Ego Depletion (and Keeping Women Around) | Girls Chase

Ego Depletion (and Keeping Women Around)

ego depletionApologies if you haven't seen me on here much recently. I'm working on a few new things that should help you take your game to the next level; the first one due out is a book on relationships that I'm really thrilled with the development on. I'm aiming for it to be as complete a book on relationships as How to Make Girls Chase is for pick up, and I have some truly outside-the-box thinking in it that I've developed through my own personal relationships and through advising a number of friends and clients on their own, and that I haven't seen or heard anywhere else.

Anyway, I wanted to take a break from all the big project stuff and stop by here with a few of the things I've been working on lately. Today's blog post is a monster, at over 5,000 words, on something called "ego depletion." As you get better with some of the more advanced techniques from this blog and from the programs available here, you're going to start experiencing more and more of this, as one of the downsides to efficient and effective pick up.

If you're familiar with a sales tactic called "hard selling," you know that, even when people know what this is, it still works a lot of the time. You also know from this site that the hard sell can be a useful seduction technique - but that it's not without its drawbacks. And the chief among those drawbacks is ego depletion, and the after-the-fact effect it can lead to: buyer's remorse.

Buyer's remorse is, of course, when you make some headway with a girl - she gives you her phone number, kisses you, fools around with you, or sleeps with you - and then she disappears, never to be seen again, or (sometimes) suddenly acts coldly toward you in social situations. Coldness can also be caused by auto-rejection, but there's one important difference:

  • Buyer's remorse is what you get when a girl feels like you made her go too far, whereas
  • Auto-rejection is what you get when a girl feels like you didn't take her far enough.

Mildly confused? Great. Confusion's the stage that immediately precedes learning something that will prove, hopefully, rather useful.

So let's talk willpower, decisions, buyer's remorse, auto-rejection, and ego depletion - and let's discuss how you can avoid shooting yourself in the foot when it comes to forming a relationship with a girl you really like.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.

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Comments

BW's picture

Chase,

Can this be taken too far, in your opinion?

Example: there's a breakfast joint and a flower shop on my block, and my go-to method to combat buyer's remorse has been to sneak out, grab breakfast, and have it waiting for her when she wakes up. I always think about grabbing flowers but it just feels, gut-level, like a tryhard move.

In the used car analogy, I guess it'd fit into if you bought the car and then found out it was worth $20 grand more than you paid. Kinda moves the seller from "gives a great deal" to "sucker" status, no?

Any thoughts?

BW

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey BW,

How's tricks?

Does feel a bit overdone to me, yeah. I've always liked cooking breakfast for the girl myself; easy enough to have a waffle maker and throw some waffle mix and some water and oil together, mix it up, toss it in the maker, and in a minute, with a little maple sugar and perhaps a scoop of ice cream or a strawberry, you've got a delicious homemade breakfast that she appreciates a lot.

Gestures that are nice and clearly meaningful but don't take a great deal of work or expense on your part are often the best.

On a side note, if you're the car that people realize is worth a whole lot more than they thought it was after, you can probably upgrade the impression you're making - provided you steer clear of boyfriend territory, it'll make bedding the girls you like even easier, because they'll be able to tell you're a higher quality guy.

Cheers,
Chase

Psychotic's picture

i have a question chase? i thought you said that women are the ones who seek rekationships.wont i look needy by seeking a girlfriend?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Howdy Psychotic,

Good question. You're right that you don't want to seem like you're chasing the relationship; instead, what you're going for here is taking care of a girl's emotions and providing her a great, satisfying, fulfilling experience. If you do that, you won't need to chase after a relationship - she'll feel comfortable enough to do the chasing herself ;)

Chase

Skye's picture

Nice one Chase,

I had a hunch the next post was going to be a huge eye opener, and you didn't dissappoint. Great read as always. It's always good to put a name on something I found a bit abstract before. Can't wait for the next post!

Skye

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Thanks Skye. I'm glad to hear it wasn't too much of a mish-mash; there were a lot of different things crammed into that post!

Chase

Anonymous's picture

When is the new newsletter coming out? Its been a while and i would like to keep receiving ur insight man ;)

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey Anon,

Sorry for that; seems I am perpetually playing catch-up. I'll see about getting a new one out this week if at all possible.

Appreciate the reminder.

Chase

Lance's picture

Amazing post,Chase.
This post is very useful.
Can't wait to read your new book...

Philosoraptor's picture

Ok chase, that is kind of insulting.

(a) what are you implying by 'ego depletion', because it kind of sounds like you're encouraging people to try and wear down someone's will to me.

(b) if this is the case, how could you say that you are in fact a gentleman, because ego depletion sounds pretty manipulative to me

(c) The implied dynamic between a man and a woman in this scenario is insulting. If someone came up to a bar and had the above conversation with me, I would actually turn my back on him because it was just plain rude. You want me to sit with you, don't be rude. I can understand using the excuse that you don't want to lose the seat, but if you're so damned keen you go save the seat and i'll join you. (that is what i'd say, especially if someone said something like "if you're friend is having fun like she's supposed to" - that is emotional manipulation 101, and something quite commonly referred to as negging) You see, men commonly use being rude to try pick up girls, because it casts you in a superior light and tries to make the girl feel bad, like she's doing something wrong when in fact she's not. Look up micro aggressions, it's a form of sexism.

(d) that brings me to your idea of compliance. so you think being rude to a girl so that she submits and is therefore compliant is a good thing? if so, how can you call yourself a gentleman that respects women? Oh wait, you make her waffles. This is your next point - you be rude, make her compliant and then reward her! It's like training a dog.

(e) I mean, what the hell is "ALWAYS make women feel REWARDED for complying". In saying this you're undervaluing the intellect of a woman. A woman who is interested in you is not 'compliant', that just makes the woman seem submissive and moronic. Maybe a girl is 'interested' on an equal playing field in which you two are having conversation as equals. Maybe you've caught her eye in some way, and she's now realizing that you're a catch because of similarities in your personality. Maybe she's just really attracted to you and horny. Whatever it is, the use of the word 'compliance' instantly casts a certain dynamic between the man and woman.

So, then you need to make a woman who has become compliant feel like she hasn't made a mistake. Well, you're absolutely right in saying that women don't want to feel used, but honestly, women generally have an idea of whether or not they want to sleep with someone, or where they want their night to go. I suppose your point is that this is malleable, which is definitely fair enough. However, I do not like the idea that it's malleable through compliance/ego depletion, and assuming that is arrogance and a disrespect to women.

(f) I'm just going to repeat that I think the most frustrating thing about this is just the implied dynamic between a man and a woman. I mean honestly, from this it sounds like all you want is an easy lay, but then it seems to be aimed at people looking for relationships?

This advice, it just really doesn't make any sense if it's supposed to come from a guy who respects women and is wanting an emotional bond with someone else. You can't have that with someone you view as a lesser being. If you are interested in a relationship then why is this about manipulating people into bed? If you're willing to manipulate someone you'd be a terrible boyfriend. Maybe I'm just missing the meaning, but honestly if you could explain these things because that was my interpretation.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey miss,

Please re-read the article above with your defensive shields down. Particularly, take note of the how these techniques are actually being used before you pass judgment.

Additionally, you'll find that most of the content on this site actually adapts the techniques that women use and allows men to use the same things. When women use ego depletion, it's called "drama," and it's a powerful means of control they use over prolonged periods of time in wearing down men and "breaking" them, which ultimately leads to unhappy relationships for both the men and the women.

What's being taught here is how to use this technology in a way that's beneficial to both men and women... rather than one-sided, the way most men and women use it to serve their own needs (men to get fast sex without regard to the woman's wants, women to "break" men in relationships without regard to the man's wants).

Chase

Philosoraptor's picture

"When women use ego depletion, it's called "drama," and it's a powerful means of control they use over prolonged periods of time in wearing down men and 'breaking' them"

I don't think ANYONE should use ego depletion, shame on girls for when they do that. Look, maybe you don't mean to say things that sound sexist, but they come across that way. How come if a woman uses it it's called "drama" and results in game playing, but if a man uses it it's perfectly fine. This technique when used by women leads to unhappy relationships, but the same would not go for men. Is it because he's in control of the situation? All this stuff about control, it's so bad.

Honestly, I'm so over this game playing crap. If a guy doesn't want a relationship, don't prolong seeing a girl that obviously does. This sort of emotional manipulation talk gets complicated if a guy feels like he's being trapped in a relationship. That's bad, and awkward, so really all I can say is be honest. Most problems relate to lack of communication. If a guy does want a relationship, be proactive and talk to girls, because they'll probably be receptive and would like to talk to you. The worst that can happen is she won't be interested, and for heaven's sake you don't even know the girl so who cares. Then that's when the hard sell / making people comply comes in. Yes be confident blah blah, just don't be rude, and don't put a girl down. Manipulation is not healthy.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

First off, you have some good points in your comment. Before I get to those though, I need to firmly address something here that is what I term an "attack label."

An "attack label" is anything someone uses that employs the tactic of shaming to categorically dismiss someone else and portray them as "weak" or "bad." Here are some of the ones you'll most commonly see:

  • "That is / you are sexist."
  • "That is / you are racist."
  • "You're being defensive."
  • "You're being sensitive."
  • "That is / you are creepy."

Attack labels are extremely good at stopping most people in their tracks and causing them to pause; it creates an intrinsic fear of being ostracized and rejected, and most people will scramble to explain themselves and protest that they are NOT the attack label they've been labeled with.

Attack labels endure because nobody's consciously aware of them; the people who employ them are using them as a means of control and subjugation to censor thoughts and ideas they find contrary to their own position, and the people they're used on tend to do everything they can to not have them be used on them, and either become ashamed or angered.

What happens when you're consciously aware that someone's using an attack label against you? Well, you can point it out to them, and if they don't get it, you can throw it right back at them.

Girl: You're being sexist.

Guy: No, you're being sexist. You're trying to hold me to one-sided standards and position yourself as the decider of who is what label. You're setting yourself up as an Arbiter of Value, and I reject that. You're not the decider of who is what label. You can figure out who and what you yourself are, but you do not get to tell me who or what I am. Otherwise, we can sit here and define and label who each other is all day long, and waste each other's time and energy with pointless, stupid attempts to outfox one another. Basically... don't label me.

Anytime I hear someone say, "Oh, that's sexist," I instantly think to myself, "Ah, an ad hominem attack. They have no logical ground to stand on, so have now retreated to trying to shame their opponent into giving up by labeling them."

Labels ARE manipulation, the very thing you propose to stand against. Didn't even realize you were using it here, did you?

Anyway, not trying to lay into you too much, but I want to point out some of the things you're doing here so you can stop doing them, and by extension have healthier dialogues with other people free of accusations and finger-pointing, which just raises defenses and closes people off to your arguments.

Open dialogue: good. Communication: good.

Using attack labels to silence or subjugate the other party in a debate or conversation: very bad, and leads to all kinds of bad ends for everyone involved.

Declaring people "sexist" is the fallback tool of people without an argument. You're better than that, Philosoraptor; you're clearly an intelligent individual. Make your points without labeling your your opponents and you'll retain a great deal more respect and credibility.

As far as what people should or should not do, I'll leave that to the philosophers. But I will say that everyone's an idealist except when it comes to themselves; I've met hordes of people who say (very vehemently), "People SHOULD do this!" and, "People SHOULD do that!!!" But then, when you see them in all their full, fleshed-out glory, you almost always find them doing that same exact thing that they chastised other people not to do. Of course, if you challenge them on doing what they constantly chide others not to, they'll either deny that they do it, or they'll have a very good explanation for why this one time they had to make an exception.

As far as if a guy doesn't want a relationship, I'm in wholehearted agreement he should not keep seeing a girl. This is for both his and her sakes; for her sake, because her time is limited and he's wasting it; and for his sake, because if he continues sleeping with a woman that isn't of the type he wants a relationship with, he faces a risk of becoming complacent and falling into a "relationship by default" with a girl he really doesn't want a relationship with, and both people end up being unhappy.

There is a huge, gaping problem with the current relationship structure in America and much of the rest of the English-speaking world: it's that men have lost their "purpose" in relationships... and women are very angry and frustrated because of this. Anyway, I'm writing an entire book on how we got there and what you can do about it, and don't want to give too much of it away... so, to be continued ;)

Chase

Anonymous's picture

SNAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jay's picture

Hey Chase,

I met a girl at a festival last week and quickly got her back to my tent but kept encountering random resistance. What I mean by that is she'd do stuff for a few minutes then suddenly not be happy about it so we'd go back a step but a few minutes later we'd progress again then abit more but then suddenly she wouldn't be happy again and we'd go back a few steps. I got sick of this in the end and made the mistake of telling her that but I thought after we spoke about it and ended up just hugging all night things were ok. Got breakfast next morning & took her home and spoke about meeting up again. However when I text her she text back saying she felt really hurt by what I did and doesn't want to speak to me again. This is obviously buyers remorse and I can understand why as I sure telling a girl your sick of her not putting out is not going to make them feel particularly special! My question is is there anyway of turning this situation around? I did really like her so thinking of texting and telling her but not sure if it's a good idea if she's saying she doesn't want to speak to me. Should I just put this one down to experience?

Assaraf's picture

Hey Chase,

Really great post. Appreciate all your insights into psychology and social dynamics.

I see some challenge here in balancing the forwardness of hardselling with projecting a cool image of not 'not caring'. Isn't laying back to 'punish' the girl a popular response to rejection?

Do enlightent us on this conflicting techniques. Thanks so much Chase!

c's picture

hey, im a girl and id just like to give a girls advice since if you want advice about girls, then a girl is probably a good source!
this all sounds pretty manipulative to me, and it's definatly playing games. what actually works is 1. be yourself (if you be yourself u will naturally attract someone who is compatible with you), 2.be respectful, and 3. be honest about your intentions. if you want a relationship then communicate that so that your not the one getting hurt if the girl doesnt want a relationship. if your just wanting something physical make sure u communicate that before getting physical so the girl doesnt get hurt. i mean if u just met her 5 minutes ago at a bar and she wants to go home wtih you, its pretty safe to say she knows it would just be a physical thing, unless she communicates otherwise. but if its a girl uve been talking to or hung out with a couple times then make sure ur on the same page. just be honest. a lack of honest and open communication is the biggest problem in relationships, whether its starting a relationship or maintaining a healthy one. i know id feel super uncomfortable (buyers remorse ??) if a guy used the techniques described in this article. and then id probably recognize that he was just trying to charm me by doing things for me to make me feel comfortable. like sleeping with me multiple times wouldnt make me feel more comfortable if i was feeling "buyers remorse". haveing more sex with a girl who might be regreting having sex wtih you in the first place is not a good way to comfort or erase that feeling for her. i would suggest taking her to a movie or taking her out for dinner, something none sexual so she knows ur lookign for somthing more. whats comforting is when i sense that a guy is being himself and that hes a genuine, good person, with good intentions. good luck guys.

Eric Reeves's picture

Hey C (if that's your handle? I can't be sure),

While we do appreciate advice being provided on this site from the community, as well as open discussion.. often times there's a conflict of view-points that arise when women try to give advice to men.

And while I wouldn't normally try to refute something like what you've brought up, especially as it is well-intentioned... there are some things you need to understand because I don't want you giving the men around you in your life the wrong idea. Especially so as you've posted on this site, a male audience, which leads me believe you're also doing it real life (possibly because you enjoy helping, which is awesome.. but..).

While you did provide good advice, as sex isn't always the answer to buyers remorse... The rest is based on conjecture of the world we men exist in. Conjecture, while helpful, is not always correct and leads to disastrous assumptions (see my weight loss article, and the low-fat craze possibly causing a steep rise of obesity).

We live in different worlds -- particularly when it deals to risk and opportunities.

Often, women are often on a pedestal, and are the selectors. They choose their mates that are presented to them. Typically, the evolutionary/biological purpose of this social construct is due to women able to procreate and bear children, while men can't.

As such, men are thought of to be dispensable. We are the risk takers, we have to make the opportunities happen. In one of Chases articles (on anxiety), he said that while women are able to get through life with anxiety and fear of approach -- as they will still have men chase after them.. men CANNOT. We HAVE to take risks, we HAVE to learn how to approach, and we HAVE to learn to deal with fear. We are dispensable, and this is the unfortunate reality. Telling a man to play it safe, and do things like be nice, be respectful, be friends, take it slow... are NOT risk taking strategies, and while they work for women, they ABSOLUTELY do not for men.

This is bad advice, and I hope you understand why. It's not entirely your fault, but rather the inevitable result of your position in the world.

Also, as for the word you used.. manipulative...? Women are 10x more so than men.

Lao Che's picture

i love this website!

way to go, Chase.

Hplscs's picture

Ok, I know women are emotional... But they go out, they go out with a purpose - to meet men... If she likes some guy, she just goes and sleeps with him. I mean, she would have to be without any brain to go home with him not having a clue what could happen...

Thus I don't believe it is a manipulations or "tricks" from a guy. We just play our game, the best way we can. Being nice and friendly, putting her on pedestal and so on, simply doesn't do it. Many of us tried, and I'm sure most of us have great stories of what kind of guy not to be. Simply, there is a point when she needs to take responsibility for her own action, and I know quite a lot of women that no matter what you do, no matter how attracted they are to you, they just don't go and sleep around.

There is nothing wrong with when she wants to do it and finds a guy who can lead her through her desires, while she feels good about it...

HotG's picture

Hey Chase,

Great articles, but I keep coming across a issue that I haven't really found a solution to... I've followed your advice about moving fast and it's worked out amazing ( I mean complete 180 turnaround). and I generally take women home 1-3 nights and become their lovers. Even though I've given good sex (so good that they climax multiple times and fall asleep before i'm even allowed to orgasm) and I sleep with them overnight and take them to breakfast the next morning; a lot of the women I sleep with move VERY slow afterwards. I mean "no hand/ intimate holding, keep a certain awkward distance away from me" slow. Generally I thought this was because I haven't built rapport and I took them out to normal dates and after our 1st time, but this seemed counter productive. It doesn't matter what I do, they always seem to stray away from any sexual relations after the 1st time whether I'm trying to have a girl as a girlfriend or as a casual partner. It doesn't make any sense. I've read all your articles to date, but I haven't found a solution tailored to this issue and would like to know your thoughts.

Thanks,

G

Smooth's picture

Hey Chase,

I have been having trouble getting girls to leave after sex. Do you have any other techniques besides just blatantly stating you are busy the next morning?

Haha I've tried that one and they just seem to not care and say they would get up at the same time I am leaving, and of course, stay for the night.

I actually do all the steps you mentioned (sometimes I just have sex once because of tiredness/drunkenness)
and I am still a little bit affraid of being accused of rape in case a girl feels used if I ask her to leave.

Any thoughts?

Anonymous's picture

Heyy Man there is a great dilema within me whether the girl i like,does she like me or not bcoz there was a time when we used to talk a lot share a lot of things and feelings,but some time before a mutual friend made a misunderstanding between us and she assumes that to be true and is really hurt bcoz of that..

Now she dont even talks to me,reply on my messages,we do have sometime an eye contact but due to her ego she moves it away....but i think that there is no valid reason for her to angry with me bcoz that was to small misunderstanding...

so how to make her trust me again and talk with me franklyy.....and we were not in relationship..

Reason's picture

I like your article, except for the part in the middle where you suggest that the girl is "responsible" for her own choices.

It seems very clear, from everything you're saying, that your actions are the motivating factor for her to choice.
1) She had a choice "no"
2) You wear her down through persistence-- the hard sell.
3) She gives in, one way or another-- "yes".
4) When she gets her faculties back, she returns to "no".

Whether or not it's ultimately a good or bad thing, it's clearly your doing. You did something to her to make her say "yes". You are the cause-- her choice is a domino. It's your very deliberate action that set the events in motion.

You seem to understand that expertly everywhere in this post. You even compare yourself to car-salesman who sells a lemon. Pretty excellent example! But it's weird that you would then relapse into some misguided concept of free-will in an article entirely about controlling someone's will.

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