How to Not be Needy: Small Scarcity & Big Scarcity

Ambiance-

I’m glad to hear the site’s had such an impact. It is serving as intended, then!

As to my own mission… good question. I’m just going to dash it out here as briefly as possible, so hope you won’t mind me not waxing too poetic and being a bit dry below.

I believe the human race is capable of great, tremendous things. However, I also believe we as people are easily side-tracked, prone to inefficiency and distraction, easily disheartened, and that places and periods in history where humanity makes great leaps and bounds are historically delicate, and few and far between.

So, my concerns are how can we get more out of people in the limited windows we have to work with.

One of the ways we can do that is by making both people and systems more efficient. Girls Chase helps in that mission because men running around losing their heads over this girl or that girl is not a very good use of their energies. If you can train men up to be confident with women, to the point where women have become no big deal to them, not only have you moved this concern off their plates, freeing that mental space up for higher level uses, but you have, by teaching them how to do this, also taught them how to learn, if they didn’t already know. They can use this same learning process for mastering other things as well; and of course the social skills they learn while improving with women allow them to better achieve their higher-level outcomes in other areas of life.

Another way we can do that is by reminding individuals that they are not trapped in mediocrity. Most people move around little, are exposed to little outside their towns and what they consume through the media, and over time their dreams gently dissipate and they slip into ruts. If you can shake people out of those ruts, inspire them, challenge them, and dare them to dream again, you can create the kind of chaotic, energetic environment that fosters the creativity and innovation I think the human race can always use more of.

So… Girls Chase is a vehicle for doing those things for me, in addition to the other value it provides (income, validation, sense of place in the world, contacts/networking, writing practice, practice running a business, etc.). There are perhaps better vehicles for me to achieve these ends in other areas, and I will move to them after Girls Chase, but for now, this is my focus.

I suppose you could boil it down to my purposes being inspiration and optimization, and my mission at the moment is to do that via Girls Chase (various sub-missions within that: optimize the content for easier learning, while making it more inspirational; but also optimize the business and make it a better, stronger business, and a more inspiring tale… lots of little wrinkles within each mission). I have specific end-goals in mind for where I want each mission / sub-mission to end up, which I think is a big part of what makes a mission a mission: that you know where it is you aim to arrive at.

Hope that is helpful in lending clarity to whatever you may / may not want to do!

Chase

Third Orbit-

That bittersweet taste usually fades with time… you will see a lot of men active in the Manosphere who are struggling with the more bitter side of things, but typically that’s something they sort through within 2 to 5 years or so.

The ones who remain bitter are the ones who never figure out how to get what they want… but if you’re here, or if you’re actively taking steps to do better with women (improve your fundamentals, improve your approach), that likely won’t be you.

Online dating sites like OkCupid are heavily looks-based, because they’re such low-context mediums. She can’t hear your voice, see your facial expressions, monitor your body language, or assess your confidence when you walk up to her, so all that other stuff that goes into determining how attractive you are to her or not in person goes out the window. And it comes down to great-pictures-or-bust.

If you haven’t checked this article out, I recommend it (pictures section is every bit as valid for OkC as PoF):

How to Meet Tons of Girls on Plenty of Fish

Also worth bearing in mind that because everyone spam approaches on online dating, the 80/20 rule comes into play in a big way. The 20% of men with the best pictures on an online dating site are skimming 80% of the dates off that site. Maybe even more extreme than that. An OkC Adonis can message 30 girls and have 15 of them send him their phone numbers… whereas odds are in real life he wouldn’t have anywhere near those stats (and likewise, the guys who are the losers on online dating don’t bat anywhere near as poorly in real life – you could be 0 for 1,000 on there with the wrong pictures, yet it only takes you perhaps 10 to 20 conversations with different women in real life to land a date).

Plus, the women online tend to be outgoing, sexually open-minded women who are fielding lots of offers from lots of men, and taking up quite a few of those men on them… it’s a smorgasbord for women. The women who can’t handle the deluge get off the site quick; if you want to meet those girls, you have to concentrate solely on recently joined members… but even then, recently joined members are the most inundated women, because every other guy is targeting them too. You typically have to lower your standards a standard deviation or two with online compared to what you’ll get in person, unless you really do have spectacular, professionally-done pictures.

With infidelity risks, one caveat, I suppose: if you’re an older guy, and assuming you are going for women not too much younger than you, well… I don’t know how old you are, but you said you’re on your last legs; once you reach a certain age, the men start dropping out of the competition like flies, and women’s sex drives go way down after menopause. I haven’t seen the research on it, but I’d suspect the risk of infidelity drops a fair bit after that point – the woman simply isn’t getting as much attention or as many offers, and her drive isn’t as high anymore either. Of course, if you meet them online, those are likely to be the outliers; if you want a more serious (or lower risk) girlfriend, you’re probably better off browsing through a site like eHarmony, Chemistry, or a religious site like Catholic Match.

As for #2… you know, I’m not sure LTR is totally avoidable for most men. Marriage is avoidable, particularly if you have a girl who’s blasé about it herself (many are these days). Although there are (reasonably) safe ways to do marriage as well, and it’s still arguably the better environment to raise children in if you want to have them.

LTRs though, even my friends who profess to want to stay lifelong bachelors at some point get the itch to take a girlfriend and have a relationship, even if only for a six month or one year stint. Just seems to be too basic of a human need, unless a guy’s a complete recluse like a Newton or a Tesla (and Tesla went mad).

I’ve explored other arrangements, like multiple long-term relationships where the girls know each other and like each other – essentially a multiple wives setup, without legal acknowledgment since, well, bigamy laws and all that; however, the conclusion I’ve come to is unaccepted relationship structures simply don’t work long-term, unless you’re going to date some über-hippie kind of gal who’s disconnected from society and distrusts The Man (and that’s not really my type).

You can make unconventional setups work while she’s with you, provided your frame is that “iron frame”, but as soon as she’s not with you and back out in society again, everything she consumes says “Here’s what you should have” and everyone she talks to says “He’s no good for you” or “He’s not treating you right” or “You deserve better”. At first she’ll defend you, and point out she’s much happier with you than all these women are with their miserable partners, but once enough people say it enough times, and put enough pressure on her to conform, her resolve will buckle, she’ll begin to feel humiliated and ostracized, and the relationship crumbles. People within societies work against relationship setups they do not permit like white blood cells converging on an infection: they just want to eliminate it.

The only tenable options seem to be working within the bounds of whatever society you’re in permits. The less comfortable the society is with the setup, the more heat women you are with will catch for “tolerating” it. If you want a setup not permitted in your society, the only options seem to be isolating yourself and cutting off outsiders (like what the fundamentalist Mormons do), or relocating to a society where what you want is “normal” and what your old society pushed is the “abnormal” setup. e.g., Africa and the Middle East are generally fine with multiple wives, provided you can afford this, and East Asia is generally fine with men having mistresses, provided it goes undiscussed and the man has the resources to afford it.

Although, back to mission – the thing with mission is, it’s got to be something other than the woman. That’s the only way to truly retain that iron frame that women so adore; every woman wants to be with a man who serves something greater than himself. But so many men do not. Or they are afraid to. There is a certain letting go of the self involved in giving oneself over to a higher cause. I think that frightens most men… particularly in an age of hedonism, nihilism, and non-belief. Today is an Age of the Self; but the problem with serving the self is the needs and desires of the self are bound to whimsy, and women are very good at playing with whimsy.

Chase

Sam-

To a certain extent, if you want it, and don’t have / aren’t accustomed to getting it, you don’t get over it until you’ve gotten used to getting it.

Basically, if you want to date beautiful girls, you’re going to feel needy around beautiful girls at first. Visualizing can help take some of the edge off, and training yourself to only look at a girl’s face can help a lot (I demonstrated that in this article). If the neediness is really bad and preventing you from having any success with them, you might be best served befriending some beautiful women first.

As you get to know them, grow comfortable around them, and begin to realize they’re really just ordinary people who get flustered at exam time and eat too much and have gas and fall for some guy who doesn’t return their affections and feel sad or rejected… they stop being so exceptional, and become much more relatable. And as soon as they’re relatable, they become a lot easier to get.

And the easier they are to get, the less needy you become.

Chase

SA-

Thank you for this – it is wonderful to hear!

Chase

Lawliet-

Beauty’s relative, but women will also respond to your approach and fundamentals.

For example, when I was starting out, most of the women I considered stunners were cool to me. Cute girls would be warmer. Fat/ugly girls would be extremely rude or cold. However, as I improved my fundamentals, women I considered stunners became much warmer to me, frequently becoming my warmest reception. And as I improved my own interpersonal warmth and charm, fat and ugly girls grew personable with me.

As you improve in these departments, your results will improve as well.

Re: talking speed, yes, speaking faster during sales pitches is more effective. However, I do not advise you to use this during seduction. I’ve seen quite consistently some of the worst results-getters tend to be men who speak really fast with women. I’ve yet to meet a guy who spoke rapidly with women and did well. He might be out there, but I’ve not met him. Just seems to mark you as unconfident during a courtship. I’m not sure why it would be different between a sales pitch and a seduction, but it does seem to be.

Chase