Relationship 101

This is the fourth and final installment in my series on why relationships fall apart. The previous three parts you can read here:

1. Why Relationships Fall Apart, Part 1: Game-Personality Disconnect
2. Why Relationships Fall Apart, Part 2: Long-Term Value Unclear
3. Why Relationships Fall Apart, Part 3: Stability Issues
   

In this article, we’ll talk about the last reason relationships will fall apart. That’s boredom. However, because it’s a topic we’ve discussed before, I’m only going to skim over what we’ve previously discussed; therefore, to get the full understanding on the subject, I strongly recommend you read (or reread) these articles first:

• If Your Girl is Bored Change These 6 Things
• Self-Expansion and Growth in Relationships
• Commitment Points: Why You Must Avoid
  
• She Must Never Become Your Mission
  

Now, in Part 3 of this series, we discussed the difference between men and women when it comes to relationship goals: men want peace, while women want progress.

What happens when a woman feels she’s achieved all she wants or cares to achieve with a man, though? What happens when progress is at an end – not because he is unstable, but because there’s simply nothing more she feels the need to secure with him?

Well, at that point, the challenge is complete; the game is won.

And, much like some game you’re stuck in once you’ve already done everything there is to do with it, there’s nothing left for her to do but feel bored.

Being cheated on sucks. It’s emasculating. It can feel like you’ve been judged somehow inadequate as a man.

Thinking of her off texting some man to meet up so she can let his big, hairy cock fill her up when she could’ve spent the night with you… it’s enough to drive a man loony.

As you mull the situation over more, you begin to wonder if she wasn’t faking it with you the whole time. She never appreciated you. You aren’t deserving of love. That despite your best efforts, you still aren’t good enough. You don’t, per say, know what you aren’t good enough at. All you know is that the state of “good-enough” is forever and deplorably outside your grasp.

If you were to happen across a Freudian at this time, you may start to think that this all ties back to some oedipal attachment to one of your parents. Why didn’t mommy love me! Etc. etc.

After a nap, you dismiss that curious early-20th century fancy and return to more sensible fuming about the matter at hand. The image of her happily embracing that devil of a man crosses your mind. You refuse to hate him though. She wants you to butt heads with this laughably inferior man-child over her!? What a joke…

“But why would she do this at all? From a neutral, objective perspective, I’m clearly a better lover/boyfriend/etc. than that guy…”

When she cheats on you, you may feel something like what I’ve been describing. Most of us have felt this way at some point or another. I surely have. It’s an unfortunate situation – and it’s even more unfortunate because in most cases it could have easily been prevented.

This is Part 3 of my series on why relationships fall apart. Part 1 was on game-personality disconnect, when the approach you use for getting her clashes unfavorably with the version of ‘you’ she gets to know while actually dating you. Part 2 was on the problem of your long-term value to her being unclear, when she doesn’t see the value there from you she wants or expects in a long-term mate.

Our topic for today is stability issues; basically, when she feels insecure in the relationship.

If you’re a veteran of long-term relationships (or even had your fair share of short-term ones with as-yet hopeful girls), you’ve no doubt heard the following common refrains:

• “What are we?”

• “Where is this going?”

• “I need to know this is headed somewhere.”

• “I just need to know I’m not wasting my time.”

What a woman’s telling you when she utters one of these phrases is that the stability of the relationship is lacking, and she needs you to calm the rocky seas.

These are just the surface of the ocean, however. There’s a whole body of seawater and a thousand leagues beneath it you must grasp if you’re to prevent stability issues capsizing your relationship.

This is Part 2 of my series on why relationships fall apart. You can read Part 1, on what I called ‘game-personality disconnect’ (where you use one persona to get her, then adopt a different persona in the relationship) here.

Part 2 is on your long-term value proposition. That is to say, if she’s going to stick around with you, there must be a clear value proposition there over the long-term.

If you have an easy time sleeping with new women but a hard time keeping them around, it’s likely this issue is your bugbear.

The biggest part of this issue, of course, is understanding the answer to this question: what does this girl require of a man for her to stick with him long-term?

Unless you can answer that, it’s luck you rely on that she stays with you.

Today, let’s talk about how you rely on something more than luck.

With this article, I’m kicking off a new series called “Why Relationships Fall Apart” that I’ll make further installments in as the weeks go by. The first in the WRFA series is on something I’ve deemed ‘game-personality disconnect’. A comment from a reader named ‘straw’ in my article on “Why Women Misremember the Past” describes this perfectly:

“Hi Chase.
As much as i dont have much problem with pick up and short term relations, I have found it impossible to maintain a longer relationship. It is almost as if suddenly my value dropped to zero. The pattern repeats itself all the time and its been going on for years now. At the beginning, women get crazy about me, the persue a relationship and after more or less 3-4 months there is a complete almost overnight shoft in the interest department.
Is it possible that I employ too much game at the beginning so they are attracted to someone im not? I may put on some game at the beginning which makes them pursue me hard and then the moment i get involved, usually after a couple of months, i show them i am involved and their interest drops, they start criticizing me, and its almost like eveything i do is SUDDENLY bad and wrong or ridiculous.
If yoy are in a relationship with somebody of course you show you care, what would be the point otherwise. Why does my value drop a couple of months after we enter the relationship?”

The problem straw has run into is that the way you attract and take women itself serves as a screening tool, drawing in the women who are most attracted to that ‘style’.

Just like you probably have your own preference for submissive girls or feisty girls, and girls of an opposing style bore you or drive you nuts, women have their preferences too – and if you lure in women looking for one thing by behaving like it, only to revert to something else later on, for her it’s kind of like buying a ticket to a metalcore concert because that’s her scene only to show up there and discover it’s jazz (or vice versa).

One of the cycles familiar to lots and lots of people is the break-up-get-back-together cycle.

If you’ve been dating before, odds are you’ve gone through this once or twice (or thrice, or more) yourself.

Here’s how it works: you and a girlfriend break up. Then after a while, you realize how perfect she’d been for you, and reach out to her to get back together. Or, you’re plugging along in your single life, when she reaches out to you and wants to see you again.

Then pretty soon, you’re back together. For a few days or a few weeks, it’s as great as ever!

Then things go back to the way they were before the first time you broke up. If you initiated the breakup before, you may start wishing you’d stayed broken up. If she’d initiated the breakup before, you may notice she’s become annoyed with those same things about you that precipitated the initial breakup in the first place.

So you break up again. A little time goes by, and maybe you get back together again. Then maybe you break up again later.

Here’s a question you may not have asked yourself, though: why do you do this? And why does she do it?

Obviously it’s kind of a silly nonsense dance, isn’t it?

Either stay together, or stay broken up, right?

Yet you aren’t doing that. But why?

Few things carry as much of that ‘punch in the gut’ feeling as having a girl you’re seeing tell you she’s pregnant.

Unless you’re married and trying for children, hearing she has a bun in the oven is one of those shocks you never fully expect, and even if some part of you might’ve liked the idea of knocking this cute girl up in theory, being face to face with a real pregnancy is different.

And if you’re really unlucky (or, more accurately, really incautious), you now find yourself confronted with a girl who tells you she’s pregnant but is not a girl you’d like to have a child with in this or any universe.

The moral police reading this article will tut-tut and tell you, “Well now see, that’s why you need to be more responsible!”

That’s not the point of this article though.

This article’s about firefighting: what do you do when she hits you with this?