatan, or a fraud.

Please explain the praying part to me. What happens if you keep praying for stuff and you never get them answered ? Doesn't that make a person get bitter and want to stop? Won't they feel angry they never get luck?

A better handle on the purpose of prayer helps.

If every day you pray "I really want a Ferrari. God, please give me a Ferrari", and then you lift the curtain and look outside and nope, no Ferrari there, then sure, it's going to feel like man, oh man, this thing doesn't even work.

If on the other hand you pray "I really want a Ferrari, but do not have a Ferrari. Please help me to understand what lesson I am supposed to learn from this, and what I ought to do next", you will have a far different experience with prayer.

The one is using prayer for manifestation. Which it can sometimes help with, if you believe the law of attraction. I've known a lot of people who've manifested some pretty impressive stuff, and I've done it too. But that is more the power of belief than simple prayer. Prayer is more useful for asking for guidance than it is for asking for stuff.

Just think of prayer as "I'm going to ask for guidance and clarity" rather than "I'm going to ask for stuff" and prayer starts working. Ties back to what all religions say life is about: not accumulating 'stuff', but rather mental, moral, and spiritual development. Start using prayer to ask for help in that department, and it becomes a productive exercise. As a bonus, as you progress along that path, it gets a lot easier to fall into all the other things you want as well.

Would you want a nurturing women like that as a baby mother ?

Not me, but just because I want empire-building children and children inherit the personalities of their parents. Children seem to inherit the dominant personality traits of one parent or another, so if you have two kids with a nurturing woman, you might get one or two kids who have your personality, and they get a nurturing mother, which is nice. Or maybe you get two nurturing children, who aren't going to build empires. You'd still love them, but for me, in choosing a woman to produce offspring with, I'm choosing a woman who gives me the best odds of producing children with the qualities I want in them.

How is meditation for 10 minutes so strong ? I've done it before and I feel the same. How does it help you out? It never helped me out, it just gave me worser thoughts that I couldn't control.

I talked to a friend recently who said he's encountered reports of people having negative outcomes from meditation. My friend just attended a Vipassana retreat, and said by Day 6 people were burnt out, breaking down, crying, leaving to fly home, etc. He said he's heard some people turn depressive or get suicidal after they take up meditation. With meditation, you're opening up the hood on your inner mind, and if you have a lot of demons down there, they're going to come pouring out. The general recommendation is not to meditate when you feel very depressed or feel like you want to hurt yourself.

That said, if you're mildly depressed, meditation can be great for clearing concerns. You may find as you do it and start focusing on these things you're stressed out or anxious about you feel even worse for a while, as you bring these things to the surface. But as you focus on letting them go, they evaporate, and then are just gone. For me I find this takes longer than 10 minutes sometimes; sometimes it's 20-45 minutes.

Meditation is also sort of like working out, in that if you don't use good form, you can hurt yourself. The point of meditation is to let your thoughts go or work your way through them. If the mind gets sidetracked and slips into rumination, that is not proper meditation - but a lot of people don't know that or haven't studied it/practiced it enough.

I recommend In the Buddha's Words if you want a great, practical guide to meditation. It's the best translation of Pali Canon, which is in many ways a technical manual by Buddha on how to use/practice meditation. Anything else you get from anyone else is derivative of this; the source is still the best text out there on how to do this properly.

Chase

SZ's picture

1. When you write Chase, what are you exactly writing down to get rid of stress? Do you write this on paper? Computer ? Do you throw it out or delete it after you're done? How long do you do it for ?

2. People were discussing psychologist laughing behind your back about your problems after you leave or when they are with other people I guess.

What are your thoughts on that ?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

SZ-

An analysis of the problem. Stress is always caused by a.) not fully understanding why something is happening, and/or b.) no idea about how to get out of the situation (or at least have contingencies in place).

So for me, if I am stressed, I will either a.) write down my thoughts on why something is happening / what the other people are thinking / where they are coming from to make them behave this way, then b.) what I can do to resolve this stressful situation, OR something to put it in perspective (like: "All right, there's not much I can do right now. But the worst it can get is X, and the problem is totally resolved by Y date. So it's not really that bad, and it will be over in 5 months. I can handle it"). Once it's written out, it is out of your head, and if you did well with your analysis / problem solving, you have a lot more clarity on the issue, possibly something productive to tackle now to resolve the issue, and in any event significantly LESS stress.

Re: #2, sounds like low level people. I'd just ignore. See "extinction" from the article on operant conditioning. Or just give them the bored look, then move on.

Chase

unknown's picture

Thank you for writing this article chase. Isn't opening up about your wounds, part of being very intimate with someone? And a lot of people have problems with being intimate and real. What about spiritual women, who are into tantric, karezza type sex? I really don't think that it's that black and white, and there are more categories.

In my opinion, it is possible to get the full package, and it is certainly possible to be in a non-co-dependent with a woman who can be norturing.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Unknown-

Isn't opening up about your wounds, part of being very intimate with someone?

Yes, absolutely - the more of "you" you reveal to another person, the greater the intimacy in the relationship.

I'm differentiating here between "here's an interesting story of my past" and "here is something I'm still smarting over and that I need you to be sensitive about, accepting of, and warm towards." The former is normal bonding/intimacy, the latter is seeking healing from another person.

There's nothing wrong with needing/seeking healing. However, you do want to get to the place where you ARE healed - those old wounds aren't wounds anymore, so much as they are maybe (at worst) scars, or even totally healed over with no scar tissue. Just places where wounds used to be but no longer are. Then you get intimacy without the same kind of dependence on the other person to heal and approve of you.

Not every person is going to be emotionally supportive, including many potential partners. Not because they don't care about you, but just because they are not inclined to be the supportive/nursing/healing type. On the flip side, you may / quite possibly will find that the supportive partners who help you to heal from your wounds stop being interesting to you once you're healed. And vice versa. A partner who is good for healing is not necessarily good for staying with once you're all patched up. One reason why in my opinion healing relationships work best as rebound relationships (assuming the damage isn't too catastrophic; people with deep psychological wounds can require a lifetime of "partner therapy", which is where the real heavy duty dependent-codependent relationships come in).

Chase

bboy100's picture

Hey Chase,
I actually have the opposite problem of what is addressed in this article. I tend to be very drawn to women who are emotionally damaged in one way or another. Usually, because I feel like I'm looking at a younger version of myself, or I just feel as though I've been through what they're going through. And I feel like I can help them.

In recent history, I can think of an example of this one girl I went out with who basically spent the entire date telling me about how she hates her life, no one cares for her, she wants to commit suicide etc. Instead of being frightened by all this like most people, I actually really wanted to be there for her. To be "the guy who was different from everyone else" so to speak. Obviously, I refrained from doing this. I did not see her again. Point being that I was very drawn to her.

This is important because if a women's problems are more subtle, I tend to rationalize them away in favor of this attraction. Case in point, my last three relationships all broke up because the women had some sort of emotional issue which affected the relationship that we were unable to address. And the signs were totally there from the start. But I always managed to intellectualize why "it doesn't matter" or "it's not like that".

This is an especially difficult issue for me to deal with because I'm extremely good at intellectualizing in this way. So good, that even when I'm vigilantly watching to catch myself in the act, I still manage to fool myself fairly often.

Have you ran into this problem in your own life or with other men? If so, have you found any solutions?

Thanks Big Baws,
Bboy

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Bboy-

It's never been an issue for me with women. As soon as a woman starts to reveal herself to me as 'damaged' in any way I experience emotional aversion. Combination of the danger she presents (physically, legally, property-wise, etc.) + not wanting to get drawn into a vampiric relationship. However, I have known men who dated one damaged girl after another. And I for a long time prioritized trying to help damaged men I thought needed my help rather than guys who were on the path toward being winners.

With the guys I've known who've done it, it seems like they really need to get burned enough to get it into their heads that "these relationships really suck." Some of them get the message and quit dating broken girls. Some logically get the message but continue to date/marry/impregnate broken girls regardless.

You could try visualization to overcome this. I've used it at times to deprogram myself from wanting women I did not think were good for me. Just repeatedly visualize some thing you knew the girl had done that you do not like, until that image is tied to her in your head and you can't think of her without thinking of that. Haven't tried it in this specific scenario (wounded woman), but I suspect it'd work.

I can say with the 'helping the losers over the winners' problem, once I had a mentor point out to me that I was doing it, I examined it logically and said "Gee, this is dumb. I mean, I'd still like to give some tips to losers, because sometimes losers become winners and in any event I really do believe in the potential of ALL people. But at the same time I don't want to squander all my energy on folks who will never listen to or implement anything I tell them, and I can do a lot more good by focusing on people who will take whatever I give them and run with it." So then I just kept it in mind and worked to shift myself over to showing more favoritism and support for winners (a 'winner' to me just being anyone who actually takes what you give him to work on and does it), while scaling back attention toward folks who were 'in one ear and out the other' types. At least in my case, it's worked; I am genuinely more interested in helping folks I know will be able to use my help these days than the tragic case guys who always have problems but never do anything with what I give to them (I still try to help those guys too; I just don't dump the same volumes of unending effort into it with them I used to).

So, at least in my case, I'd suggest perhaps some combination of visualization + some combination of just noting to yourself how silly it is and telling yourself to move beyond it. Perhaps internalizing how futile trying to help a broken woman is might help - if you realize helping/supporting some depressed, broken woman is like taking all your good intentions and throwing it into a well 100 feet deep and just doing that every day and getting nothing for it and making zero impact on her, it may get you to realize it's just a big waste of time for both of you and not a relationship she needs.

One other realization has been helpful to me: that people are totally unhelp-able until they decide they actually want help. And that what most people want, most of the time, is not help, but someone to vent to, who will listen to their problems, comfort them, then let them get back to their problems. If you don't want to be that comforting shoulder and willing ear, realizing that this is how most broken people will use you can be the beginning of the end of those relationships for you.

Chase

Sam2's picture

Chase, this was just great!

Very quick: why do I see your correlation in reverse? Friends of mine who seek nurturing women have invariably good relations with their mother more than normal in “mama’s boy” style, are bad with women, express nice-guy attitudes, are very logical and boring with women and do not cold approach at all. As a result their lay numbers are below 10 - and we are talking about 35-year old men!

On the contrary: I have confrontational relations with my mother, I don’t like to be pampered, I cold approach and bed women systematically when I put enough effort and I am seeking sexual variety with the women I really like and not emotional support. I also have very high lay numbers compared to my mama’s friends - thanks of course to you and your great material.

What gives?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Sam-

Yeah, interesting experiences.

The first thing I think I'd look at with your mama's boy friends is that the guys with good relationships with their mothers don't (I presume) need emotionally supportive partners to bear all their wounds too. They just like settled relationships with comfortable women, because they're used to it and like it and want more of what they grew up with.

Your experience of confrontations with your mother is also different from what I've seen with most wounded guys. The wounded guys I've seen have wanted their mother to support them, but she wasn't there. There's some hot-off-the-presses research (on rats, but their brains work similarly to humans') that finds when an infant is separated from its mother for even 24 hours, there are permanent, significant changes to various areas of the brain. The "want mother but she's not around/supportive" issue is, at least from what I've seen anecdotally, what causes men to have this wounded "in search of a surrogate mother" issue.

Yours on the other hand just sounds like you're hot tempered and strongly opinionated, two qualities that tend to lend themselves well to cold approach pickup and high notch counts, and not so much to longing to be understood, accepted, and healed ;)

Chase

Dale's picture

When I sought nurturing from a woman, it was for proof of desirability, instead of just processing old hurts (although I married the one who did let me process them.) I read your material to understand myself and my life.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Dale-

That's a good observation.

I went through that as well with early girlfriends. Wasn't sure of my desirability, so a certain amount of nurturing was desirable to help me feel more cared for / needed.

I'd still class that as "wounded", at least by my definition of "damaged/missing/lacking in someway", in this case with an incomplete sense of romantic self-worth. But you could argue that for being a separate, alternate route to desiring a nurturing partner.

Chase

SZ's picture

Hey Chase,

So I found a old article of yours and it was saying something about productivity declining rapidly after 30.

So I read the article that talks about that

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S009265660200538X

And to me it seems that what does this mostly is marriage and kids.

So if I avoid marriage and kids will I be ok with productivity? I have soo much I want to accomplish.

How can I tell women why I Don't have these things as I get older? Is it OK to tell them I have a lot to accomplish or should I say something else?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

SZ-

Hard to speculate on that. You'd need a graph of the lifetime productivity of both married and unmarried men.

Long-term relationships cause men's testosterone to drop in all cases except where the man continues to look for sex outside the relationship with other women (in which case his testosterone remains high). Children also cause men's testosterone to drop, especially when there is co-sleeping (kids sleeping in the same bed). These things aren't necessarily good or bad - lower testosterone leads to stabler romantic relationships and better parenting. But also probably less productivity (and less banging random babes, of course).

Then there's research on dominance levels vs. testosterone levels. If you castrate male mice, the non-dominant males lose all sex drive and cease mating completely, with no testosterone in their blood. However, the dominant males continue to mate with females, albeit at about half the rate they mated at prior to castration. The conclusion there is that testosterone is important, but once you are a dominant male you can suffer some T-loss without too dramatic effects on output. On the other hand, if you are a non-dominant male, losing testosterone can be catastrophic.

There's a lot you can do to keep T-levels up. You don't have to foreswear marriage/children. I mean if you want to you can. If I decided to be a lifelong bachelor and women were asking me why I was 50 years old and unmarried/childless, I think my answer would be "I adore women, and kids are cool. But the whole marriage thing and making babies thing... I have a different calling."

Chase

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