If You Don't Want to Date Her, Does It Mean You're Insecure? | Girls Chase

If You Don't Want to Date Her, Does It Mean You're Insecure?

Chase Amante

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don't want to date her
If you’re not willing to date certain girls, does that mean you’re insecure? Well, perhaps… But only if “insecure” doesn’t mean what your accuser means it means.

There’s a common refrain you’ll hear from women. Not just women, but men sometimes too. The refrain goes like this:

You don’t want to date her because you’re insecure.

There are some women this is obviously pure self-serving commentary from. Morbidly obese women, for instance. If a morbidly obese woman tells you you’re insecure if you don’t want to date her, well, you know that’s a tub of baloney (and maybe a tub of lard, too).

This article isn’t about those women. Not the obviously undesirable girls who’d claim your rejection of them stems from insecurity.

Instead, this article is about the fuzzy cases: girls with high notch counts, girls who’ve dated far wealthier or handsomer men than you, girls who’ve dated criminals. Heck, girls who’ve dated men of ‘badder’ races than you are (a white guy if you’re Asian, or a black guy if you’re white, for instance), or girls who used to be guys (transsexuals), or girls who tell you they’ve been rape victims or abuse victims.

Are you, in fact, insecure if you don’t want to date one of these people?

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.



stefxxxyyy's picture

The truth is we are all rational, 100% of the time.
This is a bold statement chase, i know you know about bounded rationality, rationalizations, systematic bias, random error, so i think its a tricky way of trying to communicate some fuzzy idea or perspective... ( great article anyways)!

Chase Amante's picture


Right. What I'm getting at is subjective rationality rather than objective rationality (if there is such a thing). For individuals to be objectively rational, they'd require perfect insight, and no one has that. So you end up with that bounded rationality world where people are 100% rational within the limitations they have to operate within.

Backwards rationalizations I don't count as part of the rational process used to make decisions. Instead, they are a rational strategy toward explaining decisions the decision maker does not fully consciously understand and lacks a succinct way to express. At the time of the decision, an individual makes a perfectly rational choice based on the information he has at his disposal, the sum of all his experiences, the conclusions and worldviews those have led him to, the values and principles he holds dear, and so on. Actions that look irrational to an outside viewer (say, a schizophrenic cutting off somebody's head and sticking it into a refrigerator) are completely rational to the individual at the time of the decision (the voices told him to do it, he was completely convinced those voices were real and could not be denied, and anyway that guy looked at him funny and was doubtless a soulless government robot agent putting together a case to see him imprisoned for life. The schizophrenic's brain is malfunctioning and feeding him false information, but within the context of that [false] information, his actions are rational).

Anyway, I'll write more on this. I'm not sure what I'd call the concept. "Constant rationality"? Maybe there's something out there to this effect already. But I think the concept is important, because it switches people with opposing ideas from, "Those people are insane and irrational, and cannot be dialogued with or understood," to, "Those people have drawn the conclusions they have drawn because they have different life experiences and different psychological influences at work than I have. And if I had their experiences and influences I'd have concluded what they've concluded, and if they had my experiences and influences they'd have concluded what I've concluded. Therefore the problem is not that one of us is crazy and the other sane, but that one of us has one set of experiences, and the other another."


stefxxxyyy's picture

i get you! thanks for your elaborate answer, its a complex topic ( for example i have though: " only a perfectly rational being can have a perfect rational concept of rationality, so if no one is perfectly rational then we dont have a perfect concept of rationality to measure our deviance from it) and things like that!

Kol's picture

Hey Chase,

This is off topic but I noticed Hollywood does not really portray black men as sexy and sensual men but more on the comedic side. This is strange, considering the sexiest men I've met on my path are hands down black guys. They are just more masculine than the average. My take is that black guys have a great potential of being extremely sexy. I saw a few past comments on guys complaining about being black and I really wanted to point that out.
I picked out a lot of their traits and my dominance and masculine edge have definitely improved.


Chase Amante's picture


Yes, good observation.

I could only give you a few guesses, but offhand I'd say:

  • Sexiness is polarizing. Some people respond very well to it; many do not. When you have a sexy racial minority it's even more extreme. My sexy minority friends in America I've noticed get a lot of extreme reactions from women, where some women are crazy about them and other women are disgusted by them. This happens with my sexy white friends too, but it's more polarized with minority men. Hollywood sets out to appeal to as broad an audience as possible, which means it goes for actors with as close to universal appeal as possible. A cool, slick, funny black guy (think: Will Smith) probably has broader appeal to a wide theater audience than a straight-up sexy black guy.

  • Racial in-group preferences probably further limit the appeal of sexy black movie stars. People either want their protagonists to be people they can imagine being themselves, or people they can just kick back and have a blast watching. With sexy characters, these are usually going to be characters male viewers will want to imagine themselves as (think: James Bond). It's a bit of a stretch, because most male viewers aren't sexy, but they can still make that leap. If you have a sexy male protagonist though, now you have a large white male audience trying to imagine they are not bland white guys, but a sexy black guy, and it's just too far a leap for most to make. So many of them will be less drawn to a picture like this than they will, say, a sexy white guy (to imagine themselves as him), or a cool/funny black guy (to sit back and be entertained).

Anyway, I'd boil it down largely to studios catering to a predominantly white audience. I've seen various efforts to target minority audiences over the years in American cinema, and they almost always fail. Probably because minorities usually seem perfectly happy to go see cinema targeted at the majority (white) audience, and don't seem to need / care about cinema directed specifically at them.

I haven't watched any, but I would bet you Nigerian cinema (which I understand is the biggest African-produced cinema) has its fair share of sexy leading men, since it is black cinema catering to a black audience (most of Africa):



Dale's picture

I might call a man insecure for not dating beautiful women, because that was my reason for a decade (and even before that, my reason for believing the beautiful women I did date were 'just friends' and not seducing).

Chase Amante's picture


Yes, that could be a kind of insecurity.

My focus in this article was on what others will say about you / portray you. So even if you don't date beautiful girls because of an insecurity - say, you have beautiful girls who want to date you, but you tell yourself, "No, girls like that are too high maintenance, I don't think I can handle that" - if you tell other people that, most often you'll get the "yeah, that's what he says, but the truth is I don't think he can get girls like that / I think he just can't handle girls like that" capability attack. So even if it's insecurity that drives you, it's incapability you'll typically be painted as having.


Bilal's picture

Chase, you are doing a great job man! I am a longtime reader, but have never commented here.

You mentioned how guys see girls of their own race who date guys of other races/nationalities as lower value. Is that why you think girls tend to look down upon guys of other races/nationalities - especially if they see their race/nationality as being superior to the guy's, for example, American blonde bombshells looking down upon Indian guys. If so, what can you do if you're an Indian guy for example?

Second, since I am Pakistani, the South Korean/Pakistani example hit close to home. While everyone is entitled to their beliefs, whether they can explain them or not, what do you conjecture is the real reason behind a South Korean (or an American guy for that matter) abhorring a girl of his own race/nationality who has dated a Pakistani guy?

I am asking these questions because in the States, I have had more success with foreign girls (Spanish, Turkish, Egyptian for example) than American ones. Perhaps, most girls, save a few exceptions, vastly prefer of their own race, or ones who look like they may be from the same race/country. Would you say this is true?

Thanks, and keep up the good work man!

Chase Amante's picture


That's part of it. Women look for signs of status, prestige, dominance, and genetic quality. Indians at the moment are a lower status and lower prestige race overall than whites, at least in white countries. So there is a negative status/prestige hit there.

The keys to overcoming it are fundamentals and/or conformity. At a certain level of fundamentals, your other attractive qualities dwarf any negative impact race can have (or can invert it - high fundamentals minorities often get an attraction bonus for breaking stereotypes - "Wait, he's Indian but he's super sexy? This guy must have something special going on"). And if you throw a bunch of conformity switches, that can call her initial assessment into question ("Wait. He's Indian. But he acts exactly like all the super cool white guys I know. And he hangs out exclusively with super cool white guys. And is only interested in what super cool white guys are interested in. And only dates the kinds of girls super cool white guys would date. Is he basically an honorary super cool white guy??!?"). At which point you get another bonus - you're exactly like the guys she likes, but also a little different. You are the different flavor it is "safe" for her to taste.

what do you conjecture is the real reason behind a South Korean (or an American guy for that matter) abhorring a girl of his own race/nationality who has dated a Pakistani guy?

Seems to be wife/mother screening to me. e.g., hedonistic men do not care who or what the girls they hook up with has been with. To them, it's all about enjoying the sensation of bodies coming together. But when a man screens for a long-term partner, one of the key things he will usually screen for is conservativeness. In general, dating outside your race is a strong sign of liberalness / adventurousness / open-minded-ness / willingness to shirk conformity. And the less high status/prestige the race/nationality, the more the girl is announcing to the world that she does what she wants, the opinions of others be damned. When a guy says to himself, "I want a girl I can have influence over, who will listen to me and be my good wife," and he sees a sign a girl bucks conformity and tells the world to take its opinions and shove it, he'll often conclude she is not going to listen to him anywhere near as closely as other girls he could date will.

in the States, I have had more success with foreign girls (Spanish, Turkish, Egyptian for example) than American ones.

This is true everywhere. Foreign girls are easier and more open-minded, because they have many fewer reputation concerns (no one back home will no who she hooks up with here). They also tend to be much more adventurous and open-minded than the local women (after all, they picked up and went to an entirely new country... somewhere they know next to no one!), who trend closer to the mean. American girls in Spain are easier than Spanish girls in Spain, and I imagine they're easier in Egypt than Egyptian girls are and easier in Turkey than Turkish girls are. That's just the "girl in search of an adventure" thing in general. You'll have a much easier time meeting adventurous women in expat communities than in communities of locals.


SZ's picture

Well I'm insecure about my age that's for sure!

I hate it too.

I'm replying to your response to college girls thinking dudes are old at such n such age.

I have to agree, but I think it would be a little normal to have older people go to school with you when you're in college.

I even seen many people who were way older than me, but that doesn't matter, I'm trying to sleep with these girls here.

1. You think since I'm going back to college, Chase should I just keep my age to myself, lie, or just be honest when asked?

What should I do when they ask? What would help me or hurt me?

2. Should I even try to sleep with these girls? Go to parties, and have the college life I never had?

I really want to do this so bad, but I'm super insecure about my age, please say yes.

3. Would people actually look at me bad if I hooked up with the girls at college or approached? I never thought of it. I do not want people to treat me like I'm some pervert or something, I just want beautiful women and to finish school that's all, im still a human being. I mean I look young, but I feel old.


Chase Amante's picture


Not sure. Test it out. Tell girls in some places your age, and in others don't mention it. See if your results differ. But yes, of course you should try to sleep with them. Even if 97% of girls are like, "Ew gross, he's so old!", you'll still get 3% of them who are like, "Wow, he's older, he must be so wise and different and unique... I have to know more about him," and those are the girls you'll end up with. Even in colleges, some girls have an "older guy fetish." There were always a few girls in the school I went to who always dated older men.

I'm sure there are some people in a college environment who will look poorly on an older guy dating and sleeping with younger girls. Especially among the crazy feminist crowd. But if you let these people's opinions dictate your sex life, well... dunno what to tell you. There will ALWAYS be people who disagree with your dating. I have had various people over the years try to pry my girlfriends away from me or tell them they should not be with me. If I cared what these people thought, I'd be single forever. If you care what they think, then so will you be.

I suggest you care more about what the women who want to date you think, than what the people who don't want the women who want to date you to date you think (kind of a tangly sentence, but you know).


Jimbo's picture

"The power of that attack lies in its implication of irrationality."

It's not just that. The "accusation" of insecurity has another unsaid implication: that you're weak. Meaning, if you were strong or powerful enough, you wouldn't have felt threatened by this to begin with. In this sense it's often meant as an attack on one's manhood, i.e. that you're not man enough to withstand a fat/strong/etc woman. Though to that, I would just say, "So what?" Men are attracted to women who are less of a man than they are, and vice-versa for women. That's how heterosexuality works, get over it.

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