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Sometimes you make a move on a girl and she hits you with "let's just be friends." Yet just because you got one LJBF doesn't mean you're out of the running…You make a move on a girl or ask her out.
She looks you firm in the eyes, aaaaand... "I thought we could just be friends!" she tells you.
Just like that, the wind has sucked all the way out of your sails.
I guess you have to just be friends with her now.
...
...
...
I'm kidding. What point is there to that?
You're talking to her because you want her. Either to date her or to have a fun roll in the hay with her.
When she puts the "let's just be friends" (LJBF) frame on you, you're faced with several options... but not all these options are created equal.
Comments
What about LJBF through texts?
Hey chase, thanks for the insightful article. It came at a good time since I just encountered the same problem yesterday.
How would you proceed if the girl LJBF through text?
The story is: I no. closed a girl in direct daygame, (5 min interaction) we texted a few texts and then she took 2 days to reply. Her reply was I'm not her type and she has a bf. I ignored that text and continued replying to her other text.
My exp was that another girl whom i no. closed in the direct daygame (5 second close, didn't even know her name when I got her no. cause she was in a rush LOL). On her second text, she gave me something similar to LJBF, in that she wrote she's not looking to date. I ignored that text, replied to her other texts, and managed to meet her a couple of days later. It fizzled out after that date but I did managed to meet her.
There's also many cases where I texted the girl to hang out and she gave me that LJBF, or they say they have a bf.
What should I reply when they LJBF over text, or is that a lost cause? These girls are all direct daygame, mostly walking sets.
Of course the best solution for me is to fix my problems during the approach itself and I strive to do that, but how can I handle this situation as it comes up during texting?
Thanks for replying.
LJBF via Text
1984-
Well, you have two options.
Option #1 (ball in her court text) is the one I usually default to:
Maybe 20-25% of these girls I get a "Hey!" message from 2-5 months down the line.
Option #2 is to treat it like she said she just wants to be 'friends' with you (as in, friends-with-benefits-type friends):
This can work sometimes but you need to go in knowing you've got a bit of an uphill battle building more attraction again.
I personally tend to be busy enough I'd rather not waste time on dates that might not pan out. Usually if a girl is texting me something like this it means I screwed something up on the initial meet, which means if i get her out I'm going to be in recovery mode for a while. Unless she's really worth it or I'm really up for a challenge I'm not likely to want to spend my time on it.
There's also the possibility of course that she does like you and just wants to make sure you have no illusions about this being anything other than physical. That'll happen sometimes too.
(I'm really personally all that intersted in girls who have boyfriends / talk openly about having boyfriends. I'll take them if I find out about the boyfriend on the pickup or on the date and we can go to bed right after, but if I need to text back and forth and set up a date I typically do not want to bother. I know I won't be as into it when we meet up, and that'll affect my odds with her... compare that to some guys who really love shagging attached girls, where maybe they get even more of a rush meeting up with a girl like this. So that may influence how much you want to pursue an Option #1 vs. an Option #2 strategy)
Chase
LJBF Rejection After Sex Multiple Times
Hi Chase,
Great article!
However, I’m having a difficult time identifying which type of LJBF rejection I received in the current situation I’m in. I recently had sex three times with a coworker. We’ve known each other for two years but only recently started hanging out because she switched projects and no longer worked closely with me.
I will try to describe the series of events as clearly as possible.
We’ve hung out 4 times over the span of three weeks. Three times were exclusively at my place (2 of the 3 times we had sex) and the final time we went on a hike. Since we’ve been hanging out, the girl has been giving me a few signs hinting that she wanted a relationship with me although I never brought it up. First, she told two of her old coworkers that we hooked up. Second, she told me she hadn’t had sex all year until we finally hooked up—leading me to believe she’s a serial dater. Third, she invited me over to her apartment for breakfast with her sister, her sister’s best friend, and the best friend’s husband. Since we’ve only been seeing each other in a sexual capacity for three weeks, I told her I was busy Saturday and could not make the breakfast; however, I suggested that we go on a hike together Sunday which she accepted.
The hike was a lot of fun, she has a cool personality and we were able to talk freely with each other. At one point, we sat at this little cove we discovered and made out. Everything seemed fine. However, on the car ride home, when I suggested that we pick a new show to binge watch together this week, the girl said she thinks it’s best that we be platonic friends. I was taken by surprise a little and was driving so I didn’t really react to this as well as I would have liked. But the conversation seemed off to me in the first place. I figured we were just having fun and keeping things super casual, so there was no need to have this type of conversation. Her response made me believe it was about the sex we had.
If I had to describe the sex, I would have to say it was mediocre at best. Mostly due to us getting to know each other. I also think this is compounded by the fact that she knew about the great sex I used to have with an ex-girlfriend of mine and probably had very high expectations. In the car she tried to assure me that this was not the case, that she enjoyed the sex but just didn’t feel a spark between us—but at the same time I wasn’t hanging out with her to date her so why would there be a spark.
Ultimately, this most recent interaction has me confused and left wondering if there is something I can learn from the situation. Any help would be appreciated!
Girls Who Cut Off Relationships in the First Month After Sex
DS-
Good question.
I'm going to do an article on this. It's a good topic.
(update: here's the article)
The quick answer is even post-conversion a woman is still going to be feeling you out in the first few months for a taste of whether your relationship goals align with her. It's still usually very easy to change her mind and get her to stick around if she sours on you or tests you during that first month. However, she will be putting up those tests, telling you she doesn't think it is working, that she thinks the two of you ought to just be friends, etc., if she gets the idea your goal and hers are not aligned.
(in essence... if she is not down for a casual relationship -- and many women aren't -- and that's all she thinks you have to offer, she is going to push back on continuing things with you and getting more sucked into a relationship it'll be harder to free herself from later).
Response-wise, you need to be addressing her objections here, and usually reassuring her either that a.) you actually do want what she wants too or b.) there's no harm in the two of you seeing each other a bit more and enjoying what you have together.
In your case there's a bit more of a challenge because the sex isn't good. If it were me I'd probably just tell her it takes some time to develop sexual chemistry with someone... often you need 5-10 sessions to get used to one another's bodies and figure out what each other like.
Chase
LJBF Rejection after Kiss
Just went out with a girl on a after a cold approach. We kissed halfway through, but afterwards she said she just wants to be friends cause she just very recently got out of a 2-yr relationship last week.
I teased her about it (“well today didn’t FEEL very friendly” with a sly smile) and (when she said I looked cute later on, I said “oh don’t say that, we’re just friends” with a cheeky smile). She laughed at both of those frame teases. I can tell that she likes me a decent amount.
But then she restated “LJBF” at the end of our date, cause she literally just got out of a 2-year relationship last week. So I asked directly, “are you saying you’re only interested in hanging out if we’re explicitly just friends?” To which she said “maybe, I don’t know. Are you looking for FWB or a relationship?” I responded that “I’m not looking for anything in particular, I’m open to whatever happens. But I have a lot of friends and am not really looking for more friends. I’m down to hangout again and see what happens.” She replied that she’s probably down to hangout again. So we left it at that – she’s uncertain about whether she wants me as just a friend or as more, but we’ll probably (not guaranteed) hang out in a few days.
How should I act on this next date (and all future dates)? What should my style of texting be? Should I just do the “I’m a lover” frame strategy? I feel like I have to approach this with more nuance than the typical “I’m a lover” strategy?
I have the gut feeling that we gotta at least kiss/makeout next time, if I want to avoid the LJBF-zone. I think I could definitely set a flirty vibe, but I anticipate that setting a SEXUAL vibe would be hard. For example, I likely could see us having one short kiss (and I likely could see her saying “LJBF” again afterwards), but I don’t think she’d be down to makeout/hookup. And I don’t want to be pushy about us getting physical, cause I want her to be comfortable, and I don’t want to seem like I’m not being understanding with her.
I’ve read this article but it doesn’t seem to cover the special scenario I just described.
Any advice about how to proceed?
Adam
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