Girl Has a Boyfriend? 3 Things to Do, and 7 Things NOT to | Page 2 | Girls Chase

Girl Has a Boyfriend? 3 Things to Do, and 7 Things NOT to

Chase Amante

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girl has a boyfriendI've been with my fair share of "attached" women before - that's girls with boyfriends and girls with husbands. As I've mentioned before, the way I see it, there's always some guy, SOMEWHERE who's going to be angry you're sleeping with a girl - whether he's her boyfriend, her ex-boyfriend, her husband, or just some guy who's already "called dibs" on her and you moved faster, it doesn't matter - somebody somewhere is upset that you're with "his" girl. So you can either spend time worrying if some man you don't know will have his feelings hurt if you sleep with a woman who wants you, or you can sleep with a woman who wants you and figure that if someone is upset about her for sleeping with someone else, well, that's between that person and her.

And if she was REALLY his, there's not a thing you could've done to get her... trust me.

By the same coin, it doesn't bother me a lick when men are trying to get a girl *I'm* seeing. If you're dating a beautiful girl, men will want her, and men will try to get her. More power to them for trying. And hey, if she DOES give you the slip for some other cat, you can take that as strong evidence that either you weren't doing things right with her, or she wasn't the kind of girl who believes much in loyalty and fidelity, or you're dealing with some combination thereof (usually it's some combination thereof).

Lately though, I've been seeing some pretty lame attempts by men trying to get my girlfriend. And it's made me (and my girlfriend) realize: most men have no idea what to do when a girl has a boyfriend and they like her.

In an effort to stem the tide of lame attempts men make to get girls with boyfriends, I've put together a list here of the top 3 things TO do, and the top 7 things NOT to do when you're trying to get a girl who's got a guy. After reading this list you will, I hope, be in a much better position to avoid making these mistakes - and avoid ending up in time-wasting or worse situations with attached women, too.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his One Date System.

GET CHASE’S ONE DATE SYSTEM

Comments

Anonymous's picture

Chase, I agree with the two types of girls that you mentioned.

The one who discusses her boyfriend in a "ha! so there" kind of way compared to the one that's full of admiration. However, I've met a girl that challenges the two binaries through being both testing of toughness and also being in admiration for the boyfriend.

For example, I took her to the most expensive dinning area, where she had that challenging look her eye when I splashed out on her as if to say "you know I got a boyfriend," but without wanting to even mention him. Later, she gave me a cheeky smile as though she enjoyed me making so much effort, and I define myself as an Alpha. I look good, make money and work on a submarine.

Another time, we were sitting in a bar, discussing Europe. She had an expression on her face and mentioned that she missed Eastern Europe (where she is from), and that her boyfriend is Eastern European and knows how to dress well. The expression and tone of voice was in full admiration of him. Her alpha of a boyfriend has been away for about a year in prison, and she's on the outside.

She talks super sweet and feminine, and I know that she wants to have nice things in her life and does have a domestic side when she's not busy at university.

I doubt any relationship expert could clarify the depths of the unknown in this woman's mind. What would you make of this from your experiences?

Al's picture

Hi Chase

Useful post. The majority of girls I meet these days seem to have boyfriends - so as much as I'd prefer to pursue single girls, I probably needed something like this.

One thing I STILL don't get though is the distinction between chasing and being persistent. For example, I'm not sure why you don't consider the example conversation above to be 'chasing.' I think you did address this in the comments section of another post, but even after that explanation I was left feeling confused. Apologies if I'm just being dense here. I do think this is an important point though - potentially worthy of a post in its own right.

Cheers
Al

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey Al,

Yeah, that's a good topic idea for a post. No guarantees I'll get one up on it, but if I think of it over the next few weeks I'll see if I can.

Quick run down: the relationship between chasing and persistence is similar to that of squares and rectangles. e.g., all squares are rectangles, but not all rectangles are squares. Similarly, all chasing is persistence, but not all persistence is chasing.

You might define chasing as imbalanced persistence - the pursuer is putting in an overly large and ever-expanding amount of effort with ever-shrinking odds of success.

For instance, asking a girl you've just met several times to accompany you is persistence. However, if you start making increasingly desperate overtures and concessions to get her to say yes, you've veered into chasing.

Or, periodically flirting with a girl you repeatedly run into, despite her regularly laughing and telling you she has a boyfriend - standard persistence. Texting her, asking her, "Why??," bothering her and annoying her - chasing.

You can think of non-chasing persistence as something that doesn't take much effort on your part, and is attractive to the woman - she laughs, she enjoys it, and you can tell she's finding you more attractive, more manly, and more dominant for doing it.

You can think of chasing as something that's taking up increasing effort from you, and is off-putting to the woman - she's disgusted, resents it, and tries to get away from it, and you can tell she's losing respect and attraction for you and seeing you as more desperate and less confident and less successful.

Thus, non-chasing persistence actually helps attraction and ups your odds, while chasing harms attraction and reduces them. Guard against chasing, and realize it's better to let a girl now and run into her later if the only choices are chase her or let her go.

Chase

Al's picture

Chase

Thanks for the reply. So if I understand correctly, chasing is essentially persistence taken too far. You're expending a lot of energy for little return or prospect of a return.

I think I realise now why repeatedly asking a girl to move with you - as in your example - doesn't overstep the mark:

1) Persisting in this way takes up only around 30 seconds of your time. 2) As far as the girl can tell, you're not expending much emotional energy. There's no reason to suspect you'll be up all night thinking about her. 3) There's probably a decent chance that she'll end up agreeing 4) The potential rewards justify a moderate amount of effort.

It's interesting that you mentioned texting as a danger area. I don’t know why, but distance communication instinctively feels more like chasing than face to face.

Thinking about it though, the problem might just be with re-initiating contact in general. I agree with you that once you’re in a given interaction, a high level of persistence is fair game. But when you repeatedly re-initiate contact - or try to – that’s when an unproductive ‘chasing’ dynamic seems to develop. Definitely a good reason to push things as far as possible before you part ways!

This is also why I like Ricardus’ “Hi X, this is Y…save my number” text so much. (Although I personally stick a smiley face on the end). The text does move things forward, but it’s almost like you’re not re-initiating at all. You aren’t asking any questions, you aren’t trying to set up a date and you aren’t trying to start a conversation. However, the text also seems to ‘bait’ women into starting an interaction with you. I’ve found that ‘hey Y, how’s your day going?’ is a pretty typical response. So even though you sent the first text, it doesn’t feel like you’re the one in pursuit.

Hopefully that adds something. It’d be great if you do manage to get a full post up on this. If not, well, your explanation above has definitely helped clarify things!

Btw, I notice your number of facebook 'likes' is skyrocketing at the moment. Unless I'm going mad, it was only about 300 last time I came here. Nice one. How have you managed that?

Cheers

Al

Dan A's picture

Hello Chase, I'm new to your site, and I love your interesting topics and analytical insights. I've read through several posts over the past 72 hours or so, and I thought that in one of the older ones focused on closing you said something to the effect of it taking 2 hours or trying to escalate a girl because she had a boyfriend she really loved. Were you unaware, or have your views simply evolved since then? This issue is a gray area for me, and I'm still trying to be able to more readily discern really in love versus really secure/attached. Anyway thanks, and love your work! -dan

Woman's picture

Hi, and thanks for the post.

I don't know if this is relevant, but there are also some women (and men, naturally) who have an open relationship, i.e. they have a boyfriend but have mutually agreed they can also have other people as lovers. I am a married woman living in a relationship like that. I don't know how common this is but anyway.

If you met a woman like me, I think the reason for mentioning the husband/boyfriend could be that she's trying to get a chance to tell you about this. First, she'll tell you she has a man, then, she'll tell you it doesn't matter. :) And she has to tell you this because she would feel guilty and insecure if you didn't know. She wants to make sure that you're both after the same thing, so she won't feel she's being dishonest with you... which sounds very ethical of course, but actually I think it's more about a personal need to feel accepted. If you accept her way of being in a relationship (and still want to sleep with her), that means you understand her, which means she'll relax in your company, which means she'll want to sleep with you too. :)

Still one point on ethics: for my part, I don't think I'd easily give in to a man who's telling me he'd sleep with another man's girlfriend. ("It's ok, your bf will never know!") It's funny, because there have been situations where a man knows that I'm married, but DOESN'T know about the open relationship, and he's trying to seduce me telling me things like this, and I've got mad and turned him off, even if, in principle, I might have said yes. And very likely would have said yes, too, had the approach been different. But, in general, I don't feel good about cheating. I don't mean to judge here, I'm just saying that if someone's openly suggesting cheating, I don't find him attractive. Maybe that's because I have strong feelings for my husband and I don't like the idea that some other man is not respecting him. Or maybe it's just because I would feel like he's not respecting ME. I don't know. Still, some other kind of approach might work better with me.

But then again, I guess women like me are a small minority, and I really don't know what are the chances of running into one of us anyway. :) Have you met any?

Tasty's picture

First off, You certainly have some experience with women as much of what you say on how to make women like you, seems fairly accurate.

The girl I have became fond off is similar to a few categories, but is also different in its own right( as I am sure with most women).

First off, she is friends with the same group of my friends, but less then I am. She certainly seems interested in me, may not be romantic but she enjoys me as a person. I have not pressed any real charm to woo her to see past that. She may still "love" her boyfriend, but she certainly isn't happy with him.

Now I don't want to sleep with her, while she has a boyfriend, that is not my style and I may hear it from my friends. However, I do want to be charming and explain my interest in her. Is that a good idea? Or is it best to hold out for another day when she is single, and get the ball rolling instead of a simple gesture.

Rabbit's picture

I know it has been 3 years since you posted this. I'm interested to know how did it go at the end for you? because I'm having an exact situation as you had from this post.

Mayhem's picture

Hey Chase,
First of all I'd like to congratulate you on your spectacular blog!
Very easily understandable, applicable and plain down-to-earth information...
(and this is coming frrom a guy who has read many PU related material)

This article specifically intrigued me because right now I'm after a girl who is in a relationship... Let's put the ethics aside for a moment, I read your "debate" with one of the commenters above, and I agree with your side of the argument. Truth is, if you have a woman who is sought after, there will always be someone who wants her, it's up to you to keep her with you, or if she's the "wandering" kind, then you just screwed up in thinking she would be yours forever...

Anyway, this girl is in the periphery of my social circle, friend of a friend, so I rarely see her. But I've been contacting her almost on a weekly basis for a few months via text message or Skype... I now think this is a mistake.
I really don't know how to classify her, she's either a tease or a green light.
She very rarely talks about her boyfriend, and usually changes the subject when it is brought up. I've already expressed interest pretty clearly and have tried to set up dates more than once, she usually agrees, and then cancels at the last minute (she usually goes out of town on the weekends and often only knows about it a few days prior, so it isn't easy to set up a date when both of us are free)

Now I'm up to the point where I'm thinking it's best to just let her go, and stop persisting, but in the back of my mind I think she just needs a little push. I think if I can get her to go out with me, I can make things happen, but at the same time I don't want to seem needy...
Keep in mind that at the same time I'm dating other girls, but am clearly focusing my mental efforts on this one, which is also not good.

Based on the information I gave you, what do you suggest?
Hopefully I'm not late to this post, seems that the last time you replied was a couple of weeks ago...

Thanks anyway!

Ed's picture

Chase

What about when you were dating someone who goes cold on you (you dont know the reason). Is periodically texting her and trying to get an interaction going/ date arranged chasing or persistence?

Or does it depend on the context?

Thanks in advance

Fibbie's picture

Hey Chase,

So I have this friend that I've loved for 3 years, we didn't talk much at first but later on we started to talk and text all the time and I eventually got into the friend zone. We sang on the phone together, she gave me and told me important stuff she'd never tell anyone. She could've been my girlfriend if I asked her out but I was too scared. Eventually it was too late to ask her out on a date and this other dude asked her out and they've been dating since May 12th but they see each other and hang out once in awhile. I suspect they talk to each other all the time however your advice was quite true about the attention seekers. She used to always come to me whenever she was bored and I guess she saw me more as a friend but something inside of me says that she had feelings for me once and now we have 2 classes together at school. Her boyfriend goes to a different school from her and is in a different county, however I see her twice a week in college (dual enrolling - taking high school and college at the same time) and she sees me but we never talk in person. I think she's in the honeymoon phase with her boyfriend because she never talks or texts me anymore and isn't that close in person, however one day she took me out to go to McDonalds drive thru to eat (she was driving) and her boyfriend called on the phone and she told me to be quiet or else he would get mad because of another guy with her. But anyway all of this has changed, we don't talk anymore and she only talks to him I think and I feel as if our friendship is drifting away but she texted me finally today and just asked me if I was okay but it had no smiley faces or anything. I know I can't force her to like or care for me but should I just lay it low in class (she sits next to me) and just ignore her until she misses me or something bad happens to her boyfriend and her or should I just keep it low and be super happy and talk to all of my other friends and whenever I talk to her I'm just quiet and still caring but not as talkative? Should I get her gifts for her birthday or try to gain back her trust or not? Because I got jealous once and took a picture of all her boyfriends wallposts on Facebook and sent it to her and she ended up blocking me from everything except texting and calling and I kinda pulled a suicide threat cause she didn't talk to me for attention but she forgave me from all of that stuff. It's just the times I wanted to talk to her she wasn't there and when we argued she would isolate herself instead of talk out our problems. What should I do? Thanks for all of your help and your advice is really good!

All the Best,

-V

Trix's picture

Hi,

I've read many of your posts, they are truly interesting!!!

What I would like to know is, could you use the same approach if the situation is the oposit? I meet a man who already has a girlfriend?

I follow my feelings, he seams to have them as well, but he never talks about his relationship or anything close to it...

We have an awesome connection and the level of texting is mind blowing... But we haven't been more intimate then kissing several times. Going on for the last 5 months, I'm getting frustrated!!!!

Advice on how to move forward or letting go?? I'm getting nuts and way more obsessive over this than I should...

Kind regards,

Trix

Anonymous's picture

So recently me and my "friend" were talking and well we had kissed before over and over. She told me that she had gotten a boyfriend one day through facebook one day after i kissed her, but i have known her for a while and she likes me and i like her. Dont ask how old we are just go with it. She has a boyfriend but she says that she loves me and not him and that she didnt know what to do. I told her it was up to her that it was her life, her choice.

I read what you pointed out in not trying to compete to be her boyfriend but the thing is kind of looked like it at first so I made up this character that supposedly was my 18 year old friend who went through what she was going through and that she was in love with someone but they didnt go out and she got a boyfriend. Then as time passed the guy lost interest in her and she wanted him back saying that she felt like she made the wrong decision[all being said by the made up character].

She says she wasn't able to think straight and that though she had thoughts of leaving him she didnt want to do it for some odd reason which she hasnt revealed to me and supposedly doesnt know what they are. I talk to her a lot practicly every single day but even though i do really like her and she says she really really likes me i kind of am losing interest in her but i dont want to. I want to be with her but she is making it hard.

Any suggestions?

dave's picture

came across you site while trying to find some info on dating, etc. trying to update my skills just like would for a job. Your site was a pimp slap of HARD TRUTH. I did that whole texting crap a few years back after some tragic losses, I was weak, and in moments of weakness we stupid stuff. everything you described was exactly the way it all played out for me. when I realized how deep i was in. but, we learn from our experiences. Thanks for all the valuable information. good stuff.
What I have been looking for is info on any experiences as to why a girl would tell you "i have a boyfriend" when you first meet and are chatting casually or if you progress to chatting online (which I am new at) they will say "my boyfriend is sleeping right now". they say this but you never showed any interest in them. I assumed they are trying to test the water.
if anyone has any feedback on it that would be cool.

Again, great site, lots of valuable information. keep it going man.

Anonymous's picture

Hi chase, i found your article extrememly insightful and helpful, but i ran into one problem recently: What if a girl actually flat out tells you she LOVES her boyfriend, but then procceeds to not talk "highly" of him, and complain about him, and how he doesnt treat her right and so on...is she really in love or maybe she just thinks she is? i hit a roadblock at this point trying to figure out what category this particular girl is in.

"Harvey"'s picture

Hey Chase,

love this post and others on the site, has given me great and plentiful insight to the world of women, but i seem to have myself in quite the situation with a girl in particular.

If you would gladly bear with me, i'll try and do my best with quick, detailed rundown. So basically, i've known and been talking to this girl who i will refer to as Ashley from here on, for about a year and 3 months now. For as long as i've known Ashley, shes lived with her boyfriend of 3 and now 4 years. Shes a great girl, beautiful face, bitchin body, im still not sure how i even managed to get her to like me but i did, and over the course of my year talking to her i've come to love her and i have the same in return from her. I want nothing more than to make her my own girlfriend, but after a year of work she's still with said boyfriend and the most "official" progress i've made is her changing her facebook relationship status from "in a relationship" to "its complicated".

It should be important to note that we are romantic with each other, after 3 months of talking we shared our first kiss (3 days after her 3 year anniversary with her bf, which i find interesting), which with time lead into making out, and from there it just snowballed, steadily making our way around the basses over the next few months. So yes we do sleep with each other, have been for awhile now, and we can definitely say we're lovers. But there's a little more than that, she's claimed that im her single true best friend, and we've discussed marriage and children and the works, which she claims has NEVER talked about with anyone else, that she cant see herself with anyone but me in the future, etc. Despite all of this however, shes still with her boyfriend. He even knows a bit about that too is the thing. (he doesn't know im having sex with her, only her and i know that much). Just recently on the day of their 4th anniversary (which i still find interesting) he brought up that he saw us texting each other i love and you and goodnight, to which she replied that we say that because its true, we do love each other and that im her best friend because i was there for her when no one else was and that im not going anywhere...to which he apologized for accusing her of things. ...yea, he said sorry -_-

To me her only real drawback is that, that she lives with him of course, and over time it's hurt more and more knowing she goes home to him every night and not me, and it leaves me paranoid and thinking that they're still having sex when she insists she hasn't done anything with him for "the greater part of the year now", and i cant quite 100% believe that's true. I know in a certain light you could say i cant be mad at her for sleeping with her boyfriend, but after all the marriage children to our end of days talk, it would just be the biggest slap in the face and her going back on all of that, as far as im concerned.

I know me believing her or not on things is on me and that it's not good, im not saying shes all to blame for our issues, but it's to the point now where i ever wonder if we're going to end up together. After reading this i've realized i've made a couple of mistakes unfortunately, she definitely knows that i want to date her. She claims that im being too pushy about it, and that she obviously needs a place to live, and that if i don't want her living with him then i'll provide a place for her to live. She's said that shes talked with her parents about the 2 of them moving back in (to which she added that they would then break up, him move out to his own place and they're done) and that they're cool with it, but that was almost 2 months ago and nothings changed, its just been talk so far.

So one would think, "ok, just move out then". I very much want to, 21 and at home with mommy doesn't exactly bring the ladies screaming, but it hasn't been that easy for me. Being a temp across numerous jobs, not holding any of them down, you get the idea. But with how blunt shes been about it, i feel she just wants to shackle up and do anything to not live her parents again, hence why i think she's yet to follow through with moving back in with them despite saying that's her game plan. I feel it's almost too easy to just get my own place.

My question is after all this, is she still worth pursuing? We have our up's and downs like anyone else, we both have red flags out there, but im not sure anymore if things will end in my favor should i continue pursuing her. Should it really be as simple as moving out? How do i know she's not fucking him despite pleading to me that shes not? Am i wasting my time with her? Or on the flipside, should i hang in there and see where it goes? What can i improve upon? Am I on the verge of a big breakthrough? Please tell me what you think

Anonymous's picture

"My question is after all this, is she still worth pursuing?"

I'll be very blunt here. No. No she is not.

Why? The reality is, you can't force a woman into a relationship (or anyone) and expect it to go well. You can't "pursue" a woman, you can really only seduce them. Once you start pursuing you've already lost. It's why this site is called girlschase.com and not chasegirls.com

You need to realize that all these problems you think you have with this woman are ONLY because you're in a lack of abundance. Do you think you'd be wasting your time with her if you had multiple beautiful women (who also are completely your type) chasing after you?

And it's not like I haven't been here before. I have, multiple times. It doesn't work. It violates so many social aspects of dating, and no matter how stubborn and "persistent" you are with acquiring her love.. It's never worth it.

Even if you do pull her away from her boyfriend, you still pursued her. She's the one-up. She's in control. She has options.

Down the line she's going to lose interest in you, just like she has with her boyfriend. You're not a challenge, and you're going to be stuck in that position. And when she does lose interest in you (and this WILL happen), I'll be honest. You'll be royally screwed. You would have wasted all your time on this girl, and for what? You haven't focused your effort on something that will withstand time (such as seduction).

I know I'm being a bit harsh but you really need to hear this. Your approach to women and dating is going to cost you in the long run, and it's simply a problem of not meeting enough new women.

Harvey, I don't want you ending up like that.

Cut ties with this girl, and stick around on the site. Go through the articles on the sidebar. You'll find your path.

http://www.girlschase.com/content/absolute-abundance
http://www.girlschase.com/content/cant-stop-thinking-about-her-heres-why...

- Eric

Anonymous's picture

Hey,
My problem seems pretty complicated to me at least and I need advice from you. First off I would like to start with I'm a lot younger than everyone else I a college freshman and so is the girl I am trying to get. Ill start from the beginning. Early this semester I met this girl on my friends floor after helping him move in. The moment I saw her I thought she is the one either I'm gonna get a one night stand or boyfriend that. After hanging out with her Andy friend with their little group of floor friends I start to get to know her a little but I lean quickly she has a boyfriend. Usually I'm not the one to chase taken girls so I kill all plans and just hang out with the group to see my best friend. As I hang out with them more I learn she doesn't like her boyfriend much. As the semester goes on I join a fraternity and invite my friend to a party and he brings them. I am working the door and when she arrives she tells me she needs to say something to me. A few minutes later I head inside and being drunk she tells me I know I have a boyfriend but if you kissed me it wouldn't matter that much so I kissed her and we ended up having sex that night. The next day contacted her cuz we didn't use protection but turns out we were fine. In bed being drunk I promised I would take her out so took her to a Waffle House and had lunch with her numerous times and I asked her about her boyfriend and she said it was a highschool thing there gonna end soon but since it's been on so long she doesn't wanna be the one to end it. After two weeks my friends came over to visit from highschool so I get s shit ton of alcohol and invite he and her friends over and she barely drinks two beers. Being with my friends I clearly get drunk again.
The night ends up I kick my friends out of my room and we have sex again. Hang out with her that week again watch a movie with her before leaving for thanksgiving break in my room slight sexual tension but I think she likes to use alcohol as an excuse since I never took her for a girl that sleeps around let alone cheats. Didn't text her after thanksgiving break or afterwords at all because I don't wanna be led on so I drop
It but we keep end up hanging out at least once a week because of my best friend on her floor. This past weekend go out to my frat with my friend and on the way back he ask me f she and her friends could come back to my room for an after party. Seeing the opurtunity for my bros to meet some girls I get a bottle of alc and bring them all back and we hang out. Being the good host as each girl leave I make sure if they need me to walk them back. When it comes time for her I go outside and ask her and she declines but asks me to
Hug her bye. Do so w/e just a hug. Then my friend asks me to dinner and I go with him and it's his whole floor group. I shrug it off cuz she is there and don't care. Another girl
There starts talking about how much she loves her boyfriend. The girl I banged them goes on to say she hates her boyfriend he never texts her then immediately he texts her and she says ugh I hate him I'm not going to reply for an hour. So there is my story and I don't know what to do because I like her. I know what you are going to say its cuz i am young and just had sec with her but it is not. I have had sex with other girls but everytime
I wake up I always think how do
I get her out of here but with her it was different. I woke
Up and liked what I saw and was happy. I like all her quirks and little things she does bu clearly I'm not gonna tell her that its against your rules. So here I am young heart burdened not knowing what to do. I would love to eventually date her because I want a girlfriend I have never had one and sleeping around is no longer fun it's to easy when ur in a frat and I want that's emotional connection. So either how do
I stop thinking about her or how do I get her to end this bull shit with get boyfriend and get with me cuz everytime I am with her I feel like I hold my self back cuz she has a
Boyfriend and I can't do certain things to
A tied down girl in public

intrigued's picture

Hello Chase!.

I recently slept with a girl who had a boyfriend. She didnt mentioned him until we were already in bed, as to how bad was what we were doing and about how she didnt wanted to know my name (she does). We had good sex, and i drove her home in the morning like a gentleman... friendly but dominant and calm, but i didnt asked for her number.

Although she gave me a warm hug and said something like "I'll see you around" in a quite flirty way, my initial thought was to leave it and dont look her up as that might stir up regret feelings or destroy her relationship as if our night was just a drunk mistake (yeah i know i tend to take everything to serious and overanalyze things) .Now that i read your post, it makes me wonder if she doesnt actually like her current relationship (a friend of mine who knows her says she doesnt).

Should I have asked for her phone number and if i had so should i have ever called her again? There is something very intringuing about this girl that makes me want to see her, but then again, i talked myself out of taking a step further. I wonder if she just used me or if she would like to see me again. It is highly probable that i will meet her again by chance someday.

Great post by the way.

Anonymous's picture

Hello Chase,

So my problem is kind of complicated. I have been dating my girlfriend for about 2.5 years. Just recently, I met this girl in one of my college classes and I have become really attracted to her. She, however, has a boyfriend that she has been seeing for about 2.5 years as well. I would never cheat on my girlfriend, and this girl would probably never cheat on her boyfriend. The problem is that we have been really hitting it off at school together. We are kind of flirty and we tend to sit next to each other in class. I usually walk her to her car, and the other day we stood outside near her car for about an hour just talking in the freezing cold. The next day i asked her to get coffee with me and she said okay. Then she tells me that she doesn't even like coffee but she'll come with me and get hot chocolate. While getting coffee, she asks me what my girlfriend would think if she knew we were getting coffee together and i told her that my girlfriend would get upset. She said her boyfriend trusts her. This is where i get so confused. Is this girl just seeing me as a friend, or could there be potentially more? I'm afraid that she might just like the attention from guys because she has a lot of guy friends. Please help me. I'm desperate because she's been on my mind so much and I can't concentrate on anything else.

~AC

Johnny's picture

Hey Chase, so quick question. i asked this girl out and she agreed to, but to told me that just so I know, she is kinda seeing someone else. I'm pretty sure she doesnt have a boyfriend or really seeing someone else from what I found out about her. So I just wanna know if she is kinda letting me down softly so she doesnt hurt my feelings, or if she is just putting me through a test to see how serious I am about her. I told her I didnt have a problem with that. What do you think I should do? Persist? Or move on to another girl? Thank you!!!

Anonymous's picture

What if she is happy with the boyfriend and some guy confuses her feelings, and what ever happened to the hands off shes taken rule. Random guys who come around confusing your happy gf letting her think you treat her like shit and she deserves more when your doing everything fine,,, so she'll sleep with him is awful js and i bet you never thought about it like that and i totally agree with annus however you do make some really good points throughout your article on do's and dont's and time waisters. This is plainly my opinion because ive witnessed many friends with gf's whom have got cheated on than after their gf crys to them saying it was a BIG MISTAKE which most of us has heard.

Paint's picture

I quite enjoyed reading this article and I'd like help with something. I met a girl 2 months ago and I immediately fell for her. She immediately told me that she was in a relationship but has put a "break" on it because she didn't have the same feelings for him anymore and they agreed to date other people to see how it went but remained as boyfriend and girlfriend. It is complicated because we are talking about a 11 year's relationship and 1 year ago, they were already planning wedding.. Anyway, this is where I came up, things went to fast and we were already sleeping together after our 3rd date.

The worst thing now is that I got really attached to her and I know she really likes me as well. She says she wants to spend even more time with me, go travelling with me, discover new things etc etc.. but I'm a jealous guy. I try not to complain or even show it but I am really jealous and I'm actually suffering a bit by knowing that I can't really ask her for a more committed relationship when she's in that situation.

My only hope is that with time, she'll realize that I'm better (she has even taken me to meet her family and her dad loves me because I'm focused on my career etc, he says I'm a good catch and she really takes in consideration her dad's opinion, they both live together and it's the most important person to her) and then get serious with me. I think she is serious now but the fact that the other person still exists in her life makes me wonder if I have any chance of having a happy ending in this story. This is still recent though so I'll try not to rush into things..

Jake's picture

Hi,

I think post is great, many details and situations. I also read the stories in the comments and I thought that i'll share the story I'm in now.

There is a girl I know for more then 12 years (she was my primary school love, then secondary). When we were in highschool we didn't have any contact, she had a boyfriend, I had a girlfriends. When I started my studies I met a girl and we were together for like 2,5 years. Then my "primary shool love" wrote to to me on fb and we set a meeting. My girlfriend was a little jealous but I just wanted to meet her just to chat a little bit (It wasn't good time in my relationship). On this meeting she told me that she always had a feeling for me and wanted to meet again and again. (I felt that I like her more then jusst a friend - c'mon she was my primary school love ;p But I knew that I have a girlfriend and I won't cheat on her) This was the moment when i was a month before erasmus semester.

So I left to Netherland (greetings from PL:P) and still was with my girlfriend. During erasmus "this" girl wrote me on facebook sometimes. After I came back and half a year more It came out that my girlfriend was "not entirely honest with me". So we broke up and I thought about the "primary school love". Now she has a boyfriend and I feel it's a situation the same as earlier but reversed. Now she was taken. We've met couple of times just chatting but unfortunately sometimes she's telling something about her boyfriend (positively). Now I a lil bit torn because now I'm acting like a friend meeting with her and having good time together but inside I feel I want to tell her that she's very interesting person and always had the feeling that she has always been more then a friend for me.

Cheers,
Jake

Anonymous's picture

Hey Chase,

I met this girl in a college class, and she happens to have a boyfriend. I read a couple of your post. I try to stand out, in which she thinks I'm interesting. She hasn't mention him. I had arranged a meet like one of the previous post When I had asked how does your weekend look? Once in person and once in text. she says she works all weekend. Twice. I would normally move on but since she walks me to my classes,sits next to me in class, offers to take me to my car, and started sending me random texts of online cartoons. I had only texted her to arrange a meet and she does most of the talking.

Persist? Or move on to another girl?

Thanks.

Stan Zelinski's picture

You've written this very logically and put things in very understandable terms - a nice change for a topic that is fueled by primal instincts. Morally, I think you've made a mistake.

You have three categories:

Time wasters
Not worth it
Green Light

The fact you have #7 in a category labeled "not worth it" is wrong. For an article like this, #7 needs to be #1 and in its own category labeled "READ THIS FIRST". And every other number that follows should start "If not #1, then....

If 10 people use this as a guide to successfully attract a female that is in a relationship and 1 overlooks #7, the consequences in that one case could be profoundly devastating and not worth the 9 other (only potentially positive) outcomes.

Having a READ THIS FIRST category would not stop #7 from happening in general, but without this category, this article is dressing a wolf as a sheep. It could be causing great suffering.

Nice read though.

Anonymous's picture

Hi, I'm from South Africa, I met a girl the other night at a club. She was working as a bar lady there and I got to flirting with her and we really hit it off in a big way. I couldn't really escalate things physically because she was working - but the chemistry was undeniable. When I asked her for her number she told me she had a boyfriend but I could tell I had her interest so I basically shrugged it off and continued to chat and reintroduce a bit of flirting with her. Finally I got her to give me her number, but at that point I realised my phone battery was dead, so she took mine instead. I wrote the whole thing off and figured I'd never hear from her again. To my pleasant surprise she sent me a text two days later. She apologised for taking so long to get back to me, and said it was because her phone was giving her problems. Now this girl is easily an 8-9/10 for any guy, and a 10/10 for me personally, so I must have made a good impression for her to go to the effort of contacting me when she's probably go guys lined up for miles. I chatted with her briefly about the night before and took the opportunity to compliment her beauty and make a flirtatious remark. She seemed to be responding well so I asked her if she would be keen to meet for a cup of coffee or something to get to know each other better. She said thanks, but she's got a boyfriend. I respect that and I like a girl who's faithful to her man, so I told her as much. I asked her how long they had been dating for to try get an idea of how serious her relationship is, she said they have been dating for just over a year. I told her they're both very lucky to have each other, and she agreed. So here's an obvious mistake I made immediately after that; I asked her "Lets say you were single though, then you totally would, right? ;D". The reason I think it was a dumb move is because she already had, in a number of ways, told me that she was interested - but she couldn't because of her boyfriend. The reason I did it was because I was hoping it would give me the opportunity to either A) tease her a little and call bullshit if she said "no" or B) try and establish some good feelings between us and see if I could possibly persist a little more if she said "yes".

She hasn't replied since yesterday and because its on whatsapp I can tell she's been online and has probably read the message. So what do you think I should do next. I find it hard to believe she made contact with me if she was interested in me. She's smoking hot, obviously very popular, and I know I wasn't misreading her on our previous encounter because I didnt beat around the bush and made my intentions for getting her number very clear. So now I'm a little confused and not sure what to do next?

I'm not interested in discussing the moral issue here, I've had girls stolen from me and vice versa. It's a part of life and more often than not wounds healed, lessons were learned, and things turned out for the best. She's extremely attractive and we hit it off with each other for all the right reasons (by that I mean it wasnt just a shallow connection) and I'm not going to let an opportunity like that pass me by.

Transporter 's picture

So I recently met a girl very down to earth kind of girl, I had gotten her number one night we were getting together with some friends she needed directions, well after that night the next day we started to txt. At first it was all friendly texting and my mistake was to start flirting with her knowing she had a boyfriend the thing is she would flirt with me back and not once did she ever bring up her boyfriend which I thought was odd. Most girls say "hey I have a boyfriend and its not right", well it's been weeks her boyfriend is in California and she's studying here in tx and she's been here for 2 years now and she has one more year to finish. As I was reading your article I did couple things you said not to and that was to txt for hours and go out. But everytime were together shed very touchy, flirting. Finally one day I told her that it was wrong of me to be texting her and flirting with her and that I had let feeling get in the way, she also apologized so I told her the best thing for me to do is not txt her anymore or call. Well not even one day passed and she was texting me already I just have her short answers and she tells me I fee like you don't want to talk to me and I'm pretty blunt so I said I don't want to talk to you for reasons. And tells me well txt me when you can I'm not going to be pushy. Since then we still txt and flirt she's told me that she does not know what she's going to do that everything happens for a reason. The thing is I don't know if she really loves this cat or not and I'm just wasting time and like you said don't eff with a girl who loves her man and I don't want to be the one to cause drama. But yeah that's my situation.

Anonymous's picture

I've known her for 3 yrs. we're very good friends. we talk about a lot of stuff, and have a lot in common.but i never really liked her more than a friend.

a few months ago, i started to like her more than just a friend. i was thinking that maybe she's the one for me. she's very nice, and we share a lot in common, so i wanted to ask her out.

but i was too scared to make my move. I wanted to OFFICIALLY ask her out, but all i could say was "do you want to hang out?" i really wanted to ask her out on a real date, but i was too scared to do so because i was afraid she might end the friendship.

recently, she got a boyfriend. idk how long theyve been dating, but it hasnt been too long. I dont know what to do. I dont want to do anything stupid to ruin her relationship because she will look down on me. I want her to be happy. But I really want to tell her my true feelings.

I know that my words alone won't change how she feels towards me, but I don't want to keep it a secret forever. I never felt this way about anyone before. I dont think I've met anyone like her, and I dont think i ever will meet someone like her. I have no idea what to do. Someone please help. This issue is eating me up inside.

should i give up on her, or should i wait it out until her relationship ends.

please help

Anonymous's picture

Chase,

So reading your thread felt like I was speaking my own words to someone else and since you have those knowledge here is a question for you.
I have been with numerous girls who were with boyfriends, but I always had a rule,” Only get with the girls whose boyfriends were assholes, abusive, etc..” you know a way to get what I want and to play the role of karma. But now this is different.

So I met this girl 6 months ago, we played part of the same sport team so we saw each other daily. We never really much at first but we saw chemistry. About 2 weeks later we hung out on a away competition, needless t say we connected, was like I never seen before( this confused me) so took me about two more weeks for me to have the courage to kiss her after talking to her everyday. After the kiss it didn’t take long for us to practically have a relationship.

Now here is the issue, she has a boyfriend whom she’s not unhappy with, they do similar things and they seem fine. She says there is no spark or romance, its like they are just friends but se is yet to end it with him. We tried to end it but she always calls me back saying she cant do it, that she cares for me too much and that she is going to figure something out soon.

I just never actually cared for anyone like her but I don’t like the situation, should I wait for her to figure something out in the next month, should I suck it up and end it, or should I keep things as is but enjoy my single life on the side…(I’ve been committed to her)
Finding these types of girls for a fun night is easy and worthwhile but this? Im lost

John-

Anonymous's picture

It's no wonder men always think that women cheat.

BeachBeaver's picture

Hey Dan,

Good stuff you have written. Great insight for people who wants to go after girls with boyfriends.

However, just as easily u can whisk this girl away, so can the others whisk her away for you.

The key ultimately, is for those that want to keep the girl they whisked away and be that Mr Wonderful forever. Cause lets face it, this is pretty much what this article is about. Its easy to take, its harder to keep.

But what goes around, comes around.

dave's picture

I want to thank you. Your article made me realise how horrible I am being In chasing a girl I liked who was with another guy...your frankness is fucking terrible, and made me realise what a shit i am.

Caleb's picture

k so im not the age where id be 'sleeping' with ppl.. but i have also tried the 'wait it out' method and it worked...

but recently this girl sorta flirted with me and I like her... She doesnt know I do, but i know she has a boyfriend. She has not gone anywhere further than things like 'youre so unique and funny [giggle] or 'your eyes are beautiful'

even though my eyes ARE really shiney, they're grey... is this a flirt or genuine compliment?
do I just wait or becomesomewhat close to her?

next steps???

Omar's picture

Im over my ex/relationship. But after reading this article it was made CLEAR to me that the guy who she cheated on me with was just a ' tool ' and he kept or seems to keep pursuing her but shes not interested in him but merely as a friend. All i can do is laugh it off and see him waste his time. And for me ? I will not take her back why ? Because she didnt respect me nor the relationship and was a PSYCHO BITCH, when i asked her about the the guy she said " Im gonna tell people you raped me if you talk about him again " so GOODBYE i dont need a girl like that in my life.

Anonymous's picture

basically i pulled #9 off like a fucking genius. Problem is she stayed till 5am and her man figured it all out. Told her she is never to contact me again. She still does but only a little bit. What do i do man? this dude treats her like shit but its a 3 yr relationship and she doesnt wanna end it abruptly. She see's how fucked it up is but isnt ready to let go %100 yet. Do i walk away? Wait to hear from her? or go balls to the wall and lay it all out on the table? or what do u think?

were's picture

recently met this girl in a bus,we talked all through the journey i even got her phone no. We have been keeping touch we talk on phone we even flirt even though she told me she has a boyfriend.one day she calls and ask that she needs my company i take her somewhere we board a bus and go, there we have lunch together then we go shopping i buy her wine and ice cream.While in th bus coming back we start to catch each other, we play thumb fight and even kiss, upon reaching destination her boyfriend comes for her and they go.She doesnt call for 3 days when i decide to call her and she seems angry saying all the things we did was a mistake and that i should stay away from her relationship she even says that i have shaken het relationship....what should i do coz i have feelings for her?

Alvin's picture

So, I hope you like a challenge Chase.

I started dating a girl a couple of month ago, things went really well for both of us. We slept together on the second date, she was defiantly into me and I was calling the shots.

Usually for me this would have resulted in a great relationship and not this e-mail. However it started to fall apart when I got extremely busy at work and failed to make the time for her or let her know what was going on. After completely loosing track of time I text her again to set up a date, she replied telling me she now had a boyfriend, which was when I realised it had been almost three weeks since I last saw her.

Possibly ignorantly a week later told her I had made a mistake in letting her go... she said that it was because I seemed uninterested (probably true) despite the fact she liked me but now she had a boy friend and it was 'too late'.

After I told her she seemed happy to hear it (possibly for the ego boost) and I feel there is something still to salvage, due to how she felt before I screwed up, but I have to do it right if at all.

I haven't spoken to her since and am planning to leave her for a few weeks.

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

Alvin

Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase

I haven't been a player myself, but I have had a fair bit of experience with all kinds of girls. However your blog is refreshingly different. I am glad to have stumbled upon it. And looking forward to read all the articles.
Well explained, detailed and extremely insightful.

Regards

Mr. Fucker's picture

I've been talking with a girl who has a boyfriend, and as you said, I've been trying to be the most cool guy without showing any kind of emotion...and everything was going well, until we were alone at my apartament, both of us were almost without clothes, but when I wanted to do the last move to begin the love game...She just told me:

Her: I'm sorry but I can't go so far

Me: but, why?...We already began it

Her: It's just because I have a boyfriend and I don't feel good doing it

Me: Oh! come on baby don't do me this

Her: I'm sorry, I got to go...

so...chase dude!...I need your help, I read all your post and I'm almost sure she is interested on me...Sadly, I think I made a mistake, I sent her a poem by SMS...and I think that her boyfriend saw it, because she called me one day later and asked me if her boyfriend called me..I said no, so she warned me, telling me that he could call me.

so, I'm not sure what to do Chase, Should I continue and see if I can get this girl the next time or Should I stop it right now?

Thanks in advice, You're a genius Chase!

Manuel's picture

You sir, deserve some kind of funding to start your own research. last girl i was with had a boyfriend, still does. I figured most of these steps out on my own except the dont try to be her boyfriend. After I slept with her, took some effort and convincing but I made it happen, I tried to made her my gf cuz I actually like her but she was going through that guilty stage of " i just cheated on my man" . She still texts me about once a week and last week i asked her to meet downtown for a beer but she said her boyfriend told her she wasnt allowed to see me, silly behaviour on her part for listening to those orders but i get where he is coming from, my point is: is there anything that i could do to make her do it for a second time and this time with a bit more of strings attached?

Russell's picture

I went through your article and it was really interesting to me, even though my ex-girlfriend cheated on me lol.

anyways, i met a shy girl 2 weeks ago and i was aware of that she has a boyfriend. I made terrible mistake by chasing after her in the beginning. she was really interested in me, would text till she falls as asleep, tell me to go see her at her work during her break. But then I moved a bit too fast, I convinced her few times to go pick her up and drop her off school and also flirted and complimented her a lot!

Now I started texting her less, i also end the conversation after 9-10 texts, and seems like she doesnt mind at all. I really want her to fall for me, i dont care if she will be my gf or not. I just want her to start chasing me a bit. Can you suggest me what to do please?

you have more experience than me lool

Anonymous's picture

I Love a girl from last 2 years. We are very close to each other. She shares her every problem with me even her personal problems. Few months ago she became committed to a Facebook friend. She has not met her boyfriend since 5-6 months. Most of the their last seen on Whatsapp is almost same. When I ask her about her relationship. She gives me such answers as if she is not happy with her relationship. Last October I came to UK for my higher education. Whenever, I go home she spends more time with me. Even when I am in UK. She gives time to my family. She helps my mom and dad if they need some help.I am very much confused. Whom does she likes more Me or her Boyfriend? Please help. How should I come to know what is going in her mind?

Matt 's picture

Chase, cool article. What you said makes sense and reminds me of a lot of situations i've been in in the past. Currently I work with a beautiful girl named Sara who has been dating a guy for 6 months. He is unattractive I assume she's into him for his personality but she is constantly telling me at work how bored she is and how much she misses the freedom of being single. Here is my dilemma, we often make plans over the weekend to go out to bars and things like that. She always invites her boyfriend (who hates me btw b/c he can sense that I'm trying to steal her away). Its not my fault shes flirting with me all the time but I really feel like I can get her. I know i'm not in the friend zone and I don't txt her non stop but when we do its casual and sometimes sexual. I think her boyfriend comes out with us because he wants to keep an eye on her so to counter I invite my friends from work so we go out in a group. She has an apartment in NYC and whenever we go out there I end up sleeping on her couch in the city while hes in her room. I had one night where he wasn't there but her sister was and she felt awkward inviting me into her room with her there. What should I do? I know that if I could get her away from him for one night, no distractions It would be mine.

Joe's picture

Thank you.

God I am so glad I found this article. There's this girl that got my interest for the whole of 1 week, I am thinking of going serious with her despite she having a boyfriend. Because she keep giving me false hope from time to time, like saying she like me, and baiting me into saying I like you. ( She said she will not choose me if i said I don't like her)
Damn I have also just found this community after 5 solid years of gaming online, and being a fatso and AFC. Chase you save my life. Respect!

I am just wondering how long you have been in this, and how many girls have you been with and got rejected to get this much of experience?
I can't even imagine.

Once again, thank you. With all my heart.

Anonymous's picture

When she says she humor is a must, sexy, etc..., ask her if she would date Bozo, even if he didn't honk his nose during sex.

That way you get in the humor without getting off topic.

Kalin's picture

How to steal a girl in the presence of her boyfriend ?

Hay Chase, can you wrote an article about this scenario? Its will be useful.

For example they are couple or lovers, the situation is - you are there whit them in the club, or in a house party, he is not your friend, but someone familiar, or doesn’t matter, you talk whit her, talk whit him etc.

You like her and you notice that she likes you too, and you start hiting on her and tease her, but her boyfriend is looking what happens ...

He will try to protect her, pulls her to dance and began to pay more attention on her, kiss her, while at the same time she looks like wants to run away from him and come to you…

What's the game, to progress things in his presence…
There is a point where if HE start to show jealousy and show some weaknesses ... and it is inspired by YOU… this will gain HER attraction towards you, and automaticly lower HER attraction toward HIM

I think that whithout making some little humiliation on him its will be imposible to make a progress

And what is the antidote if you're with your girl and someone starts this against you?

ramesh's picture

Look its been few months I've been seeing a girl.she has boyfriend and they have distance relationship.but the girl is most of the time with me.I have proposed her but she say I'm in relationship.she have let mekiss we most often go outside.and she says I'm breaking my boyfriend trust.and now her boyfriend is coming in holiday .they will meet.and what should I do to keep her with me?to be in relationship with me?

Please help me out

Peter Wenig's picture

No need to defend yourself you are doing the right thing, your article is great, Chase Amante. If I was you I would disable comments regarding this topic. Normally who you attract here are men who know they are no good match for their girlfriends and who know that it's only a matter of time till their girlfriends leave them for real men. I speak from experience when I write this, I even went as far as to creating a blog just to be able to tell people that interaction is not desired as I already knew that each interaction would be started by an insecure man who wants to waste my time by sharing his insecurities.

That being said I would like to know how to proceed with a couple on the street. Let's say they walk hand in hand. I tried asking for directions with "hey guys, how do I get to XY" while only looking in his eyes. Some would stare back at me while others would look away for their girlfriend to reply. So how does your method apply to this situation?

All the best

Peter

mike m's picture

Chase:
I am 55 years old and still trying to learn how men successful with women are successful. I read 75-80% of your posts and responses to posts before landing here at the bottom of the page to ask you my own question. Your incites are the best I've ever come across. You've taught me that every day is a new day, and that where women are concerned there are no "losers", only men who have suffered greater loses than others. "Wins" with women, unlike sports, aren't measured in numbers, but by the time
you spend competing....staying in the game as it were.

Having said that, here is my question. To introduce it,let me quote you from an earlier post.

"You'll also sometimes get this from girls trying to test you. Usually this is if you came across a bit nervous or stayed a little too long, OR if you don't have a sexual vibe down yet and it isn't really clear to women what you want, so feels awkward."

1) It's easy to infer that most of the posters on this board, perhaps you most of all, have slept with a LOT of women. Likewise, very beautiful women, the ones who always have "boyfriends" are rarely sexually in-active.
By " not having a sexual vibe down yet", do you mean this in an absolute literal sense? Do you believe women can sense which men are and are not "in the game", so to speak, sexually speaking, beyond the confidence and self-esteem, or lack thereof, they exude? Or does your use of the expression "sexual vibe" meant to imply that there is merely a high correlation between men who are confident with women and those who have had many sexual partners or who have very few periods in their life where they've had to rely on good ol' Rosy? Perhaps you mean both?

I'm almost to the point where I feel the need to buy sex, not so-much because I haven't had it in so long that it's driving me crazy, or that it will build my confidence, but merely because I sense the women I'm interested in ( all of whom have boyfriends) sense in me, to borrow an expression, a 40 year-old-virgin syndrome. I don't believe I can lower my standards, taking on a girlfriend I'm not sexually attracted to, merely to get in the game and end my prolonged period on the market ( I live in a relatively small community where everyone seems to know everyone else's business.) But do you advise that's what I'll have to do before I can land the big fish? Or do you believe there is some amorphous "clinical" benefit ( again, not related to building confidence) to getting laid once in a while even when you have to pay for it?

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