Girl Has a Boyfriend? 3 Things to Do, and 7 Things NOT to | Girls Chase

Girl Has a Boyfriend? 3 Things to Do, and 7 Things NOT to

Chase Amante

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girl has a boyfriendI've been with my fair share of "attached" women before - that's girls with boyfriends and girls with husbands. As I've mentioned before, the way I see it, there's always some guy, SOMEWHERE who's going to be angry you're sleeping with a girl - whether he's her boyfriend, her ex-boyfriend, her husband, or just some guy who's already "called dibs" on her and you moved faster, it doesn't matter - somebody somewhere is upset that you're with "his" girl. So you can either spend time worrying if some man you don't know will have his feelings hurt if you sleep with a woman who wants you, or you can sleep with a woman who wants you and figure that if someone is upset about her for sleeping with someone else, well, that's between that person and her.

And if she was REALLY his, there's not a thing you could've done to get her... trust me.

By the same coin, it doesn't bother me a lick when men are trying to get a girl *I'm* seeing. If you're dating a beautiful girl, men will want her, and men will try to get her. More power to them for trying. And hey, if she DOES give you the slip for some other cat, you can take that as strong evidence that either you weren't doing things right with her, or she wasn't the kind of girl who believes much in loyalty and fidelity, or you're dealing with some combination thereof (usually it's some combination thereof).

Lately though, I've been seeing some pretty lame attempts by men trying to get my girlfriend. And it's made me (and my girlfriend) realize: most men have no idea what to do when a girl has a boyfriend and they like her.

In an effort to stem the tide of lame attempts men make to get girls with boyfriends, I've put together a list here of the top 3 things TO do, and the top 7 things NOT to do when you're trying to get a girl who's got a guy. After reading this list you will, I hope, be in a much better position to avoid making these mistakes - and avoid ending up in time-wasting or worse situations with attached women, too.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his One Date System.



annus horribilis's picture

Reading this was horrible and caused me to lose a lot of respect for you. One of the worst things that ever happened to me was having my ex cheat on me. It's fucked me up and my ability to be trusting and open. You seem to not spare a second of thought for the other man affected by this dishonorable behaviour and its consequences.
The possibility of being cheated on is now something I worry about daily with my current girlfriend - as much as I try to be the best boyfriend she could possibly have, it's always on the back of my mind that no matter how much she tells me she loves me - she can always turn around, rip my heart out, and throw my investment in her out the window at any time.
And here you are teaching men to steal women from other men in commited relationships. You are part of the reason why commitment and self-sacrifice mean nothing these days.
Shame on you.

Chase Amante's picture

Hey Annus,

I've certainly been there. I went through a period with an ex-girlfriend where we broke up and got back together and unbeknownst to me she was already seeing another guy. Tough time to go through.

I actually met the guy. And you know what? I wasn't mad at him. Why should I be mad at this other guy when it was MY GIRLFRIEND who got together with HIM? He didn't do anything wrong; he was just a guy who had a girl who wanted to be with him, and he got together with her. Actually, turns out he's a pretty cool guy. You know who did something wrong there? *I* did something wrong: I failed to keep her wanting to only be with me... or I failed to select the right girl to date.

I see a lot of guys who refuse to accept responsibility for their own relationships. They don't understand why women cheat, so they want the world to do them a favor and have everyone else on Earth just respect that they're in a relationship and stay away from their girl. But along the way, they forgot to brand the girl's forehead with a "Property Owned" stamp... and the girl forgot that she was owned property, too, and instead acted like women sometimes do and followed her heart.

Before you blame me, or that guy, or even your ex-girlfriend for your ex-girlfriend straying from you, Annus, stop for a second and take a good long look in the mirror.

Until you own YOUR mistakes, you will never be secure in a relationship again.

If you choose the right woman, and you REALLY do a good job making her love you, this post is no threat to you at all.

The fact that it IS tells me you're more interested in telling people to stay away from your girlfriend than you are in finding ways to make her want to stay only with you.


annus horribilis's picture

You, yourself, in your article acknowledge that sometimes women who love their boyfriends will get together with other guys.
I've been with girls with boyfriends and married women before I got cheated on. Then I realized what a fucked up thing stealing someone else's girl is. there so many single women out there - why bother with drama and potentially cause a lot of pain - for both the girl and the guy?
I don't stamp anyone with 'property owned', but I acknowledge people sometimes make bad decisions. And one night where someone "follows their heart" could lead to psychological devastation of both the girl and the guy for years... if they can recover. and if there are kids involved, to the break up of families.
Can you sleep well at night, knowing you gave someone the tools to make this a reality? Do you never consider the ethical implications of what you teach?
By empowering men to make it easier for women to do that you are part of the problem, not the solution.
I don't feel the world and other men owe me the favour of not hitting on my girlfriend, and believe me I try everything within my reach to make sure she doesn't feel tempted to stray. as well as do what I can to keep myself interested in her. this goes both ways.
But I also recognize we are all only human and a single mistake can destroy years of history.
Good luck in your future endeavours, from an ex-customer.

Chase Amante's picture


Here's the problem with your argument: it is that men should stay away from your girlfriend, no matter how unhappy you make her, and NOT make her happy, because, well, because... you said so. She's in a committed relationship, after all.

And you see nothing wrong with that. Nothing whatsoever.

Men who come here who want to learn how they can make their girlfriends so happy and satisfied that they'll never WANT another man - I want those people here. This place is for them.

Men who come here who want to control their women and throw them in a walled keep and put palace guards and fortifications in place to keep the woman trapped in misery and keep away those men who can actually make their women glad - those men are NOT welcome here. I, personally, hate blamers and complainers. Hate 'em. They're the scum of the Earth, as far as I'm concerned.

Because there's this:

If you truly cared about your girlfriend, you would not be telling me to censor myself - you would be asking me how to give your girlfriend such an amazing relationship that she'd never even LOOK at another man AGAIN!!!

And in fact, my follow up post to this one is on exactly that.

But you're not asking me about that. You're not interested in that topic. You're not saying, "Okay Chase - well, I know how to get a girl who's in a relationship now - now, how do I keep my woman so thrilled with me that this is never a scenario I have to spend even one second worrying about in my own relationships?"

Because you don't care about your girlfriend - you care about what your girlfriend can do for you, and you care about keeping other men away from her - no matter how happy (or not) she is with YOU.

You're more interested in defending those men who fail their women than in those women failed by their men.

I'm not. Because the world doesn't work that way. You fail at school, you get held back a grade. You can whine and say it's not fair, but them's the shakes, and if you want to do well at school you learn how to pass tests. You fail at work, you get fired. You can whine and say it's not fair, but them's the shakes, and if you want to do well at work you learn how to do your job. You fail with your girlfriend, you get broken up with or cheated on. You can whine and say it's not fair, but them's the shakes, and if you want to do well with relationships you learn how to keep women happy and satisfied.

Don't make me the target of your selfish victimhood. Man up and teach yourself how to be a rockstar at relationships.

And before you get upset that I chewed you out, have a think about this. You're either going to come back in 2 years and thank me for making you realize you could do so much better at your relationships, or you're going to still be sitting there in 2 years crying about why other men won't leave your sacred relationships alone and how it isn't fair.

The world doesn't give half a squat about fair. It cares about if you can make the cut or not.

The people interested in that last one are the ones this website is for. Stop trying to control others and instead start learning how to control yourself and provide so much value to the people around that they won't want to leave.


annus horribilis's picture

You're putting words in my mouth. I never said I wasn't interested in making my girlfriend happy enough with me that she wouldn't want to leave. In fact I said the precise opposite. I do try. That topic ( becoming a rockstar in relationships ) is precisely what I interested in. I was excited when I read recently on this very site, how there was going to be a focus on that very topic.
Hence my surprise and shock, that one of the the first posts on the subject of relationships, is in how to teach other men to steal other men's girlfriends.
I value your advice, I was just expecting more from you - ethically.
Anyway, I have seen you have posted on the subject again, I will read that carefully, and I thank you for getting me to think on what my priorities are from a fresh perspective.

Chase Amante's picture

The thing with ethics is most people try to use them to control other people's behavior for personal gain.

We already went over this example - proclaiming it isn't fair for men to pursue attached women, when you find yourself in a relationship that you're not certain you can hold onto (you don't hear a lot of attached women complaining that it's unethical for men to be interested in them, do you?).

You see similar "ethics" all over the place - e.g., fat women complaining that it's unethical to suggest that thin women are the ideal (you don't hear a lot of thin women complaining that it's unethical for men to like thin women, do you?); people complaining it's unethical that there aren't more of this racial minority or that racial minority in universities (usually blacks or Hispanics in the U.S.), but not having any problem when more qualified members of other races (usually Asians or whites in the U.S.) are turned away to make room for less qualified members from the first group; people complaining that wealthy people don't give enough back to the country in taxes, yet not wanting to give back more themselves via higher taxes on their own income; and the list goes on.

I see the term "ethics" get thrown around a lot to mean, "You should do what I want, and make things easier for me," usually by people who perceive themselves as "victims." It's equivalent to the "That's not faaaaair!!!" cries of schoolchildren who've lost some toy at the hands of a selfish bully... as if life should make other women fat because you are, to even the odds, instead of life demanding that you get thin if you want to compete. Similarly, you can complain it isn't fair that other men are capable of outcompeting you for your own woman and do... or you can decide to step it up, stop leaning on "ethics" as a crutch, and accept life's challenge to become competitive (by becoming what women really want, and by giving women satisfying relationships).

In life, you've really only got room for one focus at a time:

  • Stopping, slowing down, and controlling others, or
  • Elevating yourself and those around you.

You can't do both. Can't. I've never seen someone running around saying, "That's not fair! Stop it!" while at the same time heavily focused on becoming better, stronger, smarter, and more effective. Haven't seen it.

You've got to choose - the mind can only handle one position at a time. That doesn't mean you go around hurting people or being a cold, callous prick, but it does mean you don't label things as "This is black, while this is white" when reality is more complicated than that - her boyfriend might be heartbroken if she strays with you, but she might be heartbroken if you ignore her and leave her trapped in a loveless relationship or one she's come to resent. Which one are you right for helping, and which one are you wrong for harming?


P.S., saw you read the post on preventing cheating - glad you liked it, Annus. Hope it's what you needed to help make sure you don't have to worry about going through what you went through again.

annus horribilis's picture

"her boyfriend might be heartbroken if she strays with you, but she might be heartbroken if you ignore her and leave her trapped in a loveless relationship or one she's come to resent. "

re: this, she has the choice to terminate the relationship prior to cheating. if she is "trapped" it´s her own fault for choosing to remain in a loveless relationship. last time I checked women are´t helpless beings "trapped " in relationships that are being forced upon them. at least not the ones I date.
likewise for me, if I come to recognize that I am not in love with someone, and my needs aren´t being met, I will try to repair it. if it´s beyond repair, I will terminate the relationship.
I won´t cause further pain by betraying my (monogamous ) commitment. or by enabling someone to break theirs.
but hey, that´s just my personal ethics - and I´ve come to it through trial and error ( a lot of error ).
I´m just saying posts like this imply that men taking the iniative to break someone else's commitment are justified. they are not.
Ethics aren´t about controlling someone else´s behaviour. it´s not about you defining what is right and wrong for someone else.
it´s about recognizing there is a right and wrong, positive and negative, good and evil.
this was my point all along, not about controlling someone else´s behaviour - which is always beyond our control. we can only try to influence the outcome, by choosing to engage in positive behaviours such as the one you described in your other post ( one which I believe has a much more positive message than this one. ).
anyway, I hope I explained my point clearly - this was always going to be a thorny subject and being one that is very dear to me personally I chose to engage, perhaps more than I should have.
Looking forward to your book on relationships.

Chase Amante's picture

Hey Annus,

Good debate here - it's good to be challenged on your beliefs and be forced to further define them and flesh them out.

Point taken on control.

On moral absolutism (the stance that there is DEFINITELY a right and DEFINITELY a wrong), I'm a big opponent of "Good vs. Evil" thinking. e.g., for the U.S., George W. Bush was good, fighting back against cruel terrorism, and Osama Bin Laden was evil, murdering innocent women and children. For Pakistan, George W. Bush was evil, murdering innocent women and children, and Osama Bin Laden was good, fighting back against cruel terrorism. When people use good and evil, they tend to over look their own "evil" actions and dehumanize their opponents, painting them as "animals" or, at best, individuals who "don't get it." It's the basis of the psychological effect known as "othering" and leads to tribal thinking, herd mentality, and, at the extreme, massacres. Read about the flaying of Hypathia in Alexandria or the Christian Crusades or Islamic Jihad more recently for examples of the end result of good vs. evil thinking.

Anyway, your last comment highlights your belief in words over feelings, which is actually a very common difference between men and women. Men tend to hold that, "What you SAY is what matters," e.g., your word is your bond. Men often despise "weak willed" women who follow their emotions instead of their stated word. On the other hand, women tend to hold that, "What you FEEL is what matters," e.g., you should run from bad situations and toward good ones. Women often despise "controlling" men who demand that they hold fast to their word when the circumstances have changed and the man is no longer providing the strength or security those women originally provided that word to him under.

Remember, men normally occupy the dominant role over women in relationships. That makes it the man's responsibility to ensure that the woman's needs are met. Men who abdicate this responsibility lose their women, or enter into relationships where they surrender that role to the woman (e.g., she is in charge and she calls the shots). It's the same as having a child - if you create an unhappy home for a child, the child will both want to escape and fear the loss of parental protection and resources and, also, fear possible retribution. So, your child won't say, "I'm terminating our parent-child relationship henceforth." He's not in the power position; he doesn't get to say what happens - you do. So he'll avoid that because a confrontation with the dominant individual (you) will just lead to him losing and suffering further. Instead, he'll try to undermine your authority and question you and resist and rebel and try to push you to change, until he reaches the breaking point and just runs away... and you'll be left feeling heartbroken he could ever do such a thing without verbally informing you he would first. Women do exactly the same thing, and men often can't understand it. "I thought she was happy!" you'll often hear... same as a parent discussing a child who ran away from home.

The person in the weak position (normally women) in the relationship isn't thinking, "Let me make sure I take care of the strong person's emotions." They're thinking, "Jesus Christ, I handed the reins of my life over to this person, let him be responsible for my emotions, and now he's running slipshod over them." It's the strong individual's responsibility to take care of the weaker individual's emotions. This isn't a "you should do this to be nice" sort of optional thing; it's more a "do this or your relationships will break down" sort of mandatory thing.

Black and white good vs. evil thinking only works so long as you fail to see things from the other side's perspective. The moment you start seeing it through her eyes, the world becomes a very different place.

Who's right - the man who claims a woman is evil for cheating on him, or the woman who claims a man is evil for holding her in a relationship where she was unhappy?

Both of them are - and neither of them is. It's all in the eye of the beholder.


Anonymous's picture

I would like to say, although I didn't read the whole thing (I'm sure I can trust your argument to sustain), I believe you have the perfect grasp on what survival of the fittest means.

Your intelligence on every article I've read has kept me completely consumed and in absolute conformity to your logical conclusions. I will be reading your articles and if I change who I am and turn into the more dominant male I wish to be (whilst still maintaining humility), I will gladly pay for your services. I would also recommend based off the few articles I've read, that your mind is fit for the psychological field. I thank you in advance because I am confident that your advice is the best advice I've ever received and intend to try it as soon as I man up.

Best regards.

lucifer's picture

Very interesting back and forth here :).

Your point is powerful, Chase, however you also mention that girls who are in love -or in long term happy and fulfilling relationships for that matter- can stray in the spur of the moment, so in that case, ethical considerations as the ones raised by annus *do* seem to come into play.

Even in that case, no right from your side to label other people as dicks as maybe they didn't know and even if they did she did her part as well, however I would find it hard to not at least shrug and say "that was a bit cheap of him".

Anonymous's picture

That is why Chase said in the article that if you meet a girl is in love with her boyfriend(and the signs are obvious!) that you should not pursue so he has got that covered, there are ethical considerations that come do come into play from Chase's side, Chase also says to not sleep with married women with children because they could be hurt, so trust me when I tell you that Chase has all of this covered.

Anyway, Chases words in this debate are very inspiring and I feel they are right, glad a guy like him is throwing his knowledge on the internet for others to catch.

luc's picture

Ehehe I trust you man :).

Just chipping in, sometimes all these "it's the BF's faults" seem like excuses not to own up to what you did.

Is it cool sleeping with a girl who has a BF? I don't know.
Maybe no, sometimes it's not, but just own up and say "I did it anyway, someone will get hurt if they find out but I did it anyway".

Zuke's picture

I have a dumb question. If a girl was going to cheat on her boyfriend with me, why would I want her to be my girlfriend again?

Anonymous's picture

Ive been in that dudes shoes. I had this fiancee who had cheated on me a few times. I wanted to murder the dude and thought she was just swept up in the guys BS. He was 38, married, a psych major and she was 23. I figured he was the cat she was the mouse. This was 7 years ago.

Boy what a difference 7 years makes. I now know that SHE was the cat. Right now im banging this girl who has a boyfriend. I started dating her before she got with him, she got serious with him after she moved out of town. Yet like clockwork every time she comes into town she ends up banging me at my house. I feel kinda bad for the guy, here im barebacking his girl while hes using rubbers and doesnt know shes on pills, but if shes gonna travel 6 hours straight to my house hes obviously not doing it for her. Id marry the girl even.

That last sentence is the rub. Sex is sex and love is love. I dont care that shes boned by him. She is gonna scratch the itch eventually being out of town. I can only do her 1-2 times a month and i cant do all the couple stuff.

Im also dating another girl who is married in a loveless relationship and another girl who is in an open relationship. If they want to use me as an escape, whatever.

It can be summed up like in this story. My roommate and his friends brought this 19 year old home. She had a boyfriend but none of them were and none of them knew. I asked around if she was single or who she was with and it was nobody.

Im 37. I just cold asked for her number and within a half hour i had kissed her. Sensing "easy prey" because of the brutal efficiency of my game with the age difference, he then wanted to go for her and asked me to back off politely, to which i obliged.

He went out with her and she revealed to him that she had a boyfriend, that they were just friends.

She ended up back here and was all over me, despite my room mate doing everything in his power to keep her and i seperated. She even woke me up from a drunken stupor and crawled into my bed and told him she was going to sleep with me, he convinced her to go back to him.

She came up and told me that once he fell asleep shed come up and bang me. Which she did. I was snoring so she grabbed my bathrobe and wrapped herself up and slept in his bed. Poor guy came upstairs to let me know she was sleeping in his room to see her clothes all over my floor.

The point of all of this is that what the poster you are verbally sparring with is suggesting is that men with game should back down when a girl is vibing them out of some "mens code". Problem is, its not the dude with game who is breaking the rules. Its the girl whos wandering panties is giving him the signals in the first place.

That 19 year old? She only banged the "boyfriend" twice and then he assumed exclusivity and it drove her insane. She did not want a "relationship" with anyone. The roommate played the wine and dine game on her and she friendzoned him while continuing on the payroll, and his attempts to keep her away from me only pushed her at me even harder to the point where the moment he fell asleep she came straight to my room and got buck naked instantly.

I used to think like that guy. But now i dont care. If the girl wants to bang somebody else and comes back, whatever. I dont own her like a peice of property. Its just sex. The logical extension of that kind of thinking leads to that masterbation is cheating because only one person is allowed to offer her any sexual or emotional pleasure.

asdasd's picture

Really? Property Owned? Maybe I am a retard, but I dont own people, I dont want to controll anyone completely and ethics for personal gains? Oh being a good person is always hypocricy and personal gains... What, if I say I like if others are happy too and I am not a completely selfish person who only cares about his own gains? Cheating is a fckin bad thing and should not be encouraged or such. I may like a girl, who may actually like me back, but if she doesnt break up with her bf cuz she doesnt wanna lose that security, then thats it, I respect that she is in a relationship and I dont make others lose the good way, Also, if a girl I like has a bf and I like her, then I want her to be my gf and I dont want someone to be my gf who I know cheated.

Jimbo's picture

Actually Chase, I do think there are ethical considerations here, but only on the part of the cheater (male or female) and not on the part of the guy cheated with. Because, see, it's either of these: the girl is responsible for her actions and engagements/promises, in which case she shouldn't cheat, period, but rather terminate the relation if she's unhappy; or she's too emotional to be held accountable for straying and braking the monogamous contract, in which case tagging said girl as your property and controlling her may very well be the way to go because it's hard to view someone like that as a person to begin with.

So yeah, cheating is unethical, but only on the part of the cheater (in this case, the girl) -- the guy she cheats with is just a single dude who hooked up with a girl.

As far as I'm concerned, the only way for straying to be moral and acceptable is to make it withing an open relationship.

Gu3ss_Who's picture

First of all, with regards to the sentences in the message titled 'Ethics.' If she was unsatisfied in the relationship, why doesn't break up. Convincing her to cheat is even more damaging to her in the short and long no term. Have you thought about that?

As much of a dating "expert" you make yourself out to be, you're missing one important point. Women typically cheat not because they don't like to boyfriend but because another option has become available. In other words it's the other man who initiates the cheating not the girlfriend who decides to walk away. What you're doing is incentivizing other men to steal girlfriends away from another man. Yes it is the girlfriends fault for walking away if she decides to BECAUSE another manipulated her into doing so.

That little snippet of a conversation is 100% manipulation on the man's part. Would you do that in front of the boyfriends face? Of course not.

You're probably so heartbroken from your exes, you've never recovered. You're probably one of those guys that sleeps with any woman in sight to fulfill your own selfish needs. Unlike you, other men have figured out how to impress OVER A LING PERIOD OF TIME. And here you come in, trying to fuck it all up for your selfish reasons. Good luck trying to convince me to pay for anything on this website. You're the problem we have in society, that incentives cheating instead of sticking together.

Also, that whole "my girlfriend left and I was totally cool with it" ha ha you're hilarious if you think we should believe that. You're a salesman at heart. Doing anything to make money

Johann Sebastian-Wilson's picture

*Yawns* Another loser with self esteem issues, a chip on the shoulder, lookin for somebody to blame for the mess their life is in. Women that are genuinely happy in a relatonship, DON'T cheat, simple as that. Either you were a lousy Boyfriend and weren't giving her what wanted/needed, or she wasn't genuinely committed to the relationship. Either way, you need to analyze what happened, and deal with it. Your insecurity comes through big time in that post. By your own admission, nobody how much your GF tells you she loves you, you fear her cheating or leaving. That kind of insecurity will drive her away from you, and make her more susceptible to a self confident secure Guy that will walk off with her. If it was a situation where your Ex wasn't truly wholly committed to the relationship and cheated, hey bro that's rough, My ex Wife cheated on me, it happens. Sometimes life ain't fair, no matter how much you want it to be. You whiny "Nice/Good Guys" get so hung up on life bein fair, and insist it SHOULD be fair. Well get over it, it ain't fair. The world don't owe you shit, nobody owes you shit, especially Women. Man up, grow a set, deal with your self confidence issues, seek help for them, become the kinda Guy she won't wanna leave, no matter how many Guys try to get between the two of you. The trouble for pussy, emotionally stunted "Nice Guys" like you, is that the real world ain't fair, and you can't cope with that. No matter what your Sunday School Teacher tried to tell you as a Kid, the meek most certainly DON'T inherit the earth, and not the attractive WSomen on it either

asdasd's picture

Wanting good doesnt mean, theres no self condifence, a good person can be confident too, but some people dont want girls who cheat and some people try to be fair even if world aint fair, because thats what everyone should do, to get a better world and piece, respecting each other, being honest and punishing bad acts. You know, Hitler wasnt even that bad, some people are worse today and they dont even acknowledge It, thats the disgusting thing. If life aint fair with me, then I am going bad boy stealing gfs cuz who cares. You know, selfishness is evil and is nothing to be proud of.

Rassia's picture

On behalf of women everywhere who are accused of being disloyal for leaving a situation that isn't right for them, thank you for this viewpoint.

LR's picture

Truth is there's way more single men out there than there are women and chances are, every girl you meet will either be in a relationship, engaged, or married. So there's plenty of competition with other men, even here in America and in foreign countries. Because we kill more female babies on average.

Anonymous's picture

I'm chasing a girl right now who's into me, and flirted with me behind her boyfriend's back, why she does this, I don't know, and when I say behind his back, I mean literally...

All I know is, he's not making her happy, she likes me, and I like her. So I'm going to pursue.

The other guy actually is pretty cool, but he obviously is doing something wrong, should I just ditch the chance to get to know this girl who really has my interest, just to spare his feelings? No. Sure I'll feel like a little bit of a dick, but hey, that's the game, don't hate the player...

Anonymous's picture


Your EX as well as the other guy knew you were a schmuck who would respond just the way you did. YOU saw knew it.....and you responded correctly......for them! The sad part is you think he is COOL...LOL! They both need their ass kicked. But the best thing you could have done is simply turn and walk away and find someone else. Its guys like you who make it easy pickings for the sharks.

I love this site! It is reality...women can NOT control their emotions. With the right tools and mindset anyone will be in bed with a woman tonight! I have tried the advice and it works. The girl doesnt even have to like!

THANX for this website!


Anonymous's picture

I found this article very good, and would like to thank you. I fell for a girl , but obviously I'm here because she has a boyfriend. but obviously his not the dream man to be with as she confesed to me that she also likes me , and the thing that holds her back is her boyfriend.... she is been knowing like about 8 months but started goind out like only 3 months ago. this makes me think she's not really that into him. she said she also feels a strong connection with me that she never had before with no guy, and I mean that should mean something... I put a lot of effort into making a "relation" with her, but I loved the idea of the sprezzatura rule". she asked me also to try going out with other girls if I like do so , though she said that that will make her jelous , I shouldn't keep waiting for her, because she dosen't me to suffer. but I feel she's not that happy with that guy...many people told me to let go and move on, but why should I let go, why? just because that guy came before me? huh, I feel she is special and might be the ONE... so I think to follow the advice of this post /article and see what happens. and I agree with what you're saying regarding the thing that very often is the man who dosen't follow his woman's interest and needs, and when lose her he blames everyone expect him self...
can you also give me some advice... thx

max's picture

wow! the chase vs annus is awesome..i was starting to wonder if annus is actually chase giving himself a foe to explore the thoughts in his own mind and expand his own ever evolving theories further.. either way its awesome!! brainiac(s).. consider THIS- Using your intelect / brain as a way of solving/finding happiness in your own self s still connected to the happiness of those around you..what is happiness? Good vs evil? I could write you a lifetime of words on this alone, but the argument is very simple indeed...Another perspective on this, is this... If you were to cut yourself accidently or not ,you are normally hurt and repelled from that which cut you? So what it would seem happens in cause and effect is ,emotional and physical!!!!!!!!!! To seperate the two is insanity ...compartmentalising behaviours that needn't be only to 'evolve' to another level of percieved existance and perceived reality... What im getting at is that we humans are very basic in so far as our needs and is all living things and those or that considered dead.. we require what sustains us to evolve and survive .. If i have empathy and i cut you ,i hurt myself..if i have no empathy and i cut you i hurt you alone? WRONG !.. Haaa haaa Wake up!! I will now Explain to you Chase and Annus what is really going on... The Universe and all that is in it is one and the same ,all that is in the universe is the universe ! You are me and I am you ! You are hurt , I am hurt... I am hurt, you are hurt.. I hurt you, I hurt me ..and so on.. Consider this when considering your actions and then applying this consideration in your action will bring you happiness... Remember YOU and I are actually YOU ... If you are feeling physically/mentally (same thing !) unwell or repulsed from your actions then i would suggest doing the opposite..

Nah's picture

Sorry Chase, everything you said there holds absolutely no water. None at all. You speaking in a language and tone of voice that would suggest you're saying something wise and meaningful but really the things you're saying are just shallow and childish. In fact, I couldn't imagine a more shallow outlook on cheating if I tried.

You're essentially putting the blame on Annus' shoulders. You're implying that the fact that his woman cheated on him has something to do with his behavior. And you know nothing about his situation or the reasons for his girlfriend's liaison. While there are times when a man can behave in such a way that would drive a woman to cheat, most of the time it has nothing to do with him. It has everything to do with her. He could have been the best boyfriend in the world for all you know. He could have been handsome, mysterious, talented, successful, etc. and she still may have cheated on him.

The fact is that a man shouldn't have to be anything but himself to maintain a relationship with a woman. He shouldn't have to put on any airs to keep her interested. And if he does have to put on airs and go out of his way to be attractive, then the relationship is simply not a good one and it is not built on solid ground.

If you're taking care of what you care of in life and treating you're girlfriend with love and respect then her cheating has EVERYTHING to do with her and NOTHING to do with you.

Your job in this world is to help men and their relationships with women and I regret to inform you, Chase, that you are woefully inept at that job if this is the kind of advice you are going to give. It is the exact opposite of what should have been said.

The fact is that cheating is just a really immature thing to do and it is always morally wrong no matter how you look at it. As adults, it's our responsibility to communicate with each other. And if there's a problem in the relationship or someone is starting to have feelings for someone else, the responsible thing to do is talk to your partner about it. That's what adults do and there's no excuse. And if the woman fails to acknowledge this basic tenant of human decency and respect than it says alot about the kind of person she is. It says nothing about how good of a boyfriend the guy is, how attractive he is, how successful he is.

It took me a long time to realize this but once I ended up with a beautiful woman who loved and respected me I realized that it was because I love and respected myself. And men who love and respect themselves don't blame themselves for some stupid whore's problems.

It seems like you need some lessons on this area, Chase.

Anonymous's picture

I think Anon was more of a bad debater and Chase is good at making it look like he knows his shit when he talks even if he doesn't.

The situation is this: In Evolution, conflict and competition is costly. Ethics exist in human societies to minimise conflict and their costs. Whether they are legal or moral laws, both serve to alleviate the amount of harm that comes from warring countries, religions or even two guys competing for the same woman.

If we follow what Chase said, it's simple: survival of the fittest, period point blank. Then what happens when the boyfriend who got cheated on follows this logic and decides to beat the shit out of said guys with 'game' (pua from now on)? PUA gets beat up, he says survival of the fittest and competes even more. Then what you have is two grown men killing each other over a woman who could have been just confused or is weak minded and is easily deterred or worse she isn't even worthy to wear the label of a woman. And the world loses two perfectly functioning people because 'it's all about survival of the fittest'. And because thousands of men are reading this, imagine the free-for-all literal WAR that will come as a result.

The problem with Chase's thinking is the same as with today's contemporary indinvidualistic mindset. Break the status quo, take what you want, fuck the weak, circle of life, hakuna matata. The underdog is praised to point where he is now the problem. The anarchist view Chase takes is worrying at best.

Ethics were created to bring us out of the dark ages, to remove the constant 'need for competition' and allow people to live in relationships without constantly looking over their shoulders for one of us guys with 'game' trying to steal their girls.

Being someone who also studied game (I don't claim to be a master or anything), I have had thougts about getting with attached women and like anyone with game and presence have had attached women almost literally throw themselves at me. And I didn't do it. Not because of ethics, or mine or anyone else's feelings, I did it exactly because of what Chase said in one of his comments, I was being the superior one taking care of the emotions of the less dominant ones, men and women.

If you really were a true boss like you say you are Chase, this post would have gone like: 'How to get a woman who has a boyfriend? You don't. You have the tools to get single women and to find the same type of woman the attached girl is. You don't need to break them up, because with all the PUA skills, you go daygaming for a day or two and will likely find a girl similar in looks/personality or whatever reason you like that girl for.'

...and yet you helped the needy ones, the jealous ones with menvy, or the self-absorbed manlets who just want to hurt other men. In fact this post makes you look like a weak little scared man who is desperately trying to heal your weak little ego by getting other guy's girls. A real boss doesn't need to go for attached women, case in point.

Once again, Chase, you might beat a lot of guys with your 'game' and there is no denying that, you should teach it, more power to you. But it is clear that when it comes to being a real leader of the pack, a genuine man and the real boss you aim to be and looking out for your people, you have very little strength of mind to stand on other than your game. I suggest you start blaming your selfishness and greed on 'Hakuna Matata' and redefine your values and what legacy you want to leave behind.

Don the ex-reader.

Joseph Z's picture

Dude, you are in a website called "Girls Chase" with tips and tricks like "How to get a girl", "How to break the ice" etc. I think it already gives you a basic idea of who the writer and the readers are - they chase girls. They define human relationships as a game. How ethical is that? It's a game they play following the rules of our modern capitalistic world where women (and men) are considered as "objects" that you can manipulate - do this to make her horny, do that to make her sad, do this to make her lonely etc. You think that this is ethical? You who already played this game and also share the values of the game...

My point of view is that Chase knows his shit and is playing the game like the bad boss of capitalism. As for you, you are contradicting yourself and most probably don't really know what your actual values are.

huy pham's picture

love me or leave me. I will let my girl decide. If I'm no longer her desire then fine she's free to go.
survival of the fittest. you don't own your girlfriend. no matter how much money, effort or love you put into your relationship you cannot expect anything from your girlfriend. you do it because you want to do it. be a man. stop bitching.

Ray Jazz's picture

"I wasn't mad at him. Why should I be mad at this other guy when it was MY GIRLFRIEND who got together with HIM?"

This is pretty muddled. On the one hand you claim that it's all the girl's fault so you can't be mad at the guy. Then on the other hand you claim in the article that women don't really know what they want and "seducers" can manipulate them into giving out sex.

We can at least be honest about it. You think it's fine to cheat with someone because you care more about what makes you feel good than how someone else might feel about it. There are a lot of people like that actually. They tend to end up with no friends after a while because everyone regards them as self-centred douchebags.

Ultimately there's more to life than how many inconsequential short-term flings you can have so you might want to rethink your approach, especially when you get older.

Anonymous's picture

I know a couple I want them to breakup he is using her and I can't stand it she deserves better even if it destroys him

Anonymous's picture

it sounds like you are experiencing white knight syndrome, check out the article

~Madlibs's picture

Oh someone slept with ur girl? it was probably me. but either way shut up, this was the best thing I've read all morning... its only 2.
also he said at the beginning if a girl really wants you shes not going with some other dude. which means if she slept with me then u obviously didn't catch her fancy.

Anonymous's picture

Stop being a puss, fuck that shyt these hoes is supposed to get fucked, do yourself a favor ditch the bitch and take the mans advice.

Kristen's picture

Trust me, if the thought of another man being attracted to your woman even enters her brain in a negative way, she isn't worth keeping. (I believe he mentioned that in the very beginning). You want to be in a long term relationship with a girl that is with out a doubt yours and maybe even continues to remind you of it. There are going to be men hitting on your woman whether she is attracted to them or not, it is up to her to show you what kind of person she is by acting/not acting on it. He is simply saying that there are ways to get the ones that aren't worth keeping. Does your girlfriend give you any reason to believe she would do these things? (Putting your past aside)

Starbuck's picture

Nope bro.

She's the reason. Perhaps with a little of you sprinkled in as well.

Blaming Chase for your troubles is sort of like blaming a fireman for telling you your house is on fire.

It's sort of like the old saying, if the right man comes along any woman will have sex outside of their primary relationship. I find this true in about 95% of cases. Some women wont for various reasons. But I have a secret to tell you. It's also true of men as well. And if you think it isn't true, you should travel more and type less.

My advice? If you want top notch women. You must expect them to be in demand. And your chances of keeping them corralled for the long term are at best about 50/50. The other option? Find you an intelligent 5 or 6 that makes a killing and she'll stick your side like glue. Then you too will have time to enjoy the finer things in life. On the side.

DAve's picture

Dude, this could honestly happen at any moment with any girl. It doesn't matter that the last girl cheated on you or not, that does not increase the odds of your current girlfriend cheating on you. Okay so what if she does? You get up, you clean off the dust from you, you keep walking and moving forward. There's plenty of other woman out there. I've learned that the hard way and now life is so much easier lol, she cheats, shes gone and look for the next one.

Don't deprive yourself from trusting another being, but then again, its not something that should give you a burden. If you don't trust then you are not ready for a relationship. You will be ready when 1) You have full capability to trust. 2) You don't care if they cheat or not.

Cheer up, life goes on :)

Waderade's picture

EXCELLENT ARTICLE! Thank you, this is very helpful. It's true, a woman will always be chased by men and you must know when you are choosing wisely or wasting both of your time....

Anonymous's picture

If your girl can be so easilly taken by some-one else, doesn't that show that she doesn't actually like you. And if you are worried about her leaving you, you need to trust her more. Isn't the whole point of being with some-one is to make them happy, and if shes happier with someone else and not you, then isn't a girl allowed to make herself happy?

The only reason you could use this method is if she isn't happy in her relationship, if she is, and you are, then you'll be together happily

huy pham's picture

don't hate the players dude. hate the game.
a girl who already got a boy friend? there are lots of shit in this world which scare me more than that.
a man will date any girl he like, fat girl, skinny girl, beautiful girl, ugly girl, smart girl, stupid girl, white girl, black girl, single girl, taken girl,... as long as that is the girl he likes.
man up and stop bitching.

Cody's picture

I know this is old but if anyone else comes across this guys post and feels this way, YOUR A TOOL BRAINWASHED AND OBVIOUSLY!!! Learned nothing and spent the whole time feeling sorry for yourself, u should be learning,and I know, you are never 100% safe with any girl EVER!! If u really went through that with your ex and all u got out of it was get mad at the guy u got cheated on with,your a lost blind fool, there is no help for u until you wake up to reality, my daughter's mom of 10 years in a relationship, finally started banging her boss, but only after trying for a whole decade to do everything she could to make me see what I had, which sadly was just never gonna happen till I didn't have her, but u see she wasn't trying to show me this, cause she was communicationally retarded, and couldn't just come out and say what she wanted,instead she I guess figured I read minds, anyways the more of a nice guy u are, oh and I'll bet my left nut your a way super nice polite guy, truth is being that way u need to just stay as far away from relationships as u can get, cause women cheat homie even the best woman, they are after all humans and to hold them up as anything more makes you tool #1,

Derrick's picture

"This: The most annoying situation you'll encounter when a girl has a boyfriend is the one where said girl's not going to do anything at all with you... except waste your time, and potentially other things, too (such as: effort, emotions, money) if you aren't careful. Look out for these girls, or you might get sucked into a black hole where you're chasing after a girl, and eventually even perhaps can't stop thinking about her and start falling for her, while she's busily shacking up with that silly boyfriend you thought you could outfox.
Many a daring man has been lost to falling for a girl with a boyfriend he can't convince her to leave."

Basically, this was me. I obsessed over the same girl for 2 years, only recently reaching the point where I will never contact her again.

I have no problem with getting with girls in a relationship. If a girl is dating a guy but still goes with me, that's cool. I don't follow the "Man laws", I follow a much simpler moral code: I don't mess with a girl in a relationship with someone who I know and feel is cool or that I respect.

That said, all these tactics and techniques are really counter-productive for inexperience guys like me, because this particular topic always gave me hope that somehow I could turn things my way. Even if you can do this, is it really worth the work? It's one thing if you approach a girl and once you start making out with her on the cab ride home she brings it up, and another to try and convert her over to you. I guess it can be done, but couldn't the energy and time required be better used on meeting another girl?

Chase Amante's picture

Hey Derrick,

You and I have a similar ethical code. Messing with friends' girlfriends is where I draw the line too. I've been around guys who don't follow this rule, and it's way sketchy. It's common for girls to be attracted to your friends, as you'll tend to have similarly attractive friends to you and you confer automatic value and trust upon them simply by being their friend. Guys that don't rein themselves in here run out of friends pretty fast. (Girls can run into similar ethical problems - actually, it usually seems worse for women than it is for men... many women have few qualms about taking a friend's man. High quality men are rarer than high quality women, and competition among women for these men is FIERCE. Good to be the king, I suppose... not so easy to be the queen)

Gauging whether to go for an attached or an unattached women can be a tough call. A few advantages of attached women:

  • They're more decisive about fast hook ups - they either want them or don't (single women are trying to decide between their short term and long term urges - do I want him as a fast mate, or as a long-term boyfriend candidate? Attached women don't have this same internal debate to go through)

  • They're typically less drama, unless you get into a position where she's assessing you as a replacement boyfriend

  • You'll have an easier time finding an open, high sex drive attached woman (if you want that), as most attached women not in this category don't go out as much and are far less likely to stray

I'll flirt with attached women and see how flirty they are, and I'll see if they'll move around with me a bit and invest. I usually won't ask much about the boyfriend. If the girl talks about the boyfriend a LOT, I leave it alone - first, because she's more likely to not be open to us getting together, and second, because if she talks about him that much he's clearly an important part of her life and I don't want to interfere. It's only if she marginalizes him or clearly doesn't have much consideration for him that I'll move forward with her, both for practical and for ethical reasons.

So I'd say this:

If you can find attached women who are clearly into you and won't be much work and they hardly mention the boyfriend and treat him as if he's not really an important person to them, go ahead and move forward with them and you may even find them easier to take as lovers or girlfriends than single women. If they talk about the boyfriend a lot or seem closed off, they're going to take up a lot of time and not give much back.


John B.'s picture

Thank you for the amazing post, Chase.

---First, I'm sorry for those odd comments here. If they don't like it, or being miserable, they can leave us alone. ---

This is quite long, but I hope people here could also learn from my lesson.

I have run into many situations that girls UNCONCIOUSLY bring up their boyfriend during the conversation, which I don't understand what goes on, or she likes me or not?

One of the most common scenarios I encounter is: we are talking about something that she likes to do, then she says: "oh, wow. My boyfriend and I do that all the time." or when I ask her why she works for CITI bank, then she says her boyfriend's mom brought her in...
HOWEVER, those are not major parts of the conversation, but the statement is so doubtful in my mind. People say if they really like you, they will not bring up their ex. or current relationship into the conversation. How do you interpret this, Chase?

Also, what if those girls are super nice but not that into you, are they teasers? I just happened to me yesterday, and I don't mind sharing this story: There's that girl l got out for exam review, and then grabbed her to a coffee shop. We had OK conversation despite I'm a beginner, though I would grade it 40% because I gave up quite a few of my values. She was pretty compliant to share a lot about her life, and told me that she would be free to come out again the next day (yesterday). I texted her that night to say "nice conversation with you", and she replied "ya, I agree". I took it as green light to schedule a date, then no reply (she is a very kind girl and replied all my messages before). I sort of knew she wasn't that interested, but I still gave it a shot to send another message to insist. She replied" Hi, John.I need to help my dad clean his shed, and then I have a "LUNCH DATE" at 2. I might have some time in late afternoon". I told her a time, but she never replied till now, not to mention showing up...

My thoughts: she is super nice girl who does not hurt anyone's feeling. Unlike most other girls who reject me right away, she kept replying my messages at the beginning, (but short, does it indicate something)? This is what almost dragged me into the blackhole, thank god, I pushed her to make a statement early then pulled out as quick as I could.

What should we do, Chase? Is that important to find out their status on the first interaction? I don't often ask a girl "are you single" like Ricardus, or should I? in order to wipe out the uncertainty and confusion immediately.

By the way, I was trying so hard to learn the "law of least effort" in my class last term, but it turned out people feeling that I'm like a dick. It's part of the progress, I understand. Yet, I wonder if I am so much of a "strong silent" type, how could people even get to notice me? Like, should I talk a lot, or should I just be a "lazy male lion" when doing group wok (that does sound like a dick, even to myself)?

I appreciate if you have some time to reply my post, Chase :-)

Anyways, you've done an excellent job here, Chase. I wish this blog can stay and inspire more and more people like me.

Thank you.


Chase Amante's picture

Hey John,

With the "casual boyfriend reference," you'll tend to get this from girls hinting that they don't want you to get the wrong idea / they're not interested. You'll also sometimes get this from girls trying to test you. Usually this is if you came across a bit nervous or stayed a little too long, OR if you don't have a sexual vibe down yet and it isn't really clear to women what you want, so feels awkward. Normally when you get this, I'd recommend ending the conversation almost immediately after (politely, of course), and then heading elsewhere. Sometimes it's just over; sometimes the girl will try to get your attention again. That's how you separate out the ones who legitimately were trying to wave you off from the ones who were just trying to see how you'd respond (by calling their bluffs).

"Lunch date" - you've got to remember "lunch date" doesn't mean "formal date." She could have a lunch date with her girlfriend or boss. "I might have some time in the late afternoon" is a "I was interested, but now I'm losing interest," which you don't want - you want strong interest or none at all. Something like that you reply with a, "Hey, if you're tired or short on time, let's just do it a different time then." If she's interested she'll step up and insist, or try to reschedule right then, and her interest goes up; if she isn't, it'll die then and there and you can move on.

Being a dick - don't worry, that's part of the natural progression most guys go through. They start out being too nice, then become too much of a dick. Many guys park here and figure being a dick is the ultimate place to be socially, but you know that's not it. So you keep working on it, toning it back down - maybe you go a little too far and become too nice again, but now you can tell where you rate more and more easily. Eventually you get to the happy medium where you're confident and self-assured but not overly a dick, and no one calls you a dick anymore.

Sounds like you're working hard and making steady progress. Keep at it - more will follow.

Cheers man,

LR's picture

High quality women are rarer compared to men and there is competition among men for these women because women are objects and prizes.

AR's picture

Chase, I always wondered what exactly your view was about sleeping with women in committed relationships. I'm so glad I read this post because even though I don't agree with most of the things in it, I understand where you're coming from. Like Annus, I choose to steer clear of women in committed relationships because that's a choice they made and commitment is so important to me (in almost ALL aspects of life). However, I realize it's on ME to make sure she stays. If she chooses someone else, then I guess she just saved me the time of figuring out if a long term relationship will work with her.

It was a good post, and definitely something I'll be thinking about. And I'm glad to have a deeper understanding of your values. :)

Chase Amante's picture

Howdy AR,

I understand, and glad the post gave you some food for thought.

One thing I'd add on commitment: what a lot of people do is they take their worldview and values and assume that everyone else's versions of those views and values is similar to or the same as theirs. Therefore, if commitment is incredibly important to you, you assume that any woman in a committed relationship similarly holds commitment in high regard.

In fact, that usually won't be the case. You're going to meet women for whom commitment is even more serious than it is for you, and women for whom commitment is far less of a big deal. You'll probably even meet women who'll tell you they have a boyfriend, but will laugh it off if you tell them they're in a committed relationship. There's a lot more range and flexibility in both the relationships you'll encounter out there and the women having them than you might believe.

But I get your choice, and I think what it mostly comes down to when the focus is on "respecting commitment" is that you don't want yourself to be someone who is interfering in what may potentially be a committed situation (or may not be... often, it's impossible to know), and that's a totally acceptable place to be.


Anonymous's picture

Hi, Chase.
This is a great post.
Recently I moved to a small town for some training, and I have noticed that most girls here are taken.
After reading this post, I think I have gained some solid knowledge on how to deal with this problem.

But, how do I know whether the girl loves her boyfriend or not? Are there any indications that I can pick up from the conversations?
Because, of course, I don't want to hurt them...

Thank you.

Chase Amante's picture

Hey Lance,

Sure. A girl who's in love will mention her boyfriend to you. She'll also talk highly of him when she does speak about him, and never dismissively or rudely. She'll be excited to have the chance to tell you about him if she gets it, and won't want to avoid the topic.

A girl who isn't in love and wants things to move forward with you usually won't mention her boyfriend, although occasionally she'll use it to see if you're tough and can handle her. She might brag about her boyfriend, but she'll do it in a "Ha, so there!" sort of way and not a "Isn't he wonderful?" sort of way like a girl who's in love will.

Those are just a few things to get you started but should help in separating the girls who really love their boyfriends out from the ones who are only with the guy as a placeholder until they meet someone they really click with (as is often the case with women - many women will get into a relationship not because they love a guy, but because they don't want the social status hit that comes from being single too long - those are the girls you want to meet, not the ones who think their boyfriends are Mr. Wonderful!).


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