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Mindsets

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How to Vanquish Fear the Moment It Crops Up

Colt Williams's picture

Whether it’s the art of seduction, social prowess, travelling the world, starting a new business, or just picking up a new hobby, every man wants to be fearless. Every man wants to be able to take life by the horns, challenge his own hesitations, and take a step into making himself better.

But how do you do it? How do you overcome fear?

how to be fearless

Not just with jobs, not just with your social life, but with everything?

Today I’m going to talk about being fearless. I’m going to show you that you can transform yourself into a person who pursues his goals with endless determination.

Let’s go.

Emotion Regulation in Your Friendships and Relationships

Chase Amante's picture

The other day, on the article on men who seem to be naturally good with women, a reader wrote in to ask about emotion regulation in relationships, and annoyance at always having to be "the rock" for women he's dating and others when they vent emotionally, when meanwhile they begin distancing themselves or just decline to give support as soon as he turns the tables and he needs to vent.

emotion regulation

Here's his comment:

Is it recommended to keep your emotional problems/issues separate from seduction?

Some girls (that I've known for more than couple months) seemed to have been of the stock where if I ever talked about my personal emotional issues (like the deep shit that you become aware of as you gain emotional IQ/mastery) with them, they gave me a look like how dare I speak about myself more than they talked about themselves...that's not how it's supposed to go!! Men, including lovers are people too, and have emotional moments (maybe a overbearing boss or a horrible relationship with parents or frustration from not being able to start a business or whatever). What I really wanted was for them to provide me with the value (same empathy/support) that I provided them, but they didn't really seem to care all that much...(it was more of a fake care, but not a real genuine OMG I feel your pain). Obviously they couldn't (nor volunteered) to really help me out and provide me with advice (even when asked), just an awkward silence then they turned the conversation back on them.

Have you ever seen this? What are your thoughts? Do you advise to keep have a support system separate and apart from seduction, and to not clue women into what you're feeling?

I am clueless on this. But maybe it's not women. Thing is I've seen a similar thing from my family too. Growing up, they weren't really equipped to deal with my emotional needs. Perhaps I presented them wrong? Conversation is part presentation...anyways the result was that I just kept shit bottled up inside, becoming aloof and not even recognizing it until much later. Now I'm more of a fixer, but it's really good to have someone around that says "i understand how you feel...try this." Never had that, not even from family.

I replied; the original commenter replied to my reply to further clarify; Franco, the moderator of our discussion boards, weighed in; and the original commenter returned once more to contribute to the discussion again. All-in-all, it turned into a pretty thoughtful conversation, though clearly from parties who were coming at the problem all from rather different angles.

So, the question raised, I wanted to dive into it much further: what's the right way to go about handling emotion regulation in your interpersonal relationships? Or, is there even a right way - is there an ideal path? Or simply different shades of gray?

Dealing with Failure: An Important Learning Tool

Chase Amante's picture

dealing with failureIn "What’s the Difference Between a Lover and a Loser?", Troy asked a question I've been seeing a lot on here lately regarding dealing with failure:

Also chase id love to see an article on how to see failure as not bad, to love the plateau and not let setbacks stop us from pushing the times of doubt and uncertainty. Thanks and im looking for that when you can do it and it interests you as a topic for a post. The reason is because i see it in myself and almost every girls chase reader of not accepting that they will make mistakes and it makes me think. I think that if you could write on this that us readers us readers would accept failure especially beginners as essential, then every one of us would stop beating up our selves when we lose a girl and make mistakes, and then you may not need to ever be getting complaints again. then life changes. It is great to try our best but no one is perfect and we will mess up. thanks for helping and reading.

We touched on failure and defeat a good bit already in "How to Master Anything", and I just talked about it a bit more recently in my interview with ITHP; today, I want to go a little more in-depth.

So, how does one deal with failure - especially social failure, the kind you must endure when learning to improve with women? Failure that's public; failure that's biting; and failure that cuts right to the quick of one's ego and self-esteem?

And make no mistake about it, you will take a beating to your sense of self when you set out to improve your prospects socially and romantically. There's simply no other way to get better with people than by trying and failing with people - again and again and again.

It takes a certain kind of courage - and a certain attitude about dealing with failure.

Fundamentals of NLP: Outcome, Acuity, Flexibility

Drexel Scott's picture

Note from Chase: Drexel Scott is joining our site as a longtime NLP practitioner and very experienced ladies' man. His approaches to women and psychology are intuitive and often quite insightful - I first really got to get to know him on introduction from Alek. I think and hope you'll enjoy reading his stuff, as he brings yet another flavor to the Girls Chase canon. Here's Drexel's first article with us, on the basics of NLP.


Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) is a communication technique that taps into the inner workings of the mind, allowing for the drawing out of emotions, the seeding of ideas, and the tipping of the scales ever so slightly in the direction you want them to go in any one-on-one (or sometimes more) social interaction you choose to employ it in. While the more advanced areas of NLP require a good bit of training and understanding to execute successfully, some of the more beginner-level aspects of it are very useful for even the casual dabbler in giving himself a social edge.

nlp

It has been said that, if NLP could be taught in a five-minute seminar, it would contain three simple slides. Those three slides would be:

  1. Outcome
  2. Acuity
  3. Flexibility

This simple organization is the skeleton for NLP’s basic method of setting and attaining goals. Of course, it is more complicated than that, and I’ll explain each of the three terms at considerable length in just a moment. As with all skills you learn, develop, or build, your require a solid foundation on which everything else can rest.

In NLP, that foundation is made up of those three principles mentioned above, and expanded upon below.

How to Think About Women as You Get More Experienced

Chase Amante's picture

think about womenIn the recent article on being happy while leading an unconventional life, a reader asked the following questions about remaining motivated as you become more skilled with women:

Hey chase!
super article. Especially the point about keeping your mouth shut. One you know about but always need a reminder. Very very important if you want to be a maverick ;). But theres a point i would like your opinion on. It struck to me when read about the cybersatiation part. You have stressed again again the importance of sleeping with girls to get better with them . But what is also important is the hunger to sleep with them. Most of the guys like me are satiated with the responses that girls give . As in there are always 5 or 7 girls in my life which bounce around me and love my company to the extent they would sleep with me. But this creates a feel good factor of temporary satiation which kills my intent at the moment when physical escalation is needed. ( though i fret about it later and am all disappointed.) an article about keeping your intent at the moment so much so that the inner hunger that drives the game would be pretty interesting. What is that goes in the mind of a true seducer at the time of going for the kill? is he lusting over the night to come or is he still not overwhelmed by the situation? my question is because we always here every guy good with girls saying ' oh it just happened i didnt do anything ' the girl just came and fell on my johnson!!:D)

It's really a two-part question.

In the first part, our reader here, in talking about "cybersatiation", is referring to the part in that article where I talked about the fact that because I'm not on social media, women are unable to slake their curiosity about me by crawling my profiles on these sites, and have to meet up with me in person again - often ending up in my bed - if they want to know more about me... and they usually do.

As you improve with women, you will begin to reach a phase where those women begin to emotionally validate you - they start to tell you you're sexy, to compliment you, to chase after you, and it feels so good that you lose your motivation to actually take them to bed. "That girl is mine if I want her," you tell yourself... except, she isn't yours, and you didn't get her. But how do you avoid this apathy and self-satisfaction setting in, rotting away at your ambition?

The other part was a question about what you're thinking about once you're already quite good with women and you're going through a seduction. How does your brain work in this case?

Being Happy with an Unconventional Life

Chase Amante's picture

A reader writes in with the following question:

Hi Chase,

You are one of the best writers on the web about this topic. I am mainly sending this to thank you, and [because] I have something else to also ask, I will get right down to it. You obviously live a type of life that is not the typical 9-5. Society frowns upon it, but you seem to be embrace it. I would also love to do what you do, but I have this fear that I will fail. There is also all the pressure from family and friends to follow a traditional path.

So, Chase, please tell me: How do manage to stay unorthodox and happy?

Your student for life,
Arnold

unconventional life

It's a good question. I know plenty of people on both the "orthodox" and the "unorthodox" side of things who claim to be "happy", yet whose actions and behaviors betray a deep lack of satisfaction with their lives.

I think most people are lost, and looking, or have given up looking, and meanwhile resent the pressures that others put upon them - whether they kowtow to those pressures, or they struggle against them.

And the people putting those pressures upon them are just as lost and unsatisfied as those they press down on.

This cycle of confusion and dissatisfaction seems to be an inherent quality of human life, and has been down through the ages. One of the things I set out to do a long while ago, though, and seduction was something that fell under the umbrella of this, was not have to worry about this like other people did.

Why to Throw Out the 1-to-10 Scale for Rating Women

Chase Amante's picture

1-to-10 scaleBefore stumbling into the world of pickup in late 2005, I'd never used the 1-to-10 scale. Maybe that's because I didn't really have friends; I wasn't comparing notes on girls. Or maybe it was because I wasn't trying to impress anyone by telling him I'd nailed a "total 10."

But in pickup, it seemed everyone used the 1-to-10 scale. Girls were 5s, 6s, 7s, 8s, 9s. Debate raged about whether a girl could ever really be a "perfect 10", or if true "10s" were naught but a myth.

Men would post photographs of the girls they slept with, and label a girl an "8", only for other men to chime in and ridicule them: "Dude, THAT girl is an 8? She's a 6, at best! Stop inflating your ratings!"

Then those same men doing the ridiculing would post pictures of girls that they were dating, and claim that these girls were "8s" or "9s"... and they wouldn't look any different from the women those men had just finished calling "5s" and "6s."

If all this seems silly, trite, and petty to you... it is. It's no better than other form of status jockeying and social ladder climbing, where guys try to seize bragging rights and "prove their worth", frequently by simply reporting the number rating of the girls they've gotten and trusting that everyone else knows what that means.

But not only is the 1-to-10 scale highly subjective and an absolutely terrible metric to use for comparing results across multiple individuals... but it destroys your ability to get truly beautiful women, too.

Brain Hacks: Meditation for the Stressed and Busy

Peter Fontes's picture

Meditation: you’ve probably heard a bit about it.

It’s a mind-bendingly powerful activity, with benefits of stress reduction, clarity of vision and focus, and even increased (sometimes dramatically so) levels of happiness. It’s key to successful visualization, and once you’re good at it you gain a degree of conscious control over your thoughts and feelings that all but eradicates things like depression and anxiety.

But if you’re anything like me before I learned something of meditation, the wall of information greeting you at your first foray into the topic is a major obstacle to getting started.

meditation

I would ask myself, “What should I learn about? What meditations are best? What do I gain by the different types?” And so on and so forth... and, unable to accurately answer these questions buffeted about as I was by tidal waves of information in the meditation how-to sea, I’d end up not really getting much of anywhere with it.

It wasn’t till I met a man who simplified the process, directed me towards some Western literature on the topic and taught me of the most important facet of meditation, that I felt I knew where to go with my own meditation.

I’m going to pass that direction onto you today.

Now, what this article won’t do is lead you to nirvana-like enlightenment. It won’t lead you to an understanding of the different schools of meditation, their history and chief aims. Those are things you can explore yourself if interested as you get deeper in.

Rather, this article will equip you with enough knowledge to stimulate that most important facet of meditation, the “relaxation response”, which you can access immediately upon meditating.

Understanding how to elicit the “relaxation response” in yourself has all kind of benefits, from better health to a better ability able to get yourself prepped emotionally in ways that’ll help you get women... and we’ll go into all of these below.

How to Get Turned On and Beat Performance Anxiety with New Girls

Chase Amante's picture

In my previous article here, "You Really Should be Having Sex", about the importance of closing things out with women regularly, Wes comments:

Those ARE reasons enough for me to sleep with a girl who isn't completely amazing but still, HOW do you get turned on by these girls?

Back in June, I had two girls over on separate occasions. Both weren't amazing and I was doing it for the practice. The first girl, I couldn't even "get it up" and i fingered her until she was done and didn't want to go on anymore.

The second girl, I made out with at a pool party and quickly led it to her coming over. I wasn't attracted to her body at all. The only thing pretty was her face and she had nice hair and I couldn't see myself ripping her clothes off and having sex.

I ended up making an excuse for why she needed to leave instead of trying to escalate.

Don't get me wrong, I was telling myself the things you said above but, that doesn't get me hard.

I didn't want to be rude and tell the girls that they need to turn me on. They'd probably get offended. "So you're saying I don't turn you on?! You think I'm ugly?!"

During your years of taking women to bed who were anything but amazing, what personal tricks did you use to "get it up"?

performance anxiety

That's a very good question, and one I want to handle in a post targeting two dual and related reasons that men have for not finishing the last half-mile of the marathon and moving from physical escalation to full-on intercourse:

  1. Not being turned on, and

  2. Performance anxiety kicking in

Let's talk about both.

You Really Should be Having Sex

Chase Amante's picture

should be having sexShould you sleep with women you're not all that excited about, purely for the sake of the sex itself?

It's kind of a loaded question - isn't it?

It's one you encounter with guys who are new to the idea of approaching their success with women as a skill set - you'd like to be good with women, but you're not a crazy sex-aholic who's ready to jump on anything or anyone who'll take him, and in all honesty there's really only a small, select subset of women who really do it for you.

We've had a few questions to this effect recently on the site - here's Mike, on "Girl Has a Boyfriend? 3 Things to Do and 7 Things NOT To":

I'm almost to the point where I feel the need to buy sex, not so-much because I haven't had it in so long that it's driving me crazy, or that it will build my confidence, but merely because I sense the women I'm interested in ( all of whom have boyfriends) sense in me, to borrow an expression, a 40 year-old-virgin syndrome. I don't believe I can lower my standards, taking on a girlfriend I'm not sexually attracted to, merely to get in the game and end my prolonged period on the market ( I live in a relatively small community where everyone seems to know everyone else's business.) But do you advise that's what I'll have to do before I can land the big fish? Or do you believe there is some amorphous "clinical" benefit ( again, not related to building confidence) to getting laid once in a while even when you have to pay for it?

... and here's Michel, with a similar question a day later on "The 100 Hour Rule":

[W]ith my girlfriends before, I knew each and every time that we would be lovers in the first 10 seconds after meeting her. Then there is no question of approach anxiety or of bad technique (even though I'm sure that technique helps make the relationship better, and that all I read on this site will one day prove useful!). But without this feeling I really don't feel attracted to a girl. The idea of having sex with these random strangers I meet every day is even mildly disgusting.

Thus, we arrive at the beginner's dilemma: you'd really like to have more success with women, just... you'd like it to be with the women that YOU want to have success with, not merely whatever you can get.

So what do you do?