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Do you know what separates just a good male dancer from one who women love and just can’t seem to get enough of?
They both need to be good at leading and know how to use their body to the music; the difference, however, is that a good dancer will try to show off his own “moves” while the one who’s being asked out to dance again and again will use leading to make her look amazing.
I remember an exercise we did when I started learning couples dancing, one dedicated to helping you understand how to lead – as a male partner you stand in place and while the song is playing you’re only using your hands to lead her and have her make the dance look great.
Can there be a more perfect analogy for seduction?
You extend your hand firmly to show what will happen next and even though she’s free to choose whether to follow your directions or not, if you do it right she will do so more often than not.
When she doesn’t it’s either because your extension wasn’t clear enough and she’s not sure what you want her to do or maybe she has her weight on another leg and the direction you want her to go would be too uncomfortable or even physically impossible to follow. Either that, or she simply doesn’t trust you enough to feel confident that you will make the whole dance look good.
At no point do you try to force her into a particular position though.
When she does follow through with your lead, all you have to do is stop for a moment and admire how stunningly sexy she looks while spinning, moving her hips, or gently falling into your embrace. Then you extend your arm and show her the next direction.
All this happens while you as a man stand firmly in your position.
Comments
I Need Help With Effortless Conflict Management
I've run in to a wall and I'm out of ideas and I need some help. It seems like the selective group of women that I've been attracted to in the beginning in the past grow to resent me, and perhaps they somehow aren't getting what they want. But in most cases they don't, won't, or can't verbalize exactly what they want so it's hard for me to be what they want. So I just do me, but I've seen the pattern of failure over and over again and I don't know if it's my fault or women's fault or both but I need some assistance. Maybe it's that women are very sensitive creatures and even when they act like they care less about the outcome than I do... and they pile on the venom, it's all because of how I attempted to manage conflict in the past.
I've had women call me a narcissist and I've rarely had a successful relationship that lasted longer than 2 years... after this time frame the passion dries up, and it seems like women begin to resent me but they can't verbalize why. Usually what happens is their behavior (passive aggressive, not good at communicating feelings or dealing with conflict, or being conniving and going into attack mode trying to minimize my ego (aka disrespect)) causes disillusionment in me and I point it out in an effort to stop the madness. In my mind, bad behavior causes me to feel negative, and in my mind if women stopped their bad behavior and took responsibility for their actions and how they impact me, and acknowledged that they were wrong then I'd be calm cool and collected since certain behaviors are a deal-breaker for me.
But many times when I ask women to tweak their behavior and I point out why it's a problem for me, not only do they refuse to change or acknowledge how I might be affected by their behavior, they act as if how dare I point out flaws in their behavior, and get even more self-righteous and dig into their heels even more. It's almost like they feel like they're this superior being that is extremely selective with men, yet here is a man (me) who isn't all that impressed with their behavior and the cognitive dissonance drives them mad...to the point where one woman recently told me that I'm a male chauvinist and she's rebelling against male oppression! Mind you I routinely asked this woman how she feels, is she okay, does she need anything, I'd help her out without her having to ask, but she fails to see any positive aspects and only focuses on the negative because I had an issue with certain bad behaviors and I expressed my displeasure with it. As a result, she labels me as a male oppressor and said she felt smothered! Mind you I'd ignore her and become bored with her most times when she behaved bad (let her come back to me if she wanted), and it was only the over the top shit that I'd point out...yet somehow she says she felt smothered but yet when I ignore her she says she felt neglected. I can't win, damned if I do, damned if I don't.
So I think I need better relationship management techniques, particularly with conflict management. You guys have spoken before about effortlessness and the 4 quadrants of effort: unknown, jester, peasant, king. Seems like where I go wrong with women and where they begin to resent me is when I respond negatively to their bad negative behavior... seems like women keep the hurt bottled up inside, and then women want to get revenge on me or hurt me because somehow my words hurt them (idk). My personality is such that I can't easily control feeling the strong negative emotions when people who are close to me start acting like clowns, I get extremely pissed off for a little while, then after a few minutes I calm down. I don't stay upset for long but some women seem to never ever let go of a bad feeling and cling to it with a death grip. And then some women are always testing, always poking and prodding, and always trying to say or do little things to try and get under your skin, and sometimes the shit they say or do is beyond the pale. It's like they start drama for no reason all because they're mad from 2 weeks or 2 months ago and instead of calmly talking about the issue and why/how they're affected and coming to a calm solution, they let the negative emotions from the past infect their current and future feelings and subsequent behavior and I find it so hard not to say anything in response to their near-continuous shit testing. Sometimes I can't take it and I just let them have it and I deal with the consequences later. Because trying to be calm and pointing out my issues with their bad behavior doesn't work...they feel justified in acting bad, and instead of taking responsibility, they blame me, it's always my fault.
But I want to tweak my game where I manage conflict and bad/dramatic behavior in the most efficient and effective way possible. So how would an effortless, effective KING deal with conflict management in relationships? If I'm dealing with a FWB or equivalent, I just temporarily next them for a few days, I don't show any anger I keep that emotion to myself...but in a relationship with a woman where I want a future with I expect more from her so I set a higher bar for her behavior. But my approach to conflict management seemingly hasn't been working out too well for me, and I think it's because I solicit too strong an emotional reaction from them. In my mind I will calm down in a few minutes from almost any stimuli (so that's why I just let interactions blow up sometimes knowing I will be calm a few minutes later), but other people seem to remain angry/resentful for weeks when I do this so I guess I could soften my tone while still being firm in getting my point across, yet I don't know how to do this effectively and efficiently.
So please help if you have any thoughts.
Hey 340Breeze, Thank you for
Hey 340Breeze,
Thank you for sharing this, I can see it's very important to you. My next piece here will be on managing casual relationships long-term, so hopefully it will shed more light into how I personally keep it drama-less and effortless.
In the meanwhile,
I think one of your biggest mistakes is not using your most powerful tool when it's needed the most (in long-term relationships) - nexting, even if its temporary, instead you logically "try to fix" her behavior and that rarely (if ever) works.
If I were to make a calculated guess based on your comment, it seems that as time goes, the dynamic in your relationship shifts as you get more invested and you're no longer that guy, who she needs to keep, because otherwise he will walk away without giving her a second chance, but instead someone who will deal with her shit - that's when the passion (and her pussy) dries up and drama starts.
Disclaimer: I don't do monogamy, so I can't really give insight into how to make it work long-term and stay happy, if that's what you mean "in a relationship".
But with any other type of relationship, you need to be in a position where you're willing to walk away (despite caring for her deeply/loving her) if she misbehaves and there are no "but..."
As counter-intuitive as it might sound, this actually helps last it longer and keeps it effortless.
Drama in LTRs
Breeze-
Just addressed the main issue you’re running into in a new post here:
“The Key to Nipping Girlfriend Drama in the Bud in LTRs”
That’ll be a little different from what Darius’s next post will be on, since he’ll be discussing short-term relationships and your question here is about long-term ones.
A few other comments are that you’re always going to run into a 2-year limit, more or less, so long as you aren’t helping a girl fulfill her biological imperative (i.e., reproduction). Women have a much shorter window to accomplish this in than men do, and there seems to be a deep, programmed-in switch that forces them to eject from relationships that don’t produce children most of the time.
You’ll find the odd relationship here and there where a girl sticks around for 4 or 5 or 8 years with a guy, more or less in stasis, but those aren’t the norm, and usually consist of her fighting hard to override her own biology, which you won’t convince most girls to do no matter how fond of you they are.
More on this here: “The 2 Year Drop.”
And, asking women to change behavior when they’re on the way out of the relationship is like asking a sales prospect to play nicer with you while he’s on the way out of your store. When someone’s in the process of rejecting you, your power over them dramatically and continuously wanes; if you want to avoid bad behavior, it’s better to make sure you’re giving the individual what she needs before she has to resort to bad behavior to try and get it (or else get more comfortable with letting people leave when non-goal-oriented relationships have run their courses). The post I just put up on girlfriend drama should help with this.
Chase
Letting Her Play Her Role In A First Date
Darius,
Your article reasonated with me perfectly. You see, It seems I am that kind of "player" you mention; the one who has difficulty in not being in charge, not being in control.
Fortunately, I read this article yesterday noon and I was able to apply it at night when I had a first date with a girl. I did lay back and created pregnant pauses, feeling ok with silence, looing at her eyes seductively while in silence etc. While she always picked up the conversation, she did it by bringing up boring topics - and in a lazy manner (as if it was a drag for her to pick up the conversation). The result was a go-nowhere date where I didn't feel I had even the minimum "material" from her to invite her home; and I didn't. We left, and I have no doubt that there will be no second date.
My question to you is this, therefore: what do you do when you give her the space to play her role, and she practically doesn't or she does but in a reluctant way? Is it possible that some girls just don't want to play their part and believe that a man should shoulder the entire interaction?
Thank you!
Hey Sam2, Sorry to hear your
Hey Sam2,
Sorry to hear your first experiment didn't work out as expected.
Let me start by answering your question - sure, women will sometimes won't play their role. The reasons for this are countless, the most notable one being lack of attraction.
However, there's also a high chance that maybe she's just not a very talkative person - women can be introverted too. When doing this dance during a date with a not particular talkative girl you should still try to pull the trigger and go for a close (assuming you're attracted to her) and you'll be surprised how often a date that didn't have that much conversation going will convert.
Couple more pointers:
-Even if we do decide lean back once in a while and just enjoy the experience, we still should introduce topics and let her roll with them.
-Even though it's possible to get away with little kino in certain situations, as a rule of thumb touching is pretty much mandatory - that's part of your role.
Also if you feel that this approach in general is not doing it for you, don't be afraid to take back control.
Hope this helps!
Hi Darius. Just wanted to let
Hi Darius.
Just wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed this article. I wish I saw this before my date this past weekend. I might have been able to lead her better.
I do have a question about the target audience of GC. I know that the majority of GC advice concentrates on meeting the girl and bedding her quickly, while disqualifying yourself as boyfriend material.
But what if the girl you're seeing straight up off the bat says she's dating seriously for marriage, not have fun and mess around because her biological clock is running out and her dream is to raise a family before her last few good years disappear?
I mean, I'm dating with marriage in mind, too. Of course, the first thing I can think of when she told me this is that I'm getting slotted into the provider category. The second is that I might not be getting sex for a long time. She did say she was willing to travel to visit me (long-distance thing going here). And we seem to have a lot in common. So, what do you think? Should I just ride it out and see what happens?
Hey anon, Let me answer your
Hey anon,
Let me answer your question with a quick story. Few years ago, I also had a woman, who nearly quote on quote said the exact same words (they rarely do now):
"not have fun and mess around because her biological clock is running out and her dream is to raise a family before her last few good years disappear"
I'll admit I did cave in at the moment, but it was over a few weeks later. Nonetheless, I know that after it was over, she went on to sleep around until the next potential "serious boyfriend" came into picture. We even slept together once, while she was in a relationship with another guy and giving him the same "I'm not looking to mess around yada yada yada..." speech.
Does it make her a liar? Not at all. I'm sure she was actually feeling the biological pressure and it was true in the moment when she said it, but there's no much point in taking it too seriously.
The point here being - look at her actions, not her words.
Now, as for my thoughts on your situation. If you said that you're looking at raking as much notches at your bed posts, I would've warned you to be careful to avoid drama and probably keep her nothing more than FB/FwB.
That said, if you're also looking for something similar as her (I would not recommend, but that's another story altogether :) ), I don't see why you shouldn't give it a shot. HOWEVER, don't make the mistake of promising the happily ever after off the bat, let your relationship evolve over time.
Long-distance thing will likely kill it though (I hope you don't mind me being frank), unless you have some open relationship agreement or something similar in place, but that's a little advanced and too soon to worry about.
Hi Darius. Thanks for the
Hi Darius.
Thanks for the advice. A coworker is going through a separation with his wife, as she cheated on him. Being in the industry I am in and in an isolated location with many, many guys to one girl, this kind of thing sadly happens all too often.
Which got me thinking about how in my case this girl might have slotted me into the provider category. And how you guys at Girls Chase advocate that I become a sexy man and a lover instead of a provider so that she doesn't want to leave. I mean, what girl wouldn't want a sexy, confident, and solid mass of muscle (me) giving them vigorous lovin'? Here it's easier to be a standout. After all, I'm surrounded by socially awkward engineers.
As for the long-distance thing, I'm actually looking for a job back in civilization. So, if this doesn't work out at least I'd have a bigger pool to swim in.
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