Is There Something About Girls You Just Don’t Get?

Anon-

Any time you miss escalation windows, you'll usually send women into auto-rejection, yeah.

Not so much to do with knowing women or not here, really... more to do with how experienced you are approaching, how good you are at reading windows you get, and how readily you move to hit them.

The better you get with meeting all kinds of girls in all kinds of situations, the less you drop balls with women who liked you... although it never stops happening completely. No one's perfect ;)

Chase

Jason-

Hmm. I'm not 100% clear on what you want... maybe you aren't either?

On the one hand, you're mentioning fearing a relationship, but possibly wanting one... on the other, you'd prefer to change girlfriends monthly.

You could do friends with benefits or multiple girlfriends, but you'd have to axe them each month if you really wanted to stick to the "no more than a month per relationship" rule.

The cheating fear sounds like it's more irrational fear from either one or two bad experiences you've had, or reading too much pickup or manosphere literature, or possibly if you sleep with a lot of girls with boyfriends/husbands. Best advice I have there if you want to get over it is take a girlfriend, and try to take her with no expectations. If she cheats at some point, oh well, it ends. Just screen carefully, avoid high partner count women if you're really worried about this, and do a good job in the relationship.

Although, it sounds like a long-term relationship probably isn't what you want right now; I might opt for FWB instead:

The 4 Stages of Every Friends with Benefits Relationship

Of course, the downside here is, she may well see other guys on the side if it's openly non-exclusive, which you sound like you mightn't be too keen on. So, somewhat sticky.

Maybe just short-term committed relationships? You'd need a good explanation for why you won't be able to see her more than a month, but tell it to her, then tell her you really want to spend the next month with her and just enjoy each other passionately before the month's up. Could make a unique and exciting experience for her, actually (for both of you).

Chase

Anon-

See my response to you here.

Chase

Bond-

I've had that one down on my topics list for years. It'd just be such a massive article it's never one I end up wanting to write. The mood would have to strike me just write to get that one churned out.

Brief summary: pick a few TV shows that air regularly with great humor in them, then watch them, study how the humor works, and imitate it. For me, in 7th and 8th grade in 1996 and 1997, that was MadTV and The Late Show with David Letterman. MadTV is pretty dated now, but Letterman's held up well. I used to actually sit there and come up with zingers I could use throughout the day at school, then use them the next day and see if I could get people laughing or even the whole class laughing.

By high school I was turning creative writing assignments into laugh-filled riots that were still good-natured and completed the objectives of the assignment so I'd get a good grade while making the teacher and students cry with laughter if we read ours in front of class. And I was able to start coming up with humor spontaneously, so much so that a lot of my classmates would talk constantly about how hilarious I was and how I was going to be a professional comedian and some of these guys were going to take me on tour and be my manager and we'd all get rich.

Downside is humor is the most reaction-dependent skill set on Earth, so while you're learning it you turn into a complete slave for reactions. When you get everyone cracking up, you feel like the most amazing person in the world, and when your humor falls flat, you feel like a complete failure. If you don't get any opportunities a given day to really make everyone fall into guffaws, you feel like a failure. etc. You spend a lot more time feeling like a failure than you spend feeling on top of the world. Comedians also seem to have the highest depression and suicide and substance abuse rates of pretty much any of the major celebrity categories, except maybe singing, which is also highly reaction-dependent (all of acting / singing / joke-telling is reaction dependent; if your movie flops and your acting is lambasted as terrible, you're going to feel like a complete failure of a human being when your whole identity is tied up in being an actor). Owen Wilson tried to kill himself, Robin Williams succeeded in killing himself, Damon Wayans painted his room all black and went into this deep depressive period, John Belushi and Chris Farley died of substance abuse, I'm sure there are plenty more I don't know about or recall. When I almost took my life as a teen, it was right in the middle of my comedian learning curve, and I don't doubt the extreme reaction-validation I was sucked into at the time was a big contributing factor to how down in the dumps I'd sunk.

Humor's a powerful thing to learn, but be careful not to get your entire validation as a human being tied up in the reactions you get to your humor. Doing so is probably the fast track to mastering it, but it's also a dangerous and punishing road to go down.

For my part, after sophomore year in high school I dialed my humor down quite a bit - I'd still sprinkle it in and make people laugh a good bit, but I wasn't going all out trying to make everyone laugh, all the time. It cost me a bit of my spotlight and I wasn't in the center stage quite as much after that, but the gain in sanity that came from no longer being a slave to laughter was worth it.

Still, no regrets for the time spent learning it, as punishing as it was... the skill's a tremendous one to have, for all kinds of things: makes you a more interesting speaker and writer, makes it easier picking up girls, makes it easy to defuse all manner of arguments assuming you use the humor once things are winding down or if they're not too serious (and are not trying to use it as the sole means of defusing serious issues), makes you likable and gives you instant social value in a lot of contexts where you might not otherwise have much to contribute, etc.

Summary is, it's a terrific skill, but punishing to learn to a high degree of ability.

Chase

Anon-

Libido's directly related to testosterone levels, so things like lifting more, sleeping properly, and eating a healthy (and protein-filled) diet are important, as is getting into the habit of being victorious in all manner of little and big ways. More on t-levels here:

• Improve Every Aspect of Your Game Through Testosterone Optimization

• How to Be a Dominant Man: What You Didn't Know About the 'Winner Effect'

Also, things you can do outside of testosterone management to up libido:

• Picture the Conquest

• Women as Sex Objects: Supercharge Your Game

There's an additional wrinkle, too, that I find quite useful, and I've advised it to other guys and they've seen boosts as well, and that is to simply think about reaching ejaculation inside a woman. If you can look at a girl and imagine ejaculating inside of her, your sex drive will nearly always shoot the roof. The flipside of this of course is not thinking about ejaculation during sex if you don't want to experience premature ejaculation.

As for SAD, I don't seem to get this, no. I love winter for bars and nightclubs, because women go out to party less, which gives you a higher proportion of women who are expressly there because they're horny or ovulating and they want a man TONIGHT. Basically makes going out a lot more efficient, and you're having to sort through a lot fewer girls who are just there to party and be validated by male attention. Tougher for day game though, because not as many women out, and the ones who are are dressed in parkas, so you have to judge body size by her face shape, which is usually pretty reliable once you're good at reading cheek size, jibs, and jowls, but not 100%. I can't stay in tropical environments for too long, they make me terribly unproductive. I've tried wintering places like Bali and Boracay and I just can't get anything done. I have to stick to cold weather cities.

From what I understand about SAD though, the biggest factor is not enough sunlight. Typically, for most people, 10 minutes of sun exposure per day on the face and arms is enough to boost your mood throughout the entire day... I typically try to make sure I get this everyday, regardless of weather. Especially if I'm feeling a little out of it. It helps. If you're down in cold weather, I'd suggest more sun (not behind a window - windows block UVB light, which isn't super good to be too exposed to for too long - you can get sunburn / suntan / skin cancer - but seems to be important to Vitamin D production and the feel-good effect of the sun).

Chase

Anon-

I’m not usually too blatantly sexual verbally with girls, no.

My VIBE is strongly sexual with them – nonverbals like sexual eye contact, smiles, touch if I’m touching them, a low and guttural voice tone, etc. If she’s even marginally attuned, she knows I’m thinking about mating with her.

I also use as much chase framing I can, which drips of sexual implication. If a girl’s really eating it up, I’ll get increasingly explicit with it, to the point of sometimes just outright joking around with women sexually. e.g., “I’m not going to have to worry about you grabbing my cock when I’m trying to take a piss, am I?” etc. That’s only if I’ve escalated up to that and the girl is responding to that sort of humor. Otherwise, it’s less explicit: “You’re back!… So, what’d you come back for?” with tones to imply I think she came back here for me.

I’ll sometimes scale back sexual displays if I can tell a girl really isn’t responding, but it usually goes nowhere with these women. Whether a girl wants you as a lover or a boyfriend, she’s typically going to respond at least somewhat well to sexual vibes and sexual conversation. If she isn’t responding well, she’s either oblivious (e.g., you escalate compliance and she comes with you and complies… in this case, she may just be sexually inexperienced and not good at reading your signals) or she’s uninterested (e.g., she likes talking to you socially but has no interest in you as a sexual option).

Sex talk… I’ve watched Alek in action with his blatant sex talk a few times and it’s quite a hoot. Really good at getting girls excited about the conversation and a topic they’re interested in. The thing to keep in mind is that Alek also has great sexual nonverbals / a strong sexual vibe, and that sex talk itself can go nowhere just like regular conversation can if the girl isn’t biting on the vibe you’re putting out there. It’s another good way of making conversation with a girl, on a topic she’ll likely find very interesting… and if she responds to your sexual vibe, you can lead it into a cat-and-mouse game of teasing her with increasingly talking more about, instead of just abstract sexual experiences or your sex stories or her sex stories, implying that the two of you will be engaging in sex together at some point soon. In this way it converges with chase framing, since you typically won’t come out and tell girls you’re going to shag them and make them scream all night (there is a method of doing this though, called GM style, I’ve seen a few guys use effectively).

In my opinion, the vibe is the most important thing, and the chase framing / sex talk / sex stories / sexual framing / etc. come second. The latter however can be more important with less socially-attuned women who aren’t as sensitive to vibes, and are better at cementing the emotion of your vibe in a woman’s head in case there’s a breach in the vibe later or you need to part ways and reconnect with her later that night or another day.

Chase

J Wick-

Yep, that’s often one of the biggest ones in the middle of the learning curve.

If it feels like there’s something you aren’t addressing, but should be, and it’s tripping you up, it’s usually sex. Once you start sprinkling it into your conversations and aren’t beating around the bush anymore, you’ll start feeling liberated, like you’re getting it all out there, but in a fun, socially savvy, and exciting way to her.

Chase

Anon-

I like the topic. I'll add it to the article queue!

Chase

Ben-

Sure. Think about it like this:

Do you think you’re better than a logger who works at a lumber mill?

Probably not, right?

Next question: would you like to go work as a logger at a lumber mill?

Or, how about this:

Do you think you’re better than someone living in central Africa?

No? Okay. Would you like to go live in central Africa?

There are many kinds of things in the world you can appreciate, enjoy, and not judge, yet would not want to involve yourself with too closely, personally.

I appreciate loggers, yet I know that a life of logging would not help me achieve my goals of contributing to the lives of others and doing meaningful things at large scales, nor would it allow me to live the kind of location-independent and time-independent lifestyle I prefer.

I appreciate people from central Africa, but it’s a dangerous and impoverished place, and I’d be needlessly putting myself in harm’s way by moving there, and almost certainly curtailing my lifestyle.

Likewise, I enjoy sexually liberal women, have wonderful conversations with them, and sometimes some rather enjoyable sexual encounters with them. Yet attaching my life to a changeable woman who flits here and there engaging in various emotional and sexual liaisons, triggering automatic mate-guarding emotions in me (I’ve yet to meet a man not subject to these emotions, no matter how sexually successful), and forcing my attention away from my projects and onto constant relationship management is non-ideal.

If I was less ambitious with non-romantic projects, or if I thirsted for the emotion a true up-and-down relationship brings, or if I kept my relationships to nothing more substantial than friends-with-benefits where I did not get emotionally involved with the woman, that might be a different story. Yet for me, as it stands, people who will introduce emotional drama into my life I otherwise could’ve avoided I simply have to cut – I’ve had to do that with male friends who caused drama as well. My objectives leave little time for pining away, moping, and turmoil of the heart, unfortunately.

Chase

Drex-

What you want is the same as what I talked about here:

Dealing with Disruptive Men

Except if a guy is leaving his hands on you, you'll have to more visibly treat him like he's socially retarded.

e.g.,

You: [talking to girl]

Guy: [walks up slaps you on the back]

You: [slowly turn and look at the guy like he's a retarded child doing something stupid; give him a very slight head nod acknowledgement; turn back to girl and eye-code her as if to say, "What the heck is wrong with THIS guy?!"] So anyway, what happened with your... [keep talking to girl]

or:

You: [talking to girl]

Guy: [walks up and places his hands on your shoulder]

You: [slowly turn and look at him like a retarded child] Thanks for spreading the love, bro. Mind taking your hands off my shoulders? I'm going to get all sweaty like that. [guy takes hands off shoulders] Thanks.

Guy: Hey bro, I love that shirt.

You: Cheers, mate. [give him a small smile and a head nod; turn back to girl and resume talking to her. Move her shortly after... maybe a few minutes later]

Half the time when guys do this it's because the girl's giving you escalation windows you aren't taking advantage of, and they've picked up on it and are trying to get you out of the way so they can pick up where you left off / were dropping the ball. So often good to take these as a sign you need to escalate with the girl soon.

Chase

Older Guy-

I'll add this to the topic queue (and maybe see if J.J. can talk intelligently about it - I think he's in a smaller town much of the time if memory serves).

One clarification: "pull-away steps" - do you mean pulling a woman out of a social circle-type environment for your first time getting together with her, or pulling away from a short-term relationship and "fading out" with that style of breakup (where you just gradually spend less and less time together), and what social consequences are if people knew you were seeing each other?

Chase

Anon-

I dealt with this somewhat when younger. At least in my case, it seemed to be a fear people would think you were “bad” if they saw you as sexual. You’re trying to avoid being “creepy” (i.e., showing unwanted/uninvited sexuality).

At the same time, personally, I never liked being seen as non-sexual, viewing it as an insult to my manhood. Sticky situation – won’t act sexual, but don’t want to be seen as non-sexual.

I think the only way to get over this is to just put yourself out there more and swallow the hard pill of doing it anyway. It’s more about building new references points than anything. What you discover with time is people respect sexual men much more than they do ones they perceive as non-sexual.

The only way to reset the emotional paradigm in your head though, of thinking that “sexual = bad”, is taking the plunge, actually being sexual, and monitoring the new reactions and feedback you get… with a special focus on what your results are.

At the same time, work on your social calibration, because the sexuality that gets rewarded socially and sexually is well-calibrated sexuality. Don’t be afraid of being the creepy guy, but do try to up calibration so you slip into “accidentally creepy” as little as possible.

Chase