Never Count on a Woman to Change (& Never Think You'll Change Her) | Girls Chase

Never Count on a Woman to Change (& Never Think You'll Change Her)

Chase Amante

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change a womanI talked to a friend recently and told him about a woman I'd dated with a short fuse.

She was in all other respects perfect.

Physically very beautiful. Very smart and highly educated.

Good career. A happy, positive, can-do person, with a charming personality.

More self-improvement-orientated than almost any woman I've met.

However, she had a very short fuse, and various things would set her off.

Once you set her off, she'd fly off into a (self-)righteous rage.

Her rage would last anywhere from 30 minutes to a few hours, then she would calm back down. A little while later she'd be happy again.

This short fuse of hers was inherited. Her father had it. Her elder sister and younger sisters had it. Others in her family did not have it, but those four did. At a family gathering I attended with them, all four set each other off and flew into rages against one another.

The sisters often tried to avoid talking with each other and their parents, solely because of their tendencies to set each other off like that. Everything else about their relationships were fine, but the anger they all boiled over into did not well mix.

I did everything I could, within reason, over the time I dated this girl to cure her of this fuse.

I thought for a while that with proper operant conditioning, I'd break her of her temper.

I was wrong, and nothing I did was a permanent fix.

The friend I mentioned this to is an optimistic guy who is good at approaching new women, but has trouble bedding them and hanging onto them. His relationships never work out. He's one of the 'hard case' guys I know and have talked about before on Girls Chase. It's hard to put your finger on it with him, but there are many little things it often seems like he does not really 'get'.

When I talked about some of the details of this relationship with him, he told me "Well, it sounds like you set up a pattern early on where this type of behavior was acceptable."

He added that it "sounds like you were encouraging this" or "maybe you subtlely like this."

He then admitted he'd dated a few dramatic women before, but "I quickly showed them I wouldn't tolerate that and they stopped doing it."

It was a little pop armchair psychology that on the surface sounds really good. Somebody does something you don't like? Just make it clear it's unacceptable, and she'll stop for good! Don't be weak or invite it back in, and you'll never have to deal with it again!

But, as I told him, people are a lot richer and more complex than this... and you simply wanting a behavior to change, and putting a few behavior modification procedures in place to try to change it, does not ensure you'll get the change you want.

Especially not long-term.

Far from it.

Rather, while you should do what you can to get your woman to change any undesirable behavior she has, you should never count on a woman to change... and you should never think you'll change her.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his One Date System.



Housecard's picture

That’s exactly what folks say “you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear” in relationships. That really goes for lots of other sorts of relationships; e.g. friends, hires, business partners, etc.

These are the situations where we can walk away. That’s a nice-to-have condition. As Trump puts it, “ always not be afraid to walk away”. However, I wonder Chase, what if the other party we want to have changes happening are not the ones we can just avoid in life. For instance, children, maybe parents, and even ourselves. It pops to my mind, because it strikes me that my family is exactly as how you describe your ex’s in the temper department. My paternal grandfather was very hot tempered. My father I felt has got calmer over the years as his career gets better, but still gets angry when others fail to meet his expectation (employees and in my eyes, me). In the past year or so I found out that I am pretty easy to get upset and angry, too, even though it is more internally and not “behaviorally”, as I am in general on the avoidant side when it comes to relationships. I admire that you have dealt with depression successfully yourself. What are your strategies and tactics over the years to improve the deal breakers of somewhat innate traits of yourself? What if it’s your child who by chance happen to have that very undesirable trait? For me the things I am trying to change are addiction, fantasy and depression, and I wonder what if one day my children have them, too. You are what I perceive very practical and very hands-on when it comes to changing yourself and self-improvement. What would you advise for people who are on the other side of the spectrum (i.e. idealistic, head-in-the-clouds, spending lots of time fantasizing, or even obstinate, as you call it, “hard cases”)?

Lawliet's picture

Hey Chase,

A question for you. Repeated encounter as in a situation where you will see them again (but not every day, so not employees or a social circle). Maybe at work you see customers who repeatedly come, but not always, or at a temporary project that you meet a group of people until the project ends.

In a situation where the encounter is repeated but not permanent (forming a quasi-social circle situation), and many girls show signs of interest and we already are chatting with a girl.

How do we continue to connect with our current prospect, but also keeping other options open? Or even better, be able to number swap with all girls who like us, and meet them individually.

I worry that
a) Other girls who see us talking with Girl A will think "Oh, he's unavailable" and "stop" their emotions or go into auto reject
b) Girl A see us flirting with other girls will think "Oh he is just being sociable" and close off from us.
c) We can't break circle when we are talking with Girl A while other girls are sending signals...

Uh oh, time is ticking for other girls sending signals...

Like how I was talking with Girl A, and another girl plants right next to me and just sits there waiting.
I can't switch and break circle with A to engage with Girl B in this situation and then go back to Girl A.
I ended up not getting a chance to exchange names with Girl B... I feel bad that she misses out on the fun.

The dilemma is if we play our cards wrong, we can lose all girls and get no one.

How do we handle similar situations? How do you usually do it?


FredJ's picture

Hi Chase,

Great article. I have a question about this, though: What're your thoughts on women who have depressive disorder and anxiety disorder Those aren't cluster B traits, but I suspect they could be major issues. I dated a girl with both of these and it ultimately led to our break up. She had a major breakdown couldn't juggle her mental health and a relationship. I'd love to hear your opinion on how to deal with this in women.


Zack's picture

Hi Chase,
at work, I used to step out of the company to take a lunch break alone, but then I switched to using our company restaurant. It didn't feel right to sit by yourself and have lunch, and it didn't feel 'normal' to join and sit with some group either since all groups are closed circles (even though I personally know everyone in that group). So, I asked my (female) colleague with whom I share the office to come along with her and two of her (female) friends and go to the restaurant together as a group. After some time (a month or so) girls who normally would smile nervously at me (80% of all girls at least, and even guys who see me as competition), now hate my guts and turn their heads away to 'make a statement' when ever they can. Some of them are just being passive-aggressive (they still look at me, but the look is now full of anger), to even openly threaten me with by directly telling me 'you better start behaving yourself'.
Since any effort, based on what's written in the article above, to explain myself that I only go with my colleague and two of her friends to a lunch break to purely fulfill the objective of being social, I was wandering if there is anything I could do to take some heat out of the situation, or to just wait until the shit storm starts to yield down by itself. Or, was there something that I could have done prior to the situation started to escalate?
Thanks a bunch, guys!

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