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Relationship 101

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Why Do Women Scream During Orgasm?

Chase Amante's picture
why do women scream during orgasmWhy do women scream during sex? One theory claims it’s to draw other males near for sperm competition. But does this actually happen in real life?

I had a conversation the other day with a friend about women screaming during orgasm.

He told me about a hypothesis he'd encountered in the (idealistically egalitarian-utopian, not to mention panned by scholars) book Sex at Dawn that women yell during orgasm to attract competing mates for sperm competition.

Right on the face of it, this hypothesis has always seemed obviously incorrect to me.

First off, not to brag or anything (although I guess it's going to sound that way... can't be helped though, eh?), I've made a lot of girls scream quite loud from sex, yet I've never had a guy knock at my door and ask if he could have her next.

Second off, I've heard plenty of women I wasn't having sex with screaming, yet never has the urge come over me to knock on the couple's door and tell the man to beat it because it was my round with her now.

Third, I have never heard a single story in all my life and all the very many sex stories I have heard from the tons of men I've known in the seduction space of even a single man being chased off by another man following the first man's woman engaging in orgasm vocalizations.

Not even among hunter-gatherers, who are the cheerily idealized subject of the Sex at Dawn book, have I come across any evidence of moaning women attracting competitor males who chase off the guy making the woman moan and take her for themselves.

The "female sex vocalizations attract competitor males for sperm competition" hypothesis seems to describe a behavior that is completely absent from humans from anything I have ever actually seen or heard both firsthand and from others from anywhere else in the world.

Yet, when I dug into the research on women's sex vocalizations a bit more, I discovered some interesting tidbits that do tie in, a bit, to the Sex at Dawn theory -- although, I think, not quite in the way the authors framed it (at least, not based on the synopses I've read, not having read the book).

Dating with Herpes, Pt. 2: Relationships

Alek Rolstad's picture
herpes relationshipsIf you have herpes, how do you tell the women you’re dating… and how does it affect your romantic relationships?

Hey guys and welcome.

Last week, I wrote a post about living with herpes and how you can have a good sex life while avoiding transmitting it to others.

To recap the last post:

  1. Get properly diagnosed.

  2. Take your meds and get into full remission.

  3. Once you obtain full remission, wait two to three days to ensure the lesions are gone, so your odds for transmission are close to zero.

I would still recommend using condoms with strangers.

In this post, I’ll go over how to deal with the social part of herpes. I’ll discuss how and when you should tell women about it and how to have a relationship (F-buddy or long-term, monogamous) as an HSV-positive person.

It feels odd to write this post because I’ve never considered herpes a big issue. For me, it was just “get cured,” and “get in remission,” and stay at home when I had an outbreak. I also never thought many guys had issues with this.

People kept asking me on forums, kept messaging me about it, and some even found my work email to ask me privately. They probably read somewhere that I had herpes.

I felt this was a non-subject and, I would rather have spent time writing about something else. But the questions keep coming in, so I decided to dedicate a two-part article on this subject.

I truly hope these two articles answer all your questions about herpes and living with it as a seducer.

Respect Maintenance: Conflict Escalation & De-escalation

Chase Amante's picture
escalating a confrontationWhen you find yourself in a conflict, you can back down… or you can escalate. How far should you take it? How do you know what the right thing to do is? A few simple rules can guide you.

I recently binge-read a series of colorful Quora answers from ex-convict Matthew Holmes. Holmes was someone who grew up, more or less, inside the US penitentiary system, and shares advice on how to survive the hostile conditions there. He contrasts the prison world with the outside world; inside the prison system, a prisoner's life is a Hobbesian war of all-against-all, where there is no real law and no one you can trust to have your back but you.

One of the many repeating sentiments in Holmes's prison advice is you must be prepared to defend your reputation at any time, and go to almost any length to do so. Holmes stopped short of killing anyone in prison (as doing so would've added an automatic life sentence to his 10-year term), but came close to it on several occasions, where he severely beat inmates who tried to fight or rob from him.

In terms of general principles, I'd call his approach to conflict "always escalate a confrontation until you win."

For some time, I've followed 'always escalate' as a general (but not absolute) rule. I generally follow it with:

  • Girlfriend drama
  • Some business disputes
  • Some physical confrontations
  • Moral high ground debates
  • Any kind of interpersonal argument

However, the real world isn't a penitentiary. It is not (for the most part) a Hobbesian situation of all-against-all.

Thus, much of the time, you will not want to continue escalating to the extremes in real life situations. In many cases it's counterproductive; the gains you get from continuing to escalate outweigh the costs.

Today I want to talk about the 'always escalate' philosophy -- which is one I've long found helpful -- and where the limits are to it where you decide to hop off that train and not always escalate.

Cuffing Season Is Real (Here's Why It Happens)

Chase Amante's picture
cuffing seasonPeople ‘cuff’ mates into short-term relationships during cuffing season. Why do they do it – and who does it more, men or women? Our survey tells the tale…

As we enter October, 'cuffing season' begins.

Cuffing season is the time of year people enter into seasonal (winter) romances. The season occurs from October through March. Cuffing season romances are short; only long enough to last the holidays. During cuffing season, people seek partners more relationship-worthy than those they usually date. The majority of these relationships however end before summer.

We gathered these and other insights from a survey we ran to American adults. We also discovered a few other surprising facts about the phenomenon of cuffing a partner down when the temperatures dip low.

How Do You Make Strict Girlfriend Standards Work?

Chase Amante's picture
strict girlfriend standardsAs an experienced dater, how do you juggle strict standards for girlfriends vs. the qualifying girls’ rarity? What must you compromise on to get the women you want?

Writing on my article "Must the Girl You’re with Be a Perfect Fit?", a reader asks:

So Chase how often do you compromise on your stated standards for women you would want as girlfriends? Because when you have described it over the years it's so strict and stringent to me it seems impossible to find a woman like that consistently. If your expectations are for her to be beautiful,curvy and busty,but slim without needing to workout at the gym,have a master's,be raised by two parents,only have a few sexual partners and never a casual one,never goes out at night,not a vocal feminist and have compatability plus mutual attraction with you it sounds like finding a needle in a haystack. I know your standards have increased over the years,but it sounds impractical to only date women who meet ALL of these criteria so surely there are instances where a woman doesn't have all of these?

I think that's a reasonable question.

I don't know how helpful it will be to the average reader -- maybe more of a curiosity? -- but perhaps my thinking/process on girlfriend selection may be of use to some.

Must the Girl You’re with Be a Perfect Fit?

Chase Amante's picture
you and your girlfriend a fitWhen it comes to choosing girls, especially for long-term relationships, how perfect a fit must a girl be? Can you be too picky, waiting for too clear a sign?

I know a guy who has these baffling (to me) relationships.

His stated objective is to find a wife.

He will find women who enter into relationships with him, whom he considers marriageable. These women talk to him about wanting something serious, tell him he's the best and most exciting guy they've been with; some of them even talk about marriage with him, or about him impregnating them.

He never moves things forward and always keeps his relationships at a kind of "casual+" level.

The women get frustrated and begin asking him what he wants with them, causing drama, telling him they cannot get a read on him and don't know what his intentions are.

He takes this as a sign their interests are not aligned, and begins having doubts / pulling back.

Eventually women break up with him in frustration, which he concludes meant they were never right for each other to begin with. Or sometimes he breaks up with them in annoyance at the drama, concluding they weren't looking for what he is.

He then begins picking up again, still looking for a wife. He's been repeating this process, over and over, for 20 years. He often says he thinks when he finds the right woman, it will just click.

With his most recent girlfriend, after she laid all her cards out on the table, told him he's the best guy she's been with in a long, long time, told him she wants a baby with him, then said she can't get a read on what he wants, his response to her was, "Well since you're not clear on what you want, we can take it day by day."

When I saw this confounding display, it got me thinking about the psychology there.

Because I have seen other men do things like this too.

And to me it's always looked inexplicable! What is a guy like this thinking, in doing things this way?

Well, it was inexplicable, until I really dug into it.

Today I'm going to talk about how people evaluate other people's wants and aims.

I'm going to talk about deciding what things someone says or wants matter vs. which don't.

Then we're going to talk about how people decide who's a fit for them -- and how they decide who isn't.

Tactics Tuesdays: Bedroom Role-Playing

Chase Amante's picture
bedroom role-playSpice up your sex life with a little bedroom role-playing. You might not realize it, but she’s got fantasies – and you can bring them to life with just a bit of imagination.

This is a pleasant tactic to spice up sex sessions with both short- and long-term lovers.

It's the bedroom equivalent of our more general seduction role-playing tactic (which you can use outside the bedroom as well).

It works because, well, women are naughty girls who enjoy a dirty man.

Odds are your woman conjures fantasies some of the time while you're railing her.

She may or may not have talked to you about this.

Not all women will. Many fear you'll judge them... or that they'll hurt your pride or make you jealous if they do.

But just like sometimes you might imagine the girl you're giving it to is actually some actress, porn star, or pretty female workmate of yours, or else some other more idealized fantasy woman from a scenario you've cooked up in your head, women do this too.

Rather than stick to your own private fantasies while she sticks to hers, you may opt to have your fantasies join forces... and behold the power of the joint bedroom role-play.

Helping Women Solve Their Problems

Chase Amante's picture
helping women solve problemsWomen will tell you about their problems. But what can you do to help? Can you solve them yourself? Even if you can (or could)… should you?

One of the most aggravating disconnects between men and women is our approach to problems.

When a man has a problem, he wants to solve it. When he talks about it, he's in search of solutions.

When a woman has a problem, she wants to vent. When she talks about it, she's in search of a friendly ear. If someone has some great ideas on how to fix her problem, she'll be irritated by it, because that person is trying to fix things, instead of just listening.

Women throughout your life are going to bring you their problems.

This can end up an endlessly aggravating situation for both parties, as the male-female problem-solving approaches clash.

If you cannot find a way to resolve it, all you'll end up with is two very aggravated people.

Screening vs. Qualifying Women: Do You Always Want Her Qualifying?

Chase Amante's picture

By: Chase Amante

screening vs. qualifyingYou can use screens to get women to qualify themselves to you in order to boost rapport. That’s great for investment. But what if you actually care about whether she passes a screen?

I can hear you already:

"But Chase, I thought it was screening and qualifying women? Not screening versus qualifying!"

Ordinarily, yes. This article's about a slightly different tack, however.

In much of usual seduction practice, screening is a tool to get women to qualify. Or a tool to see whether women are invested enough to qualify.

For example, you tell a girl, "There's nothing like a good adventure. Going somewhere new, doing something novel, trying some unique food or experience for the first time. I love it, personally." That's an implied screen.

When you screen her like that, assuming you already have rapport with her, there's a fair bit of pressure on her to qualify herself and answer, "Yes, I like adventure too."

Even if she's the opposite of adventurous, she's going to feel pressure to tell you, "Yeah, that sounds nice," just to avoid breaking rapport.

As she qualifies herself to you like this, she complies with your frame.

If she doesn't qualify herself, it's an indication she may not be that compliant with you just yet.

Either way, this is helpful for your seduction.

But there are certain times you aren't going to want a woman trying to qualify herself to your screens.

Sometimes, you are using the screen to actually screen for whatever it is the screen's about.

And if she starts qualifying herself, instead of giving you the straight truth, she'll be investing, but you aren't going to be getting what information you're after.

Healthy Relationships Are Mutual Ones

Chase Amante's picture

By: Chase Amante

healthy relationships are mutualAre your romantic relationships mutual… or adversarial? If you want a healthy relationship, you must seek to make yours as mutual (for both parties) as you can.

There has been this rise in what I'd term an 'adversarial approach' to romance.

In a way, the modern seduction community itself came from this. Women were out there, according to the seduction community, with their ' shields', seeking to resist men, to screen them, and test them, and men had to figure out ways to overcome these challenges and cause women to submit to them rather than brush them off.

(I never liked the terms 'bitch shield' or 'shit test', which is why we shortened them to 'shields' and 'tests' here. Even then these terms are still a bit too adversarial for my tastes, but when I began the site those terms were already established and I didn't want to totally reinvent the wheel, so we used them as-is)

It's not only the seduction community. Everything about Western romance has this touch of adversity to it.

Women advising other women say to 'never settle', as if love is this battle for the absolute best man and anything short of that is selling oneself up the river. Men talk about women not being 'worth learning all this', as if to enter a relationship one must learn a form of extreme combat that is no longer worth the reward one gets at the end of it. Women and men alike complain that the opposite sex is no good and not worth being with.

Modern relationship advice often talks about 'compromise', as if the two sides of a relationship are at war, and must come to an accord to move forward on things.

Yet a healthy relationship is not this way.

A healthy relationship is a mutual relationship.

It is one where partners do things together because it is mutually beneficial to do so, and because they enjoy being with and serving each other in their unique man and woman roles.