Mindsets

Quick post today. More of a reminder than anything.

Much (most?) of the time, most people trend toward black and white thinking on things. This extends to all manner of thinking:

• "This is good, this is bad."
• "This is my fault, that is his fault."
• "I am right about this and other people are wrong."
• "Other people are right about this and I am wrong."

The last two are what I want to talk about briefly today.

And I want to talk about them by way of sharing with you a Chinese parable I heard a bit back.

On the outcome independence article, Balla made the following (exasperated) comment:

“Chase, im letting you and myself down with my low success rate. Please help me find this missing piece to this puzzle and please understand why im going crazy.

Im going mad with these girls. What am I missing? What am I doing wrong? It doesn't matter if the girls are cold approach girls or social circle girls. Nothing is popping off. I can get all the numbers I can care for but they dont mean shit if I cant sleep with these girls. I read the article that you wrote, "The 10 ways to make a girl take you seriously". I read your stuff religiously and apply it all.

Im not even joking, everything you say to do I do. From moving girls, text and call only for dates, be sexy, be calm, be smooth. I read the serious article over and over again and apply all of the steps. I am really going mad right now, I never felt this bad before in my life. Im being 100% honest chase, I use all your stuff, but im still not sleeping with these girls. Im just getting phone numbers and attention, I dont even get damn dates. Im starting to get cold and bitter and getting ready to treat these girls like shit. Please Chase tell me what im doing wrong? Is it just that im not meant to get many girls to sleep with me? Is it that Luck is against me? I really dont know what to do, im trying not to vent but im frustrated beyond belief and enough is enough. I have an identity crisis also, after reading that comment you left for a reader about it and it makes me very angry that im all these good qualities but im not getting any action. People believe I sleep with alot of girls and it drives me crazy that im not. I even believe I should sleep with alot of girls but its not happening. Its been a year since I found this site and I havent bedded one girl I didnt know yet. Sorry for the long vent but I seriously don't know what im doing wrong. I still believe everything you write is true and it works, I just have no idea what I am doing wrong. Thank you Chase for everything.”

I can commiserate. In early 2006, when I had just started actively going out and approaching new women, I was frequently leaving similar notes on the message boards I participated in then. I was trying everything I knew to try... and it seemed like nothing was working.

This is something called "plateauing" - where your progress stalls and you hit a level plain where things just don't seem to be getting any better.

Plateaus are the result of running into sticking points.

What's a sticking point? It's something that no matter what you do or try, you just can't seem to get around it.

Today I want to talk about what your options are for when you hit these frustrating snags, and what you need to do to break free of their tangles and get yourself making progress with women - or with anything else - once more.

A guy walks up to a girl.

He starts a conversation. She's from out of town.

They exchange pleasantries, chat a little bit, have a bit of back and forth.

He's not feeling it though; she isn't really into him, and he can tell.

She invites him to swing by her town sometime. He knows this is a polite brushoff.

He smiles, tells her he appreciates it, says he's going to do a little more circulating, gives her a wink, and leaves.

That guy's cool... isn't he?

Actually, the correct way of describing him would be "outcome independent."

This isn't the comprehensive "how to be cool" post that some folks have asked me to write... that one will require a large block of uninterrupted time for me to sit down and put together. But I do want to talk about one of the elements of being cool: that thing known as outcome independence.

I recently had dinner with a group of friends. Among this group was a young Mormon couple, the male of whom was a former missionary. He was one of those cool religious guys you meet, with a clear sense of purpose, and a fire behind his eyes that told you he knew who he was and what he stood for and what he was meant to do in this world. We had some good conversation about life, travel, and business.

After we parted ways from them, the girl I was with asked me how people can find purpose in religion. "Well," I said, "for him, from his point of view and what he believes, he knows with absolute confidence and certainty that if he spreads the Word of God and brings more people to the faith, and if he leads a good life and does what he's supposed to and avoids temptation and sin, when all's said and done and his time on this planet is past, he'll ascend to heaven and he'll be buddies with God and will be at peace for the rest of eternity."

My girl looked at me quizzically. "How can anybody believe that?" she asked, genuinely surprised.

"Because some people told them about it, and they thought it sounded reasonable, so they believed it," I replied.

"That's not a good reason!" she said.

"Well, let me ask you something," I said. "You believe in evolution, right? That people come from monkeys, which come from rats, which come from fish... all that?"

"Yes," she said.

"Okay," I continued. "Have you studied evolution in a laboratory environment yourself and seen the evidence up close to make sure it's real?"

"No," she said.

"Well," I said, "have you ever actually seen evolution happen?"

She paused a moment, realizing where I was going with this. "No," she said.

"Then how do you know evolution actually happens?" I asked. She didn't answer. "It's because people told you it does, and it sounded reasonable to you, and you believed it... isn't it?"

Somewhat less polished article than usual today... my computer's in the shop, so I'm having to put things together on a rather dated machine instead of my usual one.

A reader wrote in to give me a tongue lashing for being insecure, brainwashing men, and leading people astray - away from loving themselves, their soul mates, and God. Here's what he had to say:

“Hey Chase,

So I used to be on this site until I realized a few things. Firstly, you're a very insecure man who is brainwashing men into learning a 'skill' which they should not be learning. I believe there is a God-given person for anyone, and regardless of whether or not you think that is 'feel good nonsense' is up to you. A girl left you and because of that you felt like you needed to change. Ever think that maybe she just wasn't right for you? Ever think that you could find a girl who likes you for who you are, but you just got to be patient? Ever think that it's okay to be yourself and to want to be efficient and get things done fast only if you want to? Your website is based on complex logic-based ideological nonsense that appeals to vulnerable young and old men who have typically been through hard times with women and are looking for a solution. Sure you can learn how to make money, get the best body, etc.; we live in a progress-based society. On the other hand, when you are trying to teach people a skill, which is not yours or anyone else's right to teach, then that's crossing the line. Deep down, you know it's wrong, and despite the fact that it works (I can vouch for that), it's morally wrong. You don't need to sleep with women for them to stick around. Most of them will stick around, and you're right about that, but really think about what's the point of doing that. If a girl is meant for YOU then she will like YOU for the nerdy, efficient, intelligent, socially awkward person that you naturally are. SIMPLE. Chase, please give your head a shake, bro. I know what you're saying is true and works, I know if you get the girl to pay it works, I know chase frames work, etc. Please just take a moment and think 'Why would I want a girl who doesn't like me for who I am?' Don't fight your core self, try to change your voice, and who you are. Do it if you want, but the girl you end up with will like you for you. Marriage may not be a big deal to you, but it is a God-given way for 2 people who love each other to demonstrate that; you're just taking a completely logic-based approach, which is one that society tries to conform us into due to its progress-based nature, but if you know what's good for you, you'll take a moment and seriously rethink what you are doing, and get your insecurities sorted out, because you have some serious work to do my friend :).

All the best,
Former member”

I have a pretty good idea who this individual is, because he routinely comes on here leaving similar comments. If it's the person I think, he's a guy who was very religious, then decided he was going to learn how to be good with girls, then, before he could actually get any experience with women, decided that being good with girls was morally reprehensible and that he should go back to being very religious again. I've nothing against religious people personally, but flip-flopping is just annoying.

If there's a God, He's probably pretty annoyed with it too. God and I are both annoyed.

I'd take the time to respond point-by-point here - except I've already done that, in this article from two years ago: "Just Be Yourself: The Worst Dating Advice Known to Man." If you're curious about my response to the line of reasoning espoused in the above comment, just read that article - I wrote it specifically so I wouldn't have to keep repeating myself every time somebody decides to challenge why anyone needs to bother with self-improvement, dating advice, treating yourself as your own greatest project and investment, etc.

And the morality issue - "You know it's wrong to teach men about women!" - has been previously addressed here: "Is Seduction Wrong?"

(also worth adding, for clarity's sake - I started improving myself with women when I had almost zero prior success with women and was alone and friendless, not because a girl "had left me," although this does seem to be a common origin story for men in the dating advice niche; and I score 35% on OkCupid's "How Insecure Are You, Really... Test," which you can draw your own conclusions about)

Anyway, what I'm actually primarily interested in discussing here is the emotional reaction - why do people get upset and feel like they need to go on a crusade to silence you when they know you don't think as they do?

Why is it about other people's ideas that make them so... frightening? I mean, they're just ideas... right?

I'm going to take a bit of a tangent from the usual here to discuss the topic of time efficiency and ways that you can make your social life (and the rest of your life) much more efficient.

This article is in answer to K's comment here that asks:

“Hey Chase!

Thank you so much for this website. It is truthfully the only comprehensive "how to live life" site that takes a logical approach to everything. I especially enjoyed the "Are you smart post". The difference between hard working and smart is truly all important. It would be amazing if you could get a post up here about how to be incredibly time efficient, so that we can learn how to really maximize the effectiveness of our work.

Thanks again,

K”

K's referencing the article "Are You Smart? It Doesn't Much Matter Either Way," in which we examined some research done on children praised as "smart" compared to children praised as "hard working" from an early age. The findings were that the children praised as "smart" early on shied away from hard problems later in life out of fear of failing and proving themselves "not smart," while children praised as "hard working" early on dove into hard problems later in life in with zest to show how "hard working" they really were.

In this article, I want to turn the spotlight onto the topics of hard limits, autopilot, and also revisit some of what we discussed in the article on ego depletion - so we can talk about how one becomes truly time efficient.

In "How Much Do Looks Matter for Romantic Success?," Balla asks whether to lower your standards in pursuit of getting the best results with women achievable:

“Hey Chase, I can agree with everything you wrote to a T. What I want to ask about is this.

You say naturals are better to learn from right? What I want to know is what your teaching us is natural stuff or pick up stuff? I ask because I know you learned on your own but I know that you also did learn how to pick up from naturals and puas.

I actually want to be natural, how do I become natural? I want to be the best I can be and know I can be better than a pua. Please don't tell me it's too late to become a natural seducer. Should I just sleep with all types of girls no matter how they look?
Thanks Chase!”

My answer was "it depends," and while I went into a bit more detail in my response in the comment section, this question's rather a nuanced one... and it depends very much on what you want, how you want to or can afford to go about getting it, and, ultimately, how far you're willing to go in order to get there.

In this article, we'll take a closer look at what things the answer "depends" upon - and what the different options are for you.

But ultimately, I want to discuss how lowering your standards can actually lead you to higher quality, more beautiful women over the long haul.