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Relationship 101

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9 Reasons to NOT Take Back Your Ex-Girlfriend

Chase Amante's picture
don't take back your ex-girlfriendShe broke your heart before. But now she wants to get back. Should you do it? Here are 9 reasons why you should NOT get back together with an ex-girlfriend.

I’ve authored several immensely popular articles on how to get a girl back and how to get your girlfriend back. Both of these articles have been read millions of times apiece.

Nevertheless, I have consistently made my opinion on the topic clear over the years: do not take your ex-girlfriend back. Just don’t do it.

People being what they are, of course, there’ve probably been many more men desperately putting the strategies I share in those articles to use than there are considering the reasons to NOT use them. What can I say… people hate that feeling of “losing stuff.” Ex-girlfriends included.

Commenting on my article about easing your own guilty conscience after you break a girl’s heart, reader yseult asks about what reasons there are to not take an ex-girlfriend back:

Chase,

Could you write an article on the reasons not to get back with an ex-girlfriend?

I know you've written a lot on the subject already, usually emphasizing that there's always a better girl out there, so there's no need to get back the ex.

But could you explore the bad things that happen when you get back with an ex, other than limiting yourself from more beautiful women?

Like, if you get back together, is it as magical as it was?

How about if she's been with other men in between, does it affect how she perceives you? Does she submit as she used to?

I'm asking from a perspetive of a guy who's wonderful girlfriend broke up with him on the grounds that her mom will never accept a brown guy (kazkahs can be racist)

I agreed and moved on.

But now she contacted me again. She says she misses what we had, the guy she's seeing now is nothing compared to what we had. Basically, I was the best guy she's ever been with (and actually executed all of the points in your article quite naturally)

It was a blast to be with her. I do miss her.

But I also have a gut feeling it won't work.

yseult’s gut feeling is most likely right – it probably won’t work.

But gut feelings can be hard to listen to when powerful primal urges are dragging you back toward something your gut is telling you is best avoided.

To better arm you to listen to your gut – instead of your sex drive, scarcity, or loneliness – I’m going to lay out the nine (9) most important reasons to not take back an ex-girlfriend (or ex-wife, for that matter).

How to Stop a Woman from Doing Forbidden Things

Chase Amante's picture
stop a woman doing thingsThere are some things you just don’t want to let a girlfriend or wife do. Depending on how bad what she wants to do is, however, you’ll need to do that in different ways.

Sometimes even the most wonderful girl will try to do things you don’t want her to do.

What you do then – and how you handle that – is what this article is for.

After all, you can’t just stand by and do nothing while a woman runs slipshod over your relationship rules. Neither can you keep her caged and in chains. You’re probably not going to have her chaperoned everywhere.

You need means to effectively put a stop to bad behavior and rule-flouting by a woman partner – and those means will depend on the severity of the upcoming (or already committed) infraction.

Tactics Tuesdays: Implicit Relationship Expectations

Chase Amante's picture
man and woman sitting together happily in bedYour behavior with a woman sets expectations for the relationship that is to come. Erratic behavior works against you. But consistent behavior makes things smooth.

We’ve talked on Girls Chase before about setting semi-explicit relationship expectations.

How Women Tame Men, Pt. 3: Resisting Romantic Taming

Chase Amante's picture
woman with whip next to manEvery woman tries to tame men she’s interested in romantically. Often she’ll succeed. How do you avoid getting tamed too far by the women you want?

Welcome to Part 3 in this series on how to remain untamed by women.

If you’re just tuning in, ‘taming’ is a ubiquitous process women engage in with men as part of how they form romantic relationships/commitments. It is the female side of the romantic engagement circle: men seek to conquer, while women seek to tame.

To tame men, women use their approval and disapproval: a powerful tool able to bring almost any man under a woman’s sway, to greater or lesser extent. We discussed this in Part 1.

Men employ different strategies to make themselves more appealing to women. The most attractive men are generally untamed and hard to tame. As a man decides he wants something settled with a woman, he begins to present himself as open to being tamed (to a degree).

On the other hand, men undesired by women often go overboard to present themselves as easy-to-tame or even as pre-tamed… much in the way women undesired by men may present themselves as easy conquests, as a way to ‘sweeten the deal’.

All this is what we call ‘tamability’, something we discussed in Part 2.

Today, we’ll talk about resisting romantic taming; that is, “How do you not fall prey to a woman’s approval/disapproval, and change your behavior into that of a tamed man?”

How to Act When You're Caught Red-Handed by a Woman

Chase Amante's picture
man caught cheating by woman holding other woman's braSo, your woman caught you red-handed. What can you do? Cry? Beg? Return fire? Don’t do any of that. Follow this 6-step process instead to handle it with minimal casualties.

Here's a fun topic!

Sooner or later, you're going to do something naughty, and some girl somewhere will catch you.

What should you do?

Should you:

  • Beg?
  • Cry?
  • Plead?
  • Fly into a rage?
  • Something else dramatic?

No! None of those things.

Instead, you must own it, remain chill, and wait for emotion to subside.

Easing a Guilty Conscience After Breaking a Girl's Heart

Chase Amante's picture
woman crying and man looking sadIf you’ve broken a girl’s heart, it’s easy to feel guilty. There are reasons not to let that feeling linger, though, because all things mend – broken hearts included.

On my article "How to Be the Best Guy a Girl's Ever Dated", reader 90210 comments:

Chase,

I had a wonderful two years relationshp with this amazing girl. We eventually broke up after a big fight and ended on good terms.

I got hold of her journal (we had a shared Google account, I think she forgot about it)

And what I read broke my heart. I saw the relationship from her perspective. All her hopes and dreams on me. She was convinced I was the one. She wanted to marry me and have kids together. Our fights hurt her deeply and she used the journal as an escape.

I saw her raw, unfiltered thoughts. How she thought I was the greatest guy she's ever met. How she was not sure about how serious I was with the relationship. How she would do anything for me. How she would be my greatest supporter in my mission. How she was so madly in love with me that she couldn't stop thinking about me.

She never told me about the marriage thing nor did I set the wrong expectations.

But I gave her the best relationship she's ever had. She never failed to mention it. She invester so much in that relationship. The gifts she gave me were so expensive that I had to swerve by my no gift policy.

She's a great gal but not a perfect girl, if you know what I mean. Focussing on pick up and bringing more beautiful girls in my life is something I really want. So the breakup worked in my favour.

She hasn't chased me down. While we ended on good terms, she's still very cold and distant.

But I just can't shake this feeling of sadness for her. That I might have broken her hopes of finding a decent guy.

I feel so much regret for unknowingly leading her on. I feel so much regret for giving her hopes and then shattering that promise of a shared future.

At this point, if I could pair her up with a guy suitable for her, who would give her what she wants and make her happy, I would do it in a heartbeat.

I just want her to be happy.

I know she isn't in my life anymore and I'm not responsible for her life choices. But she is such an amazing person, she did so much for me, I'm filled with so much pain and regret for what happened.

I certainly commiserate.

I've gone through the same thing (repeatedly).

It's gut-wrenching to see a girl you care about with a broken heart after you leave.

I've even done what 90210 talks about, working to fix past lovers up with guys I think are a match for them, to get them smiling again (and ease my troubled conscience).

Not every guy goes through this.

Maybe women don't attach to you too strongly. Perhaps your relationships end before they can get that deep. Or you might regularly leave your women on equal terms, the investment balance in the relationship never having become all that lopsided.

However, if you have experienced being a heartbreaker, you have probably also experienced the guilt that comes with it -- and the soul-searching that guilt kicks off:

  • "Did I do something wrong?"

  • "Have I ruined romance for her?"

  • "Am I just not cut out for relationships?"

It's more common than you might think, people with troubled consciences over relationships they left where the other partner was hurt and pining for them. There are a lot of folks who swear off relationships to greater or lesser extent as a result of this.

You just don't want to be causing that kind of hurt; you don't want to have that kind of responsibility for someone else's feelings.

Well today, we're going to look at how to ease the heartbreaker's troubled conscience -- and what duty you have to a broken-hearted ex, plus whether you really need to swear off relationships (or not).

10 Things to Forbid Your Committed GF or Wife from Doing

Chase Amante's picture
forbid your girlfriend or wifeHealthy relationships have boundaries. But what should you forbid a serious girlfriend (or your wife) from? The answer’s not “nothing”; in fact, it’s 10 things.

Let's get a little old fashioned!

That's the thing, right? Serious relationships that aren't whimsical temporary egalitarian restriction-free pairings are old "old fashioned", aren't they?

I joke, but that does seem to be a popular position.

Why that is is a matter for another article. This article will be focused on what to forbid a serious girlfriend or wife from doing if you have one.

This article is in response to commenter Anish, remarking on my article "Should Men Have Open Relationships?", where he says:

Hey Chase, you have never written an article on how to stop girlfriends from hanging out with male friends!! At least you should write one on what kind of boundaries you should set up and how!!

Boundaries. Rules. Forbidden activities and proclivities.

That'll be our topic for today.

Put succinctly: what is your committed girlfriend or wife NOT to do?

Before we list forbidden items, though, first we must define what relationships these strictures apply to, and why we have them in the first place.

How to Be the Best Guy a Girl's Ever Dated

Chase Amante's picture
TEXTIf you want to be the best guy a girl has ever dated, you need more than “hope.” Instead, follow these 8 recommendations – yet watch out for “alpha widows.”

Commenting on my article about the Feminine Interest Spectrum, reader Fanfun asks:

[What] could we do if [a girl] already has many experiences connected to a guy to make us love more or / and forget others?

What he's talking about of course is how to be the best guy a girl's ever dated.

Most hardened playboys might chuckle sensibly at a question like this, but we allll care about it.

Sure, some of us are more confident in our ability to enter a new girl's life and immediately be the best guy she's ever dated... but if we found out we weren't, well, it would sure throw us for a loop.

No one wants to be second-best with someone of great personal importance to him. We all want to be the best.

It's not just about ego, either. It's a practical thing.

If there's some guy out there she likes better than you, she is never really going to be all the way 'both feet into the relationship'.

Girls care about this as much as guys do. I can't tell you how some of my girlfriends have drilled me on past girlfriends, trying to find out if I cared about those girls more than I care about the ones doing the drilling.

This is a human thing: if we're with someone, we'd much prefer to be #1 in that person's heart than we would #2, #3, or some other lower rank.

In this article, we'll talk about how to be that.

Yet before we do, first we need to talk about whether it's worth trying to be that with this particular girl.

Does It Matter If Your Girlfriend Keeps Photos of Her Ex?

Chase Amante's picture
girlfriend has photos of exIs it normal for a girlfriend to keep pics and other reminders of her ex-boyfriend? To some degree, but if she’s always looking at them or bringing him up, it’s a problem.

Commenting on my recent article about the Feminine Interest Spectrum, reader Fanfun asked about what to do when a girlfriend has pictures of her ex-boyfriend (or other past lovers).

He says:

Will you make an article on how to behave when the girl you are with has archived photos with her ex or old photos or otherwise things prior to the relationship that she says she keeps as a memory but that still convey a public message and one of respect towards you? How to deal with you in this regard?

I asked for a little more detail on the issue, and he expanded:

My thought is that if he still has photos with him both on social media and in the gallery he still has some relevance and danger like any other memory like a song connected to him, it would be interesting an article about how to deal with it even if we do not catch it (and that therefore means that he could or could not think about it or review any type of memory such as photos keep t-shirts etc)) the fact of still having of the material, how to act? And how could we do if if he already has many experiences connected to a guy to make us love more or / and forget others?

My first response was that this isn't really worth worrying about.

But I considered it a bit more, and the reality is that it really does depend.

It depends on how attached she is to the ex in question. It depends on how romantic/nostalgic she is. It depends, too, on how likely a threat this man from the past is to your current relationship with her.

Should Men Have Open Relationships?

Chase Amante's picture
should men have open relationshipsOpen relationships are an increasingly popular relationship setup. But should you as a man engage in them? It all depends on what you’re after.

I'm pretty familiar with the open relationship.

The open relationship has been linked with the seduction community, which I've been a part of since the tail end of 2005, more or less since its inception in the late 1990s.

Through my connection to it, I've watched countless men begin, engage in, and recommend to other men open relationships. I've seen guys transition their monogamous relationships to open relationships. I've listened to men proclaim that open relationships are the only workable long-term relationship solution and that "monogamy is dead" or "monogamy doesn't work."

Most of the OGs who stick around in the seduction community are open relationship guys -- there's a strong survivorship bias in online seduction community posting for being inclined toward open relationships. Which makes sense, right? If a guy's off in some long-term committed monogamous relationship he's not too likely to keep keeping up with a bunch of rapscallions sharing notes on tagging new tail.

Generally speaking, if you are in seduction, you will not usually get much of an alternate perspective from the open relationships cheerleading you'll see in the space coming from OGs.

It's the same in mainstream media, Reddit, and much of other social media in general. Here's an article in Vogue this month talking about "love's sharing economy" and declaring that open relationships (here dubbed 'consensual non-monogamy') are the next stage of romantic evolution -- a sort of inevitable future we will all be a part of, in a kind of joyously open sexual egalitarian utopia. Monogamy, according to the current sexual zeitgeist, is "boring", "stifling", "patriarchal", and "outdated"; non-monogamy is "progressive", "liberating", "egalitarian", and "modern." Non-monogamy is the way all the cool kids are doing long-term relationships these days! Right? Right?

The thing with open relationships folks don't tell you though is that this relationship configuration is:

  • Highly suited to SOME types of people over the long-term

  • Fun for OTHER types of people over the short-term only to degrade for them over the long-term

  • Simply unappealing altogether for a third chunk of people over either the short- or long-term

How do you know which camp you fall into?

Is the open relationship for you? Is it a joy and a liberation, a temporary dalliance, or a mistake?

Well, it's going to depend -- on you, on what you're after, and the way your life plays out.